The LA gang and Buffy had breakfast in the conference room, and mostly they were silent throughout. Everyone had plenty to think about and most were too afraid of saying anything for fear of upsetting someone else.

Spike was very aware of Buffy watching him, or more accurately, looking at him when she didn't think he knew about it. He self-consciously swirled the blood in his mug and only drank when she glanced away, all the time very conscious of his demon trying to come to the surface in response to the plasma going down his throat. He'd waited too long to see her again, the last thing he wanted to do was remind her of the monster that lurked inside the man.

When each persons share of the food was gone, there was no excuse left not to speak. It was Wesley that eventually broke the silence, causing everyone to turn their attention to him. The fact that he sat at the side of the table with the others did not go un-noticed, the head of the table was left empty.

"We were considering a ceremony" the ex-Watcher told Buffy, "to properly say goodbye" he explained and the Slayer nodded slowly. Angel could not have a funeral, there was no body to bury or even ashes to scatter, the dust would have been lost amongst so much other debris.

"It's a good idea" she said quietly, as she fought back further tears. Fred, who sat to her left reached out a hand to cover hers, and the women shared a sad smile.

Both had seen so much in their young lives, lived through so much pain and fear and loss. Spike watched the look pass between them and couldn't help but smile a little. Fred was a sweet girl, and he'd often thought that maybe if he hadn't been so in love with Buffy and she in love with Wes, perhaps they might have meant more to each other. As it was she was another sister-figure for him, much like Dawn had been.

So lost in his thoughts, the vampire did not notice that everybody had left the room, until the door clicking shut caught his attention. Just he and Buffy remained now.

"You seem to be making a habit of spacing out on me" she commented as he came out of his daze to find her turned in her seat and staring at him.

"Sorry, pet" he apologised, "Just got a lot on my mind lately"

"I get that" the Slayer nodded, "but you have an advantage on me" she told him, "you have all the information, and you kinda belong here now...I feel..." she stumbled over what she meant to say and Spike frowned. He'd love to have asked precisely what it was she felt but he was too afraid of the answer, so the question went unasked and Buffy's sentence unfinished. She rose from her seat and walked over to the window, finding it all so much harder than she thought she would.

"Tell me your story, Spike" she said, eyes fixed on the view, "Tell me how you got here"

The vampire sighed, half relieved and yet half disappointed that the moment had been lost. Still, he had promised to impart the tale of his death and return to her if she wanted to hear it and here she was now asking, so he would tell.

"Well" he began, feeling strange facing the other way, back to back with the person he was addressing, but not daring to turn around yet, "I remember, I told you to run from the Hellmouth" he decided to start there, completely bypassing the words they'd shared, what had happened when she'd held his hand and those three words she'd said. Now wasn't the time...

"Then the light got stronger, I could feel the heat and, it was painful, obviously, burning me away, but it also felt right, pure, like for the first time in my life I belonged, I was doing something right and...well, it probably sounds stupid to you..."

"No" Buffy surprised herself as well as Spike by interrupting. He turned his head and looked at her over his shoulder just as she turned to face him, "It's not stupid" she promised him, and they shared a look before she said "please, go on"

He got up from his seat and came to stand beside her, and she watched his ever changing expression as he watched the world go by and told his story.

"Then it was over, I was gone, at least I thought I was. Don't really remember anything then until I was standing here, right in this room" he looked thoughtful as he glanced across the table and chairs, remembering the instance, "There I was, face to face with him, with Angel" he told her, catching her eyes with his for a second, before returning his attention to the window, "I was tied to the amulet, Wes and Fred did some digging around, didn't tell the rest of the company, didn't rightly know what the hell was going on for a while...anyway, the downside to my being back was I was as incorporeal as the bloody First Evil thing had been, plus every trip to the front doors made me pop straight back to wherever the amulet was" when he fell silent Buffy prompted him.

"So how come you're all solid again now?"

"A spell" he said simply, "Always about the mojo, ain't it?" he shrugged, his hands deep in his pockets and a lop-sided smile on his face. Buffy could so easily have taken herself back in time to the days before the fall of Sunnydale, he hadn't changed, not in most ways, but she had, and she wasn't sure what that meant for the future.

"Bit more to it than that of course" she shook her head as she realised he was still speaking and she wasn't completely listening, "but that's all details that I don't really understand myself...but that brought me back to my solid self, still vamped as ever, but still with my soul"

"Y'know what I think?" Buffy said, staring out of the window again, the roles reversed as Spike watched her instead, "I think you're just trying to copy me by refusing to stay dead" she turned her head and smiled at him as he suddenly realised she was joking. It was so long since they'd done that, smiled together like they really meant it. There was a long way to go, but it was a start.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Hey Wes" Buffy managed a smile as she entered his office, less than an hour after breakfast.

"Buffy, what can I do for you?" he asked, getting up and walking around his desk.

"I was thinking about what you said" the Slayer told him, "About a ceremony for Angel...I don't know exactly what you had in mind but I think it could be a good idea, for all of us"

"I'm glad you agree" Wesley nodded, "I thought he deserved some sort of goodbye, I know there are those amongst us who need the closure"

"Spike" Buffy cut in, knowing Wesley must have noticed the connection the vampire had talked about between himself and his grand-sire, "He told me they got closer"

"They did" the ex-Watcher agreed, "which I must say surprised me, and I know it surprised Angel, but I think perhaps when forced into a situation as they were, you learn to adapt as it were"

"I guess" Buffy agreed, not completely listening, still wondering what it must have been like to have her two favourite vampires getting along, something she'd never seen, and now never would.

"Buffy?" Wesley said again when she didn't answer.

"I'm sorry Wes" she replied as she shook herself out of her daze, "My head seems to spend half it's time some place other-where" she smiled.

"That's quite alright" he assured her, "Er, not that I wish to pry" he continued, not looking at her much now as he spoke, "but how are things with you and Spike"

"Like they always were" she replied easily, and he looked up, hoping for further explanation "Undefined" came her answer.

Wesley just smiled a little and nodded. He knew from what both Angel and Spike had told him that things had never been exactly normal in the bleach blond's relationship with the Slayer. He also knew that there was no doubt at all both vampires loved Buffy more than anything else in the world, and it had torn them both apart trying to stay away from her after the collapse of Sunnydale five years ago.

Now Angel was gone, Buffy was back, and as the Slayer herself said, it left things very undefined, in more ways than one.

"Spike told me you and Fred are together now" the blonde changed the subject smoothly, "She's a sweet girl, I'm glad you're happy together"

"Thankyou" Wesley said sincerely touched by her words, "though I often wonder how she can love someone like me...I've changed a lot Buffy, I so often feel like I don't deserve her..."

"Talking to the wrong person about love, Wes" the Slayer smiled, "but I do know that it doesn't matter what you do, good or bad, if someone truly loves you that doesn't go away, whether you want it to or not. Real love lasts, forever and beyond everything else...and listen to me, being all crazy-emotional psych-student Buffy" she ended with a half-laugh, half-sob as tears ran down her cheeks, "I should go, you have work to do" she said as she wiped them away.

Wesley nodded as he watched her head for the door.

"So, the ceremony?" he called behind her and she turned back to reply.

"This afternoon, if it's possible?" she suggested, "I'd just like it to be over, y'know?"

Wesley nodded he understood as the Slayer finally left the room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Buffy was half comforted, half distressed by the silence of her room at Wolfram and Hart. For the most part she was glad to be alone, since she really didn't know what to say to Angel's friends. She didn't know precisely what she was feeling, apart from obvious grief over a loved ones death, and it wasn't like before when she lost others. These weren't her friends, or they were but not in the same way as the Scoobies back in England. The only person here who she felt really close to was Spike and talking to him was hardest of all.

From that day when Spike had first admitted to loving Buffy, their relationship had been undefined, maybe even before that when he got the chip and began to fight the same enemy that the Slayer and her friends did, but now it was worse than ever. The final words the vampire had heard before he died had been 'I love you' from her own lips, and yet Buffy wasn't sure what that meant to him anymore, or even if she'd meant it the way it sounded. She did love him, that she was sure of, just as she loved Willow and Xander, but whether she was in love with him, that was something she'd never been one hundred percent certain about.

There were times, before and after she lost him, when she thought maybe she was in love with him, or she had been at some point, but at first it seemed fruitless because she believed it could never work between them, and then he was gone and it was pointless to an even larger extent.

Now he was back. There was no excuse of Angel standing in her way, and she couldn't use the vampire issue since she was always bringing up the subject of her love for Angel, and the soul clause was out since Spike had battled to have his returned to him.

Nothing solid stood between them, if they wanted to have some sort of relationship, and yet that was the problem. Buffy was still not certain about what kind of relationship she wanted them to have, or if Spike still wanted her that way. It had been five years since she'd last seen him, he'd changed a lot, as she felt she had too. So much had altered in both their lives, Angel's death being the latest big event.

When they'd talked earlier, in the conference room, it had hurt so much to hear of Spike's death all over again, and yet it warmed her heart to hear how he came back and how he was eventually accepted into the group at Wolfram and Hart. It made Buffy realise that his getting along with the grand-sire he professed to hate so much made Spike happy, because it meant he fit in somewhere, he had a strange kind of family, and he never truly had that anywhere else.

After his explanations, and a short narration from her about her move to England and the current situation there, Buffy had thought it best to exit stage left before things got complicated. Talking to him was almost too comfortable and familiar, she could feel herself going back five or six years, when they used to sit in his crypt and later her own basement, just talking. He was always the best listener, she smiled at the thought, that at least had not changed.

A tapping on the door broke the Slayer from her thoughts and she called 'come in' only to see Fred appear. The Texan told her Wesley was arranging the ceremony for Angel to be in just a couple of hours in the lately departed vampires office, over-looking the city. It seemed fitting and Buffy agreed it was a good idea. Everyone would get a chance to say something about Angel, a sort of goodbye, and then apparently Spike had something he had to do, though as yet no-one knew what that was. Buffy frowned as Fred left her alone again. Clearly Angel had told Spike something that he wanted to happen if he should go first. She wondered why he hadn't told her about it though

'Well' she sighed to herself as she looked through her cases for something suitable to wear, 'I guess I'll find out in a couple of hours'. Right now she had to concentrate on getting through her final goodbye to her first true love and that was almost scarier than anything else she'd ever faced.

"We are here today to pay tribute and to say goodbye to our friend, Angel" Wesley began, swallowing hard as the emotion of the occasion caught up with him, "He meant something to all of us here, he was a great friend as well as a great warrior and he will be greatly missed..." he trailed off as he looked at those standing before him, Buffy in the centre with Spike to one side and Fred the other, Lorne and Gunn flanking them. Everyone looked so sombre and still, not at all how they usually appeared.

"I would like to take the first opportunity in thanking the Powers That Be for giving us the chance to know him and work alongside him" Wesley continued eventually, "You will be missed Angel" he said towards a framed photograph that had been placed on the desk, "but you will also be forever remembered"

With a silent sigh, the ex-Watcher walked over to Fred's side and Gunn took his turn to stand before the group.

"I'm not good with the fancy speeches" he admitted, "and as y'all know I wasn't that much of a vamp fan to start with, even the souled variety, but Angel proved to me that anyone can be good if they really want to be, if they're willing to try...You were a hell of a guy to know, man" he told the photo just as Wes had done, "Rest in peace, bro"

He joined the line of friends again and Fred took her turn, glad of the way Wesley squeezed her hand before she stepped up. Tears were already in her eyes before she even began to speak.

"When I got lost in Pylea, I thought that was all my life would ever be...because of Angel, I was saved from that place and brought here" her voice cracked with emotion and tears rolled down her face as she continued, "I've found friends, and people I love, and I've made a life that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, I wanna thank you for that Angel and for being a great friend to all of us" she ended by placing a red rose on the desk by the photograph before going back to Wesley's side and crying on his shoulder.

Spike encouraged Lorne to step up next, since he needed to be last and figured Buffy wasn't quite ready to face this yet, if she ever would be. The green demon nodded and took the stage as it were, taking a deep breath before he began.

"Well, you know me Angel-cakes" he half-smiled at the picture, "there's only one way I know to communicate...I know this one of your favourites so, this ones for you sweetie" he managed a smile before he started to sing.

"I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice, shadows of a man, a face through the window, crying in the night..."

No-one could supress a smile or a tear at the song Angel had such affection for, even Buffy seemed to understand the relevance of it. Spike shook his head, almost laughing. It was a beautifully humorous way to send off his grande-sire.

As Lorne returned to his place in the line a few minutes later, the Slayer knew it was now her turn. Spike's hand on her shoulder right before she stepped forward helped a little but this was still one of the hardest things she would ever have to do, say goodbye to her first true love. She swallowed hard as she glanced at the picture of him before turning to face his friends.

"Angel was the first man I ever truly loved" she began somewhat shakily, "I knew deep down it would never work out between us, too much stood in our way, but I still loved him and I always will" she choked out, tears rolling down her face in waves and she fought to say all she wanted to, "I wish I'd have had the courage to come here before, and see how happy he was working alongside his friends. I wish a lot of things, but it's too late for that. I have to say goodbye now, however much it hurts" her voice cracked again on the word 'goodbye' but she struggled on regardless, turning back to the photograph and running a finger around the frame, "You will always be in my heart" she promised, before kissing her fingers and placing them on the picture. With one last glance at it, she turned back and went to stand between Spike and Fred again, noticing that she had caused just about everyone else to cry as well as herself. She was perhaps most shocked to see the vampire wipe away a tear or two.

Now it was his turn, and Spike found he was a lot more nervous than he normally would be about anything. A conversation he'd had with Angel, one day years ago when they'd had a fight about Buffy and then they'd both got more than slightly drunk. The fight had been about Buffy as most of their disagreements had, but the liquor brought out emotions afterwards that made the older vamp divulge a secret that he'd never told anyone before...

"What can I say that hasn't already been said?" Spike asked rhetorically as he stood before the gang, "Angel and me, we weren't the best of friends, but by the end, well, we had some kind of understanding. I wouldn't exist the way I do if not for him" he reminded them, as memories of being the Scourge of Europe bounced around in his mind, "He was family, in a funny sort of way, and we had more in common that we ever cared to admit" he smiled slightly, as he looked pointedly at Buffy before turning to the photograph on the desk, "There's no denying we pissed each other off a whole lot of the time, but maybe we helped each other too. Today, I'll keep the promise I made years ago" he fought to keep his composure as he walked over to a painting that hung on the wall and removed it, before pushing a button he found there, "I know you will have made it" he continued to speak as if to Angel as a section of the wall shifted up into the ceiling, "to whatever place the good guys go in the end...rest in peace mate" he finished as he stepped aside to reveal to the group what had been hidden in the wall, "you've earned it"

Silently the old Angel Investigations squad and the Slayer stared at Spike at the space in the wall where a safe resided. None of them ever knew it was there or what it held, but Spike knew and had done for quite some time. Today was the day that he explained.

"Not long after I arrived here" he began again, "Me and Angel had a...well, it was one helluva fight and after that there was a lot of alcohol and we talked things over, a lot of things that aren't important now...but he told me something that I swore to keep a secret until the day came when..." he trailed off finding it hard to explain this. He gave up with words, instead turning to actions and opening the safe with a code he'd had memorised for almost five years but had never used.

Eventually the door clicked open and reaching inside Spike produced a pile of envelopes. He walked towards the group with them in his hand, stopping just a pace or so away. From the top of the pile of envelopes he took a single sheet of paper and read aloud from it. The friends all guessed it was Angels words that he spoke.

"Eventually we all have to leave this world, and it's always hardest on those we leave behind. I know that fighting the good fight like I do means I'm risking myself all the time. I don't want to go without getting a chance to say goodbye to the people that matter to me so I am writing my final words to you now, in the hope that it is a long time before you ever need to read them, Angel" Spike ended with tears in his eyes as he put down the piece of paper and carefully handed out the envelopes, each one with their name on in Angels flowing hand-writing. At the end there were three left without owners.

"This one says Cordelia on it" he told them, "this one Faith, and this one..." he trailed off as the gang waited expectantly for the other name, but he couldn't tell them, it was too much to explain right now and he didn't have the strength, "this one is something else" he shook his head, indicating it didn't matter as he stuffed the final envelope into his duster pocket - the one that read simply 'Connor'.

- - - - - - - - -

Buffy was alone in her room again, this time cradling an envelope in her hands, tracing the pattern of her name in Angels handwriting with her finger across the paper surface. This was his final words to her, his last goodbye and as much as she wanted to know what he had to tell her, she was afraid of what it might say. If she did this, opened up the letter and read the words, he'd truly be gone, there'd be nothing left.

On the other hand, she realised, it would then be over. The ceremony was done, she'd said her goodbye, once she'd given Angel the chance to do the same, then this chapter of her life could begin it's close and she could move on as she had before when Spike had left her, but now he was back and that was a whole other thing that she couldn't quite deal with yet.

With a deep breath she decided she owed Angel this much. She must read the words he wanted her to know. With shaking hands she pulled out the single sheet of paper and began to read;

'Buffy,

It's hard to know where to start a letter like this. If you're reading this it means I'm gone from this world, but there's no way of me knowing how far into your future you are. As I write this it is the Summer of 2006, and this is a new version of something I have written so many times before. I started doing this not long after I came to LA, knowing that my time could be up at any moment and that I didn't want to go without telling you a few things. Of course our lives are constantly changing so I often feel the need to re-write what went before.

First I want you to know that I love you, I always have, and nothing will ever change that not even my final death. I want you to remember me and the good times we had. Don't cry too much over my passing, I want you to move on with your life and live happily ever after somehow, it's all I ever wanted for you, Buffy.

Second I have to make a confession. I was part of the reason that Spike never came to find you. When he first arrived there was a lot of confusion and he wasn't sure whether coming to find you was for the best or not. I helped to convince him to leave you alone, and if I made the wrong decision then I'm truly sorry, but I only wanted what was best for you.

Lastly, I want to wish you the happiest life you can possibly have. You deserve the best Buffy, the happiness and the love, and I hope you get that. I could say a million things to you, but there is no point now. I am gone from your life, hopefully gone but not forgotten, but still I want you to live now, in a way you never could have done with me.

Love you always Buffy

Angel'

With tears already pouring down her cheeks, the Slayer laid down on her bed, letting the paper slip from her fingers as she cried her heart out. She was crying for the loss of a vampire she loved so dearly. She cried because he'd loved her so much. She cried because despite the darkness his death caused her to be in, she felt guilty, as she looked up and saw Spike in her doorway, and realised there was a light at the end of the tunnel...

When the group had dispersed from Angel's office, Spike stayed behind. He knew this day would come eventually, the day when he found out exactly what his grand-sire thought of him. For reasons he couldn't figure out at all, the younger vampire was partially afraid of what he might find written inside this envelope.

'Stop being a poncy bugger and read the damn thing' he told himself angrily, as he sat down on the edge of the desk, tearing open the envelope and pulling out the one sheet of paper it contained.

'Spike,

I honestly don't know where to start with this. Despite the arguments and fights we've had, you probably know me better than a lot of the other people in my life. We had some times Spike my boy, no doubt you remember just as clearly as I do.

You've come a long way these past years, and I hope that in some way I helped with that. Now I'm gone, well, I have no doubt a celebration is on your mind.

All I can do is ask you one final favour. I don't know how far into the future it is that you're reading this, but if Buffy is still around, just make sure she gets my final goodbye to her. I know you love her, as much as it pains me to admit it. I can't tell you what to do, I've tried before and it never works, but one way or another, just make sure she's happy for me. It's all I ever wanted for her.

Not much else I can say now Spike, except stick at the redemption thing, because I'm pretty sure it's gonna pay of for the both of us.

Angel'

Spike continued to stare at the letter even after he'd finished reading it. His old

grande-sire and him, they'd been through a lot, good and bad. It was still weird to

know he'd never see him again, but it pleased him to know the old git did care, just a

little, he wanted him to succeed at being a good man, and he would.

He'd half expected Angel to mention Buffy in his final words to him. He wanted him

to make sure the Slayer was happy, Spike almost laughed at that. He'd never known

what was right for her, never could quite tell what she was thinking or what she

wanted, he wondered if she knew herself half the time. What Spike did know was that

he'd missed her horribly these past five years and that he still loved her with all

that he had and all that he was, that would never change. Now all he had to do was

find out what he meant to her, if anything at all.

With a determined feeling flowing through him, he pocketed Angel's letter and headed for the room where Buffy was staying. He had to talk to her about this, had to know what her plans were for now, for her life. Should he expect to be a part of it? As awful as his timing was, and he knew it really was, he couldn't keep on second-guessing her, he had to know the truth.

When Spike arrived outside the door of the small 'apartment', he wondered whether

to knock or just walk in, then he heard a tiny sound, a sobbing. His Slayer was crying

again and it pained him to hear it. Without further thought he crept inside, across the

living area to her bedroom door. He pushed it open and stood there just watching her

sob into her pillow, Angel's last words to her lying on the carpet. As if she sensed his presence her head lifted and she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"I'm sorry, Slayer" the words fell out of his mouth without his brain even engaging.

Buffy sniffed and pulled herself up to a sitting position, wiping her face on her sleeve.

"For what?" she asked, her voice barely audible as he stepped nervously into the room.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting" he admitted, sitting down on the edge of the bed, his back to her, "and that I'm hurting, and that things haven't turned out the way they should"

"Nothing ever does" Buffy sighed lightly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He turned at the sound of her voice and the feel of her touch, unable to help the half-smile that formed on his lips. He was pleased to see her return it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you too" he couldn't look her in the eye when he said it, as he placed his hand over hers, "I should have called or something, I never wanted you to mourn for me. You already have too many reasons to cry"

"I loved you" she said, also unable to meet his eyes as she spoke, "I was never going to get through your death without crying"

Spike almost physically flinched at her use of the past tense. She loved him, back then it had been true, but now it seemed things were different just like he thought.

"I loved you too" he reminded her, sticking with the past as she had for now, not daring to risk his heart again so soon, "and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done letting go of you"

Whether he meant telling her to run from the Hellmouth or using all his will-power to not call her when he returned to this plain of existence, Buffy wasn't sure, but she read meaning into his words - he loved her then, he didn't love her that way anymore.

Further tears fell down the blonde Slayer's cheeks as she let her hand slip from the vampire's shoulder. It hurt that he didn't want her the way he used to, but a part of her had to wonder if what she felt for him was as strong as it seemed. It'd been five years since they saw each other last, she'd just lost a man she'd loved since she was fifteen, there were factors that made the situation unusual - how was anyone supposed to judge their true emotions?

The phone by the side of the bed rang into life, the harsh sound startling both occupants of the room. When Buffy made no move, Spike got to his feet and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh, Mr Spike, we've been trying to locate you" one of the chief receptionists of Wolfram & Hart told him, "Miss Burkle said we might find you in Miss Summers room"

"What do you want?" Spike snapped a little more than he meant to, catching the girls sharp intake of breath at his tone, "I'm sorry, Kimberley" he apologised, "What is it you needed me for?"

"Er, well" she began awkwardly, "there is a call for Mr Angel and as instructed, being a personal call, I was trying to find you so you could take it"

Spike frowned and Buffy looked on, wondering what was being said on the other end of the line.

"Who's calling for him?" he asked cautiously.

"A Miss Willow Rosenburg, sir" came the reply, and Spike closed his eyes and sighed. Buffy looked up at him with a slight frown and, covering the mouth-piece with his hand, he spoke to her.

"Red's on the phone" he explained, "I've been taking all Angel's personal calls, breaking the news..."

"I haven't called home since I got here" she interrupted "just at the airport to let them know I arrived okay..." her voice trailed away as she thought of her friends back in England and how happy they'd been before this, before she'd come back to LA. Willow, Xander, Dawn, Giles, Faith - no-one back there knew that Angel was gone or that Spike had been in LA this whole time.

"Buffy, luv" Spike placed a hand on her shoulder the phone still in his other hand as he tried to get her attention, "I know it's tough for you, Slayer" he sympathised as she looked over at him again, hardly noticing that he reverted back to the nick-name he'd used for so long "but I think you're going to have to be the one to tell her...she doesn't even know I'm here, it might be one shock too many for the poor little witch"

Buffy nodded, holding out her hand to take the phone from him. Spike handed it to her and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" she called behind him, and he turned back, "I know it's stupid but this might be easier with you here with me" she said in a small voice. With a nod he came to sit beside her on the bed again as the receptionist connected the call.

"Hey Will, it's Buffy" the Slayer greeted her friend, "I'm sorry I didn't call before"

"That's okay" Spike heard her response with his vampire hearing, "We were just kinda worried is all"

"I know, and I'm sorry, it's just..." Buffy paused trying to gather her strength to impart the news that would be as painful for her to say as it would be for her friend to hear, Willow had always got on well with Angel, "Willow, something happened to Angel, that's why I had to come here" without moving her eyes from an invisible spot on the carpet, Buffy shifted her right hand across her lap onto Spike's where his own were, linking her fingers with his as if to draw strength from his presence beside her, "Willow, Angel's dead" she finally forced out and Spike heard the loud gasp on the other end of the line.

Soon Willow was crying hard and Xander, who'd been standing beside her the whole time, took the phone from his girlfriend and spoke to a tearful Buffy.

"I'm sorry, Buff" the brunette sighed, "Despite everything, I know what he meant to you"

Buffy knew Xander had always hated Angel and his being so nice about all this only served to upset her more. Her voice went away as tears rolled down her cheeks and Spike could hear the boy on the other end of the phone frantically calling the Slayers name. Letting her fingers slip from his, the vampire wrapped one arm around Buffy's shoulders, holding her close as he took hold of the phone with the other hand.

"Hello Xander" he said as casually as he could, finding it strange to use the brunettes real name, and after so long too.

"Who is this?" Spike could almost see the frown that Willow witnessed as she brought her head up from Xander's chest and looked at him with red-rimmed eyes, completely confused both by her boyfriends question and the fairly loud English voice she could hear coming through the phone.

"Who do you think it is, whelp?" the vampire, couldn't help a slight smirk as he imagined the shocked look on Xander's face right now.

"Spike?" he gasped, "How? What? How?"

"Long story, mate" he sighed as Buffy sobbed into his shoulder, "but I don't have time to tell it right now. The Slayer here is pretty upset still"

"Will too" Xander said automatically, mind still reeling at the concept of Spike being not as dead as he'd thought!

"I'll get Buffy to give you lot a ring as soon as she feels better, okay?" the vamp promised, "In the meantime, you might wanna break the news to everyone there...all of it" he added, rubbing a hand on Buffy's back as her breathing evened out and her tears slowed.

"Okay" Xander agreed though he wasn't really thinking straight right now. The pair quickly said their goodbyes before hanging up the phone and comforting their respective teary-eyed girls.

"You okay now, pet?" Spike checked, head tilted as Buffy dis-entangled herself from him and wiped her face with her hands. She nodded, sniffing loudly and composing herself again. Spike gave her a half-smile which she couldn't quite manage to return.

"S'pose you miss them?" he asked her, knowing how close the Scooby gang had always been and probably still were now.

"I do" Buffy forced out, voice hoarse from crying, "That's part of the reason why I was thinking..." she paused as she brought her eyes up from her lap to meet his gaze, "I was thinking maybe I should go home soon" not letting on that what the other big reason was - she believed he wasn't in love with her anymore.

"So soon?" Spike asked too fast, inwardly cursing himself for pressuring her or making himself look desperate - two things he'd promised not to do this time around.

"I've done what I came here to do" she shrugged, "now, well, there's not really a reason for me to stay, is there?" the last part was partially a rhetorical question, but a large part of her really wished Spike would give her a reason. She wanted to know if she'd been wrong, if he did still love her...she almost started to cry all over again when he broke eye contact and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"I s'pose not" he said sadly, not realising what she wanted him to say. He assumed she didn't want to stay because she didn't love him. That last little flame of hope he'd been holding onto, that she might really still be in love with him, if she ever was before, finally went out.

Without a word, he got up from the edge of the bed, walked over to the door and left, Buffy's eyes following him until he was out of sight. Behind her the sun set and the almost full moon rose to shine over the city, the night-clubs making the streets come alive with people. Still, for Spike and Buffy, tonight would be the darkest and loneliest night they'd experienced for a long time.

"He's...You're..." Buffy babbled slightly as she tried to take in what she was being told. The boy standing before her, who looked to be about Dawn's age, was Angel's son? To his credit Connor looked equally confused and Spike couldn't believe this was happening now! Could the kid not have had the decency to want to track down his father after Buffy had left! Now was just inappropriate.

"Connor, this is Buffy Summers" he said carefully, hoping the Slayer was planning on keeping calm for now, though he could understand why she wouldn't.

"Buffy?" Connor repeated, looking at her strangely as if trying to remember something "You were my father's girlfriend?" he said uncertainly until she nodded.

"I was" she managed to say, still looking completely confused by the whole situation. Spike looked from one to the other and decided he must do what he'd promised Angel he would.

"Connor, I think we need to talk" he suggested as the boys attention turned back to him.

"Should I know you?" he wondered aloud, not recognising the bleached blond but feeling like they had some strange connection, he didn't know it so much as he sensed it.

"Not exactly" Spike shook his head slightly "Look, come up to Angel's office, I'll explain everything" he promised, gesturing for the boy to follow him back up the stairs, as Buffy looked on in shock.

"Angel is in his office?" Connor checked as he made to follow. Spike couldn't tell him like this, it wasn't the way, and he was glad Buffy was too shocked to tell him the truth right now.

"Just, come on" he urged, glad when Connor warily decided to follow without further question. As they climbed the stairs side by side, Spike realised that Buffy was right on their heels.

"Buffy, luv" he turned to stop her, causing Connor to pause and looked back too "er Connor you go ahead, Eric do me a favour" he called to the nearest W&H employee "get him to the bosses office" the man who appeared to be Eric opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it when Spike snapped at him "and don't ask any questions!"

In a moment Connor had disappeared up the stairs with Eric, leaving Buffy and Spike alone again.

"Spike, you just said he's Angel's son" she began, finally letting out all the stuff that had spun around her head for the past five minutes and had finally settled into fairly coherent sentences "Angel was a vampire how is that even possible and oh my God why didn't he tell me?!"

"Buffy, please, calm down" Spike urged her, with a hand on either of her arms "If you're willing to stay a little longer, I'll explain it all, the entire story, however long it takes" he promised "but I think Connor deserves a few answers first, especially since I've got to tell him why dear old Dad isn't here"

Buffy was about to start protesting when he said that last part and then she found she couldn't. Somehow this young man was Angel's son and therefore was about to be told his father was dead. He needed an explanation and time to grieve as she had done, and it seemed the only person who could help him right now was Spike. For once in her life she mustn't be selfish, she knew that.

"Okay" she agreed in a quiet voice "I'll stay and wait" she nodded, knowing there was no way she could go back to England now without hearing the rest of the tale "but you owe me an explanation" she told Spike just as he turned to walk away from her to go and find Connor.

"Actually" he called sadly over his shoulder "the person who owes you that ain't here"

- - - - - - - -

Upstairs in the room that would always be Angel's office despite his death, a very confused young man sat on the edge of the desk, staring at a framed photograph of a man he was fairly sure was his father, though he hadn't always thought so...

"You okay Connor?" a British voice said from the door and he looked up to see Spike there. Putting the photo down again, he shook his head and stood up.

"Yes, no, I don't know anymore" he admitted "Where's Angel?"

Spike closed his eyes for a second and sighed before he told the boy the painful truth.

"I'm sorry mate, Angel's dead" the vampire winced as he saw the shock and pain cross over Connor's face. He hated having to break horrible news like this to people that had already experienced too much pain in their lives. He used to love causing pain, physical and mental, but he'd changed, more and more over the past few years and somewhere between his chip, his soul, his love for Buffy, and his sacrifice for the world, he'd become much more of a man than a monster, and pain for others now meant pain for him.

"Dead?" Connor echoed, seemingly fighting tears "But he was..." he swallowed hard "he was my father, right?"

"Yes, Connor" Spike nodded "he was your father, and he loved you"

This kind of nancy-boy stuff was really not the vamps style but technically this kid was related to him, by blood. Besides, Angel was dead and Spike had promised that when it happened he'd make sure his miracle son knew he had cared for him.

"Who are you?" Connor asked next. He felt like he should know but so many memories seemed to bleed together in his mind and some were missing completely.

"My name's Spike" the bleached blond replied, vaguely wondering if he'd ever been mentioned in front of the boy.

"You're a vampire, like he was" Connor stated, though it was almost a question, he looked unsure of everything.

"Yes, also true" Spike nodded again, not entirely certain whether the boy had been told of him and his vampire status or whether he sensed the demon within, like Slayers and other vamps could.

"It's so weird" Connor wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry as he sat back down on the edge of the desk, running his hands back through his hair "I had another family, parents and a sister and...then a couple of weeks ago I had this dream, like I was a different person" he tried to explain, watching patterns on the carpet rather than the person he was talking to "There was this hell place and then I was here, with Angel and Cordelia and...It was like a dream, but it felt so real" he shook his head, wishing it would all make sense but it really didn't "I started to see things, not just in dreams but when I was awake too"

"It's all real, Connor" Spike cut in "every bit of it, but it's not for me to explain" that got the young man's attention, and Spike dug in his pocket, producing an envelope that he held out to Connor "Your Dad left this for you when he...passed on" he said carefully as the letter was taken from his hand "It should explain everything"

Connor turned the envelope over in his hands, wondering at the fact that even the handwriting was familiar, despite the fact he'd lived a completely different life for the past five years. He glanced up at Spike who stood by the door, as he wondered whether to stay or go.

"Can I be alone, please" he was asked and the vampire nodded.

"Sure thing, kid" he said as casually as he could, inside panicking because he knew even though this hurdle was over, he had the Slayer to face next, the only up-side being she hadn't left yet "If you need anything, the phone's right there" he gestured to the desk before he turned to leave "just dial down to reception and they'll find me for you"

Connor nodded once as the vampire disappeared from view, then he had a thought and called out his name. His head re-appeared around the door.

"How did you know my father?" Connor asked, remembering that despite the fact Angel was a vampire, he didn't have that many demon friends since he himself had a soul.

"Well...it's complicated" Spike admitted, re-entering the room "but, his childe was my sire. You understand that?" he asked with a tilt of his head.

"Yes" Connor nodded slowly "So we're kinda related?" he half-smiled, kind of glad to know that even if the family he thought he had was fake and his father was dead, there was one person who he had a real connection to.

"Could look at it that way I s'pose" Spike agreed with a slight smirk of his own, "I'll see ya later" he added as he finally left the room and went to find Buffy. He headed straight for the reception desk and checked with the girl there to see if Buffy had gone back to the room she'd been staying in or somewhere else. She was back in that very same room and he hurried to the top floor to see her.

She was sitting on the bed, gazing out of the window at the rapidly darkening sky as he reached the door.

"Can I come in?" he asked her back, without turning she replied.

"You don't need an invitation" she said flatly "you part-own the entire building"

"Just being polite, luv" he said quietly, sensing the edge to her voice. She was understandably pissed about the whole Angel's son thing but it was hardly his fault!

"How could you not tell me Angel had a son?!" she exploded as he reached the side of the bed "How could he not have told me?!"

"It's not as simple as it sounds pet..." he sighed as they stood there either side of the bed and he launched into the entire speech he'd been happy to avoid with Connor. Thankfully Angel explained all this in the letter to his son but Buffy had no clue about any of it. Spike hardly dared to move never mind sit down as he told the story, just in case the Slayer went nuts again! Eventually he reached the end...

"So Angel knew there was a loophole in the deal Lilah made with him, there was always a loophole back when Wolfram & Hart was dodgy. Anyway, once he died, the spell broke. Connor's memory of his old life would return, though strangely no-one else's would. Course Angel being the hero-type that he was always going to be here, assumed he'd out-live the boy so it wouldn't matter. Just in case things didn't go according to plan, he wrote the letter as explanation"

"How come he only told you?" was Buffy's first question and Spike smiled as he answered her.

"Same drunken night that he told me everything else, luv" he explained, "The whole thing with the post-grave letters in the safe and everything, the whole Connor saga came out too" he admitted.

There was silence then as Buffy tried to take in all she'd been told. Spike was about to break said silence when the telephone stole his thunder.

"Hello" he said, picking it up, "Hi Sandy what's the problem?" he greeted the night receptionist who told him Connor had left a few minutes ago. He'd asked that they tell Spike he was okay but he needed time to think about all that had happened and he should expect another visit from him soon. Spike thanked the girl for passing on the message before hanging up the phone and telling Buffy what he'd just been told.

"Poor kid" Buffy sighed, finally sitting down and Spike dared to take the space next to her, though with a couple of feet of distance between them to begin with "I know what it's like to lose a parent" Buffy continued, looking nowhere in particular "and also to be told you're not who you thought you were. Both those things at once - I wouldn't want to be in his shoes"

"Me either" Spike agreed, "Anything for a simple life...though we're never likely to get one are we, a vampire with a soul and a Slayer" he wasn't sure if he'd meant for it to come out that way, as if their lives should be one, together, but in seemed to sound that way when he said it and he wondered if she noticed.

"I was just starting to enjoy my life" Buffy mused "having some kind of normality"

Spike felt wretched then. She'd been happy in England with her project and her mates, and now all this was happening, dragging her back into a mess of demons and spells and dark memories she'd sooner forget.

"And then all this happens and you find me here - I'm sorry, pet" he said sadly.

"It's hardly your fault that Angel's gone" Buffy reached a hand over to take hold of his "and I don't want you to think I'm not glad that you're here" she half-smiled as she caught his eye "I don't know how I would have handled all this without you"

"You'd have coped Slayer" he told her with a smirk "had to when I wasn't around"

"I didn't at first" she admitted, knowing she was being ridiculous, letting all these feelings out now, but unable to hold them in any longer "after you'd gone...after I thought you'd gone..."

"Buffy..." Spike interrupted, not wanting to hear her say she was over him now or that she wanted him for a friend, it was too painful. She seemed to ignore him as she kept a tight hold on his hand and stared down at the floor, continuing with what she wanted and needed to say.

"I kept thinking it was all a weird dream" she told the carpet "Yes, we'd saved the world and it was wonderful but you couldn't be gone" she was almost crying as she looked up into his eyes now "not Spike, you always come back"
"You were right" he reminded her in a soft voice he didn't recognise as his own "I did" he reached out his other hand to carefully wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"Yeah, but I was selfish" she told him, bringing up her other hand to hold his to her cheek when he tried to move his fingers away "I thought when you came back, it'd always be to me"

He hated to know he'd caused her pain, hated that she was crying now because of something stupid that he had done.

"It should've been, baby" he told her, daring to pull her into his arms and hold her tight "I should have come back to you. I was an idiot to stay away but...hey" he stop sharply and moved his hands to her arms to push her away from his slightly "hang on a sec" he said, trying to look her in the eye but finding it impossible as she kept her head down "is this just you being all mad at me for making your decisions for you or are you trying to tell me something?" he asked, uncertainly, searching her face for an answer her mouth seemed incapable of giving as she finally glanced up at him, mouth opening and closing like a goldfish.

"Spike" she said eventually, bringing her hand up to caress him face "I...I love you" she told him "and the last time I said that you didn't believe me" she quickly added "I wasn't totally certain afterwards if I'd meant it myself but now I'm sure of what I feel, for maybe the first time in my life I'm really sure" she promised him "so I need you to just believe me when I tell you...that I love you" she repeated, feeling such relief to have finally said it when he had a chance to believe it, she prayed now that she wasn't too late.

It seemed like an eternity as she waited for him to react to her words. Eventually he leaned closer to her and tenderly placed his lips on hers, in a way she was sure he'd never kissed her before, but then she'd never really given him the chance. After a moment it ended and he leaned his forehead against hers and sighed.

"Oh sweetheart, I love you too" he promised "My precious love, you'll never know how much" he continued as he moved to take her face in his hands, tears streaming down her cheeks and forming in his own eyes too "you'll never know how many times I dreamt that..."

As much as Buffy was pleased to hear he still loved her as he always had, the rest didn't matter now. She interrupted his words by kissing him, in that sweet way that he had just kissed her. It was so different from anything else they'd shared, and at the same time familiar and comfortable, like coming home.

"It doesn't matter now, does it?" she asked as they parted once again "All that's happened before, it's not important now...I just want to be with you, always" she told him truthfully, before claiming his lips again.

Spike knew it was different, that this was not like the kisses they'd shared under a spell, or those heated embraces after she'd been torn from heaven. This was love, this was real, and it was terrifying.

Buffy was equally as scared by the feelings she had rushing around inside of her. She'd known for a while now that she was in love with Spike but she never dreamt it would work out this way, that he'd come back to her, that he'd still want her and love her the way he always had, but here he was, kissing her in this glorious way, and she never wanted him to stop.

Pushing his coat from his shoulders, she laid down on the bed and took him down with her, as he kissed his way across her face and around her throat. Her hands pulled the back of his T-shirt from his jeans, before sliding up his back, and Spike abruptly took his lips from her skin.

Buffy opened her eyes that had fallen shut of their own accord and frowned as Spike sat up again, completely cutting all contact with her. He pushed a hand through his hair and looked away.

"Spike?" Buffy frowned still as he turned to look at her, still lying back on the bed, a little dishevelled, "What's wrong?"

"If we carry on..." he said almost nervously, "I don't...I don't know if I'll be able to stop" he finally admitted, unable to look at her anymore. The last time they'd come close to this it was in her bathroom back in Revello Drive, Sunnydale, and she hadn't exactly welcomed his advances. He hated himself so much for what he'd done to her then, and he was petrified of messing up again.

It took Buffy a moment to catch onto what the problem really was. It had been so long since she'd thought about that awful night, over time she'd distanced the monster she'd seen then, from the real Spike. She'd driven him to madness that year with her incredibly selfish and stupid behaviour. She'd used and abused him in every possible way and yes, he had gone too far, and there was no excuse for it, but it was so different now. They trusted and loved each other, neither of them should be afraid of the violence they possessed inside, they should be certain of their ability to be careful with each other.

"Spike" Buffy whispered, pulling herself up beside him, "look at me" she urged, putting her hand to his face and making him turn, "I don't want you to stop" she told him somewhat shyly, "I trust you and I love you" she promised "All I want is to be close to you"

Carefully she kissed him, hoping he'd respond and just let himself go. She wanted to be with him this way more than anything else in the world right now. She did understand why he was nervous, it was mostly her own doing, but eventually she felt him relax against her as they lay down together once again.

This time there was no stopping. He let her remove his clothes as he in turn undressed her. When they finally came together as one, united in love, it was the most beautiful thing that either of them had ever known, and for once in his existence, Spike wasn't so ashamed of the tears he shed.

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