CHAPTER 154 - ARE YOU READY TO DIE?

LONDON
AUGUST 16, 2009
SATURDAY
3:00AM

Giles tossed and turned trying to find sleep, only to find it alluded him, as something disquietingly familiar about Sabrina nagged at his subconscious. Just as he had almost fallen asleep for the umpteenth time that night, it finally came to him clear as a bell, and of it, he had no doubt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6:30AM

‘What time is it? ”Willow asked sleepily, as she felt Kennedy roll away and start to sit up.

“It’s early honey, but I think someone’s knocking on the door.”

“Wha?”

“Someone’s knocking.”

“It’s probably a mistake, maybe they’ll go away,” Willow said, turning over, and pulling Kennedy back down.

“It’s pretty insistent, I’m going to go see who it is,” Kennedy said, getting up.

“I’ll come with you,” Willow said, starting to get up.

“No, you stay in bed,” Kennedy commanded, “If it’s important, I’ll let you know.”

“Kennedy,” Willow started to protest.

“I mean it!” Kennedy said in her most serious no-nonsense voice. She had been sick with worry, knowing what Willow had gone through at the coven, both during the attack, and since. She had every intention of spoiling Willow rotten, for the foreseeable future.

“Okay,” Willow relented, closing her eyes.

Kennedy grabbed her robe, and went downstairs. Someone was still pounding on the door.

“I’m coming! Hold your damn horses!”

She flung open the door, about to give the early morning interloper a piece of her mind, and her not at all shy tongue, when she stopped abruptly. “Giles?”

“Good morning, Kennedy. Could I please speak to Willow?”

“Giles?”

“Yes, it’s me…”

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Of course, it’s…” Giles looked down at his watch. “Oh dear, it is quite early, isn’t it?”

Kennedy nodded, stepping aside to let him in, “So, what’s up?”

“I need to speak to Willow, Kennedy. It’s quite important.”

“Willow’s asleep, can it wait? I’ll make us some tea and you can tell me…”

“I’m up,” Willow said, yawning as she came down the stairs.

“Willow, I’m sorry to have come over so early. It’s just last night, it finally came to me.”

“What came to you.”

“Of course,” Giles said, “I guess I’m not making much sense myself.”

Kennedy walked over, handing Giles and Willow each a cup of tea.

Giles drank down about half of it, before continuing. “What came to me, was who Sabrina really is now. It was right there in front of my eyes the whole time; the way she held herself, the way she called me ‘Rupert’.”

“Who do you think she is, Giles?” Willow asked.

“Ethan.”

“Ethan?”

“Ethan Rayne.”

“Ethan? Band Candy, Ethan?”

“Yes, and Halloween Costume Shop owner Ethan, and turning-me-into-Fyarl-demon-Ethan, and my old chum from my Ripper days Ethan…the one and the same.”

“But how? Why do you think it’s him?”

“Ethan was broken out of jail, as you recall. After I saw you yesterday, Wes called me to tell me that Ethan’s body had been found in a park in Los Angeles. Apparently, a man walking his dog stumbled on it, and he called the police. The newspapers identified him as the escaped convict. Wes called the coroner, and told him that he was family, so he could make a positive ID on him. That’s when they turned over his personal belongings to him,” Giles said, looking triumphant.

Willow looked at him blankly, “And...?”

“Oh, of course!” Giles said, rubbing his hand over his forehead. “I’m sorry, I haven’t had a lot of sleep, well, none to speak of. Ah...where was I? Yes, of course. What do you think Ethan had in his possession?”

“What?”

“A Wolfram & Hart business card!” Giles said, triumphantly.

“But that doesn’t mean for sure…”

“Willow, I don’t know any other sorcerer who would have had the power to
summon demons to go up against the coven like they did, do you? I think that Ethan was broken out of jail, for the express purpose to help facilitate the attack on William and Buffy.”

“Angel knew about the protection spell surrounding them, from you, Willow. Once they found out where William and Buffy were, they needed him to send the coven into disarray for a while, so that Dru and whoever else was with her could get to William; it was a devious, well thought out plan.”

“Okay, I follow you that far, but how does that tie into Sabrina?” Willow asked.

“I think that Ethan knew that once he was finished being used by Angel, he’d be killed. More than likely, he left his physical body behind while he was doing the spell. For one thing, he could invoke the utmost chaos being present himself, and another reason, is that Ethan has always liked to watch the carnage he created. Gives him a feeling of superiority, I suspect.”

“Sabrina running out into the night like she did, just gave him the perfect opportunity and the means to get out of that sticky situation.”

“So, you’re saying that Ethan’s spirit was present in the woods that night, and when Sabrina accidentally ran into him, he just randomly decided to use her body as his new vessel, leaving his old body to die in L.A.?”

“Precisely! Angel’s men seemed to have unceremoniously dumped it, and that’s
how Wes found out he was dead.”

“Poor Sabrina,” Willow said, tearing up.

“Yes, poor Sabrina. Willow, before I confront Ethan in any way, I need you to find out if Sabrina’s spirit is still alive. If it is, perhaps, we can expel Ethan from her body, and rejoin the two. If not, then I won’t have to worry about that.”

“What are you going to do, Giles?” Kennedy asked.

“What I should’ve done years ago. I’m going to have to kill him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LONDON
AUGUST 16, 2009
SATURDAY
1:00AM

“Hello?”

“Kennedy? This is Buffy, is Willow there?”

“Hold on, let me see if she’s awake.”

“Who is it?” Willow whispered.

“It’s Buffy, are you awake?”

Willow nodded, taking the phone. “Buffy, how are things?”

“Oh, somewhere between really sucking and severely sucking, I’d say,” Buffy said, with a harsh laugh, as she leaned against the DeSoto. After what William had said to her, she’d gotten out of bed, pacing the house for a long while, before finally grabbing her cell phone and going outside.

“Oh, Buffy, I’m so sorry. What’s happened, you sound upset?”

“What’s happened? Well, let’s see, first off, I left William all alone on his birthday…”

“What? Why?”

“I didn’t mean to. It’s just...he’s been so distant to me,” Buffy said, trying to compose herself, “every time he learns something new; it just seems to divide us even more. After we talked about yet more ‘stuff’ today, he went to lie down; to get away from me, I suppose.”

“I was just going to get out for a while, go to the store, but then I…I just kept driving, and wound up in San Juan Capistrano. It’s where we went last year on his birthday.”

“Oh, Buffy, I’m sorry.”

“You haven’t even heard the half of it, Will. While I was there, I decided to go to L.A.; to confront Angel, and to kill him. Only, guess what? Once I get there, the Senior Partners tell me that the coven had just taken him into their custody this morning,” she said.

“Oh God, Buffy.”

“How could you not have told me this Willow?” Buffy asked, frustrated anger and pain, bubbling up.

“I only just found out about it myself today, Buffy. I swear I was going to call you tomorrow and let you know about it.”

“How is it that the Senior Partners and the coven are working together? I thought you said that the coven would destroy Angel and Wolfram & Hart, if they messed with William?”

“Um…I may have exaggerated my claim about what they would do, but I needed Angel to believe me, and I did believe that is what would happen. It seems that the Senior Partners and the coven have, what I guess could loosely be called a working relationship, uneasy alliance...or whatever. The Senior Partners don’t dare mess in the affairs of the coven, and the coven looks the other way for some of Wolfram & Hart’s activities.”

“That’s just great.”

“I wasn’t happy to hear about it either, Buffy. Believe me. I had no idea…but I guess that alliances, uneasy as they may be, aren’t totally unavoidable in the world, not even the mystical world.”

“It’s not fair, it should’ve been me that was allowed to deal with him.”

“I know, Buffy.”

“The Senior Partners told me that the coven had removed all his vampiric powers, whatever that means, and that they took him back to Ireland. Why didn’t they just kill him?”

“They won’t kill any creatures if they still have a soul, unless they absolutely have to. It’s a tenet of the coven. I guess he’s still Angel. Now, if Angel had turned back into Angelus, there would be no question.”

“Well, I don’t have that tenet. I would’ve killed him Willow.”

“You sure about that? I’m sort of glad that you didn’t Buffy. I know you have every reason to want to, every reason to do so, but it would still hurt you in the long run.”

“I doubt anything can hurt me more than what’s already happened,” Buffy said, resignedly. “Where did they take him?”

“I don’t know exactly where Buffy. Only Althanea and Caroline are privy to that information.”

“I see,” Buffy said, sighing.

“I really am sorry, Buffy. Does William know what you tried to do?”

“Yeah, he knows. He also asked me about what my past relationship was with Angel, so I told him. Even after…let’s just say, William thinks I slept with the entire vampire population of Sunnydale.”

“NO!”

Buffy laughed mirthlessly, “Yep, that’s me, Buffy the Vampire Layer.”


LONDON
AUGUST 18, 2009
MONDAY
10:00PM

“I’m coming,” Giles said, opening the door to his flat.

“Hey Giles,” Willow said, “sorry to stop by so late.”

“No apology needed, Willow. Besides, think I may have you beat at coming over at an unreasonable hour.”

“So, do you have news?” Giles asked.

“It’s not good. I just got back from spending the day with the coven. We were able to do a séance, using a few of Sabrina’s belongings, which ‘Ethan’ didn’t know were hers when he packed up. But it didn’t matter; her spirit is no longer in this world, Giles. She’s really dead. There’s only her body, being inhabited by Ethan.”

“I’m sorry,” Giles said.

“Yeah, me too. She was a sweet girl, and she had so much potential…God, there’s a word that I’m never going to be able to use on it’s own anymore, is it?”

“I suppose not. I truly am sorry that there’s nothing to be done for poor Sabrina, but it’ll make what I have to do a lot easier.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LONDON
AUGUST 20, 2009
WEDNESDAY
12:30PM

“Is it in place?” Giles asked Willow.

“It will be as soon as you start. If I did it any sooner, she might be able to feel it.”

Giles nodded, “Yes, of course. Did you give them their assignments?”

“Yesterday. They should all be waiting for you in training room #1.”

“And, Angela? She knows what to say?”

“Yes, she does.”

“Did she question it?”

“No, she just went along with it. I told her there was a good reason, and she accepted that.”

“Good, then. Shall we?”

“Ready when you are.”

Willow and Giles stopped in front of the room. “I’ll be watching from the other room, as soon as I see you and Sabrina start to spar, I’ll do the ward.”

Giles nodded, “Here goes.”

“Good luck,” Willow said.

“You, too.”

Giles entered the room, “Good, glad you’re all here. As you know, as part of your training, the use of swords in fighting demons can’t be underestimated. It’s not just about brute slayer strength, but agility, and finesse.”

Giles spoke for a while longer, then reminded them that after they had fenced, they should then go on next door to training room #2, and have a go at boxing, as well.”

“Any questions?”

They all shook their head, except for Angela, who held up her hand.

“Angela?”

“Mr. Giles, I already sparred against you last month. Shouldn’t I be sparring against a new partner? Isn’t that what you spoke of then; of not getting too comfortable with one opponent, because each demon and vampire will be different?”

Giles sighed. “If I didn’t know any better, Angela, I’d think that you didn’t like me as a partner.”

“No, no, it isn’t that at all…”

“I’m just kidding. Angela, you go with Catherine, and…who were you with again?”

Sabrina raised her hand.

“Ah, Sabrina, guess you’ll be ‘stuck’ with the old man.”

“I don’t feel I’m ‘stuck’ at all. It will be an honor to fence with you,” she said, inwardly excited by the prospect of going up against him.

“Why thank you, Sabrina,” Giles said, nodding towards her.

Those not participating yet, all watched the fencing matches, which were generally less than 5 minutes each. With 16 potentials before it came to Giles and Sabrina, it still took less than an hour.

As the room cleared of all others, Giles’ cell phone vibrated, stopped, vibrated again, then one more time, 30-seconds later. It was the signal between him and Willow, to let him know that she’d cast the spell, making the room magic-proof. It would now be all up to him and Ethan, to see who came out on top.

“Which sword do you want to use Ru…I mean Mr. Giles?”

"That's alright, you can call me Rupert, it’s what you’re most comfortable with, isn’t it?” Giles asked, matter-of-factly.

"I guess it is, I was never much one for authority. I believe that any two people should be considered equals, no matter what their rank in society is, don’t you agree?"

Giles smarted from the remark. He’d always tried his hardest to minimize the fact that he’d come from a well-heeled family, who had connections with the Council for many generations. Ethan, on the other hand, had come from the working class, as did Sabrina’s own family. Not that it mattered now.

After his temporary walk on the dark side in his youth, Giles had a career with the Counsel waiting for him. Ethan, on the other hand, had been left to fend for himself. He’d turned to the dark arts, having no intention of going back to his former station in life and becoming a lorry driver, or some other such thing.

Giles walked over to the swords, pretending to look them over. “Sabrina, as I recall from a couple of weeks ago, you were pretty good using these. What do you say we just use the longswords, rather than the epees?”

‘Sabrina’ tingled with excitement, but kept it out of ‘her’ voice. “If you think I’m ready for that, I’ll be glad to give it a go, Rupert.”

Giles nodded, “I do, I think you’re ready,” he said, handing her a sword. “Besides, makes it a bit more real, wouldn’t you say?”

“I would,” Sabrina said, taking the sword, and slicing through the air with it, to get the feel of it. Rupert didn’t know what he was in for.

Giles, started to put on his fencing mask, then decided against it. If he was going to kill Ethan, he wanted him to fully see his face, as he did.

Sabrina looked over at Giles, the tingling sensation growing ever stronger, as she saw what he’d done.

“You’re really not afraid at all, are you?” she asked, admiringly.

“Just know I can handle myself,” Giles said, “En garde!”

“En garde!” Sabrina returned, advancing towards Giles quicker than he'd anticipated.

“Should’ve known.”

“What’s that?”

“That you’d give no quarter.”

“Was I supposed to?” Sabrina asked, again advancing, and catching Giles in the arm.

Giles registered surprise for only half a second, before regaining the advantage and a cut, which itself drew blood.

Sabrina looked at her shoulder, and a slow smirk came to her. “I see you give no quarter either.”

“That would be disingenuous of me, wouldn’t you say, Ethan?” Giles asked, his eyes cold as he advanced.

Sabrina laughed as she backed away from his advance, on the defensive. “Should’ve known you’d catch on quickly.”

“Especially, when you took to calling me Rupert; that and your handiwork was all over the attack on the coven.”

Ethan, in lithe Sabrina’s body, feigned right, and got behind Giles. Just in time, he turned, to defend himself from the sword aimed at his heart.

"Always were a dirty fighter, Ethan.”

“For your information, Rupert. I didn’t have much choice in the manner this time. Angel and his lackeys would’ve killed me, as soon as I’d finished the job.”

“So you just decided to kill an innocent girl in the process?”

“It was kill or be killed, what would you have done?”

“I wouldn’t have killed her.”

“You’re so sure about that, are you? Then again, you’ve always been full of your own good intentions, haven’t you? But I know what you really are, don’t I?”

Giles stopped and looked at her. He could clearly see Ethan’s old anger in Sabrina’s eyes.

“You do know me, Ethan. You probably knew a part of me better than anyone ever did. But what you never took into account, is that it wasn’t the only part. Yes, I erred; yes I did evil myself, but not for a long time, and not without guilt, which I still carry with me to this day. I didn’t enjoy it, and gaining that sort of power holds no allure for me, not like it does for you.”

“That’s right,” Sabrina said, viciously swinging the sword with all her might, fueled by Ethan’s anger, “give me your self-righteous speeches again. Ethan is only out for himself, while Rupert is out for the good of mankind; sing me another one."

Sabrina veered off to one side, and stopped suddenly, his hands up in the air in supplication, “Janus, I call upon your spirit. Heed my plea. Make my old nemesis helpless against my sword,” Ethan paused, waiting to feel the old power surging through his veins. Curiously, he felt nothing. Again, he started to invoke Janus.

“Won’t do you any good. There’s an anti-magic ward on this room. It’s just you and me, Ethan - fair and square.”

“You bastard!”

“That’s right, Ethan. I’m a bastard. The bastard, in fact, who is going to take you down, once and for all.”

“We’ll see about that.”

“We shall. It’s just you and me, so what do you say we just get on with it?”

“You willing to die to settle this once and for all?”

“I am. Only I’m not the one who’s going to die, Ethan. You are.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, old man, looks like it’s your call,” Ethan said, lying on the floor at Giles’ feet. They had fought with all they had for over 15 minutes, each wounding the other numerous times, until finally, ‘Sabrina,’ had fallen backwards over the edge of the mat. Giles quickly kicked the sword out of her hand.

“You ready to die?” Giles asked.

“You ready to kill me? To be a cold-hearted murderer?”

Giles looked down on the small figure of Sabrina, and reminded himself once more, that it wasn’t her in any way or shape, only form. If he didn’t kill her, he would only live to regret it, as Ethan would use his power to hurt those Giles cared about.

“You give me no choice,” Giles said, plunging the sword into Ethan’s heart.

Ethan’s eyes widened in surprise, as he looked up at Rupert’s face.

“I’m sorry,” Giles said.

“Figures,” Ethan said smiling wryly, then closed his eyes for the last time.

“Good-bye old friend,” Giles said, knees buckling, as he slid down the wall next to him.

“Giles!” Willow said, running into the room.

“I’m okay,” he replied weakly. “I’m okay.”

END CHAPTER 154

CHAPTER 155 - DEFEATED

JULIAN
FRIDAY
AUGUST 22, 2009
10:00AM

“I’m going now, I’ll be back around 2pm, or if the meeting ends sooner. You want anything while I’m out?” Buffy asked.

William shook his head.

“I’m off then,” she said, hurrying out the door.

There was a meeting at school she hadn’t planned on being in town for, but since she was, going was preferable to staying at home, where the two predominant emotions seemed to be anger and despair.

If asked, she planned on saying that they’d come back early, ‘Why yes, we had a great time, but the cabin had previously been rented out the following week, so that’s why we came back early.’ Lame. Or, ‘Why yes, we had a great time, but we forgot that William had a dentist appointment that we made months ago, and you know how long it takes to get one of those!’ Lamer.

Anything, but the truth. Anything other than that their life was falling apart, or the fact that there was so much pain between them that they could barely stand to be in the same room with each other. Anything, than that they no longer slept in the same bed, no longer talked, or touched, or…

Buffy sighed; it wouldn’t do her any good to be thinking about any of this, while in the middle of a meeting at school. The last thing she needed to do was to break down in front of Mrs. Carpello, and the rest of the teachers.

“I can do this!” she told herself. “I can do this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William watched from off to the side of the window, as Elizabeth’s car drove off.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, as she drove out of sight. He had said it to her in his mind dozens of times, ever since that night, when he’d asked her what the hell was wrong with her. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. He’d felt the bed shake with her silent tears, but he’d been too full of his own righteousness at the time, to apologize. A while later, he heard her get out of bed, and while debating whether or not to go to her, sleep had overtaken him. The next morning, he found her asleep on the couch.

After that, Elizabeth had withdrawn, only talking to him, or doing for him what needed to be done. William accepted it, as his punishment for the way he’d talked to her, especially, right after being intimate with her for the first time since everything had happened.

He’d taken up residence on the couch after that; no need for her to be the one out in the living room, and that’s where it now stood.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, then thought better of it. Why should he be sorry? After all, she had lied to him for over a year. He may not have asked to be turned into a vampire, but he sure hadn’t asked to come back either, and then lied to. Besides, maybe she had a ‘thing’ for vampires. Maybe that’s why she’d slept with him, when he’d been Spike, and that bastard Angel. Maybe she liked a little monster in her man. A slayer thing, perhaps.

As he recalled the rough sex play they’d had in the barn after they’d sparred, he felt both aroused and ashamed for them both. Had the fighting between them, lead to rough sex when he’d been a vampire? What about when she’d fought other vampires? Did she get off on the danger of the situation?

He shook his head, “That can’t be all of it, it can’t!” he said, remembering many more memories of the past year of tenderness, as well as passion.

William’s mind railed between sorrow for both of them and self-pity. One part of him wanted to apologize profusely, and to beg her to take him into her arms; to forgive him. Yet the other part was sickened by the thought that she could’ve had sex with something as evil and disgusting as a vampire, even if one of them had been him.

He paced the house restlessly, arguing with himself, until he finally came to the door of the spare bedroom. He opened it, and looked inside.

William nodded, having suddenly decided something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Elizabeth!” Mrs. Carpello called, almost as soon as Buffy had walked in. “I thought you and William were still on vacation.”

Buffy put on the best smile she could muster, “We were, but we came back early. Dawn had forgotten that she had to sign up for classes on the 20th, and William had a dental appointment that he had, and you know how long it takes to get into the dentist, and…”

“Oh, I see. That’s too bad. Did you have a good time?”

“What? Oh, yes. It was great, just…great,” Buffy said.

She started to walk off to go into the meeting room.

“Elizabeth?”

Buffy turned around.

“Was everything okay that night?”

“That night?” Buffy asked, her face paling, as she was taken aback. In all that had happened, she’d totally forgotten that she’d run out of here, like the house had been on fire. In a sense, it had been.

“Uh…yeah. Everything was fine, just a ‘minor’ crisis,” she said, smiling.

“Well, good. I was worried about you, and William.”

“No need. We’re good. Sorry about that…”

Mrs. Carpello shook her head, “No apology necessary, I knew you must have had a good reason.”

Buffy nodded; her eyes not meeting Mrs. Carpello’s, “Thanks, think I’ll say hello to the others now, before the meeting starts.”

“Sure, I’ll see you in there in a couple of minutes,” she said. She watched as Elizabeth walked down the hall, a feeling that something was terribly ‘off’ with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2:00PM

“Elizabeth,” Mrs. Carpello called, as Buffy was walking out after the meeting. “I just wanted to let William know, that if he has any time before school starts, I’d sure appreciate it if he could come and do a bit of work for us.”

Buffy hesitated for a fraction of a second. “I’ll let him know. I’m not sure what his schedule is like, but I’ll let him know.”

“Thanks,” Mrs. Carpello said, again wondering what was up with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2:15PM

Buffy pulled up in front of the house. She was relieved to see that the DeSoto was still there. Not that William had taken any interest in going anywhere, since everything had happened, but still. Maybe it was just the fact that she was retracing her steps like she had that night, coming from the school…

The house was quiet when she walked in. She looked over to the couch, half expecting to see him napping, like he seemed to do a lot these days, throughout the day, and immediately saw that his pillows and blanket weren’t there.

Her heart dared to flutter just a bit, at the thought that he’d moved his things back into their bedroom. Just as she was thinking that, she noticed the door to the spare bedroom open, and heard the sound of things being shuffled around.

Buffy walked over to the door, and pushed it open. William was in the middle of moving things around in there. The boxes that had been in front of the steps to the annex, had been moved off to the side, and she could see some of his things were now on the floor in there. She looked over to the bed, and saw his pillow and blanket there.

William looked up then and saw her.

“What are you doing?”

‘I’m being an idiot!’ is what he wanted to tell her, as he saw the pain in her eyes.

Instead, he shrugged, looking away, “I thought this might be best for now. If it’s alright with you, that is?”

Was he giving her a say in this?

“If it’s alright with me?” she echoed.

“Um…yeah, if I use the spare bedroom...for myself.”

“To sleep in?”

He faced her, “Yes,” he said, after a pause.

“It’s your house, do whatever you want,” she said, and turned and fled from the room.

William closed his eyes, and grabbed the edge of the dresser with his hands. He heard her banging about in the kitchen, then the opening and slamming of the back door, followed by the sound of her car pealing out of the drive.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. The momentum and temporary good feeling of having made a decision was now gone, just like Elizabeth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6:00PM

“I swear, I’m going to kick his ass!” Dawn said, as she sat next to Buffy on the couch. Buffy had driven up to L.A. and cried on Dawn and John’s shoulder for the better part of the day; well, at least after they both got home late in the afternoon.

“I’m going to call him!”

“No, don’t. There’s nothing you can do, Dawn. He…he just doesn’t want me anymore.”

“That’s not true! You know he loves you, he’s just confused.”

“I don’t know anymore, Dawn. He seems pretty sure about what he’s doing as far as I’m concerned.”

“Didn’t you say that he was so happy to see you when you came back that night? That he was upset? That doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t love you.”

“He was just still…weak. There was a thunderstorm, and the electricity was out, he was just scared, that’s all. He doesn’t want me Dawn, he thinks I’m a bad person.”

John walked in from the kitchen. “Bullshit!”

Dawn and Buffy looked at him, shocked.

“Yeah, that’s right, I said bullshit! Elizabeth, how can you even think that William would think you were a bad person? Because you tried to spare him the pain of finding out what he did in another life, while you helped him become a functional person in this one; a world that he didn’t know anything about? Or he thinks you’re a bad person because you had lovers before him? I don’t believe for a minute that William thinks that way!”

“You haven’t heard what he’s said to me, John,” Buffy said, her head down.

“I don’t care what he’s said, he’s just…full of shit right now, he’s upset, confused. He still needs you.”

“I know.”

“He still loves you.”

She shrugged, “Maybe as a friend. Maybe.”

John knelt down in front of her, “He does, Elizabeth. There’s no way he could love you like he did, like we could all see that he did, and just turn that off. He’s just confused in a thousand different ways. Who wouldn’t be?”

Buffy looked up at him, tears running down her face.

He handed her a tissue, and Dawn, too, who he heard sniffle. “Go home, Elizabeth. Even if he’s moved into the other room for a little while, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just needs some space, while he sorts himself out. Think of it like the grieving process. Each person is different in how long it takes them to work it out. This has been like a death to William; the death of what he thought knew about everything, especially himself.”

“Maybe.”

“It’s true,” John said, giving her a hand up off the couch. He handed Buffy her purse and keys.

“You kicking me out?”

“You’ll thank me in the morning,” he said, smiling, and kissed her on the cheek.

“And you tell William I’m going to kick his ass, if he doesn’t straighten up soon,” Dawn added.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9:00PM

Buffy felt a bit better, as she drove home, thinking of what John had said. She would just try to act as ‘normal’ as possible around William.

Buffy let herself in the back door the lights were out in the rest of the house. There was a note on the table. It read:

Elizabeth,

Gone to bed. There’s some soup and a grilled cheese on the stove.

William

Buffy walked over to the stove, and looked at the burned remains of the soup in the pot. She turned off the heat, and put the pan in the sink. The grilled cheese didn’t look too appealing either, and she reluctantly threw it away, after taking a bite of the hardened bread and cheese.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William had sat in the living room waiting for Elizabeth to return all evening. Around dinnertime, he’d made them some soup, somehow finding the strength to pull open the pull-up lid, with one hand, while holding the can against his body.

He’d told himself, that if she came home by dinnertime, that he would apologize - for everything, that he’d ask her forgiveness, ask to be let back into both her heart and their bedroom. If only she’d come home.

He watched the clock, then finally, at 7, had put the food back in the pans, turned them on low, and wrote Elizabeth a note.

Defeated, he went to ‘his’ room, and got ready for bed. Nothing interested him in the waking world anymore, sleep being his only respite.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Defeated, Buffy went to ‘her’ room, and got ready for bed. It was easy for John to say that William still loved her, a lot harder to believe as she lay there alone, and lonely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William hadn’t been able to sleep, he’d tossed and turned, but wasn’t physically tired, since he’d already napped earlier.

He’d heard her car, when she’d drove up, heard her in the kitchen, and now heard the sounds of her muffled crying in the next room.

Buffy went into the bathroom finally, to get some tissue, and to splash some water on her face. As soon as she walked in, she heard it, the sound of William crying in the other bedroom. She put her hand on the doorknob, and held onto it, all the while debating whether or not to go to him. She let it go. He’d made his choice, to be alone in his sorrow, rather than to be with her.

END CHAPTER 155


O.N.L. CONT. CH. 150 - 159 SPIKEALICIOUS.COM
 

CHAPTER 156 - WITH OR WITHOUT YOU

JULIAN
SEPTEMBER 2, 2009
MONDAY
3:00AM
William sat alone up in the annex. By candlelight and by the light of the stars that shone in from the skylight, he looked at the sketches he'd made of Dru, Angel, and Darla all those years ago, trying to reconcile the knowledge that they had been his family for decades. They had been his murderous companions, partners, and paramour, in unspeakable monstrosity.
When he couldn't stand to look at their images anymore, he took out the drawings he'd made of Elizabeth, from the first time she'd said he brought her here. His heart ached as he looked at the beautiful images of her, some with her wearing nothing but the lovebird necklace. All the while, the real woman was alone, sleeping by herself, and William was left to feel like a voyeur in someone else's life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:00am

Buffy applied the finishing touches to her makeup, then went into the kitchen. As she was pouring herself a cup of coffee, she heard the water running in the bathroom. Walking over to the kitchen doorway, she looked back expectantly towards the living room, and to William's bedroom door.

For some reason, she'd thought maybe this morning he would've gotten up to see her off, this being her first day back to work. She'd half expected him to bring her a cup of coffee while she was in the bathroom like he used to, as part of their morning routine.

"Guess not," she said, sighing, and went back into the kitchen to get ready to leave
.
"See you later, William," she whispered, as she let herself out the back door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPTEMBER 13, 2009
SATURDAY
9:00AM

For the past couple of weeks, William had taken to sleeping all day, sometimes only waking after she’d already had dinner. Usually, after she’d settled down to grade the day’s school papers, he would awaken, and disheveled, make his way into the kitchen to eat whatever leftovers she’d saved for him.

Communication was down to a bare minimum, only an acknowlegement of passing each other in the same room, or a one to two word answer to a question.

Earlier in the week, she’d been asked again by Mrs. Carpello, as to if William might possibly do some work around the school. She’d lied and told her that he was too busy with his own school work, and work, and that he sent his apologies. She didn’t think that Mrs. Carpello believed her.

What else could she tell her; that William right now had no interest in anything or anybody?
Right before Labor Day, she’d received a phone call from Dr. Wittman, who’d gotten her number from William’s employment sheet. He’d wanted to talk to William about coming back to work, but when she’d tried to give him the phone, he shook his head. She’d insisted, putting it into his hand, "Talk to him," she’d hissed. She’d left the room, but had managed to hear him tell Dr. Wittman, that he was sorry, but that he wouldn’t be going back to school, or to work for him.

"What are you going to do with yourself?" she’d asked him, walking back into the room.

He shrugged, looking up at her, "I don’t know. What do other former vampires, turned back into men in another century do with themselves?"

"I don’t know, never knew any other ones. Maybe they just sit around feeling sorry for themselves," she’d yelled, "or they can get the hell on with their lives!"

She waited to hear him throw something, yell at her, anything. Anything would’ve been better than him just doing nothing, but he hadn’t. Just sat there like before.

Buffy had wanted to scream at him, shake him until his head rattled, throw her arms around him, and make him see what he was doing to himself, but instead, she had just left the room. He had already left it, so it would appear.

There had also been a recent voice mail message from Edna, who was wondering when she was going to see her ‘favorite couple’ again. It hurt her to hear Edna’s voice, and to remember how connected their lives were to hers.

Buffy didn’t call her back.

She had stopped by a few times to see Clem on her way home, but there was an awkwardness between them now, which had never been there before. Buffy could tell that Clem still smarted from William’s rejection of him, but still offered his help, if she ever needed him. She’d thanked him, and on another day brought him over some baked goods from Dudley’s as a sort of peace offering, which he’d accepted gratefully. Still, the spontaneity of just being able to call or stop by whenever either chose to was gone, and the relationship felt strained.

Buffy soon stopped dropping by, thinking it would just be a painful reminder to him, of what he had lost, too.

Then there were the calls from Willow, and Dawn, and even Xander. Xander had tried to convince her to let him talk to William, but he had been sleeping when he’d called, and she didn’t want to wake him up. She also didn’t want to fight with William to try to get him to take the phone, and have Xander hear that.

She just started to let the voice mail pick up everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But by far, the weekends were the hardest for Buffy to take.

When she’d lived in the house for the previous five years, being alone is something that she’d gotten used to, hadn’t even minded, after a while. The house had been Spike’s, as she had been, and her living here had fit, helped her heal. And here, she could talk to Spike still. She’d still felt his love in this house.

But now she’d never felt so lonely as being here with him; just mere feet away, yet he might as well have been on the other side of the world.. It was like living in a morgue, an emotional one in any case. Now there was this disjointed, quality about their lives, which made it seem like he’d been more alive to her when he’d been dead.

She used to love to spend the weekends at home with him, but now being there felt like Chinese water torture...a bit of her dying, bit by bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William couldn’t sleep with her, nor sleep at night in the other bed without her, and so he wandered through the house at night, keeping some sort of watch over her. He would sometimes stand by her door, his ear pressed up against it, just so he could listen to the sounds of her breathing. In want and need, his body and soul would ache for her, to be able to take her in his arms, kiss her, make love to her, as he stood just feet away. But he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve her.

It was only as morning approached that William would feel at ease enough to lie down. There would be no more creatures of the night to worry about for now, no more sounds that set his skin crawling, no more things that went bump in the night. So, he would pretend to be asleep, as he listened to Elizabeth awaken, take her shower, and get ready for school. Finally, after hearing her car leave, he would try to sleep. Though, that was at best, hit or miss.

Often, he’d toss and turn until finally, he’d get up, and cross through their adjoining bathroom, into ‘her’ bedroom. Lying down in ‘his’ spot; he’d set the second alarm so it would awaken him before she got home. Then, hugging her pillows, comforted by her smell, he would finally sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
MONDAY
2:00AM

Buffy tossed and turned, as the same old dream returned to haunt her once more.

"No, you've done enough Spike, you can still..." she said, desperately looking for a way to spare him this fate.

He shook his head, "No, you beat 'em back, it's for me to do the cleanup."

She heard the explosive sounds as the walls of The Hellmouth started to crumble around her. Reaching out to Spike, she entwined her fingers with his for a last time.

Buffy awoke, heart pounding to the sound of a loud crash from above.

She slipped out of bed, and walked through the bathroom into William's room. His bed was empty, but the closet door leading to the annex was open. Looking up the stairs, she could see a faint light coming from above. Quietly, she climbed the stairs.

William was bent over, picking up old tubes of paints and charcoal, which had fallen out of a carton which had been stored up there for years. Also, scattered around him, and lying open were the sketchbooks, containing the drawings he'd made of her and him years ago.
Tentatively, she walked over to him, and knelt down in front of him.

He looked up, shocked to see her there. "Elizabeth, what are you...? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...it fell, I'm sorry."

Hesitantly, she reached out to touch his hand, still busy picking up the tubes, "It's okay," she said softly, looking into his eyes.

Her touch, so soft and warm, sent shivers through him. Quickly, he pulled his hand away.
Buffy sighed, looking at the pictures next to him, "They're beautiful, aren't they?"

He nodded, his eyes drawn to them, despite being embarrassed to have her find him here with them.

"It's because the man who drew them did so with such love in his heart, they couldn't help but turn out beautiful."

"You mean the monster?" William scoffed, his voice sounding harsh in the quiet of the attic.

She looked at him sadly, "A monster didn't draw these, the man inside who was always there did; you did."

He shook his head, "No, they’re only beautiful because the subject matter...because you are," he said his voice so soft she barely could hear him.

"You think I'm beautiful?" she asked, pausing as she dared to look at him; a bit of hope written on her face.

He looked up at her, into her liquid hazel green eyes, and felt himself falling into them, "Always," he said, his voice low, pained with yearning.

"William," she whispered his name, as she slowly reached toward him.

"Don’t," he said, suddenly backing away, "I can’t do this."

"Why?" Buffy pleaded. "Talk to me! Please!"

He shook his head, his arms going around himself in a protective hug, "I can’t. I just can’t!"
William saw the unfathomable pain in her eyes, as she rose and ran from the room, and down the stairs.

"I’m sorry," he whispered to the room now gone cold without her warmth, his heart breaking all the more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
MONDAY
7:30AM

Buffy had called Mrs. Carpello that morning, asking if she would meet her there before anyone else arrived. She was at her desk, when Buffy walked in.

"Hi, thanks for meeting with me," Buffy said.

"Sit down," Mrs. Carpello motioned her to the chair, and pushed a coffee towards her she'd picked up on the way. "What's up, you sounded serious."

Buffy took a grateful sip of coffee, followed by a deep sigh, "I need some time off."

"I see," Mrs. Carpello said, meeting Buffy's gaze and holding it, "when?"

"Now."

"Now?"

Buffy nodded, "Yeah, I'm really, really sorry to spring this on you like this. I've been trying to deal with...these things and it's just...it's only getting worse. I can't...I can't..." Buffy struggled to get the right words out, but found herself getting choked up instead.

"It's alright," Mrs. Carpello said, patting her hand across the table. "Is it about William?"
Buffy nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I thought as much. We've all been concerned for you lately."

"You have?" Buffy asked, taken aback. "I thought...I tried not to let anything show. I didn't want to burden anyone with stuff that's going on in my personal life. I tried to just come in and do my job, be there for the students..."

"You have been, dear. It's not about the quality of your teaching that we've been concerned. It's just that you've seemed so unhappy. Especially, when compared to how happy you seemed last year, after you found William again. What's the matter with him anyway?" she asked, angry all of a sudden. "I realize that losing one’s memory, and all that entails must be very tricky, but still..."

"It's complicated, he's...he's confused right now."

"Doesn't William realize what he has in you? How much you love him?"

"Apparently not," Buffy said, with a hollow laugh.

Mrs. Carpello just shook her head; "Men!" she declared. "They're idiots half the time, and children the other half. No wonder...oh nevermind. How much time do you need off?"
Buffy looked at her gratefully; "I'm not sure. Could I have...the rest of the week?"

Mrs. Carpello nodded, "If you can work it out with Lily, and put together the lesson plans for the rest of the week, then I'll agree. But you have to promise me something."

"Of course," Buffy said, relieved, "what?"

"Just don't quit on me all of a sudden, okay?"

"I won't. I wouldn't just do that without giving you fair notice."

"Alright then," she said as she stood up, "go get your stuff together and I'll get a hold of Lily for you."

"Thank you," Buffy said gratefully.

"Elizabeth?"

Buffy stopped and looked back at Mrs. Carpello, waiting.

"Good luck. I hope it works out for you; for both of you."

"Me, too," she said in a small voice. "Me, too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10:30AM

William stirred awake to the sounds of drawers opening and closing, not so quietly, in the next room. Confused, he looked at the clock. Why was he hearing noises at this hour of the morning, when Elizabeth should be at school? His heart started pounding, as he imagined what else might possibly be in the house with him. However, the more he listened, the more he knew by sound; that it was her.

Still, concerned as to why she was home on a school day, he got up. He came out into the living room, then stopped as he saw the suitcase outside her bedroom door.

Buffy walked out of her bedroom, and saw him. She nodded to him, then continued with what she was doing.

William followed her out to the kitchen, as she took a box of tea she preferred out of the cupboard, along with her to-go mug, and put them into a small bag. She put it on the floor by the back door.

"Excuse me," she said, as she walked past him back into the living room, picked up her suitcase and carried it to the back door as well.

She started to walk past him once more, when his hand grabbed her arm. She stopped and looked at him, her resolve almost wavering upon seeing the confusion and hurt in his eyes.
"Wh...where are you going?"

"To Dawn’s."

"Don’t you...don’t you have work?" he asked, not understanding why she would be going at the beginning of the week.

"I took some time off," she said, looking at his hand, "may I?"

He released her arm, then followed her, as she went through the bedroom, and into the bathroom, gathering up her toiletries.

"When are you coming back?" he asked, his voice starting to show the strain.

"I don’t know," she said, "does it matter to you?"

"Does it matter... what do you mean?" he asked, stammering.

"It’s a simple, direct question William. Does it matter to you, when I come back? Does it matter to you that I’m even leaving?"

He leaned back against the doorframe, staring at her, then looked down.

She nodded slightly, swallowing down the lump in her throat, and started throwing stuff into her makeup bag. She angrily swiped at her eyes, sniffling.

She brushed past him, and went out to the kitchen.

He stood there, until he heard the back door being opened, then bolted out of the bedroom.
"Elizabeth!"

She was on the porch, walking back into the kitchen to get the last bag, when she heard him call out her name.

He stood there uncertain, as she walked in, wanting to go to her.

Buffy stood in the doorway waiting, hoping he would say something, anything to make her change her mind, but he didn’t.

A voice in William’s head screamed out to him, ‘Say something, do something before this goes any further, before she leaves you!’ but he stood there mute, unable to change the inevitable.

Finally, she blinked. Sadly, she walked over to him, and stood directly before him. Reaching up, she touched his face, "I love you. You know that, don’t you?"

He nodded his head, afraid to speak, but not shying away from her touch, either.
"But I can’t live like this, not after what we had," she continued, letting go of him, "you’re not happy with me anymore, you won’t talk to me, you barely can stand to look at me, you won’t touch me..."

"Shhh," he said, putting his arms over her shoulders, and his head down next to hers. "Don’t. ‘S not you. It’s me, I just can’t..."

"I know...but it isn’t just you William. It is me! It’s just so...its all messed up right now, isn’t it?"

He nodded into her hair, closing his eyes as he took in the smell and feel of her, committing it to memory.

"I know you promised that you’d never leave me, but don’t you see? You’ve already left me in every other way. You’re here physically, but you’re not here in any other way. That’s why I’m leaving for a while, so you can decide what you want from yourself, as well as from me. Decide what you want from us, if there still is an us."

Gently, she pulled away from him. He held on for another moment, before letting her go.
"I told myself, when I found out that you were alive that no matter what, I’d be there for you, even if you didn’t love me anymore. That still stands."

"I don’t think I can wear these right now," she said, taking off her ring, and then her lovebird necklace, undoing the triple latches that had held them securely next to her heart for all these years. She held them out to him.

He shook his head, so she placed them on the table, "It’s for the best for now, don’t you think?"

William didn’t answer her.

Buffy kissed him gently on the cheek before walking to the back door again; "You’ve got Dawn’s numbers, and Johns, I think, right?"

He could only numbly nod, as he looked at her, his pupils large.

"Goodbye...William," Buffy said softly, as she picked up her suitcase and went out the backdoor. He stood there listening until he heard her car start, and the sound of it driving away.

Slowly he turned and looked down at the ring and the necklace on the table. Slumping into the nearest chair, he clutched them to his chest.

END CHAPTER 156

CHAPTER 157 - WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?

SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
MONDAY
2:00PM

“Maybe she’s not coming after all,” Dawn said, getting up to once again look out at the parking lot of her apartment.”

“I don’t know Dawn, she sounded pretty serious when I talked to her yesterday,” John said.

"Yeah, I know. She sounded pretty serious to me, too. You think she’s making a mistake.”

“I don’t know. Maybe if William knows that she’s serious, he’ll get his act together. Sometimes that’s what it takes for someone to realize what they have, and what they’re about to lose.”

“I hope so, I really...Oh, she's here," Dawn said, as she spotted Buffy’s car turning in from the road.

"I guess that answers your question," John said, he said as he joined her at the window, his hand reassuringly on the small of her back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Coming through!" a man called, just as Buffy reached the main entryway.

Buffy stepped aside, as two men carrying a couch came down the stairs of the apartment building. The door stood open, a folding chair wedged between the handle and the ground to hold it open. After letting them pass, she walked to Dawn's apartment.

Dawn and John stood there in the open doorway, as she walked up.

"I'm here guys," she said, her voice trying to sound cheery.

Dawn just nodded, putting her arms out to her. Buffy's facade crumpled, as she came into her embrace. "I left him Dawn, I really left William; I can't believe..." she whispered.

"I know," Dawn replied, trying to be strong for her.

John put his arms around them both; "It's going to be alright."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPTEMBER 23, 2009
TUESDAY
1:00AM
JULIAN

William lost all sense of time. The day wore on, evening turned to night, and night, gave way to dawn. Still, he sat at the table; Elizabeth’s necklace and ring still clutched in his hand.

How could he have let her go, he asked himself again and again? How could he let her think that he didn’t love her anymore? Why didn’t he protest when she’d said that he didn’t want her anymore?

He glanced up at the back door, imagining her still standing there, imagining him bravely going to her, and taking her in his arms, kissing away her doubts and his fears. Imagined him showing her how much he loved her; more than life itself, more than anything.

Finally, he rose stiffly from the chair, and went into her bedroom, as if to confirm for himself that she really wasn’t there, noticing the bare hangers. Walking into the bathroom, it seemed so empty in there, with most traces of her everyday items also missing.

Everything seemed empty without her, most of all him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPTEMBER 26, 2009
FRIDAY
2:00AM
LOS ANGELES

Buffy tossed and turned, glancing at the clock again, trying to imagine what William was doing, what he was going through. Dawn had taken the first two days off in order to be with her. Of course, they did what they always did when they were upset; they went shopping, to the movies, out to eat, shopping again. The malls had been a good distraction, and for a while, she felt a bit better, almost normal. Those feelings were short lived, however, and not even 2 pair of new shoes, expensive pair designer jeans, and sinfully, calorie rich, double-mocha cappuccinos from Gloria Jeans, and her favorite Mexican foods were going to make it all better.

She had half-heartedly looked called some of the local schools about interviews, but didn’t pursue it, or even bother to call back the one school that had seemed interested.

With a sigh, she got up, and for the umpteenth time, looked at her cell phone, to make sure it was charging, but still able to receive calls. Although it didn’t say she’d missed any calls, she dialed her voice mail anyway.

“You have 9 saved voice mails, to listen to your saved voice mails, please press 1, for other options, please press 2.”

Buffy went through the old voice mails; they were most recently from the past couple of weeks. She deleted them, until she came to the last one, surprised that it was an old one from William, on the day before they were going to leave for Fuller’s.

“Elizabeth, I don’t know if you’ll get this, but just wanted to tell you that I’m going to try to come by the school at lunch time, after I get the car checked out. Clem doesn’t think it’s anything major. I’ll do the last bit of laundry later this evening. That’s all I wanted to say...oh yeah, do you know where my water shoes are? Okay luv, hopefully I’ll see you around noon.”

Buffy pressed 1 a few more times, just to hear his voice again; a voice not filled with pain, or self-loathing, or terror.

Disconnecting from voice mail, she debated with herself a whole 2 seconds, before calling his cell phone.

“Come on William, answer the phone! I know you’re not sleeping,” she said, as it rang.

Her pulse quickened, as she heard it pick up.

“Hi, its William...leave a message, I’ll get back to you.”

Beep

Disappointment coursed through her in rhythm with her pounding heart. She hesitated a moment, before speaking; "Hey, it's me. It's the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep; I know you're awake, too. I was hoping you'd turned your phone on, but I guess not. I just wanted to see how you were and to...I miss you, William! How did we go from everything being so good, to this? I know you're suffering, but you have me, all you have to do is reach out, let me help you, let me love you still. Is it selfish of me to want that back, after everything? If that's the case, then I'm selfish. I want it back, William, I want us back. I'm sorry I lied to protect you, I'm sorry you're dealing with things I can't even imagine, about things that you don't remember, I'm sorry it's so hard on you, but I'm not sorry I love you, and I hope you're not sorry you loved me either. I just want to come home, want us to work this out, start again, start..."

Beep

To erase this message and start over, press 5, to send this message press 1, or hang up...

Buffy pressed 5, and hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The days since she left blended into one another without distinction. William barely slept or ate; instead, keeping vigil mostly in her bedroom, or in the upstairs annex.

He was upstairs in the annex when the phone ring, but wasn't sure if he'd been dreaming or not. Sleep deprivation was starting to play tricks with his mind. By the time he came down from the annex to look for it, it had stopped. He found his phone on the desk, in its charger. There was no message, but it showed that he'd missed a call from Elizabeth.

He picked up the phone and called the first half of her numbers before he stopped, and pressed end. He picked it up again, rationalizing that it could be important, or that she could need him, be hurt.

His heart pounded as her phone rang.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was still sitting on the edge of the bed with the phone in her hand. She jumped when it started to vibrate first, then ring.

"Hello?"

"It's me," he said after a pause, as the sound of her soft voice washed over him.

"I called."

"I know, I was upstairs...I saw your number," he whispered, his voice sounding strange in his own ears; dry and scratchy from disuse.

"I figured you'd be awake.”

The silence stretched between them awkwardly until he broke it; "Are you okay?"

"Not really, think I’ll have to go with a ‘no’ on that. "

"What's wrong?" he asked, suddenly alert.

"This! This is what's wrong William. Me being here, instead of there; you being there by yourself, that's what's wrong."

"I know," he said, as he looked at a picture of them from last Christmas Eve dinner at The Rittenhouse on the desk. His fingers gently drew the outline of her face, staring back at him from the picture. She looked so happy there with her friends, and leaning into him. "It feels that way to me, too."

The seconds passed, as they listened to each other breathe across the telephone lines.

“Come home...this is your home,” he said softly.

She closed her eyes, blinking back grateful tears, “I’ll be home tomorrow evening,” she said.

“G’night, Elizabeth.”

“Good night, William,” she said, hanging up. She let out a breath, she hadn’t even been aware she’d been holding. “Thank you,” she said to any higher being that might have interceded on her behalf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

William remained at the desk, staring at the picture, after they’d hung up. His eyes wandered down to the pretty green top Elizabeth had worn. His pulse quickening, as he remembered how turned on he’d been all night seeing her in that and how after everyone was gone, they’d made love on the couch and in front of the fireplace. Unconsciously, his hand rubbed across the front of his sweats, over his erection. She was coming home tomorrow, maybe...

He continued daydreaming about that evening, how afterwards they’d gone to Christmas Eve Services, how...

He stopped suddenly, and stood up from the desk, angrily kicking at the chair, before beginning to pace.

“Think Father Michael would welcome you now, if he knew you’d been a mass murdering vampire? A demon?” William’s voice rose with anger, and frustration. “I’m surprised the church didn’t shake and tremble when you arrived! Bloody joke you being there, singing, praying...belonging.”

Belonging.

As suddenly as it begun, his pacing stopped; “Where do you fit in?” he asked himself, but received no answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPTEMBER 26, 2009
FRIDAY
8:30AM
LOS ANGELES

“Good Morning,” John said, as he walked into the kitchen.

“Good Morning,” Buffy said, smiling at him, then turned back to flip some pancakes she was cooking.

He looked at her curiously, “You’re rather chipper today. And up early, I might add.”

“Well, just thought I’d get my butt out of bed early for a change, help out a bit, and...” she said, deadpan, “it shows, huh?”

“What’s up?” John asked, noticing the sparkle in her eyes.

“I called William last night, he didn’t answer, but then he called me back in a few minutes. He told me to come home,” she said, smiling triumphantly.

“Buffy, that’s wonderful,” John said, walking over to her and giving her a hug. “So, you guys talked it out then? He’s come to some sort of terms about his past?”

“Um...we really didn’t talk much, he just told me to come home. I figure he must be ready to talk about things when I get there. It’s just harder over the phone, right?”

“Sometimes it’s easier, than face-to-face, but it’s good that he wants to do it that way, and that he wants you to come home,” he reassured her, noticing a flicker of doubt cross her eyes.

“Yeah, I honestly don’t know how much more of this I could’ve stood. I can’t lose him John, not now, not after everything we’ve been through...”

“You’re not; I don’t think he wants to lose you either.”

“I hope you’re right, I wasn't sure that my coming here was the best..."

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?” Dawn asked, coming into the kitchen and pouring herself a coffee.

“William. Buffy talked to him last night,” John said, going over to her and giving her giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Dawn looked at Buffy, “You did?”

Buffy repeated what she had told John, “I’m going home this evening, but I’ll still go with you and help you pick out a couch today.”

“You don’t have to do that. I know you’re probably antsy to get home.”

Buffy nodded, “I am, but I told him I’d be home in the evening, and he’ll likely be sleeping all day anyway. If I leave late this afternoon, I’ll get home about the time he’s getting up. Besides, I want to go with you.”

“Okay, what were you about to say when I interrupted?”

Buffy, "Oh, just that I wasn't sure that this was the best move to make; coming here, I mean. I just had to do something..."

"Well, it looks like your plan worked," Dawn said smiling at her.

"Yeah, guess so," Buffy said, but for some reason, she didn't exactly feel like cheering yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3:30PM

“You got everything?” Dawn asked, as she put the larger suitcase in the car’s trunk.

“Yep, think that’s it. Got the new stuff, got the old stuff, got my purse, keys...did I get my jacket?”

“It’s in your back seat.”

“Ah...then I guess that’s it,” she said, smiling tentatively at Dawn.

“It’ll be okay, Buffy. You’ll see. In fact, I predict it’s going to be great even.”

Buffy took a deep breath, “I hope so, we’ve got a lot of things to talk over; to work out.”

“You will. He’s going to be okay from now on.”

“You think?”

“I think,” Dawn said, giving Buffy a hug.

Buffy returned the hug, and got into the driver’s side, closing the door after her. “I’ll call you tonight.”

“You’d better,” Dawn said, patting the car, “now get going.”

“Bye Dawn, thanks for everything,” she said, as she started the engine.

“Bye Buffy. Give our love to William,” Dawn called out as Buffy drove off.

“I will,” she called back, turning onto the street in front of Dawn apartment building, heading for the highway, home, and William.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JULIAN
4:00PM

The car was parked in front of the house, as William carried the last of the things he was taking with him out to the car. William’s face was a picture of grim determination, his blue eyes steely and focused on the task at hand, the telltale tracks of recent tears the only sign of his inner turmoil.

He looked back towards the porch, at the only home he remembered living in, other than his boyhood one, his resolve almost wavering. He shook his head to clear it.

“I don’t belong here,” he said, as he got into the DeSoto and drove off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JULIAN
6:00PM

Buffy sighed in relief as she pulled off at the Santa Ysabel exit. Only a few more miles, and she’d be home. Her nervousness had been increasing exponentially, the closer she got, but she told herself it was just the heavy traffic she’d been forced to deal with on a Friday evening all the way from Los Angeles.

She had tried to call William, to let him know she was on her way, but only got his voice mail. After three times, she’d given up.

Turning off the main road five minutes later, she took the long private road up to their house, and parked in front. “Hello, house,” she said softly, getting out of the car.

Buffy grabbed the small bag, jacket, and her purse from the backseat before walking up to the porch. She hesitated a minute, then tried the door. Surprisingly, it was unlocked. Ever since the attack, he’d been compulsive about keeping it locked, and would hear him checking and rechecking it many times throughout the day and night. She smiled, thinking that this had been his concession; leaving it open - for her.

She took her things to her bedroom, noticing that her bed looked like it had been slept in recently. Her heart filled with longing suddenly, and she could no longer wait. She went into the bathroom, and walked through the adjoining door to his room, “William?” she said, her face soft and expectant, as her eyes adjusted to the darkened room.

There was no answer, and it took her only a few seconds to realize he wasn’t there. She looked over towards the closet, and noticed the door was open. “Ah...,” she said, as she went up the stairs to the annex, fully expecting to see him asleep on the couch.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m home,” she said right before she got to the landing, so he wouldn’t be alarmed.

Again, there was no reply.

“William?” she said, her voice beginning to match the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Buffy noted briefly, that the room had been cleaned up before going back down the stairs. She checked out the living room again, as if she might have missed him the first time, then went through the kitchen, and out the back door. As she made her way towards the barn, she noticed for the first time that the DeSoto wasn’t there.

Had he been going out recently, while she’d been gone? If he had, that would be a good sign that he was getting back in the swing of things finally. Perhaps he’d just gone out to get some groceries before she returned. Or maybe he was so glad that she was coming home, that he’d gone to buy her some flowers.

These were some of the rationalizations she clung to for his not being there, as she walked back into the house.

"Guess I'll do some unpacking in the meantime," she said, as she walked around the house to get the rest of her things out of her trunk. Buffy carried the suitcases into her room, and opened them up on the bed. She started separating her clothes between the, 'clean and looks good enough to put away’ variety, to the 'clean, but looks all wrinkly, better wash anyway,' categories. She walked over to the dresser carrying clothes from the former, when she saw it; a letter propped up on top of her jewelry box, against the mirror that William had given her for Christmas.

The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach returned full force, as she stood staring at William’s familiar script on the envelope. The clothes tumbled half onto the dresser, half onto the floor, as Buffy finally picked up the letter, then slowly walked back over to the bed, sitting down, before opening it.


26 september 2009
Early morning

Dear Elizabeth,

This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write, and I’m a right coward for not waiting for you to come home...but you see luv, if I saw you, I know I wouldn’t be able to do what I must, because as you know by now, I’m weak.

I can’t be with you; be what you need me to be, can’t be here, acting like I’m a normal man, living a normal life, when I don’t know what I am anymore.

You tell me that I am a man now, and was for the first almost 28 years of my life. But how can I live as one, knowing that for over 120 years, I was a monster, a killer, a demon? One who even killed his own family..

I don’t understand how you could want a thing like me, how you ever did; except that you are the most compassionate, strong, and loving person I have ever met.

You told me that in order to fight what you called The First evil, you found a way to share your unique one-girl-in-all-the-world slayer power, and now there are others to take up the fight against the darkness. That means that you were allowed for the first time to step into, and stay in the light. I feel like my being back with you, has dragged you back into that fight, into that darkness.

You deserve to have a normal life, with a normal man who hasn't been a part of that darkness, and who won't drag you back there, whether intentional or just by his very nature.

I don’t know why I was brought back, but surely, it wasn’t so that I could drag you back into that darkness, or just as bad, make you my caretaker, which you’ve been more or less since you found me in Chicago.

You were right that I promised that I’d never leave you, and as a normal man, faults and all, I never, ever would. This tears me up more than you’ll ever know...to still want you so, and to know that at the same time, I, or some part of me tried to kill you. How can I reconcile that? This is the only right thing I can do as a man.

I told you to come back, because this is your home. I’m the one who doesn’t belong here; don’t rightly know where I belong, where I fit...if anywhere.

Guess that’s what I need to find out; where I fit in.


William



END CHAPTER 157

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