Spike felt like a giddy schoolboy as he walked along the street towards Weatherly Park for his so-called date with Buffy. When he called her it had been to apologise, but of course neither he nor she really knew what it was he was saying sorry for. Nevertheless, she had forgiven him for the unknown factor and had agreed to meet him in the park. The two hours between that phone call and now had been hell, wondering what he should wear, what he should say to her, or even if he should show up at all! Would it not be easier on her if he left well alone, just stopped seeing her, but he knew deep within his heart and soul that he couldn't let her go. Despite all that he'd done, if she could believe in him, surely he could believe in himself, make himself into a good man. But she believed in a man that didn't exist, because she didn't know the truth yet. His past. All about her.

He had no idea what he was going to say. A small part of him reminded him of a cliched phrase his father used to use 'Honesty is the best policy', of course the bugger had been done for fraud soon after and that was only after they'd found out he was shagging both his secretaries!

Still, there was no way he could be one hundred percent honest with Buffy. Maybe that made him a coward but, he was so afraid of losing her. She was nothing like his other princess, blonde where she was dark, sun-kissed skin and bright eyes where his old lover had been pale as the china dolls she collected, eyes and hair almost raven black.

Comparing then seemed so wrong but Spike couldn't help it. He'd only ever loved one woman and now here was this other whom he felt he was falling just as hard for. Plummeting off the edge of a cliff with no net below to save him, just the jagged rocks and pain to greet him when it all went wrong, like it had before.

And what he feared most was her falling with him. At first it had seemed she liked his company as he enjoyed hers but the other night in his apartment, the look in her eyes on more than one occasion, he saw desire there like he'd never seen anywhere. He knew that when he longed to kiss her she felt something too. Though he knew the reason he always pulled back, he wondered what hers was, not daring to ask of course in case she turned it around on him.

Now here he was, sitting alone on a park bench, the bright sun warming his pale skin, not used to the harsh rays. Night was Spike's time. Sitting in bars, walking home under the moonless sky, sleeping til the sun was at it's highest then getting cleaned up and starting again when the light went away.

He lived in a world of shadows and darkness, not just around him, but inside his very soul. For a long time he'd feared himself, afraid of what he was capable of. He stayed away from people, especially women, for months. Then he'd gained enough courage to go to the nearby club, sitting in a dark corner to drink himself into oblivion.

Time crept on without him, the world turned of it's own accord and left him behind. The Bronze became a habit, the bar stool and the vodka his trusted friends. The girls weren't real to him. Bedding them was not something he did, more than it was something that happened to him. They were keen, he was alone, just wanting to feel something, anything, other than the incredible pain.

Now things were so different that he barely recognised himself in the mirror. Sometimes he smiled, much more often than he used to. Thoughts of this new woman in his life made him feel warm in his heart, a place that had been locked by chains of ice for so long. She brought the sun back into his dark world, brought him back to life somehow and it was a miraculous thing to him.

"Hi" said the very same woman he'd been thinking of and again he found the smile slid back onto his face.

"Hello, luv" he greeted as she sat down on the bench beside him, and he noticed the several inches of space between them.

"I was right before, wasn't I?" he said bitterly, staring out across the water of the calm lake. He saw her shift uncomfortably just in the edge of his visual range, before she answered.

"About what?" she asked, looking in the same direction he was. He wasn't sure whether she knew what he meant and was just pretending to be naive or if she really had no clue.

"You're afraid of me" he said sadly, looking down at his hands now, "Dunno the reason but..."

"Spike" he stopped abruptly when she interrupted him, her hand landing on his knee. His eyes shifted to her fingers, travelled up her arm to her face until his gaze met hers, "I want to be close to you" she told him, and he swallowed hard as he listened, watching those expressive eyes of hers so intently, "I just, it's not you I'm afraid of, it's what I'm feeling that scares me..." her voice trailed away and he knew why. It seemed she felt the same way he did, shocked and amazed by the ability to feel so much for someone he'd known for so short a time.

"I understand" he said so quietly he was worried she couldn't hear him, "I feel like I've known you forever, like when I'm with you, nothing matters...except us" his eyes had shifted to the ground when he started but by the time he'd finished speaking their gazes were locked onto each other again. He couldn't elaborate on the things that didn't seem important anymore, he knew that would scare her far more than a few feelings of attraction ever could. For now, it didn't matter, all other thoughts slipped away as he realised the gap between them was closing. Her eyes fluttered closed as their lips were just about to meet and he knew it was now or never.

Very gently he pressed his lips to hers, one sweet kiss, and it almost killed him to pull away but he knew he had to be careful about this, had to take things one step at a time. Her eyes opened as he moved slightly away, leaving their foreheads resting together. She looked surprised that it was over so fast, but she smiled anyway.

"You're a very sweet man, Spike" she told him and the phrase was almost amusing to him. 'She wouldn't be saying that if she knew...' a nasty voice in the back of his head told him, like the voice of one he knew but wished he could forget. The voice was gone in a flash, it's sentence left hanging, sordid words unsaid, as her hand reached up behind his head and pulled his lips back to hers.

He didn't mind, he wanted her to be in control of this, he feared for what might happen if he let it be him. She wanted more from him, he gave into it, tongues doing battle in such a thrilling way. She tasted like the day felt. Like peppermint, and candy, and sunshine. It was a bittersweet feeling for Spike, knowing that one day the truth would be told and it would all be over, but right now he was embarking on a new beginning.

- - - - - - -

Buffy was beginning to wonder if her sanity was getting away from her. She knew she was seriously lacking in good sense when she found herself standing in front of her closet in nothing but her underwear fussing over what to wear for her 'date' with Spike. This was not how it was supposed to be. He was a case, a part of her job, less than a man more of a monster, at least that's what she knew she should believe, but deep inside her, Buffy knew she didn't hate this man, didn't even dislike him, she was falling in love so fast it made her head spin and she just didn't know how to shut it off.

Finally she selected a skirt and top to wear, somewhere between sexy and casual-dressy. Then came the problem of what to do with her hair. There wasn't really time to wash it, after getting stuck in a jam on the way home from the station, she had less time than she should have and not a moment spare for hair washing it she wanted to be in time to meet Spike, and she did want to be on time, she just wanted to see him so badly it almost physically hurt.

'I must be crazy' she sighed as she sat down at her vanity, took the band from her hair and brushed out her blonde locks. She was fairly happy with it and managed to keep her hand steady enough to apply a little make up, though unless she really concentrated her hand began to shake all of it's own accord and for the life of her Buffy couldn't tell whether it was nerves, excitement, or most likely a mixture of both that made her tremble.

Checking her watch she realised if she didn't leave now she would be really late and that was the last thing she wanted to do. A part of her knew what she was doing was literally suicidal but what she felt about Spike, the way they'd connected right from the start, the way he looked at her sometimes that just made her want to rip his clothes off and..hey where the hell did that come from?! Buffy nearly crashed her car as her mind wandered off all on it's own and left the rest of her to navigate traffic all by itself.

Suddenly, she noticed she was right by the park and, finding a place to leave her car, she checked her appearance in the mirror before getting out and walking toward the bench that she'd said she'd meet him at.

From a few feet away she could see him, bleached blond hair shining bright in the sun. He looked tense even from the back and Buffy so wished that things could be simpler between them.

"Hi" she said, smiling and trying to be as casual as she could be as she arrived beside him.

"Hello, luv" he smiled back and she felt light-headed, not sure whether it was standing there in the blaring sun or just because his eyes were on her. The effect he had seemed to be getting stronger the more she thought about him and especially the more she saw him. It was scary, but in this thrilling kind of way that she was becoming just a little bit addicted too.

Buffy sat down on the bench, making sure she put several inches of space between them. The closer she was to him the less control she would have and she needed to be in control right now.

"I was right before, wasn't I?" he said somewhat sadly, pulling her from her thoughts and worries.

"About what?" she asked, truly not understanding. He seemed to be avoiding looking at her as he explained.

"You're afraid of me" she felt sick when he said it, wondering vaguely if he knew... "Dunno the reason but..." she was so relieved about that she didn't wait for him to say anymore, she felt so bad for him.

"Spike" his name came out much more seriously than she meant it to and her hand landed on his knee through sheer will of it's own, at least Buffy believed it must have. She hadn't consciously decided to do that.

"I want to be close to you" she told him as their eyes met, nothing but truth falling from her lips right now "I just, it's not you I'm afraid of, it's what I'm feeling that scares me..." she trailed off, knowing she was likely to cry if she carried on, either that or let out every secret that she had.

"I understand" his voice was low and almost non-existent when he answered her, "I feel like I've known you forever, like when I'm with you, nothing matters...except us" she watched him intently as his eyes flitted down to the ground before coming back up to meet hers. Her heart thumped in her chest and they were so close, if he didn't kiss her now she was sure she'd burst. Any other man would've, there'd been enough opportunities, and she knew guys that thought it was perfectly acceptable to attempt to get you in the bedroom on a first date, but this man who was supposed to be violent and bad, he seemed so afraid of touching her.

With their lips mere millimetres apart, Buffy let her eyes close, silently willing him to lean in that final distance. It was like lightening when it happened, when his lips finally brushed against her own, and though it lasted just a moment and was possibly the most tame kiss she had ever experienced, it was also the most special.

It was over almost as soon as it had begun, but that didn't matter. She was making progress with him, and not for the police case that was so far from her mind right now, but for her. They were getting closer and she realised that was all she wanted.

"You're a very sweet man, Spike" she whispered as they sat there, foreheads still touching, smiling in wonder at how different this man was to what he was said to be. So gentle and seemingly so scared, as if he'd never kissed a woman before, though she knew he had, that and more.

The way he was now, so close and looking so innocent, Buffy just could not control how much she wanted him. Bringing her hand up behind his head, she urged his lips back onto hers. She wanted to know him, the real him, wanted to get close to him, taste him, just love him. He seemed willing enough to let her, seemed to relax after a few moments, til they were both lost in all that they felt.

Buffy's thoughts became less coherent by the second, but one thing shone through so strong in her mind that she couldn't ignore - this was the start of her downfall, the beginning of the end.

Two weeks had passed since the day in the park when Buffy had finally managed to find that closeness with Spike that she so needed and craved. Her bosses had been thrilled with her progress as far as information was concerned, he'd started to open up a lot more in the few dates they'd had recently, although they were no closer to proving that he was guilty of what they accused him.

For the most part, Buffy realised she wasn't really trying to get information on that particular event, because in her mind, she simply could not accept that this was the man who committed the crime. How could this sweet and gentle man be guilty of murdering a woman he professed to be in love with? There was just no way it could be true. Perhaps her feelings were clouding her judgement, she'd seen it happen to others before, but this seemed different. No-one made her feel the way Spike did, and the sensible part of her brain reminded her it was nothing more than the thrill of flirting with danger, dancing too close to the fire.

Still, whatever the reasons for her attraction to this man, the point was she was going to have to deal with it. If she wanted a future with him the only way was to prove his innocence, yet she could not say for certain that he wasn't guilty. Even if she could clear him of the charge, with fair means or foul, what was he going to think of her when she admitted why she'd originally met him in that bar?

Guilt would be the death of her, if the rest of her strong emotions didn't beat it to the task, but right now Buffy was desperate to block it all out and concentrate on the job at hand. There was that word again - job. Spending time with Spike, just like she would be tonight, was nothing like a job or a hardship. She loved his company, his conversation, she loved being close to him and she'd never felt so alive as those few times when he'd dared to kiss her.

Checking herself in the mirror one final time, Buffy picked up her purse and headed out of the front door. She had to be crazy, of course she knew that, because here she was going off to eat dinner at a suspected murderer's apartment. She hated to think of it that way, but once in a while reality would hit her like a smack in the face and she had no choice but to see the world as it really was - harsh, cruel, and unfair.

'Get the information and get out' she kept telling herself it was the only way to get through this, just muddle through until he confessed or until she could find a way to prove his innocence, and then run like hell. But could she really let him go when this was over? Would she even have a choice?

- - - - - -

He had to be crazy, simply had to be, because there was just no other way that Spike could justify what was happening in his life. After that fateful day seven months ago, he swore he'd never get close to anyone again, especially not a woman. Then he'd met Buffy, and she'd turned his life upside down. When she looked at him it was like magic, when they talked it was so easy, and when they kissed, he couldn't even begin to describe what she did to him. Of course he knew it was all wrong. By concealing the truth of his past he was indirectly lying to her, and in the end when the truth came out she was going to run away as fast as her legs would allow, he just knew it. Still, he could not bring himself to confess right now. He was learning to live again through her, seeing the sun and feeling that life was worth living after all.

She'd arrive soon he realised as he checked his watch and stirred the bolognese sauce in the pan on the stove. He preferred to be alone with her, still uncomfortable amongst large crowds of people. She didn't question why he hid so much, why he'd always been alone at the bar, or why his clothes varied little from uniform black. These people that accepted the world as they found it, not questioning anything or anyone, Spike knew they existed but never thought he'd meet one he could love. In all honesty he never thought he'd love again after the first time.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he moved to let Buffy in. He took a deep breath before he opened the door, he always had to since it was so difficult to relax when she first walked in. Her beauty almost blinded him, and her want to be close to him made life more than a little difficult. He tensed when she reached to hug him, but just for a second before he revelled in her the feel of her arms around him and the perfect way she fit in his own.

Buffy always had to take a deep breath before she knocked on Spike's door. All the stories she'd heard about him before she met him made her more than a little nervous of crossing that threshold into his apartment and his world. She trusted him, as much as anyone would having only had a few dates with the guy, but that little voice in the back of her head just refused to stop telling her what an idiot she was, and how dangerous the game she was playing really was.

She managed a smile, a hello, and gave him a hug which seemed to help calm both of them down. When she was close to him the little danger-voice got quieter, because there was simply no way any part of her could feel anything other than safe when he held her this way.

Buffy didn't try to kiss him, he never seemed completely comfortable with it and she guessed it had something to do with his ex that they'd never actually mentioned, for obvious reasons. It wasn't that he didn't want to kiss her, she was fairly certain of that, since the few times they had it'd been amazing and he'd told her so. Still, it wasn't important right now, and in the end it would probably be better if they didn't get too physically involved. How difficult did she really want to make this on herself?

They sat down to eat, he asked how her day had been and as usual she was forced to lie about a waitressing career she did not have. He asked a lot of questions and she paused longer and longer between answers, the pain she felt each time she had to lie, the panic that he'd catch her out. She was feeling too much to be able to think straight as well, and it was the beginning of her downfall.

"So then my boss yelled at me" she said, telling a story that was in fact true but making it about waitressing instead of the police force, "and I was like 'get off my back, Finn, or swear to God I'll use this gun..."

"Gun?" Spike almost choked on his food as the word left her lips and her eyes went wide at the realisation of what she'd said. She simple hadn't been thinking, and now she had to explain why a waitress carried a gun at work?

"Er, it was a joke" she laughed awkwardly, "I, er, it wasn't a real gun it was a..." she reached for the wine bottle to pour another drink, hoping to steady her nerves with it as her brain went berserk inside her head. How had she made such a screw up?! She managed to pour some more wine in her glass but her fingers slipped as she moved to drink it and blood red liquid splashed down her top.

"Oh damn!" she exclaimed, secretly glad of the distraction though she hadn't done it on purpose. Spike seemed to forget what she'd just said as he grabbed a napkin from the perfectly laid table and stood up when she did, moving to help her clean her top. His hands in places they'd never been before did nothing for her concentration and when they both looked up at the same time, their eyes met and she knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. Fighting against urges that would ultimately bring only pain, she took a step back, tears cascading down her face, borne out of guilt and the agony of having to resist what she so wanted. Looking for somewhere to run, she headed for the nearest door, closing it behind her. She realised she'd probably made the worse possible choice, when she turned from the closed door and found a bed, Spike's bed, right in front of her.

Wiping the tears from her face she tried to calm down before she headed back out to talk to him. As her hand reached for the door knob it seemed his had too as it opened of it's own accord and she saw him standing there.

"What's wrong?" he asked, almost nervously and Buffy so wished she could tell him. She shook her head knowing she couldn't, and just wanting so badly for the situation to be different, for them to be two innocent and ordinary people.

He moved to hug her and it only made her feel worse as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She knew how awkward he usually felt about closeness, it was a big deal for him to initiate it.

"There's so much I should tell you" she whispered, head resting against his chest "so much you don't know about me..." her voice wavered as she moved to look up at him too seriously "but all I can think about right now is how much I want to kiss you" she told him, sick and tired of games and rules and issues. She wanted him, she was almost certain he wanted her, for tonight she didn't want anything else to matter.

"Buffy..." he was going to say something she didn't want to hear, she just knew it, and she couldn't handle it right now.

"Sshh..." she silenced him, placing her fingers on his lips. Half of her brain screamed, in a voice not unlike her boss, that she was an idiot and that the job wasn't worth this, but it wasn't about the job anymore, or the mission, it was just about her. As she told herself that very thing, her mind went silent, surrendering control to her heart and her body.

Slowly she dropped her hand away from his face, replacing her fingers with her lips on his. So gentle and chaste like it wasn't even real. She pulled back after the briefest of moments and studied his face as she allowed herself to breathe. She looked for some kind of reaction, anything at all, but his features were a blank mask.

Then their eyes met, and she knew.

Her brain barely registered despite the fact she knew it was coming, and his hands went to her waist as his lips hit hers. Perhaps hit was the wrong word, she realised, for as much passion as there was in his kiss, he was careful with her, tender, gentle. His hands did not grab at her, but swept over her, smooth caresses that made her skin tingle as he pulled her close to him, there bodies fitting perfectly against each other. She felt him against her and knew he couldn't control what she was doing to him anymore than she could control herself.

Part of her knew she should stop this now, a rational voice in the back of her head that said she was crazy, but what he did to her was like nothing she'd ever felt before, and she never wanted him to stop exciting her like this. His fingers worked the clasp behind her neck, and the ties lower down, before sliding the material from her body. It was like fire and ice when he touched her skin and her eyes fell closed as he lowered her back onto his bed.

'He could be a murderer' her mind taunted her, refusing to leave her be, as she felt his hands slide lower. Those hands could have held the gun that killed an innocent woman, she realised as his fingers roamed her body, began unfastening her skirt, tossing aside both that and his own shirt and jeans. She wanted to help but found herself incapable, just wanted to be selfish for a while and let him take her where she so desperately wanted to go.

His lips made trails of icy fire around her neck, down the side of her throat...he might have yelled with those lips, deadly threats and dirty curses, but now his whispered words were tender, his caresses loving and gentle, as all at once he made her feel so precious and alive.

A voice sang in dark and vulgar tones just how bad and wrong this was but the most part of her was helpless against him and the power he had over her. He looked into her eyes, a silent question, answered with just a look and a searing kiss.

She trusted him, realised right there and then as they moved together, that she loved him completely, just at that moment when it truly happened and he claimed her as his own. She knew then as the natural bliss flowed through her whole form and his eyes bored into her own, that she was his, and that she'd never want to be anything else for as long as she lived.

- - - - - -

He hadn't meant for this to happen and despite his reputation, his motives had been completely honourable when he'd invited her here for dinner. To eat and to talk, nothing more complicated or sinister than that, but when she'd started inexplicably crying, it almost broke his heart. All he wanted to do was hold her and tell her that whatever the problem was it would be okay. She hadn't let him. She'd moved away from him so fast that he began to wonder, did she know more than he'd told her. He guessed he was wrong when she'd made for the door to the next room rather than the exit. He'd given her a moment before he'd followed her. He'd needed that time to comprehend that this beautiful woman that he so strangely cared about was crying and that she was in his bedroom.

She'd rambled something that he didn't understand and then, she'd just kissed him and that was all it took. One kiss and she had him totally lost and never to be found again. He had to have her close to him, wanted and needed her body as near to his as possible. She made him feel things he didn't know he ever could, not just physically though that was a large part of it right now in that moment, but on so many levels, she just made him feel so free and alive. Inside of him was so dark, his heart so black and dead, she'd changed all that and he wanted her to know it, wanted her to understand how much he wanted her, needed her, loved her. He'd never dared to try to tell her, nevermind show her, but when she kissed him right then, there was nothing he could do but go with what he felt.

His hands reached for the fastenings of her clothes, and she seemed willing enough to just let it all happen. They were lying together on his bed before he'd even realised what he was doing and for the briefest second he wondered if she knew what was really happening, if she was as willing to do this as she seemed.

One look in her eyes was enough to tell him the answer, the love coupled with the desire and the need, that he had no doubt shone from his own eyes too. It petrified him, more than anything ever had before, but at the same time it was an exquisite feeling and he wanted more of it.

'Would she let you do this if she knew?' a cruel voice taunted, 'If she knew what happened to the last girl that shared your bed? That other innocent girl you claimed to love?' he heard inside his mind as his hands slid further down her body and both his and her clothing slipped away. He pushed the vulgar thoughts to one side, concentrated solely on her, and at that moment they were the only two people in the world.

In moments, they moved as one, and he had never felt so right in all his days. He belonged with this woman in every way that it was possible for a person to belong to another, there was not a doubt left in his mind about that. As they reached the point of ecstasy together, he knew she was now his, but more than that, that he was hers alone.

Spike was more than a little concerned when Buffy had called him. It was several hours since she'd left his apartment in somewhat of a hurry, and the sun was beginning to sink in the sky, turning the clouds orange as he made his way to her place. Last night had been one of the best of his existance, he'd felt dead inside for so long, and over-night Buffy had brought him back to life in the most beautiful way.

Unfortunately his happiness was tinged with something black and cold. For all the great feelings she evoked in him, there was always enough guilt and darkness to keep him for being completely content. Unless he told her the truth, he would never be free, but if his lies were revealed it could be the end, not just for their relationship but for his freedom, his life.

As he neared her front door he stopped, staring at the wooden surface and brass number's declaring the entrance to apartment twenty. He took a deep breath and raised his fist to knock only to retract it again and step away. Every time he had to face her he was afraid, scared that this would be the last time he'd see her smile, hear her say those words of love to him, feel her soft lips against his own. Too suddenly before, love had been snatched from his grasp, and he'd caused too much pain to be allowed to keep a hold on this new happiness too long.

Still, one thing he'd learnt from the suffering he'd endured was that life was not eternal as love was. Every man and woman had a limited time in this world and the most important thing next to survival had to be love. If the world stopped turning tomorrow, or if he should fall from the edge into the fires that raged below and beyond, what mattered was that Buffy knew how he felt about her. Words he'd said but not truly meant as he felt he would if he said them now. No matter what she'd called him here for today, whether it was with the passion of love or anger that she greeted him, before it was over he had to tell her the truth of what he felt for her, before it was too late.

- - - - - - -

Buffy was sure she would wear a groove in the carpet of her living room as she continued to pace up and down the length of it, but still she could not make herself stop. After her meeting with Angel and Riley, and the revelation that they were sending her into a future meeting with Spike wearing a wire, she'd been forced to sit at her desk and work as she always did. The problem was that writing reports and signing papers was made increasingly difficult when the only place her mind wanted to be was back amongst memories of last night.

In the beginning, her relationship with Spike was to be nothing more than a trick, a simple ruse to make him confess to a crime she was certain he'd committed. As she'd got to know him she had started to wonder how such a man could possibly be guilty of the charge laid against him and soon she'd found herself falling in love beyond her control. A couple of kisses, a couple of dates, all at once they were a couple and last night they'd sealed their love in the most perfect way.

Buffy hadn't intended for any of this to happen, but now that it had she was in a terrible quandary. The worry over what would happen when the truth of her job was revealed to Spike, and her relationship with him to her colleagues, had made Buffy feel physically ill to the point where she had actually been parted rather spectacularly from the contents of her stomach at one point.

It was Riley who had told her to go home and get some rest, but Buffy was sure that was more to do with him wanting her to be fit for the mission than actually caring about her health. He'd had a crush on her before, everybody knew, but now it seemed he was becoming obsessed with bringing William Blood to justice.

Buffy was almost certain that justice would be far from done if Spike went to jail, she simply could not believe he was capable of murder. Perhaps the love she felt affected her judgement, love was blind after all, perhaps it had taken away her usually clear vision of people, but right now she didn't care.

Her nausea returned right after she'd made the call to Spike, asking him to come to her apartment as soon as he could. It had taken every nerve she had to do that and now her boldness was abandoning her.

As a knock came on the door she tensed. She knew beyond it was such a contradiction of a man. Her lover, but supposed enemy too. So gentle and tender with her and yet told to be violent and murderous. With a deep breath she walked over and opened the door, finding that as soon as she saw him standing there all other feelings disappeared, leaving her only with love and terrible guilt.

"Spike" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms tight around him as soon as he'd entered the apartment. All she wanted to do was confess her sins and pray he forgave her, no longer concerned about her job or the possible danger she could be in.

"Well, I'm glad you're pleased to see me, pet" Spike smiled slightly as he pulled away from her. It was only when he put his thumbs to her cheeks and wiped away her tears, that Buffy actually realised she was crying.

"Spike" she choked out "there's something I have to tell you..." she began, unable to bear all this anymore. Unfortunately she was not allowed to finish.

"There's something I have to tell you too" he said, hands on her arms now "and usually I'm all about the chivalry and ladies going first and all that, but this time you have to let me start" he told he firmly.

"Okay" Buffy nodded, inside panicking as he seemed ready to confess to something. She prayed to God he was not about to shatter her fragile illusions that he could be innocent, that they could be happy together somehow.

"Buffy, luv" he sighed, pushing her hair out of her face gently "there's a lot we don't know about each other, and I'm not stupid, I know this has all happened fast" he told her "maybe too fast, but that doesn't change my feelings for you. I've been trying to figure out for so long exactly what you mean to me, and the bottom line is...well, I love you, Buffy" her heart almost broke at that, knowing how hard this must be for him and hating how difficult he was making things for her "I know I said it before but I'm so completely certain of it now, I just had to tell you again" he finished, and Buffy only cried harder "Hey now, I didn't mean to make you cry, I never meant to do that" he promised, pulling her back into his arms and holding her close, one hand rubbing her back.

Buffy sobbed, coughed, and spluttered, every word she'd planned to say leaking out of her mind as more salt water than she thought one person could possess fell from her eyes. Although she was crying because he'd made things so much more difficult for her, he'd also overwhelmed her with his beautiful words. He loved her more than anything and whilst in some ways it made things worse, it was a wonderful thing to be told and in part she was telling the truth when she pulled out of his arms slightly and looked into his bright blue eyes.

"It's okay, it's good tears" she told him, a hand on his cheek "Spike, I love you too, so much" she promised him faithfully, knowing that if she confessed to nothing else tonight, at least he would know how much he meant to her.

He dipped his head to kiss her then and every thought of her job, her co-workers, the meeting they were having to make the final decisions about the case, everything disappeared from her mind. The only two people in the world were her and Spike and the past and the future didn't matter anymore as they clung to each, tongues doing battle in a gloriously exhilarating way. His hands slid over her body and up inside her shirt, there was just no way to fight the tidal wave of emotions he evoked in her, no way Buffy wanted to let this end. Last night had been beautiful but had ultimately left her wanting more, she realised as she pushed his coat from his shoulders and backed him up towards the bedroom. Though both the last time and this were about love, now it was also about passion and wanting. She needed to prove what he meant to her, and longed for him to do the same.

They stopped moving when his back hit the wall by the bedroom door and Buffy pressed herself against him. She was starting to wonder if they would make it to the bed before their passion overtook them, but she didn't care enough to stop.

The phone ringing threatened to ruin everything but as Spike started to pull away she pulled him right back.

"The machine'll get it" she said breathlessly "Oh Spike, I want you"

"Want you too" he mumbled against her skin "love you so much"

As predicted the answering machine clicked and Buffy felt sick when a familiar voice filled the room that previously had been silent, save for the heavy breathing of it's occupants.

"Summers, it's Finn. The meeting just got out and it's been decided. You can't handle this so we fit you with the wire for your next meeting with Blood, get the confession that way" Spike recoiled in shock, as Buffy shook he head in disbelief and dread "One way or another, that scum is going down for what he did" was Finn's final words before the machine beeped and the message ended.

Buffy's mouth opened and closed of it's own accord as she tried to think of something, anything to say that might help. Spike looked even more stunned than she felt and so incredibly pained. Less than a minute ago they'd been almost as close as two humans could be and now there might as well be a ten mile ravine at their feet. If there was Buffy felt she'd be quite content to throw herself in, especially when Spike shoved her away and ran for the door.

- - - - - - -

Spike's mind was in over-drive, a nasty contrast to the light-headed wonder of losing himself in everything he felt for Buffy. Now he was running, so fast that the muscles in his legs burned at the sudden activity and his lungs couldn't cope with the oxygen requirement. Tears stained his face as he exited the building and shot down a back alley. He leaned back against a wall there, hiding from the light, from the world, as he had before.

As he tried in desperation to breathe more evenly, a million thoughts and fears spun through his already muddled brain. He loved Buffy, and she said she loved him, they were about to prove that love once again and suddenly...it was all a lie, a trick, an illusion. She was undercover, probably a cop, and she was out to get him. She'd betrayed him, made him feel things he shouldn't be allowed to feel anymore and it wasn't even real.

He laughed and cried all at the same time, screaming up to the heavens, begging that they tell him why. Why had he been cursed as he had, to carry on living when she was gone. His black goddess, his dark princess. Why when she passed over did they not let him go too. The fires of hell would be better than this, to live with the guilt, the pain, the anger and sadness that washed around inside him like acid, burning away anything good til he was just a shell of his former self, forced to live out his existence in a world painted black and grey.

Then came Buffy, and the light returned, like sun through clouds. Things had meaning again, the warmth of life and love returned to him. He was a human being, or more than that, he was a man in love, a man who was loved. Oh, how could he have been so stupid to believe a woman like her could love him as she convinced him she did? How could anyone love what he had become.

In floods of tears and full of sadness and rage, Spike sank to his knees on the filthy ground and recalled the last time he'd ever felt this wretched. A handful of pills and a bottle of vodka, a toast to his lost love and the pain was soon over, but not for eternity as it should have been. Meddling neighbours had seen to that, called an ambulance. Doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, a flurry of do-gooders that ultimately did him no good at all.

The sun was sinking fast and Spike felt as if it took his heart along with it. What was there to live for in a world where everything he got close to turned bad? Like the anti-Midas, turning gold to ashes with every touch, it seemed his last ditch attempt at misguided happiness only proved how impossible it would be.

From here on out he was doomed. If he avoided a sentence, he was certain losing Buffy would be the death of him, he was in too deep to live without her now, knowing that she never even truly cared for him, at least he'd had that much when he lost Dru. Now his beautiful love was his final hope. He could only pray that she forgave him as he began to run again, through the back alleys towards the building where he lived. He would not be stopping at the second floor tonight, he'd keep on pressing ahead until he stood on top of the world, where he'd happily throw himself out of this wretched plane of existence, and into the next.

It took a few moments for Buffy’s mind to catch up with what was going on. All breath left her body as she replayed Riley’s words in her mind. Spike knew. He knew the truth about who she was and what she was trying to do, only she wasn’t trying anymore. She’d genuinely fallen in love with him and now...after hearing what he’d heard, Buffy was sure Spike thought it was all a lie.

Buffy was too shocked to cry or shout. She glanced up at the door that swung on it’s hinges, clanging against the wall in what seemed like slow motion. Spike was gone, he’d run away from her because of what she was and because she’d lied to him. Was he afraid of her now, afraid to face up to the truth as she had been? Perhaps he really did have something to hide, but there was no way Buffy could believe it was cold-blooded murder as she’d been told.

With no thought in her head but finding her lover now, she pulled herself together and bolted for the door, determined to find Spike wherever he had gone, but where did she begin? As she barrelled down the stairs, she came to an abrupt halt on the other side of the main doors. There were several directions he could have taken, junctions and corners everywhere that he might have made a different decision at to her. In times of crisis where is the one place you would want to be, she asked herself as she spun around in the dark, hoping to catch sight of him or even a clue as to his whereabouts.

Eventually she realised his apartment might be a likely place. Though it was the most ridiculous place to go if you didn’t want to be found, Buffy knew from past experience that when someone panics they do not always think rationally enough to consider that.

Tears streaked down her face as she ran down the street, feet pounding the pavement and lungs burning from the exertion of the activity. She was somewhat relieved when she saw his building come into view, though she had no idea where to begin when she finally caught up with him.

Two flights of stairs and she arrived outside his door. When she realised it had been left ajar she allowed herself to breathe and carefully pushed it open. She was surprised to find he wasn’t there, but definite evidence that he had been just moments ago remained. The doors to the drinks cabinet were still swinging and an obvious space showed a bottle had been taken. Buffy looked around checking for other missing items, anything he might harm himself with for instance. She was grateful to see that the knife drawer in the kitchen was untouched and his car keys were still on the table by the window.

The light of the almost full moon shone in through the window, bathing the room in silver light, and Buffy wasn’t sure if it made the room look romantic or more sinister. With a sob she allowed more tears to fall down her cheeks as she walked closer to the window and looked out.

"Where are you, Spike?" she cried, before a strange feeling of deja vu hit her. A memory sped back to the surface of her mind and she froze.

"Oh God" Buffy gasped in realisation, flying from the apartment. Ignoring the elevator, she barrelled up the stairs, taking them two at a time and running as fast as she could. She only hoped she made it before Spike did anything stupid.

- - - - - - - -

Spike was just coming past his apartment door when he decided he needed to make a stop before he headed for the roof. His nerve to take himself out of this mortal plain was wavering slightly and so he opted to take the bottle of Jack Daniels from the drinks cabinet in his apartment before continuing his journey to the roof.

He’d started swigging from the bottle before he’d even reached the limits of the building and he stumbled out through the door onto the roof, exhaustion both emotional and physical racking his body. The view was spectacular and he truly felt as if he were standing on top of the whole world, though inside he felt as if it were all falling apart.

Breathing unevenly he walked over and climbed up onto the low wall that stood on the edge of the roof. Below him was a sheer drop of fourteen floors onto solid concrete. There was little chance of anyone surviving a fall that big and Spike was glad. He sat down on the ledge, legs dangling into oblivion, best friend Jackie D at his side as he looked out at the view one more time.

What was there in this world to stick around for? It wasn’t as if anyone was going to miss him, since the single one that he adored cared nothing for him at all. Drusilla had passed over, it was time he did the same, leave Buffy to plot against some other bloke, he thought as another mouthful of alcohol was swallowed and burned his throat.

Pulling himself to his feet once again, bottle gripped tight in his hand, Spike found a smile and declared a toast in the direction of the moon.

"Here’s to you Buffy, for royally screwing up my world good and proper, and showing me what I should have known already...I’ve got no place in this world" he drank again before continuing with a second salute to the sky, "And here’s to my darling Drusilla. I’m sorry my love, I hope when I get there you will forgive me my sins" he said as a tear ran down his cheek and he prepared to leap from his perch.

"Spike!" a voice behind him made him stumble, unfortunately scuppering his plans by propelling him backwards and onto the roof instead of off it. When he landed there in a heap the contents of his bottle spilling onto the ground beside him, he could find nothing left in him but an echoing painful laugh.

- - - - - - - -

"Spike!" Buffy yelled as she arrived on the roof, immediately regretting startling him as he stumbled and fell from his precarious position. She was so relieved to see him fall back towards her and not off the ledge as she’d feared. Immediately she ran to his side.

"Oh God, I’m so sorry you found out that way..." she was telling him as she ran to his side, somewhat surprised to find him not crying as she’d suspected, but laughing.

She crouched on the floor beside him, and noted the bottle in his hand. The laughter made more sense then. She reached out a hand to touch him, but he jerked away violently, backing up against the low wall he’d been standing on moments ago, his laughter dissipating immediately.

"I used to think that I could never be happy again" he said, eyes staring at something that wasn’t there "used to think maybe I didn’t deserve to be...after what I did"

Buffy was shaking with fear and panic as she desperately fought to speak.

"Spike, you didn’t do anything" she told him as tears cascaded down her cheeks "you couldn’t"

His eyes snapped up to look into hers and she was so disturbed by all the pain and anguish she saw there. She’d caused some if not all of that, and now she had to fix it, if only there was a way.

"You don’t know me" he said coldly, finishing off the liquid from the bottle in his hand.

"How can you say that?" Buffy choked out, "How can you sit there and...?" she just didn’t know where to begin, but fought to find words to make him see what he meant to her, despite the lies she’d told "I love you" she said firmly, making him look at her strangely "I never meant to, I was supposed to hate you, I was supposed to believe you were something bad but I can’t" she moved a little closer to him, "not once I saw the real you"

"You never met the real me" he said sadly, staring off in the other direction again, "He died when she did"

Buffy hated that he couldn’t even bring himself to look at her, and she hated that she’d caused him to get into such a state. She may not believe the terrible things she heard about Spike, but it seemed as if he did. If that were true, wouldn’t it mean all she’d been told was correct? That he really had murdered his girlfriend?

"Tell me what really happened to Drusilla" she said, calmly as she could. She was running the risk of hearing a confession she didn’t want, but she had to know for sure.

His head turned then and his bright blue eyes locked back onto hers. With a calm even tone he answered her.

"I killed her"

Buffy’s head spun as she realised the implications of what he’d said. Not only was he admitting to murder, making him guilty of the crime he was rumoured to have committed, but also it meant that if she’d been sent in to meet him wearing that wire any sooner, that would have been the end for them, as soon as those three words left his mouth. Still she couldn’t accept it was so simple.

"I don’t believe that Spike" she told him just as firmly "I can’t. You loved her, you couldn’t do that to her, I don’t believe you could do that to anybody. You don’t have it in you" she said with as shake of her head, desperate to not cry anymore, but finding it impossible to stop as Spike clambered to his feet, wobbling all the way.

"You reckon?" he asked with a tilt of his head "You think you could? Take a life?" he continued, not truly wanting an answer "To save yours? To save me? To save your precious job?" he spat nastily and Buffy swallowed hard.

"This isn’t about me" she told him and he shook his head.

"Oh, but it is, pet" he said with an almost manic smile, "Everything is about you, has been since you walked into the club that first night and I saw you"

With an almighty smash he threw the bottle to the ground and Buffy jumped to her feet for fear of the shards of glass hitting her "God, you had me fooled, just like you were s’posed to" Spike laughed like he were insane and Buffy only cried harder.

"I’m sorry" she yelled over his noise "I know it’s not enough, but it’s the truth" she begged him to understand but there seemed to be no way to get through to him, though his laughter died again as it had before.

"It’s never enough" he said, tears in his eyes now "not for you, not for me, not for her..." he looked up at the star studded sky as he climbed back up onto the wall and Buffy panicked.

"Spike, please come away from the edge" she pleased with him, unsure whether she should move closer to him or back away "You’re scaring me" she told him desperately and when he turned his head to look at her tears were rolling down his face too.

"You don’t know what scared is, luv" he said gruffly "Not really. What it’s like to be afraid for your freedom, for your sanity, for your life"

When he turned back to look out at the view, Buffy took a few tentative steps forward, hoping if she could just make it to the edge, she might be able to grab him, and pull him back out of danger. "I sometimes wonder if she was afraid, or did she welcome it" he continued softly as she reached him "the freedom, the light...maybe I should have followed her then"

"Spike, no" Buffy told him, knowing all too well what he meant. He just shook his head once again.

"It doesn’t matter anymore" he cried "It never did. No-one needs me here...not even you"

"I do need you!" she told him frantically, praying that she might get through to him if she just kept talking "I don’t know how it happened but I do need you. I love you"

"Even if I’m a murderer?" he asked her with a look that she was certain was meant to scare her, but it didn’t.

"You’re not, Spike" she told him, reaching out a hand to his arm, glad when he didn’t push her away "I won’t believe it, I can’t"

"You did before" he said sadly, looking down at her "You must’ve"

"I didn’t know you then!" she told him, hand gripping onto his wrist for dear life "I do now. After all that’s happened, after what we did..." she realised she was quite angry as well as upset at the implication, as she yelled "You really think I could do that for a job?! You really think I could...give myself to you and not love you?!" she cried, tears almost blinding her to the point where she couldn’t see his face. As her vision cleared slightly he looked down at her with some sort of understanding, or so she thought. Had she finally said enough, the right thing to make him see her love for him was real.

"I don’t know" he croaked, looking down at the drop and then back at her. He shook his head, stepping down from the edge and causing Buffy to sigh with relief.

"I don’t know anything anymore..." he told her sadly "except that I loved you, God how I loved you" he took a step towards her and her fingers slipped down from his wrist til her hand was holding his "I never thought I’d be able to feel like that again, but you..." he said so softly, the fingers of his other hand reaching out to her face but not quite making contact. Like someone flicked a switch, Buffy watched his face harden and his hands slipped away from her "What did you do to me?!" he yelled angrily, turning away from her and running his hands back through his hair.

"I’m sorry" Buffy told him, crying hard still. She was running out of ideas of what to say or do.

"No use in being sorry, luv" he said sadly, "it doesn’t do any good"

She wanted to hold him so badly and promise him they could make it all right again, but she wasn’t even sure if it were true. She loved him, she knew that for sure, but could she promise she would if the accusations against him were proven to be true? He’d said it, just moments ago, admitted that he killed Drusilla, but it couldn’t be that simple. Neither could his loving her before but not now.

"You said you loved me" she reminded him, and he turned to look at her sideways "You don’t anymore?" she asked, afraid of either answer. She watched him walk back over to the edge, and look down at the sheer drop.

"Even if you can’t love me now" she called desperately behind him "please don’t leave me. Not when I’ve just realised how much I need you, how much I really love you" she didn’t think it were possible for her to cry anymore but she just could not stop. Tears upon tears that fell like torrential rain from her eyes, the pain inside of her, gut-wrenching guilt tearing her to shreds.

"I don’t know how much more of this I can take" Spike’s hands gripped the bricks he’d stood on moments before as he listened to her sob and cry.

"I want to help, Spike, please" Buffy cautiously covered the ground between them. she had very little left to lose, she had to at least try to fix this "I’ve done a terrible thing, I know that" she told him, still sniffing as she put a hand on his back "but now we have to prove that you haven’t"

"But it’s my fault" he mumbled, head still down "mine, and his, but I can’t..." he was openly crying like a child by now and Buffy wanted to comfort him, but something he’d just said caught her attention.

"His? His, who?" she asked him "Spike, who are you talking about now"

He coughed and choked on what he meant to say, trying to be calm. All the emotion of the past year and a half had come flooding out, aided by alcohol and driving him to breaking point, but when he looked over at Buffy, there was something there in his eyes that she recognised. Genuine fear shone through with the pain, and she knew he was telling her something he probably never told anyone before.

"The devil with the angel’s face, she called him" he said, voice shaking as his body did the same "O’Connor"

"The devil with the angel’s face, she called him...O’Connor" Spike regretted the words as soon as he’d said them. He’d promised himself that he’d never speak of all this to anyone, but then he’d been making a habit of breaking those promises he’d made to himself just a few months ago. Never to let another woman get close to him, never to let himself fall in love, never to allow himself a moment when his guilt was not the main feeling in his heart and mind.

He closed his eyes and wished the world away. Wished he were anywhere but here with Buffy at his side, still clutching his hand and looking so pale, scared and strangely shocked. Wished he’d managed to throw himself off this damn building before she had caught up with him.

"Angel" he heard her say quietly, almost to herself. When she continued more loudly and he knew she was speaking to him, he made an effort to look at her.

"Liam O’Connor?" she checked, "Is that who you’re talking about, Spike?"

He didn’t have it in him to lie anymore and he nodded his head in answer to her question. There was nothing left for him to lose now. He’d already risked his heart, his mind, and his very life tonight. There was nothing that could make this moment any worse.

- - - - - - - -

To say she was in shock would possibly be the biggest understatement of the century she thought to herself as she tried to form some kind of sentence she could say to Spike. He looked so drained, emotionally and physically. The alcohol doubled up with the stress and anxiety had all taken it’s toll. The cold of the night made them both shiver, though their situation was not helping either.

How could Angel be a part of all this? He was the one behind the whole operation to bring Spike down for Drusilla’s murder. Buffy mentally slapped herself as she realised what an idiot she was. Of course he wanted Spike to be proven guilty if he was behind the crime, still it didn’t make any sense. If Spike was innocent why would he ever make a confession of murder, and yet that is what he’d done, just moments ago.

"Spike, listen to me" she said as calmly as she could, his eyes were closed again and he faced away from her, "Listen to me, please" she begged of him, putting a hand to his face. He looked at her then, blue eyes shining with tears that he fought against. She realised then she was looking at a broken man, his whole world was in pieces and she played a part in that. For that she would be eternally sorry, but for the part that Angel played she swore to herself he would suffer.

"We’re going to go back down to your apartment" she told him gently, "I’m going to help you and we’re going to figure all this out, I promise" she felt like she was talking to a child in some ways, putting it all into simple words and with a kind tone. Still he looked unsure, but she was glad he wasn’t pulling away from her touch at least.

A few moments more and he took a deep breath before he spoke to her.

"Why do you love me?" he asked her, voice hoarse from yelling and crying, "You know what I am. How can you?"

Buffy was stunned by the question and very unsure as to how she should answer. How could she even begin to explain how and why she loved Spike as she did? Still, she smiled slightly, so glad that at least he believed her love for him was real.

"Where do I start?" she sighed, "I love you because I never met anyone like you" she began "Because every time you look at me I feel dizzy and get goosebumps, and when you touch me I feel like a goddess. I love you because you’re kind and gentle, and somehow you make me feel so wanted without making me feel pressured. I love your smile, and the way you kiss me, and the way you made love to me last night..." her voice disappeared, drowned out by emotion as she moved closer to him and wiped tears from his face with her fingers, "Do you think somehow" she said in a whisper near his ear, "when all this is over, you could still love me?"

- - - - - - - -

Spike could feel Buffy shaking as she leaned in close to him and asked if there was any way he might still love her. Though he knew it made him an idiot, his feelings for her were as strong as ever, perhaps stronger when he realised that despite all she knew he’d done, she still loved him. That had to mean something, and he was fairly certain that even the best of actresses couldn’t fake all this. Tears could be shed for show, words could be easily ad-libbed to suit the occasion, but no-one’s eyes could lie for them. Such fear he saw in those hazel orbs when she thought he might end his life, such panic when he’d said O’Connor’s name and now genuine love, the like of which he hadn’t seen in so long, and even then only ever from one other.

"Buffy" he whispered, emotion cracking his voice, "I never knew I could love anyone the way I love you" he told her, "and even if I wanted to stop, I don’t think I ever could"

She managed a weak smile at that but he couldn’t return it, not after all this, he didn’t have it in him. Without a word she helped him to his feet and they headed for the door that led back down the stairs to his apartment. His head was full of jumbled thoughts and memories, a million facts, names, dates, all of which she was going to want him to confirm or deny, all of which he’d concealed for so long. Still, if he had to trust anybody, it had to be her. No-one was like Buffy, no-one in the world was...

"Buffy" he said her name and she turned to look at him just as they arrived at his front door, and he frowned, "Is that your real name?" he asked. He’d just suddenly realised that it probably wasn’t, after all she was undercover.

"Yes" she told him with a nod, "or it used to be...my real name is Elizabeth Summers" she explained, "These days most people call me Lizzy but my family and my close friends still use Buffy. My Mom started calling me Bethie when I was a little kid but I couldn’t say that. I used to call myself Buffy and it kinda stuck" she grinned in spite of herself at the innocent childhood memory and was pleased to see he managed a slight smile too.

"Buffy Summers" he said softly, his fingers passing gently over her hair as they stood there by the door, "It suits you better" he decided and she nodded once, before turning to open the door that had been left swinging as she’d run after him before.

They went inside and she got him to sit down at the table whilst she went through to the kitchen to make some coffee.

- - - - - - - -

Buffy was scared she’d drop the mugs as she tried to make coffee for herself and Spike. She was shaking so badly and there didn’t seem to be a way to make herself stop. A simple enough case, that’s what she’d thought when she’d first been assigned to the Blood investigation. Now things were so different.

The story was that late one night Drusilla Walker had decided to shoot herself in the head, after several months of strange behaviour and depression. The verdict was suicide, at least for while, but the case had been re-opened when a witness said they saw a man go into the apartment where Drusilla’s body was found. Unfortunately the witness was an elderly lady with some memory issues and was not entirely sure of what she’d seen and heard that night.

The gun had been checked again for fingerprints and DNA, and William Blood’s name came up at this point. Shortly after Miss Walkers death, Blood had disappeared from town then re-surfaced again, complete with regular appointments at a local psychiatrists office. Research was done, and it started to become clear the best way to handle this case was to take the undercover route, get him to confess without really even knowing he’d done it, or have the woman who took the job find some kind of further evidence.

Elizabeth Summers was quick to accept when offered the chance to be undercover-girl. She was desperate to prove she could handle a case such as this and Angel was quick to give her anything she asked for. She was a definite favourite of his though she’d never given him any reason to like her so much.

Buffy had thought it would all be fairly routine. If this guy was as guilty as Angel and Riley told her he was, and he’d been seeing a shrink about his problems, it probably wouldn’t take much to get him to crack. What Buffy never banked on was that she’d fall in love with the man she was supposed to send to jail. Now she was in his apartment, after having stopped him from throwing himself off a high-rise, making coffee with shaking hands and moments away from hearing a completely new version of the events she felt she’d learnt by heart.

Somehow Liam O’Connor was involved, and that shocked her to start with. Surely he wouldn’t be so stupid as to think Spike would admit to a murder that he committed, but then these things were never so simple, she knew that.

- - - - - - - -

"Here" said Buffy as she came back into the room where Spike waited, and put a mug of hot coffee in front of him on the table. He mumbled his thanks and sipped at the steaming liquid, glad to ease his dry throat and warm up his body.

Buffy sat down opposite him and he closed his eyes, expelling a weary breath as he realised this was it. He had to tell her the whole story, something he’d never repeated in any kind of detail, not even to the doctor he’d seen for weeks following that dreadful day.

"Spike?" she said uncertainly, reaching a hand across the table to cover his, but he flinched away. He didn’t deserve to have her touching him, not like this, not in this moment. She may have tricked him, he realised, and that was wrong, but she’d done it for the greater good, to make him pay as he should’ve before.

"I don’t know where to start" he said softly, opening his eyes to look at her, and Buffy looked back with sympathy written on her face.

"How about you and Drusilla, how you met maybe?" she suggested, "Or if that’s too painful..."

"No" he interrupted, "I’d rather talk about that than..." he couldn’t even bring himself to say ‘her death’, he hated to even think about it.

He started to smile as he thought back to how good life had been, back in the beginning. Drusilla had changed his life when he’d first met her and he supposed he’d changed hers too. He sometimes wondered if they might both have been better off if they’d never met, but he wouldn’t trade the memories he had of their time together for anything else in the world. She was the first woman he had truly loved, and the first to love him in return. Now here he was sitting opposite the second, the only other woman he’d ever felt this strongly for, about to spill out every detail of his ‘past life’ as it were, since he couldn’t even see himself as the same person anymore.

"Spike?" he heard Buffy prompt him again and he took a deep breath before he began.

"Oh, sorry pet, didn’t see you" the stranger said as he took hold of the girls arm to keep her from falling. She’d run down the stairs and out of the door so fast she found she couldn’t stop even when she saw someone stood in her path.

"I know you" she told him as she took in his appearance. Bright blue eyes, bleached blond hair, sharp cheekbones, gorgeous body evident through tight black T-shirt and jeans, "You walk past here every morning and every night" she said and he nodded slowly.

"I do" he agreed, "I work just round the corner" he said, eyes fixed on her face. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life, contrasting pale skin with raven hair, and large dark eyes a man could drown in.

Neither the man nor woman seemed to notice they still held onto each other now.

"What’s your name?" she asked him with such childish innocence and he smiled when he answered.

"William Blood" he told her, "though my mates call me Spike these days...and who might you be, luv?" he asked.

She turned troubled eyes back to the stairway she had come down and he wondered what sort of distress she might be in.

"I am to be yours" she told him as she turned back, "and you will be my saviour"

- - - - - - -

As a child, William had been taught by his father that men did not cry unless they were poofters and nancy boys. When that great man had died and he’d been sent to live with his mother in the cruel harsh environment of downtown Los Angeles, showing emotions was simply not an option. It was kill or be killed, take your bloody pick, and William soon had a reputation that you didn’t want to question. Still, he’d never taken the killing to be anything more than an expression, not until a few months ago.

Now here he sat, bawling like a baby into his empty coffee cup as Buffy moved to sit beside him, her hand on his back rubbing circles and trying to soothe him. The story he told, a re-telling of past events that ended so tragically, it was tearing him apart, but he knew he must go on.

"Spike, I’m sorry" Buffy told him, tears on her own cheeks at the sight of his pain, "I know this must be so hard but..."

"But you have to know the truth" he choked out the end of her sentence for her, "I understand that, I do" he sniffed and tried to regain his composure.

"It’s okay" the blonde told him softly, "In your own time, I’m not going anywhere, you take as long as you want"

The sun was beginning to rise, the pot of coffee had long turned cold, and yet the story had only just begun...

"Drusilla" Spike echoed, "Beautiful name for a beautiful woman" he told her and she smiled, ducking her face behind her hair.

"You will make a gallant knight, sir" she said when she looked at him again. He wasn’t sure what to say to that but this woman really did intrigue him, and not in the same way others had done. She was different, less forward and brash than a lot of girls that came onto him in such clubs as the one they sat in now. She didn’t look like she was dressed for a party or a night out, but she was beautiful nonetheless and a mystery so far.

"What I’m not understanding, pet, is how you see me every day, but I’ve never seen you" he said as the drinks he’d ordered from the barman finally arrived and he paid for them.

"I watch from the window" she replied, swirling her drink around in the glass so she didn’t have to look at him, "Watching the world go by but never allowed to be a part of it" she said sadly and Spike wondered what she meant by that.

Knowing what he did about this part of LA and it’s people, he knew only too well the horrors the girl might suffer. Was she kept prisoner by her parents, or a husband perhaps? Did they hurt her or just not look after her? How could anyone ever want to deny this woman anything or want to cause her harm? He couldn’t understand at all, but then she had said he was to be her saviour...

"And I’m supposed to, what? Save the princess from the tower now, am I?" he asked, half joking, testing the water as it were to see what he reaction might be.

"I think someone must" she replied, tears forming behind her eyes, "If Mummy marries the Big Bad Wolf, I am certain to be eaten whole"

- - - - - - -

"Angel?" Buffy guessed that’s who was being referred to, "He married Drusilla’s mother?"

Spike shook his head, wiping a further stray tear from his cheek.

"Never actually got wed, but he made Darla think they would" he explained, swallowing hard, "She was just desperate to be wanted. Dru’s Dad was nearly twenty years older, havin’ a filthy affair with her until he found out she was pregnant...she was only seventeen years old when she had Dru"

Buffy didn’t have words to reply to that. When she was seventeen she was still in High School, a virgin who had only really had one semi-serious boyfriend, and her biggest worries were flunking Math and having last month’s hair. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be Darla. The mistress in a sordid affair, and abandoned by her man when she found she was carrying his child.

"She treated her badly?" Buffy’s guess was met my a sad nod from Spike.

"She resented her I s’pose" he said, staring at an invisible mark on the table top, "The way Dru told it, by the time Darla realised she was pregnant and that Luke didn’t want it or her anymore, it was too late to get rid" he paused as he re-counted the days when Drusilla would cry so much and tell him all the trials and tribulations her mother had gone through, and then of her own meaningless existence.

"Luke’d send enough cash Darla’s way so she wouldn’t show up and wreck his marriage. Dru was more dragged up than brought up, since Darla spent most of her money on drink to dull the pain" he laughed painfully at that, "I got to learn how that feels" he said sadly.

"Spike, I don’t understand" Buffy admitted, "I know it’s hard for you but you have to tell me more"

He nodded and tried to concentrate as he continued his narrative.

"Spike?" Drusilla called into the darkness of the alley, shrieking first with shock and then with laughter when he grabbed her from behind, swung her round and pressed her back to the wall, "There’s my boy" she grinned before he kissed her til she was breathless.

"More trouble than usual gettin’ out tonight, pet?" he asked when they finally broke for air. She nodded sadly.

"Mummy cried for her bottle but Step-Daddy wouldn’t give it to her til she played his games" she shuddered involuntarily at the thoughts of what went on behind the bedroom door. She heard things, things she didn’t like to think about but was forced to hear through walls as thin as paper, the front door bolted to prevent her escape.

"I found the key and got out but Mr Giles saw me in the hall" she explained, referring to her neighbour. He was a kindly English man, a little rough around the edges but then you had to be to live in that part of town. Dru had looked to him as almost a father figure as a child and Spike presumed her strange mixed accent came from growing up with an Englishman close by.

"He asked if I was okay, again" she said, glancing away. Spike knew she was far from okay with her situation at home, living constantly in fear and terror, but what was to be done about it?

It seemed clear to him that Darla stuck to Angel for the money he seemed to always have and him to her for sexual favours on demand. Lately though, another factor was coming to light. Though it was only ever a clue here or there in passing, it seemed to Spike as if Angel was making advances to his girl.

A man could not be blamed for unknowingly hitting on Spike’s woman, since no-one really knew they were together. Drusilla had been screamed at and even hit by her mother for the lesser crimes than sneaking out of the house. If she knew it was all to be with a guy like Spike, Drusilla was convinced her mother would kill her. Though Spike wondered if that might be a slightly far-fetched statement, he dare not argue. He couldn’t lose Drusilla, in the past months he’d fallen so head over heel in love with her. He promised to get some money together, do whatever it took, so they could leave LA together. He worked three jobs and saw Dru whenever he could, living for their time together and the future he planned for them.

"I have to go back, Spike" she said sadly as he held her tight, "Before they know I’m gone"

"I hoped we’d get longer than a few snatched minutes tonight Dru" he sighed, "Being away from you so much is killing me, and these moments are sweet torture"

"Soon, my love" she told him, running her fingers through his hair and down his cheek, "Soon, I’ll be free to be yours" she smiled, before kissing him soundly.

Spike watched a moment later as she ran back into the building, hoping for her sake that she managed to get back inside before her mother and the git emerged from the bedroom and found her gone.

- - - - - - -

"She made it that night" Spike said shakily, "but there were times when she got caught...the bruises she had, the way her mother treated her and I couldn’t..." his voice disappeared to nothing as the emotion overtook him once again and he cried.

"Did Angel hit her too?" Buffy asked him, hating that he was going through so much pain right now but desperate to know the truth so she could at least try to fix some of the mess that had been made.

Spike shook his head in the negative, still crying and Buffy told him to take his time A few moments later he could speak again.

"He’d never hit her, was never violent back then" he explained, "She was why he stuck with Darla, even though she was older and almost always drunk..." his eyes snapped up to meet Buffy’s then and she shivered at the severity of his gaze, when he said "He wanted Drusilla to be his"

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