Disclaimer: I do not own "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and I own nothing accept for my imagination. Joss Whedon and UPN, I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your characters. I’m just a fan and a minor.
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"Solace and Redemption"
Magic Box- several days after Tara’s funeral
"Thanks for helping, Buffy." Anya said as she stood by the upsides down round table, staring at the destruction of her beloved store and thought about how much of her beloved money it would take to fix it.
"No problem, Ahn. Uh, have you talked to Xander?" she asked uneasily.
"No, I don’t think he’s ready to talk to me, or me to him." she said looking away. "Buffy, I kinda need to talk to you about the whole me and Spike thing."
Buffy stopped picking up debris, looking at Anya and not really wanting to hear what the "forth right" demon might say.
"It wasn’t meant to be a whole vengeance thing."
"I know."
"no, look. we were both very vulnerable and very drunk and-"
"No, I know all that, K? I don’t need details on you and Spike. I saw it." Buffy said w/ heatedly.
"You didn’t see what happened before that, did you?" Anya said accusingly.
"No, but it doesn’t matter." she replied solemnly.
"Buffy, it’s probably not my place, but I don’t care. I don’t want to see another relationship destroyed. He came here for a numbing spell. Instead, I found some of Giles’ leftover liquor." she paused and looked at Buffy, who was staring intently at a spot on the floor. "Anyway, we started talking and he was just as hurt as I was. I talked to all of you about Xander, but he was the only one who got it. He could relate.... I know you didn’t leave him at the alter, but whatever it was, it caused just as much pain." Anya bit her lower lip, hesitating to proceed while Buffy remained to stand idly around, still gazing at the floor. But now, her eyes were glazed.
"I’m almost certain you’re well aware of how much he loves you. What confuses me is why you can’t or won’t return his feelings. He said that you and Xander just can’t deal w/ the fact that he and I should of been dead long ago, but we’re the only ones truly alive. I think he’s right. Why is it that when it comes to feelings, you guys just shut down? To love and be loved is the most incredible feeling; it’s better than money and sex combined." she said w/ earnest. "Look, I’m not trying to start an argument, but it upsets me that you can pass up someone who’ll love you that much. I wish I were that lucky." She said looking at the floor herself.
"Don’t judge me, okay Ahn? You, sleep w/ Spike, yell at Xander for caring, and now you’re trying to lecture me?!" she yelled furiously.
"Look, I know I messed up. But I am not the only one. All of screwed up. He, it was just comfort. We just wanted to forget. Something to make the pain go away, even if for a moment." Buffy knew exactly what she meant.
"All I’m saying is that he needs you just as much as you need him. He’s not some soulless, evil, undead demon. He does feel. He may not be necessarily "good", but he’s not evil. He’s proved that more than once. If you can, be w/ the one you love." she said w/ half a smile.
"Anya, I can’t. He’s gone. He left and I don’t think he’s coming back." she said as she broke down and cried. Anya walked up to her and they held each other, both wanting solace in their scorned hearts.
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"We can’t change the way we were; but we can change the way we are. All I really wanted from this crazy love.... what I wouldn’t give to have this crazy love again. I believe in second chances, and I’m holdin’ on for sure to your crazy love.....
- Luther Vandross
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"You have endured the required trials."
"Bloody right, I have. So give me what I want; make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves."
"Very well. We will return, your soul."
"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"
******************
Flashback to a convo between Riley and Spike
"You actually think you got a shot w/ her?"
"No, I don’t. Fella’s gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can."
"If you touched her, you know I’d kill you for real."
"If I had this chip outta my head, I’da killed you long ago. Ain’t love grand? Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. Then sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her, to be all alone, even when you’re holdin’ her, feelin’ her, feelin’ her beneath you... Surrounding you, the scent.... No, you got the better deal."
"I’m the lucky guy. Yea. I’m the guy."
*******************
"What have you done to me?" Spike said still on the floor.
"Ha, I gave your soul so you can give the Slayer what she deserves. You fool. You should have known that you could never be the true dark warrior you once were."
"So your bloody solution is to give me a soul so I can brood? What, walk around carrying more guilt than I had before. You stupid git! I---"
"Silence, you fool! You should be thanking me. The only way for things to ever be amended is for you have humanity, well, more of it."
"Amended? What needs---"
"You’ll find out in time. But now, you need to go back to Sunnydale."
"Can, can I ever lose...."
"No, unlike Angelus, your soul is not a curse, but a gift."
"Thanks for the ‘gift’ and all, but I can’t go back. I’m nothing but a monster in her eyes, and she’s right."
"No, you were a monster. But you’re far from it now. Now go; this is the path that you must take."
"Dear god, what’s happenin’ to me?"
****************
Several days later in Spike’s Crypt
"Clem?"
"Spike! Wow, you’re finally back. A little sooner than I expected but.... Hey, what happened to ya, buddy?"
"I, don’t wanna talk ‘bout it. I just want, I want to forget.... Stupid ponce. Why won’t these feelings stop?" He said as he sunk to the floor, voice breaking.
"Spike, you’re all black and blue, and burned. What happened?"
"I, I...." He finished his sentence in a trail of sobs.
"Have you even eaten? You look so weak and pale, well, paler than usual. But, not to worry. I’ll get ya something." He says as he exits the crypt.
Why a soul? Why do I even exist? I’m still nothing. I’ll never be anything, just stuck in the middle and... oh Buffy. What have I done to you, luv? He thought as she clutched his head while a steady stream of tears came down his face.
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"I, I have nothing. I, I have no one. They adore you, and love you so... I’m just a no one with nothing to give you, but I, I love you."
-Luther Vandross
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Living Room- Summers’ home
"So, Giles doin’ better?" Dawn asked.
"Oh, he sounded great. He’s way better." Buffy said as she went to sit on the coffee table across from sister, who was seated on the couch.
"And uh, Willow?" she asked w/ uncertainty in her voice.
"She’s uh, it-it’s hard to tell. Xander says she’s sleeping most of the time, and when she’s not, she just kinda stares off into space."
"Oh."
"Well, you know, it’s gonna take time for her to come to terms with-"
Doorbell rings.
"Who’s that?" Dawn asked as Buffy got up to answer the door.
"I don’t know, maybe Anya." Buffy replied as she opened the door.
"Hey, Buffy. Sorry to bother you."
"Oh, no it’s all right. Come in Clem."
"Hey Dawn."
"Hey Clem."
"Look Buffy, I really need to talk to you. I don’t know what to do."
"What’s wrong?"
"It’s Spike. He’s been back for a few days now, but something’s wrong w/ him. He hardly talks or eats. He just sits there."
Clem could see the shock, grief and relief strewn across Buffy’s face all at once. He saw the concern in Dawn’s face as she got closer and gently put a hand on her big sister’s shoulder. He wasn’t too sure on what she’d say. But that’s when he saw it. The most definite and raw reaction, though tiny as it was, it was clear as day. Tears began to cloud the Slayer’s eyes for a brief second before she batted them away.
"He’s really back? Where’d he go? What happened to him?" Dawn asked eagerly concerned.
"Just a sec Dawn. Clem, can you stay here with Dawn while I go see what’s up?"
"But Buffy-"
"Dawn please. Just let me see what happened, K’?"
Dawn relented and nodded her head. So much had happened, but she knew Buffy missed him, in spite of what happened and Xander’s ranting. But what really upset her was that Buffy still felt Dawn needed someone to watch her. But, she’ll get over it one day, Dawn thought.
***************
As Buffy walked at a fast pace towards Spike’s crypt, she couldn’t of thinking of what seemed like countless nights of lying awake, thinking about him; wishing he’s come back. Regretting the horrible things she’d said to him. Let yourself love me he’d pleaded with her. She thought that if she’d only been honest with him in the first place.... things would have been so much different; probably would have been better. They could of still been together. But she was scared, then he was gone. Even though she never told him she loved him, he left her anyway. Just like the rest.
The only comfort she found at his departure was when she’d lie in her bed at night, wrapped in his coat; his scent of liquor and cigarettes; the smell that lingered on that old leather duster of his. But even after all of this, she still wasn’t sure she was ready to face him, that is, without totally breaking down. She approached his chamber door, contemplated turning back, then went in.
***************
"Spike?" She whispered in an almost inaudible tone. Outside of the candles, it was dark. She didn’t see him, but she could feel his presence. She stood quiet and listened, then heard his quiet sobs coming from downstairs. She slowly approached the ladder.
***************
In a fetal position, Spike lied on his bed, turning his thoughts of despair to thoughts of Buffy and Niblet... then he smelled it, the scent that was forever engraved into his mind- Buffy. He immediately stopped his sobs when he sensed her coming, that she was there. He remained absolutely still. He then heard the soft movents of her boots hitting the pavement, then slowly descending the ladder.
"Spike?" her voice said, which she inadvertently felt revealed her grief and uneasiness. He was too stunned to respond. He just continued to lie there silently.
She came closer to his bed, the bed that they shared at one time.... She stood there, and gazed at him. He laid there facing her, his eyes still closed. She could see the stream of tears that moistened his cheeks. Cautiously, she sat beside him on the edge of the bed. He flinched and closed his eyes tighter at the closeness of her.
She lifted her hand and caressed his cheek with the back of her hand- her eyes swollen with tears that she refused to let flow.
"Spike, are you alright?" she said, her voice shaky. He didn’t respond.
"Well, could you at least let me know that you’re okay?"
That was when realization dawned on her. She saw the bruises on his face. She had not prepared herself to see him hurt. It reminded her too much of the day when Glory got a piece of him. But that had done it, several tears managed to free themselves of sad, hazel eyes.
"God, are you hurt all over?" Each second of seeing him like that made it ten times harder for her to stay under emotional control. He finally looked up at her.
"You, you shouldn’t be here pet."
"No, wha-what happened to you?" her voice trembling.
He slowly sat up and stared into her eyes; eyes that were glistening heavily from her tears. He wanted to hold her, but was to afraid to touch her. Not after the horrible thing he did, well, nearly did to her the last time he saw her.
"Buffy, I’m fine. You should go."
"No, Clem said you hadn’t eaten since you’ve gotten back. Maybe longer from the looks of it." Looking how much more paler he looked than usual. Much like the time when he first had gotten the chip and couldn’t feed.
Damn him! He thought. He thought Clem had gone out to play poker. He’d kill Clem for telling her! Or, hurt him a lot.
"Spike, there’s, so much has happened since you left. Jonathan and Andrew were in jail, Warren came back to my house and tried to kill me with a gun for foiling his plans." His eyes widened at this with concern for her.
"I’m fine, but one of his stray bullets hit Tara. She’s dead."
"Buffy, I’m so sorry. How’s Red doin’?" He said, as he fought an inner conflict of holding her hand or not.
"Well, Willow went crazy with the magicks and bestowed upon Warren a horrible, skinless, fiery death. She nearly killed Giles, tried to turn Dawn into a mystical ball of green energy, and tried to kill me, Jonathan and Andrew, who managed to escape to somewhere else. But Xander managed to stop her, with help from Giles." she said in monotone.
"Rupert’s back? And Dawn’s okay, right?" he said, cursing himself as he gently caressed her face, staring at her with those sad, blue eyes of his.
"Yeah. It’s just, it’s been so hard---" Her barrier of "a stiff upper lip" finally broke down completely. She began to uncontrollably cry.
"Spike, can you please hold me?" she said not looking at him. He didn’t answer, just gently embraced her. He wrapped his arms around her and put his chin on her head, petting her back. she held onto him as if holding on for dear life, feeling as if the moment she loosened her grip, he would disappear forever.
After several moments, she looked into his eyes for what seemed like the first time. He was just as teary eyed as she was, except for the extreme amount of fear lurking in his. She wasn’t exactly sure as to why, but decided to not ask him just yet.
"I’m gonna go upstairs and get you something to eat, okay?"
He nodded and thought about why she was being so good to him.
End of Part I
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Part II
She knew they would eventually have to discuss "that night", but what was there to say? She knew he was hurting a lot, probably more than she was. He mostly just scared her. She wanted to hate him, but she torn. He had been right; she did feel the same way he did, though it took a long time for her to realize it. When she did, she was terrified. It brought up too many questions.
She knew he was genuinely in love with her, and that he’d do anything for her- hands down. But he didn’t have a soul. But what was a soul, really? And, if he could love her w/out one, how come Angelus hated her so much? How come neither was successful in killing each other or even hurting one another until they became involved? Were they truly a match? Two different sides of the same coin? Thinking about all of this made her nauseous.
She didn’t blame him one hundred percent for that night. She knew she was evil to him, You’re a thing; an evil disgusting thing. You’re just convenient. I could never love you. You can’t feel anything real. But she did love him, and she trusted him. But for some reason, she felt he could never know that. Xander was wrong. Even w/out the chip, she’d trust him with Dawn.
He might have been "William the Bloody" and "the Scourge of Europe", but that was in the past. He probably hadn’t killed an eighth of the people Anya did. Even so, some humans w/souls were more horrific and disgusting then he was. It’s not like he wanted mass genocide or something.
As for that night, she saw in eyes that he was scared; scared of losing her forever. She knew what that was like- to get that close to someone and then for them to just take it all away. It’s like for your most sacred dream to come true and to just end up being a never-ending nightmare. Maybe he’s suffered enough... after all, the most magnanimous act a person can do is to forgive.
She came back down w/the blood and sat down on the bed.
"Sorry I couldn’t warm it up, but no microwave."
"It’s all right."
"Spike, I want, no I have to talk to you about the other night-"
"Buffy, listen I’m sorry for that. What I did was-"
"No, it’s okay."
"No, it’s not okay, it’ll never be okay. I was wrong. I should of had control, but I, I just lost it. That’s never happened to me before. I always have control, and in that moment, I just lost myself..."
"Look, it made me realize some things. Honestly, I do feel the same you do. But I was just so angry w/ you, you know with Anya. And I tried so hard to hate you for it, all of it. But I couldn’t. I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me, and if I was honest with myself a long time ago, none of this might not have happened."
"You can’t think like that. What’s done is done."
"Spike, shut up. I wasn’t finish. I know what it’s like to for the person that you love more than anything to just shut you out and break your heart. I shouldn't have put you through that pain, being through it more than once myself." She looked at him right in the eyes.
" Spike, bullshit aside, I l-"
"Don’t, don’t say it."
"Why? I mean it."
"Because if you say it, I don’t think I’ll be able to let you take it back. I wouldn’t ever be able to leave you. I couldn’t let you go."
"Well, good ‘cause I wouldn’t want you too. Been through enough of that for one "Slayer" lifetime. Oh, and I love you." she said hastily before he could interrupt her again.
She’d finally said it, no regrets. She gently grabbed his face and kissed his cool lips.
"Now, eat up if you want your strength back." He was too stunned to move. He just looked at her and then his vision became blurred.
"Spike, don’t cry, please. Just, drink this, will you?" He continued to stare at her, and the tears ran over the brim of his eyelids. But he obeyed and gulped the jar of blood down. He put it down on the night stand, and continued to just look at his angel.
"Spike, I love you. I LOVE YOU. I. Want. To be with you. You make me happy, well , most of the time. I need you. Please say something." she said as she grabbed his hand. He didn’t. He just grabbed her and kissed her ever so gently.
"God, Buffy. I love you so much. Please don’t leave me."
"I won’t. Can’t."
"I’ll love you ‘till the day I’m dust luv. I’ll always be drownin’ in you, Summers."
Then she kissed him, softly and gently, which was so different from their usual hungry, raw, passionate kisses. This was more loving, though it contained just as much feeling.
"Spike, make love to me."
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"What’s it gonna be, ‘cause I can’t pretend. Don’t you wanna be, more than freinds? Hold me tight and don’t let go."
En Vogue
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meanwhile at Xander’s......
"I brought you some juice, Will." Xander said as he handed a glass of cranberry juice to a dreary eyed Willow, sitting up on his bed.
"Thanks, Xander." He gave her a nod and a smile and began to turn away.
"Xander?"
"Yeah Will?"
"Um, are you going out?"
"Well, I don’t have to. You want me to be all stay inny and talk?" He asked sincerely.
"Yea, I mean, I’m not really much for talking now, but maybe we can watch a movie? I’d just like someone, no. I’d like to sit with you." She said looking down at the glass.
"Of course, Willow. Nothing better than being here w/ my best bud." He said has he sat down next to her.
"Xander, I just wanted to say that no words could ever express how ashamed I am at myself. sometimes, it’s just so hard. I think about Tara... and what I did to Warren..." Xander placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.
" What terrifies me most is how I tried to hurt the people that I love. I tried to destroy the only family I have along with the world." Tears came down her rosy cheeks and her voice became weepy. "I don’t think I’ll ever live it down. How could anyone forgive me? Maybe it’ll be best for everyone if I just leave, at least for a little while."
"Willow, no, you belong here with us. We’re your friends and we love you and care about you, no matter what. We’re going to help you get through this, okay?" He said, looking at her.
"No, maybe it’s best that I go." She said, looking away from his brown eyes.
"Not so much, will. The last thing you need is to be alone. I’m not leavin. You’re my Willow, and I’ll always love you." He explained as he gave her his trademark Xander hug.
*****************
He caressed her face gently and then gently laid her down. He slowly lifted her light blue sweater over her head. She began to unbutton his dark blue shirt.
"Oh, you’re hurt." she said as her face filled with worry and concern as she lightly touched the burns and bruises.
"It’s all right. Doesn’t hurt anymore."
"You sure?"
"Yea, pet."
She then slid the shirt off of his shoulders. He started to kiss her jaw line, then her neck, and then lightly along her collarbone, then down between her breasts on to her flat tanned stomach. She softly moaned as he traveled down her body.
He proceeded to take off her boots and unbuttoned her pants when he decided to stop his ministrations.
"Buffy, are you absolutely sure ‘bout this? I mean, all of it?"
"Yes." she replied breathlessly from the anticipation of it all and undid her bra. He bent down and removed her lace panties and was about to taste her depths when she stopped him.
"No, later. I need you inside of me. Now."
He nodded as he looked at the extreme determination on her face. He slowly entered her. she wrapped her legs around his waist to bring him in as much as possible. They both moaned at the feel of it.
"Wait, sit up." He instructed her. She looked at him questioningly but followed his request. They both sat up and he placed her on top of him.
"I want you to move your hips in a clockwise motion, slowly." she nodded and wrapped her legs around him. He began to move in a counter clockwise motion so that they’d be moving together. It seemed to be excruciatingly slow, yet the pain was equivalent to that of pure bliss. To move in such a way and to be able to look directly into each others’ faces... she kissed him and moved her tongue at the same rhythmic pace as their bodies were moving and tightened her slayer muscles around his length. Feeling his coolness in her depth of heat was incredible. he wished he could get lost in her forever. For the world to just fall away, except for her.
"Buffy, I love you. I love you. I love you." His declarations of love turned into ramblings and changed into muffled sobs as he tried to cover them up by burring his head into the crack of his neck.
"Oh, Spike. Ah!" she reeled backwards, pulling him down on top; pushing him even further into her. He quickened the pace and felt her shuddering as she reached her climax. He, on the other hand, could barely hold on much longer, so he pushed her over the edge by pushing on her clit w/ his thumb. They came together.
"Make up sex pretty good, Spike. It was wonderful."
"I didn’t think of it as just sex you know. Though I must agree. It was incredible."
"Yeah, but as much as I’d like to stay and give it another go, I have to go back home. I should let Dawn know that you’re okay and relieve Clem. Plus, we’re supposed to go see Giles."
"Yeah, okay. want me to walk with you?"
"Actually, yeah, that’d be nice. Besides, I know Dawn wants to see ya. Besides, you’re hurt. You need some type of attention."
"It’s not so bad. I’ve suffered worse."
"I know."
"Right then. Let’s get some clothes on quick cause I must say, if I continue to look at you in the nude and all, we might shag till we pass out."
"Agreed. Now let’s go." She said as she playfully threw a pillow at him.
Though soon, danger lurked in darkness waiting to slowly kill and torture their reconciliation and new found happiness....
TBC
Part III
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive
"Closer"
Nine Inch Nails
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I wasn’t ready. But I think I finally am. I can’t hold on to the past anymore....
~Buffy~
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"Spike?! Oh my God!" Dawn said as she leapt into his arms.
"Hey, missed you too, Niblet. Clem."
"Spike. Good to see ya better."
"Oh, Buffy, Giles is on his way over."
"I thought he was still resting?"
"Well, he said since he was doin’ better and all, but you know Giles like never takes a break... well, at least not while he’s here." Dawn said thoughtfully.
Can’t say I blame him Buffy thought to herself.
"He say what time?"
"Around nine thirty."
"Good. I wanted to talk to him anyway. I’ll be right back!" she yelled as she dashed up the stairs.
"So Spike. Where ya been?" Dawn asked while self- consciencely avoiding why he left so abruptly w/out giving anyone the heads up.
"Long, long boring story Niblet."
"Well, next time you decide to just take off, you better tell someone Spike. I wasn’t sure if you were coming back. Too much of that goin on around here, ya know?" she replied, throwing caution to the wind.
"Never again. I swear."
"Well, okay. I guess I can forgive you." she said giving him a small smile.
"Um, you left this. Thought you might want it back." Buffy said as she descended the stairs carrying his leather coat.
Spike looked at it for a second, then remembered when he left it in the first pace. "Thanks, pet." he said lowering his eyes as he was handed the coat.
"well guys, I got a poker match to attend. Got a hankerin’ for some kittens." Clem said as he moved from the couch to the door.
"Eww." Dawn and Buffy said in unison.
Clem gave a little wave and exited.
"Buffy, you sure you wanna tell Giles bout this, I mean us?"
"I’m sure. Besides, I told him about us before. Now all I gotta say is that it’s not over."
*******************
"Giles, how are you." Buffy said gibing him a hug.
"I’m fine, but please don’t hug too tightly. Not just yet."
"Oh, sorry."
"Quite all right, Buffy." Giles said with a little smile.
"Hey Giles. You look good."
"Yes well, I feel much better."
"well, since this being ‘greeting time’ and all, I think now’s the time to show you our special guest."
"Who?"
"Rupert." Spike said stepping in the living room from the kitchen, with his head down.
"Spike? well, uh how are things?" Spike was shocked by his greeting, and figured that no one clued the watcher in on what had transpired between him and Buffy.
"ok, but uh, I’d like to talk to you alone, if that’s okay?"
"Yes, quite all right. To the back porch?" Spike nodded in reply and turned back towards the kitchen.
"Well, we’ll be out back if you need us."
"Yeah, okay." Buffy said with a look of perplexity.
********************
Spike abruptly sat down on the back porch and lazily took out a cigarette as Giles slowly sank down to the steps.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Giles said while looking at him, and Spike just stared out into the yard.
"Is it possible for one to feel fantastic yet horrible all over at the same time?" he said as he exhaled a stream of smoke.
"Well, I’m not exactly sure what you mean, but if you wanted to talk to me about your, uh, relations with Buffy, I already know."
"Rupert, I’m bloody sure she didn’t tell you the half of it. But, there is something I want to tell you that I’m not sure on how to tell her."
"Well?"
"Well, whether or not you noticed my absence during Red’s ordeal, I was on a little trip, so to speak." Giles just looked at him encouragingly.
"Buffy and I got into a fight, and I left to make a change...." Spike began to laugh maniacally. Giles gave him a worried look.
"I think I’m gonna stop beating around the bush now. I tried to make her admit loving me. when that didn’t work, I left with full intentions of getting the chip outta my head. There was this demon who said he could help me, but I had to prove myself worthy first, and I did. Got the scars to prove it. But of instead of removing the chip, oh you’ll bloody laugh your ass off at this one, mate. The bastard ‘restored’ my soul. How do you like that?! Huh, I need a drink bout now."
"Well, uh, do you consider this a good thing?" Giles said while looking for a reaction from him.
"I don’t know who or what the hell I am anymore. Haven’t for a long time now. Too many areas of gray inside, you know? I think about the things I’ve done, and it disgusts me. Then I think about how I’ve been helpin’ the lot of you ‘cause I honestly wanted to, I feel better. But then I think of how I hurt ---- hurt the person that I love the most, and I want to die."
"Spike, perhaps you’re being too hard on yourself."
"No, I- you don’t understand." he said as he flicked away the but of the cigarette.
Giles felt a strange sympathy for him. Probably because of the last time he saw him, they were acting like father and son.
"All I need to understand is that you make Buffy happy. That’s all that really matters." He said, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "But how’s the whole soul thing for you? You’re not gonna be all broody like Angel are you?"
"I feel more like that sod William everyday now. Feel like writing bloody poetry. Turnin’ into a more of poof than Peaches."
*****************
"So, what do you think they’re talking about out there?" Buffy asked the younger Summers as nonchalantly as possible.
"Well, you , duh. Spike’s probably askin for approval and what not. Since Giles is the whole father figure type."
"It’s not like he’s proposing. Probably manly stuff. Maybe Giles can talk to Xander about this whole situation?"
"Buffy, who are you kidding?"
"Yeah, guess you’re right."
"Buffy, I know we haven’t had much time to talk considering.... but what happened or didn’t happen with Spike, it was like an accident, right?"
"Yeah. Spike wasn’t trying to purposely hurt me. Even when he wanted to hurt me or kill me whatever, he never could. I’d always kick his ass first." Buffy said with a wry smile. "Besides, I’ve died like three times already. Really hard to find a guy who’s willing to stick around, not that that should be a sole reason to stay with someone cause-"
"Buffy, I get the point. Besides, all I have to do is watch you and learn from all of your glorious mistakes." Dawn said sarcastically.
******************
"So, are you going to tell Buffy about your soul and how you obtained it?" Giles asked while heading towards the back door.
"When the times right, yea."
"But can you lose it? Like Angel?"
"No, unlike Peaches, my soul is a ‘gift’, not a curse. ‘Sides, still got the chip in my head, so no worries." Spike said while opening the door for Giles.
Good to know Giles thought to himself.
******************
an hour later...
"Well, I’m going to be on my way now. I need to get some rest. Anya wanted me to go over some things about the Magic Box expenses and I thought I should see how Willow was doing."
"Well, I’ll stop by Xander’s too tomorrow. But Giles?"
"Yes Buffy."
"You look good with contacts, not that the glasses weren’t good you know, made you look dignified. But still, makes you look younger. Kinda reminds me of Ripper." Buffy said with knowing grin.
"Yeah Giles. Totally cool without the glasses." Dawn concurred.
"Spike." Giles said with an understanding nod.
"Rupert." Spike said returning the nod with a knowing nod.
"Oh, wait! Uh, Buffy, would you mind if I spent the night as Lisa’s and I already have permission from her mom and Giles can I get a ride?" Dawn exclaimed in one, run on sentence.
"Uh, well, if it’s okay with Giles, I mean about the ride part. But yeah, you can go." she said with a shrug.
"Oh, bless you!" she said hurling herself into her sister’s arms. "Thanks a bunch. I just had to get outta here, no offense."
"No problem."
"So, Giles? Ya mind?"
"Sure, Dawn. But Buffy, a moment please?" Buffy followed him into the dining room.
"How are you going to tell Xander about Spike being back. I’m certain he won’t take it well." Giles said with a worried look.
"I don’t know, but I think he can deal, maybe over time. Might take a couple of, decades if I’m lucky."
"Right. I’m sure it’ll work out. Giles said while giving her a hug.
******************
Xander’s place that night....
"I brought you some juice, Will." Xander said as he handed a cup of cranberry juice to a dreary eyed Willow, sitting up on his bed.
"Thanks, Xander." He gave her a nod and a smile and began to turn away.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, are you going out?"
"Well, I don’t have to. You want me to be all stay inny and talk?" He said while walking back towards her.
"Yeah, I mean, I’m not really in a talking mood but maybe we can watch a movie? But honestly, I’d just like to sit with you and enjoy the quiet." she she said with somber eyes.
"Of course, Willow. Nothing better than bein with my best bud." He said as he sat down next to her.
"You know, no words could ever express how ashamed I am of myself. Sometimes, it’s just so hard Xander. I think about Tara, and then what I did to Warren... but what I did to him, it just doesn’t seem to phase me." Xander replied by showing his love and support by placing his hand on top of hers and giving a gentle squeeze.
"What scares me the most is how I tried to hurt you guys. I tried to destroy the only family I have." Tears trailed down her face and her voice became weepy. "I don’t think I’ll ever live that down. There’s no way you guys could ever really forgive me. I don’t really expect you to. I’ve been thinking that maybe, maybe it’d be best if I go away for a little while."
"Willow, no, look, you belong here with us. We’re your friends and we love you and we care about you. We are going to help you through this, okay? Whatever it takes." He said while looking at her with serious, brown eyes.
"Xander, I honestly think it’s best that I go." she said looking past him.
"Not so much, Will. The last thing you need is to be alone. I’m not leaving. You’re my Willow, and I’ll always love you and support you, no matter what." He said, and gave his trademark Xander hug.
Part IV
______________________________________________________________________________
Passion- it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir; open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us- guides us. Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms- shuttered, dank. Without passion, we’d be truly dead.
~Angelus~
______________________________________________________________________________
Summers’ living room after Giles and Dawn’s departure...
"So, you gonna tell me about the bruises now?"
"Sorry, luv. Can’t, not ready for sharing."
"Well, in that case, you gonna tell me what you talked to Giles about?" she asked incredulously.
"Just your average ‘how are’ deal. Look, maybe I should-"
"Please don’t finish that sentence if it involves you leaving." she said, looking steadily into his blue orbs.
"Buffy, it just hurts so much to here, in this house. You were right, Buffy. I’m nothing but ‘an evil, disgusting thing." He said breaking her gaze and looking at his feet. "All I do is hurt people."
"No. That’s not true and you know it." She said, grabbing his shoulders and then raising his chin so that he would look at her.
"Spike, when I said those things, I didn’t mean it. I was kidding myself. I -"
"But Slayer, you were in denial for a reason. Buffy, you were ashamed of me, and I don’t blame you. Not only am I vampire, but no soul, remember? You were punishing me because I wasn’t Pe-, Angel and I wasn’t Capn’ Cardboard. And you were punishing yourself because I’m not them or like them, deep down, you loved me anyway. Or, so I hoped." He said with his spike grin, then tilted his head to the side and looked at her intently, locking her with his eyes.
"When you told me that you could never love me, it was like losin’ you all over again. To be that close to you and not have you.... Kinda reminds me of white bread."
She about questioning on what he meant, but thought better of it. She walked to the couch and sat down, his back facing her as he remained standing in the foyer.
"Spike, if what we have is only lust, I’d be able to banish it from my mind as well as my heart. But I can’t because, we have a passion- or a ‘dance’ as you’d call it. It’s not finished yet. Not until one of us dies anyway."
He slowly turned around and sat on the coffee table across from her.
"Life is to short. I’m not sure if I’ve got too many lives yet so listen to me." she said with wide eyes and grasping his room temperature hands.
"You are the one for me. You were right. No other man could ever truly understand me the way you do. Hell, since we first met, you could see things about me that others couldn’t. I want to be with you." he just stared at her unbelieving.
"I’m an adult and am completely capable of making my own decisions. I want you, all of you. I hope that you still want me."
"Always, luv." he said caressing her cheek.
"Hey, can you promise me something?" she said lowering her head. "Just promise no more ultimatums and leaving. I’ve had enough of those." she said nervously.
"Never, ever again. Promise." he said, then gently pulled her into a tender kiss. Buffy broke the kiss and beamed at him.
"Come on." she said as she got up and led him up the stairs.
Spike, please stop!
"I- I can’t." he said shakily, eyes misty.
"What’s wrong?" Buffy said, looking scarred at the uncertainty of what he meant.
"I’m scared." he said with a strained voice. Then it dawned on her.
"The bathroom." she said almost inaudibly. He turned his head away.
"I was just taking you to my room. We’ve never been there like this and, well it means a lot to me." she gave a pleading look. It was true, they’d been everywhere else...
"Right, then." he said while continuing to ascend the stairs. They entered the room and he tossed his coat aside.
"Buffy, I want to tell you something." he said as he held her hips and locked eyes with her.
"Shh." she said while pressing her index finger to his lips. She leaned up and gently kissed him. He pulled her closer and lifted her up. They continued their kiss as he carried her over to her bed. He sat down so that she’d be on top this time. He wanted her to lead the dance this time. He needed her to be in control because he felt utterly drained of power.
He succumbed to her every demand, every wish, every touch. He wanted her to make him feel like everything was going to be all right, though he severely thought otherwise.
She pulled off his black tee shirt and softly placed kisses on his lean, muscular chest. He pulled her blue sweater over her head and unbuttoned her pants. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, and felt her wetness. She lightly closed her eyes at this, and closed them tighter as he moved his fingers in slow circular motions. He was good with his circles.
After a couple of minutes, she removed his hand from her and proceeded to move from him so that she could slip her pants off. As she did this, he did the same, but in a slower, more sensuous manner. He shook his pants away from his ankles and stood there as she gazed at his incredible erection for what seemed like the thousandth time, yet it never ceased to amaze her.
He stepped towards her and unclasped her black bra with ease and let the straps slide down her tanned soldiers. He then tenderly kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. She brought her hands up hi s back and grasped his shoulders, pressing herself into him....
As they made love for the second, third, and fourth time that night, he couldn’t stopped the tears. He cried out of happiness for having her in his arms, for her to hold him back.. But he also cried from grief, but not the typical brooding from all of the havoc he’d caused from his 120 years, but from the pain he caused her. He felt as if the feeling would never go away. He didn’t feel worthy of looking at her at that moment. He was too disgusted with himself.
"Spike, why won’t you look at me?" she said while cradling his face with her hands.
"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to." he said while taking a glance at her and turning away again.
"Spike, what happened to you? Where’d you go?"
"I, not now, please." he said while abruptly getting up from her bed. Buffy could feel herself tensing up from her frustration at her injured vampire lover and tried helplessly to hold back tears. She sat up and asked, " why are you shutting me out? Why won’t you tell me?"
"I will, it’s just, I don’t think now is the time, alright?"
"Then when is it time? I mean, you’ve got an eternity. When is it time for me?"
"If I tell you, it’ll just make you more upset."
"Please just tell me. I want to know. I need to know."
"All right then, but brace yourself, Slayer." Buffy pulled the sheet up to her and watched as he paced the length of the room naked.
"Okay, I left good ol’ Sunny D to get the chip removed from my head. Thought maybe it’d be better for the both of us if I could stop loving you. Seemed to me it was a whole lot easier when we was fightin’ and hatin’ each other. But I was stupid to think that. Me and you couldn’t even inflict real pain towards each other till we started to care." He gave one of his barely audible raspy laughs and stopped pacing. He looked over at her- his ‘effulgent’ angel. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.
"So, I took a trip and found this demon and asked him to restore me. Make me the way I was..." he said as his voice lowered. "So I had to do these trials, which were really nothing but fights and challenges to death against these other demons. That’s how I got the burns and bruises. And finally, he said that I’d passed. But he didn’t remove the chip..." Buffy held her breath out of anticipation of what he was going to say next. He sighed heavily and continued.
"Well, he made me the way I was, kept his promise in a manner of speaking. He, he restored my soul, Buffy." He lowered his head and ran his hand through his hair.
She sat there for a moment, watching and thinking until it all sunk in.
"Do you still have it?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yea."
"Well, I guess I wasn’t your complete happiness then, huh."
"What? Oh, no Buffy, of course you are, luv. It’s just that I can’t lose my soul. I’m not cursed. The soul is a ‘gift’. There’s no stipulation on me losin’ it unless by magic or something."
"So, let me get this straight; you left to get rid of the chip and instead got your soul- a soul you can’t lose, and are all upset and mopey ‘cause of your reasons for leaving in the first place right?" she asked as she maneuvered herself with the sheet off the bed, walking towards him.
"Yea." He said while watching as she approached him.
"And, you’re afraid that this’ll put a glitch in our relationship." she said, caressing his face with light fingers. He just slightly nodded.
"Spike, as many problems that we’ve had, this would probably be at the bottom of the list." She said while moving her hand to stroke his hair. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "Buffy, I’m just scared. I don’t want to lose you." Hugging him tighter in the embrace, she whispered back, " Never again."
*********************
The next day at Xander’s....
"Willow, you ready to go?" Xander called from the bathroom as he got ready to go to Buffy’s.
"I’m ready as in dressed, but I don’t think I’m ready to go face her and Dawnie. Maybe we can do this next week?"
"Sorry, Will, it’s been a long time already. You can do this. Buff’s still your friend and she wants to help." He said while coming out of the bathroom while buttoning his shirt.
"You believe in me that much, huh?" she said with a slight smile.
"Always. Now, to the Xander- Mobile!"
*******************
later at Buffy’s....
"Spike, how can you watch this stuff?" she said as she was curled up next to him on the couch with only a tee- shirt and her panties on.
"Hey, don’t mock this. Passions is a very intriguing show." he said, only in his jeans.
"Yeah, well, it seems silly to me. Hey, let’s watch Jenny Jones. I can always get a laugh out that show."
"Yeah, well-"
"Hey Buff! Just came by to say- oh god." Xander said with his eyes narrowed.
"Xander!"
TBC
FEEDBACK, PLEEEEAAASSEE!!
Part V: We Need a Resolution
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.
Aaliyah &n
______________________________________________________________________________
Xander stormed towards Spike and gave him a ferocious right hook.
"You son of a Bitch!! How dare you come back here!" Xander began to approach the fallen vampire when Buffy intervened.
"Xander, stop. I invited him here." she said pleadingly.
"Buffy what the hell is wrong with you? What, you’re all accepting to Mr. Attempted Rape now? Or did he cast some sort of spell on you? I hope so ‘cause at least then I’d know if you’ve lost your sanity or not." Xander fumed. Spike just stood there and had no response. Willow just observed at what was transpiring between her two best friends.
"Xander, he didn’t put a spell on me, and what happened between us happened between us. I don’t expect you to understand but-"
"Understand? Oh I understand completely. You’ve totally lost it. You should of dusted him a long time ago. But oh no. That’s right I forgot. Buffy’s always had a soft spot for evil vamps, letting them get away with murder- literally speaking with Angel of course." That last statement pushed Buffy over the edge and she responded by smacking him.
"Stop it." Willow whispered, and only Spike heard through his vampire hearing and glanced at her.
"Enough. You don’t know anything about that, and you certainly don’t know or can even begin to comprehend this." she said in a low, menacing tone.
"All I need to understand is that he’s a soulless demon on a leash." he said while glaring at her.
"Stop it! Both of you!" Willow yelled while rubbing her temples. "I can’t take this anymore! The two of you are so stupid. All we have in our short, miserable lives are the precious moments. But the two of you are two stupid to see them and you miss them completely. All we have left is each other, and you guys are ruining it with your idiotic bickering." By this time, her voice was lowered. Her face was flushed as her tears caressed her face. The others just watched on with sad faces.
"All I can say is you guys better wise up before one of us is in the ground; indefinitely. I wasted precious time, time I could’ve spent with Tara because- I was too stupid and weak to with the magics. If I’d listened to her, we could spent all of those missed months apart together. I’ll never have that chance ever again...." She shook her head and wiped her face with a shaky hand. Xander was the first one to speak up.
"Buff, I’m sorry. Now’s not the best time to sort all of this out, so I think I’m just gonna go now."
"Okay, and I’m sorry too..." she said while unconsciously hugging herself.
"Red, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Tara." Xander was going to say something but thought better of it. Willow nodded to Spike in acknowledgment and went out the door without saying another word. Xander glanced at Buffy before leaving and closing the door behind them.
*****************
In Xander’s car...
" Xander, can I go back to your place. I’m physically and emotionally drained right now, and I just want to sleep." she said while looking out of the window.
"Yeah, sure. Do you mind if I go out for awhile?" he asked while still looking at the road.
"Xander, you’re a grown man. Do whatever ya want." she said rather indifferently.
"Um, yeah..."
*****************
A little while later, Xander arrives at the Magic Box...
Anya whipped her head around from the cash register as she heard the familiar tinkling of the bell expecting a customer when-
"Anya. Are ya busy now?" he asked, while still standing at the store’s entrance.
"Xander, no, come on in." she said as she walked from around the counter, motioning for him to take a seat.
"Well, the place looks great."
"Oh, yeah, Hallie got a few demons over to help me real cheap." she said with a thoughtful expression.
"Um, Ahn, I wanted to talk to you about some serious stuff, today." he explained while fiddling with his fingers. "I’ve been thinking a lot these last few weeks, and I think that I never really explained why I couldn’t go through with the wedding."
"Xander, really, you don’t have to-"
"No, I do. I owe you that much. I told you then that I didn’t want to hurt you, ‘not like that.’ What I meant was, I was afraid I’d turn into my father. My father made my life as well as my mother’s a living hell. It was like he’d drained away all of the happiness and the life from her. His drinking problem eventually led to my mother to have one too." he said while looking at nothing in particular, but just looking. Anya gave him a sad look of sympathy and gently grabbed one of his hands.
"What that demon showed me- it was like every fear I ever had about us, about me, came true... You hated me, our lives... he not only showed me, but it was like I could feel everything; the hatred and the anger- and when he brought me back to reality, I just kept thinking that I couldn’t do that to you. What he showed me may have been fake, but it was that possibility, no, probability that I feared of it actually coming true. Stuff like that’s unavoidable. It sneaks up on you. Same thing happened with my parents. But I’m sorry."
At that moment Anya was shockingly at a lost for words. She just looked at him for awhile.
"Xander, I’m sorry too, about you know, with-"
"I know." he said as he looked at her.
"It’s just, I was hurt, and he was hurt, but it was mistake. I knew it right from the start. But, I just wanted to lose myself. Thought maybe that it’d help the pain go away. I wasn’t thinking clearly when it happened. We were both kind a wasted." she said while letting go of his hand and looking away for a moment.
"Um, Anya, do you think that maybe we could put this behind us, start over? Maybe out for a drink or something? Something small?"
Anya gave him a small smile. "Okay Xander Harris. You’re on."
TBC
I realize this is terribly short, but I’m just not sure where exactly I want to got with this, and I’m not exactly sure how to get there. I’ll take all comments, please!!