Chapter 5.05

"Tell Dawn, if it’s after half past eleven when we get in, we expect her to be in bed." Buffy rolled down the car window, to call out to the former watcher as the car pulled away, leaving Wes to start up his bike.

"Will do. Take care," the watcher called back, unable to come up with an entirely suitable good luck expression for the occasion.

"Where to, pet?" the vampire asked as they pulled up near the first intersection.

"How about back to mine, and I can put on some jeans and get my coat and helmet and stuff? Then, we can take this old lady back to yours and swap for the bike?"

"And then?"

"I seem to recall you expressing a preference for the coast road."

"Sounds like a plan. Have you eaten today?"

"Other than tea made from potentially lethal mushrooms? No. And just when I thought Lily might be starting to like me."

"She is, I think. There’s a Tex-Mex diner about an hour up the coast that we could try, if you can wait that long. Make up for you missing out on Saturday? And if we go up the coast, we can just drive as far as we want without worrying that we’re going to hit LA again."

Buffy’s attention was caught by the way Spike was squinting in the sunlight that was newly able to penetrate through to the car’s interior. Orbs or no orbs, he was still highly photosensitive.

"Sorry about the holes in the paint job. Wes just couldn’t drive it without making a couple of gaps to see through. I’ll get some paint tomorrow."

"S’ Okay. I’ve been thinking about scraping it all off. It just means if we have to take her out through the day, then you have to drive and I stay in the back under a blanket. Thing is, we have to keep her out of sight of Bit’s lover-boy, otherwise, and she’s bound to be parked up at your place sometime when he shows up, or we’re going to need her to pick Bit up or something."

"You’d do that?" Buffy asked.

"Well… yeah. You’ve driven her before, haven’t you?" Spike knew exactly which part of his statement she had meant.

"Not with your permission."

"Buffy, there’s no reason you can’t drive better than most, except confidence. Your reflexes are better. Your co-ordination is better. You just need practice and maybe a few proper lessons to refresh your memory, that’s all."

"Are you offering?"

"To pay for them, yeah. To teach you, no way. Don’t you think we argue enough as it is? Besides, you don’t want to pick up ninety years worth of bad habits."

Buffy flushed slightly and gazed at him sideways through her lashes. "I thought I already had, and I like when we argue sometimes, or at least the making-up part."

Spike let out a low groan. "Keep that up, and we won’t even get to your place, pet. And talking is going to be way down on the list of activities."

"As long as it’s on the list somewhere, does it matter?"

Spike sighed as he made the turn onto Revello. "That would depend on how long we have before the next crisis."

True to his word, just over an hour later, Spike pulled in at a roadside diner. Even though it was too late for most lunch patrons and too early for most evening customers, half a dozen cars were spaced out in the lot to the side of the building. Around the other side of the building there was a filling station, but the front of the diner was clear from obstruction so that those patrons lucky enough to get a window seat had an unobstructed view of the beach on the other side of the road. Waves crashed against the few boulders that poked up through the smooth pale sand.

Spike took off his sunglasses and lit up a cigarette even before Buffy had climbed off from behind him. His jaw was clenched so tight she didn’t need to see his eyes or touch his skin to know how tense he was.

"How about we just grab a snack for now?" Buffy suggested. "We can go for a walk on the beach and get a proper meal when we get back?"

"Sure?" the vampire asked.

"Sure. I don’t think I could do a meal justice until we get things straight between us."

Spike gave her a wry smile, head tilted forward so that he looked at her through his lashes. "It’d be a shame if you couldn’t appreciate their chilli-and-chocolate cheesecake."

Buffy gave him a sceptical glance, as if she thought he was making up the strange-sounding dish.

"Got to be tried," he added, before throwing down the half-smoked cigarette and holding out his hand.

"Trust you to find somewhere that even puts chilli in the desserts," Buffy responded as she placed her hand in his and let him draw her with him into the restaurant.

"But it works. You’ll see."

The diner was decorated with various items that were meant to suggest the Tex-Mex theme Spike had led her to expect. Old wanted posters, or more likely more recent replicas stained with coffee to suggest ageing and framed prints from photographs of Pancho Villa and various others adorned the walls. All the tables were finished with brightly painted tiles, and when Buffy saw the sizzling fajita platter that was brought to the next booth she realised why.

A middle-aged waitress came bustling over almost as soon as they slid into the last window booth, hands still clasped across the table. "Hi, I’m Mary. Can I take your drinks order while you have a look at the menu?"

Spike drew his eyes away from Buffy long enough to give her a brief smile. "Just a coffee for me, please, pet. Espresso, if you do it."

"And I’ll have a cappuccino, and I’ve been told the chocolate cheesecake is un-missable." Buffy added her order without looking at the menu.

"Better make that two. She’ll get upset if I pinch bits of hers."

The woman smiled at Buffy as if pleased by her compliment. "Guess that date of yours has taste as well as looks. It’ll only be a couple of minutes."

"Eatin’ your pudding before your main course. What would Joyce have said?"

"Go for it, enjoy yourself, life’s for living and where’s my piece?"

"Probably would, at that."

Buffy tightened her grip on his fingers before she asked her next question. "Not to be all Freud, but before you were turned, what was your mom like?"

Now that he was in conscious control the subject didn’t engender the primal fear it had when he was asleep. Still, there was a brief panic as the question caught him unawares.

"Remember what you told me. No walls. No barriers. No secrets. Not between us," Buffy cajoled gently.

Spike gave a sardonic laugh. "That was when I thought I’d nothing to hide." He gave a shrug, acknowledging that one way or another Buffy would find out the whole story.

"She was a nice lady. She was like Joyce would have been if she’d been born to a society where she wasn’t expected to work and didn’t have to, if her family were her entire world… or so I thought." His voice was first sad and then took on a bitter twist.

"Spike?" Buffy’s voice was filled with the same concern he could feel in her touch. "Let me. I think I’ve got most of this thought through. Just tell me if I go off base. Okay?"

The vampire gave a shallow nod and Buffy paused as the waitress returned to the table with their order. "I passed on your compliments to my husband, so he gave you both a bigger piece than usual," she told them.

"Thanks, luv." Spike smiled at her again.

"Hope your girlfriend likes it. There are some days I think that’s why I married him." She jerked her head toward the kitchen door. "I used to be a size 8 until he started feeding me." Another smile and she had returned to her station at the cash register.

"Okay… let’s see," Buffy began, her voice low enough that only Spike could hear it. "I think the last few months before you were turned, you were in a similar position to where I was just over a year ago, with one slight difference: we always had hope that mom would pull through. You knew that your mom wouldn’t. It was just a matter of time. How ‘m I doing?"

Spike shrugged, his eyes slightly defensive, but unable to argue with anything she had said.

"You told me once that when you were turned it was like a revelation. You were strong, powerful. You never felt better. That’s what you thought you were giving her. You loved her and you wanted her to share what you saw as a gift you’d been given."

Spike’s eyes were now fixed on the table, but he didn’t contradict her, and through their bond she could feel his misplaced shame. "But there was a problem. You were far more special than you think. Maybe Dru could see that, and that was why she chose you. You see, you knew that human or vampire, you still loved your mother. It was only natural that you expected the same thing to happen when you turned her.

So, when what rose up turned out to be a demon with your mother’s memories but none of her emotions, and that demon used those memories to attack you, the only way you could make sense of it was to believe the things it said.

Spike, that thing wasn’t your mother. Your mother was a fine, loving lady who raised a son to be a good, caring man. You were her entire world. Turning her was a mistake, but in your shoes based on your own experience, I can’t say that I’d do anything different. If I had thought there was a way to keep mom with us, so that it really was her, I’d have done it in a heartbeat.

You were no more at fault for what you did than Wesley was for kidnapping Connor. It’s the same thing. You did what you thought was right."

"How can you be so sure?" the vampire’s voice was filled with doubt still.

Buffy reached across the table with her free hand to brush her thumb across his cheek. "Because I know all the good and all the capacity for love that’s inside you, even though some would say that it shouldn’t be, and that has to be learned. That comes from your family, from the people who taught you how to be the man you became.

And you know it too. I remember, back when I was in your head, you thought that the things you loved about me and Dawn were the things we got from mom.

Your mother loved you. She loved you when you were human and if she could see you here today, she would love you still. And I think intervening years not withstanding, she’d be proud of who you are, just like I am."

Buffy drew her hand away from his face, but only so she could use it to steady herself as she leant across the tabletop to brush a tender kiss against his lips. It was sweet and sincere and it conveyed a wealth of feeling, and it didn’t take Spike long before he reciprocated everything in kind.

Over in a far corner of the room, the waitress knocked gently on the serving hatch that led through to the kitchen, and when she nodded in the couple’s direction, her husband took her hand, both of them seeing a younger reflection of themselves in the blond couple who were so obviously and deeply in love.

Chapter 5.06

Buffy had never thought that just eating could be such an erotic experience, but each mouthful of the dessert that the vampire fed to her was like drowning in his kisses. First there was the tingling, mouth-watering, slow burn on her tongue from the chilli seasoning in the cookie base, like the fire he could ignite inside her with just a lazy glance. Then, there was the rich, velvet-soft darkness of the chocolate filling, decadent as the darkly sensual world to which he had introduced her, its taste enhanced by that gentle heat in a way she could never have imagined. Lastly, the cool sweet taste of whipped cream with the lightest hint of vanilla, soothing and cleansing her mouth so that the fire died down low until the next mouthful, like the coolness of his touch offering comfort and solace.

"Oh god, that should be illegal."

Spike smiled. "I guess you like it, then?"

"Mmhmm." Buffy managed as she savoured the next piquant-sweet mouthful. Her eyes drifted closed, to better concentrate on the sensations in her mouth. Long seconds passed before she spoke again. "Think we could get them to do enough for the reception?"

Spike's smile went up another notch. "I guess you’re not easy scared off then, love. Thought there’s still things we need to sort out."

"Things we need to sort out, sure," Buffy agreed, "but there’s nothing we can’t sort out. Is there?"

"I don’t know, love. I really, honestly don’t know. That depends on how much we’re both prepared to bend. Whether you can accept the parts of me that I can’t change."

"We’ll just have to see, won’t we? But I’m thinking any guy that would give up half of his share of this cheesecake is one I want to hold onto."

"And I thought the saying said the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach."

"Yeah, well they got that wrong by about six inches."

Spike took on a mock-aggrieved expression.

"Fool," Buffy giggled. "You know that’s not what I meant."

"And you know that I would love you even if we had never so much as kissed each other."

"But the attraction came first."

"You know it did. You know there was a heat between us even back when I was chained up in Rupert’s bathtub. Even the bloody watcher knew."

"What?" Buffy looked shocked at the suggestion.

"All that sexual tension. Rupes walked into the living room and said that if we didn’t kill each other he might just lend a hand. He’s not naïve, you know. He probably recognised it for what it was before you did."

"That so was not about sex. You were unbearable. A total pig."

"And it provoked a reaction and it scared you so much you had Bit subbing for you for the rest of the week."

"I was so not afraid of you."

"Didn’t say you were. You were afraid of how I made you feel, and if truth be known, I wasn’t exactly over the moon about the state of play either, but I’d have gone with it."

"Id boy."

"This from someone who nearly wet her knickers just eatin’ that cheesecake."

"Shhh." Buffy hissed. "You are still a total pig."

"Never denied it, love. Now, here." Spike held out the last mouthful of his dessert just in front of her mouth and after a second’s hesitation her lips closed over the fork to draw the confection in.

"D’you know that’s the exact same look you get when-."

"Don’t!" Buffy cut him off with a low hiss and a kick to the shin under the table. "Don’t even think of saying whatever it is that you were going to say."

"Me? What could you possibly think that I was going to say?" His eyes twinkled with mischief as he teased her mercilessly.

"My mom didn’t bring me up to repeat the sort of thing I suspect you were going to say."

"No," Spike’s voice softened. "She brought you up to be just perfect." For the first time since they had entered the restaurant Spike relinquished his grip on Buffy’s hand. His fingers brushed against her neck and jaw line as he drew her close for a chocolate flavoured kiss. They skirted over and around her claim mark and then back to her jaw, only to return again tantalising seconds later.

She moaned his name as she finally drew back for air, her eyes glazed with need.

Spike tossed enough bills on the table to cover their food and a generous tip. "C’mon, pet I think it’s time we found somewhere a bit more private." With a wave to the watching waitress, he took Buffy’s hand once more and drew her toward the exit.

They stopped often as they made their way along the beach, to kiss, or sometimes more, as their hands explored familiar curves and planes beneath their coats. Yet, for a long way in either direction the beach, though not crowded, was too populated to allow more than an occasional furtive caress.

Finally, they rounded a headland and saw the beach stretching clear before them. Buffy dropped her small backpack down on the sand and started to shrug her way out of her coat, but before she could, Spike’s hands were there, easing it from her shoulders. He folded it over his arm before removing his own, more battered coat and laying it out for them to rest on. He placed hers so that it acted like a pillow without actually resting on the sand itself. He looked on, amazed, as Buffy pulled her top off over her head, not expecting her to be so brazen when they were still scant yards away from the beach’s other occupants, and then he realised that she wore her bikini top underneath.

Pushing her top into her backpack she moved over to the vampire, tugging his shirt free from the waist of his jeans. "It’s only fair."

"All I can say to that is, if you’re plannin’ on taking those jeans of yours off, you damn well better hope you don’t get me arrested for indecent exposure." All the same, his hands moved to undo the shirt’s buttons at her bidding.

"That would be why those cut-offs of yours are in my backpack, but for now I just want to know what you’re feeling while we talk all this stuff through."

"I guess we have to?" Spike asked, his gaze wandering up and down the curves of Buffy’s body.

"You’re the one who pointed out that we don’t know how long we’ve got until the next crisis. And if it’s having the sort of effect on you that it did last night, then we can’t just ignore it."

"Sure? They say ignorance is bliss."

Buffy lay down on the outspread coat. "Come here, you, and hold me."

Spike let his shirt drop onto the pale dry sand, and then he lay down beside her, one arm propping up his head so that he could watch her while his other hand began to trace lazy patterns on the bare flesh of her midriff, side and back. As Buffy wrapped her arms around him drawing him in closer against her, Spike would have been the last person to admit out loud that his feelings weren’t about sex or desire, but all about home and belonging. But then, it wasn’t as if he needed to say them aloud for her to know.

She looked up, meeting his gaze. "We went into this claim thing blind. We didn’t know how it would work or even if it would work, but I believe that last vision we saw together, the one of our wedding day, was a true one, or at least a possible outcome. So, I don’t think there’s anything in your thoughts that can affect me enough that I would ever want to give you up."

"Buffy, you shouldn’t be touched by thoughts like that."

"Try me. I’m tougher than you think."

"I know that, love, but you still have feelings for the big bland wanker. It’s there in your eyes every time you try to defend him or make up excuses for him. It was there in the way you needed comfort when you found out he had a new life, if I’d but realised it at the time."

"Spike, just let it out. All of it. Riley, the Initiative, the chip, whoever’s watching us now, everything. Let it go. We need this out in the open."

Buffy gasped for breath as if she were drowning when he finally was unable to deny her demands any longer and the wave of cold intense black hatred swamped her. Her grip on him loosened at the shock of the almost physical impact, but then she consciously pulled him close once more, determined to ride out this roller coaster to the end. Bloodlust, jealousy, pain and a thirst for vengeance roiled through her as she held him tight.

Through it all, she struggled with her shock and her horror, to offer him her love. He had never offered her anything less, even when she had acted out her darkest impulses, so how could she condemn him for mere thoughts, however corrupt they might be? She called to mind Wesley’s words as she had drifted off to sleep earlier that same day, all the joy, love and caring Spike had brought, in just a few precious weeks. She knew that the time when she might have been able to let him go was long past.

"Spike, it’s okay. We’ll be okay, me and you, all of us. Just try to hold back on doing anything rash. There’s no hurry. We’ve got plenty of time to sort all this out. We’ll find a way to deal with it that doesn’t involve anyone getting hurt. For our sakes as well as theirs. Think about Rosa if she lost Clem or Lily… or her Uncle Will, or if we start something and they took Rosa.

If this turns into a war, you’re going to end up being their number one target, and I need you here with me. I’m never going to not need you. Just give us time to find a way through this where no one gets hurt, please."

"Buffy, this is bigger than you think. Word’s been filtering through from Central America, Africa, all over the world, ever since Finn upped and ran. Remember what I said about the Indians that Thanksgiving? Well, that’s what’s been happening all over the globe, except this time 'round we’ve got demons instead of Indians, and Finn and his band of brothers aren’t setting up reservations or sending missionaries. It’s genocide. Communities that have existed in isolation for centuries are being sought out and exterminated like vermin all because men can’t be happy until they have the whole world to themselves, and if the demons defend themselves or their territory then that’s just proof that they needed killing. And when they run out of things to kill in the jungle or the mountains, where do you think they’ll come next?"

"Don’t tell me you’re going all politically correct on me?"

"No. If I’m honest, I don’t give a toss about a bunch of lizard men in darkest Borneo or wherever, but I needed to put it in terms that you would understand. Sooner or later, they’ll be coming for me and Clem and Lily and Rosa. Maybe even the spell-casters, too. Didn’t I hear they locked up that fella that turned Rupes into a Fyarl demon, just put him in a box and threw away the key? No civil rights. No trial. So, where does that leave Red and Glinda, maybe even Wes? Then there’s Bit and Anya. They're human as far as anyone knows, but I’m sure Finn and his goons’d like to check up on that. And what exactly is it that makes a slayer a slayer? Is it something they can replicate? How do you fancy being the donor for some cloning experiment or something? Do you get my drift, now? Buffy, I was around for the rise of the Third Reich. I watched people deny what was happening until it was too late. I don’t want that to happen to the people I care about."

"It won’t. When and if they come, we’ll be ready. Willow is more powerful than they could ever dream. With time, we can get contingency plans in place. We took on a god and won. We can take whatever they throw at us."

Spike’s voice was deadly serious. "Not without losses. Not without losses."

"That’s why you’re so keen to bring in all these other demons, isn’t it?"

"Why did you think? You think I want to use m- your nearest and dearest as cannon fodder?"

"I think, it doesn’t matter. I think, together, we’ll get through this, whatever happens. And as for some of the rest of the stuff in your dream, I also think that while mum might have had her worries when she found out you had feelings for me, that she would approve if she could see us now. If she could see how supportive you are, and how much better both mine and Dawn’s lives are with you around. I know that she liked you, and she never really got beyond the whole best behaviour thing with Riley. He was never just himself around her. And… I think that up to a few months ago I’d have said that that cheesecake was better than sex."

"You’re just trying to divert my attention," the vampire accused.

"Is it working?"

"Can’t you tell?" Spike’s eyes travelled down between their bodies.

"Let’s go home, Will." Buffy suggested. "We’ve talked enough."

"You still need to eat something, love," Spike protested as they made their way back along the beach.

"I’ll be fine. I skip meals all the time."

"And it shows. We’re out here now. Might as well have something to eat before we go back."

"Thanks. I don’t hear you complaining about my figure when we… you know."

"Buffy, I’m not complaining about anything, I’m just saying you need to take better care of yourself… or let me do it. Besides, maybe I think you need to build up your energy." His tongue ran over his teeth in that way that always made her knees go weak.

"Sounds like someone’s got big plans."

"Or maybe I just want some quiet time alone with my girl."

"Some quiet time alone with a picante fajita, more like."

"That too."

With a noise that was half a laugh and half a snort Buffy resigned herself to her fate. "Okay, we eat and then we go home."

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