Chapter Twenty Two ~ How Long Has This Been Goin’ On?
“ I could cry salty tears –
Where have I been all these years?
Little wow, tell me now –
How long has this been goin’ on? ”
~ Peggy Lee
Buffy’s heart skipped a beat.
And the cataclysmic shocks just keep on coming…
“ Faith as in Crazy Faith? Faith changed him?”
Hold on, that doesn’t mean they’re together…
“ Well… yeah, at least from what I can tell. It’s not like Spike’s Mr. Forthcoming, all makin’ with the info. I just kinda figured it out for myself. At first, we didn’t know what his dealy was. He just started pitching in, helping out. He went on patrol with you guys a bunch. Then just with Faith after you retired. He kept getting better and better. Doing more good. And then I started noticin’ the sparks flyin’- ”
“There were sparks?”
Buffy asked weakly. Willow nodded, smiling.
“ Yeah, big crazy ones. And before ya knew it they made the hook up.”
Unfortunately she could picture just exactly what kind of hook up all too well. That ill feeling started creeping back into her stomach again.
“ Wasn’t Xander mad? He hates Spike.”
She asked anxiously, picturing the worrying damage Xander would no doubt try to inflict.
“ He was kinda. At first. But then he said if anyone could handle Spike it was Faith.”
Willow shook her head, smiling. “ They just sorta made sense together. So now they patrol every night and they’ve been dating for months now. Which has got to be some kinda record for Faith.”
Her nausea grew exponentially.
“ Is… is Spike happy do you think?”
She asked tentatively, afraid of what the answer might be.
“ I dunno – is Spike ever happy? He’s less evil…”
Willow shrugged non-comittally.
“Oh. Well that’s good I guess.”
Willow failed to notice the crestfallen look on her friend’s face.
“ Yeah – I think they help keep each other out of trouble in a way. Gives ‘em a vent for all that excess energy.”
Buffy got an instant and seriously unwanted visual of Faith and Spike doing just that.
Is that what we’re calling it now?
“ You okay, Buff? You look kinda green around the gills there.”
“ Sure. I’m fine. It’s just hard trying to keep up with the changes here.”
She covered, with an artificial smile.
“ Oh. Well sure. Funny, even the little differences huh?” Willow shook her head wonderingly. “ Like I know you’re Buffy. You feel like Buffy to me, you know?”
“ Yeah. I do.”
Buffy smiled back at her, genuinely this time.
“ But you’re not. You don’t belong here – it hurts you to be here. And my Buffy is… I don’t know where. The older I get, the less it seems like I know.”
It was good to be reminded that this was not her world, not her life (not her Spike!). And if she had her way, it never would be…
“ The Universe just keeps on with the wacky, huh?”
“ Yeah.”
They walked along quietly for a while, amazed at the circumstances that would bring their two worlds together. Buffy thought of her mother ill at home. Would she get well too? Did she need her there now? And what about Dawn - vulnerable to attack without her to protect her? And finally her own Spike alone in his crypt back home. Was he lonely? Would he miss her? Would he understand if she didn’t come back? Or would other Buffy be there to comfort him?
And why doesn’t that make me feel better? Like at all…
But other Buffy was engaged so she’d probably seek out Riley first.
Oh shit – Riley!
Somehow she’d managed to forget him - again. What was wrong with her? She had this great boyfriend who loved her and wanted to make her happy, but somehow he kept slipping her mind. It was just the circumstances – all the weird stuff she was dealing with. That had to be it. It made perfect sense really. Except for one little thing – she’d never managed to forget Spike. Not for a second, not for a moment. In fact hadn’t her very waking thought been
Spike.
She’d mistaken Riley for him for just an instant. She’d thought it was his arms she was waking up in. And she’d been pretty damn happy about it. Buffy felt a deep surge of guilt. She was hands down the world’s A #1 worst girlfriend. Not to mention what happened in the cemetery the other night… She blushed at the thought.
And again I ask myself ; “What the hell is wrong with you?”
She’d been neglecting him all day too. Missed their lunch date and never even called.
Bad, bad Buffy …
She scolded herself. She probably should go see him, try to make it up to him. Smooth things over, if only for other Buffy’s sake. She didn’t want to be the one to ruin her engagement. After all she hoped to return to her own world soon.
Please God.
She prayed fervently. Every moment she was here seemed to bring a new and awful revelation. She was almost afraid of what she might see next. Buffy desperately needed some time alone to think things through. Life was confusing even before she made her sudden departure. As if it wasn’t bad enough to be having weird feelings for Spike – not to mention one seriously naughty encounter. It was hard to disentangle that from her already strained relationship with Riley. Add on the problems and implications of traveling to an alternate Universe and you had some severe brain-fry. Buffy really needed a time out.
“ Hey, Wil? I don’t want you to feel like I’m ditching you or anything but I really need some time to clear my head.”
Willow looked at her kindly.
“ Of course, Sweetie. Who can blame ya?”
“ I think I’m gonna take a walk then. Try to locate a little Zen. After that I should probably go see Riley. I ditched him for lunch already today and it’s giving me a bad case of the guilts. Even if he’s not my Riley, I still feel for him, ya know?”
Willow nodded sympathetically.
“ I understand. Are you gonna tell him about all this?”
“ I don’t know, Wil. I can hardly handle it myself. And Riley’s not that good with stuff like this. He likes his Universe nice and orderly. I think it might just hurt him. He’d have all kinds of questions. He might wonder why we aren’t engaged over there – and have doubts and…I think it would just mess things up.”
“ I can see how it could. Totally. Maybe you better not then - at least for now. With any luck we’ll have you back in your own place in just a few days and Riley will never even have to know.”
She smiled winningly at Buffy who crossed her fingers and replied;
“ Here’s hoping.”
“ Call me if you need anything, ‘ kay? I’ll be at Tara’s or in the library makin’ with the research. ”
“ Thanks, Wil.”
She smiled at Willow and hugged her warmly, feeling supremely blessed to have her as a best friend. If anything, this whole experience was showing Buffy how lucky she was. She never realized how much she had to be grateful for. She had a loving mother, a wonderful sister and amazing friends. Everywhere she turned in her life there was love. And yet she’d spent the better part of the last four years bitching and complaining about – well, everything.
Guess I’m a glass half-empty kinda gal.
She thought walking off towards Riley’s. Buffy couldn’t begin to count the number of times she’d wished to not be the Slayer - she’d hoped, she’d cried, she’d prayed. She’d spent so much time hating her life and wanting something different that she’d never bothered to notice what she got in return. If she’d never been the Slayer she never would have met Willow, Xander or Giles. She would never have loved Angel, or had those sweet memories of their relationship. And in spite of the pain she’d experienced, she wouldn’t trade it in. She smiled warmly thinking of him. This last year he’d really become a good friend to her and she was thankful for that.
The love they once shared seemed to transform itself into a solid friendship. She was glad that they could both move on with their lives now. A part of her would probably always love him; he was her first real love, first sex, first heartbreak. How could she ever forget that? But now she was content to let it melt into a warm glow of nostalgia, think of him fondly and wish him well. It would be nice to think he might find someone too and be… well – as happy as he could be.
Just as she intended to be. It was becoming pretty clear that life is brutally short - you have to grab happiness with both hands while you can.(And where have I heard that before?) She was realizing how quickly everything could be taken away from her. Buffy was so tired of being miserable and mopey. The life she’d spent so much time complaining about had been yanked right out from under her and now she felt like she’d do anything to get it back.
She could hardly believe she’d lost Dawn like that. Her mind was nowhere near accepting that she was Faith’s sister now. There was yet another gift being Chosen had brought her. It was hard to adjust at first, Dawn seemed like such a total pain in her ass. Always underfoot and in the way - kinda like a brand new puppy. But now, she was a part of her and Buffy felt her love growing for her sister every day. She had never felt so fiercely protective of another person before.
What was she thinking when she retired? How could she just walk away like that? Buffy knew she didn’t have the whole picture yet – but she definitely got the sense that other Buffy didn’t see the gang that much anymore. Giles had even said how much they all missed her. Thank God she still had Willow, but how could she let everyone else just drift? How could she not see Giles?! He was like a father to her, more so than her own dad had ever been. And Xander was her best male friend, and practically a brother.
She walked along, deep in thought - pondering the mysteries of AU Buffy’s decisions. Here she was smack in the middle of the life of her supposed dreams. Just your everyday college girl with a nice-guy fiancé and no more worries than her GPA and where to have her wedding. Normal as normal could be.
Had she really wanted this?
She’d been retired less than a day and was already hating it. It made her feel all useless and stripped of power. She didn’t know how other Buffy could stand it. And letting Faith take over – of all people. She shook her head in disbelief. What a crazy existence it was that such things could happen. Events could line up just so to make her life turn out completely different. What was that saying? The one her mom always used…Oh yeah;
Careful what you wish for – you just might get it.
And that could not be truer in this case could it? Her whole life had become unrecognizable to her. And this so could’ve been her - really her. She clearly remembered the scenario Willow had described. There had been talk about Faith taking over and her retiring to get an education. It almost happened. Almost. Before Faith decide to take a spin on the dark side that is.
Guess I don’t have to ask “what if” anymore, huh?
And she was freakin’ engaged! To Riley! I mean it was all well and good to date him, he was a wonderful boyfriend (mostly). He was good and sweet and kind to her - and Buffy really appreciated the sense of stability and normalcy he’d brought to her life. But marriage ?! As in forever? Whoa. There was no way she was ready for that. Especially with him. She was starting to realize that they’d been having some serious problems for awhile now. He always seemed worried and fearful and would never tell her what was wrong unless she dragged it out of him. Then there was the whole lack of sex issue lately – and hello, nineteen here! Not quite in need of Viagra yet.
At least I’m not.
She thought irritably. And what was his problem anyway? He hardly seemed to want to anymore. And when they did – well, let’s just say waking the neighbors was never an issue. She was kinda bored actually… But maybe she was being unfair, maybe she wasn’t giving him a real chance. Things were kinda crazy lately. Even before this whole alternative Universe mess. Mom was sick and Glory was after Dawn. Maybe if she paid a little more attention to him and their relationship things would be alright.
Hey, it could happen.
Her shoulders sagged under the weight of it all. There was so much to deal with at the moment and she felt downright exhausted. What she really needed was a decent night’s sleep. Maybe Willow would have some news for her tomorrow. Then she could get out of this crazy place and get down to the business of straightening up the mess her actual life was in.
Let other Buffy deal with her own problems!
All she had to do was try not to mess anything up here until she made it back home.
Buffy thought she’d never be so happy to see her own little Hellmouth and screwed up version of Sunnydale again.
God yes! Just give me back my life again!
Just one little thing left to do. Gotta smooth things out with Riley.
She sighed wearily and squared her shoulders preparing to do her girlfriendly duty.
Chapter Twenty Three ~ Good Morning, Heartache
“ Good Morning, Heartache, you old gloomy sight.
Good Morning, Heartache.
Thought we said goodbye last night.
I turned and tossed until it seemed you had gone –
but here you are with the dawn.
Wish I’d forget you – but you’re here to stay.
It seems I met you when my love went away.
Now every day I start by saying to you :
Good Morning, Heartache – what’s new?”
~ Billie Holiday
Riley looked up at her from his place on the bed. Various books and papers scattered around him as he studied. He smiled at her adoringly.
“ Hey, Beautiful. I missed you at lunch today.”
“ Yeah. Sorry about that - I had some stuff I had to take care of. School stuff.”
She covered ineptly. He didn’t seem to notice.
“ That’s alright, Honey. Glad you got some good things done. Besides, after this summer we’ll have our whole lives to spend together. I think I can spare you for a lunch or two.”
Buffy tried very hard to smile sincerely. Since when had smiling at her boyfriend become an issue? He was so kind and well meaning and…she just didn’t have the heart for it right now. She felt like life had given her the big smack down – like WWF style. She was totally drained emotionally and physically. Even dealing with an alternate Riley seemed like too much to bear at the moment.
She was relieved when he didn’t try to talk to her about anything. Or touch her beyond a soft kiss on the cheek. He seemed happy to just be in her presence. It made her feel wretchedly guilty. When did he get this far away from her? It seemed like not that long ago they were so close. Couldn’t wait to see each other, to be together. But lately they rarely spent time with each other. And when was the last time they had sex? Two weeks ago? Three?
She felt like it was all her fault. She’d been neglecting him lately, she knew it. Just pile on another whopping dose of guilt, thank you very much. And then there was the added pressure to not screw up other Buffy’s life. If AU Buffy was ready to get married who was she to ruin it for her? So when Riley offered to take her to dinner, she just couldn’t bring herself to say no.
She owed them both it seemed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An hour later they sat across from each other at a small table at Pannevino, the nicest Italian restaurant in Sunnydale. It was situated on a hillside overlooking the city, giving a lovely view of the twinkling lights below. Buffy wished she could appreciate it more, but the sumptuous surroundings just seemed ostentatious instead of elegant. That reaction was reinforced when she looked at the prices on the menu. You could easily spend $100 here on wine and appetizers alone.
“Um, Riley? Are you sure we can afford this?”
She asked cautiously.
“ Of course. Nothing’s too good for my girl.” He dismissed jovially. “ Besides I got a huge severance package from the Initiative.”
“ What do you mean?”
“ Well after Faith stopped Adam, they shifted the operation over to simply seek and destroy. Didn’t I tell you about this already?”
“Remind me.”
Riley shrugged.
“ They wanted to make me head of the entire unit. But with you retiring, I just couldn’t see continuing with that lifestyle.” He seemed to shudder visibly. “ And have I told you lately how glad I am that you’re done with all that?”
He took her hand and kissed it gently.
“ You deserve so much more than that, Buffy. You deserve an amazing life – and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you.”
Buffy plastered on a smile for his benefit, feeling the walls closing in around her. She tried to catch her breath while Riley ordered their dinner. Fifty dollars worth of pasta – soup and salad not included. She was deeply unimpressed. Buffy would’ve much rather gone to a little local place with great atmosphere and wonderful food – at half the price. Some over-priced chain with locations in Las Vegas, San Diego and LA had nothing on Paesano’s around the corner as far as she was concerned. But try telling Riley that. Try telling Riley anything for that matter. He did nothing but talk all night.
He told her all about their future – how they were moving to Iowa and in with his parents to save money after graduation. Then Riley would join his grandfather in the family business in Iowa City. They’d be happy and buy a house. Buffy would never have to work of course. She’d stay home and raise the kids and “make a nice home” for them. He ran on and on about every detail of their lives practically up to retirement. Buffy wondered if her alternate self was really and truly happy with this. ‘Cause she had only been doing it for all of one night and already she wanted to brain him with the empty wine bottle. Nothing permanent – just get him to shut up for five minutes.
Would dinner never end?!
Finally the check came. She gladly skipped the tempting looking cheesecake in favor of a quick exit. She made an excuse about homework to avoid spending the night and left him in his car with a quick peck on the lips. She’d never been so relieved to see the backend of a date in her life. The whole night felt like long, slow suffocation - and Riley was the pillow over her face. Damn could the man talk! And talk and talk and talk. She’d hardly gotten a dozen words in the entire evening. Though in a way, that was a relief. At least she hadn’t been forced to lie about anything. She’d just smiled and nodded her way through dinner. She was really beginning to feel sorry for other Buffy. Did the girl have any idea the life of stultifying boredom she was in for?
And what about her? Was this who her Riley really was? Had she been blind all this time? Never noticing how controlling he was? How wrapped up in himself and his own ideas about everything? Is this the life she was in for if she stayed on this path? The thought made her shudder. But how could she tell? AU Buffy made decisions she thought she wouldn’t make…
Buffy shook her head as she unlocked her door. Thank God this wasn’t her real life, she wasn’t the one stuck here. …Or was she? It had been a whole day already and she showed no signs of exiting this crazy place so far. Giles and Willow had vague ideas but no solutions. She couldn’t help wondering if this was going to be a permanent placement. Buffy sighed heavily and flopped down on her bed. Kicking off her strappy high heels she lay back pondering.
She was absolutely exhausted, quickly becoming too tired to think anymore. Didn’t look like she’d need any Tylenol PM tonight.
Thank God - look what happened last time!
Although, it would be nice if she woke up back in her own world tomorrow… But that would be just too easy wouldn’t it? And these things never had easy solutions. Sometimes it seemed like she spent the entire school year fighting evil beasties and thwarting apocali. The only time things ever seemed to slow down was during the summer.
Ugh! Enough thinking. Sleep now.
She was almost past the point of coherent thought. Buffy had just enough energy left to locate her yummy sushi pajamas and brush her teeth before bed. She did a quick run through of her evening beauty rituals and crawled into the comfort of her bed with profound gratitude.
All she wanted now was eight full hours of lovely, dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eros and Aphrodite stood solemnly at the foot of Buffy’s bed. What a day it had been – the things he’d seen! They had followed the Slayer from morning till night. He was amazed at his mother’s abilities – he’d learned much today at her side.
“ What next, Mother?”
The goddess looked thoughtfully at the sleeping girl in front of her.
“ She’s vulnerable right now, open to suggestion. This is a fine time for dream work, I’d say.”
“ Another dream? But I sent her one already – a glimpse.” He hung his head sadly. “ It failed.”
“ Not a glimpse of what could be – but a look into her future is what’s warranted. Let her see where this path will take her. ” Aphrodite frowned, thunder gathering on her clear brow. “ Let her see where her damnable stubbornness leads.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy moaned low in her throat and rolled over in her sleep. A series of images ran through her brain; there was Tara with half her mind gone, Glory torturing Spike, Giles oozing blood from an awful wound, Dawn kidnapped…and all their running in vain.
“ No!…”
She called out futilely – but the images didn’t stop.
A tower teetered in the distance, a rickety skeleton of found materials that reached bleakly into the sky. Her sense of dread and fear was overpowering – but she could do nothing. It played out like a horror movie in front of her, one she couldn’t walk out on.
The battle waged, she fought and bled – struggling with Glory up and down the unsteady structure only to end it on the ground. She beat the god down into submission, punishing her with a deadly war hammer. Triumph! She was defeated at long last! It would all be alright…it was alright. Tears of relief slipped down her sleeping cheeks. Glory was beaten, the war was over – it was over and Dawn was…
No!
A man was with her, a sinister figure in black with a knife in his hand.
Spike! Thank God, Spike…
It would be okay, Spike was with her and he promised - he promised ‘til the end of the world’…
But it wasn’t okay. Spike was losing this fight. She watched him plummet through the black night, duster flapping in the wind as he fell to the deadly cement beneath them.
She cried her terror into her pillow. Was he dead? Shattered and ruined on the ground below? Was this the final thing that ended him? It couldn’t be, she couldn’t lose him, not now… But he wasn’t moving, and she couldn’t see – couldn’t will her dream self closer to look in on him. She was stuck on the tower with Dawn and the man in black.
Muffled sobs filled the night in her otherwise silent dorm room.
The shining blade was raised and poised with care at her sister’s abdomen. With artistry he began to carve into the girl in front of him.
“ Shallow cuts…” he said quietly. “ Shallow cuts… let the blood flow free.”
And then she was there, her physical self. Dawn cried out to her;
“ Buffy!”
It could still turn out right – all might yet be well. The man in black followed Spike to the ground, screaming. Buffy took the briefest second to enjoy the deep sense of satisfaction his death brought her. It was alright, Dawn was safe – they made it. She helped the bleeding girl away from the precarious edge she’d been bound to. It was all going to be fine… She had Dawn and Spike just had to be okay. She couldn’t lose him now. She wouldn’t.
She sighed and turned over, tugging her blanket with her.
The night crackled with blue-white energy and blinding light behind them. The world screamed as the walls between dimensions came crashing down. Lightning cut the night as the earth trembled and split. A deadly, medieval looking dragon winged through the air from a fissure in the shattered sky above them.
It was too late. The ritual had begun.
She watched helplessly as the Universe literally unraveled around her.
Buffy moaned in her sleep and twisted fretfully in her nest of blankets.
She saw, but could not stop the coming apocalypse. She felt her twin self’s resolve – saw her kiss Dawn goodbye. She turned to face the rising sun with a look of determined grace. Buffy screamed in horror as she watched herself dive into the chaotic mass of ultra-violet energy in the sky.
Her body became a lightning rod, absorbing the thunderbolts that once attacked the fabric of reality. She trembled and shook with the force of it, spasmed as if in the midst of electroshock – then at last was still. The dimensional gates closed, shrinking in on themselves to nothing as her lifeless body fell to the ground.
Buffy wept in her sleep, helpless to do more.
The sun rose fully in the sky, gently lighting her dead form. She saw the tears on her friend’s faces, on her sister’s. And at last she saw Spike, crouching near her and somehow more broken from her death than his own fall from impossible heights. Sobs wracked his body as he broke down and cried out the loss of her. She heard him weeping her name…
“ Buffy…Buffy…God, no…”
The scene changed to full daylight – a pretty, grassy place full of flowers. A lovely weeping willow tree hung over a rock maybe? What was that? In the dappled shade she could almost see… the branches parted to show her a speckled gray slab of marble. She recognized the shape of a headstone immediately. The inscription at last became clear;
Buffy Anne Summers
1981 to 2001
Beloved Sister
Devoted Friend
She saved the world a lot.
She sat bolt upright in her bed heart lodged in her throat with her strangled scream, tears running unchecked down her face. That was the worst nightmare she’d ever had. But it was more than a nightmare – she felt the weight of foresight settle on her shoulders.
“ No.”
But she could not deny the reality of the images that filled her mind. They were too visceral, too painful.
Prophecy.
She buried her face in her hands and cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy waited until the sun peeped through the blinds to call Giles. She’d spent the rest of the night wide-eyed with misery caught somewhere between tears and terror. Was this really what was going to happen? Was this unavoidably her destiny? She thought back to the prophetic dreams she’d had of the Master. She’d dreamed her death then too, and look how that turned out.
She put on a brave front for Giles, but even over the phone he could sense her distress. Thank God he was an early riser – he was already drinking his morning tea when her call came. Buffy hadn’t wanted him to go to so much trouble but he insisted on coming to get her. In retrospect she was glad, the last thing she wanted in the world was to be alone right now. Giles’ fatherly presence would bring her comfort and some much-needed stability. But she found herself thinking of someone else she wanted more. Some one she could be herself with, someone who would see through all of her defenses to the weepy chicken within. He might tease her a little, but just so she’d smile. He had that funny way of disarming her and putting her at ease at the same time.
God, Spike where are you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She had just enough time for a quick shower and fresh clothes before Giles came knocking. Buffy felt slightly calmer, but the vivid images from her dream haunted her. Pain, chaos, destruction, death… Spike in broken pieces on the ground. Dawn’s blood running in gory rivulets down her body. The dreary gray finality of her own gravestone. Buffy shuddered involuntarily, feeling suddenly sick and shivery. Her Watcher’s brow furrowed with concern.
“ Buffy, are you quite alright?”
“No.”
She replied miserably.
“ Tell me what I can do for you.”
He sat on the bed beside her and gently stroked her back, soothing her. She’d given him a brief sketch of her dream on the phone. But what was worrying him now was the pale cast of her complexion and the sick fear that showed plainly in her eyes. He frowned with worry. The poor girl had been through so much already.
Far too much for one so young.
Buffy shook her head in the negative.
“ I don’t know, Giles. I don’t know what anyone can do…” She paused and chewed her thumbnail fretfully. “ What if there’s nothing to be done and I…” she swallowed.
And this time it would be the real deal, a permanent time out in the pine penalty box. Game over and no extra plays. She’d seen her own headstone fer chrissakes! Buffy shivered again and pulled her soft pink cardigan more tightly around her shoulders. Giles patted her soothingly.
“ We mustn’t jump to conclusions, Buffy. We don’t know what your dream meant. It -”
She cut him off.
“ I do. I know exactly what it meant.”
She rose from the bed to stare out the window desolately.
“ It means I’m going to die.”
Chapter Twenty Four ~ Ruler of My Heart
“ Ruler of my heart, father of my soul – where can you be?
I wait patiently. My heart cries out, pain inside.
Where can you be? I wait patiently.
When you’re alone, the goin’ gets rough.
Come back, come back, come back – I’ve had enough.
Make me a queen, happy again. Hear my cry, please, my king.”
~ Lisa Fischer
It was a solemn group that gathered at the Magic Box that morning. So very different from the laughing friends that sat at that very table the day before. Xander took one look at her drawn face and gathered her into his arms. He hugged her tight and rested his cheek on the glossy crown of her hair, protective as any brother could ever be.
“ It’ll be alright, Buff. I promise.”
He kissed her softly on the top of her head before letting her go. Willow took her hand and sat next to her at the overloaded table.
“ We’ll fix this, Buffy. You know we will. We won’t let anything happen to you.”
She said it with all the comforting reassurance she could muster. Buffy tried hard to smile back at her friend. But deep inside she felt the cold fingers of death already reaching for her. Is this what she came here for? To die? She squeezed Willow’s hand briefly before letting it go, but couldn’t meet her eyes. Buffy found herself longing for her mother, just to hear her voice… But talk about complications. There was no way she could see her mom in this state, not without spilling her guts like the scared little girl she felt like inside. Bringing this Joyce a whole boat load of worry and fear she didn’t need during her recovery. Taking a deep breath she willed herself to stay calm. There was work to do.
And a Slayer’s job is never done. Not until she is anyway.
She thought morosely. Pushing the bad thoughts away from her, she looked up at Giles expectantly.
“ So where do we start?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was one of the most exhausting afternoons ever. Buffy felt totally drained of all energy and motivation. All she wanted now was to climb into her narrow dorm bed and cry herself to sleep. But there was still so much to do. Between her prophecy dream and forays into alternate Universes the research seemed endless. Willow had theories, Giles had probabilities – but no one seemed to have any answers. At 5 o’clock she couldn’t take it anymore, she just needed out of here for a while. She excused herself for a coffee run and nobody asked any questions.
It was so good to be outside, to feel free for a little while. She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp scent of the evening air, beginning to relax just the tiniest bit.
Buffy strolled downtown taking in the seemingly familiar sites. It was getting harder and harder to believe that this wasn’t really her home, her world. She was already starting to forget the little differences. Like was the coffee place always the Espresso Station? Wasn’t it something else? She honestly couldn’t remember. She pulled the gang’s drink order from her pocket, looking it over.
Latte for Will. Red Eye for Anya. Hot Chocolate for Xander.
She couldn’t help smiling a little at that one.
Same Old Xand.
Maybe she should pick up something besides doughnuts while she was out. She rounded a corner past the theater lost in thought and almost ran into someone.
“Spike!”
She said, startled.
Shit!
She was so not prepared for this. I mean she knew he was around, had been kinda wanting to seek him out actually. But now that he’d materialized in front of her she was lost.
What would he say to her? What would she say to him?!
“ Buffy.”
He said, perfectly indifferent. Not Slayer, she noted – just Buffy.
“ W-What are you doing here?”
She managed to stammer out. He looked her over coolly, the very picture of nonchalance.
“Just waiting for the Slayer to show up.”
It was truly stunning how much that upset her.
The Slayer?!?
“ Why?” She snarked, covering her hurt. “ Got a hot date?”
He quirked an eyebrow at her his jaw tightening imperceptibly.
“As a matter of fact. Yeah.”
He turned and smiled with pleasure, but not at her. Faith sauntered up casually, a lurid picture in black leather. She was wearing tight leather pants, a slinky red shirt that looked painted on, a studded belt and high-heeled biker boots. The girl looked like a walking felony.
Just what Spike would go for.
She thought irritably.
“ Hey, Baby.”
Faith purred, shooting Spike a saucy smile and launching herself into his arms. He grinned wolfishly.
“ There’s my girl.”
He wrapped his arms around the Slayer and kissed her deeply. Buffy could only stand and gawk as her brain completely flat lined. When they finally came up for air, Faith turned to smile at her.
“ Oh, Hey B. How ya doin’?”
Buffy searched for the appropriate answer among her frozen synapses.
“ Fine.”
Faith nodded agreeably, seemingly unaware of her predicament.
“ Cool. Any breakthroughs on that whole AU sitch?”
Buffy shook her head numbly.
“ No, not yet.”
“ That’s too bad.”
Faith leaned back into Spike comfortably.
“ Yeah.”
Buffy could only stare in horrified fascination at the scene before her, nearly frozen with shock. It was one thing to hear about something terrible, but another thing all together to actually witness it. It was like a car crash - she couldn’t look away.
“ So, how’s your boy?”
Faith asked casually. Spike looked bored and studied his nails, one arm still wrapped protectively around her waist. Buffy wanted to slap his hand away, but shoved her own hands deeply into her pockets instead.
Not my Spike.
She reminded herself, trying to stay steady.
“ He’s fine.”
Faith wrapped her arm around Spike’s neck, nuzzling.
“ Sweet. We should hang out soon. Go dancin’ or somethin’ - talk about the old times.”
Oh, and wouldn’t that just be a hoot?
“Yeah.”
Spike’s boredom seemed to have reached a breaking point.
“ I hate to bust up the party, Pet – but we really should be goin’.”
He untangled himself from her arms and moved to walk away, patting her rump affectionately.
“ Yeah, we should. Sorry, B. Can’t keep the vamps waitin’. ”
Spike reached back for Faith’s hand without looking, as if he simply expected it to be there.
Somehow this was one of the most devastating things Buffy had seen in the past two days.
“ Sure.”
She said limply.
“ Catch ya later though?”
Faith grabbed Spike’s hand which he took hold of instantly, possessively. It made her stomach hurt.
“ Yeah.”
Faith waved as they walked away, holding hands like the lovers they were.
“ Great, B. Take it easy. Call me if ya get any info.”
Spike never turned around once. And she realized that this was the least amount of words they had exchanged. Ever. He hardly seemed to register her presence at all in fact.
“ Sure. Bye.”
She said quietly, feeling sick.
And she stood there watching as what used to be her life walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy stared after them until they had long faded from her view. Standing alone in the spotlight of a streetlamp she felt the tears overflow and simply surrendered. There was no way she could hope to contain them at this point. There was too much hurt - too much fear and confusion to hold back. Her chin started to wobble and she turned from the light to find some semblance of privacy. If she was going to have a breakdown she didn’t want to do it in the street.
Ducking into the alleyway beside the Espresso Station she turned her face to the rough stone wall and cried. She wept out her confusion at being cast into this crazy world where nothing was right. She sobbed over the loss of her sister and of Spike – who knows if she’d ever get them back? And she needed them both so much. She’d been rocked by the unexpected loss of her sister. And she’d never felt more bereft in her life than the moment Spike walked away with Faith.
She felt so alone right now, so terribly alone. She knew she still had the Scoobies, her Mom and Giles, but the people that she felt the closest to were out of her reach - maybe forever. And that was only the beginning of this nightmare. As if it weren’t enough to be cast away into Bizarro World - Death was breathing down her neck now. The real kind you didn’t come back from. She was staring down the barrel of the big dirt nap - and that scared her more than she could even put into words.
Spike once told her that she was just a little bit in love with death, that it was part of being a Slayer. Maybe that was true, sometimes she felt drawn to a darkness that seemed to call her name. And at times the burdens of her work felt like too much to bear. But now that she was faced with it, it was the last thing in the world she wanted. There was still so much life ahead of her! She didn’t want to miss a moment of it – she wanted to spend more time with Mom, help her get well again. She wanted to see Dawn grow up, to find out what genius career Willow ended up in, and play Auntie to Anya and Xander’s kids… God, how could she miss all that? Her breath hitched as her tears began to dry up little by little.
And then there was Spike. Her Spike was waiting for her, and there was definitely something between them. He’d been irritatingly right again. That thought made her smile. He was an annoyingly perceptive little bastard, wasn’t he? She never realized how much she relied on him until recently – how much she needed him. Now that he was effectively gone she couldn’t deny it. What she wouldn’t give to just talk to him… He had a way of making everything alright. He always reassured her with out making her feel weak, and if he were here right now he’d be doing everything in his power to help her. She found that comforting. Maybe her Spike was in their world doing just that. If he knew she was missing he’d do whatever he had to to bring her back. Buffy smiled again, a little steadier this time. He loved her. Her smile widened. And she…well, she somethinged him. Maybe not love…
Not yet at least.
But something.
Chapter Twenty Five ~ A Fine Romance
“ A fine romance with no kisses. A fine romance, my friend this is.
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes.
But you’re as cold as yesterday’s mashed potatoes.
A fine romance, you won’t nestle.
A fine romance, you won’t wrestle.
I might as well play bridge with my old maiden aunts.
I haven’t got a chance, this is a fine romance.”
~ Ella Fitzgerald
Buffy dried her eyes on the sleeve of her jacket and smoothed out her hair, calming down now. She snuffled away the last of her tears and straightened her clothes - preparing to fill their orders and get back to the Magic Box. There was still work to do, and she wasn’t about to give up. Not when she had so much to lose. Dawn and Spike belonged to her and she was damn well going to fight for them. There had to be a way to get her back home and defeat Glory that didn’t end in her death.
Feeling better and freshly determined she stepped from the shadow of the alley and into the warmth of the small café. It was bright and cheery inside bolstering her mood even more. It only took a minute to place their drink order and she filled her wait time with a thorough examination of the glass pastry case. Buffy had just added on some turtle brownies, lemon bars and biscotti when she was startled by a heavy tap on the shoulder.
She spun around to see the lunk towering over her.
“Riley!”
“ Hi, Honey.” He smiled brightly at her, obviously pleased to see her. She wished she could say the same. Pulling her in for a hug he said, “ It’s great to see you.”
And my night just keeps getting better and better.
She plastered on a fake smile for his benefit.
“ You too.”
“ What’re you doing here? I thought you were busy tonight.”
He asked, looking puzzled.
“ Oh, I am. Just gettin’ some coffee, taking a little break.”
She replied quickly.
“ Big study session?”
“ Yeah-huh. The biggest.”
Buffy nodded vigorously. The clerk called out for a pick-up of her order and Riley eyed the multiple coffee drinks and large bag of goodies suspiciously.
“ That can’t be for just you and Willow…”
Buffy looked down at the drink carrier and paper sack in her hands and laughed nervously.
“ Oh no, of course not. It’s for…for…” her brain refused to work for a moment – then aha!
“ For our study group. For History class. We’ve got a project due you know.” Could she improvise or what?
“ Oh, well – of course.” He smiled with apparent relief. And somehow she just knew what he was thinking – he was afraid she was doing late night research with the gang. And he didn’t want his sweet little fiancée involved with that anymore did he? An angry spurt of resentment surged into her belly. “ Glad you’re being so studious and taking your grades seriously this semester.” He added.
Had he always sounded this condescending? How had she missed that exactly? Buffy stifled the urge to shove a biscotti where it would do the most good and smiled winningly at him instead.
“ Thanks for your support, Sweetie. But I really have to be getting back now. Looks like an all-nighter.”
She tried to look apologetic. Riley appeared somewhat stunned by her dazzling display of teeth. Well, she had given him her famous1000 kilowatt no-boy-can-resist-it smile.
I am so good.
Buffy thought smugly. She planted a quick peck on his cheek and headed towards the door.
“ I’ll call you later though,’kay?”
“ O-okay, Buffy. Goodnight then.”
“ “Night!”
She called over her shoulder waving cheerily. And she rounded the corner and headed back to the shop as quickly as she could, considering the whole thing a very near miss. She settled out of her brisk trot into a steady walk and began to breathe normally again. It was getting harder and harder to talk to Riley these days. She wanted to blame it on this whole alternate Universe mess but she knew it started long before that. They’d been having problems for months now. The worst thing was that they never talked about it. He wouldn’t open up to her unless she broke him down with relentless questioning. She had to drag anything she wanted to know out of him kicking and screaming. It was becoming obvious that he didn’t trust her, and never had. Thinking back she could see how he questioned her and her motives over and over. It was also becoming clear how seriously insecure he was – he doubted her love and commitment from almost the beginning.
Look at how he’d responded to her relationship with Angel – and to Angel himself for that matter. (Not that Angel had handled that whole mess any better.) And then there was how he reacted to Spike – could he possibly be more aggressive? Jeeze! She could chalk it up to some subconscious sense of their mutual (ahem) attraction, but she really thought it was more than that. She rooted around in the bag for a cookie and then munched on it thoughtfully as she walked.
The truth was that Riley lived in a black and white world. Spike was a demon, Angel was a demon and demons = evil in Riley Land. End of discussion. (And how many times had she heard that little expression?!) Buffy rolled her eyes with annoyance. Riley’d said that to her at least a hundred times – anytime he didn’t want to talk anymore. So pretty much every time they talked about anything real or important. He said it so much you’d think it was the latest catch phrase sweeping the nation. She sighed with frustration and crunched down on her chocolate chip biscotti.
He was annoyingly narrow-minded. And it wasn’t just about demons. Everything seemed to fit into his black and white worldview. And talk about controlling! He had her entire life planned out here – and her own Riley was no better. How many times had he told her what to do, or what she needed? How many times had he preached to her about right and wrong? Ethics? Manners?
“Arg!”
The truth was staring her right in the face. He really was Captain America. (Thanks, Spike). And she was damn sick of it. It was like he was born into the wrong era. He shoulda been a G-Man in the 50’s. Hell, he was thisclose to McCarthy era politics anyway. Before you know it he’ll be spoutin’ off about commies and building a bomb shelter. That made her giggle.
Hey, I actually learned something in History class! Go, Buffy!
Wouldn’t Willow be proud? Buffy smiled brightly, feeling pleased with herself. But then she remembered the train of thought that led her here.
Bleah. Riley.
Where was she again? Oh yes, sick to death of his crap. His narrow-minded, preachy, condescending, self-righteous, shutdown, insecure CRAP. He’d finally worn her down, she’d had enough.
Honestly, if this is normal?
Who needs it?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She walked back into the Magic Box in a much better mood than she’d left it.
“ Who has a sweet tooth?” she called cheerily “ I come bearing chocolatey goodness.”
She set her haul down on the research table smiling. Xander dove into the large paper sack greedily.
“ Ooo, chocolate chip cookie-things.”
He dug one out of the bag and began munching away.
“ They’re biscotti, you heathen.”
Buffy said, raising an eyebrow at him.
“ All I know is they make my mouth happy.”
He smiled back at her beatifically. Willow snagged a rich looking brownie dripping with caramel.
“ You got brownies?!” she exclaimed with glee. “I vote we send Buffy on all the snack runs.”
Xander looked offended.
“ Hey! I am the Snack Master here, there shall be no other.”
Buffy patted his shoulder in consolation.
“ Don’t worry, Xand. I wasn’t gonna quit my day job to become ‘Buffy the Munchie Slayer’.”
He ducked his head in a dignified manner.
“Good. As long as we’re clear.”
Buffy pulled up a chair next to Willow and pulled her mochaccino out of the carrier.
“ So, any new developments?”
She asked, barely daring to hope.
“ Actually there was something…” Willow looked down at her notes briefly then back up at Buffy.“ Did you say that Faith never appeared in your dream?”
The Slayer nodded.
“ That’s right.”
Willow frowned, contemplating the paper in front of her.
“ And Dawnie did?”
That faint hope was growing now in Buffy’s chest.
“ Yes.”
Willow nodded and flipped through the pages of the yellow legal pad she was holding.
“ Did you get any sense of her actually being your sister? Like did you notice her hair? You said her hair was different here…”
Buffy’s eyes went wide as understanding struck her.
“ Oh my God – I was back there...” she gasped covering her mouth with her hand.
“ In my dream – I was home.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“ That’s what we’re thinking, yeah. I went over my notes a few times and it’s the only thing that makes sense – based on the information you gave us.”
Willow chewed thoughtfully on her pencil and began flipping through the pages of her legal pad again, scowling. Buffy felt like jumping for joy.
Finally a freakin’ break!
“ Why aren’t you more excited about this? Guys, come on!” She was practically bouncing in her chair. Oh, to be home again! To see Mom, to hug Dawn and to… something Spike. She grinned at the thought. Nothing would make her happier right now.
“ Well, I’d like to be – but we still have no idea how you get there. Heck, we don’t even know how ya got here. And I’ve just about exhausted the resources I have, there’s still no answers and it’s not like Giles is being any help…” Willow frowned petulantly.
“ I heard that. I am right in the room you know.” Giles looked up at her from his spot by the register. Willow shot him an apologetic smile.
“ I’m sorry, Giles, I’m just frustrated. This is the craziest thing we’ve ever come up against.”
“ And that’s saying something.” Xander interjected.
“Indeed.” Giles began polishing his glasses as if on cue, stepping out from behind the counter. “ And I’m afraid my books aren’t of any use in this case. Everything I have references inter-dimensional travel at most.”
“ So we can send you into a wacky Hell dimension.” Xander smiled at Buffy winningly, aiming for good humor.
“ Or the world without shrimp.” Anya piped up.
“ But not home.” Willow said quietly. “ I’m sorry, Buffy. We just don’t know anything yet.” She gave her friend a regretful look then began flipping through the books in front of her once more. “ Magic maybe? Or the going to the Watcher’s Council?” Seeing Buffy’s horrified expression she backtracked. “ Or not. No Watcher’s Council. Bad, bad idea. I just don’t want you to be stuck here – and we’re running out of options… Erg!” She ran an aggravated hand through her already-tousled strawberry locks. “ We’re spoiled, that’s what it is. We’re just so used to finding the answers we need here. A problem comes up and we go runnin’ to the books. Then wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am,” She slapped her hand on the table for emphasis. “ There it is all solutiony.”
“ You’re right, Wil. We need to think outside the box.” Xander made a wide box-shaped gesture.
“ Yeah, but how?” Buffy rose from the table and began pacing. “I mean, when there’s a new Big Bad in town I’m the go-to girl. Gimme danger. But I don’t have the first clue about inter-diwhatsinal traveling, Universe hopping or…or any of it.”
She stopped and threw up her hands in exasperation. Xander patted her shoulder in a conciliatory way.
“ Don’t be so hard on yourself, Buffster. You research with the best of ‘em.”
“ I give it the old college try at least.” Buffy shot him a sideways smile. “But this is making me insane-o girl.” She turned to her Watcher. “ Giles, I need something I can slay here. Or at least, I need to slay something.” She looked at him pleadingly. “ Maybe I could get some info. out on patrol…”
“ We’ve already discussed this, Buffy. There are things it would be best for Faith not to know. Particularly if she is as potentially dangerous as you say. And if she were to see you… I’m sorry, but I do think it’s important we maintain normal conditions here.” He smiled at her apologetically. “Well, as normal as possible at any rate.”
Buffy sighed with frustration and pent-up energy. If she didn’t kill something soon…
“ Okay. I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”
She’d slipped unconsciously into her best pouty face. Giles took it as a warning that tempers were wearing thin.
“ Perhaps we should call it a night then. Resume our strategizing in the morning?”
“ Who knows, maybe we’ll have a breakthrough by then.” Xander was ever hopeful.
“ Maybe.” Buffy smiled at him distractedly.
“ You okay, Buff?” He asked, concerned.
“ Yeah, just a little restless. You know I’m all proactive gal.”
“ A little less conversation, a little more action?” Xander quoted, with just a touch of Elvis.
Buffy gave him a real smile this time.
“ Exactly.”
“ Think of it as a mini-vacation.” He draped a casual arm around her shoulders.
“ All slay and no play makes Buffy a dull girl?” she quipped. It was his turn to smile now.
“ Exactly.” He gave her a playful squeeze. “ You could use this time to spend with Riley. I mean I know he’s not exactly your Riley, but you do still love the guy, right?”
So skirting this issue.
“ Right.” She gave him a bright faux smile.
If only the right guy were available for a play date…
She thought, remembering a certain set of cool, strong hands, his sweet, wet mouth and rock solid-
“ Buffy?” Willow called.
“ Yeah huh?” She felt a bit flushed. “ Sorry, just spaced out for a minute. Guess I actually do need some sleep.”
“ I shouldn’t wonder, after last night.” Giles looked concerned.
“ I was just asking if you wanted me to walk home with you. I’m planning on going to Tara’s, but it’s right on the way.” Willow also looked worried.
Buffy gave them a reassuring smile.
“ No, really – I’m fine guys. A little alone time will do me some good. Got a lot to think about right now.”
“ Of course.” Giles smiled back at her kindly. “ Do be careful though. Glory and her minions are still about, not to mention the various other vampires and demons Sunnydale has to offer.”
“ I know, don’t worry. I’ll give the bad guys a wide berth tonight.”
She did her best to sound sincere.
“ I promise.”
Chapter Twenty Six ~ I’m Beginning to See the Light
“ I used to ramble through the park, shadow boxing in the dark –
Then you came and lit the spark that’s a four-alarm fire now.
I never cared much for moonlit skies; I never winked back at fireflies.
But now that the stars are in your eyes, I’m beginning to see the light.
I never made love by lantern shine; I never saw rainbows in my wine.
But now that your lips are burnin’ mine, I’m beginning to see the light.”
~ Bobby Darin
Buffy left the Magic Box feeling wound up and restless – ready for action, with none to be had.
“ No patrolling tonight?” She grumbled kicking at a loose bit of gravel in her path. “And just how am I supposed to sleep exactly?”
Maybe she’d get lucky and get attacked on the way home.
“ Yeah!”
She grinned happily thinking about it, picturing an entire pack of demons descending on her.
Ooo! Or maybe a vampire gang?
Her hands just itched for a stake. This was the longest she’d gone without a fight in four years, and she was feeling seriously deprived. She found it wasn’t a sensation she enjoyed. She hated not being the Slayer anymore. It made her feel stripped of her power and pushed aside. In a way she supposed she was. No matter that it was her own choice that got her here.
Or a Buffy’s choice anyway.
How the woman put up with it, she’d never know. Now here she was, having to fulfill that role, play the good girl. And she never was very good at making with the obedience. Being told not to do something only made her want to do it more.
Ya think Giles would’ve figured that out by now.
She chuckled to herself at that. Who was he kidding? She was always gonna patrol tonight. You can’t keep a good Slayer down – and Faith or no Faith she had work to do. Vamps to kill, demons to slay…frustrations to work out. (Ahem) And she was developing a serious hate-on for Faith again. Not like it was a stretch. Even if this Faith hadn’t done all of those things, Buffy had no doubt that she was capable – of all that and more. She knew it was only a matter of time for this one to snap too.
You can take the girl outta the psycho, but never the psycho outta the girl.
It didn’t help her case any watching Faith hanging all over her Spike. Buffy let out an unconscious little growl at that. She knew she was in another place, not her own – but nothing could stop the territorial feelings she had where her people were concerned.
She knew exactly what she wanted, and once she made up her mind about something; stand the hell back. Nothing was gonna get in her way. Not Riley, not Faith - not even a skanky Hell god with permanent brain fry. And no way some freaky magickal glitch was gonna steal her life from her. “Retired” or not, she was still the fucking Slayer and she was gonna fight for what was hers.
And that included Dawn and Spike, dammit. Seeing him with Faith like that was just about more than she could take. And it finally drove home the truth she’d been denying all this time.
Years even.
She wanted Spike. Buffy said it aloud, trying it on for size;
“ I want Spike.”
There, that wasn’t so bad. It felt kinda good actually. Try it again:
“ I want Spike. I do. I. Want. Spike.”
Plain as day. Here was the truth from her own mouth. And she’d spent all that time fighting this why? ‘Cause now that she said it, it felt good, right – freeing.
Huh. So there really is something to that whole truth-will-set-you-free thing. Who knew?
Buffy felt more relaxed than she had in years. Was it the thought of finally being with Spike? Or just the fact that she wasn’t being repress-o girl anymore? All that holding back required an awful lot of energy she’d discovered. She was almost giddy with relief. The ten-ton weight she’d been carrying around her neck was gone.
She was through lying to herself. No more trying to squeeze into a mold someone else made for her, no more whining, no more crying and best of all:
No more Riley.
Oh yeah. They were going to have a loooong talk when she got back. (if she got back?) And then it was bye bye, birdie. Nothing but sweet Spikey goodness from now on.
Buffy headed towards Stevenson Hall, smiling.
It was still odd to be back in the dorms, but she was getting used to it again. At least here she knew AU Joyce was getting better and didn’t need her. It gave her hope that her own mother would recover as well. She unlocked the door to her room with a quiet click and looked around at the mess in front of her.
This place is a disaster – no wonder I’m feelin’ all comfy.
There had been no time to tidy up in the past two days (God, had it only been two?). They’d all been in full research mode since she got to this crazy place. Buffy stared at the debris strewn around her side of the room and sighed. She was so not in the mood to clean.
(But when was she ever?) Mom never let her slack at home, but when left to her own devices chaos reigned. She settled for gathering all her dirty clothes into a laundry basket and hiding it in her closet and shoving the huge heap of schoolbooks under the bed.
There all better.
She smiled at her clever cleaning solution and flopped down on the now-uncluttered bed, feeling tense and twitchy. She needed to get out on rounds soon. If anyone asked she was just out walking and thinking things through. No one would doubt that after tonight’s meeting hopefully. God, when was the last time she’d had to cover up her patrolling? Junior year? She couldn’t believe she was back here again. Buffy sighed and got up to change her clothes. Her mind was buzzing with images of Faith and Spike together along with thoughts of Riley and his manly smothering. Then there were flashbacks from her nightmare just for extra fun. It was truly heinous.
“ Well, nothing like a little bloodshed to cure what ails you.”
She smiled with sinister humor and pocketed several stakes, grinning in anticipation as she headed out into the night
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike woke with a start, his breath catching in his throat. He gulped unnecessary air, feeling suddenly suffocated.
Another bloody dream.
About the Slay… about Buffy.
Dammit why was it always Buffy? For years now she’d haunted him. Seemed like everywhere he turned there she was – still! And she wasn’t even the actual Slayer anymore – but try getting his mouth to say that. He’d almost slipped up today, seeing her. And it was a damn good thing Faith liked being called ‘Slayer’ in bed – or he’d probably be dust by now. She didn’t like to share her toys – a mere hit of a ‘ Bu - ’ and he’d fit neatly into an ashtray.
Jealous little thing she was – and jealous of Buffy most of all. Privately Spike thought that havin’ the position as the one and only Slayer was the lone thing keepin’ her from goin’ ‘round the bend.
Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.
That and the Bit. Dawn helped keep her grounded, gave her something to live for, to fight for. Gave him something to keep going for too. She was one of the few people on this earth Spike had ever loved. Her and Buffy – and long ago his own family. But he never loved Faith. He picked up a smoke from the pack on the nightstand and lit it, thinking. At first he’d found her right attractive. Put him in mind of Dru in a way, ‘cept she had all that excellent rage and strength. Faith was so fierce, so wild; she was a white hat with a bad girl streak a mile wide. How could he resist? He thought he’d found his perfect match at last – as if Buffy was just a phase he was going through, a mad schoolboy crush he’d be soon to forget. Spike snorted taking a long, slow drag. How naive he’d been.
They’d cut a brutal swath through the demon population of Sunnydale in the beginning – bashing and shagging for all they were worth. It was a beautiful thing, the closest he’d felt to his old self since that buggering chip was implanted. And he was content for a while. He had his kills; he had a wild warrior woman in his bed. It seemed like enough at the time… But all too soon a sense of dreadful emptiness crept in, a sense of something missing. But what? He just couldn’t figure it out.
And then the dreams started. Vivid tableaus of he and Buffy fighting, fucking, loving each other. He hadn’t seen their like since he first realized he was in love with her. In bits and pieces they told him everything he did not want to know. That Faith was vacant, that this is all she was and all she could offer. An empty lay in an empty crypt. They showed him all the ways she wasn’t Buffy, and never would be. In the end Faith had only served to demonstrate to him what he really wanted, but could never have. What a priceless cosmic joke.
He sighed and ground out his cigarette fiercely. And there was Buffy still, a golden goddess dancing just out of his reach. Always enticing, always enchanting but never near enough to touch. And now she was happy, living the life she deserved. Away from all this bloodshed, from him and his kind – in the light where she belonged. Maybe Peaches’d known what he was on about for once. She met a normal guy, went to college – was about to get married, the whole nine. Even if it was to Finn.
The useless cunt.
He spat. And don’t think that little announcement didn’t give him a nasty turn. She was getting married. Then she’d graduate and leave, move to Nebraska or Idaho or somewhere, have fine fat babies and grow old. With someone else. It broke his heart into dry, jagged little pieces. He’d gone on a week-long bender. Faith never asked him why. He suspected on some level she already knew, but didn’t want to end their little charade. As long as he kept up the pretense… And sad bastard that he was, he did. ‘Cause Faith was better than nothing, right? Better than pining over Buffy full-time and tossing off in the exile of his loneliness.
Ya waster.
So here he was, stuck with a girl he didn’t love. Loving a girl he couldn’t have. Some days he just prayed for death. Couldn’t go on like this much longer. Seeing Buffy again like that made it plain. He’d felt his heart leap into his throat. It was all he could do not to grab her and kiss her the way he longed to, not to fall to his knees and beg her to run away with him. He’d willed his mouth shut, saying as little as possible. And then he’d practically used Faith as a human shield, keeping her between him and Buffy at all times. He could hardly stand to look at her. The sight of her hurt his heart. He was just grateful she didn’t come ‘round much anymore. She stayed away from the cemeteries these days. Had better things to do.
Unlike me.
“God enough! Enough!”
He’d had it with his own pathetic shite. Sitting here in the dark obsessing over Buffy. Again.
Better watch it, Mate. You’re this far from becoming a bleedin’ bunny-boiler.
His little catnap had done nothing to soothe his nerves. For some reason, the past two days the dreams had been worse than ever. He needed to get his undead arse out of this hellhole and get in a few good kills. That’d fix him right up. Nothing like a spot of violence to clear a man’s head. Spike got out of bed and pulled on clothes from the discarded pile on the floor. It was time he got out on his own anyway. He’d patrolled with Faith every night this week. If he spent any more time with the girl they’d be living together. He shuddered visibly at the thought.
Maybe it was time to cool it off a bit, put a little distance between them. Hell, maybe it was time to get out of Sunnydale for that matter. Take a nice long road trip – or go back to London, clear his head. He couldn’t hunt like he used to, but he’d make his way. He always did. This was sounding better and better. Get the hell outta Dodge, ease up with the little woman, get some space from Buffy.
“ Yeah. Bloody brilliant.”
Spike smiled genuinely for the first time all day. He headed up to the upper level of his crypt and out into the night, whistling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy walked alone through the midnight silence of Shady Glen cemetery, her brain on over-drive, trying to process the events of the past week.
I mean, could things be any weirder?
Hardly. She was trapped in an alternate Universe where her sister wasn’t her sister, her boyfriend was her fiancé and Faith seemed to be living what was rightfully Buffy’s life. There she was out on patrol
(Or screwing Spike into the ground!!)
(Growl) Doing all the things she wanted to do. With the people she wanted to be doing them with. She knew he wasn’t her Spike, but that green eyed little monster was still there. It was probably better if she avoided contact with Faith while she was here. Wouldn’t want any unforeseen accidents to happen… Buffy grinned evilly at that.
She knew she should feel bad about Riley, but she just couldn’t bring herself to. It was over and she knew it, and all she could feel about that was profound relief. Other Buffy might want to marry the guy – Lord knows why. She only knew that this Buffy didn’t want that. Riley was a good man with a good heart – but something was just plain missing. She didn’t know what it was exactly; it was just something she felt intuitively. What they had was good for awhile – but it wasn’t enough. She needed…
What?
Passion maybe. Somebody that made her feel alive. Someone that lit her up from the inside that she couldn’t wait to see. Someone that would know everything about her and love her, the very worst parts of her - not in spite of that, but because of it. Someone who could love her Slayerness – the light and dark of her. Who could celebrate it, revel in it with her. Because she was finally getting that. She had discovered recently that she loved her calling and loved that part of herself. Feeling strong and powerful, and being able to wield that power - well, it felt damn good. Spike was right (which was happening annoyingly often lately.) She loved it, and now she wanted someone who would love it too.
And I have a good idea who that someone might be…
Riley was not that someone. Never had that been illustrated more clearly than at dinner the other night. He was so, so glad that she was retired. He had every aspect of their quite little life planned down to the last detail. And none of it included slaying, or vampires; she could even see how he planned her friends right out of her life. He really didn’t want her to have anything to do with the supernatural world in any way. She couldn’t believe he would retire from the Initiative like that. But he was bound and determined she would have everything she deserved. And apparently he was the only one who knew what that was.
It made her feel so suffocated. She didn’t know how other Buffy could stand it. She was just glad she was getting out of here soon.(Hopefully maybe?) Other Buffy would have to figure it out on her own. She was just going to keep her head down and try not to do anything crazy like -
“ Spike.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn. Why was she here? Why now? Just when he was startin’ to get his head on straight. Fuck. Alright, alright calm down. Act casual. Just try to get through this without doing anything stupid like…
“ Buffy.”
Yes, exactly like that. Appealing as that idea seemed at the moment. God, she looked gorgeous in the moonlight. Her hair became the palest gold and her skin…
Bloody berk. Get hold of yourself!
“ What’re you doin’ about this late? Thought you gave it all up for lent or some such.”
He gestured broadly to include the cemetery, himself and the night in general. Buffy shrugged non-comittally.
“ Yeah. Well – I just needed to think. Had a lot on my mind.”
God, he looked good. If James Dean and Sid Vicious had a love child he would look exactly like Spike. She wasn’t at all prepared for the effect his physical presence would have on her. She caught herself staring at his wide, expressive mouth…remembering.
Get a grip, Summers! This is not your Spike.
But he looked like her Spike…she moved unconsciously closer. Did he smell like him too? Would he taste the same…feel the same? She drew nearer.
The Slayer was giving him a very interesting look right now. If he didn’t know better he’d think… But that was bloody looney. She was well ensconced in her happy little life. Practically a newlywed for fuck’s sake. Probably just wishful thinking on his part.
Yeah, right…wishful.
Buffy stalked slowly closer. Thinking about her Spike, forgetting just when it was that he’d become that. Missing him more than ever now that his replica was standing here – right within her reach. Her hands ached to touch him. Her lips to taste him. She thought of what it was she’d wanted to do to him that night. To take him in her mouth right then and there. She licked her suddenly dry lips.
Spike’s eyes widened at the sight of her little pink tongue skating across lustrous cherry lips. Damn. He was getting the vibe off this girl - hard. The stare down she was giving him - all hunger, all desire. He’d been around long enough to recognize The Look when he saw it. But for the unlife of him he couldn’t figure why. Why was Buffy, the future Mrs. Riley Finn, makin’ with the bedroom eyes all the sudden? She was getting him hard with that look. He swallowed reflexively. If she came on any stronger he would quickly cease to care why…
“ Buffy – what…?”
He found himself backing away from the intensity of her hungry gaze.
Somewhere deep in his cerebral cortex a battle was being waged. Two primal instincts were colliding. One identified himself as prey for the deadly predator currently stalking him. The urge for flight was strong. The other told him MATE is here, now. The urge to stay was stronger…
She was so close now. He could feel the heat of her skin from here. He wanted to warm himself against the blaze of it. Her heartbeat sounded fast and hard, as if she’d been running. But what was she running to? It pulsed steadily in his ears, seeming to drown out all else. He was losing himself, drowning in the visceral reality of her. He was about to lose control, with no earthly idea how things had gotten to this point. If she touched him, it was all over.
“ A-Are you okay, Love?”
He gave it one last try. He wasn’t sure whether he should be relieved or disappointed when she stopped advancing on him, seeming to snap out of the trance she was in. She looked like she’d forgotten where she was for a moment.
“ Oh, Spike…yeah. I’m okay.”
Buffy blushed. What the hell was she doing? Stalking Spike like some kind of crazed sex-maniac! Poor guy, no wonder he looked freaked. What was the matter with her? He had a girlfriend here – and it wasn’t her.
Faith.
She thought sickly. And he was obviously in love with her. Buffy backed off a few steps, feeling self-conscious and ill.
“I-I’m sorry about that. I was just…thinking about someone. You reminded me of him and, I guess I just got lost in thought for a moment. I must’ve looked pretty zoned out, huh?”
She stammered, hoping he wouldn’t guess just what she’d been thinking about. That it hadn’t been totally obvious she was two seconds away from devouring him whole like a cocktail olive.
“ Uh yeah. Right. No worries.”
He rubbed the back of his neck fretfully. Thinking of someone? Who? That reminded her of him? Someone that made her …like that. Bloody hell.
“ Lucky bastard…”
He muttered under his breath, starting to pace. He felt entirely pent up. Lit up and let down. The energy was buzzing through his veins. He really needed a kill now.
“ What was that?”
Buffy asked, irritation flaring into her tone. Her desire for him automatically sublimating itself. Old habits die hard.
“ Nothing.”
He continued to pace, ready to go on the hunt himself now.
“ It didn’t sound like nothing, Spike.”
She put her hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. He sighed.
Bloody bint never could let things go.
“ It’s just that, you didn’t seem lost in thought exactly.”
His tone was careful. Hers was not.
“ Oh? And what did I seem like then?”
She wanted to pursue this? Fine. He faced her squarely.
“ You seemed like you were on the bloody prowl, Slayer.”
Her mouth formed an incredulous O.
“ Whatever, Spike. What would you know about it?”
She was starting to piss him off now.
“ What would I know? A hundred twenty plus years is what I know. I’ve seen every look there is – trust me. And I know the look you were just giving me.”
She scoffed openly.
“ Yeah? And what look is that?”
He circled her, leaning in intimately. Giving her back a taste of predatory stalking.
“ You looked at me like you wanted to devour my soul. Like you wanted to shag me into the sodding ground.”
His voice was a low rumble in her ear, making her shiver. She tried to sound convincing when she dismissed him this time.
“ You’re dreaming.”
He stood back, his arms crossed righteously.
“ Not this bloody time I’m not.”
He seemed so self-assured…wait - did he just admit to dreaming about her?
“ W-what does that mean?”
She stammered out, momentarily confused. Spike realized his slip and covered by interrogating her.
“ And who’s this fella you were thinkin’ about? The one that turns you into a bleedin’ cat in heat?”
He accused.
“ Not that it’s any of your business, but I was thinking of Riley.”
She tried to sound breezy and confident.
“ Finn? You were thinking of soldier boy?”
He laughed out loud.
“ What? I was!”
Buffy looked indignant. This only made him laugh harder.
“ You’re telling me I remind you of Captain Cardboard now?”
Damn. She’d forgotten that part.
“ Oh - that is … I mean. No.”
She chewed her thumbnail anxiously. Dead give away - he had her now. And he had a sneaking little suspicion about something…or was it just the tiniest bit of hope?
“ So which is it then, Princess? That you were thinking of Riley? Or you were thinking of someone else?” He leaned in close to whisper seductively in her ear;“ Or is it really that you were thinking of me?’
She was working up a really excellent retort when Spike abruptly fell to the ground.
Under the attack of an enormous vampire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The thing was huge – had to be six foot six if it was an inch. Buffy just stood and goggled for a minute, taken completely off guard. Very un-Slayer like.
Nice moves, Slick.
She chastised herself, reaching at last for the stake tucked into her waistband. She moved to strike, but Spike was on top of it, vamped out and beating it down with all he was worth. A feral growl issued from his throat.
Is it wrong to think that is way hot?
He looked gorgeous right now, primal – full of power. It made her girly parts throb and tingle just watching him fight. She always did appreciate a man with skills. Spike was in full kill mode - giving an extremely dismayed vamp the thrashing of its unlife. It clearly thought they were easy targets, a nice quick meal.
Moron.
She thought, amused. Any vamp who didn’t have the presence of mind to recognize a master vampire and a Slayer deserves whatever it gets.
Observe, Darwinism at work.
She tossed Spike the stake at an opportune moment and watched him dust it with casual grace. She almost wanted to applaud, it was so artfully done. But she managed to contain herself. Spike got up from the kneeling position he was in, slapping the vamp dust from his hands.
He stood there grinning. The joy of the kill written all over his face. It was a look she recognized - a look she loved. She couldn’t help but smile back. He turned to her, all cock-sure swagger and self-satisfaction saying;
“ Now, Love – where were we?”
That’s when she kissed him.