What's Mine is Yours

Chapter 19: Seeing you for the first time

Buffy was scared, she was going to see her children today, and she knew that it was going to be both the best and the worst experience of her life. The best because these were her daughters. She had been anticipating their birth for the last 5 months, and now they were here. But when she saw them, she was going to have the knowledge that it could be the last time she saw them alive. She would have to look at her children, both so tiny and ill and know that she may not have them for long. And that made it the worst day of her life. A parent’s worst nightmare is that they won’t get to see their child grow up, won’t see them on their first birthday, or watch them get married and go on to have their own families. Those are the things a parent dreams about seeing and both Buffy and Spike had to accept that the chances of them seeing those things were small. And that is what made it the worst day of their lives.

Buffy wished Spike was holding her hand as they went to the intensive care unit, but he was pushing her wheelchair, the doctor still didn’t her to walk yet. So she made him talk to her while they walked, she didn’t think she couldn’t handle silence right now. As she saw the doors to the unit getting closer her fear only grew. Spike pushed the swing door open and manoeuvred Buffy though. He pushed her to the section where the twins were. And heard her gasp as she laid eyes on them.

“Help me up,” she ordered him.

Against his better judgement he did, and held onto her as she hobbled closer to the incubators,

“They’re so small,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“Spike, look at them, our daughters. The look so sick. They’re too tiny, how can anything so tiny survive? Is it even possible?” she wept.

“It is possible, and Buffy we have to believe that they will. Because right now hope is all that we have. We can’t give that up, we need to be able to hope.”

“But Spike, I don’t know if I can.”

“Buffy, you’re strong and they’re your daughters. They’re part of you, and you are the strongest woman I have ever met. You’re a fighter and so are they. Believe in that, believe in them,” he turned her to him and cuddled her. They both needed it.

“Do you think it would help if I talked to them?” she asked him.

“Maybe,” he answered, “it’s worth a shot. You do that, I’ll go see how they’ve been through the night.”

Buffy nodded as she watched him walk away.

She stood for a while just looking at them. Their eyes were closed. If not for all the tubes they would have looked like they were asleep and perfectly fine. Just a bit small. Eventually she found her voice and started to talk to them,

“Hey babies, I’m your mommy. I’ve waited a long time to see you, and believe it or not I wish I’d had to wait a bit longer. Because as much as I wanted to see you, I wanted you to be healthy more. I wanted to be able to hold you the first time I saw you, look at your eyes and see what colour they were. I wanted to listen to you cry because you were hungry or needed your diaper changed. Wanted to watch you snuggle into your daddy’s arms when he held you. I just wanted for you both to be ok. So I need you both to do me a favour ok? I need you both to be strong little girls and keep fighting so that I can see all of those things. Your daddy wants that too. So you can’t give up, you have to be ok and grow up to be beautiful girls and kind and caring. You just have to be ok,” Buffy’s voice broke on her last sentence. Just the thought of them not being there was enough to make her want to die herself. She needed them.

Spike felt his own tears on his cheeks as he listened; she hadn’t noticed him yet. He and the doctor had got there just as she started her speech and neither wanted to disturb her. He heard her echo his own thoughts. He wanted those things too. All he ever wanted was to be a father. He wanted his own family to take care of. He had his parents and they were good to him, but he had never felt close to his own dad, not really. He wanted to be different; he wanted to be there for his children through everything. To have the kind of family he had always dreamed of with a woman he loved. And it could be ripped out of his hands at the final hurdle. Was God really that cruel?

He looked at the doctor and coughed to let Buffy know they were there, he went over and held onto her because she still didn’t want to go back in the wheelchair, turning to the doctor, they both waited for news,

“Well, your daughters are lovely little things,” he started, “but I suppose at the minute you just want to know how they’re doing. Well since you haven’t named them yet I’ll explain as best as I can. The twin on the left has been doing okay. She got through the night fine. Whereas baby on the right is the opposite, she got through the night but she is the sicker of the two. She stopped breathing once, and we think there may be some internal bleeding. We’re running more tests to pinpoint the problem. At the moment the chances are still small. But it isn’t impossible for them to live. I’ll keep you both informed as to what’s happening.” With a nod he left them alone again.

Buffy and Spike couldn’t speak, they were relived on one hand that one of their daughters seemed to be doing ok, but distressed that the other was ill. But all they could do was wait.

“Let’s go back to your room, luv.”

With a nod Buffy got back in the wheelchair and let him push her from the cubicle, silent tears still falling from both their eyes.

Spike left her when Willow and the others arrived to visit. Lorne told him his dad was outside, so he left Buffy with his friends to go and see him. When his dad saw him and threw his arms around his son, Spike began to shake. All he had done for two days was cry and they weren’t going to stop now, especially now.

“I’m so sorry,” Rupert Giles told him, holding him tight. He led them over to a row of seats and let Spike sit down and then took the chair next to him.

“I don’t know what to do dad,” Spike confided.

“Yes you do,” Rupert told him, “you don’t give up. You let Buffy know you’re in this together.”

“But what if we lose them, she tried to kill herself once before, and I think losing them will really push her over.”

“Not if you help her, she needs you, and you need her just as much. The only way this can beat you is if you forget that. Your children need you both to be strong for them.”

“I know,” Spike agreed, “it’s just so hard.”

“I understand. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through, but remember that you have people around you who care and they will help you through.” His father reminded him.

“You want to see them, before you meet Buffy?” Spike offered.

“I’d love to,” Spike stood to show him the way.

About 20 minutes later, Rupert’s own tears had finally dried. He had taken one look at the two helpless girls and hadn’t been able to avoid it. It was a tradition now, everyone was crying all of the time. Spike opened the door to Buffy’s room and before doing anything else he went to her and gave her a kiss.

Buffy looked up at the older man, he smiled warmly and came over to hug her lightly,

“Hello, it’s good to meet you. I’m just sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”

“Yeah me too,” Buffy gave him a watery smile. “Nice to meet you Mr. Giles.”

“Please, just Giles is fine.”

“Ok,” Buffy said softly. She took hold of Spike’s hand. Even with all their friends there she needed to remind herself that he was there. Needed proof of it.
Seeing their friends needed some time, Willow spoke up

“We should go for now, but we’ll be back.”
“Ok,” Buffy hugged her friend and thanked them all for coming and after a round of goodbye’s she watched them leave.

“You ok baby?” he asked.

“Just been thinking.”

“About what?”

“Names, we still haven’t named them. And that’s not fair, it’s like they don’t exist if they don’t have names.” She rambled on.

“Ok, calm down pet, we’ll name them. We already chose names, we just have to decide which is which.”

“That’s what I was thinking, those names just don’t seem right. But I was thinking about a couple of names I saw when we were deciding and I just think the fit,” she admitted.

“What were they?” he inquired.

“Um, well the first is Megan, I thought we could call the stronger twin that because it means strong. And for the sicker of the two I though we could call her Nadine, because it means hope. And it’s something we need a lot of,” she was trying to lighten the mood because she was out of tears, for the minute at least.

“They’re beautiful, luv, and I think they’re perfect.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Let’s go see them.”

This time she managed to walk, when they got there the midwife opened the small window on the side of the incubator so they could put their hands inside.
“You want to tell the their names?” Spike offered.

“No, we’ll both tell one,” Buffy moved to the incubator on the left while Spike went to right. Reaching their hands inside to hold their daughter’s tiny hands.

Buffy, with a lump in her throat said, “Hi, Megan.”

While Spike, held onto his daughter’s hand and whispered, “hey Nadine. You’re daddy’s little girl aren’t you?”

She clutched his finger tighter.

Chapter 20: Heartbreak

The next two weeks passed in something of a blur. Buffy had been released from hospital and for the first week had spent every day and night at the hospital, as had Spike. But eventually the doctors had persuaded them that there was nothing they could do. So they had been going home at night and going back early in the morning. The doctors had found that Nadine had bleeding to her brain. Which was an obvious setback. They had managed to stop it in the end, but still lowered Nadine’s chances. Megan was still doing ok; she had taken a turn for the worse a week ago but was on the mend again. The doctor’s were optimistic about her chances. But Buffy and Spike could see in their faces that they didn’t hold out much hope for Nadine.

But there had been no change in the past couple of days, Nadine was at her strongest at the minute and Buffy and Spike had their fingers crossed. They had arranged for their friends to finally come and see the twins. So far nobody but Buffy, Spike and Giles had. They wanted to see how things were going first, and now seemed like the best time. No time like the present as the saying goes. Giles was picking Willow and Xander up to bring them to the hospital at noon. Buffy and Spike had been there since 8. They had done the same thing as everyday, sitting by the incubators, hands through the small windows on the side of the incubators, their daughters holding onto their fingers. They spoke to them, told them how much the loved them and made plans for when they were better and could do all that family stuff. It was what they had to do to keep going. It was their only way to keep from sinking.

Just after midday they went outside to wait for their friends. They all arrived a short time later. Willow opted to wait until last for her turn to see the twins, saying she had to work up some courage. So the others went in one at a time, talking to the twins for a moment, looking at them. And they all came out with tears in their eyes and proceeded to tell Buffy and Spike how beautiful their children were and how they were praying for them to get better, especially now that they had seen them. The twins had a place in all of their hearts.

Buffy could see the fear on Willow’s face,
“You ready to go in yet Wills?”

“I, I think so.”

Buffy took her arm and led her in, showing her where the twins were and then leaving her alone with them. Willow looked at them, so small and helpless. All she could think was how these tiny little things had survived so long. And how much longer they would. In her mind, as she looked at the ill Nadine, her only thought was ‘we’re going to lose her.’ She was just to small, and to look at her you could see how sick she was. While Megan had some rosy colouring in her cheeks, Nadine was white as a sheet. She was even thinner than her sister, and you would never be able to find baby clothes to fit her. She remembered going shopping and choosing out beautiful pink dresses with Buffy and imagining the day when she and Buffy would take them walks in the pram while Spike worked at home, she remembered imaging being their favourite aunt and hearing tiny voices calling for ‘auntie Willow.’ She remembered all those chats she’d had with Buffy about when they were older and how they would play with their hair. Willow remembered telling Buffy that the first person to be asked to baby-sit had to be her. And now as she looked at them all she saw was the pain that was inevitable. Because she knew the chances were small. And it hurt because she had looked forward to these babies almost as Buffy and Spike themselves. Looked forward to being an ‘auntie’ and now that may never happen with these two beautiful girls. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. But she had watched everyone else fall apart today and she just had to hold them back. Had to show that the normally, weak and emotional Willow could be strong, and concentrate on how her friends were feeling. Because this wasn’t about her or her feelings. How she was feeling didn’t matter right now. So she bit the tears back, and placing her hands on the incubators, with a whispered goodbye, she turned and left them alone again.

The others hadn’t stayed long after Willow had come out of the room, and Buffy had been surprised to see her look so composed. With a round of hugs they left, Buffy and Spike doing the same soon after. It was a Sunday and they had hardly slept in two weeks so they were going home for a while just to relax, but first the made sure they would be contacted if there was even the slightest of changes in the twins’ conditions.

They had been asleep for a couple of hours when the phone rang, Spike picked it up to hear the doctor on the other end. Within five minutes Spike and Buffy were in the car and on their way back to the hospital. It was like the world stopped spinning as they waited for news from the doctor. Time had come to a standstill and it was like time would never start up again, and in a way they wished it wouldn’t. Because if it did, they didn’t know what they were going to be told. But they weren’t lucky enough for it to stay still, and sooner as opposed to later, the doctor showed up. He took Buffy and Spike to a nearby office and told them to sit. They clasped hands as they waited for the information

“We noticed some changes in Nadine and she became very ill a little while ago, I just finished the tests. It would appear Nadine has had a brain haemorrhage, a stroke of sorts. Now considering that Nadine is already very ill, and so young, the effects on her are much worse. The effects are that if she does survive the chances are that she will be both mentally and physically disabled. And she will always be poorly. There is a small chance that this won’t be the case but it is likely that she will have these effects. We are going to be keeping an even closer eye on her. As for Megan, she is still doing perfectly fine, which is surprising. But we aren’t going to question it, let’s just be thankful for that. I’ll let you go now, I just knew you’d want to know this all straight away.”

Spike being the first person able to find his voice shook the doctor’s hand, “Thank you.”

He helped Buffy to her feet, allowing her to lean on him, seeing the devastated look in her eyes. It mirrored his own feelings, but he had to be her strength. He took her to their daughters where they held each other and wept.

Chapter 21: Nadine

The next two weeks saw a series if ups and downs, highs and lows. One-minute things were looking up and the next they were sinking back down to the bottom. It was excruciatingly hard. And also emotionally exhausting for all involved. Both twins had had setbacks but generally Megan was still doing fine. She had put on a little bit of weight and she seemed to be getting stronger. Nadine’s setbacks however had been more major. She was fighting for survival and clinging to life with everything that she had. Both girls were fighters, refusing to give up yet. And Buffy and Spike were proud of them. They still spent every day at the hospital. Giles, Lorne, Ali and Xander had all been to see the twins again a couple of times. But Willow had never returned to the hospital, unable to face it. But without fail, every day she called Buffy to check on how they were doing and ensuring they were still fighting. And every day she was told they were doing just that, fighting; surviving. She gradually became a bit more optimistic. More hopeful that both would be okay.

But that was not to be, Buffy had called to tell her that Nadine had been diagnosed as having a leaking valve to her heart and surgery would be needed to correct it. The worst of it was that she had been especially poorly in the previous few days. But the operation had to go ahead in the next couple of days. Because of the illness she was already suffering from they knew there were increased risks in the surgery, an increased chance that she wouldn’t pull through from the surgery. So they had decided to have her baptised beforehand. Lorne and Willow were asked to be godparents to Nadine, while Xander and Ali would be godparents to Megan. Buffy and Spike had decided they wanted both of their children to be baptised together. So on the day before the surgery, Willow drew all of the strength she could and went to the hospital. And she stood by the incubator, a proud smile on her face for this little fighter as the minister baptised them. It was impossible not to feel at least a twinge of happiness, but it was very bittersweet.

Buffy and Spike were proud parents throughout the whole thing, even though they were well aware of the reasons for the baptism taking place on this specific day. After the others left, Buffy and Spike remained where they were, refusing to leave their daughters’ side. They stayed with them all through the day and night, just watching and hoping. And when the doctors came for Nadine the next day to take her to surgery they kissed her tiny forehead and whispered their goodbyes, hoping they wouldn’t be the last.

The long hours waiting for the surgery to finish and to hear some news were agonising. They sat with their stronger daughter, the only bit of comfort they could find. They needed to see her breathe; convince themselves that she was going to stay strong. And convincing themselves of that Megan would be okay they could almost believe that Nadine would be too. Maybe it was a dream; a fantasy that they were kidding themselves with. But it was a dream that they had to hold on to. They had to clutch it close to their hearts and never let it go. At least, not until they knew for sure there was no chance of it ever coming true.

They were almost beside themselves with fear and worry by the time the doctor finally came to let them know how the surgery had gone. When Buffy saw him approach she jumped from her seat asking,

“Is she okay? Did the surgery work?”

Spike stood by her side, awaiting the doctor’s response.

“Well the surgery was successful and Nadine is still with us.”

He watched the two parents let out relieved breaths before continuing

“We will be keeping an even closer eye on her. She is weakened from the surgery and there could still be complications such as infection setting in or any number of things. We’re going to be keeping a close eye on her. Hopefully it will be okay.”

Buffy sighed, “Thank you, doctor.” She attempted a small, grateful smile before tuning back to Megan.

They went home later that night, Spike and the doctors had over time been able to persuade Buffy that there was nothing they could do at the hospital and they would be much better off and of much more use after a night’s rest. She had given in only due to the fact that she hadn’t slept in two days. They were barely at home for an hour before they were curled up in bed, fast asleep. Their sleep was restless at times, but for the most part they were both so tired that it was an almost sound sleep. But there was always that undercurrent of fear and worry that cursed both ever sleeping and every waking moment. But for that one night, it wasn’t quite so bad.

The following two days were much of the same. They spent their days in hospital and their nights at home asleep. Or at least getting as much sleep as they could. And the longer the news they received regarding Nadine was good, the more peaceful their sleep became. Their worry lessened with each day and night that passed with nothing going wrong with their most ill daughter.

Three days after the operation Buffy and Spike walked into the hospital hand in hand, accompanied by Giles. They were feeling optimistic. It was exactly a month since the twins were born. And also, three days had passed since Nadine’s operation and everything appeared to be going fine. Their good moods disappeared when the were met by the grim faced doctor at the door of the intensive care unit. He asked to speak to them. Buffy’s heart was in her throat, but she nodded and allowed the doctor to usher them to his office.

When everyone was seated they waited to be told what was going on. Buffy, Spike and Giles couldn’t ask. They were too afraid. The doctor cleared his throat, dreading what he had to tell these people, especially Buffy. She was young and a mother and this would break her heart but it had to be done, he sat down behind his desk,

“Buffy, Spike, I have to tell you that an infection has set in from the surgery. It’s called septicaemia. We had to resuscitate her several times during the night. With everything that has gone wrong with her since her birth she is just too ill. She is going to be severely disabled is she survives which at the moment is seeming less and less likely. I think, in my honest opinion that maybe it’s for the best that you consider switching the life support machines now.”

Buffy turned to Spike, and with one look into his eyes, she broke down.

“Can we have some time to think about it?” Spike requested.

The doctor nodded and Spike led Buffy out of the office. Once they were outside he put his arms around her, crying with her.

“I want to see her now,” Buffy whispered.

“Ok,” still holding her he took her to their daughter.

Buffy wept as she stood by the incubator, she could admit that Nadine looked more ill now than ever. Spike watched too, his beautiful little girl. And she was going to be taken away from them.

“What do we do Spike?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. But I want to talk to her.

He moved in front of Buffy and opened the incubator’s small window, slipping his hand inside; he began to talk to her,

“Hey, princess. You’re in a lot of pain aren’t you? But you’ve been so strong up until now and mummy and I are so proud of you. But maybe now you just want to rest, is that want you want princess? You have to tell daddy, what do you want? If you want to go now, tell me, we’ll do whatever you want.”

He waited, and a moment later she opened her eyes and clutched his finger tight. Looking up before her eyes closed again. It was time.

Before anything was done, they called Willow and the others to come. They all dropped what they were doing to be there. If they were going to lose her, they would all be there. Because they were all a family. One by one they all went in. Although still hooked up to her life support machine they took Nadine out of her incubator so that everyone could hold her just once. There wasn’t a dry eye left by the time everyone retreated to the hallway. Leaving Buffy and Spike alone with their daughter.

Spike sat clutching his baby daughter close, whispering how much he loved her. Buffy took her turn next. But they knew the longer they waited the harder it would be.

So Buffy moved to allow Spike to sit beside her, holding Nadine close and cuddling to them, and then nodded to the doctor. They held their breath as they watched the doctor solemnly move and switch the machines off. Buffy and Spike didn’t try to hold back their tears, they fell freely as for a moment or two they watched their daughter breathe on her own, her chest rising and falling with each one. It was a sight they had prayed for, and they knew that this would be the only time they would ever see it. And within a couple of minutes of the machine being switched off, and her chest fell for the last time. They held her eternally still body close to them, Spike leaned down to kiss her, stroking her tiny head and as his tears continued to fall as he whispered to her

“Sleep tight sweetheart.”

And Buffy cried out.

Chapter 22: Endings- Part 1: Sweet Dreams

1 year later

Buffy stood silently looking. She didn’t expect anything to happen, nothing was going to change. The past couldn’t be changed. She felt Spike’s presence behind her, not speaking just looking along with her. They were both thinking of how life would have had things worked out differently.

The marble head- stone stood there, proclaiming the resting place of their precious baby girl. The marble was simple in shape, but sculpted in the marble was a beautiful scene. Clouds and a rainbow adorned one-corner fairies in the other. It was a picture of beauty, perfection. And they hoped the place where the precious baby girl had gone was equally as beautiful. The words inscribed in the stone had been kept simple, but it showed every feeling that had to be shared, it read

“Nadine Giles June 19th 2004- July 19th 2004
Treasured daughter of William and Buffy
Beloved twin sister of Megan
You weren’t in our lives for long; but you will be in our
Hearts forever. Sweet Dreams, Sweetheart.”

Buffy could remember the day of the funeral like it was yesterday. Her daughter in a tiny white coffin. The service had been held at Willow’s, her house was big and it had always been like a second home to Buffy. It wasn’t practical to have it at the apartment but they wanted it to be personal so they decided on holding it there. There weren’t a lot of people in attendance. Just Willow and Xander and some people Buffy knew from school. A few of the teachers showed up. Buffy didn’t really have any family so there was nobody else there from her side. Spike had Giles and his step- mother Joyce. Lorne and Ali were there to support them both. And a some people from Spike’s shop. A few neighbours completed the turnout. But they weren’t disappointed. The people who really mattered were there, they had each other. That was enough. The tough part was standing through the service, listening to the minister as he performed it and trying to stay strong in front of everyone. And as hard as that was, it would only get harder. Watching Spike as he carried the tiny coffin from the house to the hearse to be taken to the cemetery. That was when it all became so real. Too real, because she couldn’t pretend any more that it was just a bad dream and that soon she would wake up and her children would still be inside of her and everything would be ok. She couldn’t kid herself that none of it had really happened. As she watched her fiancée, his best friend, his father and her own best friend lower the tiny coffin into the ground with the long white cords she couldn’t stay strong anymore. She broke down, her knees turned to jelly as she fell to the ground crying out her grief. When he let go of the cord, Spike rushed to her side, gathering her in his arms, allowing his own walls to crumble and his tears to fall. He cried along with her for their lost child. The child they would never see grow up, graduate high school and get married. They would never see both of their twin daughters together. And the grief the shared was overwhelming. They were clinging to each other, because if the didn’t one or both of them would go under. And they knew they wouldn’t come up again. They would be lost in their grief and they would let it destroy them. So they kept clinging. The rest of the burial passed in a daze and the small gathering back at their own apartment afterwards was the same.

There was a group of people just sitting around, many of them terribly upset. Their close friends tried to console Buffy and Spike, but the couldn’t. They put brave faces on for their guests, but their real friends could see easily through the façade. All they could do was try and be there for them. Because they were going to need all of the support they could get for the next weeks. None of them had ever experienced what their friends were going through now, and they could only pray that they never would. Buffy and Spike prayed for it too.

When everyone finally left Giles had driven them to the hospital. They had felt the need to be In the presence of their living daughter. Because it reminded them of what they still had to live for, what they needed to survive for. They stayed all night. Normally they would have been told to go home eventually but the doctor showed compassion, knowing what the day had been. He offered his condolences once again and left them be. Knowing that right now, there with their daughter was most likely where they needed to be. They had fallen asleep soon after, curled together in a chair, lulled by the reassuring beep of Megan’s life support machine. She was still there.

Finally allowing herself to come back to reality, Buffy wiped away the single tear. She didn’t look back but she knew Spike was still behind her. She reached her hand behind her back, allowing him to grasp it, she didn’t look around but she did speak to him

“Do you think she’s happy where she is now?” She had asked him the question many times since the funeral but his answer always comforted her.

“Yeah I do, she won’t be in any pain now. And she’ll be well protected. But most importantly, wherever she is, she won’t be having nightmares of pain. She’ll be having what we wished for her, she’ll be having sweet dreams.”

They both smiled.

You’re the one person i'll never get to know,
but you're the one I think of no matter where I go,
you're in my thoughts all of the time,
no matter what you're on my mind

chorus

in my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

we will never play together,
or see each new change of weather,
never do what others do,
I’ve been lost cos we lost you

in my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

you may not be around,
but in my heart
my memories are safe and sound,
i'll remember seeing you,
and so this is what i'll do

In my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

In my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

Endings- Part 2: Moving On With Memories of A Year Ago

Buffy chewed nervously on her lip later that same day. Willow was doing her best to keep her as calm as possible.

“Buffy, stop worrying. Everything will be fine,” Willow assured her.

“What if it isn’t?” Buffy disagreed.

With a sigh Willow took her by the arm and led her to a seat in the middle of the room, “Sit,” she ordered. When Buffy had done as she was told, Willow moved behind her and started on removing the curling rollers from Buffy’s hair.

“I’m only going to say this once more Buff, everything will be fine. It’s all going to work out.”

“But What if this is the wrong time for this though, Willow?” Buffy asked with a shaky voice.

Willow stopped what she was doing to sit down on the bed while Buffy turned to face her, looking ready to cry, Willow held her hand.

“Buffy, you have had a super crappy year. You have been through more in this past year than anyone your age should have had to go through ever, as in lifetime ever, Karma ever, ever, ever, and… And I’m guessing that your mother apparently disappearing off the face of the earth doesn’t help. But Buffy, you can’t let the stuff that happened stop you from living your life. If anything you should use what happened as an incentive to make sure you achieve happiness because you deserve it. You’ll never forget Nadine, it’ll always hurt, but don’t be afraid to move on.”

Buffy leaned over to hug her friend, needing the comfort, “Thanks Wills,” she said softly.

“No problem,” Willow gave her a small smile, “now let’s make you beautiful.” They shared a laugh before Willow went back to working on Buffy’s hair.

Spike drove around Sunnydale, needing some time alone. It had been a while since he had felt that need but after the earlier visit at Nadine’s grave, he had just needed to be alone. Needed time to reflect, figure things out for himself. It had almost broken him to lose his daughter. He had made some stupid mistakes since it had happened, messed up a lot. He had tried to be strong for Buffy but unfortunately he hadn’t always succeeded, and it was his own fault when she left.

He had pulled away from her, become absorbed in his own hurt. He couldn’t let anybody, least of all Buffy, share that pain. He wanted to wallow in his own hurt. And he did, turning to anything but the woman he claimed to love. He never cheated on her, he never would have because deep down he still loved her, but he was afraid to show it. Afraid that if he showed his love for her, he would lose her just as he had his daughter. So he drank, drank himself into an oblivion until Buffy couldn’t handle it anymore and she walked out on him. She went to stay with Willow, telling him they needed time apart to sort themselves out, to let him sort his head out. They had stayed good friends, and visited Nadine’s grave together. It was something they had to do together, because at the end of the day, although he couldn’t open up about his pain, he still knew that she felt it too and she was the only person who could understand how he was feeling. So once a week they went there together, even though they weren’t together.

Buffy balanced Megan on her knee; she found it hard to believe that her daughter was a year old already. It had been hard that day, happy and sad at the same time. She and Spike had taken Megan to visit her sister on her birthday. They felt it was the right thing to do. Buffy had to hand it to Spike; he had made a mess of some things but never of fatherhood. He was terrific with Megan and she adored him. He had picked her up without fail from Willow’s every Friday evening and took her home with him, spending quality time with her until he brought her back on a Sunday evening. When he had finally gotten his act together and stopped drinking, his love for his daughter was as clear as the light of day. He visited her throughout the week too and babysat when Buffy went out with Willow, or when she was out on a while after the break up. Always without a word of complaint or a bad word against Buffy. He was supportive, helping Buffy out when she needed it. It had taken him a couple of months after she left to sort himself out, but the change in him was amazing and obvious to everyone around him. Buffy had always felt bad when she was going out on dates when Spike was there to watch Megan, therefore seeing her leave with her boyfriend. She hated the hurt look in his eyes, but she had to move on. It was the only way. Buffy looked down at her daughter who was beginning to fall asleep and moved her to lay on the seat beside her, she looked at the front of the car that Xander had been driving, but now it was just sitting, parked by the pavement, the moment drawing closer.

Spike sat behind the wheel of his Desoto outside of Willow’s; he had no tears left to cry after this past year but there was always that pang in his heart. And he couldn’t believe this day was here. Looking at his watch he couldn’t believe it, it was time. She was gone. So, he put the car in gear and drove off

Buffy stepped out of the car and smoothed down her dress. She gave a nervous glance to Willow and Xander. Willow held Megan in her arms, smiling at Buffy she asked,

“You ready?”

Buffy nodded, “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Well then, let’s go.” Xander took Buffy by the arm, leading her away from the car while Willow followed right behind.

There was no music as Buffy watched Willow begin to walk, carrying the now awake Megan. When she finished walking Buffy turned and smiled at Xander whom she had asked to give her away. He squeezed her arm before beginning to walk. She looked around at the few people gathered, it was a small ceremony, and it was all (that) she wanted. Her dress was strapless, and had small pink roses embroidered in the bodice, it was well into the summer so it was a bright, sunny day. She looked at her groom, who smiled at her. When Buffy stopped walking she took Megan from Willow and turned to him, she handed Megan over to her dad.

Spike’s smile seemed to reach his eyes. He’d thought he had lost all chance of this day ever coming. Until 3 months ago, when on one of their trips to visit their daughter’s grave they had realised they still needed each other just as much as ever, and they still wanted to be together. So they worked to make their relationship get back to normal. He forced himself to share his feelings and when he finally opened up, everything seemed like it would be fine, and their relationship had reverted back to the same strong, loving relationship it had been before. And when a month after they reunited he had asked Buffy to wear her engagement ring again and she accepted, they made plans. And now the day was here.

As he took Megan from her he smiled, this seemed right. They both looked down at the headstone beside them. They had chosen to be married by their daughter’s grave. Because they both felt they couldn’t be married without both their girls present and this was the closest they could get to having them both there, so here is where they would be married.

When the minister started the ceremony they continued to look at each other, working through the ceremony as if they were in a dream until it came to the vows. Spike went first.

“Buffy, I messed up a lot in the past, and I almost lost you forever, but it amazes me that you stood by me. You didn’t give up on me, even when we weren’t together you had faith that I would be ok. You didn’t just give me strength; you are my strength. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making up for the mistakes I made and the time we lost. I will be there for you whenever you need me; I will look after you and listen to you. I will comfort you when you need a shoulder to lean on. And I will continue to love you. Because I loved you the first time I saw you and it’s the one thing that has never changed. My love only continued to grow and I promise to nurture that love and show you how much I love you, every day for the rest of our lives.”

Buffy felt the tears in her eyes, but she tried to stay calm. She didn’t want to be crying as she recited her own vows. So with confirmation from the minister she took a deep breath and proceeded,

“Spike, you saved me, literally. You cared about me without knowing anything about me. You wouldn’t allow me to just give up on life or on myself and I have been grateful for that every single day. You give me faith in myself. I promise you that I won’t ever give up, on myself, or on you, and most importantly not on us. I will love you more with each passing day, I will be there for you any time you need me. I will be your strength, and do everything in my power to make you happy. And I promise to work with you to overcome any obstacles that may stand in our way, because I know that we can face anything together. And I promise that for as long as I live I will love you, and show you that I do, every day.”

Spike reached out with one hand to lace his fingers with hers as the minister continued the ceremony, and when he announced that they were man and wife Spike kissed her gently. A small but loving kiss to seal their commitment. Their friends and Giles applauded for the new Mr and Mrs. Giles, and they beamed at them. Spike still held Megan and Willow snapped a picture of the three of them, Buffy and Spike staring into each others eyes, with Megan in her father’s arms, a happy family.

The few guests left to give them a moment alone. It was hard to believe that their little girl had died a year ago today. But it had seemed the right time to marry. They could bring some happiness to such a sad day and they could begin to move on. So as Buffy laid her small bouquet of pink roses on Nadine’s grave before standing up she smiled, whispered ‘I love you’, and turned to her husband and daughter. She took his hand as they began to walk away. They could move on now, they would keep up the tradition of visiting their daughter and she would always be in their hearts. But now they could begin to move on from the hurt, but they would always have the memories of what happened a year ago.

Delta Goodrem - A Year Ago Today Lyrics
Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than?
A year ago today

Looking over my shoulder
I was so much younger then
I can't believe what happened
A year ago today

And I just can't forget about it
It wouldn't mean a thing
You went away
A year ago today

Another year gone by
Oh the tears have run dry
Life seemed so unkind
A year ago today

And I just can't understand it
And I don't think I ever will
You went away
A year ago today

And how many times have I questioned myself
What more could I do
And how many times did I fool myself
Over you oh? yeah

You've gotta pick yourself up,
Take another look
And dust yourself off cause life's not too good,
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again
Lover will never end

And though we're so far apart
You're forever in my heart

Another year older
A little bit stronger
On this anniversary
You're watching over me

You went away
A year ago today

You went away
A year ago today

-FIN-