Joyce patted her hair, “Oh do I have bed hair? I don’t look like scary mom do I?”

Buffy touched her mom’s hair, “No. You look beautiful.”

Joyce looked as though she was about to cry again, but she swallowed it down, “Okay, let’s do this. Stay close?”

Buffy nodded. Her mom was right. Dawn would need a minute.

Buffy slipped out of the room as Dawn slipped into it and into her mother’s arms. Closing the door a little Buffy turned and saw Riley. He touched her face and she fought not to flinch. She didn’t want to be comforted. “How are you doing?”

Buffy swallowed, “Minimal damage of the fighting kind. It’s all the other kind.”

Riley slipped his arms around her. “It’s okay, just let it out.”

Buffy felt her body tremble. Didn’t he understand? She couldn’t let go. Not right now. Her mother and sister were in the other room. They needed her to be strong for them. They didn’t need her to fall apart. She could fall apart when they weren’t leaning on her. She had had a cry tonight, and she didn’t doubt that she would cry again, but not now. “I can’t, not now. They need me.” At the hurt look on his face she tried to explain a little, “If I start now, I won’t be able to stop.”

* * *

Xander, Willow, and Giles fought for their lives. They shouldn’t have gone on patrol without Buffy. They all knew it. It wasn’t a good idea. But with Riley, they might have been okay. Strength in numbers and all that. Now they were fighting two particularly strong vamps and they seemed to be losing quickly. Xander had almost been staked and now he and Giles were being strangled. Willow fought to get back on her feet. She had to save her friends. Willow ran over and staked the demon that had once been a woman. The vampire exploded in a cloud of dust and the two men fell to the floor clutching their throats.

As they walked through the cemetery, Xander voiced what they were all thinking, “I think we should get points for showing up unlike some Riley Finn, who shall remain, unnamed.”

Giles, ever the optimist tried to excuse him, “Yes that was disappointing he may have been useful.”

Willow seemed to be on something of a high, “Oh piffahoonies him when I’m dusting two at a tim . . .” She came back to earth as her knees gave, “Maybe it would have been good if he had shown up.”

Giles looked behind him as though the ex-soldier would be stood there, “Perhaps he forgot.”

* * *

Riley lay there. On a filthy couch as a demon suckled on his arm. There was no denying that it was sexual. He was hard from it. He shivered as the vampire pulled more blood from him. He didn’t want to leave.

* * *

Buffy had gone to see Spike that night. In fact, she had gone to see him every night for the past week and a half. They had only made love on three of the nights. Granted they had . . . well, a lot. But the other times he had held her, they had even talked and she had let go and cried. She had really cried. One night she had even hit him. She hadn’t meant to, he hadn’t held it against her. She hadn’t even hit him hard, and there hadn’t even been a reason. He had just taken her in his arms.

She had spent every day at the hospital since. Dawn had been at school of course, but every spare moment was spent at the hospital. He sister was taking it very hard. She wasn’t even crying in front of her mother but Buffy had heard her at night. Sobbing her heart out. One of the night’s Buffy had even brought Dawn into her room. They had talked until Dawn had fallen asleep. Buffy was trying to help Dawn cope but it was hard for her to cope anyway. So, she helped her sister, and Spike helped her.

* * *

They were all at the hospital again. Buffy felt like this place was becoming a home away from home. All her friends were moving in and out of the place all the time and all of the staff knew them pretty well by now. Willow came to the door and waved her arm at Buffy signalling her to come out.

“Mom, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Dawn, look after her again.”

Dawn smiled at her sister, “Okay.”

Buffy slipped out of the door. “What’s up Will?”

Willow smiled, “I didn’t know if you wanted to be interrupted. Just thought maybe you wanted to talk?”

Buffy smiled at her friend, there were only a few people in this world she couldn’t fool. Willow was definitely one of them, “Oh. I’m okay. A little . . .oh, I don’t know. Worried, all the time. We just found out that mom’s having her operation the day after tomorrow. Mom is torn between happy that it’s finally happening and worry that it’s happening. I don’t know what to say. I never know what to do. I’m trying to look after Dawn all the time and not tell her how worried I am. She was crying so hard the other night that I had to being her into my room. I . . . I . . . “

Willow pulled her friend into a hug, “Needed to let go little?”

Buffy gave a half sob half laugh, “Yeah. I guess. Actually there was something that I was going to tell you before all of this happened.”

Willow flopped down into a chair, “Gossip? Ooooh. Do tell.”

Buffy laughed a little, “It’s not that interesting. Well . . . yeah okay it is.”

“What? Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“Well. I found out a couple of weeks ago that . . . Spike’s in love with me.”

Buffy watched as Willow’s mouth fell open, “What?”

“Yeah I know. I was going to tell you sooner but what with mom. Well . . .”

Willow waved it away, “So? What did you say?”

“I didn’t know what to say. And you mustn’t tell anyone about this right. No one. Only you and Giles know. You mustn’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I swear.” Willow scowled a little, “Now wait. The only reason you wouldn’t want to tell anyone is if you thought you had something to hide. Why would you? If it was, just a Spike crush you’d tell and we’d laugh about it. Do you have feelings for him?”

Buffy looked at the floor and nodded ever so slightly, “Maybe a little, okay a lot.”

For the second time in as many minutes, Willow’s mouth fell open. “Spike? The Spike that tried to kill us? The one who unleashed the Judge? The one who threatened to shove a broken bottle in my face?”

Willow didn’t actually sound angry, just surprised, “When you say it like that it sounds bad.”

Willow shook her head, “Well there are some definite good sides. I mean it’s not like he has a soul to lose. And well . . . he’s been a little bit different. He hasn’t been evil per se for a while. So I guess, I think I could get used to him. I don’t hate him. He’s definitely a bit different to the types of vamps you usually deal with.”

Buffy threw her arms around her friend, “See? Now this is why I chose to tell you first. I knew that you’d never judge me. Whether you agreed with me or not. This is why you’re my best friend.”

Willow grinned and blushed, “Of course I’d never judge you, but . . . what about Riley?”

Buffy’s smile faded, “I’m still with Riley. I just wanted to tell you how I felt. I’d say straight out about Spike’s feelings if I didn’t think that Xander be incredibly sarcastic and disparaging. But obviously mine are a little more . . . well, controversial.”

“I’d leave off telling Xander for a while if I were you.”

“Don’t worry I plan on it.”

Willow hugged her friend again, “Okay. Anyway, I have some stuff in the bag for you. And your mom.”

* * *

The book of spells had gone down particularly well with Dawn. Willow was glad that she had given that to her. What she wasn’t glad about was that she had seen Joyce . . . go weird. It had apparently scared the hell out of Dawn. “What was she talking about? That was weird.”

Willow didn’t really know what to say, fortunately, Buffy came out of the room shutting the door, “I’m sorry the doctor told me and I should have told you. The thing, that’s pressing on her brain. Sometimes it might make her say weird stuff.”

Dawn flinched, “Does she know she’s saying it?”

“Not really. But you saw her two seconds after, she was normal.”

Willow linked Dawn’s arm, “And after the operation, she’ll be all normal all the time.”

The girl’s strolled down the corridor talking a little. Just as they reached the chairs a man turned and stared at Dawn. “ . . . A picnic is in order. What is that thing? . . There’s no pictures on this one . . .what is the data . . . there . . . what is the data? There’s no one in there.”

A look of horror filled Dawn’s face, “Buffy.”

Willow frowned as she followed Buffy and Dawn away. That was weird.

* * *

“You know some of the stars we’re looking at, don’t even exist anymore. In the time it takes for their light to reach us they’ve died, exploded, poof.”

Tara looked over at her girlfriend. She felt the urge to put her arms around her. Willow was very close to the Summer’s family and she was feeling little of what Buffy and Dawn were feeling. Tara knew that Joyce had been there for Willow before, when a teacher had been killed, when they had fought the Initiative. Willow cared very much for Joyce, “Were things rough at the hospital?”

Willow just shrugged. Tara took that to mean ‘yes’. “I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They’re supposed to make you feel all insignificant but they made me feel like I was in space. Part of the stars. There Cannas Minor and Cassiopeia.”

Tara looked up and pointed at the stars, “And the big pineapple.”

Willow frowned, “I don’t think I know that one.”

Tara smiled, “Oh it’s a major one. You see those three bright stars over there?”

Willow nodded, “Yeah.”

“And see those other three stars there? That’s the bottom of the pineapple. The real ones never made any sense to me. I kinda have my own.”

Willow touched Tara’s arm, “Teach me.”

Tara smiled and leaned her head towards Willow, “See those stars there? Short man looking uncomfortable.” Both of the girls giggled, “Those, moose getting a sponge bath. And those, a little pile of crackers. That was a bit of a stretch.” Willow laughed, “You try it. What would you call that one?”

Willow relaxed a little, she appreciated Tara’s change of topic, “I see.” Willow’s relief lasted a few seconds until she saw a comet, “A huge flaming meteor about to crash into something.”

Both the girls stood and watched as the meteor came crashing to earth.

* * *

“This thing doesn’t work. It isn’t working.”

Buffy took the call button out of her mother’s hand, “I am sure they heard you.”

“I bet it’s not even hooked up to anything. Just like those push buttons at the cross walk they’re supposed to make the signal change.”

Buffy tried to stay calm. Her mother had been . . . off. It was the tumour. It was pressing on her brain. The doctor had told her about it. Fortunately, Dawn wasn’t noticing too much. Willow had given her a book on spells and Dawn had been absorbed in it for the past two hours, “I am sure that someone’s . . . wait the push buttons aren’t hooked up to anything?”

Buffy had apparently been right. The doctor came through the door, “Oh tell him Buffy. Tell him okay?”

Buffy placed a hand on her mother’s arm and nodded, “Look Doctor Kriegel we wanna go home.”

The doctor smiled sympathetically, “Of course. You can come back and visit your mother first thing in the morning.”

Buffy looked a little sheepish, “No, I mean ‘we’. All of us. My mom too.”

The doctor frowned and Buffy could see something switching on his brain, that kind of ‘pacify-the-patient’ mode, “Oh. Well I understand that, but it’s not exactly the first thing I’d recommend.”

Buffy was about to explain but her mother interrupted, “I can’t. I can’t stay here for two days waiting. I just can’t. It makes my head hurt to be here can’t you tell that?”

“Joyce there’s no need to get upset.”

“No reason to get upset, oh, right, sorry I must just think there is cause of my brain tumour.”

All of the adult eyes in the room immediately swivelled to Dawn, who instantly paled. Buffy fished some money out of her jeans pocket, “Dawn? Why don’t you get something from the machine?”

Dawn took the money and slipped out of the room. Joyce looked to her older daughter, “I’m sorry I said that I’m just tired.”

Buffy took charge. She was getting pretty good at that, “Look doctor, I don’t see why we can’t take her home, I mean just until . . .Wouldn’t it be better for her to rest somewhere where she felt safe and comfortable?”

Buffy physically saw the doctor give in, “Even if it would mean some work for you? Taking care of her?”

Joyce let out a breath, “Oh thank God.”

Buffy smiled, “I’ll do it, anything.”

The doctor shook his head, “There are medications to administer, and I’d have to go over those with you. And I would need you to check her vitals, watch her pretty closely. I’m afraid you wont get a lot of sleep.”

Buffy smiled at the simple absurdity of that statement. If she needed a lot of sleep she couldn’t have functioned as a Slayer, “I’m not much of a sleep person anyway.”

Joyce tried to get out of the bed, “Can we go now? Let’s go now?”

Buffy held her mom’s arm, “Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Let me get all the medications and all the instructions on how to do everything.”

The doctor smiled at her mother, “She’s right. Let’s do this right. We don’t wanna forget anything.”

* * *

The gang were checking out the meteor. Riley had opted to go with them. He felt guilty about abandoning them. After all, the reason for abandoning them hadn’t exactly been good. He’d been getting off on a vampire feeding off him. “I’m glad you called me in on this.”

Xander fixed him with a piercing stare, “Glad you answered.”

“Oh yeah sorry about last time.”

Xander didn’t stop staring at Riley. He knew that there was something going on with the soldier. He didn’t understand how Buffy hadn’t noticed it way before now. He could have understood if it had been a recent development, Buffy had every reason to be distracted now. But it had been going on for months. Xander had seen it with Dracula. It hadn’t ever seemed to fully go since Angel’s brief visit to Sunnydale last year; Riley never seemed to accept it.

Now something seriously not good was going on. It seemed that only he could see it.

* * *

The guys saw the meteor. It was the size of a car. It had obviously hit at one hell of a speed. There were tracks about sixty feet long at one side of it

“Is it hot?” asked Anya smiling.

Riley reached out to touch it.

“Cause if there’s radiation you could like, go all sterile.”

Xander beat a very hasty retreat, Riley carried on reaching forward. “No it’s not hot. It’s warm, and broken, it’s kinda . . .”

Giles looked at the meteor, “Hollow.”

Anya, who was still looking cheerful bounced on her toes to try to keep warm, “So we’re all thinking the same thing right?”

Willow linked Tara’s arm, “Something evil crashed to earth in this and then broke out and then slithered away to do badness.”

Giles raised his eyebrows in thought “In fairness we don’t know for sure about the slithered part.”

Anya looked at him, “Oh no. I’m sure it frisked about like a fluffy lamb.”

Tara voiced what no one else seemed willing to, “Let’s look around, maybe we can se where it went.”

Willow walked. Icky! As if they didn’t have enough problems living on top of a Hellmouth, now they had to deal with aliens. God! It really was not big with the fairness, and didn’t these things always pick their times. The one time when they really didn’t want to bother Buffy with demons. Willow was so caught up in her own thoughts that she almost fell over the body of a man. She seemed to be making a habit of that lately. Shopkeeper and then this one. “It went here.”

* * *

He really hadn’t been able to resist this. He missed this. Being treated like someone important. He didn’t feel like that with Buffy, he didn’t feel like top dog. He always felt like number two and after years of being respected and in charge, it was kinda tough to take. As he filled in the Major on all the information he had he revelled. The Major was impressed. Especially with the deduction about mentally sick people. In fact, the Major just seemed impressed full stop. Riley liked this. It was like coming home.

* * *

Buffy lay her mother down. Making sure that she swallowed her pills, the doctor had said that the pain could get bad without medication. Dawn lay down next to her mother and Buffy stood by the door watching. Dawn may be the key, but she was still a sister and a daughter, she was more a sister and a daughter before anything else.

Joyce suddenly pulled away, “Don’t touch me, you . . .you thing.”

Dawn looked as though she was about to cry, “Mom, please.”

Buffy was so shocked that for a second she couldn’t say anything, her mother apparently could, “You’re nothing, you’re a shadow . . . I don’t know who you are, how you got here.”

Buffy rushed forwards, “Mom, mom, its Dawn.”

Dawn backed out of the door, just as her mother seemed to come back to herself, “Dawn honey what’s wrong?”

Buffy heard Dawn shut the door, “She’s just tired, we all are. Come on.”

* * *

Riley hung up the phone. A Queller demon., probably summoned by that demon woman Glory. Tracking and feeding off crazy people. Riley looked around at the bodies in the ward. Well, a demon, they could deal with.

“Major?”

The man turned around, “Yeah?”

“Apparently according to the people I know, it’s a Queller demon.”

“Do you think that they are right?”

Riley smiled, “I’ve never known them to get it wrong.”

The Major nodded as a private rushed through the door. “We think we know where it’s gone Major.”

The entire group headed for the door. Following the signal, Graham announced in a rather defeated voice, “Trail stops here, edge of the parking lot.”

The Major did not seem pleased “It stops?””

Riley sighed in frustration, “A car. It hitched a ride. Probably underneath. So much for containment.”

The major scowled, “So some poor mental patient checks out of here today, this thing grabs on and they took it right to their own home.”

Riley felt his stomach clench, “Checked out today?”

“Set the trackers . . . “

Riley interrupted, “No, I know where it’s going. We gotta move, now.”

* * *

Buffy turned on the radio. She had been so scared. Dawn was no fool. She knew that there was something going on. Apparently, something similar had happened before. Buffy was afraid. Her sister could find out. She might not understand at first, but there was no way that she could keep the truth from her forever. Oh God. Buffy fought, she tried not to, but it was just touch much, the tears started and she couldn’t seem to stop them. Buffy put her hands to her face.

Buffy sobbed until she heard a knock at the door. She opened it to see Spike. “Hey. How did you know that we were home?”

Spike stepped over the threshold, “I just thought I’d check. You coping?”

Buffy nodded. Slowly the nodding turned into a shake. Spike leant down and kissed her. Buffy clung to him. “Spike . . .”

“It’s okay pet.”

Buffy pulled him down to the floor and climbed onto his lap. He held her, rocking her like a small child as she clung.

He was truly worried about her. She was trying to take on so much, with her mum and Dawn. She came to him sometimes and just cried like this.

* * *

“I wish some one had bothered to tell me that there would be tennis being play. I just didn’t know. Those eyes, those eyes, they’re like gasoline puddles. Tell me; tell me because I need to know why? Why are you staring at me like that? Is this the test? Did they tell you at the gate?”

Dawn lay in the next room listening to her mom. It was grating through her hearing her mom like that. Her mom and Buffy had always been there for her before. They were the strong ones; she needed them. Dawn stood; she had to talk to her mom.

Dawn opened her mom’s door to see a demon on top of her. It took a second for Dawn to register what she was seeing. She shook with panic. Her mom seemed to be choking. Dawn picked up a clothes stand in the corner and hit the demon, it fell off her mom and Joyce pulled something that looked like plastic goo on her face.

Dawn screamed as the demon threw itself over the bed. She ran round through the connecting door and pushed the exercise bike in front of it. She ran around the bed and shut the other door.

* * *

Buffy stood and pushed her hair out of her face. “Thanks Spike. You staying for a bit?”

Spike smiled and took her hand, “Can do slayer.”

They smiled at each other. But both of their heads flicked to the stairs when they heard Dawn scream, “BUFFY!”

They looked to each other and then they ran to the stairs.

Buffy opened the door of her mom’s room to see her mother wiping what looked like thick white glue off her face, “What?”

Dawn turned and saw Spike, “There’s something out there you guys it’s after mom.”

Buffy looked quickly to Spike and saw him nod, “You guys stay here don’t leave this room.”

Buffy pulled the door closed. As soon as she did she heard a thud and a stream of Spike’s colourful swearing. Turning around she saw him wrestling with some kind of creature. The thing had what looked like a beetle shell on it’s back; its head was small and round. Buffy couldn’t see it’s face but it was squealing. Spike stumbled backwards underneath the things weight and tumbled down the stairs. Buffy quickly followed and pulled the thing off him. It skittered round a corner and Buffy pulled Spike to his feet, “You okay?”

“I’ll un-live pet.”

“You sure?”

Spike smiled and nodded, “Let’s kill this thing though.”

Buffy nodded and went through to the kitchen. She took two knives out of the rack, gave one to Spike, and the two of them crept through the house.

Buffy turned at a noise, but if the thing had been there it disappeared.

Buffy indicated the passage way to the kitchen at the back of the house, Spike nodded and walked past her while she stayed at the front window. Buffy kept her eyes on the shadow until she heard an unmistakeable growl from Spike. Buffy ran through to see the thing on top of him. Buffy leant forward and sank her knife through its back. The demon let out and ear piercing squeal and jumped at Buffy. Spike watched as the Slayer fell backwards and hit the floor. He picked up his knife and threw it to her. Catching it in one hand, she sunk it into the demon’s back until it stopped moving.

Spike looked at her stuck under the body, “That’s a good look for you Slayer.”

Suddenly Buffy was struck with the hilarity of her on her dining room floor under the body of a demon. She started to giggle. Spike leant against the doorframe as he laughed. “Okay you bleached moron get this thing off me.”

Spike, still laughing, walked towards her. Before he got two paces the front door burst open. About twelve men with guns came through the door. One of them turned and saw the demon on the floor. Buffy wriggled trying to get out from under it.

Spike saw what was about to happen. The soldier aimed at the demon apparently thinking that it was still moving. “No!” Spike rushed forwards. Before he could get there, Riley came through the door and saw him. He moved forward and caught Spike by the arm, “What the hell are you doing here?”

The soldier pulled the trigger, just before Spike could stop him.

Spike turned and heard Buffy groan.

Pushing the demon off Buffy and ignoring the twinge in his head he reached for Buffy, “Pet? Slayer are you okay?”

Buffy looked art him, “Yeah. It just hit me in the shoulder. What are these guys doing here?”

Spike slipped into game face without realising, “They came here with soldier boy.”

Buffy took a second to realise what he was saying. She looked up at Riley, “You, you got the military involved? After what happened last time you brought them to my house?”

Buffy’s voice was quivering with rage. Riley flinched. Partly from her obvious anger and partly from the fact that Spike still had two hands on is girlfriend’s arms. “I had no choice. We knew that there was a demon out there killing mentally sick people. You weren’t reachable with your mom. I had to do something.”

Buffy’s eyes flashed, “So, you didn’t let the gang, people with five years experience let me remind you, help? You called in the army to my town. When you know how I feel about them. When you know that they invented something that tried to kill all humans and go ‘Frankenstein.’ You called them in without checking with me or I assume, friends. You brought them here and they have now shot me in the arm and you thought that I would what? Thank you?”

Riley flushed. She didn’t understand. That he needed this. This was what he was good at. He needed the respect given to him. It made him feel good. But he also felt a little guilt, “Are you okay?” Buffy seemed to be going a little pale.

She stumbled to her feet, “Don’t. Touch. Me. Spike, can you help me upstairs I need to check on them? Then I need you to get me to the hospital.”

Riley felt a surge of jealousy, “I’ll help you. We can go straight to the hospital after.”

Buffy turned her blazing eyes on him. “You will get these people out of my home and out of my town.”

Riley squirmed uncomfortably, “Buffy they’re the military. They’re kinda in charge.”

Buffy looked like she was about to explode with rage, “Get them out. If you don’t, I will. They can threaten all they want but let’s face it. When it comes to the supernatural, they’re amateurs in the worst way. Boys playing with toys. They can’t actually do anything to me, all I would have to do is break a few legs.”

Spike fought the urge to laugh. Buffy was right of course. These army boys were no match for her. If he were Riley, God forbid, he’d get them out of there quick. He hadn’t seen the slayer this pissed off since he had kidnapped Angel. Spike put an arm under hers and helped her up the stairs.

“Don’t tell them I’ve been shot okay?”

Spike nodded, “I won’t pet.”

She tried to explain, “They’d just worry, and you know. Mom’d worry . . .”

Spike cut her off, “I know and don’t worry. I won’t say a word

Buffy seemed to have lost her steam a little. She opened the door and slipped inside, “It’s gone. I killed it.”

Joyce looked up, “Oh thank God. Are you two okay?”

Spike stepped forward, “We’re okay. Just a little scratch.”

Joyce saw the blood and paled, “Are you okay? Oh my God Buffy. . .”

Spike came forward, “It’s okay Joyce. Just a scratch. We’ll get it looked at but it’s fine.”

Joyce smiled. “Okay.”

Dawn took her sister’s hand, “It’s gone?” She looked to Spike, “You promise.”

Spike put his hand on her head, “It’s gone. Promise.”

Buffy put her arm around her sister and rested her sore arm on her sister’s shoulder pulling them both into a hug, “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.”

Two days later they were all back at the hospital. Buffy’s arm was almost healed. Thank God for being a Slayer. Spike had been more worried about it than she had. Apparently the bullet had gone straight through the flesh and the hospital staff couldn’t understand how it was almost healed over in forty eight hours.

Buffy sat on the bed with her mother. She could tell that her mother wanted to talk to her about something; she was just waiting for the right moment. Buffy sat and waited for it too.

“Buffy. I wanna ask you about something. Two things actually.”

Buffy took her mother’s hand and smiled, “Go ahead.”

“Well, firstly. I wanted to ask you. Is there something going on? With . . . someone who isn’t Riley.”

Buffy flushed, “What makes you say that?”

“The way that Spike looks at you. The way you look at him. I wouldn’t ask you but with me going in for this operation. I might not get another chan . . .”

Buffy cut her mother off, “No, mom. You will.”

Joyce smiled and squeezed her daughter’s hand, “I just wanted to tell you. I know how hard you have worked to try and keep some of your life separate from your life as a Slayer. You have tried. You’ve gone to college and tried to have a normal relationship. But . . .”

“What?”

“You were happier when you were with Angel.” Buffy looked down with tears in her eyes. “I know that, you’ll always love him in a way, but I also know that it can’t work out with him. It’s not possible. But from what I’ve seen, you’ve been happier since Spike came into your life in a . . . personal capacity. I don’t want you to think that I don’t understand. That you’ll ever disappoint me. I want you to be happy and if that’s with Spike . . . I can accept that. And anyway, I like Spike.”

Buffy smiled as the tears ran down her face, “Thanks mom.”

“Life’s too short to not do what you want to be happy.”

Buffy leant forward and hugged her mother. “Thank you.”

“Your welcome. Oh, that was emotional.”

Buffy laughed, “Yeah.”

“But there is something else.”

Buffy wiped her face, “What is it?”

“This is about . . . Dawn”

Buffy felt her heart clench. Her mom couldn’t know.

“The other day. I’m not sure when actually, the days seem to all bleed together.”

“It’s not important.”

“No, I guess it isn’t. I do know I was pretty out of it, and I had . . . not a dream exactly . . . more like I had this knowledge, it just came to me like truth you know.”

Buffy felt the tears stream down her cheeks again, her mother knew, “What?”

“That Dawn, she’s not mine is she?”

Buffy dropped her head and took a deep breath. Meeting her mother’s eyes she whispered, “No.”

Joyce closed her eyes, and squeezed them, “She’s, she does belong to us though.”

“Yes she does,” Buffy, said it with all her heart; trying to convey to her mother just how much Dawn belonged to them.

“And she’s important, to the world precious. As precious as you are to me. Then we have to take care of her. Buffy you must promise, if anything happens to me if I don’t come through this . . .”

Buffy tried to cut off her mother again, “Mom, no . . . ”

“No. No, listen to me. No matter what she is, she still feels like my daughter. I have to know that you’ll take care of her that you’ll keep her safe, that you’ll love her like I love you.”

Buffy clutched her mother’s hands, “I promise.”

Joyce swallowed a sob, “Good . . . good.” Joyce flung her arms around Buffy, “Oh, my sweet brave Buffy. What would I do without you?”

Buffy fought not to cry as she held her mother.

* * *

Riley was there at the hospital with them. Buffy had pretty much just forgiven him for the military involvement. She hadn’t had the energy to keep falling out with him. She was too worried about her mom.

Spike had subtly called in to see her but he’d had to leave after a while because they were sitting in a sun filled waiting room.

She wished that she’d begged him to stay. She needed him there. Riley was . . . well he wasn’t the same. What her mom had said to her was on her mind too. It was true that Spike made her happy, but Riley made her happy too. It was just different. He gave her what she needed, a small part of her life being normal; even if it was only an act and only for a little while. Buffy felt Riley take her hand, “I can’t stand this. What’s taking so long?”

Riley squeezed her hand and smiled, “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You think?”

“I’d be more worried if you’re mom was out of surgery quickly, it might mean that they couldn’t do much.”

* * *

Willow was practically squirming in her seat. She hated the waiting. She hated the not knowing and the worrying. Before when she had heard stories of bereaved families talking about how the only thing worse than grieving was the not knowing, she had not understood. How could anything be worse than losing someone? Now she did understand, sort of. You were just left to desperately hope that things would be okay. There was no end to that horrible feeling of snakes squirming around in your stomach; of the feeling that there’s more that you can be doing to help.

Looking over at Buffy and Riley gave her that squirmy feeling times ten. Buffy didn’t need extra pressure right now and as well as her mother, she was trying to deal with Spike; it was unfair on so many levels. Buffy didn’t need this. Willow felt the intense urge to take her friend in her arms and try to comfort her somehow. Buffy had so much pressure on her at the best of times, now she was trying to deal with her mom, and the added weight of Dawn relying on her, and now men. God. She could definitely remember why she had given up on them.

Willow was surprised that Giles hadn’t gone to stake Spike on the spot when he had found out. Though she though that Buffy had told her more than she had told Giles. After their talk in the hospital, Buffy and her had talked again and Buffy had confessed that she had slept with Spike. Willow had had a little trouble dealing with that revelation but it wasn’t her place to judge her friend, she never would. But she didn’t think that Buffy would have told Giles about that bit, a little bit too much for paternal type ears.

Willow almost smiled, she hoped she was there if Buffy told Xander.

* * *

There was something different about Riley; Xander could see it. He was. . . different. He was worried for the ex-soldier. He could see that there was something coming. There was no way that this situation wasn’t going to implode.

Apart from all that, Xander thought that there might be something going on with Buffy. He could be wrong; it could be nothing, it might just be stress from her mom, but he wasn’t sure. There was something.

* * *

Riley felt useless. Buffy was still distancing herself from him, when he had taken her hand, she had held for a second and then she had pulled away and held Dawn in her arms, stroking the young girls forehead and playing with her hair. She wouldn’t turn to him for comfort even now, unconsciously or otherwise she turned to every one but. Her sister, Willow, Giles and Xander, yes. Him? No.

Riley was getting itchy feet he wanted to get out of there, he wanted to go back to the nest where he’d found the vamps who accepted money and then they’d bite him. There were other people there, they got off on the feeding too, but he wasn’t like them, they were pathetic people who couldn’t find any other way to feel like that, he only went . . .well he still wasn’t like them.

* * *

Giles just didn’t know what to do. The hurt seemed to be coming off his slayer in waves. She was scared too, scared of losing her mother and what that would mean to their family. Giles was afraid of losing Joyce too. He cared for the woman very much. She was a good woman. And aside from everything else, Joyce was someone that could always be relied upon. With her, he had always felt like the weight of his responsibility to Buffy was split, he didn’t have to try to bear it all, because she loved her daughter and would always be there to help him if he asked. And now with this new development with Spike, Giles had a horrible feeling that he would probably need her. Especially as Giles was getting the impression, that Buffy hadn’t told him everything.

* * *

Buffy stood walked towards the doctor as he came toward them, holding Dawn’s hand. She saw her friends all stand up out of the corner of her eye.

“Everything went fine we’re moving her into recovery.”

Buffy felt her heart jump, “How is she?”

“Well the good news is that we were able to visualise the tumour which means that I was able to get all of it. So barring complications in recovery I think that you’re mother’s going to be fine. We’ll watch her carefully for the next couple of days and have her back in for some follow up testing”

Buffy felt tears sprig to her eyes. She turned to her sister and flung her arms around her slight body. She and her friends hugged each other and Buffy turned to the doctor, “Oh doctor, doctor, thank you so much.”

The doctor started to say how no thanks was necessary but Buffy just flung her arms around him and hugged him until her cried out in pain, “Oh. Sorry, sorry.

* * *

Riley caught Buffy by the wrist just as they were heading out. The two girls had been allowed in to see their mother but worrying medical staff and that intern Ben, whose interest in Buffy had not escaped Riley, had soon herded them out. “Buffy, I was wondering if maybe we could have an evening at your house tonight to celebrate your mom’s good news, dinner, music? Sound good?”

Buffy smiled, “Yeah. Sounds good.”

Buffy had no idea what she was going to do but for now, it had to be good enough. She could probably just say that s was too tired. Oh well, she’d not worry just yet. “Does half eight sound good?”

Riley smiled, “Yeah.”

* * *

Buffy headed for the cemetery after getting some lunch with dawn. As a treat, they had ordered whatever they had wanted and however much of ii they felt like from the Double meat Palace and they had eaten almost all of it. For the first time in days they had laughed, joked, and eaten well. Buffy had dropped Dawn off at home to get a couple few hours sleep, or watch some TV. She hadn’t made her younger sister go to school, it was way past lunch and she was exhausted anyway; she probably wouldn’t have been much good at school anyway.

But Buffy had to se Spike, she wanted to tell him about her mother, she had never been in such a good mood. She just wanted to see him. Opening the crypt door she stepped in, “Spike?”

Spike appeared from what appeared to be some kind of a lower level, “I’m here pet.” Spike only had to take one look at Buffy’s face to know, “She’s all better then?”

Buffy’s grim spread across her face, “She’ll be home in a few days.”

Spike smiled, a genuine smile, “That’s the best news I’ve had in while.”

Buffy let out a little giggle and threw herself across the room into his arms. She kissed him hard and he clutched at her back. Buffy pulled Spike over to the sarcophagus in the centre of the room and pulled his shirt over his head. Running her hands over his back and chest.

Spike slipped his hands under the fabric of her shirt and pulled it off her. Spike felt her slip off her pants and panties. She reached for the clasp of his jeans. Spike pushed her legs apart and slipped inside of her. She was perfect every time they made love, she was so hot and wet and so perfect. Buffy grasped his ass from behind and squeezed as he drove into her making her scream as he angled hitting her clit every time pushed himself into her. Spike rubbed his fingers over her slippery clit as she rocked backwards and forwards crying out everytime he moved inside of her. Spike clutched her back as she came shuddering. He came a few seconds later sucking on her nipples as she came down, stroking the side of his face.

Spike lifted his head and smiled at her, “I love you slayer.”

Buffy smiled and kissed him.

Spike closed his eyes and tried not to notice that she didn’t say it back.

* * *

Buffy lay dozing, curled up against Spike for about an hour. Until he rubbed her arm and brought her back to reality, “If you’ve got a while pet, there’s something that I think that we should deal with.”

Buffy frowned slightly and looked at him, “What?”

“There’s a vamp nest down town. They run a business from there, I think that you might want to shut them down.”

“What kind of business?”

Well, Spike wondered how to phrase this delicately, but it was obvious really that that wasn’t exactly possible, “Well, humans go there and they pay the vampires to bite them and feed off of them.”

Buffy looked at him like he’d told her that the sky was green, “What?”

“They get off on it. It’s like they get off on it, it’s a sexual thing.”

“You’re kidding right? Why would anyone get off on being fed off? It’s painful and well, painful.”

“Buffy, some people get off on being whipped and beaten.”

* * *

Riley walked down the street. He wasn’t due at Buffy’s for an hour and a half. Enough time to pay a little visit to his less pleasant . . .friends. He felt guilty every time he walked through the door to see the vamps, but he couldn’t seem to help himself, he needed it. He needed them.

Riley pushed open the door and stepped over the threshold, the sun had gone down half an hour ago, meaning that this place was already doing business. The man on the door instantly recognized Riley, “Upstairs tonight?”

Riley nodded, he liked to do this in private, “Yeah, the usual.”

The vamp nodded and knocked on the door of the room next to him. A few seconds later a female came out and smiled at Riley. Riley didn’t smile back bur he let her take his arm and lead him upstairs.

* * *

“I don’t have a preference. You?”

Spike thought for a second, “I’ll take downstairs. There will be more down there. You can deal with the upstairs quickly as possible, and then come, and help me. You okay with that pet?”

Buffy smiled and nodded her head.

When the pair got little close, Buffy put her hand on Spike’s arm, “Wait, I think I’ve got an idea. How is the upstairs laid out?”

“Into, like private rooms.”

Buffy thought, “We should do the upstairs together, fast, and quiet. We’d just take some out so that we didn’t have to face them all at the same time.”

Spike nodded, “Good plan. All right upstairs first.”

* * *

Riley closed his eyes in pleasure as the vampire suckled at his arm. It felt incredible. He needed this so bad. It was amazing. He knew that he was betraying his girlfriend, getting off on being with the things that he was meant to kill but he couldn’t help himself.

* * *

Buffy was hoisted up and she slipped through a window that was no longer technically a window, well it didn’t have glass or a frame anymore anyway. Spike lifted himself silently over the ledge and they both crept through the room silently. There was girl lying on the floor, she had two vamps feeding off her, and she was moaning in pleasure. Buffy looked to Spike and wrinkle her nose up in displeasure. She moved forward and staked the first vamp. The second one looked up with blood dripping off his chin and snarled at Buffy but before he could do anything, Spike staked the thing in the back. The girl looked ready to cry out but Buffy punched her in the face knocking her out. Spike could tell that Buffy had been careful not to really hurt the girl but her was still shocked,” Did I just see you hit a human pet?”

Buffy looked at him and smiled slightly, “It was either that or she could have screamed and woken the whole place and then we’d get caught. Lesser of two evils.”

Spike shrugged and smirked, “I’ll remember that.”

Buffy put her finger to her lips, “Next door.”

Spike nodded and followed her. She opened the door and saw a man. He had another male attached to his neck. Buffy cringed again and quickly dealt with the pair knocking her second human unconscious.

Spike stayed in the door way and as she was checking the pulse of the man he slipped out of the door. Creeping along the corridor, he opened the next door and saw something that he really did not believe. Riley, Mr Initiative, soldier boy, he had a female attached to his arm. Spike felt himself freeze; he didn’t know what to do. This was going to hurt Buffy so badly. Spike had made his mind up to close the door and tell Buffy that there was no one in there when he heard the slayer make a small sound next to him. He quickly turned and saw her staring at the pair. He wanted to take her away, to take away this horrible scene in front of her.

Riley heard someone make a noise in the doorway; he lifted his head, intending to tell whomever it was to get lost. His eyes settled first on Spike and then on, “Buffy . . .”

Buffy looked for a second and then she turned. Buffy ran down the stairs and out of the door. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This could not be happening. Not Riley. He was a good person. He was her boyfriend the person that she trusted. He was her ‘normal’ person. The person meant to bring her a perfect relationship. Buffy didn’t stop; she just kept running.

* * *

Spike didn’t follow her. She wouldn’t want him. She didn’t want him for anything except convenience. She came to him when she couldn’t go to Riley. Spike had seen the look on her face when she had seen Riley, the depth of the hurt there. Didn’t she realize that she had been doing the same thing? She had been cheating on Riley with him. Not any more. Spike wouldn’t do it anymore. He wouldn’t help her pretend that everything in her relationship with that idiot was fine. He wanted her to see how wrong the whole thing was between her and Riley. He wouldn’t play a secondary role to the soldier anymore. She was going to have to choose.

* * *

Buffy crawled into bed. She was worried; she didn’t feel as bad as she should. She knew that she had been doing the same thing to Riley with Spike if not worse because there had been actual sex. Riley was just getting off on the rush. But she felt betrayed anyway. Her normal guy, the one that she had clung to in her mind as the only thing helping to make her a normal girl had let her down. That was it. That was what she felt. Let down. Like something that she’d been counting on had suddenly shown itself to be something else entirely. It gave her a horrible feeling in her stomach. Did this mean that any pretence at normality was gone? Then what was the point in even trying? Buffy felt herself begin to cry. She didn’t know why she was crying she didn’t even know what this whole set of events meant. She just wished that she could fix it. She wished that Spike were there.

* * *

Riley lay on his bed thinking. Buffy had practically found him in the arms of another woman. He felt so unbelievable horrible for betraying her that it was like a physical ache in her stomach. And now the army. They wanted him back; he was good enough at something for them to want him back. But if he went with them, he would never see Buffy again. He couldn’t so that. If she wanted him, if she could look him in the face and tell him that she needed him he wouldn’t leave her, he would stay, he loved her. He loved her more than anything. How had she found out where he was? How had she known. . . SPIKE!

* * *

Spike sat in his chair trying to get blind drunk, unfortunately it wasn’t working. He was too depressed to get drunk. He had seen her face, the desperation and the hurt. If she felt that strongly about the guy then maybe there never could be anything real between the two of them. Maybe he was just wasting his time even hoping for it. He felt oddly cut off; like it wasn’t his place to go to the girl he loved and comfort her. He felt like he would be interfering in something that wasn’t his business. He wanted to go to her though. To touch her, make love to her and tell her that he loved her. Spike was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of his door being thrown open. He could smell instantly that it wasn’t the person he wanted it to be it was that idiot of a soldier boy instead that was getting off on being fed from.

“What took you? It takes a while to get to full strength after the bite.”

Riley was fuming, that thing was the reason that Buffy was hurting. This demon, which fed off people when it could, was the reason that the woman he loved might never speak to him again. Riley couldn’t bear it, the very idea of it. That Spike was responsible. Spike! He already knew that the vampire had a major thing for HIS girl. He had thought about forgetting about it, focussing on fixing things with Buffy, but no. He had learnt something very basic in the military. The first thing that you did when there was a problem was remove the complication. In this particular scenario Spike was nothing more than the complication. After he was gone and he could no longer poison Buffy’s mind against him. He would simply remove the complication.

Riley punched the vampire across the face. “You bastard! Did you ever think that someone like Buffy would look twice at you? You’re an evil demon and she’s the Slayer. You’re nothing to her you never could be. Do you get it? You never could be.”

Spike stopped Riley’s hand before it made contact with his face again. The boy really wasn’t up to much and Spike knew it but he couldn’t fight back and that meant he as effectively he was about to be staked, unless he could stop the boy another way, “Come on. You’re not the long haul guy and you know it.”

“Shut up!” Riley yelled into Spike’s face, but he wasn’t about to give up that easily.

“You know it. Or else you wouldn’t be getting suck jobs from two bit vampire trolls.”

Riley tried to pull away from Spike but the blonde still had hold of his fist in an iron grip, “Let me go.”

“No. You do know it. The girl needs a monster in her man. And that’s not in your nature, no matter how low you try to go.”

For a second Riley seemed to slump against the wall, as the full weight of what Spike was saying hit him and hit him hard. He knew what the ‘evil demon’ was saying was true whether he wanted to believe it or not. He couldn’t please Buffy at least not yet, but he refused to believe that it wasn’t possible, he would find a way. Spike was the problem. Riley pulled his hand away from Spike’s grasp and tried to punch the vampire again but Spike ducked and Riley’s hand collided with the stone pillar in the centre of the room. Riley cried out in pain and anger and tried to kick him.

Spike knocked his foot away careful to keep any thoughts of hurting the boy out of his head. He knew that he couldn’t keep this up forever and he couldn’t focus anyway. He knew that he had hurt Riley, but Riley had hurt him and Spike wasn’t as good at taking it. He dodged and ducked but it wasn’t long before the boy managed to land a blow. Spike found himself pinned to the same pillar that Riley had punched with the boy’s blood streaming from his cut hand. “Look, I didn’t know that you were there all right? You did this to yourself, don’t kill the messenger.”

Riley pulled a stake from him pocket and held it up, “Why the hell not?”

* * *

Buffy walked through the cemetery. She really needed to talk to Spike. When she thought back on how she must have hurt him, running off and leaving him like that she felt sick to her stomach. He must have been so hurt that she just ran off, but she hadn’t really known how else to react. She had just needed a little time to deal and think and clear her head.

Unfortunately it hadn’t really worked out as planned. She still didn’t know what to do. As unfair as she knew that she was being she needed for him to help her, just be there, and let her shout, scream, tell him she hated the world and everyone in it. She knew that he would let her.

Buffy pushed open the door of the crypt. She couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Riley threw Spike against a pillar in the centre oft room. Spike looked frustrated and Buffy could tell by Spike’s split lip and the cut on Riley’s hand that Riley had been there for a while. Spike was gasping with unneeded breath, “Look, I didn’t know that you were there all right? You did this to yourself, don’t kill the messenger.”

Buffy watched in horror, frozen to the spot as Riley pulled a stake from his pocket and drew his arm back, “Why the hell not?”

Buffy threw herself across the room and caught Riley’s arm just as the stake pierced Spike’s skin.

Buffy pushed back against Riley’s arm and sent him flying hard to the floor. Before he even moved she ran her hand over Spike’s chest, “Are you okay?”

Spike grimaced in pain and rolled his shoulder backwards, “I’ll unlive pet.”

Buffy turned to or rather turned on Riley. “What the hell is going on?”

Riley stumbled to his feet. He was embarrassed that his tiny girlfriend, although he didn’t know if she wanted that title anymore, could send him sprawling on his ass with one hand, “I was dealing with a demon.”

Buffy’s eyes flashed, “So this is how you deal with demons? Cause I thought you got naked and let them bite you while you got off on it. Was I wrong? Is it only demons that CAN’T hurt people that you kill? Is that it?”

Riley flushed red, “Spike’s still a demon.”

“Maybe so. But I’m the Slayer Riley not you. If anyone stakes Spike it won’t be you.”

Riley glared hard at her, “Why do you care?”

“Don’t start on this. I think that we need to talk. Privately somewhere.”

Spike felt his heart being squeezed. If he had laid one finger on anyone, Buffy would have killed him, but because it was Riley, all she wanted to do was ‘talk’. Spike was angry. It hurt. Even now, she wouldn’t tell him the truth, she wouldn’t confess that she cared for him and that’s why she had stopped Riley from staking him. She just didn’t get it. Did she see how much it hurt him that she was ashamed of caring for him, or maybe that was it? Maybe she didn’t give a damn. “Slayer, can we talk for a second . . . in private.”

Buffy looked at him puzzled but she nodded, “Okay.”

Riley stepped forward, “I will not leave you here alone with that thing.”

Buffy glared at him again, “At the moment you have no say in what I do or don’t do. I’m not in any danger here. Now I will meet you at the Magic Box. I have to go and check up on my mom and Dawn, she’s with Willow and Tara. I’ll see if she wants to stay over and then meet you at the shop at six.” Riley looked ready to speak again in protest, “Don’t push it Riley. Just. Don’t. Push. It.”

Riley turned and walked out.

* * *

Buffy turned back to Spike as soon as the door was closed and ran her hand over the wound on his chest again, “Oh God. Are you sure that you’re all right? That was way too close for comfort.”

Spike pulled away from her touch. He needed to try to think clearly, about what he was going to say to her, her touching him did not help with that. “Buffy, this can’t go on.”

Buffy smiled, “I know. Don’t worry I’ll make sure that he doesn’t come round again. I’ll make sure, I promise.”

Spike sighed, “No. I mean this,” Spike pointed to her and then to him, “This. This can’t go on.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Buffy . . .” Spike was trying to think of how to phrase this so that it didn’t sound too bad. “Buffy I love you. I know what I said. That I’d be okay and that we could do this. But, well, I was wrong pet. It hurts every time that you walk out of here and I know that I have no right to stop you because I told you that it was okay for you to do it. But know it’s not.”

Buffy could feel her eyes filling up with tears, “So . . .what? This is it? We’re over. You don’t want to be with me anymore.”

Spike moved forward, “No Slayer. That is not what I’m saying. I want to be with you more than anything. I love you more than you can possible imagine. But I’m saying that I won’t play second fiddle to soldier boy anymore.”

“So you’re saying that . . .you’re telling me to choose between the two of you?”

Spike nodded, “I don’t mean to do this to you. I know that it isn’t fair, but I won’t keep feeling like this, like you’re ashamed of me. You’re happy as long as I’m in the background and out of sight but I won’t do it anymore. If I’m going to be with you, it has to be for real. You have to have me in your life all the time not just when it suits. You want me when you need me and I want to be there for you, but I want the rest too. I want the fighting and the shagging and the living and just well . . . everything. I wont do anything if you choose him, I’ll just . . . go”

Buffy just stared, she knew that she had been being unfair to him, but she didn’t want to do this. What was she supposed to do? Choose Riley and never know if it could be anything with Spike? Or choose Spike and loose the only thing in her life tat made her like a normal girl? She was about to speak but Spike cut her off, “Don’t. Not yet. Go and speak to your boy. Tell me when you decide.”

Spike stood and watched her walk out of the crypt. For the first time in a very long time he prayed to whoever was listening for her to choose him.

* * *

Buffy did go and check on her mom and on her sister. Then she just walked. What had been hurt had quickly changed into anger. He just didn’t get it. Did he think that she would spend any time with him at all if she didn’t care about him? Why would she be with . . .spending any time with him if she didn’t care, it should be obvious to anyone that she had feelings for him even if she wasn’t sure exactly what those feelings were. Now he was giving her an ultimatum, ‘decide or we call it quits.’ She just couldn’t believe the unfairness of it all

* * *

It was a quarter to eight when she finally got to the Magic Box. She walked through the door to see Anya and Xander talking at the counter. “Hey guys.”

Xander turned and smiled a little, “Hey Buff. You okay?

Buffy nodded, “Is he in there?”

“Yeah. Need to talk?”

Buffy smiled back at her friend, he knew her well, “Maybe later. First I need to talk to him.”

Xander moved forward and squeezed her shoulder, “We’ll get out of your way.”

Buffy squeezed his hand. “Thanks.”

Buffy heard her friends leave and slipped into the training room, “I’m sorry I’m late I was . . . well I was walking.”

Riley stood, “We need to talk about this. We need to have this out.”

Buffy folded her arms, “So were do we start, how about, how long have you been putting your life in danger to get yourself a happy with the undead?”

Riley flushed, “How about . . . could you just please hear me out?”

“Fine.”

Riley paced for a few seconds, “I think that when this whole thing started it was just some stupid immature game. I wanted to event eh score after you let Dracula bite you.”

Buffy turned on him, “For the love of God Riley how many times do we have to go thought this, I did not LET Dracula . . .”

Riley cut her off holding up his hands, “I know. On some level, I know that. But I was still spun. You know. I wanted to know what it was that you felt. I wanted to know why it is that Dracula and Angel have so much power over you.”

Buffy felt a strong urge to hit him in the face, “You so don’t get it do you?”

“I wanted to get it Buffy. I wanted to get you.”

Buffy knew at that moment with sickening clarity that it was true; he didn’t get it. He didn’t get her, “So what? You thought that by going out and almost getting yourself killed you’d be able to understand me better. Is that it?”

“Buffy, I feel like hell for what I’ve put you through. But these girls. They made me feel something Buffy. Something that I didn’t even know that I was missing until I first felt that bite.”

Buffy shook her head. “Why is it that you feel such an intense need to explain this to me? Why do you need to tell me why you’ve been nearly getting yourself killed by the things that I am chosen to destroy? Is it that they give you something I can’t, well until I grow an extra set of teeth I can’t give you that.”

“It wasn’t the actual bite that did it. It was that they needed me.”

Buffy fought the urge to laugh, “They needed your money, and do you really think that it was about you?”

“NO. On some basic level, it was about me. My blood, my body. When they bit me it was, beyond passion.”

Buffy knew that at this moment her heart should be breaking, she should feel abandoned and betrayed. She didn’t know why, but she knew that although she was hurting her heart wasn’t broken, “Riley, I don’t know why you are telling me this?”

Riley closed his eyes, “I know that what I had with them wasn’t real it was just something physical. But I craved it; I kept going back. They made me feel like they needed me.”

Buffy spoke and what she said was meant to come out as a question but as she said it, she knew that it was simply a fact, “And I don’t make you feel that way. It’s just that I don’t know what else it is that you want from me Riley. I have tried. I have given you everything that I have and it doesn’t seem to be enough for you.”

“You say that but I don’t feel it I just don’t feel it. You don’t need me no matter what you say. You never just let me take care of things. You need to be on top of everything all the time. You never let me take care of you. You never really lean on me.”

They were back to this then. His issues over her being stronger than him, he’d never been very good at handling it. “Then we have a problem.” Riley was crying, but she wasn’t, she was numb.

“They want me back Buffy. The military want me back. Some deep undercover stuff. No contact with civilians. Transports going tonight from the park.”

Buffy looked at him, what was he saying. “When were you going to tell me about this?”

“I’m telling you now. If you want me to stay, tell me now. If you love me and want me to stay, please just tell me now.”

Buffy’s mouth dropped open, “You’re, you are giving me an ultimatum?”

“No I’m not . . .”

“Yes you are, you expect me to get over it now or you’re gone.”

“I just need. . . I need you to give me a reason to stay.”

Buffy looked at him for a second. She couldn’t deal with this. She turned and walked away.

* * *

Riley listened to the bell jingle as the door shut. His knees gave way and he collapsed onto the floor. She left. Why didn’t she ask him to stay, why didn’t she beg him to if necessary? Why couldn’t he be enough? She had barely seemed to care.

* * *

Buffy just walked. Her head was spinning. In one night both of the man in her life had told her that they wanted her, and that if she couldn’t deliver they were going to leave. Now she just didn’t know what to do. She hated the idea of ‘choosing’. How did she choose? She didn’t even know how to think let alone what to feel. It just made her body hurt all over.

Spike. She could lean on him. She could lean on him and he would be there to hold her up if she fell. But Riley would be there too, so what was the difference. Well she felt like she could with Spike, he was there without making her feel weak. He helped to keep her on her feet. But Riley was the normal person that she had craved for years. If she let him go she might never get another chance and he was the kind of guy that she had fought for most of her life, trying to have a life not dominated by Slaying.

As Buffy walked, she became aware of them. The vampires surrounding her. She stopped and looked around her. One of them spoke, “You killing two of my best was a bad idea Slayer.”

Buffy recognised one of the vamps from the night before, “It felt pretty good to me.”

“I’m not running and you’re not shutting me down.” Buffy saw four more vamps melt out of the shadows, “In fact. You’re not going to last the night”

Buffy looked around at the vamps, “Walk away. Don’t do this, not now.”

Apparently, the vamps weren’t in the mood to be listening to a vampire Slayer. Buffy kicked and punched her way through them until she managed to get through their throng and get hold a weapon. She managed to get her hands on a long pointed sharp staff which had been propped up next to a dumpster. She took four of them out in the space of about one minute. She next one, the boss, she assumed jumped at her, she simply ducked and used his own body weight to impale him on the staff. Buffy turned the staff on the last vamp, a female sporting a rather nasty black eye. Buffy realised with sickening horror that this was the vamp, this was the one. It was the one that had been feeling on Riley the night before when she and Spike had interrupted. Buffy just couldn’t seem to bring herself do it. She couldn’t just stake the thing, not to its face. It felt as though she was being petty, so she stood back, and the vampire turned and ran. Buffy threw the staff and it punched through the things back as she kept trying to run. The female exploded in a cloud of dust as it screamed echoing after it disappeared.

* * *

Xander watched as Buffy eliminated the vampires in a matter of moments one after another. Something seriously bad was happening here. He had to talk to her, get her to admit that there was something wrong, he had to try to help her, after all he was a Scooby and that’s what they did, they helped the Slayer. “So Buffy. How did that work out for you? Did it make you feel any better?”

Buffy turned around at the sound of her friends voice but she didn’t think that she could handle an intervention session now, “This is not a great time, and I don’t feel like talking.”

“Buffy I’m serious, there is obviously something wrong you’re acting like a crazy person, just now, here? You could have been killed.”

Buffy walked away and opened the door of the factory slipping through it. Xander wasn’t having that however and he followed her, “For example? You don’t want to deal so you hide, that’s not very Slayer like.”

“Just leave me alone Xander. You have no idea what’s going on.”

Xander shook his head, did she think that it wasn’t incredibly obvious what was happening, “Good. So you and Riley aren’t imploding?”

Buffy span around and looked at him, “What? Who told you?”

“No one told me anything Buffy. It was right there in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you.”

Buffy was suddenly quite sick of all the men in her life thinking that they knew everything, “The guy, got himself bit by a vampire, in a sexual way, he ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed and know he tells me that he’s leaving with the military tonight at midnight unless I convince him not to. Go on, then tell me that you understand. I don’t.” Not only that Buffy thought. I have a vampire lover who’s threatening to leave me if I don’t tell him that I want him to be a part of my life.

As though Xander had heard her anyway he asked, “Are you going to let him go?”

Buffy almost smiled, Xander could be asking about either, “It’s not my decision.”

“Of course it is.”

Buffy felt the tears build up, “Well it’s not fair. It just isn’t fair.”

“Who cares if it’s fair? He’s going to just disappear if don’t do something to stop him.”

“What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay?”

“Why wouldn’t you? To keep him here . . .”

“I don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t even know how to deal or how I feel.”

“No. That’s not it. You see the thing is you got burnt with Angel and then he shows up.”

“I know this story Xander.” Buffy was getting seriously pissed off at this point.

“But you missed the point. You shut down Buffy. You’ve been so afraid of going through that kind of pain all over again that, you just shut down and didn’t give yourself to him. You’ve been treating him like a bit of fun. Like the rebound guy. He’s the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He’s never held back with you, he’s risked everything that makes him, him to love you and you’re about to let him go because you don’t like ultimatums.”

Buffy lowered her head as the tears fell down her cheeks. “If he’s not the guy Buffy. If what he needs from you just isn’t there let him leave, let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break but if you really think that you can love him. Scary, messy, no emotions barred need, if you’re ready for that. Think about what you’re about to lose.”

Buffy didn’t have much time Riley would go in a few minutes; she had to tell him, “Xander . . .”

Her friend smiled at her, “Run.”

Buffy ran.

* * *

Buffy ran; she had never run faster in her life. She had to get to the park. She had to tell him. She couldn’t let him leave. He had to know how she felt about him. She had to get there in time.

* * *

Riley stood there, please let her come, he needed her, he needed her to come and tell him that she wanted him to stay.

* * *

Buffy looked at her watch, she could make it in five minutes, she was sure that she could.

* * *

Riley looked up and saw Buffy. He blinked a few times, he had prayed that she would come but he hadn’t actually let himself think that she would. Riley ran from the helicopter and threw his arms around the tiny girl.

Buffy held Riley tight to her. She had made it.

* * *

Spike watched from the corner of the park. She had made her choice then. He had seen the elation on the soldiers face as he held the girl that Spike was in love with. Spike wanted to go over there and kill them both, and he wanted to go over there and tell the boy to take good care off her. He wanted to tell Buffy that he loved her. He did none of the above; he just waked back to his crypt and started packing.

* * *

Riley pulled back, “I thought for a minute then that you weren’t going to come. I thought that you . . .”

Buffy touched Riley’s face, “There’s something that I have to tell you.”

Riley smiled, “You can tell me anything.” Riley lowered his head to kiss her, “What do you think? Think you can forgive me?”

Buffy pulled away, “I think . . .I think that you should get on that plane.”

“What?”

Riley had gone very pale, “I’m sorry Riley. Everything you said was true. I don’t . . . I can’t need you. I never really gave everything about me to you. It’s not because I didn’t care about you. You were so good to me. And I know that what I’m saying hurts you, but I have to tell you. We could go back to pretending, and then we’d be here again in a few months, I don’t want to go through that and I don’t want to put you through it.”

Riley stared at her for a second, “Why? Why did you let me think that you loved me for so long and why can’t we make it work now?”

Buffy bit her lip, “I wanted to love you. So bad. You were everything that I had wanted for so long and I finally had it. I didn’t want to let you or that dream go forever I wasn’t even sure that I could. But no matter how much I wanted a normal relationship with a normal person, I’m not normal. Every time I try to cling to something normal it disappears or dies, and I know why now.”

“Then could you tell me?”

“Because I don’t fit with normal. I’ll never be normal. I need to stop looking for what I think I need and hold on to what I do need. I’m sorry.” Buffy pointed to the helicopter, “They need you Riley. You can make a difference. You can do so much good. I’ll never forget you. Your special and you will make someone very happy. It just wasn’t meant to be me.”

Riley nodded his head as he cried. He leaned down and hugged the small woman. Buffy kissed him on the cheek. He touched her face and then he turned and walked back over to the helicopter. Climbing in he looked back to her. He felt such an urge to run back, shake her and tell her they’d make it work, but for the first time, he knew that they wouldn’t make it work, they couldn’t. Buffy waved him off as he left.

* * *

Buffy ran again. She felt so good. She was going to have to buy Xander a present or something. Granted he thought that he was talking about Riley, but as far as she was concerned, he had told her what she needed to tell Spike.

Buffy pushed open the door to the crypt, “Spike? Spike where are you? Spike are you here?” Buffy looked over and around and saw that the chest was open. She bent over the open box and saw that it was empty. Buffy felt a horrible sick feeling rise in her throat, she jumped down to the bottom level of the crypt and saw that everything was gone. All his clothes. The linen. Everything. Buffy put her hand to her stomach. Oh God, he had left. Buffy quickly climbed out of the basement and ran. She got to the edge of the cemetery and saw that Spike’s car was gone.

* * *

Buffy was in a kind of trance. Tears were streaming down her face and she could barely see where she was going. She stumbled down the street. She was just glad that Dawn was staying at Willow and Tara’s tonight and her mom was still at hospital. She could just have tonight. To be sad and depressed. To cry. Buffy noticed that she was at the top of Revello Drive. Turning she began to fumble through her pockets for her key to the front door. Buffy looked up and saw a black car parked outside her house, a Desoto. Spike’s Desoto. Buffy’s heart leapt. He couldn’t be here could he? She saw him. He was pushing something through her letterbox. She tried to make her eyes believe what she was seeing. Spike turned and saw her, “I’m just going Slayer.”

Buffy hurried forward, “Going? Why? Why would you go without telling me first?”

“I just dropped a note through your door pet to let you know.”

“Spike I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay.”

Spike smiled a little bitterly, “I saw you at the park pet. You made your choice.”

Buffy reached out and took his hand, “You’re right I did but I didn’t choose Riley.”

“What?”

“I went to tell him. He’s gone I told him to go away with the military. They wanted him back. I told him to go with them. They need him. I don’t.”

Spike felt himself shake, “Who do you need pet.”

Buffy slipped her arms around her neck, “I need you. I love you.”

Spike pushed her away and held her by the shoulders, “Say it again.”

Buffy smiled and bit her lip a little, “I love you.”

Spike pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Buffy moaned into his kiss and slipped her hands under his duster. “Are you coming in?”

Spike lifted his eyebrows, “That’s an interesting offer.”

Buffy’s mouth opened in shock “You pig Spike!”

“You want me to go?” The look on Spike’s face showed that the question didn’t need asking.

“Didn’t say that.”

Spike threw Buffy over his shoulder as she squealed. “Well, then you’re stuck with me for the night.”

Buffy giggles, “Spike put me down. Put me down right now.”

Spike stopped at the door, “Give me your key.”

Laughing Buffy slipped her hand in her pockets and at last found key, “Here.”

Spike opened the door with Buffy still over his shoulder, kicked it shut behind him and climbed the stairs.

He carried her into her room and span around pretending to check the room over, “Yes this’ll do very well.”

Buffy pinched his ass, “Down Spike go down. I’m getting dizzy.”

Spike smiled and dropped her gently on the bed, “Down?”

Buffy smiled back, “Yes”

Spike nodded and undid her pants. “Whatever you say pet.”

Buffy moaned as she felt him lick his clit and nibble on it gently. Shit, she loved this guy. This vampire, this man, whoever he was she loved him. Buffy keened loudly as he found that spot inside of her. Spike slipped another finger inside of her and stretched her ready fro him. Buffy shivered and felt her pussy twitching as she came close to the edge. Spike took her into his mouth and sucked her hard as she came rubbing her self against his tongue.

Buffy looked up after a couple of seconds and smiled playfully as she pushed him onto his back undoing his pants. Spike’s cock sprang up and she stroked her fingers up the shaft hearing him moan. Buffy pushed herself straight down impaling herself on him. Spike pinched and rubbed her nipples and she bounced on him desperately grinding her slit against the base of his cock as she came near. Buffy slipped her hand round the back of her and rubbed Spike’s balls. He felt them tighten as she squeezed her muscles and they came with their eyes locked together.

Buffy slipped off him and slithered down his body, she looked at him as he propped himself up on his elbows, “What do you think Spike? Which of us will pass out first?”

Buffy lowered her head and sucked him until he was hard, but she didn’t stop, using her teeth on the underside of his cock. Spike let his head fall back. He didn’t know who would give up first but he couldn’t wait to find out.

* * *

Buffy crept down the stairs. She’s had to wait a little while for the feeling to return to her legs. He was absolutely incredible and he seemed to think the same about her. In fact, forget that. They were incredible . . .together. She hoped it would be that way for a long time yet. Buffy opened the fridge and pulled out everything fattening that she could find.

She was halfway up the stairs when she remembered Spike, he might enjoy this food but it wasn’t going to fill him up. Buffy crept back to the kitchen. She took a mug off the rack and a kitchen knife from the stand. She made a small cut just below her elbow. Once the mug was three quarters full she put a plaster over the cut a grabbed the food.

On the way past Buffy picked the letter up off the floor. She might want that later.

* * *

Spike was just waking up as she crept up the stairs. “Hey pet. Thought you’d gone pet.”

Buffy smiled, “I live here. I went to get food.”

Spike sniffed “Something smells good.”

Buffy flopped back onto the bed, “That would be me . . . literally.”

Buffy handed him the mug, “Is this what I think it is?”

Spike was looking at her like she had gone mad, “It will go cold and then I’ll be insulted.”

Spike leant forward and kissed her and then he drank. It tasted amazing. So powerful, just like her.

Buffy having no table manners started on the ice cream, “This is fantastic.”

Spike drained his mug and reached for the peanut butter. Spike opened the jar and dipped his finger into it. After sticking the finger in his mouth, he wiped a load more on her nose. Buffy’s mouth opened in surprise, but she giggled and smeared ice cream on his chest. They fought for a minute and then Buffy licked it off him.

Spike moaned and kissed her getting peanut butter all over both of them. The two of them played a little. Spike kissed Buffy who tasted like Cherry Garcia ice cream. “You taste good.” Buffy smiled and slipped her tongue into his mouth. Spike moaned again, “You always taste good..”

* * *

Buffy woke up to find stroking her arm, “Hey. What time is it?”

“About eleven.”

“Oh God. Everyone’s going to be wondering where I am. They’ll be at the Magic Box. I have to pick up Dawn.”

Spike looked at her, “I’ll keep a low profile until you know.”

Buffy smiled, “You’re kidding right. There all there, we have to go together. Willow and Giles I told weeks ago. Xander . . .I’ll need your help with.”

“You told Willow and Giles?”

“Yeah. Oh and my mom”

Spike looked at her shocked. “You told your mum?”

“Well, she kinda guessed and encouraged me.”

Spike laughed aloud, “You’re joking.”

“I’m serious. Anyway Dawn will be pleased, she likes you. I told you, it’s Xander.”

Spike smiled and kissed her, “We’ll manage. I love you, you know.”

Buffy smiled back, “I love you too.”

* * *

Buffy sat down on the sofa and read the letter:

Dear Buffy,

I just wanted to let you know that I was going pet. I know that whatever you decide you’ll be okay, you still have your family and friends, and they’ll always love you. Just like, I love you. I never actually though that I could love someone enough to do something like this. Selfless. I want to go now. I think that it’ll help to make things easier for you. So that’s what I want for you. Be happy. Please. I love you.

Spike.

* * *

Buffy woke on her birthday and looked at the sleeping vampire beside her. She liked waking up to see him. It made it easier to get up when it was hard, with Dawn and everything. Buffy grabbed her robe and trotted down the stairs. She stopped and picked up her cards. She loved cards, made her feel all wanted and loved. Buffy opened them one after the other. When she got to her last one, she had no idea who this one was from. Opening the card Buffy looked at the familiar writing.

Happy 20^{th Birthday}

All My Love

Riley.