Stealing Time 3

The next evening, Buffy headed to the Magic Box to get some training in. She was still feeling a little tense about everything that had been happening. Not to mention, she still had trouble even looking at Dawn. And she kind of got the feeling, Tara would never come over again after what had happened.

She opened up the front door to the shop and walked in. She stopped when she saw Willow sitting at the table with Xander and Anya. It was a sight she hadn't seen in weeks. They all looked up at her when they heard the door.

"Buffy." Willow said with a small smile.

"Willow. What are you doing here?" She asked, not sure how she felt about seeing her again.

"We were just talking. I-I feel really bad about the way things were left between us." She told her.

"Me too."

Buffy walked over to the table.

"I-I know I did some really stupid things." Willow said softly.

"Yeah. You did." Buffy folded her arms across her chest protectively.

"I don't want us to fight, Buffy. I miss you. I missed all of you guys. That's why I'm here. I wanna start over." Willow implored her.

"Uh-huh. Start over? So does that mean you aren't gonna hocus pocus everything anymore?" She asked.

"I've been thinking, and you guys were right. I was going a little nutty with the spells. But I'm okay. I understand that magic is good, but only in smaller doses." Willow tried to explain.

"Yeah, Will says that she's not gonna do any more magic unless it'll really help us out." Xander offered, trying to be supportive of Willow.

"I'm more concerned with the types of spells you did. Not just the freaky amount. Truthfully, if you want to snap your fingers and prepare a five course meal for everyone, that's cool. But making people forget things, amnesia, resurrections? That wigs me out." Buffy told her seriously.

"I know. It was wrong. All of it. I'm sorry. I just wanted things to be good and happy for everyone." Willow told her.

"You thought making me forget who I was would make everyone happy?"

"It wasn't supposed to turn out like that. And yes, I thought that if you could forget about being…well, being where you were, that you would be happier." Willow said softly.

"Don't you mean that you wanted me to forget so that you could be happier?" Buffy shot back at her bitterly.

"Buffy, no."

"Isn't that why you brought me back here in the first place? To make yourself feel better?" Buffy's emotions were starting to boil over.

"No."

"Maybe you just did it because you wanted to see if you could?" Buffy snapped.

Xander stood up and faced them both.

"Stop it. Stop fighting. Come on. We're all friends here. Buffy? Will's trying to make with the nice. Give her a chance." He pleaded, trying to be the referee.

Buffy turned to him sharply.

"Give her a chance? I have given her a chance. I have kept my mouth shut about all of this. I've pretended for months that I'm not mad. But guess what Xander? I am. I'm mad." She said angrily.

"Buffy, I know you're hurting. I know we caused you this pain. But we didn't know. We thought we were saving you." Xander said, trying to keep hold of his emotions.

"I know that's what you guys keep saying, but is that the real reason?" She asked.

"Of course. We thought you were in Hell. Why else would we have done this?" Xander asked.

"Maybe because you were tired of doing my job? You don't want to fight the evil nasties anymore, so why not just bring Buffy back so she can take care of everything."

"That's not true." Xander shook his head.

"Come on Xander. I heard you the other day. You and Anya want out. Which is fine. I don't blame you. Hell, I want out too. But I don't get that choice."

"Okay fine. Yeah, I'm a little tired of this. But we all are. It doesn't mean I want out. And I'm sorry for what we did to you. It sucks. I can tell you I'm sorry a million times, but I can't change what's already been done. If you want me to say that I wish you were still dead, I can't. It may be selfish, but I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're alive. I want you to be alive because I love you." Xander told her sincerely.

Buffy looked at him and felt tears welling in her eyes. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. All of the anger and sadness that she'd been keeping inside all of these months, finally came to the surface.

"Xander…It's just…so hard." She said softly.

"I know." He said quietly.

"Buffy? Can you ever forgive me?" Willow asked with tears in her eyes.

"I want to." She said softly.

"Please? I am so sorry. I-I just want us to be friends again like we were before." Willow pleaded.

Buffy turned to her and gave her a small smile.

"I know. Me too. And I don't wanna carry this anger anymore. Or this pain. I just want my life back." Buffy said softly.

Then it was as if a light went on in her head. She wanted her life back. It was all about choices, she remembered. She had been brought back to this world against her will. She hadn't gotten a choice. But now she had one. She could let Death take her, or she could choose to live. That was the answer. She could only defeat Death by choosing life. She smiled at her friends.

Willow went over and hugged her tightly. Xander couldn't help himself and wrapped his arms around both of them. Anya had been silent the entire time, figuring it was more between the three of them, than her. She sighed and went over to join their hug. She felt like she should do something.

After a minute, Buffy spoke up.

"Okay, lovin' the Oscar worthy dramatic moment here, but you guys are squishing me. I need to breathe." She said with a smile.

They all backed off and smiled.

"So? Are we good now? No badness anymore?" Willow asked.

"It's not like things are magically better…"

"They could be. I bet there's a spell for that." Willow said with a sly smile.

"Don't even go there, Will." Buffy gave her a disapproving glance.

"Relax. I was just kidding. No more well-meaning spells, unless it's a five course meal prepared just for you." She smiled.

"Good. Then, we'll get through this." Buffy smiled.

"We'll always be friends, Buff. Nothing can ever change that." Xander assured her.

Buffy smiled and then she looked at Xander seriously. As long as the truth was coming out, she may as well just get everything out in the open. She had no idea what was going on with Spike, but she also knew that she didn't want to have to hide the fact that something was going on. Plus, she knew that it was bound to come out eventually. Especially if Tara ever came by with any stories to tell.

"So we're friends forever? And nothing can change that?" She asked cautiously.

"Nothing." He smiled.

"Not even if I were to make questionable choices that maybe you didn't like?" She asked, cautiously.

"Like what kind of choices?"

"I don't know, like when I make… bad boyfriend choices?" She asked softly.

"The only person I've really had a problem with is Angel. That's ancient history. I'm way over that." He reassured her.

"No. Not Angel. Although you never did stop giving me a hard time about that." She added.

"Well then, what are we talking about?" He asked perplexed. Then a look of fright came over his face. "Oh no. You don't mean…No. You can't mean that."

"Yeah."

"Oh God no. T-that thing…with Spike?" He gulped.

"Sort of."

He took a deep breath and let it out.

"Well, I'm fine with that. In fact, I'd completely blocked that bit of information out of my mind altogether." He said trying to be stoic.

"Wait a minute. You and Spike have a thing?" Willow asked, completely clueless.

"They had a thing. It was a one time mistake." Xander said firmly.

"Oh… Really?" Willow asked completely surprised.

"Actually, it sort of happened again." Buffy admitted.

"What?" Xander exclaimed horrified.

"What?" Willow chimed in.

"But no! One time mistake. Never happen again. Remember? You said that! You swore!" Xander protested.

"It was supposed to be just that one time-."

"Actually it was four times." Anya offered with a smile. For some reason she just couldn't get over that.

"Four times?" Willow asked.

Buffy ignored the comments and sighed.

"Look, It wasn't supposed to happen again, but then it just sorta did." She shrugged.

Xander looked at her and tried to hold his tongue. He was not happy at all. And he was more than a little worried that Buffy had made a huge mistake. But he remained as calm as he could.

"Okay. It's alright, Buff. People make mistakes. Sometimes repeatedly. Nothing a garlic chastity belt won't fix." He said with a nervous giggle.

"Garlic chastity belt? Okay, I'm not gonna even bother visualizing that." She shook her head.

"It's okay. I mean, I can see that Spike's got a certain evil charm, that maybe a woman such as yourself would find intriguing and irresistible. It's not like it meant anything, right?" He asked hopefully.

"Well…"

"Oh no. Please don't tell me you actually have feelings for him." Xander pleaded desperately.

"Okay. I won't tell you then."

"Oh, sweet, merciful God…This is so much worse than I thought. You love him?" Xander whined.

"Hey, I never said anything about love. It's just…well, I don't know what it is, but it's not going away. I tried to stay away from him, but it didn't take." Buffy explained, not being completely truthful with Xander or herself.

"Buffy, are you sure that this is a good idea?" Willow asked.

"No. I'm pretty sure it's a terrible one. But It's not like I planned this. And I'm sure it's nothing, and I'll be back to my senses in no time. But for now…" She tried to explain.

"I just don't understand. How did this happen?" Xander shook his head.

"It's sort of a long story-."

"Well, I for one don't want to hear it." Xander said rubbing his eyes to push the bad thoughts away.

"You're the one who asked."

"It wasn't really a question. It was more like a declaration of despair."

"Oh. Okay." Buffy shifted uncomfortably.

Everyone grew silent, trying to absorb this new piece of information. Buffy knew that her friends would never understand this. But that was okay. She didn't understand it either. She was just relieved to have everything out in the open finally. A lot of burdens had been lifted from her shoulders tonight. It felt liberating.

"So…You and the bleached wonder?" Xander finally managed to speak.

"Yeah. You're gonna be okay with that, right?" She asked.

He took a deep breath and forced a smile.

"Yeah. I'm cool. In fact, I couldn't be happier for you." He said, through clenched teeth.

"Really?" She asked skeptically as she raised her eyebrow.

"No. Not really, but as a true friend who loves you, I shall lie to spare your feelings." He smiled.

"Well, you're not a very good liar, but you get points for effort." She smiled.

"Okay then. So, why don't we talk about something else? Anything else. Please. I beg of you." Xander pleaded.

"Okay. Like what?" Buffy asked.

"I know. How about that ghosty thing that's been bugging you? Heard from it lately?" Xander asked.

"Actually, yeah."

"What ghosty thing?" Willow asked.

"It's no big." Buffy shrugged.

"But you were all freaked out the other night." Xander told her.

"I know, but I think I know what it is now and how to get rid of it." She said confidently.

"You do? What is it?" Xander asked.

"It's Death."

"What? Death? Huh?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, I guess he's kind of pissed that I'm still alive."

"Death? Okay, I'm feeling totally out of the loop here. Can someone give me a summary?" Willow asked.

"Guys, it's okay. It sounds way freakier than it really is. I can handle it." She told them.

"But, how? I mean, are we talking about the guy with the Scream mask and the big ol' honkin machete thing?" Xander asked.

"Apparently that's just a myth." Buffy shrugged.

"But what are we gonna do? I mean, Death is sorta already dead, so how can we fight this?" Willow asked.

"We can't. I can. This is my battle. He's coming for me and I need to face this alone." She told her.

"But, this sounds really bad, Buff. I mean, Death? This is like something out of a really cheesy horror movie." Xander said.

"I know. But apparently my life is one big cheesy horror movie." She sighed.

"Well, if you need anything…" Willow offered.

"Thanks. But I need to take care of this one on my own." Buffy told them.

They all nodded silently. No one wanted to voice how terrified they all were of losing her again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next night, Buffy and Spike went patrolling together. She was feeling a little uneasy around him. She knew it was because she had told her friends about them. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do, but now she was feeling overwhelmed by a sense of panic. The fact that everyone knew now, just seemed to hit her. The magnitude of that revelation made her nervous. This wasn't just some dirty little secret anymore. It was real. That wigged her out immensely.

She had tried to keep her distance from him tonight. She intended to keep everything strictly business. She just focused on finding something to slay. Which they had done successfully. After taking out a small group of vampires, they both brushed themselves off and tried to regroup. Without something else to focus on, Buffy felt herself getting nervous again. She tried to make small talk.

"Ouch. That big vamp sure did pack a hell of a punch." Buffy said rubbing her shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

He looked at her longingly. He always loved watching her fight. It was a huge turn on. He smiled and grabbed her into his arms. He leaned in to kiss her but she stopped him.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't the time for smooching. We've got work to do. Things to kill." She protested.

"Come on. It's just a kiss."

"It's never just a kiss with you. Besides, I see that look on your face." She told him.

"What look?" He asked innocently, as he gave her his best smoldering glance.

"That look! You look like you're undressing me with your eyes."

"I am. But it's more fun to actually undress you." He purred as he moved in again.

She pushed him back.

"You know what? Stop. I mean, is this all you can think about?" She asked.

"We went over this already. Yes, when I'm with you, this is all I can think about." He admitted.

She looked at him unhappily. Then she shook her head.

"Is that all you want from me?"

"What?" He asked incredulously.

"I'm just saying, it seems like that's all you want." She said putting her hands on her hips.

He shook his head.

"Isn't that all you want?" He asked.

She looked at him, shocked and hurt.

"Don't give me that shocked expression. You're the one who keeps telling me that we aren't a couple. This is just sex and it means nothing to you." He told her.

"You're right. It does mean nothing." She told him.

"Right. So then what's the problem? Let's just skip the small talk and get right to the good stuff."

"You're sick. This is a game to you, isn't it? This is all just some twisted, sick game."

He was getting irritated now. She was so exasperating he was ready to rip her head off. But he couldn't. Maybe he'd just rip his own head off so he wouldn't have to listen to her anymore.

"You are the one playing games. You're the one who can't admit how you really feel. You know that I love you. And I know that you love me. Why don't you just say it and stop trying to piss me off, just so you can play the wounded party." He told her heatedly.

"First off, I don't love you-."

"Stop lying."

"I'm not lying! I don't."

"Come off of it, Buffy. I heard you say it. I heard you say that you loved me. So just cut the crap." He told her angrily.

She felt herself become flustered and nervous. Was it true? Had he actually heard her the other night? She never meant for him to actually hear her. She wasn't ready for him to hear her. She switched into her denial mode once more.

"I don't know what you thought you heard-."

"I heard you say you loved me. You thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. I heard you."

"I was probably talking in my sleep. And I was dreaming about somebody else." She lied.

"Right. Somebody else named Spike?"

She'd forgotten that she had actually said his name. This wasn't going to be easy to get out of. She threw her hands up.

"Fine! Okay. I said it. I had just had a really freaky dream and I was half asleep. I didn't know what I was saying. My mind was all fuzzy…" She said, running out of protestations.

"And you what? Accidentally told the truth for once in your life?" He asked bitterly.

"Ahh! Just shut up! I don't wanna talk about this anymore." She shouted completely frustrated.

"You never want to talk. You just wanna fuck away your problems." He said nastily.

Instantly, she hauled back and punched him as hard as she could. He reeled back and smashed into a gravestone.

"I hate you! I can't believe I even considered the possibility that I had some sort of feelings for you!"

He rubbed his jaw and looked at her despairingly. He'd really put his foot in his mouth this time. She had trouble speaking the truth, and he had trouble shutting up about it.

"So you admit that you do have feelings?" He asked, trying to salvage something.

"Not anymore. Whatever this was? It's done. Chalk it up to temporary brain damage." She said as she turned around to walk away.

He called out after her.

"Let's see how long it lasts this time! You know you can't stay away!"

She turned and glared at him.

"Yes I can. I mean it this time." She said quickly, as she turned again.

She needed to get out of there before he could see her start crying. She could never let him know how much he'd just hurt her. His words had been harsh and cold. And worse yet, they were hundred percent true. She'd deliberately started this argument. She wanted to fight with him. She wanted to be angry with him.

He had accused her before of trying to make him angry so he'd give up and stop loving her. But the real truth was, she was hoping one day he'd get so angry that he'd do or say something so horrible, that she could stop loving him. But it hadn't worked. She still loved him. And now, unless she was prepared to admit that, the only thing she had succeeded in doing was hurting both of them.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Buffy walked into her house and slammed the door behind her. She was emotionally exhausted. All she wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and cry. Cry and forget about everything. Right now, one of Willow's amazing memory loss spells wasn't looking too bad. She sighed and headed up the stairs.

Dawn peeked her head out of her room when she heard Buffy coming up the stairs.

"Hey Buffy."

"Hey." Buffy said sadly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just had a sucky night. I'll be fine." She forced a smile.

"You wanna talk about it?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"Not really. I'm just gonna go to bed." Buffy said forlornly.

"Okay. But you might feel better if you talk about it. Mom always said that talking about-."

"Enough! Why does everyone always want to talk about everything? Can't a girl just be quiet and keep to herself?" Buffy snapped.

Dawn looked at her with a crushed expression. She pushed back tears.

"I-I'm sorry. I just thought…" Dawn said sadly.

Buffy looked at Dawn and felt horrible. She sighed.

"I'm sorry Dawnie. Really. I didn't mean to turn all bitch on you. It's late and I'm really tired." She tried to explain.

"Well you don't have to take it out on me. I was just trying to be nice. It's not like I actually want to hear your problems." Dawn said angrily.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been really moody lately. I just have some stuff to work out. And I don't want to bug you with my problems, that's all."

"Fine." Dawn crossed her arms.

"Don't be mad, okay?"

Dawn's hard look softened. She sighed.

"I'm not mad. Just get some rest." Dawn sighed.

"Okay."

Dawn walked back into her room and shut the door. Buffy made her way into her room and threw her jacket off. She sat down on the bed and took off her shoes. She laid down and stared at the ceiling.

Everything was a mess. She thought she was making progress. She thought that she was finally finding some kind of happiness. But with one sweeping wave of denial and one last ditch effort to shield her heart, she'd completely thrown it all away.

She rolled over and hugged her pillow tightly to her chest. As she lay there lost in thought, she didn't notice that her room had grown colder. Suddenly, she felt a jolt go through her body. She sprang up and looked around.

The familiar black mist materialized in front of her. She had almost forgotten that she was supposed to die soon. Death was on her heels and apparently he was coming for her again tonight.

"So, you're back." She said into air.

"You're ready." It whispered back to her.

She sprang up from her bed and stood to confront her invisible foe.

"I know how to stop you." She said confidently.

Suddenly, she was thrown back. She smashed into her window, shattering the glass everywhere.

"You know nothing!" The voice hissed at her.

Just then, her bedroom door flew open and Dawn stood there frightened.

"Buffy! Are you okay? What happened?"

"Dawn, get out of here! Now!"

The black mist swirled around and headed for Dawn.

"What is that?" Dawn asked nervously.

"Dawn, just leave. Get out of the house!" She shouted.

Buffy made an attempt to approach Dawn, but was tossed back into the wall. Dawn screamed, but remained rooted in the spot where she stood.

"Dawn go!"

"Where am I gonna go?"

"Just get out. It's not safe here."

Dawn finally turned around and ran. She headed down the stairs to the front door. She tried to open it, but it was stuck. A barrier of some type was holding it shut. She cried out.

"Buffy! I can't get out!"

Buffy heard her sister's cries and she turned to face the mist.

"Let her go. You don't want her. You want me. Leave her out of this." She said angrily.

"Very well. It is not her time." The voice whispered.

The barrier was lifted and Dawn managed to get the door open.

"Run Dawnie!" Buffy shouted.

Dawn ran down the street and headed for the only safe place she knew. Spike.

Buffy stood ready for battle.

"So, you're Death, huh? Not what I expected." She told him.

"We've met before."

"Yeah, I guess we have." She said dryly.

A wave of energy emitted from the mist and shot towards Buffy. She jumped out of the way and landed in a heap on the floor.

"You think you scare me?" She asked as she tried to catch her breath.

"No. I do not scare you. That's why I am here. To take you back where you belong." The voice bellowed.

"I am where I belong. I want to live. I don't want to die." She said as she stood to her feet.

The mist swirled around her and began to choke her once more. She was lifted off the ground and held suspended in midair.

"You think it's that easy? You say you want to live and I disappear?" It hissed.

Buffy couldn't respond because of the choke hold the entity had on her.

"You may say it, but you do not mean it. You have rejected everything. You exist in fear. You shun life and all that makes you living. You are already dead."

With that, Buffy was released and came crashing to the ground. She gasped for air and clutched at her neck.

"I am not dead." She gasped.

"You are. Until you can accept life you will always be dead."

"I do. I accept it. I told you. I want to live." She said, as she managed to get to her feet once more.

"You want to live in this cold, hard world? I am offering you peace once more. The peace you've been denied."

She felt as the mist traveled up her arm and along the side of her face. It was soft, like a gentle caress. It was comforting. The comforting feeling of death. She closed her eyes and let the feeling wash over her.

"You are succumbing. That's good. Soon it will be the way it was meant to be." The voice whispered into her ear.

Her eyes snapped open and she stepped back.

"No. I don't want this."

"You crave this. You've nothing to live for but pain and agony."

"I have more than that. I've got a lot more than that. I've got a sister who needs me. Other people need me. I can't just leave them again. I won't." She said seriously.

"But your heart is empty. You speak of need but not of love. You have forgotten how to love." It taunted her.

"No. I'm full of love." She said sadly. She remembered her earlier fears that she had become too hardened to love at all. Her spirit guide had told her she was full of love. Love, give, forgive. Risk the pain…

"You reject love. Time and time again you reject it. Nothing has changed."

She looked at the mist with tear filled eyes. She did reject it. And not just the love she felt for Spike, but everyone else. She said the words to Dawn and her friends, but they were only words. She had closed herself off from everyone. Somewhere deep down, she feared that love made her vulnerable. To love, meant to show weakness. Love meant pain.

Her spirit guide had told her to risk that pain. She hadn't followed through with it. She still shut herself off. Now more than ever. She let her friends betrayal and her pain over her return to this world cloud her feelings. She had let bitterness and resentment overcome her. She couldn't move on unless she forgave her friends for what they had done.

They had asked for her forgiveness and yet she had still backed off. It was time to forgive. She needed to forgive. She stared at the entity before her.

"I forgive them. I know they never meant to hurt me. My friends need me and they love me. And I love them. I'm not angry with them any more." She said with renewed confidence.

The mist caressed her face once again, but she didn't allow it to seduce her.

"You have not forgiven yourself." It whispered.

"Forgiven myself for what?"

"For your weakness."

"My weakness?"

"I can read your thoughts. You view love as a weakness. You refuse to embrace it because you do not want to become vulnerable. You continue to deny the love in your heart and that makes you truly dead. You choose to let fear consume you. But none of that matters anymore. I am offering you serenity. A place where there is no fear or weakness. There are no choices. Only peace."

Buffy absorbed the words and felt the cold, hard truth behind them. But she didn't believe them anymore. She was done with that. Her ultimate weakness hadn't been the refusal to make a choice, but the refusal to make the right ones. The painful choices. She had thought that choosing to die for her sister, was the most painful choice she ever had to make. But in the end, it was the easiest. Choosing peace and safety was easy. Choosing to live an accept the pain and heartache that life threw at you, that was hard. But ultimately it was worth it.

She tossed her head back confidently and put her hands on her hips.

"First of all, love doesn't make me weak. It makes me a person. It makes me alive. And second, that whole eternal peace thing? I'm over it. Sure it was nice and comfy and safe. But you know what? It was a little boring. And maybe life is scary, but it's also exhilarating. You know, it's kinda like skydiving or something. You do it. It scares the crap out of you and it might make you puke. But it was probably the most fun you'll ever have. If you're too afraid to jump out of the plane, you might be safer, but you'll miss out on all the fun."

The mist hung in the air before her, silently. Finally it expanded and grew in size. It swirled around angrily and a wind came out of nowhere.

"This is your choice? You are giving up serenity to live and suffer in torment?" It bellowed.

She rolled her eyes.

"Dramatic much? It's not that bad."

"Life is torment. Life is pain and-."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Life sucks. I'll wear a helmet. Are we done now?" She asked sarcastically.

"But death was your gift."

She smiled and shook her head.

"Yeah? Good thing I saved my receipt." She said wryly.

The blackness twisted and snaked around her. She stood there with a bored expression.

"You can go now." She said.

"We will meet again." It told her.

"Yeah, I know. But I've got a little more life in me yet. See you in fifty years?"

The mist whirled around and compacted itself into a ball. Then with a burst of light, it disappeared. Buffy stared at the spot for a moment, then shook her head. She took a deep breath and let it out.

"Well, that was interesting." She muttered to herself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dawn had run to Spike's place and came crashing through the door.

"Spike!"

He jumped up from where he was sitting and faced Dawn.

"What? What's wrong? Did something happen?" He asked with concern.

"It's Buffy. There's something at the house. It's attacking her." Dawn said with tears in her eyes.

Spike felt a pang of worry come over him, but he tried to push it aside.

"Black misty thing?" He asked.

"Yes. You've seen it?"

"No. But whatever it is, it's been giving your sister a hard time lately."

"Well, you have to help her." Dawn pleaded.

He sighed.

"I don't think she wants my help."

"So? Since when has that ever stopped you?" She asked.

"Good point. Let's go." He sighed. He took her by the arm and led her out.

He wanted to just say `Screw it!' and let her fend for herself. He wanted her to see what it would be like if she needed him and he wasn't there for once. But he couldn't bring himself to actually do it. He had to be there for her even if she hated him for it.

Dawn turned to Spike as they walked quickly.

"Why wouldn't Buffy want you to help her? Is this cause she's all macho or something?" She asked curiously.

"No. She sort of hates me again."

"What? Why? I thought you guys were all…Well, you know, shower buddies?" Dawn said uncomfortably.

"We were. It's complicated, Sweet Bit." He sighed.

"You guys have a fight?"

"Sort of. I said something really stupid and now she says she doesn't want to see me again."

"You still love her, right?"

"Yeah."

"And she must love you. I mean, people don't take showers together unless they're in love, right?" Dawn asked.

He smiled at her. Sometimes he forgot how young and naive she could be.

"You would think so, wouldn't you?"

She shrugged and looked away. They were approaching her house and quickened the pace. They ran up the walkway, and threw open the front door. Buffy was coming down the stairs.

"Buffy! You're okay! Is that thing gone? Did you kill it?" Dawn asked, as she went to hug Buffy.

"I'm okay. It's gone. It's not gonna come back." She assured Dawn.

Then she looked over at Spike who remained expressionless. He was relieved that she was okay, but he didn't want to show it.

"So, you figured out how to get rid of it?" He asked.

"Yeah. Once I made the choice, it wasn't as hard as I thought." She said softly.

"What was it?" Dawn asked curiously.

"It was nothing. Just a nasty. No big."

"Well, glad to see you're okay. I'll be going." Spike said turning for the door again.

"Wait. Don't go. We need to talk." She said walking over towards him.

He stopped and looked at her.

"You want to talk? That's a first." He said sarcastically.

Buffy looked at Dawn.

"It's kind of late. Maybe you should try and get some sleep?"

"Yeah. I get it. You guys need to be alone." Dawn sighed.

"Yeah." Buffy said with a small smile.

"Fine. But if I hear the shower go on, I'm leaving." Dawn said raising her eyebrow.

Buffy looked down at her feet and blushed. She was still completely embarrassed by that.

"I'll see you in the morning." Buffy said rolling her eyes.

Dawn turned and headed up the stairs. Buffy turned to Spike. He stood there waiting for her to say something.

"So. Here we are." She shifted nervously.

"Yeah. So, what did you want to talk about? You wanna tell me to get outta town? Leave you alone? Yell at me for coming over here tonight? Blame me for something else that's wrong with your life?" He asked defensively.

"No. That's not it." She sighed.

"Then what? I was watching a really good movie on the telly. I'd like to get back to it sometime tonight. So can we hurry this up?" He asked.

"Stop being an ass and sit down." She pointed to the couch.

He rolled his eyes and sat down. He was determined to remain aloof. She had yanked his chain one too many times and he was tired of it. He knew he'd hurt her feelings before, but she had hurt his too many times to count.

"We need to talk. About us." She said anxiously.

He looked at her and crossed his arms.

"Maybe I don't feel like talkin' anymore." He said deliberately trying to be a pain in the ass.

She groaned loudly and tossed her head back.

"Will you stop? Give me a break here."

"Why should I? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you." He said angrily.

She looked at him and glared.

"I'm sick of you too. I wish I'd never even met you."

"Well that makes two of us."

"Good." She said putting her hands on her hips.

"Fine." He said huffily.

They stared at each other silently. Both of them had so much to say, and neither was willing to be the first one to say it. Finally Buffy had had enough.

"Look, you're making this really hard." She said.

"As opposed to how easy you make it for me all the time?"

"Ahh! Will you just shut up and listen to me?" She yelled at him.

"Fine. What?"

She took a deep breath and looked at him.

"You drive me crazy. Sometimes, when I'm with you, I want to rip your head off. You're rude, obnoxious, and insensitive. I hate it when you're always right. I hate it when you just blurt the truth out to me, without even thinking about how completely shitty it sounds. I hate a lot of stuff about you. But mostly…I hate that I don't hate you enough. I hate that I love you so much that it makes me sick." She told him heatedly.

He smiled at her and stood up. He shook his head.

"That was, without a doubt, the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me." He told her happily.

Her serious expression softened. She raised her eyebrow at him.

"You don't get much romance in your life, do you?" She asked incredulously.

He pulled her into his arms.

"What? That was romantic." He insisted.

"I just told you how much I can't stand you. And that loving you makes me sick."

"Yeah, but coming from you, that's romance." He smiled as he kissed her. Then he pulled away. "Besides, it may make you sick, but you still love me."

"You're twisted."

"So are you. That's why this works so well." He smiled.

She rolled her eyes at him and pulled him in for a lingering kiss. They fell onto the couch together. Finally he pulled back to look at her.

"So, what made you finally cave in and admit this? Was it my charm? My irresistibly, handsome good looks?" He asked.

"Or your annoying persistence?"

"Yeah, that too." He smiled.

"Actually none of the above. I just figured that I needed to stop hiding and start living." She shrugged.

"It's about bloody time." He muttered with a smile.

She lowered her gaze and stared at her hands.

"This thing with you? It terrifies me." She admitted.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…But you know what I figured out?"

"What?"

"I like being scared." She smiled and kissed him again.

For the first time in a very long time, she felt complete. And not just because she'd finally admitted her feelings for Spike. But because she finally realized what life was about. It wasn't about safety or comfort. It was about chances and choices. Life was what you made it.

She had become so convinced that life equaled pain, that she couldn't see anything else. But she was done with that. Tonight she had confronted her fears. Tonight the piece of herself that had been missing all this time, was returned. She wasn't broken anymore. She was whole again.

Nothing was ever going to be easy, but she didn't really want it to be easy. That took the mystery out. It took the excitement out. Tonight, she had jumped out of that airplane. She was freefalling into the unknown and it felt exhilarating. She had taken a chance, and thrown her fears aside. This was the second time she had made a choice to leap over the edge. Only this time she wasn't leaping to her death. She was leaping to her life. And it felt wonderful.

THE END-

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