Spinning the Wheel 18 - Scrubs

Buffy was about to pace a trench in the linoleum floor of the waiting area. She had wrapped one of her arms around her lean form as if she was cold and was chewing on the fingernails of the other hand. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was about to explode with nervousness.

She walked up and down the sterile room for about half an hour now and excactly nobody had come and talked to her. She had tried to ask one of the nurses but they were all extremely busy.

Buffy couldn't blame them. Being at the ER and all. She just wished somebody would come and tell her what happened. Maybe it was just some weird tactic to scare her away so they wouldn't have to explain to the stupid little blond girl who was worrying her eyes out about the friend who had almost died on the living-room floor.

"Buffy?"

The blonde wiped around to see Willow and Tara coming through the door towards her.

"God, I'm so glad you're here." she pulled her friends into a tight hug. A small wave of relief washed over her to see some familiar faces. She had called her best friend after five endless minutes of waiting.

"What happened?" Willow asked, pulling Buffy towards a small group of uncomfortable plastic-chairs which actually weren't manufactured to waiting more than ten minutes.

"I don't know, I…" Buffy sighed and buried her face in her shaking hands. "I went over to Spike's place. We were going to have some breakfast together. I was late cause I took a tad too long shower and when I got there..." she broke off as tears spilled down her cheeks.

Willow looked at her friend with a mixture of concern and helplessness. Tara ran her hand soothingly over her friends shaking shoulder.

"I don't know what he did. He was just... he just lay there. A knife beside him... and a liquor bottle. And there was blood."

"Have you heard from the doctor yet?" Willow asked, stroking some stray strands of hair out of Buffy's face.

"No. Nobody talks to me. I'm not a family member so they're all hush-hush about it. I don't know." she sobbed again, picturing the worst that could have happened.

"But you told them that he doesn't have any family around, didn't you?"

"Of course. I mean... I found him, right? I just want to know if he…" she broke off again, her eyes wide with the possible thought.

"Oh no, sweetie... don't think that, okay? He's going to be alright." Willow tried to sound convinced but she couldn't quite manage it.

***

"Miss... Buffy Summers?" A male voice called into the waiting area about another 30 minutes later.

"Yeah… yeah, that's me." Buffy scrambled to her feet, facing a young dark haired man in hospital scrubs. She knew him. It was that med-guy she had that tiny crush on about half a few months ago.

"Hi, my name is... I know you, don't I?" he smiled at her, forgetting his task for a moment.

"Yeah, we had a class together at college. You're Ben." she said against her better judgement. She desperately wanted to know what happened to Spike and not have small-talk with a classmate.

"Yeah... that's me." he smiled again and look down at the clipboard in his hand. "You came in with… William Rayne?"

Buffy nodded. "What's wrong with him? Is he..." she couldn't say it. She couldn't even think of saying it.

"Oh... don't worry. He's alive." he chuckled a little, as if it was a joke. "We gave him some sedatives, he's asleep now."

"What... what was wrong with him?" she asked again. Why couldn't the guy just deal the information and stop with the sweet talk.

"Buffy... may I call you Buffy?" The blonde nodded. "I'm afraid to tell you that I suppose your friend tried to kill himself."

Buffy's face fell. That was something she hadn't expected. She hadn't even given that a second thought. "What?" she sank down on one of the chairs again. "How... did you figure?"

"After our first examination that was pretty clear. We had to empty his stomach because we assumed a heavy poising."

"Please... don't give me the med-stuff." Buffy's eyes narrowed. Now, someone was finally talking to her and that guy had to impress her with his knowledge.

"I'm sorry. It's a habit." Ben shrugged and smiled shyly. "You're friend took a heavy amount of painkillers, plus his blood-alcohol was sky-rocketing. And strong medication and booze don't go very well together. And there are the cuts on his chest. He didn't loose as much blood to cause critical condition but the cuts are deep, about 15 stitches all in all."

Buffy sat there in silence. Her thoughts were racing about the facts Ben had given her in rapid succession.

Spike had tried to kill himself. That - standing alone - couldn't be. Okay, so he could be very depressive but considering his state she couldn't blame him. But she had seen him in the last few weeks, they knew each for about three months and she had never thought about any suicidal attitudes. That just wasn't him. He would rather sit there brooding but he would never try to kill himself.
There was no reason.

"Buffy? Are you alright?" Ben asked, putting a hand comfortingly on her shoulder.

"What?" she snapped up from her thoughts. "Yeah... I'm okay. I'm just trying to understand, that's all. Can I... can I see him?" she asked, a hopeful glitter in her eyes.

"As I said, he's asleep now. And I don't think he'll wake up for another 12 hours. We put him to rest so his system can heal from the massive breakdown the painkillers and the alcohol have caused."

"I don't want to talk to him. I just want to see him." she snapped and Ben flinched a little.

"Okay." he nodded hesitantly. "But just one at a time." he pointed at Willow and Tara who were still sitting behind Buffy.

"We'll wait here." Willow nodded with a small smile as Buffy followed the wannabe-doctor.

***

"I've never seen her so worried." Willow sunk back in her chair, crossing her arms over her belly.

"Well, you aren't in a situation like this every day." Tara shrugged a little and slowly caressed her lover's though.

"Yeah... I know. And I... I don't mean to sound mean but, I never thought that Buffy could be that worried. I mean..."

"I know what you're talking about, sweetie. I don't know her that well but I get the feeling that she doesn't show such a big amount of emotions all the time." the blonde nodded and smiled at her girlfriend.

The redhead nodded and lowered her head. She really felt bad thinking that her best friend was an emotional ice-block, but thinking about the past it was kind of true.

"I think she's really concerned about Spike." Tara added after a moment of silence.

"Yeah, you're right. She's constantly talking about him, how they went through the lines and what not. And he is about her. You should have seen him yesterday at the premier."

"I'm so sorry I missed that. But I really didn't want to bring my family to the play. They can be... a little impolite sometimes."

"Don't worry, darling. It was... awesome. But I mean the way was he had looked at her when Buffy came to us after the show. It was as if he was… totally in awe. I don't know." Willow giggled girlishly.

"Yeah, I've seen that look on him some time, too. You think he…"

"And Buffy…? I don't think so. I mean… he got this whole handicap and all…"

"No. I don't mean 'that'." Tara ran a hand over her friends hair and smiled generously. "I mean, do you think that he might… have a crush on her?"

Willow considered that for a long minute. "I don't know. I don't know him that well to tell. I don't know what he's been through. As far as Buffy tells me, he doesn't talk about his past very often. So I don't think, he would tell her that either." She shrugged.

"And... there's something on Buffy's side?"

The redhead shrugged again. "If so, she doesn't tell me or she doesn't know herself yet. But I think she really likes him."

***

Buffy followed the young man down a long hallway. Doors with glass-windows lined the walls to either side. Some of the rooms also had large windows to give a better view on the patient. Only few of the rooms were occupied.

Ben led her down almost to the end of the corridor and pointed towards the room on the right, one with a window.

Buffy stepped forward. She almost felt as if she was expecting to see something horrible and run away screaming.

Spike lay in the only bed in the room, an IV to one side and some other machinery gathered around the head of the bed.

"Can I…?" she pointed towards the room.

Ben nodded reluctantly. "If you make it short. He needs as much rest as he can get now."

Buffy didn't answer. She just pushed the door open and went inside.

The room smelled. Not the real nasty stench kind of thing, it just smelled. It smelled of hospital, disinfectants and other cleansing materials and something she couldn't fathom.
She had never liked hospitals, seeing her cousin dying in one added another childhood trauma to it.

The blonde stepped up to the bed. Spike was almost as pale as the sheets. Even his platinum blond hair seemed colourful in comparison. He had an oxygen tube running under his nose and the IV needle stuck in the back of his left hand.
He had some sort of clip on the index finger of his right hand. To monitor his pulse, Buffy assumed, since the machine next to her beeped in a steady but slow rhythm.

She moved carefully although she knew she wouldn't wake him up. She just wanted to please the guy on the other side of the window. She knew that he was watching her so she wouldn't do anything inappropriate.

Slowly she placed her trembling hand on Spike's arm. He felt cold to her touch, almost… dead. But he wasn't. That was good. A stray tear ran down her cheek.

"Hey." she whispered softly. She knew he wouldn't hear her but it felt good to say it. "I'm here, okay? You're going to be alright." she knew it was foolish, she just had to say something, letting him know that she wouldn't leave him alone. If he had really tried to kill himself, she wouldn't want to leave him alone in any case.

"Buffy?" Ben spoke softy not to startle her. "I think it's enough for now."

Buffy nodded even more reluctantly. "Yeah." she followed him out of the room, glancing back at Spikes still form.

"You should go home now. Get some rest, too."

"No. I want to stay here. I don't want to leave him alone." she said in a pleading tone.

"Buffy. You can't do anything for him right now. What he needs is rest. Why don't you get some yourself. It's only for the best."

"No." her tone was hard as granite when she spoke again.

Ben flinched at the harsh words. "Well, why don't you go and get your friend some cloths then?" he offered, trying to smile but failed.

Buffy considered that. Spike would need something to wear when he woke up again. Hospital scrubs weren't very stylish after all. So she nodded with enough hesitation to show Ben that she really didn't like leaving the young man alone.

"Okay. Shall I brink his wheelchair, too, or do you have a spare one here?" Well duh, Buffy. You're in a hospital.

"He's in a wheelchair?" Ben asked incredulously.

"Well... yeah. Did the guys on the ambulance tell you? He had an accident a couple of years ago."

There was a moment of silence between them until Ben finally spoke again. "Well, you don't need to bring one. We have plenty around here, I guess. Not that I'll let him out of that bed so soon but…" he gave her another comforting smile.

"Okay... I'll be back in about an hour than."

Buffy went back to the waiting area. She would be back in less then an hour if she could manage.

Spinning the Wheel 19 - Closing In

Buffy entered Spike's apartment for the second time this year and the second she opened the door she had an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew that wasn't there but the pictures were too fresh in her mind to ignore them.

Tried to kill himself. Ben's words raced in her mind. She just couldn't believe it.
She had been with Spike yesterday and he didn't seem like he was going to be slashing his wrists the moment she didn't look. He seemed more happy than in the weeks before. But then, suddenly this woman had appeared. What was her name? Harmony.

Buffy had sensed that something was going on between them the second the blonde had appeared on the doorstep. She should have stayed with them until the woman was gone.
She could bet that she had her hands in that. Not that she had convinced Spike to go all suicidal all of a sudden but she had something to do with it, Buffy was more than sure of that.

With a sigh she pushed the door close.
Willow had brought her here and was now waiting downstairs in the car. She didn't want a million people running around in his apartment. She remembered how much effort it had cost Spike just to ask her if she would come over again and to give her the key. It just didn't feel right to her to bring up other people. Even if they were friends.

Clothes. Spike needed some clothes. But were did he keep them? Well, probably a closet but she hadn't seen one. How weird was that?

First she looked in the bathroom for some clean clothes but there were none. What about that door down the hall? She had noticed it a couple of times before but was too shy to ask. Was that his bedroom? If so, could she just go in there and roam through his stuff? Well, he didn't have to know, right?

But as it turned out, the door was locked.
More weird.

Why would anybody lock their bedrooms? Well, if you had a really heavy paranoia but... why would Spike lock his bedroom door? Was this room even in use? She had seen him folding a blanket on the couch. Was he sleeping there?

Thoughts were circling in her mind. She couldn't puzzle it out. It was a little too much right now.
Almost suicides and looked bedrooms weren't the stuff she was usually dealing with.
She would have to ask him about that when he woke up again.

But first she had to find some clothes.

So she went over to his little gym and discovered a pair of almost fresh sweat pants and a t-shirt folded on a chair. This would have to do for now. And she wouldn't want to let Willow wait any longer. Tara had stayed behind at the hospital in case there were some news.

With a last glance back into the apartment, she shut the door behind her and skipped down the stairs. The sun outside shone a little too bright in her eyes as though it was mocking her. The temperature had dropped a little since it was the end of October and a cool wind chilled her a little.
But still, it was a bright sunshiny day and it just didn't feel right.

Buffy watched the sky for a minute, then went over to Willow's car and got in.

"You got everything?" the redhead asked as she started the engine.

"Guess so." Buffy held up the bundle of clothing she had picked from the apartment. "These were the only clothes I could find. He's bedroom was locked."

"It was what?"

"Yeah, I don't know." she shrugged. "This was the first time I tried that door and it wouldn't open."

"Why would anybody lock up their bedrooms?" Willow asked and frowned but didn't take her eyes off the road. Since Buffy's little accident she drove even more carefully.

"Guess what I thought. I don't know. And I have other things to worry about right now." The blonde's gaze drifted out the window and she watched the houses rush by.

"Do you have any idea why he did that? Trying to kill himself, I mean." Willow struggled to ask but her talk with Tara had shaken up some thoughts.

"No." Buffy's voice sounded more harsh than she had intended. "I mean, you've seen him, right? He didn't seem like he would do that, right?"

"I don't know if you can judge that. I've never talked to anybody who tried to kill himself. I don't know what causes these thoughts."

"God, I wish…" she rubbed her eyes as she felt fresh tears rising. "I wish he would just talk to me. But whenever things come close to his past he just... shuts down. He never talks about his music, his band or his girlfriend. I don't know… what's going on with him." her voice had an almost pleading edge to it and she had to whip away a few tears.

"You didn't ask him about that?"

"No. I couldn't He would know that I checked him out on the internet. That wouldn't be… he would hate me. I can't risk that."

Willow's lips quirked into an almost smile but she hid it from Buffy's view. Yeah, there was something going on between them. Definitely. They were just too blind and too stubborn to see it.

***

Tara stood outside of Spike's room, watching his still form with slightly narrow eyes as if he was supposed to leap out of bed and flee any second.

"Hey." Willow greeted her and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

"You're already back?" It was more a statement than a question and the blonde smiled kindly.

"Anything new?" Buffy asked a little impatiently. She didn't realize how she clutched the bundle of clothing against her chest and tapped her foot on the floor.

"No, he's still asleep and didn't even stir." Tara confirmed what was all but visible for all of them.

"Okay." Buffy nodded. "You guys don't need to stay here. Just... drive by my moms and tell her where I am. She doesn't have to worry."

"You want to stay here?" Willow asked a little concerned.

"That's the least I can do. I don't… want him to be alone when he wakes up." She knew she was sounding almost like an overly concerned mom who was waiting for her child to wake up from a surgery but it was only true. She didn't want to leave him now.

"Okay. We'll tell your mom then. But if you need anything..." the redhead's voice trailed off.

"I'll give you a call, of course." Buffy pulled her friend into a tight comforting hug.

"Say 'hi' from me when he wakes up, okay?" Tara hugged her, too.

"I will. Thank you guys for coming by."

"Always." Willow gave her a pat on the shoulder and the two women went down the corridor.

***

Buffy knew that she should have told Ben or another full-fledged doctor about it but she didn't want to waste more time standing about.

So she just pushed the door open and went inside. She laid the clothes on one of the chairs, pulled another close to the bed and sat down.

For a few minutes she was just watching Spike.

It was all so weird, it didn't make any sense. This day had started so great and now she was sitting in the hospital and watching her friend recovering from an attempted suicide. It was as if her world was turned upside down within an hour.

Carefully she pulled the chair a little bit closer to the bed. She hated just sitting there, unable to do anything. So she reached out with her hand and placed it slowly over his.

The second she touched his cool skin, new tears sprung up in her eyes and she had to stifle a sob. Her thumb brushed lights over the back of his fingers.

"Why did you do that?" her voice was hoarse as she tried to whisper against her tears. "Why didn't you talk to me?"

She didn't realize how she started to rant a little. But it felt good just to sit there and talk to him. He wouldn't answer, she knew that, but it didn't feel that bad to see him lying there.
She was just wondering if he would hear her or feel her touch his skin. He probably didn't but at least she didn't feel that helpless after all.

She had always been the kind of person who needed to do something. She hated just sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Not that she would jump into every available action when she could do something she was there. Especially when her friends were concerned.

Back then when Willow had that big bag childhood trauma of dying pets, she had been there. When Xander had his troubles with his parents again, she had been there. And now she was there again, sitting here, watching Spike sleep.

But still. It didn't make any sense. Why would he do that? Or maybe it had just been an accident, she tried to convince herself. But accidents like that didn't happen. You just didn't take too many pills, mix them up with strong alcohol and cut your chest with a kitchen knife.

Suddenly his croaked words came popping up in her mind. 'I tried to cut it out.' What was that about? He had pressed her hand on his chest, saying that. Had he tried to cut his heart out? That wasn't only horrible, it was one of the worst things Buffy had ever thought about. Why would anybody get such an idea?

They needed to talk when he was stable enough.

TBC...

Spinning the Wheel 20 - Discovery

Buffy didn't know how many hours had passed since she had slumped down in the hospital chair.
She had her hand still placed over Spike's and was still trying to find more soothing words.
She didn't do that just to let him know that she was there - he hadn't even stirred in the last few hours - but it was also to convince her that everything was going to be alright, that he would make it.

Some of her words hadn't been that nice. She'd called him a bonehead a couple of times for being so stupid and stubborn. But most of her words had been kind, caring. What if he could really hear her? And what if others could hear her? She would be embarrassed out of her mind.

Suddenly, her stomach quailed in protest.
Right, she hadn't had breakfast, she hadn't even had a drink yet. She hadn't realized her hunger before but now is was coming down on her full force.
She had to get something to eat but she didn't want to leave Spike alone.

She had been so caught up in sitting there and watching him that she hadn't noticed that Ben had been watching her through the window in the wall.
It had taken him a while to gather up his courage to knock carefully on the door and step inside the room.

"Hey." he smiled kindly.

Buffy looked up at him slight surprise and just nodded for an answer.

"I told you I don't appreciate you being here." he told her. He didn't want to jump right into it.

"And I told you I wasn't leaving him alone." she said in a firm tone.

Ben could only nod at that. She had such a resolved look on her face that it wouldn't do him any good to try to convince her.

Buffy held his gaze for a couple of seconds, making her point clear then she turned back towards Spike. Again, her stomach growled in protest and she pressed the other hand against her belly.

"You sound hungry."

"I haven't had breakfast yet." she said in a calm voice, memory of her supposed-to-be breakfast came rushing back.

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon."

"Yeah."

"Buffy... don't jump at my throat when I say this now but… the doctor's coming here any minute, doing his visits. And he really doesn't like people standing about the room when he does that.
And... since you seem pretty starved... how about I take you to the cafeteria and get you lunch." He hesitated for a moment, then added, "with me."

The blonde took a minute to consider that. She didn't want to go and leave Spike to some doctor she hadn't even talked to until now but she was indeed totally starved.

"Okay." she nodded. She raised slowly, stretching her legs. She gave Spike's hand a light squeeze. "I'll be back soon." she whispered and followed Ben out of the room.

***

The cafeteria was pretty crowded around lunch time but they finally found an empty table.
Once she sat, Buffy started wolfing down the plate of paste Ben had insisted on paying for her.

"So…" he began slowly. "You two are pretty close, huh?"

Buffy half nodded, half shrugged at that, chewing on her pasta. What was that question supposed to be?

"How long have you two been together?"

She almost choked but caught herself and swallowed before answering. "What?"

"Since when are you a couple?… If that's... not too personal. I'm sorry, I take this whole psych stuff a little too serious sometimes."

"No..." Buffy raised a hand. "It's okay. We're... we're not together. We're just friends. I... ehm… I kinda crashed into him with my car. We met during the very entertaining Social Service hours."

"That's why he's in the wheelchair?"

"No." Buffy exclaimed. "God, no. That wasn't me. That was three years ago. We just know each for about three month now."

Ben had to stifle the release of relief breath. So that guy wasn't her boyfriend. Not that he would have guessed that a beautiful young woman would fall for that guy but you never knew. But did she have another guy somewhere?

"Buffy... do you know why your friend tried killing himself?" he asked after a while, watching Buffy eat.

"If I knew I'd kick his ass for it. I just…" again, the memory leapt into her mind, seeing him there, seeing the look on his face. "I found him this morning. We wanted to have breakfast together.
He... seemed okay yesterday. He was with me at the play in college."

"You did 'MacBeth'?" he asked surprised.

"Got me there, yeah." she blushed a little. "I walked him home, made the appointment for this morning and you know the rest of the story." she tried to hide that she was close to tears again.

"Did you know that he was talking painkillers?"

"I saw them in his bathroom once but... I didn't ask him about that and he... he doesn't talk about that stuff."

"We... ehm... we made a drug screening and it was pretty clear that he had taken them over a long period of time now, in increasing amounts. And not just the light stuff to numb a migraine."

Buffy sat there over a minute, trying to comprehend. This conversation took a whole different turn.
She hadn't expected Ben to tell her all this but besides that - and that was a lot worse - she hadn't expected Spike to NOT tell her. She couldn't deny that sharp little pang of anger in her heart, she felt betrayed, disappointed and hurt that he wasn't talking to her about this.

He himself had said it was good to talk to someone so why didn't he? That wasn't making any sense. And the urge to talk to him grew to a necessity. Too bad that she couldn't yell at him when he woke up because the more she thought about it the more angry she became.

"Buffy? You okay?" Ben tried to look her in the eyes and she snapped out of her thoughts.

"What?" she looked at him, a little startled. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just... he didn't tell me about that and I'm... disappointed, that's all." she sighed and dropped her fork onto the half-empty plate. She wasn't hungry anymore.

"I'm sorrry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought that you might want to know that." he said, an honest expression on his face.

"Yeah… thank you." she mumbled. She had lost every interest in the conversation. All she wanted was to talk to Spike. Finally. But it would still take hours for him to wake up.

***

Those hours passed. Buffy still sat in the chair beside that bed, her legs drawn beneath her. But she kept her hands to herself this time. Disappointment and anger went hand in hand inside her.

She was very disappointed that he didn't talk to her and it drove her to anger. But she was also angry at herself for having these thoughts right now. He had tried to kill himself and she was angry. It was just too weird.

A careful knock on the door startled her and she looked up, only to see her mother standing outside the room with the typical maternal concern on her face.

Buffy leapt out of her chair - happy to see another familiar face - and left the room to pull Joyce into a tight hug.

"God, Buffy. I was so worried when Willow told me you were at the hospital. I almost feared the worst." her mother mumbled into her hair.

"No, mom. I'm okay." she hugged her even tighter. It felt good to see her and to hold her for a moment. She was drained from the hours of waiting and not knowing what to do.

"What happened?"

Buffy filled her mother in on what had happened that day. The woman's eyes were wide with shock. "God, that's so horrible. I mean… he looked okay yesterday."

"I know." Buffy gaze drifted back to Spike in the room. He was a riddle. A god damn riddle on wheels.

"Buffy, do you want to come home? It's late." Joyce patted her daughter's shoulder comfortingly.

"I'd rather stay here." the blonde said, her voice almost a whisper.

"But you don't look so good yourself. How about I take you home and you take a long, hot bath and I bring you back here in the morning. There is nothing you can do right now."

Her mother was right. She was tired and exhausted. Her muscles ached from being curled up on the chair and she was developing some serious headache from thinking. So she nodded finally.

***

The hot bath was soaking through her muscles and it felt so good.

Buffy leaned her head back against the wall of the bathtub and inhaled the warm, peachy steam from the hot water. After a whole day of being coiled up like a spring she could finally relax a little.
The day had been hell and this was heaven.

Despite herself, tear started spilling down her cheeks. They just burst out of her as if finally leaning back had opened something inside her.
She had tried to be strong the whole day, being strong when Spike had been weak.

Buffy covered her eyes with one hand, tried to wash the tears away with the soapy water.
Her sobs echoed in the bathroom as she sat there, weeping. All the pent up fear came crashing down on her now, it hit her like punches in the stomach.

He had almost died today. If it hadn't been for her, he would still lay there on his living-room floor. The thought about that made her only cry harder until she thought she would never stop.

After about half an hour of weeping and sobbing, her tear finally subsided. The water was getting cold, so she stood and wrapped her fluffy towel around her.

Her room was comfortable warm as she slipped into her pj pants and a plain white top. She curled into her bed, wrapping the blanket around her. But sleep wouldn't come. Instead, she shed a few more tears silently into her pillow.

***

Spike awoke a little more than two hours after Buffy had left, almost at the same time as she sat in her bathtub, crying.

The room was dark expect the yellow light of a night-lamp over his head. A constant beeping sound pulled him back into reality. His head pounding as if someone was having his wicked way on a kettle-drum. His stomach felt like a lump of cold wax inside his belly and his knees were like jell-o. He couldn't move his arms nor his head.

For several minute he just lay there, tried to get his brain into function again.

He was awake. He was not dead. He had failed. Again.

As he felt his moveable part of his body respond to his will, he carefully raised one hand and felt the twinge of the IV-needle in the back of his hand. Then, after another gathering of strength and will, he lifted his head, tried to ignore the pounding, and looked at his surroundings.

Hospital, he recognized it. He was at a hospital again. There was probably nothing he hated more than hospitals. Too long had he been trapped in one to love them.

Just at the corner of the shadow the lamp overhead cast into the room, he saw the pile of clothing on one of the chairs. His clothing. The other chair was pulled close to the bed, down by the other hand that wasn't responding so well yet.

Someone must have been there, someone must have brought him clothes. Someone. Buffy. Of course, it had to be. She was the only one with a key and he fairly remember her being there at his apartment right before he blackened out again.

Had she been here, too? At his room, beside his bed?

Somewhere, stuffed back in his mind, he knew that she had been there. He had felt her presence, had felt her hand on his, even though he couldn't picture it. It was weird. He hadn't seen it, hadn't consciously felt it but he knew that she had been there with him, the whole day. As if some kind of instinct was telling him so.

It was assuring on one hand. But almost impossible on the other.

Why would she care so much? What reason did she have to stay at his bed for hours? Why did she even call the damn ambulance in time?

Tears stung his eyes as the thoughts crept back into his mind again. They were like some sort of taint inside him, staining him, not letting him free no matter how hard he tried.
They had been there since Cecily had humiliate him about ten years ago. Her words were like a scar on his soul, something that wouldn't heal despite the time that passed. And when Harmony had left him, she had torn the wound open again, making it bleed and stain the sheets again.
And the exact same thing had happened yesterday. With a clawing words, she had ripped this vulnerable part into shreds.

He wasn't good enough for them, never had been and would never be. That was all he could think of right now.

Useless. Worthless. Beneath.

Spinning the Wheel 21 - Empty

Buffy entered the hospital with her hands clamped over her purse. She had drawn this out as long as she could and now it was almost late afternoon. She knew that Spike had probably been awake since that morning and that she had to visit him but for some irrational reason she was afraid of seeing him.

She knew that they had to talk; after what had happened it was inevitable. And she wanted to talk about it. She needed to know what had driven him into killing himself. Or at least trying to. She wanted to ask him so many questions but she also knew that she couldn't.

There were things she knew but couldn't talk about or he would find out that she had looked him up. She didn't want to risk that since he was unstable enough at the moment.
But when she talked to him now, something might slip.

That, and the things he might tell her, scared her a little. That was what had kept her away almost the entire day. She had sat in her room, thinking about what had happened and what might have been the reason for it. But she couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation.

So her mother had finally dropped her off and now she stood in the hallway of the hospital.

The way to Spike's room seemed longer than before as if it stretched out before her with every step she took.

***

The room seemed brighter than the day before, more lit.

For about a minute she just stood outside the window, watching him. Spike lay on his side, facing away from the door, and seemed to be asleep. At least he had moved since she'd been there last. That was something.

Carefully, Buffy entered the room and let the door slip shut. She didn't want to startle him, so she padded on silent feet over to the bed.

"Spike?" she asked quietly.

No reaction. He didn't even flinch.

A little hesitantly, she placed her hand over his, which was resting on his hip. It was warmer than before but she still felt a little awkward touching him. The other day he had been unconscious and she wanted to let him know that she was there and now it somehow felt strange. She couldn't explain the feeling that was coursing through her, but it was there nonetheless.

"Spike?" she asked again. "You awake?"

Still nothing.

With a curious frown, she pulled her hand back and stepped around the bed, only to find him totally awake. Now that was strange.

He lay there on his side, one hand on his hip, the other under his head, and was staring ahead with pale blue eyes.

"Hey. You're awake. Why didn't you say anything?" she asked, her voice a little more cheerful than before... but she had the sinking feeling that something was wrong. And when he didn't answer, the suspicion grew.

His eyes didn't seem to focus on anything; he almost looked as if he was blind. They weren't as blue as usual, just a much paler shade, and they were massively bloodshot as if he'd cried all day. But there wasn't any emotion showing in them.

Usually, Spike's eyes were full of life and whole lot of other expressions, whether it was anger, joy or sadness. It was in plain sight in his eyes as if projected on a screen. He couldn't hide anything. Just one look and you knew if he wanted to laugh or yell at you.

But today… there was nothing. They were totally blank of expression. As if somebody had switched off a light, leaving everything inside in darkness.

And that was what scared Buffy more than anything. He looked as if somebody had drained the life right out of him, leaving nothing but emptiness.

"Spike?" she asked for a third time, her voice shaking with something best described as fear.

It was then that she caught a movement out of the corner of her eye and looked up from her friend's still form.

Ben stood in front of the glass window, watching her, and he waved to come out when she looked up at him. With a last glance down at Spike, she retreated from the bed and left the room.

***

"Hi, Buffy. I didn't know you were here again." the young man gave her one of those kind doctor-smiles.

"How long has he been awake?" she asked right away, ignoring his weak attempt to flirt with her.

"Since last night." Ben immediately dropped back into his medical-routine as he realised that Buffy had other things in mind just then. "One of the nurses went to check on him a few hours after you left. He was awake and could move again, but he wouldn't talk to her. Or any of the other nurses. He's been like that since breakfast was served."

"He doesn't talk to anyone?" Buffy asked, her voice shaking a little more. What was wrong with him? The more she got to know, the more it scared her.

"No. Not to me or any other doctor, nor to the nurses. Not a single word, and he didn't eat anything, either. We had to put an extra IV in to supply the necessary vitamins."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. Two days ago, everything had been alright. And now… she didn't know what was going on now. Spike was behaving like a totally different person, attempted suicide notwithstanding.

"But he's alright, isn't he? Physically, I mean?" she asked, fear now more and more audible in her voice.

"Yeah. His system is back to average standard and when the nurse checked his wounds, they seemed to be okay. We don't have an explanation for why he's almost catatonic. I first thought that he might talk to you, but…" Ben shrugged and pointed through the window at Spike's still unmoving form. "Do you have any explanation?"

Buffy turned, facing the window, and crossed her arms over her chest. She had to bite her lip to keep it from trembling and new tears began to spill down her cheeks. Instead of giving him an answer, she just shook her head.

"Maybe we should consult one of our psychiatrists. We have some good people."

"No." Buffy burst out, her voice suddenly hard as granite. "I mean.. I don't think he would talk to them either. I'm.. I'm his only friend.. sort of. When he talks to anybody, he will talk to me. Maybe… he just needs more time. I don't know." She shook her head again. She didn't know where those determined thoughts came from, but she knew somehow that she was right.

"Okay… if you say so. But we can't help him if he doesn't cooperate with us."

"Just…" Buffy turned around, facing Ben again. "Leave him alone for a while, okay? Do your checks, whatever you need to do, but no psych-guys, please."

Ben nodded. He sensed that any 'but' would be useless with her now.

"Thanks." Buffy smiled. For the first time that day. "I think.. I'll come back to tomorrow and check on him, okay? If anything happens.. call me, will you?"

"Sure. We've got your number."

The blonde nodded, shot a last glance at Spike, then turned and left the hospital.

Ben was watching her on her way. He really liked her and he wouldn't mind asking her out on a date, but something told him that it was useless. There was already somebody else.

Spinning the Wheel 22 - Confessions

The next day had brightened up; the sun was shining and it wasn't so chilly anymore. Buffy wore a long-sleeved white shirt with some sort of print on it and a tight, dark blue skirt that went down to her knees along with a pair of high-heeled black boots.

The heels made clicking sounds on the linoleum as she walked down the corridor of the hospital.
Ben had called her this morning, telling her that Spike had asked for a wheelchair and wanted to get out of that room.

As she reached aforementioned room, she found it empty. The blanket and the pillow were rumpled as if somebody had just gotten up from the bed.

"He's in the yard," said a voice behind Buffy and the blonde whipped around, her breath hitching in her throat.

She found Ben standing behind her, his hands holding a clipboard behind his back. He wore a smile on his lips but had a somehow sad shimmer around his eyes.

"God.." Buffy exclaimed, trying to bring her heartbeat down to a normal speed. "Have you ever heard that it is totally impolite to sneak up on other people?" But she was smiling when she said it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"So he's out of that 'I'll pout like a baby and won't talk to anyone' thing?" It was supposed to sound like a joke but Buffy knew that it wasn't. She'd spent the rest of the previous day thinking about Spike and what might have caused his totally catatonic state. She had no idea. And thinking of the inevitable talk only made things worse.

"More or less. The nurse refused to check on him afterwards but at least he's talking and eating again. That's progress." Ben smiled again. He never stopped smiling, did he?

"Can I see him?" Buffy asked cautiously. Somehow she wished the answer would be no.

"Of course. Come on, I show you the way."

***

They made their way in silence through the hospital and Buffy was grateful for it. She didn't want to answer more questions she didn't have an answer to. She was here to find those answers.

"There you go." Ben kicked the door to the yard open with his foot and waited for Buffy to go through.

"Thank you." she turned back to the young man and smiled kindly.

"Buffy.. there is something I need to tell you. You might want to know it first."

Buffy's face took on an alarmed look and she turned fully around.
"What?" Was there something wrong with Spike she didn't know about yet?

"No need to worry," Ben assured her, and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's just… we did a couple of tests this morning. After what you told me about his accident and considering the medication he gets, I became a little curious. So I gave it a try and tested the… flow of nerves in his legs. I was checking for any activity. And as far as I can see it.. there might be a chance that he'll be able to walk again. The nerves are rebuilding, but very very slowly. I also think that - with the heavy medication he took - he blocked the process. I can't tell for sure but that's what I think. I thought you should know that."

Buffy stared at him, her mind reeling with the newly gained information. Then, a stupid smile spread across her face. That was a whole new different twist in the story. If he could walk again, then maybe… the thought came to an abrupt halt as she heard herself saying, "Thanks, Ben."

"You're welcome. I wanted to tell him this afternoon but maybe you can now." He smiled again, turned around and disappeared into the hospital.

Buffy watched him for a moment, then turned around and went out into the garden-like yard. It reminded her a little of her old high school, with the trees, the benches, and the fountain in the middle. After a few steps she discovered Spike sitting underneath a tree. He just sat there, staring down at the paved path, and the sun shone on his face. She hesitated for a moment before she approached him and sat down on the bench beside him.

"Hey." She tried to smile but failed; the memories were too fresh to laugh about.

But he didn't answer. Just like the day before, he turned away from her. She saw the muscles in his jaw flexing as he set his mouth in an angry line.

Buffy frowned for a moment, but more than confusion, she felt a pang of disappointment. She had so many questions and no answers. He hadn't talked to her when he had the chance to and considering that they were friends she had every right to be disappointed.

"So.." she began after a while. She had to get him talking or she would go insane with the possibilities that came lurking in her thoughts. "Are you going to talk to me about this or do I have to guess?"

"Leave me alone," he suddenly grunted, but still didn't look at her.

"No." Buffy replied in a calm tone. Not like that, buster.

"I said. Leave. Me. Alone." Now Spike shot her an angry glare from the corner of his eye.

"No." she repeated in exactly the same voice and shook her head slightly. So guessing it was. She was not going to let him through with this. "It's about that woman, right? That.. Harmony?" she asked out of the blue. It was a suspicion, nothing more, but it was something to begin with.

"That's none of your business," he snapped.

That did it. Buffy leapt to her feet, throwing her hands in the air. "God damn it, Spike. It is my god damn business. You made it my business when I found you sprawled on your living-room floor with a very colorful variety of body-fluids decorating you. So don't give me that shit - tell me what the hell is wrong with you." She slumped down on the bench again, burying her face in her hands. Tears stung her eyes. His ignoring her hurt more than anything else. Why wasn't he trusting her with this? "God.. I.. I was so scared. Have you any idea what it felt like? Seeing you there? Not able to do anything? I was so damn scared I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even sleep the night after. But I guess that doesn't mean anything, huh?" She rose again, took her purse, and had started walking away from him when he called after her.

"Buffy?" His eyes still hovered over the ground but at least he had turned towards her. Buffy spun on her heel and looked at him in surprise, her eyes still red with the unspilled tears. "I'm sorry." A cloud of shame slid over his face as he glanced up at the young woman. He wanted to tell her but… he was embarrassed and he couldn't tell her everything. It would probably scare her even more and make her laugh. Both would be the end.

"Tell me about it." Buffy sat down again, her voice wavering a little but it had a warm tone. She wiped a stray tear away and looked at him although he was trying hard to avert her gaze.

"It.." He took a deep breath as if preparing for a long speech. "It.. was about her, she was.. part of it." He hesitated.

"Who is she?" Buffy asked after he didn't continue.

"She's.. my ex. After the accident, they brought me to LA - to a rehabilitation clinic. Harmony.. was a nurse there and for some insane reason she fell for me." Buffy gasped at that. This skanky ho was a nurse? That had to be a joke. "When they let me out, she.. volunteered.. to stay with me, take care of me, get me through the first weeks. But all she really wanted was.. to get in my bed. I.. told her.. that I couldn't…" He made a vague gesture with his hand before he continued. God, this was worse than pulling teeth. "And she left.. telling me that… I was pathetic.. nothing.."

He was close to tears, his voice quivering audibly, but he wouldn't give in. Not in front of her. There had to be that much dignity left for him.

"And when she came back yesterday, her words made a repeato-vision, too, huh?" Buffy asked, staring down at her hands, clutching her purse. Somehow she wished that he hadn't told her. Well, the truth was better than her guessing but.. it depressed her even more. What was that bitch thinking? She would bet anything that this ho hadn't the slightest idea what she was doing or saying.

Spike just nodded, rubbing the bridge of his nose, and absently wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Hm, seems like I'm that pathetic after all." he tried to cover his real emotion with a forced chuckle and a lame joke.

When you believe that, you are, yeah, Buffy almost blurted at him. Her depression had changed into rage all of a sudden. She was angry at that bitch Harmony for strutting around like god's gift and saying those things... it was bugging the hell out of her - just like when you see a bunch of five-year-olds picking on the puppies at the pet store. It makes you really angry although it's just a small thing. But this wasn't even a small thing. And if she could see that woman right now she'd probably kick her ass for it.

"What?" Spike looked up at her, irritated. He could see and almost feel how she tensed up beside him. She was angry. Big time.

"You believed her, didn't you? You believe what she said to you?" Her brows formed an angry line as she looked at him now.

"And why wouldn't I?" he shot back, quirking an eyebrow at her as if it was the most stupid question in the world.

"Huh?" Buffy asked, equally irritated. What exactly was he talking about now?

Spike snorted. "You don't understand."

"Why don't you explain it then?" she asked impatiently. This question-and-answer game was getting exhausting and it made her more and more angry. Why wasn't he just spilling what was on his mind?

"I can't…" he hesitated, looked down at his hands for a moment before his eyes drifted back up to hers again. This was torture. Why was she doing this to him? "See.. like this… I can't.. run after you when we fight. I can't take a walk in the park. I can't crawl into bed with yo… with a woman when I come home. I can't kneel down in front of her.. when I want to marry her.." He couldn't continue and looked away from her, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He could only hope that she hadn't heard his little slip. He had never thought that he would ever tell her or any person on the planet about this but he couldn't deny the slight relief he felt now.

"That's all?" Buffy tried to make her voice sound firm but she couldn't hide her surprise. Not only had he finally told her something but she had indeed noticed the little slip. What was going on here?

"Yeah, that's all. Sorry if there isn't any further depth for you to analyse, I'm as simple as that." Yeah, so he was a hell of a liar. All he wanted to was to cover his god damn insecurity.

"Do you think that matters? All those things? If those are reasons for you to go and kill yourself, than you are as pathetic as Harmony said." He turned to stare at her incredulously but she continued. "Do you think I would be here if I cared about that? Do you think any of this means something?" She couldn't stand his look any longer and lowered her gaze, staring down at her shoes. "I'm here.. cause I care about you, cause I care about… what we.. what we have. Since we met I.. I have changed and you know that as well as I do. I think different about a few things, see them different. I've done things I wouldn't have given a second thought before. Like that play? I wouldn't have made it without you, without what you said. That's what matters to me. You.. matter to me. But if that's not enough…" She sighed deeply and tried to force back her own tears.

Spike looked at her for probably a minute without saying anything. He didn't know what to think. She'd never given him such a speech. Actually, nobody had ever given him such a speech, and he didn't know how to handle it. He had never thought that he would matter to her so much. It warmed up something inside, made him feel good in a way, but at the same it fueled the doubt he had. Why would she care about a guy like him? Why would he matter to her so much? But he couldn't ask her that. It was enough to have to deal with what she just said; he didn't want to dig any further, and he had to try to understand her words himself first.

Despite himself, he reached out and placed a hand carefully on hers, so they were both resting on her thigh now. Her fingers felt cold beneath his and out of sheer reflex, his thumb slightly stroked over the back of her hand.

Buffy tensed up even more beside him and stared at their hands for a moment. She felt his fingers trembling slightly as if he was afraid to touch her, to hurt her.

"Thank you." His voice wasn't more than a whisper and he couldn't gather up the strength to look at her. It was hard enough as it was, but looking into her tear-brimmed eyes would make him want to run away screaming - even if he couldn't do that, actually. "Thank you, for.. staying with and.. for.. everything. I'm sorry that.. you had to go through all this. I.. didn't mean.. to hurt you. I was just…"

"You're welcome." She cut him off. She knew that he hadn't enough energy left to go through with this. She knew it from the way his hand became colder against hers. Despite herself, she turned her hand and entwined her fingers with his, squeezing his hand slightly. "It's okay."

They sat there for a moment in complete silence. Neither of them dared to say a word and break the obvious connection building betweem them, a connection built through understanding and honesty.

"Mr. Rayne? Dinner will be served in ten minutes. If you'll return to your room, please?" A nurse had appeared behind them and they both jumped at her sudden words, their hands slipping apart.

"Yeah, sure." Spike nodded at her, a slow smile on his lips, and watched the nurse go.

"Dinner? It's just 5pm." Buffy exclaimed and stood. She felt a warm blush creep onto her cheeks. They had never been this close before, close not only on the physical level.

"Tell me about it. Hospital rules. Get up early, turn in even earlier." Spike shrugged and pulled back from the bench and onto the paved walk.

***

Back at his room, he already found a tray with a neatly cut sandwich, a glass of water and a little bowl of green jell-o.

"Great, if some disease doesn't kill you, this stuff will for sure." He snorted in disgust, rolled beside the bed, thumbed down the brakes of the wheelchair and lifted himself up into the bed.

"Yeah, I remember when my cousin was in the hospital. I always brought her chocolate." Buffy sat in the chair that was still standing close to the bed.

"You could bring me some chocolate, you know. Would make my day a whole lot brighter." he smiled at her, the first smile today.

"I'm on it." She returned the smile brightly.

"You want this?" He pointed at the jell-o. "I hate this stuff. I don't know why they serve it to people who are already sick."

"Sure." Buffy grabbed the bowl and the spoon and started wolfing down the wobbly substance. "You know, I think you're getting better pretty fast. You're already complaining again."

"Seems like. I've been in enough hospitals for a lifetime, maybe I have special healing powers."

"Oh!" Buffy's eyes went wide at the mentioning of 'healing'. "There's something you need to know."

"What? Where does all the shock come from now?" He frowned at her.

"Ben.. the doctor told me that you might be able to walk again."

"What? If this if a joke, it's definitely not funny."

"No, I'm not joking. He told me before I talked to you and I.. forgot to tell you. He said that the painkillers you take might block the restoration of the nerves in your legs or whatever. They are rebuilding, slowly, but they are."

"Uh-huh." Spike nodded, staring at nothing for a moment. His mind reeled with the new information. Being able to walk again? That would be…wow.

"Is that all you're saying?" Buffy looked at him expectantly.

"Uh-uh. I mean.. I'm just trying to comprehend. I mean.. they told me that I never.. I just don't want to be too euphoric just now."

"Okay…" she drew out the word. She couldn't deny that she was a little disappointed about his lack of reaction. Even she was happy and she had no idea what it must feel like.

He ate in silence for a while. If he could walk again.. that would add a whole other perspective to about everything. He could go back to his band, play concerts, get famous, he could even have a girlfriend again. He could live again. But it was way too early to dream about anything like that. He didn't want to have any hopes about something huge like that, he would be even more disappointed if it didn't work out in the end.

"You know what? I guess I'll head home. I still have some nasty homework to do." Buffy stood after a while.

"Will you.. be back tomorrow?" he asked carefully, taking a sip from the stale water.

"Sure. I'll try and sneak in some chocolate." She beamed at him. "Thanks for the jell-o and.. goodnight."

"Are you making fun of me?" he tried to mock-glare at her but failed.

"A little." she giggled girlishly. "See you tomorrow then." She turned on her heel and left the room.

***

It was still warm outside when she left the hospital. What had happened between them today? She had probably given him the speech of her life; she wasn't used to being so honest and it scared her a little. And the way their fingers had been entwined, the way they looked at each other..

It was all a little bit too much. She couldn't quite understand any of it, any of her feelings. She just knew that it felt good, too good.

***

Spike flipped through the programs the hospital-TV was offering him but nothing really caught his attention.

He could still feel her little warm hand against his palm. Despite himself, he raised his hand. He could even smell her soap on it, clouding his mind a little. The connection he had felt before, what was that?

Not that he wanted to question it any further right now, he just knew that it felt incredibly good, like a warm comforting blanket. He knew that he would sleep well tonight. Maybe even with a smile on his lips.

Spinning the Wheel 23 - Sleep-Over

"You know that I'm not very happy with your decision," Ben said for about the twentieth time that day. He held his clipboard in both hands and watched Spike getting out of the bed into the wheelchair.

"Yeah, you told me once or twice," he grunted. The young doctor was mightily pissing him off with all his smiles and sweet talk. That he had obviously set his sights on Buffy notwithstanding.

The blonde sat in her usual chair watching the men arguing. Two days had passed since they had talked about Spike's attempted suicide. Ever since then he had gotten a lot better and was ready to leave the hospital. Since he had probably been the most annoying patient the hospital had ever had, the nurse had finally agreed to talk to the doctor and now Ben was desperately trying to convince him to stay. But Buffy knew that it wouldn't do any good.

"What about your bandages? You can't change them yourself." Ben tried to verbally slap some sense into his patient but he'd already given up hope.

"Oh, I can do that." Buffy leapt to her feet.

"You?" Spike and Ben asked in unison, both looking at the young woman.

"Ehm.. yeah. I've done a first-aid-course so it can't be that hard." That she wanted to keep an eye on Spike, they didn't need to know right away.

"Well, if that's okay with you…" Ben looked at Spike, who could almost see jealousy leaking out of every pore in the doctor's face.

Spike himself felt a little uncomfortable with the thought that Buffy would be getting that close to him. It was one thing just to talk to her about whatever, but letting her touch him was a whole different deal.

"Yeah, whatever. As long as I can get out of here." he shrugged despite his doubts.

***

They had an ambulance bring Spike home again, no matter how hard he tried to avoid that. He might be stubborn as hell but that was something even he couldn't change.

"You know that I won't leave you, right?" Buffy asked as they entered the apartment. She'd made sure that every evidence of his attempted suicide had been removed. When she'd picked up a few more things from the apartment, she'd taken the bottle and the knife back into the kitchen and also cleaned the carpet of some nasty stains. She didn't want him to be reminded of that again.

"What?" he asked, a little confused, as he made his way into the living-room. He remembered that night very dimly, only single pictures came rushing back once in a while.

"I'll stay here tonight." she said matter of factly.

"You're what?"

"I said I will stay here tonight. I won't leave you alone again. Plus I need to re-wrap your bandages soon."

He stared at her for a moment, trying to comprehend and to link her words to possible pictures. Her, sleeping here, probably next to him cause the bedroom.. was closed. "Oh you've got to be kidding me." he grunted under his breath.

"What was that?" she asked, a smile was playing around her lips although she tried to hide it. Seeing him squirm like that was just priceless. But she wasn't doing that just to harass him, she wanted to get behind all this, behind what was lurking behind that closed door. There were too many unanswered questions and she wanted the answers as soon as possible. And she knew that he would retreat if she asked them right away.

***

The rest of the afternoon and early evening had been rather uneventful. The only highlight had been when Spike had tried to manifest his hatred toward doctors and hospitals in the most colourful and British ways, leading to a variety of curses that would make anyone who had the slightest belief in any higher power blush.

The only thing Buffy could do was laugh. It was just most hilarious thing to see him so enraged. But both of them knew that they were only prolonging the inevitable.

"You really need to do that, don't you?" Spike asked, trying to hide his insecurity and fear under a heavy layer of annoyed glances.

"Yeah, I promised Ben, remember?"

"Now you're calling him Ben already?" he tried to glare at her but didn't fully succeed.

"Are you jealous?" she shot back.

"Over a guy who runs around in green pyjamas all day? Not so much, no." Well, maybe a little, his mind added but he didn't say it. Even if he had every right to be jealous, he would never admit it.

"Yeah, right." Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him and crossed her arms over her chest, knowing that he was lying. She had seen his looks whenever she had talked to Ben.

"So can we get this over with?" he asked impatiently.

"I'm not the one who's been playing the baby about this all day." Buffy turned and took the bandages Ben had given her from a sterile bag. She could almost feel Spike shooting daggers at her. "Now, strip." She almost giggled at that. She almost sounded like one of those naughty nurses. Just with a more serious attitude towards her work.

When she turned around, she found Spike unbuttoning his shirt. He'd f igured that it was easier for him to wear a shirt he could button up than a t-shirt he had to pull over his head. He didn't want to strain the wound too much.

Again, Buffy was surprised how well muscled he was. There hadn't been many occasions in which she could admire the result of his work-outs so she caught herself staring every time.

"Would you quit the gawking and get to work?" he snapped, a little more impatient than before.

"You know that line is never going to make it off the ground, don't you?"

He just scowled at her for an answer. "Okay, okay. Got it."

With careful hands she started peeling off the bandages the nurse had applied before. Buffy tried to memorize the way she'd wrapped the gauze around his body so she could copy it. When she got the last layer of the cottony material off his skin, her fingers brushed his skin and he winced.

"Come on, it can't be that bad." She stepped away from him, wrapping the gauze into a neat little ball.

Spike happily took her offer to peel off the pad on his chest himself. Her touch hadn't hurt. At all. Quite the contrary, but he didn't want her to know that. He remembered her touching his knees back then and tried to mirror the feeling to his numb legs. He couldn't but still felt awfully good.

"Wow, looks nasty. That's going to leave some pretty scars." Buffy exclaimed in slight surprise when her eyes fell on the various cuts and black stitches. She didn't want to ask why he had tried to cut 'it' out as he had put it. She knew he wouldn't answer.

"Yeah. Cool, huh?" Spike just shrugged, running his fingers over the future scars, careful not to break the skin open again.

"May I? Might be easier and I don't want to run around all the time." she gestured to his knees. Even though he tried to hide it, she saw him flinching.

"Yeah.. won't hurt." he said reluctantly and shifted in his seat a little.

Carefully as if she wanted to sit on a thin branch that was about so break, she lowered her weight down into his lap. She tried to keep most of her weight on her feet though. It felt awkward to be that close to him, but not bad. At all.

"Hold that." she said, businesslike, holding a cottony pad against his chest over the wounds. One of them had started bleeding a little during the day but not seriously.

Spike did as she said, watching her every move as she applied the medical tape at the corners of the pad. She ran her fingers over it to fasten it a little tighter and this time he didn't wince. This time he had to struggle not to react otherwise. Like now, as she was telling him to told the gauze over the pad and leaned into him to wrap the thin material around his chest. He felt her blouse-clad breast brush against his chest and he had to close his eyes at the sensation. He even bit lip in order to stifle any upcoming sounds. He couldn't remember being that close to anyone ever since.. Harmony. He shuddered inwardly at the mere thought of the skanky blonde. She had been close to him, but not like this. It hadn't felt that good.

Buffy moved back and forward slightly, wrapping the gauze around his back and chest in turn and around left shoulder to secure the bandages. Once or twice she caught a glimpse of his face, seeing him with his eyes closed send a shiver down her spine. Was he enjoying this? Like.. enjoy?
"Bandages applied and secured, patient done." she said in a falsely cheerful tone and reluctantly stood again.

He stayed with his eyes closed for a moment again before he finally glances up at her and then back down at his chest. The bandages were neatly set in place and taped to they would slip. "Thanks." he mumbled, trying to look busy with examining her work before he slipped back into his shirt and buttoned it again.

"You're welcome." she replied, still a little insecure about his reactions, and dumped the used bandages into the trashcan in the kitchen. "So.. how do we do this tonight?"

"Pardon me?"

She saw him blushing a little and it made her giggle. "How do we do this tonight?" she repeated. "With me sleeping here at your place so you won't do anything horribly stupid again."

"Oh.. right." he stumbled. Get your mind out of the gutter... where do these thoughts come from? "I.. I ehm.. sleep on the couch here." he said simply.

"But you.. do have a bedroom right?" Buffy knew that she was on thin ice now. She didn't want him to know that she knew about the locked bedroom and she had to play it careful now.

"Yeah but.. I don't use it."

"Why not?" Careful, Buffy, stay low.

"Cause.. it's too small for me. There isn't.. enough space to move around the bed." he said a little quickly.

She knew that he was probably lying now, too. Why would anybody lock their bedroom just because it was too small? Hell, her closet was bursting because of the load of clothing she stuffed into it and she didn't lock it. That didn't make any sense.

"So.. where do I sleep then? I mean.. I'd be fine with the floor, too. I've had many sleep-overs and my friend's places, so.."

"No.. it's.. we can… pull the couch out so we can.. both.. sleep on it." Spike felt heat crawling up inside him and into his face. Where did all the blushing come from all of a sudden? Was he out of his mind?

"Okay." Buffy shrugged and smiled. Damn it, he wasn't going to tell her one damned thing about the bedroom. And she just couldn't ask, that would be too obvious.

"I'll go and a get a sheet and another blanket and pillow then."

Buffy watched him move into the kitched to retrieve something from one of the drawers and then into the hallway. The key, probably, she noted mentally for later reference. That was strange actually. The bedroom was too small for him to move around but he could get in and pick up stuff. That didn't fit but she had to no time to think further about it because he was back in no time.

The makeshift bed was made in a little more than ten minutes and Buffy plopped down on it. "Hm, more comfortable than I thought." She bounced on it once or twice. "But it's way too early to call it a night."

"But you don't want me to braid your hair or polish your toenails, right?" he asked with mock-suspicion. His former insecurity had vanished almost entirely.

"Why don't we order a pizza or some Chinese stuff and watch a movie or something. I think there is something on tonight."

"I'm voting for Chinese this time. I need something real for a change after almost a week of hospital-food-torture." he was about to break out in another fit of curses but stifled it this time.

***

The rest of the evening was spent with a heap of Chinese food and a re-run of "The Other Sister" on TV. Buffy had watched the movie before but it touched her every time. Spike had complained once or twice and she had made a note to herself never to force him to watch chick-flicks with her. It was only pissing her off. Sometimes she even had the feeling that he was only doing it to harass her for fun.

"Well.. think I'll go and change for the night." she stood, stretching her legs.

"Yeah, there is.. there's one of my shirts in the bathroom. If you don't…" he broke off, not knowing how to complete the already completely screwed sentence.

"Thanks. I was going to ask that anyway." she beamed at him before she turned and left for the bathroom.

Spike shifted uncomfortably in his seat on the pulled out couch. This was going to be one hell of a night and he had maneuvered himself into it. He had made her play the babysitter for him thanks to his very stupid decision to kill himself. Not the smartest step in retrospect.

When Buffy came back she wore one of Spike's black shirts. It only covered her only to mid-thigh and left a little too much open to the eye, making the young man blush slightly despite himself.

"You gonna stay like that?" she asked curiouly, sitting down on her side of the couch.

"Usually I sleep naked but I thought it to be a tad impolite."

Buffy blushed at that, lowered her gaze.

"Buffy.." he looked her, smiling. "I'm kidding. Yeah, I'll stay like this if you don't mind." He gestured to the pair of cut off sweatpants. "I'll take a shower in the morning and the get the stuff to the laundromat anyway, so…" He shrugged.

"Sure.. whatever." The blonde still hadn't recovered from the joke. She drew her legs beneath the blanket and slipped under it. "You don't snore, do you?"

"Last time I checked no." He shifted into a more comfortable position, covering himself with his blanket.

"Well then…" Buffy propped her head on her hand.

"Yeah." There couldn't possibly be any situation more awkward than this. Spike reached over to switch off the little lamp on the table beside the couch, pitching the room into darkness. Thank the lord she couldn't see him blushing. He'd never felt more uncomfortable and he sure as hell wouldn't get any sleep that night.

"Goodnight." came Buffy's soft whisper after a moment and he could her shifting beside him.

"Night." This was hell. He must have died and went straight to hell. Sleeping beside her.. it was just too much. He remembered her words from that day in the hospital and it was choking him. Being that close to her was torture and he couldn't quite explain why.

***

About three hours passed and Spike still couldn't sleep. He lay on his back, his hands steepled behind his head and he was staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what was happening to him and between him and the girl who was sound asleep beside him.

Sometimes he glanced at her from the corner of his eye, noting how her nose twitched slightly or how her hair was fanned out on the pillow. Or how her mouth was slightly agape. She was really pretty even when she was sleeping and she was making the most adorable little noises.

Hey.. hold on... What are you thinking? Spike frowned at his own thoughts, pushing them back into the far corner of his mind.

Suddenly, Buffy whimpered and turned on her back, tossing her head to the other side and she mumbled something inaudible. He turned his head towards her. Her face was twisted into a mask of fear and disgust, her eyesbrows twitching and he could see her eyes rolling beneath their lids. She was having a nightmare and a big one.

With a sudden yelp she said up straight, swinging her legs over the side of the couch away from him. She was breathing hard with a little whimper on the exhale. Her hands clutched the blanket against her chest and she was shivering all over.

Spike sat up, too, drawing his weight beneath him. He watched her for a moment, not knowing what to do. He might startle her if he talked to her but he had to something. So he carefully reached out and touched her shoulder, light as a breath. But Buffy flinched and her breath hitched in her throat.

"Buffy?" he asked quietly. "You alright?" He shifted a little closer, trying to look into her face.

"What?" her voice was full of panic as her head whipped around and she stared at him, her eyes wide as plates.

Spike could only look at her for a moment. He'd never seen her like this, so scared and fragile. And somehow it scared him, too. She was such a strong girl and seeing her being so terrified… it must have been a really bad dream.

"You were having a nightmare." he said slowly, stating the obvious, and she nodded jerkingly.

She was still shaking and out of sheer instinct he began rubbing a little circle on her shoulder with his thumb. That seemed to relax her a little and slowly her breathing went back to normal.

"You want to talk about it?" his eyes were full of concern.

Buffy stared at him for a moment, then swung her legs back onto the couch and leaned against the back of it, still sitting upright. She drew her legs as close to her body as was humanly possible. She swallowed a couple of times before she could talk.

"I've had that dream since… I was little. Whenever I think it's gone it comes back full force."

Spike shifted into a sitting position himself so he could look at her. "What is it about?"

"Death." she replied simply, her eyes getting wide again.

"Death?" he repeated, a little stunned.

"Yeah." she breathed. "When I was eight, my cousin Celia.. she got sick. We've always played together. I was.. Supergirl and always saved her." she smiled at the memory. "But then.. she went to the hospital. I came to visit her everyday and than, one day, I… I saw her dying. She was.. in so much pain and I had to just stand there and watch her die." Her chin started to quiver and new tears welled up in her eyes. "And I couple of months ago.. my mom got sick. I don't know if she told you about it but.. she had a tumor and… almost died. She's fine now but…"

There was silence between them, stretching out into half an eternity. Spike was just looking at her, his mind reeling with the newly gathered information. "You're afraid of death.." his voice was nothing more than a whisper. "You're afraid of death cause you can't fight it."

"Yeah." tears rolled down her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "Some nights.. when I close my eyes.. I feel like I won't wake up again and I.. start thinking about dying, how it will be.. if I can feel it. And it scares me so much." She sobbed and swallowed hard. "And it follows me into.. my dreams. I dream of.. my cousin, my mother.. and they.. they are dead."

He could only stare at her. Finally it dawned on him why she had been so afraid when he had been at the hospital. It must have been like a travel back in time to see her cousin die in front of her eyes.
Suddenly he felt even more sorry for what he'd done. He hadn't known and even if he had he would have done it anyway but still…

As if through a thick haze of thoughts he watched Buffy shifted under the blanket again, lying down on her side.

"I don't think it'll come back now." she said as if she'd been through this a couple of times before, as if going through some well-known motions.

He settled down beside her, his head resting on his arm and he watched her intently. "You sure?"

She nodded weakly, swallowing some new tears, and sniffled a little. But then she looked away in embarrassment, as if something was on her mind and she didn't dare to say it. "Can.. can you hold me?" she didn't look at him, it would have been too much.

For a long moment, Spike just stared at her. Was he dreaming? Or did she actually ask? Not that it was something utterly offensive or anything, he just couldn't comprehend properly. Despite himself, he shifted into a more comfortable postion, stretching out his arm. "Come here."

Buffy snuggled against him, resting her head on his arm and trying to avoid the neatly wrapped bandages around his chest. Carefully his hand closed around her shoulder. She seemed too fragile to his touch, as if she was about to break when he fastened his grip.
She laid one hand on his stomach and rubbed her leg against his. He knew it was there; he could feel the soft pressure but nothing more.

He couldn't remember having a woman this close to him and what it felt like. Her tiny body was radiating against him as if she was about to burn his skin. Her hand on his stomach drawing nonsense patterns on the thin material of his t-shirt. He could smell the faint scent of vanilla and peaches coming from her hair brushing against his arm and neck.
He closed his eyes against the sensation of having her so close to him. It was new and familiar at the same time. It was the strangest feeling and the very best he ever had. He was almost close to crying himself. Feeling her right there in his arms and knowing at the same time that it would never be more than that.