"It’s getting late" Buffy noticed suddenly.

It was several hours since she had first showed up at Spike’s apartment, since they’d put things right between them and she’d cried like a baby all over him. After that they’d talked a little, she helped him clean up the kitchen for lack of knowing what else to do and now silence prevailed as the sun went down and darkness fell over the town around them.

"Yeah, s’pose it is" came Spike’s reply as his friend moved from the couch over to where her bag and coat were.

"So, I guess I should head home" the blonde said as she pulled on her jacket and picked up the bag. Spike was about to tell her she didn’t have to leave but then he wasn’t so sure if he should. It’d definitely be uncomfortable, even if she realised the implications of them sharing a bed and allowed him to take the sofa for the night. Having her there in his home, distinctly lacking in clothing and just a few feet away, he wasn’t sure if he could bear it. But Buffy shouldn’t be alone and the thought of her being in pain and all alone tonight was worse.

"Buffy" he called after her as she reached the door, causing her to turn around sharply in surprise at the sound of his voice, "Y’know if you want you can stay here"

There was a long pause, both of them considering what that statement meant. She could stay because they were friends, because he loved her, because she needed to not be alone and maybe he needed her company too...

"Thanks" the blonde girl nodded, a small smile playing on her lips, "but I shouldn’t" she shook her head slightly, tightening her grip on the handle of her bag and turning back toward the door.

"Why?" Spike found himself asking, even thought he knew every one of the hundred reasons why she felt she shouldn’t stay, why they both knew it would be best if she walked away, "Buffy" he continued, not giving her a chance to answer, her back was still to him but she made no move to actually go out of the front door, "I want you to stay...if you want to, that is"

Buffy closed her eyes, left hand gripping the handle of her bag so tight that the circulation almost stopped, her right hand half way to the latch of the door, not sure whether to actually open it and leave or just turn around and stay here, where she did truly want to be...

"I do want to" she answered softly, he barely heard her as she dare not turn around until she’d finished speaking. As they both looked over at the other, their eyes met briefly and both evidently felt the effect, equal parts comfort and discomfort.

"You take the bed, I’ll take the sofa" Spike smiled, standing up, crossing the short distance between them and taking Buffy’s bag from her, "No arguments, okay?"

"Okay" came her quiet reply as she nodded, let her grip go on her bag and followed him as he entered the bedroom, put her bag there and picked up a pillow and a blanket.

"I’ll see you in the morning then" he said turning toward the door to leave, Buffy shuffled nervously, nodded her head in answer to his question as he opened the door and made to exit the room.

"Goodnight Spike" she called to him just before the door closed behind him.

"Goodnight pet" came his reply, then he was gone.

With a deep sigh, Buffy closed her eyes and collapsed forwards onto the bed. It was a bed she’d slept in almost as many times as she’d slept in her own, it was also the bed that she’d shared with Spike in a completely non-sleep related way too.

It was strange, the idea of sleeping in his bed without his arms around her, but Buffy now realised it was unlikely that she and her best friend could ever get back to a place where such an arrangement would be comfortable again.

What they had done, the night they had shared, stirring up feelings within each other that they never knew were possible, it had changed their perfect friendship into something so much more complicated. Now, he could not hold her whilst she slept, could not bear to be in the room with her and as much as he said he forgave her, Buffy had a feeling it was because she had hurt him so much that he refused to be close to her that way.

She was somewhat relieved when he’d said she could stay, she didn’t want to spend the night in her empty apartment, alone with just her painful thoughts and bitter-sweet memories. There in the next room, she imagined Spike, trying to lay comfortably on a sofa that was far too short for his height. Would he sleep in his clothes, she wondered as she removed her own, pulled on the over sized T-shirt she wore to sleep in, and climbed into the bed. Would he think of her before he closed his eyes? Would he dream about her? She’d dreamt about him, a lot when she was in LA. She’d dream of Angel first, his arms around her, his lips on her skin, and then it would change and it would be Spike she was with, who was making her feel all these wonderful things, better even than what she felt when it was Angel. She’d dreamt of the baby too, the barely existent creation it was now was insignificant in her sub-conscious, in her dreams it really was a child, her child, and sometimes these dreams were nightmares and she would lose the child, or Spike, or both, and wake up screaming in distress when something awful happened to either one or both of them...‘but they’re just dreams, and tonight will be better’ she told herself, just as she had every night for the past week, but to no avail. Still she had to believe it, as she closed her eyes and floated away to the land of dreams.

In the next room, Spike was far from comfortable and not just because he was a foot or more longer than the piece of furniture he was attempting to rest upon. The blanket was too small and the pillow did little to make his head relax, but the most uncomfortable thing was knowing that the girl he loved, that for one night he’d been allowed to take as his own, was in the next room. So close and yet so unbelievably out of reach, the thought of it hurt enough, the reality was tearing him apart inside. ‘It would have been less bad to let her walk away’ he sighed, before realising it was a lie. If she had left he would have hated himself for letting her go when she was upset and lonely. Whatever had happened between them, whatever would happen or would not, they were still friends, the best of friends, and he had promised to be there for her. ‘And so I bloody shall be’ he promised himself, before he too closed his eyes and drifted off for the night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She was running, running so fast that her legs were burning as if they were on fire, but she couldn’t make herself stop. It was dark and it was cold and she couldn’t seem to run fast enough to get away but she had try.

"Buffy!" she heard her name off to her left and she changed direction, and then stopped suddenly. Did she go towards the voice or away from it? She listened.

"Buffy!" the voice was closer now, the person coming toward her as she stood there in the dark, shivering and afraid.

"Who’s there?" she called and suddenly he was beside her - Angel.

"You’re nothing, Buffy" he sneered, walking around her, taunting her, "You’re nothing and nobody...nobody wants you, nobody needs you, you’re just a waste of space"

"No" Buffy began to scream, "no, no, no" she covered her ears with her hands, sank down to the floor and cried, her attempts to block out the cruel words futile as he sounded loud as ever. Then just as soon as he’d come, he was gone.

"What did you do?" she heard next, a smaller voice, a younger one, "What did you almost do? What will you do now?" it asked in a sing-song tone.

Buffy dared to look up and saw a child standing beside her, dark hair like Angel’s, eyes the colour of her own.

"You’re not real" she gasped, "And I didn’t..."

"You almost did" the child interrupted, "You don’t deserve me"

"No" Buffy cried reaching out a hand to the little girl before her, but the child stepped back further and further, disappearing into the dark again.

"You don’t deserve me" she heard again, a third voice, a man’s voice, one she knew only too well.

"Spike?" she called into the black, scrambling to her feet.

"What happened Buffy?" he asked as he appeared before her, she moved to go into his arms but he backed up, "It all changed Buffy, what did you do?" he asked her and she shook her head as more tears fell.

"I didn’t mean too..." she cried but he was already disappearing.

"You didn’t mean to" his voice echoed, even after he was gone "but you did"

The empty darkness was shattered by a rumble like thunder, a flash like lightening and a scream that pierced the space around her like a knife.

Buffy woke up with a jolt, sweat pouring from her forehead as she sat straight up, breathing heavily, petrified by her nightmare that had seemed all too real.

Running her hands over her face and back through her blonde hair, Buffy realised the tears were real, or maybe that was just the perspiration from the sheer fright, she wasn’t sure. The dreams she’d had the past few nights had been bad but the feelings were so real, the voices so piercing, the dark so black and suffocating, it was just so real when she was there and so hard to push away when she awoke.

Without a sound, she swung her legs over the side of the bed, put her weight onto the shaky limbs and crept toward the door. Carefully and quietly she opened the bedroom door, it creaked a little as she knew it would, but did not wake the man in the next room.

Just a few steps brought her into the living room and there she saw Spike, on the sofa, fast asleep as she guessed he would be. He looked so peaceful when he slept and she wondered what his dreams were like tonight. Nothing like hers she was sure or he would never look so tranquil. Moving closer to him, she was struck by just how beautiful he looked lying there. She knew he was attractive, it had been hard enough to ignore before, but he looked so angelic as he slept and that only made her think of Angel. She’d watched him sleep before and when she thought of it, he was nothing like his name, no angelic look to him at all. But Spike, her William, he could not have looked more perfect, ‘because he is perfect’ she realised as she stood right beside the couch and wondered how he could continue to sleep when she was staring so hard, she could not, she was sure.

Not a thought in her head but the need to be close to him, Buffy sat on the edge of the sofa, before laying her head down on his chest and tucking her legs up next to his as best she could. There was barely enough room for him, nevermind both of them and she would have given up on her plan if it were not for the fact she was so unbelievably comfortable there, despite the fact she should not have been.

Buffy’s eyes dropped closed and she hoped for more peaceful rest this time, she knew for sure that it would come as Spike shifted in his sleep, his arms subconsciously winding around her and holding her tightly to him.

The blonde girl revelled in the wonderful feeling of being where she felt she belonged, pushed away thoughts of how awkward things might get in the morning and concentrated on getting a good nights sleep, without the nightmares she knew would be removed, just by his presence, by his arms around her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The sounds of the town getting ready for a new day awoke Spike from his pleasant dreams. He’d been dreaming about Buffy and himself, just being together, talking and kissing, laughing, being happy. It wasn’t an exciting dream but it was a wish from his heart that his subconscious let him see inside his head at night, and he would almost be completely content to never wake up if he could just stay in that non-reality with her, the place where she was in love with him as he was with her.

As his eyes flickered open and he shifted his body, he realised he was not alone, that his arms were around the friend he’d just been thinking of. He didn’t remember how she got there or how they’d got into this position, clasped together on the sofa, and whilst he knew it didn’t change things, that she was nothing more than just his friend and probably never would be, he loved how it felt to have her there with him.

She’d slept in his arms a hundred times before, and he always liked to have her close to him, but it was different now, a different kind of nice feeling as she lay in his arms, her heart beating steadily against him, a slight smile on her lips. She looked like a fallen angel to him, her golden hair framing her perfect face, God how he wanted to kiss her in that moment.

As if she felt his eyes upon her, Buffy opened her own and looked up at the man that held her. His crystal blue orbs were boring into her, watching her so intently, as she looked back at him in a similar way. What did she say now? How did she explain her coming to him in the night? How was she supposed to resist this urge she had to kiss him right now?

"Hi" she said somewhat shyly, glancing away and then back at his face.

"Hey" came his reply, "er...I don’t remember going to sleep like this" he smiled a little and she almost laughed. It must seem strange to him to just wake up and find her half on top of him, it had been strange for her, despite the fact she’d put herself into that position just a few hours before.

"I had a nightmare..." she started to say but Spike didn’t really hear her, something was making his legs uncomfortable and it wasn’t just having her on top of him that was doing it either. He absently wondered if he’d spilt the glass of water he’d fetched before he went to sleep, but water was wetter than this and not half so sticky.

Buffy was still talking, but he didn’t hear a word as he looked down at the blanket that covered him and part of her, a nasty shock making his eyes go wide.

"...and I was a little freaked so I...something wrong?" she stopped mid-ramble to ask her question as she saw how strangely he was looking not at her but kind of past her.

"Pet, erm, you in any pain at all?" he asked her carefully and her face screwed up in confusion.

"No" she answered immediately, "Well, a little pain in my stomach but I figured what with well...y’know" she meant of course the baby, "and all the crying I did and not so much eating..." she trailed off, resting her head on his chest once more, snuggling close and enjoying feeling safe and cared for, momentarily forgetting the uncomfortable-ness between them before.

Spike closed his eyes and breathed deeply, braced himself for all kinds of bad reactions Buffy might have to what he knew he had to tell her.

"Sweetheart" he urged her to raise her head and look at him, which she did, with worried eyes at his serious tone, "Buffy, luv, you’re bleeding, I think it’s..." he couldn’t say what he thought it was, what he was almost a hundred percent sure that it was. How do you tell a woman she has probably lost or is losing her child? Even if said child isn’t really a child yet? Even if the father of the creation is no longer in the picture, and you’re glad about it too?

Buffy frowned, not entirely understanding as carefully she rolled herself off her friend and got to the feet. The bottom of the long T-shirt she wore was only white to her middle, beneath that was stained and streaked in red as was part of the blanket they’d slept with and the sofa they’d been on.

"Oh my God" she whimpered, partially from shock, a little from pain as her body fully awoke and protested at what was happening, the bleeding and the getting up too fast combined, "Spike, what’s happening?"

His shock subsiding as her panic rose, Spike leapt from the sofa and quickly fetched his robe, wrapping it around her he pulled on his jeans from the day before, not even thinking about the blood that streaked his legs.

"It’s going to be okay, luv" he promised Buffy with much less certainty than he sounded like he had, "You are going to be okay"

Her tears began again and understandably so as Spike grabbed her purse from the table an rummaged in it for her car keys, on finding them he moved back to his friend, put an arm around her and explained.

"Buffy, I’m going to take you to the hospital" he told her, and she barely nodded, shock stopping her from crying too much, from feeling anything at all really. Realising he couldn’t take her just in a robe he rushed to get his leather coat and hung than around her shoulders too, encouraging her arms through the sleeves just as he had with the robe.

"Come on now, luv" he urged her towards the door but she didn’t move and he realised that whilst he had slipped his feet into his boots, she was still barefoot, a glazed look in her eyes as her gaze never shifted from the blood she could see on the little clothing she wore.

Not knowing what else to do, Spike put an arm around her back and another behind her knees, scooping her up like Superman preparing to fly off with Lois, only wishing he could fly now and get her to a hospital in time to help her and her would be child, but in his heart Spike knew whatever he did would be too late for the Angel-Buffy combination that had been growing inside of her.

He put her in the car and drove to the hospital, perhaps a little faster than he should have done, carrying her from the car to a doctor as soon as they arrived.

"Her name’s Buffy and she’s bleeding" he explained, "she’s pregnant, or she was, she..I think.." he wasn’t sure if she could stand to actually hear the words, but then he wasn’t sure she would hear them if he said them. The doctors understood anyway, immediately getting Buffy to a bed and doing what they could for her.

Spike was kept in the waiting room for the longest twenty minutes of his life, part of him praying she would not lose the child, part of him not so bothered, and a further part feeling guilty about the part that didn’t care. It wasn’t about caring for Buffy, he loved her more than she would ever know, more than he could ever explain, but that which she carried was half an O’Connor, and as much as he’d promised he would help her and support her with the child., Spike knew it would be torture to have a mini-Angel running around the place, probably looking to himself as a father in the absence of the git who helped create him. But then it might have been a girl, a mini-Buffy and the idea of being connected to another being as sweet as her, well, even at this dire moment he had to smile at the thought.

"Mr Summers?" he heard a voice say and he looked up to see a nurse coming towards him, "You are Buffy Summer’s husband?" she checked.

Spike was a little taken aback by that, before he realised why the mistake had been made. He’d rushed into a hospital panicking about the girl in his arms and the baby she might be losing. Naturally the staff had assumed it was his wife and his child.

"Is she okay?" he asked, not wanting to lie to the woman before him but knowing she would assume she was right without him saying so anyway.

"I’m sorry sir, she has lost the child" the nurse told him sadly and to be honest Spike wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. Angel was truly gone now but a little life had been lost, a part of Buffy and she would surely be pained by that as he was.

"But Buffy, she’s okay herself?" he needed to know.

"She’s upset obviously, and the doctor thinks she’s a little run down, but medically she should be okay" the dark haired woman with the badge that read ‘My name is Tina’ told him.

"Can I see her?" was the next question she was expecting and of course she got it.

"Right this way" she gestured for Spike to follow her down the corridor, leaving him alone by the door of a room where he was told ‘his wife’ was staying for the day, possibly over night.

Peering in through the glass of the door, he could see his precious girl. She looked so pale and weak, he noticed, not at all herself. The large hospital bed made her look small and frail, her hair hanging somewhat limply around her face that was tear streaked, her expression pained.

Carefully he pushed open the door and went inside, expecting her to notice his entrance, speak to him, at least look up, but she didn’t move, didn’t even blink.

"How’re you feeling, pet?" he asked her as he came to sit on the chair beside her bed. Still she did not move, did not answer. She was starting to scare him now.

"Buffy?" he called her name, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, trying to see her face more clearly as she stared off to the side, away from him, "Buffy, please" he begged her to acknowledge his presence and finally she looked up at him, as if she’d noticed him for the first time since he entered the room.

"Spike" she whispered hoarsely.

"I’m here, pet" he assured her and no sooner had the words left his mouth than she was in his arms, pulling him close to her, needing him just to hold her and tell her it would all be okay.

"I lost it, Spike, oh God, I didn’t mean to" she sobbed into his shoulder as he held her close, stroked her hair and rubbed her back alternately.

"Sshh now luv" he murmured into her hair, "It’s alright, it’s not your fault, it’s no-one’s fault" he kissed the top of her head as he rocked her and she cried and cried. He wondered how she still had salt left to spill after all that had happened, but her sobs continued and so his comforting words and gestures did too. Neither was sure how much time passed as she let out all of her pain and he burdened as much as he could for her. He’d gladly soak every ounce of her heartache into himself so she would not have to suffer it if only he could, he didn’t care how much his heart got beaten and scarred, it was all worth the agony just knowing she felt a little easier.

When the tears finally slowed and her body shook less, Spike still did not let up his hold on her and she was in no rush to leave the circle of his arms, or his love. With a loud sniff, Buffy found her voice and shakily told him the thought most paramount in her mind.

"I knew" she said her voice wavering as she spoke, "I knew it would happen, she told me"

"Who told you what, sweetheart?" Spike asked her gently, still holding her to him, rocking her gently, gaining as much good feeling from the closeness as she did.

"The baby" her voice cracked on the words, "I dreamt...she told me I didn’t deserve her..." tears returned to her eyes and panic rose again in her voice as she pulled her head from Spike’s shoulder and looked him the eye, never pulling back too far, still needing his arms around her, "and before I wondered, I thought it would be easier if...oh God Spike I didn’t mean too" again the emotion took over and a fresh waterfall escaped her eyes as she buried her head in his shoulder once again.

Of course Spike knew the real reason why she cried now. It wasn’t just the loss, it was guilt. There had been times over the past few days when she’d thought how much simpler things might be without the child she carried. She had nearly had an abortion after all, and now she’d lost the little bundle, well, she was blaming herself.

"Now you listen to me Buffy" he said seriously, but still with kindness as she sobbed, "This is not in any way your fault, it’s just nature’s way, these things, I don’t know why they happen exactly, but sometimes they just do" he explained lamely, "but sweetheart, you couldn’t control this, no-one could"

"But I feel so awful" she cried and how he wished he could make it better for her, wished he could turn back time and put it all right but there was just no way.

"I know, pet" he sympathised, "but you’re going to be okay" he promised her, "Spike’s here and he’s going to look after you, always"

"We came as soon as we got your message" Xander rushed out as he came into the hospital room, Willow right behind him, both of them clearly out of breath from their rush to get to their friend in need.

Buffy was now half sitting, half laying in bed, Spike seated on the chair right beside her, her hand in both of his. He’d left a message on Willow’s answering machine whilst he’d been in the waiting area, thinking perhaps she should know, and besides, he wasn’t sure how well he was going to cope with having to be the shoulder Buffy cried on. Also another female might be handy to have around, given the nature of the incident. There are some things that, no matter how hard a man tries, he could never understand as well as a woman could. Presumably Willow had called Xander and it would’ve been his car that brought the pair to the hospital.

"Buffy, how are you feeling?" Willow asked her friend, coming to sit on the left edge of the bed as Xander stood at the end.

"I don’t know" was Buffy’s answer, and it was true. She had so many mixed up feelings rushing around inside of her. There was guilt over the baby and partly over Spike too, there was fear, there was relief, which brought guilt, plus the obvious sadness and finally an overbearing numbness that she didn’t understand at all. Despite feeling a million different emotions she also felt extremely cut off from herself and the world, it was a very strange sensation.

"Is there anything we can do?" Xander asked, unable to think of anything himself but wishing he could. He too was having a severe attack of guilt. Whilst one of his best friends had been rushed into hospital, bleeding and in pain, he’d been half way to happy land with his secret girlfriend.

When Buffy didn’t answer his question, Spike spoke up instead.

"Nothing much anyone can do about it" he said quietly, "She just needs rest and time..." he trailed off as his eyes moved from Xander and back over to his precious girl. He saw so much pain and confusion in her eyes and face, he just wanted to make all the badness go away for her and knowing that he couldn’t was ripping him up inside. Feeling helpless was not something Spike had been used to, but it was something he’d felt a lot lately, still he just couldn’t get used to it.

"Oh well, if you need rest maybe we shouldn’t be here" Willow realised, getting to her feet again. Buffy made no movement, no sound, just stared more or less straight ahead. She’d been that way ever since what had happened. She’d cried all over Spike and when the tears ran dry she slumped back onto the pillows and was almost catatonic from then to now.

Spike had to admit, if only to himself, that she was scaring him in a big way. This was not his Buffy, she was always a fighter, always strong just like he was. Partly he blamed himself for the change in her, maybe his loving her so much had done this to her. Mostly of course he blamed that wanker, Angel O’Connor, but he dare not think of him too much. He knew if he did he’d get uncontrollably angry and violent, and that would be of no use right now.

Willow and Xander made their exit and Spike whispered a promise to Buffy that he’d be right back before letting her hand slide from his and following his friends out of the door.

"She will be okay, right Spike?" Willow asked him with a worried frown and he sighed.

"I bloody hope so" he said, glancing back through the glass at Buffy lying in bed, off Willow’s tear-filled eyes he amended, "Yes, Red, she’ll be fine" he tried to smile as he pulled the girl into a hug and Xander did his best not to look like as jealous as he felt.

"Are you gonna be okay, Spike?" the brunette checked as his friend released Willow.

"I have to be" was the bleach blond’s answer, "for her sake, I have to be"

Both his friends knew his answer was double barrelled. He’d be okay in a physical sense, once he got over the tiredness and nausea that had come with the panic and getting up too fast that morning, but he’d also have to be okay with his feelings. Spike would have to hide his being in love with Buffy all over again, pretend he was comfortable around her even though he wasn’t. Being near her was painful, holding her was torture, knowing that however close he seemed to get, it would never be close enough for him and she didn’t want him as anything other than the best friend he had always been to her.

As Spike returned to watch over Buffy, Xander and Willow headed off down the hospital corridor towards the exit, his arm finding it’s way over her shoulders as they walked.

"I feel so bad for Buffy" the red head was close to tears, "I can’t imagine what she’s going through"

"I know" Xander nodded in understanding, "but y’know, as awful as this is gonna sound, maybe it’s for the best" he realised, "I mean, she didn’t really want Angel’s kid, especially not after everything that’s happened"

"I guess" Willow all but whispered, as they came out through the front doors of the hospital.

"Hey" Xander turned his girl around to face him, his hands on her shoulders, "they are both going to be fine" he assured her, "just like us"

She managed half a smile at that as she went into his arms and he hugged her close.

"I wish we could tell them about us" she mumbled against his shoulder.

"I know, honey" her boyfriend replied, "but it wouldn’t be all that fair, would it? I mean, we’ve got exactly what Spike wants with Buffy"

"I know" Willow nodded, hugging him even tighter if it were possible, feeling so lucky that everything had worked out for her and Xander and so scared that it might all go away, that they could end up like Spike and Buffy, so close and yet so far.

"It’ll never be like that with us" Xander told her, as if he’d read her thoughts. Surprised by the fact that he’d answered her unasked question, Willow pulled back and looked at him strangely, "What?" he asked off her look.

"Nothing" she sighed, "Just, I love you, that’s all" she managed a smile though the tears in her eyes were still there for her friends. She reached up and kissed the man she loved so much.

"I love you too, Will" he told her as they broke apart, "Now, let’s go home"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back inside the hospital, Spike was getting increasingly worried about Buffy. Still staring off into space, looking completely vacant as she had done for the past few hours. At least when she’d been crying all over him she was showing some emotion, when she was telling him about her guilt at least she was talking to him. Spike wasn’t a man who was easily scared but he had to admit Buffy was terrifying him right now.

It was agony to watch her just lying there like that, feeling so helpless because there was nothing he could do to make it better for her. Eventually, he decided to take a break from his vigil and fetch himself a coffee, he wasn’t a huge fan of the drink but it would keep him from getting too tired and give him some excuse to leave the room for just a few minutes.

"I’m just going to fetch a drink" he told his near catatonic friend and she barely nodded in reply, "You need anything?" he checked and from her lack of answer he guessed probably not.

This was more than just losing the baby, Spike knew that. There was some guilt from it, which he understood, but she wouldn’t be this bad unless there were other reasons too. He felt guilty as he realised perhaps he was to blame. It was idea that had been spinning in his mind for the last few hours as he’d sat beside her bed. Things had changed so much between them, from the solid friendship they’d started to argue over Angel, then he realised his deeper feelings for the girl he’d known almost all of his life. Their night together had only served to further confuse things and her running away should have given them both the time and space they needed to figure out their thoughts and feelings but, in truth, Spike wondered if any amount of time would really help them get out of the mess of emotions that they’d got themselves into.

When he returned to Buffy’s room, cup of disgusting coffee in hand, a doctor was just leaving and they almost bumped straight into each other just outside the door.

"Mr Summers?" the doctor asked him and as much as the idea of being Buffy’s husband appealed to him, Spike thought perhaps he should tell the truth.

"No, William Jones" he introduced himself formally, "Buffy is my..." he wondered what word he should use, "er...my friend" he finished eventually, "I brought her in"

The doctor nodded.

"Mr Jones, your friend is going to need a lot of rest and much looking after" he explained, "It’s not just the miscarriage either"

Spike shot the older man a questioning look and the doctor gestured for him to follow down the corridor to his office where they could talk properly. Spike read the name plate on the desk as he came into the room and sat down opposite the man whose name was apparently Dr Carlton.

"Mr Jones" he began with a sigh "Ms Summers appears to be somewhat underweight, she’s not altogether responsive and suffering from severe lack of sleep"

"But that’s just stress and the whole baby thing" said Spike, not entirely sure he was convinced of his reasoning himself, "She’ll be fine in a few days, right?" he asked worriedly.

"As I said before" the doctor went on, "she’s going to need looking after if she is to get any better. She’s going to need constant attention and whilst she’s in her current state someone needs to make sure she remembers to eat, make sure she’s comfortable and get as much sleep as she can..."

"I’ll do it" came Spike’s immediate answer.

"Mr Jones, William, I understand your concern for your friend, but it might be best if we keep Buffy in the hospital for a while longer..." Dr Carlton said beseechingly but Spike would not be deterred.

"No, Buffy doesn’t like hospitals" he protested, "She’ll be better off with me, I can look after" he said, perhaps more loudly than he should have, standing up from his seat as he continued, "I appreciate what your saying Doc, I do, but I can look after, I have to" he spoke without properly thinking it through, without considering the complications, the agonising feelings he could suffer, not to mention his job which he was already so close to losing after taking so much time off.

With a sigh the doctor also stood up.

"If that is your decision, and if Miss Summers agrees, I’ll see about discharging her"

Spike smiled at the small triumph he had gained.

"But she must stay overnight" Dr Carlton warned, "I’ll check on her tomorrow morning and then if there is no negative change, I’ll release her tomorrow afternoon"

"Thanks Doc" Spike nodded, reaching to shake the man’s hand, still not considering the problems that could incur when Buffy came to stay in his apartment, all he knew was he was getting the chance to look after her, make her feel better, and it felt wonderful to know that he could somehow.

At first Spike hadn’t been sure how Buffy had felt about his plan to have her move in with him until she was better, of course he barely knew how he felt about it himself now the true implications had reached his brain. As he dragged the bags he’d helped her pack through his front door, his mind whirled with thoughts of exactly what he’d got himself into. This was his second trip from the car, up to the apartment, the first time he’d practically had to carry Buffy. Losing the baby had been the final straw, it had made her so weak, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed how thin she’d gotten, but she always looked so beautiful, it would never occur to him to think otherwise.

Now there she was, half asleep on his sofa, and he realised that would be his bed from now on, until she was strong enough to move back to her own place. When that time came, would he be glad or pained? There was no way of knowing, no way of knowing how the next few days or possibly weeks would pan out, and that scared Spike to death, though he’d never admit it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy feigned sleep as she heard the front door open again and Spike barrelled into the apartment with her luggage. She wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about living with her best friend right now. Before the event that she referred to in her mind as ‘that night’, it would have made no difference to her. In fact, she would have been more than happy to have lived with Spike forever, he was her best friend after all. Now she had feelings she had to hide on top of feelings the doctors had told her she should share, along with emotions she didn’t want and couldn’t name.

The guilt over her non-child was still strong, but so was her attraction to Spike she realised as she watched him through half closed eyes. Was it wrong to spend half her time thinking about him that way? Should she not be guilty a hundred percent of the time? But she couldn’t be. A small part of her, a small but significant part, was sort of relieved and almost glad that the child she feared, would never be born.

This tiny part of her made the rest of her feel so much more guilty, because who would wish the death of their own child? But the father was no longer her lover, not even the man she loved if she were honest, at least she didn’t think so. She had thought before that she could live without him though, and yet when she saw him again, she knew she’d deny him nothing and be his forever.

Tears streaked her face again as she realised he never would want her again, and not because she really wanted him to want her, but because she believed he was the only one that ever would. Ultimately, Buffy wanted Spike to want her and to love her just like he’d seemed to that night when...no, to think of it was wrong, what with the loss her baby and everything, how could she be so callous? Besides which, it was over, and she could not expect Spike to love her that way again even if he had before, she’d treated him so badly. She’d make do with them being friends again, just friends and nothing more. Hopefully in time, the torch that burned inside of her, the torch of love for this man, would find a way to put itself out before she combusted.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Buffy, luv" he said softly, his hand on her shoulder trying to get her attention.

Her eyes opened slowly and he tried not to look directly into them for fear he’d do something they could both regret, "I’m just gonna fetch some things from the store" he told her, "I’ll be five minutes, okay?"

She nodded that she’d be fine in his absence, but didn’t say a word. She was less in a daze today and Spike was glad of it, although she still barely spoke and he wished she would if it were only words of guilt and sadness that emerged, he just couldn’t stand her silence, it was not like her at all.

Trying to think of things other than Buffy had been tough enough for Spike anyway but now she was staying with him, he was going to spend all day looking after her, well, what chance did he stand of removing her from his mind?

Out of sight should have meant out of mind, but her absence had not made him forget her, not even a little bit, now she was going to be around him twenty-four-seven, he was just going to have to learn to love her as a friend again and not the way he really did. It was going to be mission practically impossible but he was going to have to try.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A week passed, then another. Every night of the first week Spike got Buffy to the bedroom and he himself slept on the sofa. In the mornings he’d help her back to the couch and she’d remain there most of the day while he fussed over her.

By the next week she was a little stronger, didn’t need his help as much but it didn’t occur to either of them for her to leave yet. She didn’t really want to eat, but he made sure she did, she didn’t want to talk though he tried to encourage her, but never was Angel or the almost-baby or ‘that night’ mentioned in any of their conversations.

They stuck to neutral topics, the weather and their friends and what was on TV, and they were both silently torn between being glad that the complicated subjects were being left alone, and upset that they couldn’t have that closeness they once had. Both wondered if it would ever be possible for them to get back to that wonderful friendship they’d had before, after all that had happened, it certainly didn’t seem like it so far.

Talking was the least of their worries, contact was worse. It was easier now Spike didn’t need to help Buffy move around so much. Before he’d had to half carry her from the sofa to the bed, she was so weak. Being that close to each other, unaware that the other was just as nervous about it as they were, it had been hell for both of them, trying to restrain themselves, if only they had known that they didn’t have to.

At the same time, Willow and Xander visited as often as they thought they should, the two also having to restrain themselves in front of their friends, believing it was never the right time to spill about their relationship. When Spike left the room and Buffy’s eyes were closed, the red-head and brunette would share meaningful glances or squeeze each others hands. It was hard but the last thing either of them wanted to do was upset Spike or Buffy, their friends just meant too much to them.

It was just over three weeks since Buffy had moved in with Spike and she was looking and feeling much better than she had. Spike made a good nurse, as strange as it sounded, and he’d been incredible when it came to tending to Buffy’s every need.

It was Friday evening and Xander had picked Willow up from work and driven them both to Spike’s apartment to visit their friends. Nothing particularly unusual except Willow couldn’t take the secrets anymore and tonight was the night when the truth came out.

"Are you sure about this Will?" Xander checked as he stopped the car outside the apartment block.

"Xander I know we had good reasons not to tell Spike and Buffy about us" she sighed, "but they’re our best friends and I hate keeping this from them. They can’t be anymore hurt by the truth than by us lying to them"

Her boyfriend gave her a look and Willow sighed.

"Okay so maybe they could" she conceded, "but you know I’m a terrible liar and I just want them to know how happy I am with you"

Xander smiled a her words. He agreed with her in that he did want Buffy and Spike to know that they were in love and so happy. He wanted to share his joy with his best friends more than anything but he couldn’t help worrying it would make Spike feel worse, maybe Buffy too.

"Let’s do it" Xander nodded as they both got out of the car, joining hands as they reached the door to the apartment block and went inside.

The elevator took them up to the correct floor and in moments they were faced with the front door of the apartment where there two best friends were currently living together. It was Willow who knocked on the door and Spike who answered it.

"Xander, Willow, good to see you" he smiled, but it was clear his heart wasn’t in it and Xander knew the plan had gone out of the window as her hand slid out of his.

"Are you okay?" the red head asked her British friend as she gestured for them to come inside.

"If you’d asked me yesterday I’d have said not so bad" Spike told them as they came inside and he closed the door behind them, "but I just had my boss on the phone, I lost my job" he sighed.

"Oh no" Willow sympathised a little too loudly.

"Volume down, Red" he begged, "Buffy’s in the bath and she doesn’t know, I don’t want her to find out yet either"

"How come the sudden unemployment?" Xander all but whispered as the three friends sat down in the living room, Willow on the sofa with him, Spike in the chair.

"Too much time off" Spike shrugged, "I half expected it really, but what could I do? I had to be here for Buffy"

There was silence from his friends who couldn’t help but marvel at just how committed Spike was to Buffy, at how in love he was, but then it shouldn’t seem so strange, they were equally as in love with each other.

"I s’pose it’s her you came to see really, right?" Spike asked them, referring to his short-term room-mate.

"We didn’t really come for a specific reason" Willow shook her head and Xander bit his lip. Wills hated to lie, but she was good at it when she felt it had to be done.

Buffy soon emerged from the bathroom and the four friends talked semi-comfortably for a while before the blonde girl got hungry and offered to get something for everyone to eat.

"I’ll do that, luv" Spike said standing up but Buffy protested.

"I know you’re trying to help, but I’m not an invalid, Spike, I can fix something simple" she told him, rising from her seat too.

"How about I help you?" he made a compromise and she agreed, causing Willow and Xander to share a look as the blonde couple left the room.

"They’re so cute" Willow smiled sadly, "How can they not be together?"

"I don’t know" Xander shook his head, "And hey, I thought we were supposed to be telling them about us" he whispered.

"I’m sorry, baby" he red head told him, taking hold of his hand, "I do want to, it’s just...they’re not happy and I just can’t rub their noses in our good-ness"

"Hey guys" Buffy called, sticking her head back into the room, causing her friends to drop each others hands immediately and shuffling nervously, all of which Buffy noticed, "supplies are low in here so I’m thinking we throw some fries in the microwave and order a pizza instead. What do you say?"

"Er, well, actually, we should probably go" Willow stammered, knowing Buffy must have seen something and unable to go through with lying anymore.

"Will" Xander hissed, "She said pizza!" he protested, he didn’t want to miss that. Ignoring him, she got up to leave and hoped he’d follow, which he grudgingly did.

"Yeah, Buff, we ought to be heading home" he nodded, "to our respective homes, Will to her home and me to mine, y’know" he rambled as they both headed for the door.

"Bye Spike" they both called through to the kitchen before also saying goodbye to Buffy and disappearing before anything else could be said or done.

"Bye" Spike said too late, appearing behind Buffy in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room.

"Those two are acting very wei..." Buffy began, changing her mind halfway and gasping "oh my God!"

"Oh your God, what?" Spike asked with a frown and she turned to look at him.

"Willow and Xander" she said slowly "I think they're...together"

"You mean like...together?" Spike checked with that certain type of emphasis on the word and his friend nodded that he was right "Huh, who'd a thought it?" Spike smirked as he looked towards the door Willow and Xander had just gone through.

"Yeah..." Buffy sighed, following his line of sight to the closed door.

"Best friends in love" Spike said with a sad smile as he turned back into the kitchen "Almost like a fairytale, innit?"

"Yeah" Buffy sighed, not moving at all "a fairytale"

After Willow and Xander left the apartment, Spike and Buffy decided that ordering a pizza was still a good plan. They managed to make conversation until it arrived and carried on as they ate. Things were getting easier, more comfortable again and they really needed to. The two best friends were really starting to feel like that’s what they were again - truly best friends, nothing more, nothing less, whether they liked it or not.

When the last of the pizza had been eaten, Buffy took the boxes to the trash and got a drink for both her and Spike. He insisted on doing it or at least helping but she told him he’d done quite enough for her the past few weeks and she was okay now, at least physically fit enough to take out trash and fetch drinks, how much energy did it really take?

When the blonde finally made it back to the living room with a bottle of beer in each hand, Spike was on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, watching TV.

"Whatcha watchin’?" Buffy asked him, yawning her head off afterwards, it had been a long day.

"Some movie..." Spike replied absently, eyes on the screen, at least until Buffy shoved his feet off the table so she could put the beer down. "Stupid bint’s trying to stop a wedding" he said next, gesturing towards the TV and ignoring Buffy’s glare, if he wanted his feet on his own table he would bloody well have them there! Still, he didn’t put them back "reckons she’s in love with the groom or something" he continued his explanation of the movie as Buffy came to sit close beside him.

"Doesn’t sound so bad" she shrugged and he just smirked at her.

"Total chick flick luv, not really my cup of tea" he shook his head and she was about to answer when she spotted a guy she liked on the TV and pointed at him.

"Ooh, he’s cute" she nodded appreciatively of the man she’d spotted as she made herself comfortable on the couch, her head leaning on Spike’s shoulder, making him feel things he wished he didn’t. She finally seemed to feel completely comfortable being close to him again, and he wasn’t going to spoil it.

"Your reason for watching this movie is cos you just spotted some guy you think is cute?" he asked her, despite the fact he could no longer see her face, his arm winding around her for lack of anywhere else to go.

"You have a better reason for watching other than the fact you like Julia Roberts?" she retorted, her arm also finding it had few places to reside and ending up around her friend.

"Yes, actually" he answered back, desperately trying to keep his breathing even and the conversation going, because God help him if things got quiet and he had to think about what was happening he was going to do something stupid.

"Well...?"she prompted when he didn’t continue.

"I can’t be arsed to move and find the remote" he grinned as she moved her head to look up at him.

"Typical" she giggled, playfully swatting him for being so lazy and daring to admit it, but she turned more serious again as she glanced back at the TV, pointing and sighing "Oh look" as she saw a wedding scene and the bridesmaid who’d been in love with the groom giving her congratulations to the happy couple. Two girls soon appeared on stage and began to sing The Way You Look Tonight causing another sigh from the blonde girl leaning on Spike.

"I love this song" she said not so much to him or anyone in particular, and it was all Spike could do not to turn around and kiss her. Did she have to be so bloody sweet? Did her body have to fit so perfectly against his? Did she have to smell so nice?

"Stupid bint let him marry the blonde piece?" he snorted in disgust at the TV, desperate to think of something else, hopefully starting a small argument, that would stop the thoughts he was having "Must be off her bleedin’ bird"

"She loves him enough to let him go" came Buffy’s reply in a whisper, she obviously did not feel like arguing.

"And whats she got to show for it?" Spike continued "Some poofter! Never gonna get anywhere dancing around with him is she?"

At that, Buffy burst into giggles.

"Do you have no romance in you, Spike?" she asked, glancing up at him with eyes he could drown in, so he looked away, back at the TV for lack of anywhere else to look.

"Romance is for ponces" he muttered half-heartedly and Buffy just smiled as her head dropped back onto Spike’s shoulder and they watched the end of the movie in silence.

As the credits finished rolling and the screen went briefly black, Spike realised from Buffy’s even breathing and complete silence that she had fallen asleep. He could’ve moved her slightly and escaped her clutches or even woken her up, he was sure she wouldn’t have minded, but he didn’t want to.

It had been too long since they’d done something like that, sat together comfortably, arms around each other, watching TV. It wasn’t as comfortable as it used to be, not after all that had happened and all that he felt, but it was close enough for now.

"Someday when I’m awfully low" he sang softly as his hand gently stroked her hair "when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight"

He smiled as she stirred ever so slightly, not knowing she was not quite asleep and had heard his lullaby, a smile on her lips as she shifted closer to him, never wanting to leave his arms. Dropping a kiss on top of her head and holding her close, he closed his own tired eyes and let sleep come to him too, knowing he would not dream tonight, since having her there was like a dream come true.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They both slept all night through, not stirring once until a noise at the front door made Spike wake up with a jolt, the shifting of his body making Buffy open her eyes too.

"What happened?" Buffy asked, sitting up just a little and rubbing sleep from her eyes.

"Reckon we fell asleep, luv" Spike told her, "Must have been more comfortable than we thought"

"Yeah" Buffy smiled back, "Very comfortable"

Spike found he had to look away from her eyes and that was when he spotted an envelope under the front door. Presumably whoever put it there was the culprit that had woken himself and Buffy, but his mail didn’t get delivered to the door, it got left in the box downstairs so...

Getting up and going over to the door, he pulled the white envelope from beneath it and frowned at the fact it said just ‘Buffy’ on the front in neat handwriting.

"S’for you, pet" he made a face as he handed it to her and a frowned covered her own face as she yawned and opened up the envelope.

"I don’t believe it" she gasped as her eyes travelled over the first few lines of writing.

"What’s wrong?" Spike asked, only half paying attention, as he returned from the kitchen where he’d taken the beer bottles from last night. When he saw how pale she was he moved to her side and sat down beside her as she slumped back onto the sofa.

The girl shook her head as she began to read the letter aloud.

"My dear Buffy, you will be surprised to know that this letter is from someone you’ve never really met - I now go by the name Darla Johnson, but you would know me as Mrs Darla O’Connor..."

Spike’s eyes went as wide as Buffy’s as he moved to sit beside her on the sofa.

"Why’s the bloody wankers Mrs writing to you?" he asked with a frown and Buffy shook her head in response. She was too shocked even to reprimand Spike on his choice of words. Buffy had no real reason to hate Darla, Angel had fooled them both for long enough. If anything, the apparently ex-Mrs O’Connor should dislike Buffy, but it didn’t seem as though that was what the letter was about.

Buffy started to wonder then, about the very same question Spike just voiced. Why on earth was this woman writing to her? If she was indeed divorced from Angel or planning to be perhaps it was just going to be a page full of ‘I hate Angel, so should you’ or alternatively, ‘You wrecked my marriage, you whore’, but Buffy soon realised the writing in front of her was nothing like either of those things.

Deciding to carry on reading aloud so Spike could hear what Darla had to say too, Buffy became the voice of the woman her ex-lover had previosuly loved as she recited the words the other blonde had written to her.

"I’m probably the last person you’d ever expect a letter from, never mind want to hear from, and it probably feels strange for you to think that I would want to write to you, but I feel like you deserve to know the truth about Angel. Please, don’t stop reading yet, I know you will want to, you think I’m going to bad-mouth the man we both loved, but all I want to do is tell the truth.

I don’t blame you, Buffy, for the way Angel behaved toward me, he was the way he was long before you came along. I don’t know exactly how he treated you, but I can’t imagine it was much better than the way he treated me.

Sometimes he could be so kind, it felt like he loved me so much and that his whole world revolved around my happiness, I have no doubt that in the beginning this was how he was with you.

But most of the time, he was distant, he was harsh and cold, he delivered mental and sometimes physical blows. I thought I was strong for taking the abuse and staying with him, but I was weak for allowing myself to be emotionally and physically beaten down.

At one point I did walk away, but I also went back to him because he promised me the earth and assured me he’d changed and, like the woman in love that I was, I believed him and ran back into his arms.

As time went on, of course things turned nasty again, but this time it was different. I was pregannt, as you know, and the thoughts of raising a baby alone (I have no family to speak of) was far more frightening than staying with him and taking his abuse in it’s many kinds.

The one and only time you and I saw each other, well it was after that moment that I asked who you were, repeatedly until he finally admitted he’d been having an affair. I was not wholly surprised, how could I be? A man that was capable of beating a woman he was supposedly in love with, why would be not be capable of cheating on her too?

Anyway, I digress, after admitting his affair, he started to explain why his ‘wandering’ was actually my fault. He was going to hit me, I know he was, and whether it was the fear or merely a coincidence I don’t know but I went into labour, three weeks early.

The baby was born, happy and healthy, I was relieved to know, and Angel seemed to change. He doted on the child whilst we were in the hospital, and when we came home he was daddy’s son, mommy barely got a look in.

Then he got bored, just as he got bored of everything. When Jack cried, Angel complained, when I held the baby instead of him, he complained some more. Complaints turned to anger and anger to violence. I was used to his punches and I could take them, but when he raised a hand to our child...

I can’t explain what happened, I’m not sure I understand it myself. I was told by a neighbour who saw it happen, who broke down the front door when he heard the commotion, that I did the only thing I could do to save my child. They called it self defence and for many legal and complex reasons it means there are no charges against me. The truth is, Buffy, Angel is dead..."

Buffy’s voice ceased to be on the word ‘dead’, tears filled her eyes and she felt as sick as ever she had. In her distress, the letter slipped from her hand and fell to the floor. Needing to know for himself as well as for Buffy, Spike scooped up the page and read aloud, being Darla’s voice for the final paragraph, right from where Buffy had left off...

"...Angel is dead and it was me that dealt the final blow. I didn’t realise what I’d picked up in my hand until I’d struck him with it and he fell to the floor, dead on impact, they tell me, the iron was too heavy for him to survive.

I cannot say I regret what I did. I did love Angel, but I also loathed him, and my child deserved the life he could never have if his father continued to breathe. The point of this letter is really to tell you that Angel is gone and that as much as I know this will probably hurt you, I am not at all sorry. I know that my son, Jack, and I will have a better life now, I only hope the same will be true for you.

Be happy Buffy, don’t let his shadow loom over you. He almost ruined my life, don’t let him ruin yours.

Yours sincerely, Darla Johnson"

"Buffy?" Spike prompted some kind of reaction from the silent girl who sat staring at a non-existent spot about a foot above the carpet.

"Angel’s gone?" she said in monotone "Really? Forever?" she turned her head slightly to look at him and he nodded in response.

"Yes, luv" he said gently, not sure exactly what her reaction was going to be. He wasn’t wholly surprised when she burst into tears and collapsed into his arms sobbing.

"It’s okay, sweetheart" he told her, rubbing a hand on her back in a soothing motion, holding onto her as she held onto him as if her life depended on it. He understood why she was upset really, she had loved the ponce after all, even if he had treated her appallingly. As her tears soaked through yet another of his shirts, Spike spared a thought for Darla. What that poor cow must have gone through being married to that bugger, but well done to her for finally bringing him down in a literal sense, at least he wouldn’t hurt anyone else now.

"I’m sorry" he heard Buffy choke out and that just confused him. He held her tighter as he replied.

"Shush now, pet. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for" he assured her.

"I have" she protested, her sobs finally subsiding for a second as she sniffed loudly and moved to look at him "I’m so sorry and for so many things"

Spike couldn’t help but smile, she looked so incredibly innocent and lost. All he wanted to do was be allowed to love her like he really wanted to and it was killing him that he couldn’t. Still, he had the opportunity to make her feel better, if not himself.

"It’s okay" he told her "it doesn’t matter now, none of it does"

She looked thoughtfully at him before swallowing hard.

"You always understand"

"I try to..." he shrugged but never finished his sentence as Buffy’s lips crashed into his. He didn’t kiss her back, he was too shocked, instead he just leant back on the sofa until she became detached from his face.

All Spike could do was look at his friend in amazement and confusion as she tried to catch her breath.

"Spike..." she whispered his name and moved towards him again, the want in her eyes made him feel less good than it might have yesterday. She’d lost Angel, for good this time, that was why she wanted him he was sure. In seconds, Spike was on his feet.

"What the hell...?!" he couldn’t form a whole sentenced, too shocked and disgusted that she could use him like this all over again "I can’t believe you’d...I can’t, I just, I can’t" he ended lamely, grabbing his jacket and speeding out of the door as fast as he could, leaving a tearful and equally hurt and confused Buffy in his wake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Knocking. Yes, someone was definitely knocking on something, possibly the door, Xander guessed as his sleep filled brain came back to reality. Willow’s eyes opened and she sat up sharply as the sound reached her ears too.

"What’s going on?" she asked a still half-asleep Xander. He just groaned as the noise continued.

"Just ignore it" he told her, encouraging her body back down next to his. He pulled her close and started to kiss her, but the person at the door refused to be ignored.

"Xander!" a voice joined the thumping of a fist on wood and suddenly Xander and Willow were both very awake.

"Spike?" Xander called as he hopped out of bed and pulled on his pants.

"Yeah mate, it’s me" came Spike’s voice, sounding decidedly pained "Can I come in?"

Xander shot a frantic look at Willow who jumped from the bed and threw on her clothes as quickly as she could.

"Just a second" Xander called to his bleach blond friend beyond the door, as he buttoned his shirt and tossed Willow her bra which he discovered between his left shoe and his underwear on the bedroom floor. Almost running to the front door and slightly out of breath, the brunette was confronted by Spike’s back.

"Hey" he smiled until his friend turned around and he saw tear tracks down the man’s cheeks, something he had seen no more than two or three times in the ten years or more that they’d known each other "What’s wrong?" he gasped "Is it Buffy?"

"I’m such an idiot" came Spike’s response as he stumbled into the apartment and landed on the sofa, running his hands back through his hair and looking like more tears could come at any moment. Xander looked to Willow as she exited the bedroom, arranging her hair. She’d heard what had been said and was so worried about her friend, but still there was a little voice in the back of head that said ‘if he’s so upset, at least he won’t notice I just came out of Xander’s bedroom looking dishevelled at eight thirty in the morning’

"What happened, Spike?" the red-head asked with concern as she came to sit beside him.

"It’s that wanker Angel" he laughed humourlessly as he explained "still screwing up stuff for us even from six feet bleedin’ under"

"Six feet und-...he’s...?" Xander stammered, reality sinking in and shock taking over.

"Dead? Yeah, and I can’t say I’m sorry, I hated the bloody ponce" Spike snorted, but sadness soon covered his features and cracked his voice again as he talked of Buffy "I thought she did too now but...I thought it was different..."

As his head went into his hands again, Xander stepped toward Willow, put a hand on her arm and silently gestured for her to come across the room with him.

"I’m gonna go check on Buffy" he whispered so that Spike wouldn’t hear.

"Are you sure?" Willow asked him "Maybe I should go"

"You can’t drive sweetie" Xander smiled at her eagerness to help "I can get there faster, and someone has to stay with Spike" he reasoned.

Willow agreed to the plan with a nod of her head but frowned as she glanced between her almost-in-tears friend, and her somewhat-secret boyfriend.

"What will you say to Buffy?" she asked Xander who shook his head in response.

"Hard to know, depends how upset she is...I still don’t get why Spike’s so upset about it" he frowned, it was a mystery, should he not be glad that Angel’s finally gone for good? Something else must have happened...

"Spike" Willow called to him, as he looked up she gently asked "what exactly happened?"

Swallowing hard and breathing deeply, desperate not to cry like a poofter on his friends, the bleach blond explained.

"Got a letter from the git’s wife, Buffy did" he told them "She cried over the ponce and then...God I can’t believe she’d do that to me again, not after last time. I could never use her like that, but she..." he trailed off, staring into space, with a look on his face like he was trying to work out the most complicated of puzzles.

"She didn’t try to...oh no" Willow gasped as she realised what he meant.

"Not again!" Xander groaned, it was getting ridiculous! He loved his friends, he really did, but if they didn’t fix this situation soon he was going to scream and smack their heads together in the hope some sense might get knocked in.

"She wouldn’t Xan" Willow protested Buffy’s innocence "not after last time, not unless-"

"She loves him back?" the brunette interrupted "For real this time, like us?" the idea did seem plausible. Neither of them could believe that Buffy would risk her friendship with Spike again, not unless it was to move onto something greater.

"Exactly" Willow nodded, it was the only explanation "and I’ll bet she thinks he hates her now" her triumphant smile turned into a frown at the realisation "You think we can fix this?" she asked her boyfriend, who dared to kiss her fast while Spike wasn’t looking.

"Cupid, pull back your bow" he said quietly to the red-head, picking up his jacket and keys "cos I think we’re gonna try"

Xander rushed to the car and jumped inside, heading for Spike’s apartment as fast as he could to see Buffy. She would be in a terrible state by now, not only because Angel was dead but more-over because of Spike. Those two were his best friends, after Willow, but they drove him crazy! he wanted her, she wanted him, but never at the same time and when they did they wouldn’t admit it to each other! With any luck him and Will would be able to sort them out before the day was through, at least Xander hoped so.

When he knocked on the front door of the apartment, it opened in seconds, and he saw a disappointed and tear-stained Buffy on the other side. She’d been expecting Spike, of course.

"Hey Buff" her brunette friend tried to smile, but she didn’t even attempt to smile back as she collapsed into his arms, sobbing her heart out. Xander took her back to the couch and sat her down, keeping an arm around her whilst she cried. When her sobbing started to die down he tried to talk to her.

"Hey, I’m pretty sure the guy you’re supposed to be crying on is English" he joked, "bleach blond hair, leather coat, currently looking a little down at my apartment?"

"Oh Xander, what have I done?" Buffy asked, looking over at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"It’s not just you Buff" her friend assured her, about to explain, but she didn’t give him a chance.

"I love him, I really do" she choked out, "I’m in love with him and I thought maybe he..." that was as far as she got as sadness took her voice away and Xander was kind of glad to get a word in.

"Buffy, listen for a second, okay?" he tried to tell her and when he seemed to get her full attention, he smiled, "He loves you too, Buff, seriously, madly, deeply, the whole thing. When you tried to kiss him before, he didn’t know how you felt about him, he still doesn’t, he thought you were gonna use him and lose him...like last time" he added uncomfortably, he didn’t want to make her feel bad about what she’d done before but it was truth time and she had to hear it.

"He loves me?" she gasped, as if it were the biggest of shocks, to her it seemed it really was, "Like I love him?" she checked.

"Yes, you big idiot" Xander all but laughed at the absurdity of these two people! "So why don’t you tell him that you love him too and then you can live happily ever after, right?"

Buffy shook her head and Xander started to wonder if her and Spike would make it to couple-dom before they reached retirement age.

"But I hurt him Xand, really bad, I know I did" Buffy was close to crying again and her friend sighed.

"Y'know what?" he said seriously "You're right. You did hurt him, and yeah, it was bad" he told her, much to her shock, but he wasn’t done yet "but he still loves you, and all you’re achieving now by not being honest about how you feel is you're hurting him more"

She nodded that it did make sense but she had a bad feeling that she just couldn’t shake and it was fear.

"I'm just, I'm scared Xander" she told the man beside her "He's my best friend, he always has been and after last time...I couldn't lose him, I just couldn't"

"And you won't" Xander promised, holding onto her hand "Look Buff, you've come this far, if you still love each now and have for all this time, nothing’s ever gonna break you two apart" he squeezed her hand in his and they both forced a smile.

"I hope you're right" she sniffed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

"Hey, I know I'm right" Xander grinned his goofy grin and almost made Buffy laugh.

"Thanks Xan" she said honestly, hugging him tightly.

"No problem" he replied as he hugged her back, before gently pushing her off "now get into that bathroom and clean yourself up, so you look at least semi-attractive when Spike gets home" he mock-ordered and she jumped to it immediately. As she made to leave the room for the bathroom, she saw Xander head for the front door and frowned.

"Where are you going?

"To send him home" the brunette answered without thinking, "he's with Wills and... "

"You set us up!" Buffy gasped in shock "You were working on me and Willow was working on Spike!"

Xander looked suddenly nervous as he shuffled his feet and looked longingly at the door he wanted to escape through.

"We just want you to be happy" he said in a small voice and Buffy couldn’t help but smile.

"I know" she nodded "and I love it that you care so much, if it weren't for you..." her voice cracked a little and her eyes teared up all over again as Xander interrupted.

"If it weren't for us nothing, you two would have figured it out on your own eventually. We just gave you a little push is all" he smiled.

"No-one had to give you a push, did they?" Buffy smirked, "I’m glad you and Wills are happy together too"

"How do you...?" Xander began to ask, but Buffy had already disappeared into the bathroom. The brunette decided it really didn’t matter how his fiend knew that he was in love with Willow and her with him, he was just happy that everyone else was happy or at least would be soon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As Xander was explaining to Buffy how much Spike loved her, he was equally as shocked to find out from Willow that Buffy loved him. He’d taken some convincing but he was just now starting to believe it, which actually presented a problem...

"I've spent all this time trying to tell myself I don't have feelings for her, now I don't know what I really do feel" he told the red-head beside him and Willow sighed.
"You can't switch off feelings, Spike" she shook her head for emphasis "believe me, I know, if you loved her before then you still love her now" she said confidently, before adding "...right?" in an unsure tone.
After a moments silence, Spike nodded his head positively.

"Yeah" he almost laughed "y'know I don't think I could stop even if I wanted to, well, I did want to" he realised "I tried to hate her or at least dislike her, but I failed miserably"
"Too much miserable has been the problem with you two lately" Willow mock-scolded "You need each other" she told him "just like me and Xander need each other" she explained, having already confessed to her relationship with the brunette a little while before, Spike of course already knew just as Buffy did.
"Is need enough?" the bleach blond frowned a little and Willow was getting tired of excuses for her two best friends not being together!
"You love each other too" she reminded him "Come on Spike, give up being the manly man and fess up!" she demanded, much to his amusement.
"Me? The manly man?" he almost burst out laughing at that "These days I'm ashamed to say I'm closer to the girly girl what with the real manly tears and all" he turned away from his friend, embarrassed that he’d even mentioned the possibility of himself crying.
"Tears don't make you weak Spike, they make you human" his friend explained and he nodded.
"I s'pose" he conceded, sighing "God, how did I get into this mess?"
"Love's a funny thing" Willow said with one her quirky smiles, what else could she say?
"That it is, Red" Spike smiled at her attempts to cheer him up and sort out the mess that was his love life.

When silence reigned, Willow felt he need another push.

"So, what are you gonna do now?" she prompted.
"Go and see Buffy I s'pose" he decided, getting to his feet "something’s gotta get done about this"
"Something good?" his friend asked hopefully and he smiled as he looked down at her sitting on the edge of the sofa.
"Yeah, something good" he promised, before turning toward the front door. He was two steps from it when he turned back to say something else and found Willow reaching for the phone.
"Oh and Will...Who are you calling?" he asked her.
"Xander" she answered sheepishly and at first he thought nothing of it, but then it occurred to him that the man had made a pretty fast exit when he’d arrived and where was he now...?
"Hey, you didn't arrange this did you?" he demanded to know and Willow did a good impression of being shocked and affronted by such an accusation.
"What? No, no arrangements" she shook her head violently as Spike re-closed the front door and turned back to her, arms folded over his chest in mock-annoyance.
"So while you’re here tellin’ me what's what, Xander isn't having the same conversation with Buffy?" he checked, and he watched as her defences crumbled.
"Well..." she was about to make an attempt at bending the truth but he didn’t give her a chance to try.
"Can't lie to me Red" Spike smirked "I know you too well"
"We thought it was a good idea" Willow sighed, annoyed at being caught and a little worried she might have upset the man by lying.
"It was a good idea" he admitted "it is, God knows we need someone to sort us two out, can't seem to do it our-bloody-selves, can we?" he said as she rose from the sofa and came over to him to give him a hug.
"I think you can now" she told him as their arms fixed around each other for a moment.
"Hope so" Spike sighed as they stepped away from each other again and he opened the front door "Wish me luck?" he said just before he stepped out.

"You don’t need luck" Willow shook her head "you have love"

There was a genuine smile on her friends lips as he walked away from Xander’s apartment and began the journey back to his own. There was a feeling inside of him that only love could cause and he couldn’t wait to get home to Buffy.

Anyone who saw Spike riding his motorbike from Xander’s apartment to his own would surely have thought of the song Bat Out Of Hell as he tore up the road at an alarming speed. He needed to talk to Buffy, mostly just needed to be near her. When Willow had told him that the girl of his dreams must indeed be in love with him now, he’d hardly believed it, but it was starting to believe it and he so wanted it to be true. He had to know for sure and as soon as possible. The more time he was given to be glad about it, the worse his heart would break if it turned out to be untrue.

The bike’s tyres screeched as Spike slammed on the brakes and very nearly hit the front of a stationary car as he pulled up outside the apartment block. The car belonged to a certain Mr Harris who was just about to get into said vehicle.

"Spike!" Xander called, as his friend dismounted and took off his helmet, but the bleach blond didn’t stop to talk or even apologise, he just kept hurrying towards the doors of the building.

"Thanks mate, for everything" he called back to Xander as he went and Xander couldn’t help but laugh at his behaviour, Spike never got like this about anything.

"No problem!" the brunette called back, "Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!" he added, unsure as to whether his friend had heard him, but not worrying about it either way, he had his own girl to get back too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The elevator had just departed as Spike reached the doors, so he took the stairs, two and three at a time, til he reached his own apartment. Once he was there, faced by the door of his own home, the door that stood between him and Buffy and possibly his entire future, all his excitement and confidence dissipated, leaving him with only nerves and panic for company.

Breathing deeply until he was no longer gasping for air, Spike took his keys from his pocket and let himself into the apartment. Buffy was sitting on the sofa, looking mostly at the floor until he came in. Her eyes immediately darted up and caught his and she smiled slightly as she greeted him.

"Hey"

"Hey, yourself" he smiled slightly as he answered, came inside, closed the door behind him and turned around to face her again. She was on her feet by now, just a yard or so of grey carpet between them. Silence reigned and their looks turned serious for a moment.

"I’m sorry" they said in perfect unison, breaking the silence and causing them both to smile again.

Spike was about to open his mouth to say something else when Buffy spoke instead.

"Look, I have a lot of stuff I think I need to say" she told him, trying her best to look him in the eye but finding it very daunting all of a sudden "so I’m just going to say it and I’d appreciate it a lot if you’d just let me say it all before you said anything back, okay?"

Not knowing what he wanted to say yet anyway, Spike simply nodded and waited to hear what Buffy had to say to him. With a deep breath she finally managed to look him directly in the eye as the words she said came straight from her heart.

"I’ve done quite a few things I’m not proud of lately, but the stupidest thing I did wasn’t staying with Angel and, before you say it, it wasn’t spending that night with you. The most stupid thing I ever did was lie to my best friend. I swore I would never do that, Spike, but the last few weeks I’ve been living a lie, denying feelings that I was afraid of, but when I got that letter, I realised life’s too short to be scared by what might happen ...Spike, I love you, you know that, but what you maybe don’t realise is that I’m in love with you and I have been for a while now..." she trailed off, tears glistening in her eyes and she noticed they were in his too. There was complete silence and it was slowly deafening Buffy.

"Spike, please, say something" she begged, but he still didn’t say a word. Instead he covered the ground between the two of them in less than two strides, and before Buffy knew what was happening, his lips were on hers. The girl was shocked but so completely in heaven that the surprise of it barely registered on the scale as Spike kissed her and she kissed him back in equal measure until oxygen finally became an issue quite a while later.

"Wow" she accidently said aloud as she tried to get her breath back and her head only swam faster when Spike began to speak.

"Elizabeth Anne Summers, I love you more than life itself" he told her honestly, his arms still around her waist where they had gone during the kiss "I’m so deeply in love that it’s killing me, but right now I don’t care if it does, because I’d die a happy man just knowing you feel the same"

"I do, William" Buffy replied, finally able to breathe correctly "I truly do. I only wish I’d have realised sooner..."

Spike interrupted her with a shake of his head.

"That doesn’t matter now" he told her, his grip tightening on her body like he never wanted to let go, well, he didn’t "what matters is that we both realise what we have now, and we’re never going to let it go" the last few words were barely a whisper before he claimed her lips again. her arms wound around his neck and pulled him closer to her, but they could never get close enough this way. As hands began to roam, Spike manoeuvred them towards the bedroom door, but Buffy pulled away.

"No" she gasped for air so she could speak.

"What?" Spike asked worriedly, he thought she wanted the same thing he did, it certainly felt like she did.

"Hold that thought" Buffy smiled, assuring him he had no need to worry as she slipped out of arms and hurried to the stereo. He watched, confused as hell, as she selected a CD and put it on, one of her discs he noticed that she’d had him bring over for her.

"What are you doing?" he had to ask, although the answer to that question was fairly obvious, he was intrigued to know why she was putting on music at a time like this.

"You think I didn’t hear you?" she smirked as a familiar song filled the room and Spike just looked as his feet, as he realised she’d heard him sing to her yesterday, the little minx hadn’t been asleep at all. Buffy herself realised it was not often she saw Spike blush, but he looked even more cute when it did, if that were possible.

"When this happens for the first time" Buffy said shyly as she came back into his embrace "I want it to be special...perfect"

"Buffy, luv, you do remember we had sex before, right?" Spike frowned a little and she couldn’t help but giggle at his strange expression.

"Yes, we did" she admitted, before turning very serious all of a sudden "but this time we’re going to make love"

He knew precisely what she meant by that as he kissed her again, before she led him into the bedroom. It wasn’t about sex, it was about so much more than that. It wasn’t just the joining of two bodies, but the joining of two heart and two souls. It was more magical than either of them had ever experienced before, even with each other, because this time, they knew they loved each other so much, and that if the whole world ended tomorrow, that fact would always be true.

~THE END~