Title: Can't Get You Out Of My Thoughts (1/1)

Author: Tracey

E-mail: IXIJokersWildIXI@aol.com

Rating: PG-13

Distribution: As long as my name is on it, it's yours.

Spoiling Warning: Not too sure--a few little hintings at what's been

happening for the past few seasons. Spoilers from the new season a bit too.

^_~

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this little pointless fic.

Joss Whedon does! He's the smartie who made them! UPN too, lucky people.

Please don't sue me! x.x The owner of the pretty song that gave this story

it's titled is the band Dum Dums, whom I also do not own. Stinks to be a

little person, doesn't it? ;)

Summary: Spike ponders past and present (Short POV, basically. ^_^)

A/N: Umm..Hiya. ;;^_^. This fic doesn't actually have a point, but I needed

to write it because I needed to use this song. It's a good song. LoL. Just

happy little angsty fluff..that's what you'll be reading..

{Why do you smile like that, when you look at me,

When you know I can't have you,

Why do your glances seem like advances, is it just me, man I think I'm going

crazy,

It aches in my heart, with my friends I'm always acting so cool,

But I would sell out, if only to be closer to you,

Cause there's nothing I can do....}

You were supposed to stay dead.

How am I supposed to deal with this now? Didn't you know that the 147

days I was without you were the hardest days I've ever gone through? Didn't

you know I'd be trying to get over you? Seeing you again just complicates my

life again…and it's not fair. When I finally thought that maybe I could get

over it one day, you come back to me like you never left.

But you are different, aren't you? Back then you never came to me for

support. Even further back I hated you, and I was out to destroy you. Things

change, don't they? Here I was, so long ago, making fun of Angel for falling

for you, and now..now I'm no better, and it kills me. Every time I look at

you, I don't want to hurt anymore.

I'm a weak idiot because of you, and I thought maybe now that you went,

I'd be able to go back to my usual self--or as usual as one could be with a

chip in the head. But even then, Slayer, you continued to prove yourself to

be the driving force to keep me alive in such a very undead state. I guarded

Dawn like a hawk, and she hated me for it. Here I was, a vampire, cramping

the style of a 15 year old key. It's almost ironic in a way.

But over these last few months, I've found myself still unable to be good

old Spike. It's like you brainwashed me yourself, Summers, because every time

I think about going back to the old me I remember you, and your smile, and

your voice-and the promise I made.

So tell me, tell me with your eyes. What do you want me to do now? How am

I supposed to deal with your sudden resurrection? Be happy or sad? Angry or

jovial? You know what you're doing to me, don't you?

{I can't get you out of my thoughts, or out of my heart,

And I know I'm in love with you baby,

Everything I do, leads me back to you,

You gotta know that you're driving me crazy,}

Even after your death I know our past is still fresh in your mind. I

still remember too, the fights we've had. Huge ones. Your mom even knocked me

upside the head a few times. We were what books love to write about, mortal

enemies, polar opposites-two people who hated each other so much that any

vengeance we had over each other was more or less sickeningly sweet.

But every time we fought, every single time, neither of us got through

our ultimate goal. You were the only one to ever slip out of my grasp, the

only one that was able to stand toe to toe with me. You were annoying as

hell, and you still are, come to think of it. I always got close to killing

you, so close that I was able to feel your blood coursing through your veins,

but I never got there. I never got you. And the thing was, Ms. Slayer, I'm

the only vampire besides 'soulful' Angel that you haven't killed.

I thought I got away from you. I was sick of you, and all your

goodie-goodie deeds. No goal was worth all the work I was being put through.

You wanted me gone, so I left. I figured-hell, that's that. No more bloody

stakes surrounding me at every turn. I could do whatever the bleedin' hell I

wanted to do. There were better places then Sunnydale to have a little fun.

But what happened? I found myself with you again. I didn't want to be,

and I thought it was the worst fate in the world. I know you felt the same

way, because I made sure to be the biggest pain in the ass you ever met. I

lost everyone I cared about, and I knew you couldn't kill me even if you

wanted too-because I was important. So I had my fun, or enough fun I could

have without that ability to suck blood.

Even then, and when I was gone too-you were always in the back of my head

like a plague. You were like a nasty, horrible habit-worse then smoking ever

could be. I refused to believe it though, refused to see the thing that was

staring me right in the face, but as time continued…

{Look at me girl I'm a fool, I make you smile,

But I know I can't have you,

And I stare at the stars, wishing you weren't so far from my arms,

Not alone, but I'm sick of feeling lonely,

I tried to love someone else and everyday I try to be true,

It only make me feel worse, cause all I do is think about you,

And there's nothing I can do....}

You know, I didn't tell anyone else, but when Willow put that mushy 'I

love you' spell on us, I remembered what happened. I had no control of my

body, but I knew what I was doing, what the spell was making me say. At that

point, when we were sitting there whispering sweet nothings into each other's

ears and basically making out, I felt like I was just going to puke up every

quart of blood I ever drank in my entire life.

After that ordeal was over, and I was back to my normal non-married

non-idiot self, that's when it really started bugging me. It was like this

nagging, horrible feeling that sat in the pit of my stomach. Denial set in

for a while. Sure, I was being a little helpful. I kept telling myself that

it was the only way I'd get a little action-and a little food-and both were

quite needed. But then IT started dawning on me.

I fell in love with you, and I don't know how, and I don't know when it

happened-that dream just made it surface, and I knew it was there for a long

time. I hated myself for feeling it. Spike falling in love with a Slayer-it

was like the world was ending for me. I didn't and still don't like how you

made me so weak, made me look like such a fool. Ever advance I made you

pushed away, humiliating me more and more as the days passed. I don't know

why I kept taking it, even when it got me so mad once I wanted to and was

about to blow your bloody brains out. All you had to do was look at me with

those big green eyes, the tears falling down your face, and I lost my anger

instantly.

No normal girl could do that to me. When I was angry, I stayed angry. But

I didn't that time, and as I felt it melt away I realized that even though

you didn't believe I could ever have feelings, that I was just one big thorn

in your side that was just out for trouble, I loved you, and through it all

it stayed that way. There was one thing pushing me to believe there was a

slim hope, one barely seen but still there, that one day you might see me

like I see you.

That one thing was the fact that you still hadn't killed me. You had so

many chances after you got all the information out of me, and you always said

you would, but you never took the stake and killed me with it. I never

pretended to know why you never did it, but the fact of the matter was that

you had openings that you usually took and missed them horribly.

So I kept telling myself that maybe there was a chance. Maybe she didn't

want to admit it to herself. All these maybes swarmed through my head-it

drove me crazy. I kept wishing that you'd just see it, to end my torture--

{I can't get you out of my thoughts, or out of my heart,

And I know I'm in love with you baby,

Everything I do, leads me back to you,

You gotta know that you're driving me crazy.

I can't get you out of my thoughts, or out of my heart,

And I know I'm in love with you baby,

Everything I do, leads me back to you,

You gotta know that you're driving me crazy..}

The scary thing was that after a while of doing good deeds to get on the

good side of yours, I was beginning to actually enjoy being nice. Sure, I was

a bit restless, but never to the point where I felt myself want to go out and

do a mass murder. I had those feelings a lot back in the day. Things started

changing in my favor, it seemed. I noticed it, but I bet you didn't. You

started coming to me a lot more.

It might have just been me, but I could see that you reluctantly trusted

me. I was your new strongest ally. Your friends had nothing over me. I had

superhuman strength. I was the only one you could really rely on for a fight

back up. So I kept fighting for you, because I knew that it seemed to be the

only way I got any positive attention.

It got me my first real kiss from you. I would have savored it more if I

knew it was you and not that bloody robot-boy, was that a bad idea. It was

fun, sure, but it never came close to you.

So the kiss just renewed my spirit that I had a chance. I don't know if

you know to this day how much you string me along. I've become mere putty in

your hands. When you died, it felt like someone had killed me. No, it was

worse then death, because the way it happened just made me feel like it was

my fault. To this day I still blame myself for your death, and I think even

in your unstable head right now you know it too.

Was that why I kept my promise? Maybe. Guilt, pain, frustration. In a

weird way, Dawn kept bringing me closer to you. Every time I protected her it

felt like I was making up for letting you die. She's just like you, you know.

Fiery. Full of life. Every single one of those days you were gone I saw her,

made sure she was as happy as she could be. I felt like it was my sworn duty

the minute you died, to take your place as the older sibling. I knew I could

never do it, but I tried my hardest.

{I can't get you out of my thoughts, or out of my heart,

And I know I'm in love with you baby,

Everything I do, leads me back to you,

You gotta know that you're driving me….}

But now it's all different. From the moment I saw you alive again, I knew

that things were going to change. I've gone from the only person that you

could rely on for back up to the only guy who can do both that and could keep

a secret. Everything you dumped on me is a little too much to handle, but

I've managed. I do all for you, still. Nothing has changed with me since you

were gone.

I'm still your puppet. Even with your death those ropes were never cut.

But then you started cutting them yourself.

I don't know if you noticed, but now you're treating me more and more

like a friend then some nuisance that happened to be around at the right

times. I'm the only one you can talk to now that won't freak out about the

fact that we pulled you out of a good, happy place. I think you know I can't

say anything to make it better, but the fact that I'm trying is giving me

brownie points.

I bet I'm the only one to get a real smile out of her.

I feel horrible that I'm happy she's back, selfish. Like I shouldn't even

dare be glad she was alive with me instead of feeling happy and safe. I felt

guilty, and I kept feeling like I was using her lack of people to talk to and

her totally screwed up emotions to have my way with her.

I decided that I would refuse to push her into telling me anything, but

just sort of listen and do my best to cheer her up. I love her enough not to

even try to get anything from her that she didn't want me to know or have.

{I can't get you out of my thoughts, or out of my heart,

And I know I'm in love with you baby,

Everything I do, leads me back to you,

Lead me back to you, leads me back to you, leads me back to you}

Call me a willing slave. I think you know that you can basically tell me

anything. It seemed like common knowledge that I didn't have a thing to do

with bringing you back. Even though I pretend to know why of all people you

open up to me, your old enemy, I really don't. I don't know why you come to

me for comfort. It's weird, everything I wished for has came true with the

exception of you kissing me since you came back, and I'm more miserable then

ever.

But see, I know that reason for that. Even though I should be overjoyed

that you've come to me for some sort of cheering up, I know that I can't

really do anything for you. I can make you smile once or twice, but the pain

and hurt in your eyes never seem to go away. I know you try to hide it, even

from me, but I know you too well. I think you understand that, too, but still

try anyway.

Now that you're back you're always on my mind again. There wasn't one

waking moment since you came back, hell, since you died, that wasn't spent

thinking of you. I know you don't want it to be true, but you're the one that

keeps me ticking. I didn't have any purpose until I met you on the good terms

we're on now. So keep using me as your personal punching bag, use me as the

one you just let everything out to. I don't mind at all.

But I guess you all ready knew that, huh? Bloody little witch you are.

Guess that's why I love you so much.

The End