* * * * * Chapter 6: Enter Lorne * * * * *

Angel Investigations, basement

Angel pushes Spike ahead of him. "Sit down, Spike."

"Enough with the pushing, Peaches. I already said I’m not here to fight you."

"And you’ll just have to forgive me for not believing one thing you say, Spike. I’ve known you too long for that."

Spike flops down on an overstuffed chair. "Yeah, well, I’ve changed, alright. I mean, look at you, all broody and...good. YOU’ve changed. Why can’t I?"

Angel sighs, and takes a position opposite Spike, on the foot of his bed. "Can we cut through the crap and get to the point? We both know I’m different because of the soul. What are you doing here? And PLEASE don’t say you are here to ask for my help." Spike takes a sudden interest in his hands, fidgeting briefly. "You have got to be kidding."

"Well, see. The way I see it is this." Spike’s bottled-up energy propels him from the chair. He begins to pace back and forth. "You help people...you even help demons, sometimes, I wager. Not the point, though. I only need one thing from you."

"And I’m sure you’ve got some ‘bloody brilliant’ reason why I should give it to you?" drips Angel sarcastically.

Spike pauses in his pacing and grits his teeth. He sets his jaw and turns to Angel. "The fact of the matter is this, mate. I’m in love with Buffy. She says she can’t love me without a soul, so I’m looking to get one. And who better to ask than the Great Poof Avenger himself, eh?" Spike tries a smile, hoping it will keep Angel from attacking. Wrong.

*WHAM. CRACK!*

[ Cordelia lifts her head upstairs. "That’s more like it. It was getting kind of eerie down there." ]

Spike picks himself up from the floor, holding his head. He looks back to see that his flying body cracked the wall. He turns back in time to see Angel coming towards him, fast, game face on. The conflict is plain on the blond vamp’s face, as his demon fights to take over, ridges beginning at his forehead. Spike shakes his head, fighting back the transformation. "Hey, that last part was a joke, Peaches...trying to lighten the mood and all." He ducks, as Angel’s fist disappears into the wall. " If you’d just settle down..." Struggling to remove his left fist from the plaster, Angel swings with his right, just missing Spike, but succeeding in getting that one stuck in the wall, too. Spike ducks out and comes around the back of Angel, who is helpless to defend himself. He growls and thrashes as Spike circles behind him.

"Tut, tut. Quite the temper, Angelus. These old walls can’t take your little rages. " Spike decides to talk quickly, as Angel will definitely get his hands out soon. Very soon. "At least I’ve got your attention for now. I’m not making this up. I love the Slayer." A growl emanates from Angel. "She’s not your bloody girlfriend anymore, Angel! It’s not your right to protect her from any bloke that feels something for her." Pause. "Besides, I won’t hurt her. I won’t. I love her too much." Spike’s voice loses its usual cockiness, a change Angel seems to pick up. He’s quiet for a few seconds. Then, with one huge growl, he rips his hands and half the wall out to get free. He turns on Spike, expecting him to be standing there, glaring at him, looking all cocky. He couldn’t be more wrong. Spike is sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes on the floor. When he looks up, the pain in his blue eyes is a physical force, so strong it pushes Angel back a step. He shakes off the game face and just stares. Angel knows that look. He surely wore the same one when he walked out of Buffy’s life forever.

Angel pauses, trying to decide what to do with this Spike. He seems sincere, honest even. This is not the Spike he knew for a century. Could he really love Buffy? And if he does, could that love change him this much? He smiles the tiniest bit, well, it sure as hell had its effect on him. Angel reaches a tentative decision and takes a seat across from Spike. He leans his elbows on his knees, and his chin on his hands.

"Alright, Spike. I’m listening. For now. If I so much as smell betrayal on you or ANY clue that you are just trying to find a new way to hurt her, I will kill you without blinking and sweep the dust into the sewer."

Spike blinks. "Hmph. Reckon that’s a a big step for you, Peaches. Listening and all. The threatening to kill me, that I’m bloody well used to." Spike studies his hands for a minute, turning a silver ring around his thumb, collecting the thoughts that are threatening to tear him apart. Somehow, he wasn’t quite prepared for Angel to listen to him. Thought he might fight him, that Angel might let something slip he could use. Now the poofter was acting halfway civil to him. Vampire loving a slayer...The Slayer. Guess he can relate.

"Alright then, mate. The fact of the matter is, I love this girl. It came to me in a bleedin’ dream and woke me in a cold sweat. Sure as hell didn’t want to love her...wanted to kill her. But then again, love and death have always been bedmates for me."

Angel’s eyes narrow. "Down, down, Angelus. I don’t want to kill her anymore. Loving her...and having her return that love would be enough." Angel snorts. "I know, what the hell would a woman like Buffy do with an evil bloodsucking fiend, eh? That’s what I’m here for, though. I want to win her love, but first I have to win a soul."

"It’s not something you get at the carnival, Spike. You may recall the circumstances I got mine under."

"Yeah, yeah. But I don’t want to turn into another cursed wonderboy. What the hell would I want a soul for if I can’t....can’t..." Spike swallows as he sees Angel is not fond of the direction the conversation is taking. "...can’t talk about this with you."

He stands up and starts pacing again. "What was I thinking! Angelus is going to help ME get a soul. Help me get the love of a woman so incredible it burns me just to touch her. So strong she makes me want to..."

Spike trails off as he sees the muscles in Angel’s jaw twitching. "Listen, I’ve been all over, in every demon bar and hole in the wall in this town for four weeks. Been in plenty of bar fights and all I’ve been hearing is "Angel, Angel, Angel." You want a soul, better talk to Angel. You know better than anyone that I would just about rather stake myself than ask you for anything. But that’s how much I love her. I love her so..." Spike’s jaw clenches, "so damn much I am HERE. Here in front of my grandsire, asking for his help." Spike flops back on the bed, sure his staking is imminent.

Angel struggles in his mind with the choice in front of him. Helping Spike. Not at the top...or even bottom of his list of things to do. Help Spike get Buffy?! Never. But look at him, he’s suffering. Well, he deserves to suffer. He thinks of Spike and Dru together. When he loves someone, he loves them beyond all reason. Beyond all limitations. Buffy deserves that, even if it is Spike. He might just help her live beyond the typical Slayer lifespan. And with a soul, Spike will change. There’s no way Spike realizes what a soul will do to him, good and bad. The guilt... Angel realizes that if he helps Spike, he will have taken the bloodlust away from a killer and so, would be doing...a good thing? Angel sighs. What a position to be in. Without looking up, he says quietly, "I will help you." Spike bolts upright. "On ONE condition...."

"Name it."

"You’re going to have to sing..."

Spike blinks, cocks his head at Angel. Sounds like his grandsire has bloody well lost his mind.

"Sing? Bugger all, Angel, did you say I would have to SING? I don’t sing. Well, I did, but I won’t. Last time there was singing...that didn’t end too badly, now that I think about it. But anyway, what the hell are you going on about?" Spike is clearly agitated by this turn of events as he gestures wildly at Angel.

"Spike, settle down. You’re the one going on about it. I have a friend here - a demon. Name’s Lorne. He reads people when they sing. He also has some serious connections in the demon world, including ways to the Powers That Be. Powers that you will have to visit to have a chance at what you want."

Spike stops. "Powers that Be? Are these the nancies that have set you on your mission to save the world, strike against all evil and such rot? ‘Cause I’m NOT signing onto their little crew. I’m nobody’s ‘noble warrior.’ "

"Tell me about it, Spike. No, the Powers that Be are not that simple. I have no way of knowing if they will help you at all. Or what they will expect. Getting to them is in no way easy. And getting anything FROM them is even harder. But you said you loved her."

"Damn...well ... bloody... right... I do." Spike sets his jaw and his shoulders. "Let’s get on wit’ it, then. Where’s this Lorne?"

"Follow me." Angel and Spike return to the elevator and the lobby. Cordelia looks up, expecting Angel to be covered in Spike-dust or at least for someone to be bloodied up. When they both arrive intact, she returns to staring. They walk past her to the stairs of the hotel.

Spike leans over to Angel, "Something wrong with that girl? I don’t remember her being so quiet before. All screechy and loud, she was. Has she gone daft?"

Angel looks back at Cordy. "Nah, she just can’t believe you are still in one piece."

"Hey! Who’s to say it would be me torn apart ? I can take you in a fight, Peaches."

"Spike, can we stick to the subject here? Lorne! LORNE!! " Angel calls up the stairs and there are steps on the stairs above. Lorne reaches the landing in a yellow silk robe over his sky blue pajamas.

"Bless my stars and garters, tall dark and loud! Whatever is it? I was just going to have a soak. And who’s this? Friend of yours? Same sun allergy, I see."

"Lorne, this is Spike. Spike, Lorne." Spike nods to Lorne, still taking in the flamboyance of the green-skinned demon.

"Spike, it’s a pleasure. Or is it business? Angel?" Lorne comes all the way down the stairs, walks in front of Cordelia, snapping his fingers to bring her out of her staring stupor.

"Business. Sort of. Spike and I used to...well, kill together."

"Oh, THAT Spike. Heavens. Thought you two didn’t get on too well nowadays."

"We don’t. But I’ve decided we can help him. Just this once. Provided you don’t mind reading him? I need to know he is being truthful."

"’Ey, I told you..."

"Spike, you can’t be trusted and you know it. You’ll have to sing."

Spike mutters and kicks at the couch near him. "Better not be some poofter song or I won’t do it."

"Bloody, lorry and lift, your accent is to die for, Spike! Let’s go pick a song, shall we?" Lorne, unfazed by the tension in the air, takes Spike by the arm and drags him into the next room where his Karaoke machine is set up. "Good thing my club is blown up or I wouldn’t have this thing lying around . Let’s rephrase, not a good thing my club is blown up, but good to have the accompaniment. Hmm...now when Angel sang last, he did this number...." He shows Spike a CD.

Spike erupts in laughter, doubling over immediately. When he stands up, tears are running down his face. "You got Peaches to sing? Can’t believe I soddin’ missed it. Scourge of Europe doing Barry Manilow. Oi, it’s too much. Gotta sit down." Spike sprawls into one of the wooden chairs, still shaking with laughter.

"And let me tell you, hon." Lorne drops his voice. "He may wield a mean axe, but he can’t carry a note in a bushel basket! My ears!"

Spike grins. At least Angel has SOME friends worth knowing.

"So, let’s see. We need to pick you a song. Tell me what brings you to our fair city. Certainly not the beaches..."

" A girl, mate. Hell, THE girl. I love her. I’ve come to see Peaches ‘bout getting a soul so she can love me back."

"Oh, the classic soulless vampire loves girl, girl can’t love vampire due to evil tendencies story. Hear it all the time..." Lorne laughs. "I’ve got the perfect song. "

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, perfect for someone leather-covered and angst-filled like yourself. I’ll assume you’ve heard of the Kinks?"

A grin cracks Spike’s face. "Bloody brilliant, mate. Dead on accurate."

 

* * * * * Chapter 7: Truce * * * * *



Meanwhile, in the lobby:

"Angel, what is he doing here? And why is he STILL here? We’re not helping him, are we? I mean, come on..."

"Cordy, we are helping him. It’s what we do."

"But why? We should stake him! He’s an undead, bloodsucking vampire!" Cordy’s eyes widened. "Who is NOTHING like you ‘cause you are all soul-having and uh, fighting the good fight. Yeah! That’s it." She swallows as Angel gives her a look. "And uh...what are we helping him with, again?" She looks down, shuffling papers, hoping to have her foot surgically removed from her mouth at some point.

"He’s in love, Cordy."

"Yeah, with that whack job, Drusilla. Why would we help because of that?"

"No, it’s not Dru. He loves someone else, someone human." He looks away, through the open door where he can see Lorne and Spike laughing about something. He speaks much more quietly. "He loves Buffy."

"Hello? Over here, mister. I don’t have that super-vamp hearing. What did you say?"

Angel turns back and puts his hands on the counter, looking at the floor. His jaw twitches and he looks up at Cordy. "He loves Buffy."

"WHAT!?! Buffy? The Buffy? Your Buffy? Of course, it must be, who else would name their daughter Buffy... But Angel, he told you that? You don’t actually believe him, do you? He wants to kill her, he always has!"

"Yeah, but with Spike, wanting to kill someone is just one step away from loving them. Apparently, he’s taken that step. And he’s ready to take another one....a big one...to win her love in return."

"And that is the thing we are going to help him with? Angel, are you out of your tree? Too much time in the dark ? Let him suffer! Why should he have her when you couldn’t?"

Angel resumes his study of the floor. " ‘Cause I know what it’s like, Cordy. I know what it feels like to not be able to have the woman you love." His eyes are on hers when he says this last part, and Cordy starts to wonder if they are still talking about Buffy.

She blinks a few times and then looks over towards Spike and Lorne. "So, uh...okay. Point taken. What’s the big step he wants to take?"

"A soul. He wants a soul." Angel walks toward the other room to see how the song selection is going, leaving Cordelia’s jaw on the table. She picks it up and follows him.

"Angel, baby, come for the show? Spike’s going to give us a good number, I can tell." Lorne fiddles with the knobs on his karaoke machine, taps the mike to see if it’s live and hands it to Spike.

Angel leans against the doorframe and Cordy peeks around his shoulder.

"Bloody hell, you’re all going to watch?" Spike growls.

"Wouldn’t miss it." Angel gives him a smirk.

"Well, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not doing Barry Manilow."

"You told him, Lorne!?" Angel stands up and glares at the demon.

"Sorry, babe, just slipped out." He winks at Spike and reaches for the Play button.

An unmistakable guitar riff begins and Spike looks at the monitor for his cue. He closes his eyes and brings the mike to his mouth. As the guitars continue, the drums start to pound and Spike starts off nice and low:

"Girl, you really got me goin’ You got me so I don’t know what I’m doin’ "

Cordy’s eyes are bugging out of her sockets at the sexy voice pouring out of the blond vamp. Not to mention the sleek black figure he cuts in leather and a half-buttoned shirt. She swallows. Angel turns to catch her eye and she quickly blushes. Angel crosses his arms in front of him. Meanwhile, Spike continues, speeding up as the song really kicks in...

"Oh yeah, you really got me now You got me so I can’t sleep at noon"

Lorne claps and laughs at Spike’s customizing of the lyrics. Naturally Spike doesn’t sleep at night, so he changes the line to something more appropriate for a vamp in love.

"You really got me you really got me"

Spike is really getting into the song now. He sways seductively, roughly, like he’s onstage with thousands of screaming fans.

The phone rings in the lobby, and Cordy turns away to grab it.

"See, don’t ever set me free I always wanna be by your siiiiiide"

Spike drags out the note, wishing he could sing this to Buffy.

"Girl, you really got me You got me so I can’t sleep..."

Cordy comes running back, grabs at Angel’s arm and whispers in his ear. Angel glares at her, then Spike, and turns away into the lobby. Spike starts to come out of performance mode, wondering what the deal is. Lorne shrugs at him, gestures to keep singing. Spike just watches through the open door at Angel, who has grabbed the phone and seems very intent on the caller. Spike can’t hear the conversation over the continuing blare of the music. Angel waves at them to close the door. He stage whispers, "Close it! Be quiet!"

Spike replies in the same loud whisper, "Wanker!" and slams the door. He and Lorne shrug at each other.

"Don’t know what got his knickers in a twist, but you were doing great! You ever think of performing?"

"Come on, mate. Me?" Spike kicks at the nearest chair, stuffs his hands in his pockets.

"No, really, here, take my card. If I ever get the club back up and running, I want you to come by and favor us with a few numbers." Lorne pulls a business card out of his robe’s pocket and holds it out to Spike. Just then the door slams open and Angel is standing there. Spike can see the phone is lying on the counter out in the lobby.

"Turn. Off. The. Music."

"Sod it all, we were talking! Don’t you knock!?" Spike yells in reply.

Angel stomps over to the karaoke machine and yanks the plug out of the wall. "Just stay in here and be quiet ‘til I’m off the phone. It’s Bu...bad news from one of my clients. I’m not done with you." He storms back out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Bloody poof’s gonna break his own door. He always like this?"

Lorne sighs and hands Spike the card. "Pretty much. Not Mr. Sunshine, I’ll tell you. Literally, of course, but you know all about that. So, let’s talk about what I saw." Lorne takes a seat and gestures to the one across from him. "How long have you been in love with the Slayer?"

Spike sinks into the seat. "Damn, Lorne, how did you do that?"

"It’s what I do, hon, it’s what I do." Lorne pauses, studying the vampire in front of him. "This love hasn’t been easy for you. The pain you are feeling, it’s just shining through you."

Spike sighs and shakes his head. "Tell me about it. The way I..."

Angel whips the door open. "Lorne? What did you see?"

"Well, don’t beat around the bush there, Angel pants. I’ll tell you what I saw..." Angel glances at Spike, who has slumped back in his chair, eyes on the ceiling. He CAN’T be blinking back tears, not Spike. Angel shakes his head and turns back to Lorne.

Lorne gets serious. "I saw a true love so blinding, I had to make sure I was reading him right. He’s the real deal. He loves her more than...well, more than I thought possible without a soul."

Spike brings his eyes down to Angel’s. "Just like I told you. Now, where are these Powers that Be?"

Before Angel can answer, Lorne chimes in, "Oh heavens. Why are we bringing them into it?"

"Lorne, I’m here to get a soul, like I told you. I’ll do whatever it takes. Angelus here says the Powers are the ones to go to. And that you are the chap to get me to them."

"But hon, are you sure? And the Powers?? Ai-yi-yi. I was hoping just checkin’ for the love vibe would satisfy the question. Are you sure about this? I can’t promise anything. Heck, if I can even get you to them, they might just snap their fingers and turn you *poof* to dust."

"Don‘t have a choice, Lorne. I can’t go back like this. I haven’t seen ‘er in four weeks. Feels like four years. I lost her once and I won‘t, I won’t let it happen again. I HAVE to get this thing done."

"But why the soul? I have to say, I saw goodness in you. Even without a soul."

"’Ey, don’t go shouting that from the rooftops, mate. I still have some bit of reputation to save. Anyway, it’s what she wants. Way I see it, she must need a little more man in her monster. And a soul is just the ticket. If you loved her like I do, you would risk it all in a second to give her what she needs. So?"

Lorne sighs, rubs his hands together and shakes his head. "Hon, I will. I’m not happy about it, but I will. I suppose the sooner, the better?"

Spike nods.

"Let me go get decent. We’ll leave in ten minutes."

"I’ll be here." Spike stretches out, closes his eyes and tries to relax in the chair. After a few quiet minutes, he opens an eye. Angel has now taken a seat nearby. "And what are you lurking about for?"

"Just thinking, Spike. Thinking of how we were...how we are...how we are going to be if you succeed. Hard to believe."

"If I didn’t know better, I would think you believe I can do it, Angelus." Spike snorts a short laugh.

"I do."

"Come on." Spike’s eyes widen slightly.

"No, I do. No secret that I don’t like you. Never really liked you and your attitude and impetuousness. But if there’s one thing I’ve never been able to doubt is your ability to love. To devote yourself wholly to another. Now that I’ve seen you with my own eyes and heard Lorne’s reading, I see that devotion for Buffy. You’d kill for her. Actually, better yet, you DON’T kill for her. ‘Cause she wouldn’t like it. It’s not that chip anymore that keeps you from feeding. It’s her. So yeah, I think you’ll make it."

Spike’s mouth is slightly open. "Angelus, that is the most I’ve ever heard you say. Uh...thanks, mate. For everything." He stands up and starts to head for the door. He stops by Angel‘s chair, but never looks at him. "I’ll do right by her." And then he walks out to see if Lorne’s ready.

"Damn right you will." Angel scowls in the near dark. "I’ll be there if you don’t."


 

* * * * * Chapter 8: Meeting of Minds * * * * *

Los Angeles, outside Frank’s Bar, 1:30 a.m.

"Are you sure this bird is even in L.A., Lorne?" Spike and Lorne stand outside the door of Frank’s, preparing to visit the 17th bar of the night. All bars that cater to the demons, vampire, witches and other mystical types of the city.

"I have it on good authority from a Sho’laan demon that she’s here, hon. Somewhere. She’s not leaving bread crumbs, you know." He pats Spike’s shoulder. "We’re going to find her. I can feel her power near here. And they make a mean Sea Breeze here at Frank’s. I don’t know ‘bout you, but I am positively parched."

Spike tosses his cigarette to the ground and grinds it out with his boot. "I sure as hell hope you’re right. I’m gettin’ bloody tired of this searching. "

"Not the picture of patience, are ya, dear? Not to worry. I think this could be it." Lorne pushes the door open and the pair walk into another dark, smoky room. Another room full of creatures that the citizens of L.A. have no idea exist. Or at least, hope they don’t. Spike pulls out another cigarette and puts it between his lips.

"See her?"

"Not yet, let’s go up to the bar." Lorne walks up and greets the bartender in a familiar way, leaning in for a talk as Spike surveys the room. His eyes flit over the inhabitants, mentally cataloging their identities. He mutters, "Vamp, vamp, Gorlack demon, warlock, Corpular demon...hmm. Lady with blue skin." He is frozen as the blue-skinned woman across the room seems to have heard him.

Her eyes lift and lock on his and he suddenly feels naked. As if she is looking into and through him at the same time. She stands up and he realizes she is tall and willowy, at least six feet. And she is coming towards him. For some reason, he is both comforted and terrified. He swallows, the cigarette still dangling from suddenly dry lips.

"Lorne." Lorne continues to chat animatedly with the bartender. "Lorne."

"LORNE."

"Huh, you say something there?" Lorne glances over his shoulder at Spike. "Is something wrong? You’ve got a look on your face that could dry paint. And let me tell you, that’s not..."

"Lorne, stop talking. Is that her?" He gestures towards the tall woman making her way towards them. The crowd is parting for her.

"Her? Where?" Lorne turns and shrieks like a schoolgirl. "It IS her! Ka‘jiin ! Over here!"

Spike’s eyes widen. "What are you doin..." His words drop off as he sees a smile crack the face of the woman approaching.

A voice like liquid coats him with her words. "Lorne. It has been too long." He hugs her and Spike just stands there. He is sure this woman can read his mind and knows his every deed, past and present. She is powerful, indeed.

"And your friend? Spike? You seek me because of him?" He blinks. He was right. Her questions are statements. She already knows why they are there. Ka’jiin turns her eyes to him. Beneath long black lashes, her eyes are a stunning mix of dark blue and silver. They are like planets, swirling bodies of water and land. Spike feels he is seeing the universe in their depths.

"Yes, yes, we’re here for Spike. Guess you’ve been picking up the vibes, Ka?"

" I could feel you for hours, my dear. I am glad to see you. He seems a bit startled. Perhaps I went too deeply into his mind for our first meeting?"

Lorne shakes Spike a little, who seems to snap out of his stupor a bit. "Oi, I feel like someone’s been scratching around in my skull, Lorne."

"Sorry, sweets, I should have warned you. Ka’jiin here likes to take a bit of a tour before agreeing to meet someone. It can be...uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable? Hell, I’ve lost my appetite. Maybe permanently." Spike fumbles in his pocket for his lighter. Ka looks at him and he sees the smallest movement in her eyes. A trail of smoke wafts from his now-lit cigarette. "Uh, thanks. "

"My pleasure, Spike. Or would you prefer William?"

* * * * *

The trio of Lorne, Spike and Ka’jiin sit around a table in the corner of Frank’s. Still a bit queasy from Ka’jiin’s tour of his inner self, Spike is nursing a cold beer. Lorne and Ka are catching up on old times...

"Oh Lorne! The stories you tell. It is so refreshing to not be cowered in front of. You make me laugh. And no one makes me laugh." Like the sound of bells, her laughter rings. "Why do people cower? Is it the brain-scratching thing you do, luv?" Spike looks up at the blue-skinned creature dressed all in black.

Her liquid silver eyes fix on him, unsettling him once again. "William, I am one of the ancients. I spend time on Earth by choice. Most inhabitants of this planet, those that are aware of my existence, have a healthy fear of me." Her eyes darken into nearly black orbs. Spike swallows and shifts in his seat.

"Uh, right then. I see." Spike looks at Lorne, clearly uncomfortable.

"So, Ka. While it has tickled me to no end to see you after all this time, you do know we seek you with a purpose."

"Yes. You wish to gain audience with the Powers that Be. You wish me to arrange this." Ka turns her lightened eyes to Lorne and Spike lets out a breath in relief. "It is not a simple task, Lorne. I have seen the reasons in William. However, I would like him to tell me. What you ask is not without danger." Both turn to Spike. He sits up straight, feeling those ever-changing eyes on him again. They make him twitch. "Why do you love her enough to risk your very existence? You are immortal. Why face the Powers?"

"It’s quite simple, Ka. If I can call you that." She nods, her sleek black hair brushing her shoulders. "I love her. I know you’ve seen it inside me. I can’t believe it myself. I didn’t know a thing like me could experience an emotion so pure. But she is the most bloody incredible woman I’ve ever known. Power, beauty, a spirit like no other. What being a vampire did to me in over a hundred years she has undone in four. I thought love was made up of blood and darkness. I...I know differently now. Her light...her soul. It burns me when I look at her. I want to be with her as long as the fates allow."

Spike’s confidence in the face of her unsettling gaze begins to grow. "I’ve lived long enough to risk the Powers. If they kill me, at least I will fall to dust knowing I tried. That I tried to be what Buffy needs. And if I succeed, I will savor every second of my time with her. Love her like she’s never been loved. But if I don’t even try, I may as well greet tomorrow’s sunrise and let her find someone who deserves her."

As if to punctuate his speech, Spike swallows the rest of his beer and slams the mug down, rattling the table. Ka continues to stare at him for endless seconds, then closes her eyes. Lorne flinches a little, hoping Spike has not been too defiant.

Her lashes flutter and she reveals her blue-silver orbs again. "I will take him. William’s love is a force I can respect. It is an ancient power like my own. I only hope the Chosen One knows the nobility of the warrior that fights for her."

"She will, luv. She will."

"Then, let us begin. I sense your urgency. Lorne, this is not a journey you can take. My blessings on you. May we meet again during your time on Earth."

"Thanks, Ka. You’re a doll. Spike, watch yourself. And good luck."

Spike reaches across and shakes Lorne’s hand. "You’re a right good mate, Lorne. Thanks. I’ll keep in touch as long as I don’t have to mess with the poofter."

"You bet. And remember, come on back. I want that voice in my club. When I have one!"

"Right. So, let’s go, eh?" Spike stands up. Ka nods but remains seated. She raises her hands and murmurs words in a language long forgotten. They vanish in blue light and Lorne is suddenly alone.

He raises his glass. "Here’s to hoping we meet again, friend." He tips the glass and finishes, stands up and heads into the night.

* * * * *

Spike blinks. A second ago he was in a dark corner of Frank’s. He squints at the incredible brightness of his new surroundings. All is white. He can see no walls or openings or shadows. Just white. He feels a hand on his shoulder.

"We are here, William."

"Here? Where? I can’t see a bloody thing. Creature of the night, right? It’s dark at night..." Spike holds his hand up to shield his eyes and look at Ka. If possible, she looks even less human. Her skin is glowing. "Uh, Ka? You’re glowin’, luv."

"I know, William. I also must tell you something else. I was not telling you the truth before."

"What?! You’re not going to take me to the Powers? Bloody hell!"

"Remain calm, dark one. We are here. You are in the presence of the Powers."

"Where? I don’t..." Spike whips around but they are clearly alone. He turns back to Ka and takes a step back. Waves of light are rolling off her and yes, she does appear to be floating. Her eyes have turned black again and as he looks into them, he has the sensation of falling. "You? All this time, you were the Powers?"

"Yes."

"Does Lorne know that?"

"No, he knows only that I am a mystical force with links to the Powers. You will not reveal my true identity."

Spike realizes he doesn’t need to promise he won’t. As if a switch has flipped in his head, he won’t be able to tell.

"So, where do we go from here?"

"The granting of a soul is not a simple task, William. You must face trials. Your reasons must be pure. The trials will test both your strength of body and spirit. You must be strong in all ways to survive them. This will be the last time I ask you this. Are you ready to face the trials?"

"Ready and willing, luv." Spike smiles. "I’m ready for some action finally."

"May your love fortify you, William. I am not permitted to aid you, but I do wish you well. If you survive the trials offered here, there will be but one more step to your soul. I cannot tell you any more." Ka’s eyes begin to swirl black and silver and Spike braces himself. She raises her hands and begins to chant. The room begins to darken and Spike feels his center shifting. He starts to lose consciousness as the room turns black. The last thing he sees is the silver of Ka’jiin’s eyes before he drops to the ground.


 

* * * * * Chapter 9: The Trials, Part 1 * * * * *

Spike shakes his head, trying to clear the cobwebs from his brain. He looks around and realizes he does not recognize anything. Ka’jiin is gone, the white room is gone, and he is sprawled out on a cold stone floor. As he lies there trying to regain his mobility, he realizes something else is gone. His chip. It is as if a voice has whispered this truth to him. He is sure of it. And he is very very hungry. He sits up suddenly as he hears a small noise.

He is not alone.

Spike stands up, wobbling a bit and looks around. He can smell her before he can see her. Somewhere in the dark corners of this cell, there is a human. And her blood is singing to him. Thrumming in his brain. He puts his hand to his stomach and one to his face. The ridges are there, his fangs are extended. The demon inside is telling him how nice it would be to have that warm blood coursing down his throat, listening to the fast beating of her heart growing slower and slower. Just like old times. Spike shakes his head, willing the ridges to go away. The trials have clearly begun.

He paces, muttering to himself. "If I don’t seek her out, I can’t be tempted. I know she is on that side of the room, I’ll just go over here and stay here." He stomps to the corner and throws himself down, back to the wall. He can hear her breathing, her whimpering. God, her fear is intoxicating. His demon is clawing at his insides. He puts his head in his hands. "I can’t kill her. I can’t. What would Buffy say? How is she going to love a killer like me? ‘Course, I’m already a killer...one more victim can’t hurt, right?" Spike throws his head back against the wall and bellows, "Bloody hell! No!" He stays in the corner, twitching. Somehow, Ka has made him feel like he hasn’t eaten in days. Of course, maybe he hasn’t. No way to know how long he’s been out.

Minutes pass. Spike has shoved the demon down and sits quietly. His entire body cries for blood. For strength. For anything but this sitting still in the dark with that girl’s heart beating in his brain. It’s like a bird’s heart, beating twice as fast as a human. "Maybe just a taste? I wouldn’t have to kill her..." Spike’s demon licks its lips but is quickly squelched. "No, no, no. I can’t use her for food. I may not have a soul yet, but I know I can’t do that. Tasting innocents is definitely wrong. They’re not going to give me a soul if I rip her throat out." The mental image causes his demon to writhe. Spike squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to stop hearing her breathing, feeling her heartbeat. "Sod it all, if Buffy was here, she would keep me away from that girl." Spike leans back again, keeping his eyes shut, thinking of Buffy, picturing her smile, her silken hair in his hands... and growls in frustration as his stomach growls first. "How do they expect a starving vampire to ignore an obvious easy meal?" He stands up and stomps halfway across the room, hearing the girl’s heartbeat increase. His game face pushes to the front as he nears the girl, he can almost feel her soft flesh under his hands. He stops. In his mind, that flesh is now Buffy’s. Buffy is the girl in the corner, cowering in fear of an animal. He roars and drops to his knees.

He spits out, to whoever, whatever, is listening, "I. am. not. an. animal."

Spike stays on his knees, struggling for dominance over his base instincts. His earlier thoughts run through his mind...if Buffy was here. He mutters to himself, "What if Buffy was here? What would she be doing if she found this human girl trapped with a vampire? First, she’d bloody well stake the vamp." Spike smiles, despite himself. "Not an option. But then what? She would help the girl. Help her escape, tell her to run." He shakes his head. It can’t be that simple. He stands up very slowly. His human face is back in place and he takes a step closer to the girl. The demon screams for her blood, but he remains calm. Right, simple. Dim light from somewhere above catches her face. She crouches down in the corner. She is young and her brown eyes are wide in terror. Spike’s face wavers. Her blood would be so pure, so delicious. No. He smiles at her. She reminds him a little of Dawn, of his little Bit. "Come on now. Stand up." He puts out his hand. She doesn’t move. "I’m not going to hurt you."

Her voice rings out, wavering in the darkness. "You...you’re a monster. They told me you were a monster. And not to trust you. They said you would kill me." She tries to make herself smaller, her eyes darting around, looking for possible escape.

"Now, I’m sure that’s what you were told. But it’s not true. I’m not going to kill you."

"But you ARE a monster." She states it flatly.

Spike’s jaw clinches. Bloody bint is not making it easy to rescue her. From himself. "I am a vampire. But I will not hurt you, I swear. I...I am going to help you. We should find a way out of here. I may not be the only thing here wanting to kill you."

She stands up slowly, hands clutching the wall. "See, you do want to kill me." Spike is still several steps away from her and she has yet to see his face.

"Listen. I swear on...on...hell, I don‘t know what. Just believe me. I could have killed you when I first woke up and I didn‘t, now did I? I won’t hurt you. " His demon is feeling the frustration in Spike and is feeding on it. His face starts to change and his teeth begin to sharpen.

"O-okay. I guess." His face relaxes back into human guise and he moves closer to her. She is going to trust him? His blue eyes are gentle on hers. She smiles a little, eyes still wet with fear. "You don’t look like a monster."

"Don’t let that fool you. Not all monsters look like the ones in storybooks. Remember that. Now, let’s find a way out of this hole." He takes her hand as he notices a change in the air to his left. "Over here, I think." Her warmth is thrilling. Her scent is coating him. Her blood would taste like...no no no. Spike grits his teeth and drops her hand. "I think there is an opening up there." His night vision serves him well, as he detects a darker area about six feet off the ground.

"How are we going to get up there?" Her voice is shaky, looking around the room. It is so dark in the far corners. Maybe they are not alone.

"I’ll jump up and if it’s a way out, I’ll pull you up...you have a name?" Spike cocks his head at the frail girl standing there, with her arms wrapped around herself. Trying to stop shaking. He thinks perhaps she is in some kind of shock.

"Ye..Yes. It’s Sarah."

"Alright, Sarah. Just stay right here while I check it out." Spike turns away and feels a warm hand on his arm. He shivers. It would be better if she didn’t touch him.

"Um...what is your name?"

"Spike. Or you can call me William." He is unsure why he said that last bit. Trying not to scare her?

"William is a nice name. Um, William?"

"Yes?" Spike looks at the opening and back at the girl.

"Don’t leave me, okay? I...I‘m scared." Her eyes are welling up. She looks around her and shakes some more.

"I won’t. Just wait here." Spike grimaces at his sympathetic feelings toward this waif. He turns back to the wall and jumps up, grabbing the edge of the opening and pulling himself up into it. He crawls ahead a bit; it does appear to be a tunnel. About ten feet in, he feels something scratchy in front of him. A wooden door? He pushes, but it does not budge. He turns around and lies on his back. Kicks the door several times until he hears a crack. Now he can just see out. A hallway. Perfect. He pries the boards away until the opening is big enough for him to get through. He puts his arm through when he has a strange feeling in the back of his head. A twinge. What is that? Sarah. He promised Sarah. But he’ll move faster without her. He hears her voice in his head and he growls low and angry. Damn it. He turns and heads back down the tunnel. His blond head pops out of the opening and he hears Sarah gasp.

"Oh, God. I thought you left me here."

"Promised I’d come back, didn’t I?" Spike is gruff with her. Doesn’t like the role of "hero". Leave that to Angel, Angel and his soddin’ soul. Spike sighs. "Reach towards me, Sarah, and I’ll pull you up, ‘kay?"

She stretches her fingers as close to him as possible. He leans out of the opening a bit and grabs on. Again, the warmth. He can feel the pulse in her wrists as he pulls her up and into the tunnel. He swallows. Awkwardly, they untangle and make their way back through the tunnel. He looks out.

"Looks clear. Let’s go." Spike hops out and helps Sarah crawl through the broken boards. They head to the left, sliding slowly along the wall. This place seems like an old dungeon of sorts. They reach a large door made of wooden planks, reinforced with iron. It is standing ajar. Spike pushes it slowly open and they slip inside. The room appears to have been an armory, at one time. He grabs an axe from the rack on the wall and swings it, testing its balance. Sarah shrinks back. "Now, now. Not going to use it on you. Don’t know what other beasties are lurkin’ about, do we?" Spike spies a short sword. "Here, take this. Ever held a sword?" Sarah takes it carefully and shakes her head. "Now, you’ve got to hold onto it. Like this." Spike adjusts her grip, again feeling her tender flesh under his and swears under his breath.

"What’s the matter, William?"

"Just a bit thirsty. Not to worry." He stands very still. "We’ve got bigger things to worry about now."

A small squeak escapes Sarah. Spike mumbles, "Bollocks. Where the hell did they come from?" His eyes shift right to left, and then he looks over his shoulder, taking a count. Ten vamps in full game face surround them. "Ka’s having fun with me, I see. Makes the beasties appear out of nowhere." He yells to the ceiling, "Not playing quite fair, luv!" He pushes Sarah behind him and whispers, "Stay behind me."

She manages to breathe out, "Are...are they vampires?"

"Yes, that they are." Spike’s mouth twists into a smirk. "Don’worry. I know just how to handle these types." A few vamps move closer, low growls emanating as they smell the fear on Sarah. "Been itching for a fight, boys. All I’ve been doing for hours and hours is talking. " Spike mimics them with a growl of his own and stalks closer.

"Tired of talking."

He launches himself into the air and knocks one vamp down with a spin kick. As Spike lands, he swings the axe and decapitates the next one. Sarah gasps as it explodes into a cloud of dust. Spike has just enough time to realize that she has obviously never seen a vampire dusted before. More move in and Spike punches, kicks and slashes his way through three more. Suddenly, he realizes the warmth of Sarah has moved away. He whips around to see her being dragged away from him by a young, dark-haired vampire, his hand muffling her shrieks.

"Oh no, you don’t." Spike drops his axe, leaps at the vamp and tackles him, knocking Sarah down in the process. The vampire releases his grip on her and she scrambles a few feet away. Spike and the vamp roll in the dust until Spike finds a broken axe handle on the floor. A smirk plays on his face as he grabs it and surprises the young vamp with a stake to the heart. He finds himself suddenly on the floor when his foe turns to dust. He looks up in time to see another vamp lunging towards Sarah on the floor. She scrambles backwards, but is no match for the vamp’s speed. He is on her in one motion and going for her neck. Just as his fangs pierce her skin, her panicked eyes find themselves looking into Spike’s. She looks down to find herself covered in the dust that once was her attacker.

"Th...thank you, William."

"Think nothing of it. Just stay here. Use this if you need to."

Spike gives her his makeshift stake and turns to face his remaining foes, flinging his arms wide open. "Come on now, don’t be shy. I don’t know ‘bout you tossers, but I’m having a grand old time." The smell of Sarah’s blood from where the vamp lightly pierced her skin awakens Spike’s demon. He goes into game face and licks his lips. "Not one of you is having a taste of the girl, so get used to the idea." The four remaining vamps look at each other, and decide for a full frontal attack.

Sarah screams, "Watch out!" as Spike disappears under a pile of undead enemies. The pile is quickly scattered as Spike roars into full strength and stands back up. One vamp is knocked across the room into a wall and slumps to the ground not far from Sarah. Spike snaps up his axe from the floor and quickly separates the nearest vamp’s head from its body. He punches a vampire with stringy blond hair while kicking another backwards. Spike snaps the handle on his axe and throws the sharp end right through the heart of the stumbling one.

Finally, he shoves the blond vampire against the far wall. "I said you wouldn‘t get one drop from her and I meant it." Spike stops and his eyebrow shoots up. ‘Hmm, you smell something?" He wrinkles his nose and backs up just as the vamp flares up and burns to a crisp. Spike drops his lighter back in his pocket and turns to check on Sarah across the room. She is staring at him, her mouth hanging open. The vamp he knocked out is lying only a few feet from her, and he is starting to move again. Spike shouts, "Sarah, move!" She snaps out of her stunned state and looks around. Seeing the vamp waking up near her, she looks at the stake she still clutches. Her lips set in grim determination, she raises it above her head with two hands and plunges it into the chest of the vamp, who goes to dust immediately. The stake clatters to the floor as she covers her mouth with both hands.

Spike is by her side within seconds as she starts to cry. He puts his hands on her arms and speaks quietly, "Well done, Sarah. Knew you could take him. Hey now, look at me. S’alright now." She continues to sob and Spike looks a bit lost. Finally, he sighs and pulls her into his arms, holding her like a child waking up from a bad dream. Which is pretty close to the truth. He rocks her gently, whispering "Shhh, shhh" into her hair. After a few minutes, Sarah is just sniffling, so he sets her back away from him. "Think we can get out of here now, little one? Don’t know ’bout you, but all this dust is making my eyes itch." He smiles at her and is rewarded with a small one in return.

He pulls her to her feet and Sarah kicks at the nearest pile of dust. "Serves you right! Trying to bite me!"

Spike laughs, a deep chuckle. "Didn’t you know you were so spunky, bit." An image of Dawn flashes in his head at this endearment and he realizes it’s not only Buffy he misses. Misses the kid, the one he thinks of as his own little sis. This girl is just a bit younger, but has that same spark. Sarah wipes her eyes and looks around on the floor. "What are you looking for?"

"My sword. I want it. There!" She grabs it up and Spike can’t help but smile. He leans over and picks up his axe, hefting it easily in one hand. He turns to his charge.

"That’s a girl. Let’s go."

* * * * * Chapter 10: Searching... * * * * *

Meanwhile...

Buffy’s House, 7 p.m.



I hesitate on the stairs, thinking about having dinner tonight. Hearing the voices of my friends in the dining room, I slip down the stairs so I can just peek in on them. The subject is me, again.

"Is she coming down to eat tonight or what? Goddess, she’s getting so thin." Willow sighs, pushing her fork around in the mashed potatoes on her plate.

"Huh, you’re one to talk. You’re barely eating yourself."

"Dawnie, you know I’m just worried."

"We all are, Will. She just sits up there all the time when she’s not patrolling. Not really lovin’ the Angsty Buffy action figure." Dawn takes a last drink from her glass of milk and starts to clear the table. "But what can we do? We can’t just make him re-appear." She sits back down and gives Willow a pointed look. "Or can we?"

Willow laughs nervously and casts her green eyes over to Tara, who steps in, "Now, Dawn, honey. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea." Tara looks back and forth between the two girls, her lover and her surrogate little sister. "Willow is trying to cut back."

Willow cuts in, voice a bit shaky, "Yeah, and I don’t even know if I could do anything, Dawn. I mean, maybe I could cast a locating spell..." She hesitates and looks at Tara. I know all of their little tiffs lately have been over magic. Too much of it, for the wrong reasons. I hear them in the other room when their voices rise. "But it’s probably not a good idea."

I can’t stand it. It’s been six weeks since he walked out of my life on that chill morning and they are debating whether it’s a "good idea" to find him. My love. I let out a small noise of frustration and stomp back up the stairs. I hear them calling after me.

"Buffy? Buffy!!" Willow is at the bottom of the stairs. I keep going, turn the corner to my room and slam the door. Slayer strength, I always forget. The doorframe rattles and several trinkets in my room tip off their shelves. I lock the door and throw myself back onto my bed. My little island. I wasn’t that hungry, anyway. I close the book beside me on the bed and toss it on the bedside table, just as I hear quiet knocking on the door.

"Uh, Buffy?" It’s Dawn. I feel bad for not spending much time with her lately, but I’m just so sad. I’m better at being alone when I am this way. Besides, her chatter interrupts my angst-y songs.

"Dawn, I just need to be alone, ok? I’ll come talk to you later, I promise."

"Buffy, are you sure? I’m sorry if we upset you. We’re just worried." About me. It’s unspoken, but I know it. My worry has nothing to do with me. It’s all for him.

"Me too, sweetie. I’ll come by and tuck you in later, ‘kay?"

"Fine." I can tell she hesitates outside the door for a minute. She must be worried if she let me mention "tucking her in" without whining about being too old for that stuff. I hit the button on my CD player remote and resume listening to my song du jour.

"...Now that you’re gone things will never be the same again.

There’s not a minute that goes by every hour of every day

You’re such a part of me

But I just pulled away

Well, I’m not the same girl you used to know

I wish I said the words I never showed..."

I clutch my pillow to my chest and lie back on the bed. God, this song just kills me. It could have been written for me. And Spike.

"I know you had to go away

I died just a little, and I feel it now

You’re the one I need

I believe that I would cry just a little

Just to have you back now

Here with me...."

The tears flow easily as I think of how it would be if he just swaggered in that door. Reminding me of why I love him with those deep blue eyes...

"I never will forget that look upon your face

How you turned away and left without a trace

But I understand that you did what you had to do..."

I sigh. The look in those beautiful eyes on our last night was so pained, so tormented. How could I let him suffer like that? Why? What was I so afraid of? Stupid scaredy Buffy. Kills demons and stakes vamps, but is scared of a little love? I punch the pillow in frustration. Time to kill something evil and make me feel better. I stand up, tuck my favorite stake in my waistband, pull on my boots and punch the button on the CD player as I stride by, silencing the words that dredge up so many painful memories. I fly down the stairs and past the crew in the living room now. They jump. "Going patrolling. Be back in a little bit." I’m out the door before they can get any words out.

I run down the street, heading for the cemetery. I don’t want to be followed by their questioning words and faces. I reach the gate of the cemetery...His cemetery... and let a little smile cross my face. I take a deep breath and I smell wet grass and freshly turned earth. Smells I know. Smells I’ve come to know intimately in the six years I’ve walked these grounds. Smells that recently have meant a release for all my frustration and despair. I pull the stake out of my waistband and start walking. Ironic that killing vamps helps me feel better about missing my vampire love. Of course, nothing about our relationship makes sense, so why should this? I hear a noise behind me, a twig snapping. The smile returns to my face. I keep walking, acting like I heard nothing. He’s coming up behind me now. Just as my slayer sense tells me he is within a few feet, I spin into action, knocking him flat with a twirling kick to the head. The newly risen vamp’s burial suit is still covered in the dirt of his grave.

"You might as well just toss those clothes, mister. Grave dirt is really hard to get out of fine fabrics. Listen to me on this one, I know." As he opens his mouth to answer me, I jump on top of him and drive the stake home.

"Oh never mind. Laundry’s not really an issue anymore, I guess." I look down at my now dusty tank top and mutter, "Not for you, anyway." I wipe myself off and resume patrol.

One down, untold numbers to go. One more night to fill with purpose as I wait for him to re-appear. Re-appear. The conversation I overheard at home comes back to me. Could Willow really make him re-appear? Or at least find him? I feel so stupid for not thinking of it earlier. I’ve just been basking in my misery and not exactly being pro-active Buffy lately. But can I ask her to do this? I know about the magic issues she’s having. Could one spell really be that bad?

As I decide to call off patrolling early and head home, the real reason I haven’t asked Willow to find him slips into my head. I’m afraid she won’t be able to find a trace of him. That he’s met his end out there somewhere. That truth would just about do me in. Without that knowledge, I can just hope for the best. It’s been long enough, though. I tuck the stake away and increase my pace back towards Revello Drive. This can’t wait anymore. I need to know. Now.

I fly through the door less than half an hour after leaving, startling the inhabitants of the living room again. I swear, they’re a pretty jumpy bunch. Guess living in Sunnydale can do that to you. I stand in front of the couch, blocking the TV.

"Willow." I lock eyes with my dear friend.

She swallows. I’ve barely spoken since my declaration of love for Spike and I can tell she’s nervous. "Uh, yes, Buffy?"

"I need your help."

She sits up straighter. "Of course, Buffy. What can I do? Should I warm up the leftover chicken? Hungry from the slaying?" She starts to get up.

"Right, uh, help me in the kitchen. I’m starved. Yum yum." I rub my stomach, looking back and forth between Dawn and Tara. They are studying me like some kind of lab specimen. Guess my behavior has been seriously of the weird lately. I gesture for Will to follow and we head for the kitchen. I see Tara and Dawn exchange a look as Willow quickly gets up and trails me.

She heads right for the fridge, opens the door. "We’ve got some chicken breast left...and..." I gently close the door. Willow stands still for a second and then turns to me. "We’re not here for snacks, are we?" I swear, I think I’m making her sweat. What kind of look is on my face? She slowly sinks down into one of the bar stools. "What is it, Buffy? You’re giving me the major wiggins."

I stand across the kitchen island from her, eyes locked. "Will, you know how I feel about Spike."

She nods.

"I love him. I love him more than...more than I thought I could. I want him back. He left because I didn’t love him, but I do. I do. What if he’s out there getting beat up or...or...or worse on my account?" Slow tears are running down my cheeks and Willow reaches across the counter to take my hands.

"Oh Buffy." Her eyes are shining. She hates to see me suffer. Still hasn’t gotten over her guilt about taking me from Heaven.

"We have to find him. I want it all to stop. The crying fits and the lonely Buffy in her bedroom. I want him. Right here." I jab the counter for emphasis.

"On the counter? Buffy!" She opens her eyes in pretend shock at my suggestion. I can’t help but laugh through the tears. "I had no idea the naughties involved unsuspecting kitchen surfaces!" Her smile is a balm on my wounds. The old Willow. Happy, quirky best-friend Willow. So glad to see her visit, hope she stays.

"Out of the gutter, young lady." I waggle my finger at her disapprovingly. Funny how nice it is to laugh when you are devastated. Takes the edge off in a most inappropriate way. I let my mouth settle back into a line and look at her, more serious.

"Will you find him for me?"

Willow settles down from her giggles as the air grows thick again with my need. "Are you asking me to do a spell, Buff?" She seems nervous, but also something else. Proud?

"Would you? I have to know if he’s still alive. Well, you know, not of the dusty variety." My eyes plead with her. I hate to put her on the spot, but I need that Willow. The one who comes through with the big answer when you need it. Boy, do I need it.

Her eyes dart back towards the living room, hearing Tara’s laugh over something she and Dawn are watching. "Buffy, just once, okay? I think this is a good reason for me to use magic, it’s just that we’ve been...y’know..." She gestures weakly toward the laughter.

"I know, sweetie. We should tell her. I don’t want to cause any bad vibes between you two."

She nods, swallowing. "Tara?" She calls, a little too quietly to actually be heard. "Tara?" A little louder, and Tara answers.

"Yes?"

"Can you come in here for a sec, sweetie?"

I see her lightly graze Dawn’s hair, whispering something to her before coming to us in the kitchen. She looks back and forth between us, sensing the emotion. Her hand rests lightly on Willow’s shoulder, a gesture so simple and intimate. I want that with someone, preferably a particularly delicious blond vampire. I shake my head, I’m so easily distracted. I look up at Tara since Will has apparently swallowed her own tongue.

"Tara, I’ve asked Willow to do a simple locating spell for Spike. Will you help?" She pauses, looking down at Willow. Her gestures indicate she is really worried about Willow. I’m not exactly sure why, but I guess she has her reasons. Willow is getting pretty handy with the spells. I continue, trying to break the awkwardness, "I was thinking you could do it together? For the extra double wicca boost?" I smile brightly at the pair. Neither can help it. They giggle at me.

"You haven’t smiled like that in weeks, Buffy. Still, I know you are serious or you wouldn’t ask." Tara runs her hand through Willow’s red hair, looking into her lover’s eyes. "Are you up for it?"

"You know it." Will smiles and I want to jump up and down. They’re going to find him for me. Yay me! Everyone off the playground, Buffy’s on the mood swing again. Up, down, up. I shake my head. Must get stable. Must get Spikey. I smirk. I look up and realize they may have been talking to me just now, as both witches are looking at me expectantly.

"Oh! Uh, what did I miss?"

"Whew. Good thing I haven’t been reading thoughts lately, Buffy. I’m blushing just looking at ya." Willow stands up and waves me after her. "No time like the present, right? Upstairs, I think." We start to parade up the stairs. Halfway up, I hear a voice.

"Where are you guys going?" I turn and Dawn is standing at the bottom of the steps, hands on hips, eyes sparking a bit.

"Just up here."

She rolls her eyes. "Well, duh, Buffy. But why?" She claps her hands as the possibility strikes her. "Are you doing magic?" She starts to scramble up the stairs. My looks stops her. "What? Oh come on, please?"

I look at Tara and Will. "What do you think?"

"Well, it’s a pretty simple spell, Bu..Buffy. I guess it wouldn’t hurt for her to be exposed to it." Tara smiles down at Dawn.

I stare down at my sister. She is getting taller every day, I swear. And older. I sigh. "Okay, come on." She starts to squeak in excitement. "But, not a WORD during the spell, you got it?" Again with the eye roll. Those things are going to detach one of these days.

"Okay, okay. I’ll be quiet." She flies by us and heads for Will and Tara’s room. By the time we arrive, she is perched in a chair by the window, trying to contain her excitement. I would think magic would freak her out after that spell to bring Mom back, but she is back into it. I glance at Tara. I think their friendship has helped her see its good qualities.

"Where should I be, Willow?" She and Tara are placing a semi-circle of white candles around the bed.

She straightens up. "Actually, Buffy, what we need is something of Spike’s. Do you have anything?" Her brow furrows, she assumes I don’t since I was never that sentimental with him before.

I stand still for a second. "Um, yes." I head back to my room and go to the bed. I keep the letter under my pillow. But no, I don’t really want to share it. It’s really mine, not his now... The closet. There it is, right where I left it. I pull the black shirt out I came home in that morning. That horrible morning. I pull the fabric to my nose and inhale deeply. His scent is fading, but I still pick up a whiff of him. Dark and sensual, it goes straight to my knees. Reluctantly, I drop the shirt from my face and take it to them in the other room. When I get back, the candles are lit and Tara and Willow face each other, Indian-style, on the bed. "Where?" I hold out the shirt and Will takes it, laying it between them. She and Tara have already shifted into some other zone, so I just back away, leaning against the dresser.

Tara starts the chant. Words in some lost language. Willow joins in and I feel the air in the room growing more electric. My hair starts to whip around my face and I notice the same of everyone else. Dawn’s eyes are wide as saucers as the wind in the room picks up, swirling the gauzy curtains and tipping over small knick knacks. The two wicca are staring into each other’s eyes as their hands reach down to touch the shirt between them. A hum fills the room as their chanting grows faster and more unintelligible to me. I forgot how unnerving the magic can be. Just then, they pick up the shirt together and then touch hands. A bolt of white light shoots up at the ceiling and both their heads throw back. And just like that, it’s over. The room goes still.

They slowly break their grip on each other’s hands, but not on each other’s eyes. My eyes dart back and forth between their faces, searching for something. When Tara finally looks at me, I don’t like it. It is not the something I want to see. She reaches out to me, but I back away, my eyes growing wide, my head shaking. "Sweetie..."

"No! NO!" I back towards the door. It can’t be.

Willow speaks quietly, "We couldn’t find him, Buffy. I....I think he’s gone."

"Buffy! Wait!" Willow jumps up, grabbing my arm before I can escape the room. Suddenly, the smell of incense and candles is nauseating. I feel dizzy. This can’t be happening. It’s too warm in here. I think..I think...am I going to faint? I don’t faint..I’m Buf..... * thunk *





***Author’s Note: The song quoted in this chapter is by Michelle Branch, titled "Here with Me"***


 

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