Summary: William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, "Buffy"-style. Angst! Pain! Death! It's like a Joss script, only not.
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes: It's not my fault! SoulVamp came up with the original idea, Dylan Adams started casting the darn thing, and then I just had to write it. Thanks to the usual suspects for their support of my insanity.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, UPN/WB, and various others all own BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, ANGEL, and anything related to them. Sadly, I don't.

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Romeo Montague: Spike
Montague: The Master
Lady Montague: Darla
Benvolio: Clem
Abraham: Willy the Snitch
Balthasar: Holden Webster
Friar Laurence: Wesley
Friar John: Lorne
Juliet Capulet: Buffy
Lord Capulet: Giles
Lady Capulet: Joyce
Tybalt: Xander
Nurse: Willow
Peter: Tara
Random Capulet: Dawn
Random Capulet: Anya
Sampson: Jonathan
Gregory: Andrew
Prince Escalus: The Mayor
Mercutio: Angelus
Paris: Riley
Musicians: Dingoes Ate My Baby
First Citizen: Principal Snyder

ACT I

PROLOGUE

[CORDELIA enters with a book and begins to read aloud, sounding very bored.]

CORDELIA:
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Sunnydale, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

Civil? Give me a break. Not even. I think that's more than enough of big words and the boring crap. All it's saying is that a couple of people who shouldn't be together are gonna be and it won't end well. There's a shocker.

[aside] Not like the real story doesn't have enough melodrama already.

[Exits]

SCENE I. SUNNYDALE. A PUBLIC PLACE AT NIGHT.

[Enter JONATHAN and ANDREW, of the house of the Scooby Gang, loaded down with boxes of stakes and swords.]

JONATHAN
I don't wanna be just lugging weapons around all the time.

ANDREW
Ah, but we are armed. We're Weapons for Good now.

JONATHAN
It's not like we ever get to fight.

ANDREW
But we could! Say maybe we get jumped by Evil in an alley or something. We could dominate them with these weapons and become like heroes.

JONATHAN
Hey, yeah, and I'd strike real quick, before them knew what hit them!

ANDREW
But, um... You're not fast. That'd be hard.

JONATHAN
Yeah, that's true. And honestly, even a dog of the house of the vampires scares me. Wait, do they have real dogs or hell-hounds?

ANDREW
I'm not sure. I'd have to ask my brother.

JONATHAN
Well, even if they have evil pets, I bet could take them.

ANDREW
It's all an epic battle between The Vampyres and us, The Men. Oh, and The Women, 'cause if Buffy heard me leave that out, she'd beat me up.

JONATHAN
Just give me a chance to fight them. And maybe a spell book wouldn't hurt.

ANDREW
Uh-oh. Here come two from the house of The Vampyre!

JONATHAN
I'm ready for 'em.

ANDREW
No, I think we should run away like usual.

JONATHAN
But we have all these weapons. Won't that sort of intimidate them?

ANDREW
Um, yeah. Sure.

JONATHAN
But if anything happens, they will've started it. Because they're bad guys.

ANDREW
Hey! Maybe if we just make faces at them, they'll go away.

JONATHAN
Good idea! I'll stick out my tongue out at them. They hate that.

[Enter WILLY and HOLDEN]

WILLY
Did you stick your tongue out at us, kid?

JONATHAN
I did stick out my tongue out, mister.

WILLY
But are you sticking your tongue out at us?

JONATHAN
[To ANDREW] Will I get in trouble if I say yes?

ANDREW
Um, Maybe?

JONATHAN
Nope, I did not stick out my tongue out at you, but I did stick out my tongue out.

ANDREW
[with bravado] Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Bartender Guy?

WILLY
Problem? No kid, no problem.

JONATHAN
I'm not a kid! Just, um, vertically challenged. And if you do have a problem with it, then say so, because you work for the bad guys, and I'm a good guy, so we're supposed to fight or something.

WILLY
I'm a bad guy this week? Oh yeah. Eh, I guess so.

JONATHAN
So... do we fight now? I'm not sure how this works.

ANDREW
Be afraid, Evil Ones! We have reinforcements on their way! Um, yeah, lots of them!

JONATHAN
Draw, if you really are the big bad guys. (to Andrew) And you better back me up.

[They fight. Badly.]

[Enter CLEM]

CLEM
Guys? Guys! Calm down wouldja? What's going on here?

[Enter XANDER]

XANDER
What going on out here... Oh great. Like I needed more evil messing up my day. What, not enough demons at the bar tonight, Willy? Hanging with a vampire instead? And most fun of all, Clem's out here too. And I'm guessing this is your fault. Just because you're a demon.

CLEM
Xander, hey, I'm just here trying to keep the peace.

XANDER
Peace? Yeah, right. You're forgetting that I hate all demons and all vampires. Which means I hate you by default. Just for being you. Better defend yourself - this could get ugly.

[They fight. Or more like XANDER swings and CLEM dodges.]

[Enter GILES in his pajamas and JOYCE]

GILES
What in heaven is going on out here?

JOYCE
[to GILES] Is this the sort of thing you need a stake for?

GILES
If the Master or other vampires are involved, then yes. A stake would be quite helpful.

[Enter THE MASTER and DARLA]

MASTER
Rupert Giles. Ah, yes. The thorn in my side appears yet again.

DARLA
I think we're about to get some dinner.

[Everyone glares at each other. Enter MAYOR with Attendants]

MAYOR
Citizens of Sunnydale! Let's calm down, shall we? Put your weapons down, please. I have something to say. Now, I now that you all don't get along, and I respect that, but this just isn't orderly. If you can't find a away to be good neighbors, I'm going to have to kill you all. Do we have an understanding? Excellent.

[Exeunt all but MASTER, DARLA, and CLEM]

MASTER
Who started this? Clem, tell me, how did this happen?

CLEM
Well, y'see, some of their people were fighting with some of our people, and then I came by to try to stop it. Then Xander showed up and thought it was all my fault. And then, well, you saw the rest.

DARLA
Was Spike a part of this? Just curious.

CLEM
I saw him earlier, but he didn't look like he wanted company.

MASTER
Is he depressed again? Who broke up with him this time?

[Enter SPIKE]

CLEM
Here he comes - I'll find out what's wrong if you want.

MASTER
Do that, and tell me only if it's not too tiresome of a story.

[Exeunt MASTER and DARLA]

CLEM
Hey Spike. Wanna go rent a movie or something?

SPIKE
The video store's still open?

CLEM
It's only about nine-ish.

SPIKE
Is that it? God, the night's dragging, in'nit?

CLEM
Uh, yeah, I guess... Why's it dragging?

SPIKE
Nothing's making it short is all.

CLEM
You mean... Lemme guess. You're in love.

SPIKE
Out--

CLEM
Of love?

SPIKE
Out of her favor, where I am in love.

CLEM
Love sucks. It seems cool on paper, but it sucks.

SPIKE
Love and hate. S'all the same. What's that in your eyes, mate? You're laughing, are you? Makin' fun of me?

CLEM
No, actually, I'm getting kinda teary for ya.

SPIKE
And why's that?

CLEM
You're such a decent guy - I mean, for being evil and everything. I feel bad that you're so mega-bummed all the time.

SPIKE
Love is sadness and hate and grief. I need a drink.

CLEM
Can I come?

SPIKE
Oh, sorry. Yeah, might as well.

CLEM
So who is it? This love of yours, I mean.

SPIKE
Just saying her name pierces my heart...

CLEM
Say her name anyway. Bet it'll make you feel better....

SPIKE
She is a black beauty, a goddess, the face of my salvation. But she will not have me.

CLEM
By "have you", you mean...

SPIKE
Yeah. Am I not worth throwing aside a pesky vow for?

CLEM
So it's Drusilla, huh? You know what I think? You should forget all about her.

SPIKE
Yeah, right, and I could forget how to think easier than that.

CLEM
There are other demon fish in the sea, really! Maybe even less cuckoo ones.

SPIKE
But she is perfection. How can I move on when her absence tears me apart? I want her to want me.

CLEM
Look, let me help. There's gotta be something going on that'll help to get your mind off of Drusilla.

[Exeunt]

SCENE II. A STREET.

[Enter GILES, RILEY, and DAWN]

GILES
Regretfully, we cannot take action against the Master or the other vampires. Not tonight. The Mayor forbids it.

RILEY
That's too bad, because that Master guy needs a good smackdown. But, anyway, back to the topic of Buffy... What do you think?

GILES
She's still so young...

RILEY
People her age get married all the time. And I'd take care of her.

GILES
I fear that it is too soon for her... But, if you have her love, and I think you may, then I will support you. I am throwing a party tonight, and you should attend. As, if you do marry Buffy, then you will inherit this house, and you should be present at such an occasion.

[To Dawn, giving her a paper]

Dawn, would you deliver these invitations for me?

[Exeunt GILES and RILEY]

DAWN
Yeah, right, like I could read the names on here. You'd think Giles was a doctor or something.

[Enter CLEM and SPIKE]

CLEM
Just find a new girl to go ga-ga over. You'll feel a ton better.

SPIKE
Got a sling on you?

CLEM
Why?

SPIKE
For when I break your arm

CLEM
Spike, are you mad at me?

SPIKE
There are times I think I have gone mad, but no, not at you.

DAWN
[Approaches SPIKE and CLEM] Um, hi. Sorry to bug you, but... could you help me with something? Can either of you read?

SPIKE
Not that it seems to help my life much at all.

DAWN
Huh? Whatever, depresso-guy. Focus on my problem. Can you read what's on this piece of paper.

SPIKE
If it's one of the languages I know, yeah.

DAWN
Oh, thank god. I was going crazy with this list.

SPIKE
Let me look at that.

[SPIKE reads the list]

This is a mess of people. Where are they all going?

DAWN
Ummmmm.... Up.

SPIKE
Where?

DAWN
Okay, I'm not supposed to tell just anyone, but you're cool, so... To supper; to our house.

SPIKE
Whose house?

DAWN
My family's.

SPIKE
Oh, sorry, should've got that sooner.

DAWN
Hey, if you want, and if you're not a vampire or anything, then come up and party with us. See you later!

[Exit]

CLEM
Hey, party at the Summers' house with the Scooby Gang. And your Drusilla is gonna be there too. Which for some reason seems really weird. But anyway, there'll be lots of girls there, and I bet when you compare them to Drusilla, she won't look so perfect anymore.

SPIKE
There is no one as perfectly evil as my Drusilla!

CLEM
Aw, c'mon, you game?

SPIKE
Fine, I'll go. But I won't have a good time.

[Exeunt]

SCENE III. A ROOM IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.

[Enter JOYCE and WILLOW]

JOYCE
Willow, where's Buffy? Could you help me find her?

WILLOW
She said she'd be home...

[Enter BUFFY]

BUFFY
Is everything okay?

JOYCE
Willow, will you give us a few minutes?

WILLOW
Sure, not a problem at all! I could give you more than a few minutes, too. Is this one of those big mother-daughter moments? The kind you wish you had a way to record them so you could remember them forever and...

JOYCE
Willow, please!

WILLOW
Sorry. Go ahead.

JOYCE
So, Buffy, have you ever given any thought to getting married?

BUFFY
Um... Not usually.

JOYCE
Well, think about it. Because that nice boy Riley seeks your hand in marriage.

WILLOW
Riley? Really? Wow!

JOYCE
He's quite a catch.

WILLOW
He's a total sweetie!

JOYCE
What do you think of him? I've invited him to the dinner party tonight. Will you give him a chance?

BUFFY
Sure, since you're big with liking him. I don't not like him. He seems nice and dependable.

[Enter DAWN]

DAWN
Mom, help! The guests are starting to get here, and everyone's totally stressing out.

JOYCE
I'm sure it's fine, but I'll follow you down there.

[Exit DAWN]

Buffy, do think about this, would you. I think he would be really good for you.

[Exeunt]

SCENE IV. A STREET.

[Enter SPIKE, ANGELUS, CLEM, all wearing masks.]

SPIKE
We have a plan, then?

CLEM
This'll be like taking Bugles from babies. Nobody'll know who we are. We'll check it out, party and leave.

SPIKE
[Dodging torch that CLEM is waving around] Careful! You're going to set me on fire with that torch. Here, I'll carry it.

ANGELUS
Gotta say that it might be fun to watch you dance if that happens.

SPIKE
Not going to happen.

ANGELUS
C'mon, loverboy. Maybe Dru would pay attention to you if you put on a little show for her.

SPIKE
I notice that I'm not laughing.

ANGELUS
Where's your sense of humor, Spike?

CLEM
We're here, hey, somebody knock so we can boogie.

SPIKE
I don't think this was the best notion.

ANGELUS
What's your problem now?

SPIKE
I had this dream...

ANGELUS
Big whoop. So did I. Have 'em all the time.

SPIKE
What was yours?

ANGELUS
My prophetic dream told me... That dreamers say they dreamed whatever they feel like saying they dreamed.

SPIKE
Bollocks. True dreams don't steer you wrong.

ANGELUS
Unless it's a Mab demon who came to visit. You know the type: sort of small, spiders' legs, grasshopper wings, bone whip, likes to wear worms? Makes you see all sorts of wacko stuff that isn't true.

SPIKE
You're just talking to hear yourself talk again, aren't you?

ANGELUS
Get over it, Spike. It was dream. Unless you've got some link to The Powers we don't know about, it means zilch.

CLEM
Uh, guys? If we keep babbling out here, we're gonna miss dinner.

SPIKE
I have a bad feeling about this. God, that line's never going to be useful again either, is it?

CLEM
Nope. Oh well. Let's party!

[Exeunt]

SCENE V. A HALL IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.

[The band waits. Enter DAWN and ANYA]

DAWN
Um, where are the catering people? These dishes out here are disgusting.

ANYA
It's getting pretty rank in here.

DAWN
We have to get this stuff out. More guests are coming in.

ANYA
This isn't fun. I should be having fun at a party. But it's all work, and I'm not getting paid for any of it.

DAWN
I think they were looking for you in the other room, actually.

ANYA
We can't be everywhere! Didn't we hire people to do this tasks?

[Enter GILES, with BUFFY and others of the Scooby Gang, all in masks.]

GILES
Welcome, everyone! Thank you for coming. Please, do eat, drink, and make merry. It is a pleasure to be your host on this night.

[Dingoes Ate My Baby begin first song, crowd begins to boogie]

[SPIKE notices BUFFY nearby with XANDER and stares, then approaches DAWN]

SPIKE
[To Dawn] Thanks for the invite. Now, since I helped you, you better help me. Who's the girl with the guy in the pirate costume over there?

DAWN
[eyeroll] She's in a mask, how should I know?

SPIKE
Even with the mask... she is The One. I can feel it. She is beauty, like a jewel in the night. I am not worthy of a creature such as she. Did I ever love before? Not truly, for now I know true perfection.

XANDER
[overhearing SPIKE from nearby as BUFFY moves away] Wait - that sounds like a vampire. The party-crashing kind. Somebody got a stake handy? He needs to be killed deader than he already is.

GILES
Xander, is everything alright?

XANDER
Nowhere close. Giles, there's a vampire here. And I think it's the one with a peroxide addiction.

GILES
Spike, is it?

XANDER
The one and only, and the constant pain in my ass. That guy bugs me.

GILES
He can't do any harm here. There are plenty of people around. He wouldn't dare.

XANDER
I'm not just gonna stand here while he parties!

GILES
You must, due to the Mayor's decree. In addition, this is my house, and I won't have you spoiling the whole party.

XANDER
Giles, what are you thinking? Not only are you not the watcher of me, but he's a vampire!

GILES
Xander, I have no time for this. No action can be taken. That is the law. If you can't deal with his presence, then you should leave this place immediately.

XANDER
Okay, fine, I'll leave. But I'll be saying "I told you so" in no time.

[Exit]

SPIKE
[approaches BUFFY] Pardon me, but I would be honored to greet you by kissing your hand. It's forward, yeah, since we haven't met really, and I'll understand if you don't think my hand is worthy.

BUFFY
Uh... hi. So, question. Why are you so down on your hand? It looks like a perfectly good hand. And thank you for asking first. And it's not like kissing hands is a bad thing. I mean, pilgrims do that to saints. Which, when you think about it, is kinda weird.

SPIKE
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

BUFFY
What's a palmer? But saints... um... Yes, I guess that's true, but they usually use them for praying.

SPIKE
Then please, let me kiss your hand, as saints do.

BUFFY
But saints don't do much. They're statues. They just stand there in robes that do nothing for their figures.

SPIKE
You don't need to move, luv. I just want to kiss you.

BUFFY
I have to say that I think I'm convinced. And you're not even shirtless. You may kiss me

SPIKE
Don't have to tell me twice. Unless I may kiss you again?

BUFFY
You may. Since you asked so nicely.

WILLOW
I, uh... sorry to interrupt, but your mom's looking for you.

[BUFFY exeunt]

SPIKE
Who's her mother? If you don't mind me asking.

WILLOW
Her mom's name is Joyce. Joyce Summers. She lives here, and she's really neat.

SPIKE
She's a Summers?!? Bloody hell...

CLEM
[Overhearing] Uh, I think we'd better go.

SPIKE
Damn it. This can't be happening.

GILES
Leaving so soon, my unknown guests? Do you not like my party, then? Very well, enjoy your evening.

[Exeunt all but BUFFY and WILLOW]

BUFFY
Willow, c'mere. Who is that guy?

WILLOW
Isn't that Larry?

BUFFY
No, not him. Him!

WILLOW
I think that's Michael.

BUFFY
Not him either. The guy behind him. The one that wouldn't dance?

WILLOW
I'm sure it's nobody you need to know, Buffy.

BUFFY
Does he have a girlfriend?

WILLOW
I don't know. But actually, I think that might be Spike. And he's a vampire! You know, the kind you slay?

BUFFY
He's a WHAT?!? Damn it! My only love sprung from my only hate. What is this, karma?

WILLOW
Huh?

BUFFY
I'm just doomed.

[Someone calls from within 'Buffy!']

WILLOW
Coming! Come on, we've gotta go, and almost everybody's left anyway...

[Exeunt]

ACT II

PROLOGUE

[Enter CORDELIA]

CORDELIA
If you fell asleep during any of that, all you really missed is that Buffy and Spike just met and are now feeling all lusty towards each other. And the vampire-getting-groiny-with-a-slayer thing never ends well. Believe me, I know.

Just watch it already.

[Exit]

SCENE I. THE ALLEY BY THE WALL OF THE SUMMERS' BACKYARD.

[Enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
The hell with it. I'm not leaving.

[He climbs the wall, and leaps down into the backyard]

[Enter CLEM and ANGELUS]

CLEM
Spike!

ANGELUS
What an idiot.

CLEM
I think he jumped over the wall.

ANGELUS
I'll make him show his face. (yells) Hey, Spike! The Great Loverboy! Get your whiny, moany ass back out here. Or are you too "in love" again? (to CLEM) The idiot's not listening, is he? New tactic. (yells) I might have to go after that Drusilla now myself. I mean, those eyes, those lips lip, those legs. She's just quivering for me.

CLEM
Y'know, if he hears you, he's gonna get real mad.

ANGELUS
Nah, it's just to get his attention.

CLEM
He's hiding on purpose. It's a love thing.

ANGELUS
I'm getting real sick of him doing this. It's not like any of these "loves" of his ever work out. [yells] Spike, we're outta here. I'd be cold if I wasn't already dead, and I'm just bored. [to CLEM] You ready?

CLEM

Yeah, if he doesn't want to be found, he's not gonna be.

[Exeunt]

SCENE II. THE SUMMERS' BACKYARD.

[Enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
Angelus doesn't know what true love is.

[BUFFY appears above at a window]

I see her! At the window! Buffy is like the sun, the sight of her burns me so. She outshines the moon in her glory. If only she knew... She speaks, but not of me. Her eyes shine like the stars, and her skin looks so soft. If only I could touch her, just once.

BUFFY
Poor me.

SPIKE
She speaks! Don't stop, my angel... er, poor choice of words there. Speak again, love, and I'll bask in the sound of your voice.

BUFFY
Oh Spike, why do you have to be a vampire? This sucks. I wish you'd leave the Master and stop killing people. Or maybe I should stop being a superhero and we could run off together.

SPIKE
[Aside] Well now, this sounds interesting.

BUFFY
It's just that you're a vampire, but that isn't all you are, right? I mean, what's a vampire, anyway? The hand, foot, arm, face, all of that belonged to a man. Can't you be something else? We can just call you something else, and just as long as you don't do anything evil, it'd all be fine. And if he's not actually called a vampire, then the vampire slayer that's me wouldn't have to slay him. Then we'd be okay...

SPIKE
[To BUFFY] If you mean it, if you love me, then I can be a good man. I swear it!

BUFFY
HUH?!? Who are you? Why are you spying on me?

SPIKE
I don't know how to tell you my name, because I'm your enemy. I wish it wasn't like this.

BUFFY
Wait. I know that voice. Aren't you Spike, and a vampire?

SPIKE
Neither, luv, if you don't like me being who I am.

BUFFY
How'd you get in here? And why? The walls are really high. Plus, if the gang sees you, this will stop being the covert-y fun it is.

SPIKE
Getting over the walls was easy, pet. I'm a vampire, remember? We can do things like that.

BUFFY
If they see you, they'll stake you.

SPIKE
The look in your eye is far more dangerous than twenty of their stakes. If it is kind, I'll be safe.

BUFFY
I'd sort of rather they didn't see you.

SPIKE
It's dark, and they're just humans. Mortals couldn't see me here. But if you don't love me, let them come. I'd rather die than continue my existence without you.

BUFFY
How did you find me?

SPIKE
I'd find you anywhere, pet.

BUFFY
Good thing you can't see my, because I'm sort of blushing. I can't believe that you overheard me... But the cat's full on out of the bag now. I know it's beyond sudden, but... Do you love me? I know you'll say yes, and I'll believe you, but if you keep swearing about all this, I won't, because I'll think you were just leading me on. Or maybe you think I'm too easy? I'm so not. But I've fallen for you, vampire that you are. And this so isn't a joke. You overheard me before I knew you were hiding out there in the dark.

SPIKE
Buffy, I swear by the moon...

BUFFY
Don't swear by the moon... I mean, there's the whole werewolf issue. Not a good thing to use.

SPIKE
What shall I swear by?

BUFFY
Why even swear? Okay, if you have to, just swear by yourself. That'll be enough to convince me.

SPIKE
If my heart's dear love--

BUFFY
Or just forget the swearing. I'm a little freaked, actually. It's all so sudden. I think I need to process this a little. Good night!

SPIKE
Oh, fine. Tease.

BUFFY
Excuse me? Tease? What were you expecting?

SPIKE
Tell me you love me.

BUFFY
Were you paying even a little attention? I said it before you even asked. And I'd say it again.

[WILLOW calls from within]

Uh-oh, there's Willow. I have to go. [calls inside] Coming, Willow! [to SPIKE] Wait, I'll be right back.

[Exit, above]

SPIKE
This'd better not be a dream.

[Re-enter BUFFY, above]

BUFFY
I just have a minute. Spike, if you mean this, I'll send word tomorrow. I will marry you. Just tell me when and where. I'll marry you, give you everything I have, and follow you forever. Except when I need a tan. Then you're on your own.

WILLOW
[Within] Buffy!

BUFFY
But if this is a joke, you're in for a world of pain.

SPIKE
It isn't! This is real, Buffy.

BUFFY
Good night!

[Exit, above]

SPIKE
I'm drowning in her already.

[SPIKE begins to leave]

[Re-enter BUFFY, above]

BUFFY
Spike!

SPIKE
Yes, luv?

BUFFY
Wait, now I can't remember why I called you back.

SPIKE
I'll just stand around down here until you remember. Got a pack of smokes here somewhere.

BUFFY
It's almost morning; you should probably go. Saying goodbye really sucks. But it'll be morning before I end up saying good night.

[Exit above]

SPIKE
Good night, luv. Now, I have to recruit a little wedding help.

[Exit]

SCENE III. WESLEY'S APARTMENT.

[Enter WESLEY, with a grocery bag. ]

WESLEY
What a lovely morning! The sun is up and looking glorious, and I have more than enough amount of supplies for the day's work.

[Enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
'Morning, Percy.

WESLEY
You're up and about early. Or is it that that have not yet been home today?

SPIKE
That last is true, but I had a very good night.

WESLEY
You don't say! Were you with Drusilla?

SPIKE
Drusilla? She's forgotten, mate. History. I've moved on.

WESLEY
Who, then?

SPIKE
Truth is, I've been feasting with the enemy instead of on them. Slayers and the like. One has pieced my heart, and I hers, and you're the guy who's gonna help me out.

WESLEY
I don't quite understand what you're getting at.

SPIKE
I'm in love with the slayer. There, I said it. And her with me. I need to marry her, now, today. Will you do it?

WESLEY
But what about Drusilla? I don't understand how you can forsake her so easily. God man, you cried for days over her! If you were asking this for you and Drusilla, I'd certainly understand, but...

SPIKE
You never approved of my love for Drusilla.

WESLEY
Well, she is insane.

SPIKE
And you told me to not love her.

WESLEY
Yes, but I didn't expect you to just trade for the next model. Not right away.

SPIKE
Don't mock this! Drusilla wouldn't love me. Buffy does.

WESLEY
Fine. Against my better judgement about the match between the two of you, I will help you. In fact, I believe that this alliance may help to end the malice between the two households.

SPIKE
Come on, then!

WESLEY
But I do recommend caution, as too much haste may prove your undoing.

[Exeunt]

SCENE IV. A STREET.

[Enter CLEM and ANGELUS]

ANGELUS
Where the hell is Spike? Tell me he came home last night?

CLEM
Not according to the word on the street, nope..

ANGELUS
Bet he finally got some with Drusilla. Either that, or he finally went insane.

CLEM
But did you hear? Xander Harris challenged the household of the Master!

ANGELUS
A challenge? Xander challenged us?

CLEM
Spike'll answer it.

ANGELUS
Any of us could answer it.

CLEM
But he'd want to do it.

ANGELUS
Not a chance. He's already a lovesick puppy, and now he's supposed to fight Xander?

CLEM
Is Xander any good?

ANGELUS
Is he good? You haven't heard of the White Knight? Defender of Summers' honor? No, really, although for some reason it really bothers me to say it. We're talking smooth as one of Lorne's songs, here. I mean, his moves! The Immortal Passado! The Punto Reverso! The Hai!

CLEM
Huh?

ANGELUS
Yeah, he's pretty good.

[Enter SPIKE]

CLEM
Here he comes!

ANGELUS
Howdy, Spike. Nice of you to grace us with your presence.

SPIKE
That's a helluva greeting to walk into. What's the problem this time?

ANGELUS
Basically, you skipping out on us.

SPIKE
A man's got things to do.

ANGELUS
More like a girl to do.

SPIKE
Is that your business?

ANGELUS
C'mon, Spike, you're really no fun anymore.

SPIKE
Sorry, peaches, but I'll laugh when it's funny.

ANGELUS
Clem, back me up here.

CLEM
Sorry, dude. I'm always up for a joke, but...

[Enter WILLOW and TARA]

WILLOW
Hello, gentlemen.

ANGELUS
And a big good day to you, sweet cheeks.

WILLOW
Is it good day?

ANGELUS
I can make it better...

WILLOW
Huh? What kind of a man are you?!?

SPIKE
A very flawed one.

WILLOW
Uh, okaaaay. Moving on now. Do any of you know where I can find Spike?

SPIKE
Who's asking?

WILLOW
It's you, isn't it? I knew it! We have to talk.

CLEM
[to ANGELUS] Dinner invitation, or will she actually be dinner?

ANGELUS
[to CLEM] Spike's makin' the rounds!

SPIKE
[ignoring both] I'll follow you.

ANGELUS
Have fun, kids!

[Singing] Oh Willow, you came and you gave without taking...

[Exeunt ANGELUS and CLEM]

WILLOW
Who was that jerk with the bad taste in music?

SPIKE
A vampire that loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he'll stand to listen in a month.

WILLOW
He'd better be careful. If he's putting me down or doing anything slander-like, I could totally take him out.

TARA
You'd be completely justified if you did.

WILLOW
Ooh, he makes me mad. Okay, sorry, that's not what I'm here for. Calming down now. Buffy sent me here, but before I say what she said, I need to warn you that if you didn't mean what you said to her, then you're a big poo-head and I'll get very cranky.

SPIKE
No, honestly, I did mean it, and tell her---

WILLOW
Okay then, I'll tell her.

SPIKE
Tell her what? You didn't give me a chance to say it all.

WILLOW
I'll tell her you protested. That's plenty.

SPIKE
But also, you have to tell her to come meet me tonight at Wesley's apartment. We are to be married there tonight.

WILLOW
Married? Tonight? Goodness! Okay, I'll tell her. But then there's Riley. He's really hoping to marry her, and her family has approved the suit. I guess all the boys always want her.

SPIKE
Forget the rest of the lot who want her. Are you going to commend me to Buffy?

WILLOW
Yes, I'll do it.

[Exeunt]

SCENE V. SUMMERS' BACKYARD.

[Enter BUFFY]

BUFFY
It's been three hours. Where's Willow? It shouldn't be taking this long. Maybe she couldn't meet him. Oh, wait she's here! Finally!

[Enter WILLOW and TARA]

What happened? Tell me! Did you see him? What did he say?

WILLOW
Tara, could you give us a second?

[Exit TARA]

BUFFY
Willow, tell me, what happened? You don't have a happy face on. Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it. It's okay, I can take it. I knew I was doomed.

WILLOW
No, really, it's fine, I'm just tired. That took forever.

BUFFY
I'm really sorry to make you do that for me. But what did he say??

WILLOW
Well, for a vampire, he seems honest and courteous and kind and --Where's your mom?

BUFFY
Inside, but what does that have to do with how wonderful Spike is?

WILLOW
Can you sneak out?

BUFFY
Of course! That's what windows are for. Years of practice.

WILLOW
Then get over to Wesley's apartment. Spike's waiting there to marry you. I'll cover for you here. Go! Hurry!

BUFFY
Thank you, Willow! You're the best!

[Exeunt]

SCENE VI. WESLEY'S APARTMENT.

[Enter WESLEY and SPIKE]

WESLEY
There are good portents about your upcoming nuptials. That's something, anyway.

SPIKE
The slayer will be mine soon. Portents be damned, today is the closest to perfect we're gonna get.

WESLEY
But I must ask again - you don't think that you're rushing things just a bit? My god, man, you've only just met the girl!

[Enter BUFFY]

She's here. And looks as certain as you. I hope that neither of you are making a mistake this night.

BUFFY
Wesley, thank you so much for doing this for us..

WESLEY
Certainly, and Spike has done more than his share of thanking already.

BUFFY
I think "We can't thank you enough" is totally appropriate here.

WESLEY
Come with me. I think a wedding is on your agenda, is it not?

[Exeunt]

ACT III

SCENE I. OUTSIDE OF THE BRONZE.

[Enter ANGELUS and CLEM]

CLEM
Angelus, let's get out of here. It's hot, and the Scooby gang is everywhere we turn. Even with the Mayor's decree, there's gonna be a fight, I just know it.

ANGELUS
I wouldn't mind a good fight.

CLEM
If I liked to fight as much as you, I'd be dead by now. Wait, look, there's one of them now!

ANGELUS
Ooh, I'm soooo scared!.

[Enter XANDER with ANDREW and JONATHAN]

XANDER
Give me a second to talk to them. [to ANGELUS and CLEM] Guys, we gotta talk.

ANGELUS
Talk or fight? Because fighting sounds so much more fun right now.

XANDER
You want a fight? Just give me a reason.

ANGELUS
Do we really need one?

XANDER
Look, Angelus, about your crony Spike--

ANGELUS
Crony? Who says crony anymore?

CLEM
Y'know, guys, do we have to be doing this in public?

ANGELUS
Let people look. I've got nothing to hide.

[Enter SPIKE]

XANDER
Not looking to fight you, Angelus. Not today, anyway. Here's the undead guy I need to talk to.

ANGELUS
I'm crushed.

XANDER
Spike, bottom line. I don't like you. You're a vampire.

SPIKE
I'm not ever going to be a fan of yours, mate, but the way things now are, we have to get along a little better. I'm not your enemy anymore. But you're too thick-headed to see that, so I'll go.

XANDER
Hey, peroxide boy, you're not getting out of this so easy. You crashed our party. You have to answer for that.

SPIKE
That's a big crime? It didn't hurt anyone. But we aren't on opposite sides anymore. You'll know why soon enough. Just be satisfied with that.

ANGELUS
Spike, what is up with you and all the pansy-ness? I can't listen to this.

[Draws his sword.]

Xander, time for that fight you wanted. But with me.

XANDER
You've got to be kidding me.

ANGELUS
What, you chicken? Don't want to fight someone itching for it? I dare you.

XANDER
Bring it on.

Draws a sword and takes a stake out of his pocket.

SPIKE
Angelus, what the hell are you playing at?

ANGELUS
This'll be cake.

[They fight]

SPIKE
Stop! Have you both gone completely insane? Xander, Angelus, the Mayor outlawed fighting in Sunnydale streets!

[XANDER, under SPIKE's arm, stakes ANGELUS, and escapes, with ANDREWW and JONATHAN following him.]

ANGELUS
Damn. [turns to dust]

SPIKE
I could have stopped this. And I forgot my coat, never helpful. The day has gone black and cold, thanks to the actions of that wanker Xander Harris.

CLEM
Uh-oh, Xander's coming back again.

SPIKE
Xander's alive, and Angelus is dust. I must have my revenge. Not that I liked the great poof all that much, but it's the principle of the thing.

[Re-enter XANDER]

Angelus is gone, and now you and I have a score to settle.

XANDER
Over him? Hey, he started it. But I have no problem with dusting you if you're looking for it too. You game?

SPIKE
You think you can best me? We'll see about that.

[They fight; SPIKE stabs XANDER]

CLEM
Oh my god! You killed Xander! The Mayor's gonna eat you for that. Run! Get out of here!

SPIKE
That wasn't too bright, was it?

CLEM
Hello? RUN!

[Exit SPIKE]

[Enter Citizens]

PRINCIPAL SNYDER
Which way did he go? Where is Alexander Harris?

CLEM
There lies Xander.

PRINCIPAL SNYDER
Get up, demon. We need to talk. Time to be questioned, in the name of the Mayor.

[Enter MAYOR, attended by THE MASTER, GILES, and others]

MAYOR
Where are the vile beginners of this fray?

CLEM
Mayor, I saw it all. Xander dusted Angelus, and then Spike killed Xander.

MAYOR
Clem, who started it?

CLEM
When Xander and Angelus fought, Spike tried to stop them, but Xander got a cheap shot in while Angelus was distracted. Spike swore revenge and then killed Xander. It wasn't pretty.

JOYCE
Don't believe him! He's with them! Xander is dead, and somebody must pay for it! I'll start a coalition if I have to!

MAYOR
Spike slew him, he slew Angelus. So who gets to pay for all this? Not the taxpayers, I'm telling you that.

MASTER
Not Spike, Mayor. He was Angelus's friend.... Well, sort of. His only mistake was killing the human.

MAYOR
I'm feeling merciful today, so I'm just going to exile Spike. That should do just fine. Now, who's up for a round of miniature golf?

[Exeunt]

SCENE II. SUMMERS' BACKYARD.

[Enter BUFFY]

BUFFY
This day is taking forever. Why won't the sun move across the sky faster? Spike and I are married, but we couldn't DO anything about it. I've been waiting hours for him now. I hate waiting. Oh! Here comes Willow, maybe she has some news.

[Enter WILLOW]

Willow, what's going on? What's wrong?

WILLOW
He's dead! Buffy, he's dead! Gone! Forever!

BUFFY
What? No! Am I never going to be allowed to be happy?

WILLOW
I never thought that Spike...

BUFFY
Spike? Was he killed? Did he stake himself by accident? What happened? Tell me!!!

WILLOW
I saw him... it was just awful! Buffy, all that blood....

BUFFY
Spike... he's gone. Have I mentioned that my love life is totally doomed? Wait a minute... blood? Don't you mean dust?

WILLOW
Xander, my best friend... I never thought I'd live to see him dead! I'll never see him again!

BUFFY
Xander? but I thought... Wait, Spike AND Xander are dead? No! Please, no! Could today get any worse?

WILLOW
Xander, he... he's gone. And Spike banished. Spike, he killed him, and he's banished.

BUFFY
Oh god! Spike killed Xander?

WILLOW
He did! Buffy, it's horrible!

BUFFY
No... he looked so beautiful with those abs and those cheekbones, but he's still evil. How could I not know he was still evil?

WILLOW
Men! It's not just that he's a vampire, all men have this kind of horribleness in them. Spike is just extra-horrible.

BUFFY
How can you say that? There must be good in him. I can feel it.

WILLOW
But you're talking about the vampire that killed Xander!

BUFFY
But I married him today! I can't say bad things about him! It's way too early for that. But why did he kill Xander? I don't understand! My husband lives, and Xander would've killed him. And Xander's dead, but he would've slayed my Spike. I guess the fact that the person who would've killed my husband is gone is sort of a silver lining. But... banished... Xander's death is awful enough, but my misery's got a lot of company. 'Spike is banished,' and now I'm really depressed. Where's my mom? Where's Giles?

WILLOW
Weeping over Xander's body, just like I should be, and you too. They need you, Buffy.

BUFFY
I don't have enough tears for both Xander's death and Spike's banishment. Plus, I think I'm a little conflicted about all this. And y'know what's the worst? With Spike exiled, my wedding night is a total letdown.

WILLOW
Um... I sort of know where he is. He's hiding out at Wesley's place.

BUFFY
Here! Give him this ring, and tell him he has to see me before he leaves Sunnydale forever and ever. Thank you!

[Exeunt]

SCENE III. WESLEY'S APARTMENT.

[Enter WESLEY]

WESLEY
Spike, where are you? We must speak, your situation is dire.

[Enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
What did the Mayor say? Am I to die, then?

WESLEY
No, he was quite merciful, considering. You are banished.

SPIKE
Banished? Better to put a stake through my heart.

WESLEY
You are only banished from Sunnydale, and the world is vast.

SPIKE
Outside of Sunnydale, there is no world.

WESLEY
This is merciful! Can't you see that? You escape the hellmouth and are allowed continue your existence in peace.

SPIKE
Without Buffy, I have no existence. I'd rather become a ghost than leave her presence. How can you say that exile isn't death?

WESLEY
Spike, listen to me...

SPIKE
I won't hear of more talk about the glories of banishment. I won't.

WESLEY
This is madness! Why won't you listen?

SPIKE
Don't you see what this sort of talk does to a man?

WESLEY
Let's discuss this logically...

SPIKE
You just don't get it, mate. You can't understand my love for the slayer. But I'm married an hour, and I murder my love's friend Xander. Not that I cared about him, you understand, but I care that she cared. I should be dead.

[Knocking]

WESLEY
Someone's here. Spike, hide yourself.

SPIKE
I won't. I don't care anymore.

[Knocking]

WESLEY
I don't think they are giving up. Who's there? Spike, please get up, you'll be arrested for certain. Go to my study, I will fetch you from there when the coast is clear.

[Knocking. SPIKE doesn't move.]

[WESLEY sighs.] Who is it?

WILLOW
Just let me in! I have a message from Buffy.

WESLEY
Come in! Welcome, then.

[Enter WILLOW]

WILLOW
Please, where's Spike?

WESLEY
Here. Unsurprisingly, wallowing in misery..

WILLOW
Him too? That's what Buffy's been doing ever since she heard, blubbering over his banishment. Stand up, mister, and be a man... er, a vampire. Falling apart isn't going to help, y'know.

SPIKE
Buffy! How is she? Does she see me as a murderer? Does she still love me?

WILLOW
When I left, she was crying. For Xander, then for you, and then sometimes I'm not sure for who.

SPIKE
Xander. That name. I killed her friend. Does she curse me, then. I can't bear the guilt of hurting her.

WESLEY
This is unseemly! Are you not a man? Well, true, you're not a man, but that is completely beside the point. Yes, you killed Xander. Are you going to kill yourself, too? While still being in reach of love? Buffy is still alive. You still walk the earth, and you were not slain by Xander's hand or the Mayor's sentence. Don't you see? The Powers That Be smile upon you! But all you do is sulk about it. Go to Buffy, comfort her, then go to Los Angeles and await a time when you can reconcile with the Mayor and return. That is far better than death, you must admit. Willow, go to Buffy, tell her of our plan and that Spike will come to her.

WILLOW
That's a great idea! Yes, I'll go tell Buffy right now.

SPIKE
And tell her I'll be there as soon as I can.

WILLOW
Wait, before I go, she told me to give you this ring. It's a whole symbolism thing. I'd better hurry!

[Exit]

SPIKE
Well now, this is a right bit better than staking myself.

WESLEY
Indeed. Now go, hurry, but be out of the city by dawn so the Mayor's lackeys don't find you. Send word once you are in Los Angeles; I'll let know know when circumstances favor your return.

SPIKE
That I will, mate, and thanks.

[Exeunt]

SCENE IV. A ROOM IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.

[Enter GILES, JOYCE, and RILEY]

GILES
I'm sorry, Riley, but we all that has happened, we have not been able to make the arrangements. Buffy loved her friend Xander dearly. And so did I. Well, we were born to die. It is what separates us from the vampires we despise. But it is very late, she'll not come down tonight.

RILEY
I understand. Times like these are not the best for wedding talk. Please tell Buffy I stopped by.

JOYCE
I will, and I'll speak with her again tomorrow about this. Tonight, she is too wrapped in her grief. As are we all.

GILES
Riley, I think that she will honor my wishes in this matter. But come back in a few days, after we have had time to begin to grieve for Xander. I will speak to her of your love.

RILEY
Then I'll definitely be back in a few days

GILES
I will see you then. Joyce, as her mother, please prepare her for this. I hope it will bring her some measure of happiness in these terrible times.

[Exeunt]

SCENE V. THE SUMMERS' BACKYARD

[Enter SPIKE and BUFFY above, at the window]

BUFFY
Do you have to go? It isn't dawn yet.

SPIKE
The sun is coming, I can feel it. I either go and live, or stay and die. Not much of a choice, is it?

BUFFY
It can't be daylight yet. I'm not ready for you to go to Los Angeles:

SPIKE
Then I stay and am put to death, luv. But if you'd rather have it that way... Come, death, and welcome! Buffy says so.

BUFFY
No! Literal, much? But I think you're right, sunrise is coming.

SPIKE
I hate sunlight a helluva lot more than usual today.

Enter WILLOW]

WILLOW
Buffy!

BUFFY
Willow?

WILLOW
You're mom's coming, and it's almost daylight. Just be careful, okay?.

[Exit]

BUFFY
You'd better leave through the window.

SPIKE
Kiss me, my love, and I'll go.

[He goeth down. Not sure how that differs from "He descends," but we'll go with it.]

BUFFY
Call me!

SPIKE
Daily, pet.

BUFFY
Please tell me that we'll meet again.

SPIKE
Nothing will stop me from returning to you.

BUFFY
Huh. You look so much more dead than usual. It must be the light.

SPIKE
You have a bit of a death-look about you too, love, but the light plays tricks. I will come for you. I promise.

[Exit]

BUFFY
Y'know it would be nice to be lucky in love for once in my life and get him back. Uh-oh, I hope I didn't just jinx myself.

JOYCE
Buffy? You awake?

BUFFY
Mom?

[Enter JOYCE]

JOYCE
Good morning, Buffy!

BUFFY
Hi, Mom. Sorry, but I feel sort of sick today.

JOYCE
You're grieving for Xander. It's understandable. You should. It shows that you loved him. Feel the loss, but be glad you had the friend who you weep for.

BUFFY
All I feel is loss.

JOYCE
Grieve for him, but also weep about the vampire that murdered him.

BUFFY
Which vampire?

JOYCE
Spike.

BUFFY
[Aside] I can't be angry at Spike for this. I can't. I'm still so conflicted.

JOYCE
That is, because the traitor murderer lives.

BUFFY
[Weakly] If only I could, um, avenge Xander's death...

JOYCE
Don't worry, it's taken care of. We are sending a man to Los Angeles, and soon he'll get what he has coming to him. Will that make you feel better?

BUFFY
I won't be satisfied until this murderer gets what he deserves. And stuff.

JOYCE
Good, that's settled. Now, I have happy news.

BUFFY
I could really use some happy news. What is it?

JOYCE
Giles and I have discussed this at length, and we think a day of joy is just what you need.

BUFFY
Uh... Day of joy? Could you vague that up for me a little?

JOYCE
Why, get married! Riley Finn is willing to marry you this week. Isn't that wonderful?

BUFFY
Riley? No! I can't! First of all, setting this up for me? SO Middle Ages. And second, I don't love Riley. I love...

JOYCE
What? I don't understand?

[Enter GILES and WILLOW]

GILES
Good morning, Buffy. I'm sorry to bring this topic up at such a time. I grieve for Xander as well. But Riley wishes your hand, and marrying him will be good for us all.

JOYCE
She won't listen. She's being stubborn.

GILES
What? Isn't she grateful that Riley wishes to be her husband?

BUFFY
Thank you for setting this up, but I can't marry Riley. I just don't love him.

GILES
You say thank you but you decline? I don't understand this. You will marry Riley this very week!

BUFFY
Giles, listen to me...

GILES
I will not! You must respect my wishes in this matter.

WILLOW
Giles! How can you talk like that to her?

GILES
Willow, please, stay out of this.

WILLOW
What did I say that was wrong?

GILES
You aren't a part of this.

JOYCE
Giles, you're getting angry.

GILES
Yes, I am angry. I have promised her hand to Riley, and by the Council, it will be done whether she wishes it or not!

[Exit]

BUFFY
My life sucks. Better that I was buried next to Xander. Mom, you understand me, right? You know I can't do this!

JOYCE
I can't talk to you right now about this

[Exit]

BUFFY
Oh God!-- Willow, how can we stop this? I already have a husband!

WILLOW
If you really want my opinion? Marry Riley. He'll make you happy. Spike was dead even before he was banished, and there is that whole "he's an evil vampire" issue.. Your life will be happier without him.

BUFFY
Wow, Wil. Is that what you really think?

WILLOW
I'm afraid so. That, or maybe you should stay away from both of them.

BUFFY
Hey, yeah!

WILLOW
Hey yeah what?

BUFFY
You're so right! Tell Mom I went to ask forgiveness, since I made her so mad.

WILLOW
Thank goodness! Okay, I will, and Buffy? You're doing the right thing.

[Exit]

BUFFY
My life so beyond sucks. But if Willow won't help me, maybe Wesley will.

[Exit]

ACT IV

SCENE I. WESLEY'S APARTMENT.

[Enter WESLEY and RILEY]

WESLEY
You too? Pardon, I mean... On Thursday? So soon?

RILEY
It's all Giles's idea. I'm not saying I mind, though.

WESLEY
But you don't yet know if she will marry you? I'm not certain if this is a good idea.

RILEY
She grieves for Xander, so right now isn't a good time for me personally to talk about love and marriage. Giles hopes that a wedding will lessen her pain a little. That's really the only reason he asked to hurry this up.

WESLEY
[Aside] I wish I could slow this down.

[To RILEY] Wait look, here's Buffy now.

[Enter BUFFY]

RILEY
Buffy! My fiance! Soon to be my wife!

BUFFY
Um, yeah, sure. Soon. Right.

RILEY
Really soon. Thursday, according to Giles.

BUFFY
Right. Nifty.

RILEY
And you're here to talk to Wesley about the wedding, right?

BUFFY
Riley... there's something I have to tell you....

RILEY
Buffy, you've been crying. I know things have been bad for you lately. I'm here for you.

BUFFY
There's more that's wrong than just the tears.

RILEY
Don't put yourself down, Buffy. We all understand.

BUFFY
Wesley, do you have time to talk now? Or should I come back?

WESLEY
I have time to spare for you now, certainly.

RILEY
Buffy, I'll see you Thursday. Looking forward to it.

[Exit]

BUFFY
I'm so screwed.

WESLEY
I heard. You are to be married to Riley on Thursday.

BUFFY
What do I do? I'm already married to Spike!

WESLEY
I have an idea, but it is dangerous. It will bring you close to death.

BUFFY
I've already died twice, so no big. Tell me what to do.

WESLEY
Here is the plan, then. Go home and pretend that you are agreeable to the marriage to Riley. Tomorrow, take this potion. It will make you seem as if you are dead. Your blood with slow and your heartbeat will be almost silenced. Forty-two hours later, if my calculations are correct, you will awake as if from a deep sleep. However, in the meantime, your family will think you dead, and the marriage will not happen. I shall have Spike meet you in the graveyard, and then you and he will be free to escape together to Los Angeles. But it will not be pleasant, this potion. Are you quite certain you wish to do this?

BUFFY
Give it to me.

WESLEY
We're agreed, then. I will get the message to Spike in Los Angeles. He shall be waiting for you.

BUFFY
Thank you, Wesley!

[Exeunt]

SCENE II. ROOM IN SUMMERS' HOUSE.

[Enter GILES, JOYCE, WILLOW, and DAWN]

GILES
So much to do to prepare. Dawn, are the caterers getting everything ready?

DAWN
I guess. Hope they're better than the last ones.

GILES
Buffy has gone to speak to Wesley, correct?

WILLOW
Yes indeedy!

GILES
He's sure to talk some sense into her head.

WILLOW
Look! She's back! And she looks a heck of a lot happier, don't you think?

[Enter BUFFY]

GILES
Buffy! You are looking better. How are you?

BUFFY
Giles, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. You were right. I guess I just needed a little time to get used to the whole idea.

GILES
I understand. And I will let Riley know. You made the right decision, Buffy.

BUFFY
Wesley was a big help.

GILES
I'm glad to hear it. I must remember to thank him when I see him next.

BUFFY
Willow, will you help me find something to wear?

JOYCE
Buffy, you have plenty of time.

GILES
No, go ahead. It will be enjoyable for them both.

Exeunt BUFFY and WILLOW

JOYCE
It's already so late. Will we be ready in time?

GILES
I'll take care of it all. Go and help Buffy. That's far more important.

[Exeunt]

SCENE III. BUFFY'S ROOM.

[Enter BUFFY and WILLOW]

BUFFY
I'm just not into the clothes thing, Wil. I guess I need a little me-time tonight. Please don't be mad.

[Willow shakes her head and hugs her. Enter JOYCE]

JOYCE
Need any help?

BUFFY
No, Mom, I'm okay. Willow was just leaving, anyway.

JOYCE
Good night. Get some rest. It's been a long week.

[Exeunt JOYCE and WILLOW]

BUFFY
Good night, Mom. Good night, Willow. I'll miss you.

What if this doesn't work? Or what if this actually kills me? Um, well, if it doesn't work, I'll just run away. Um, again. And if it kills me, then Xand and I will be hanging out and watching movies for all eternity. Either way, the risk's not so bad. Bottom's up! {Drinks the potion} Ew! Why couldn't it be chocolate flav---

[BUFFY falls upon her bed within the curtains]

SCENE IV. KITCHEN IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.

[Enter JOYCE and WILLOW]

JOYCE
Would you take the keys and grab more spices?

WILLOW
I think we need more dates for the pastry.

[Enter GILES]

GILES
Morning! Lots to do for the wedding!

WILLOW
Did you get any sleep? Please, Giles, get some rest! It's a big day!

GILES
No, I'm fine, truly. Far too much to do to think of sleep on a day like today.

JOYCE
Just don't over-exert yourself.

[Exeunt JOYCE and WILLOW]

GILES
Let's see, we have food, chairs, decorations, the groom on his way... Oh, the bride! Willow!

[Re-enter WILLOW]

Would you go and awaken Buffy and help her get ready? Riley will be here soon.

[Exeunt]

SCENE V. BUFFY'S BEDROOM.

[Enter WILLOW ]]

WILLOW
Buffy? Buffy, wake up! Isn't it exciting? It's your wedding day! And Riley will be here any minute!

[Undraws the curtains]

Buffy, you're dressed. Buffy?

[looks at BUFFY, realizes that she is not breathing] Buffy! No! No, please don't be dead! I can't lose you, too!

[Enter JOYCE]

JOYCE
Willow, what's wrong?

WILLOW
Look! Oh god, I can't... This can't be happening!

JOYCE
Buffy! Oh please god, no!

[Enter GILES]

GILES
What's taking so long? Riley has just arrived.

WILLOW
She's dead, deceased, she's dead!

GILES
I cannot accept this. No... she is cold and stiff. My god, she is gone.

[Enter WESLEY and RILEY, with Musicians]

WESLEY
Come, is the bride ready to go to church?

GILES
Ready to go, but never to return. She... she is dead.

RILEY
I've waited for this day for so long, and am greeted by this?

JOYCE
My daughter... gone.

WILLOW
A horrible day in a horrible week. I can't take this.

RILEY
This death has ruined my one chance at happiness. Anybody know of any helicopters leaving soon?

GILES
We will never know joy again without her.

WESLEY
Take comfort in the fact that she is surely in a heavenly dimension now. Grieve, yes, but take comfort that you knew her in the short years she had with us.

GILES
Instead of a wedding celebration, it will be a burial feast.

WESLEY
I recommend that you prepare for the funeral.

[Exeunt GILES, JOYCE, RILEY, and WESLEY]

OZ
So... do we still play? We're not much for funerals.

WILLOW
Yes, we'll need music, definitely.

[Exit]

OZ
We can figure out something.

[Enter ANYA]

ANYA
Play something cheery.

OZ
Is that appropriate? I'm thinking not

ANYA
But something cheery is good when things are bad. You won't?

OZ
No.

ANYA
I'm sorry. I just thought it would help.

[Exit]

OZ
Huh.

DEVON
Are we still getting dinner with this gig?

[Exeunt]

ACT V

SCENE I. LOS ANGELES. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD.

[Enter SPIKE]

SPIKE
If I can trust dreams, then after the one last night.. S'all going to work out.

[Enter HOLDEN]

Holden, you've got news for me? How is the Master? Buffy's still all right?

HOLDEN
Dude, sorry to have to tell you this, but she's dead. Just happened. Thought you'd want to know.

SPIKE
Not possible. I won't believe it. If you're lying to me...

HOLDEN
Whoa there, calm down.

SPIKE
And nothing from Wesley?

HOLDEN
Nada.

SPIKE
Get me a vehicle, I have to get back to Sunnydale.

[Exit HOLDEN]

There is no life for me if she's gone. I will return to Buffy tonight, then, and join her in death.

[Dramatic Angsty Exeunt]

SCENE II. WESLEY'S APARTMENT.

[Enter LORNE]

LORNE
Wes! Hey, bro! What's the new dish here in Hellmouthsville?

[Enter WESLEY]

WESLEY
Lorne, I'm relieved that you're here. Did you find Spike? What did he say?

LORNE
Well, I ran into a little snag. There was this demon, and he caused this psychic infection in a house over in Ventura, and I had to help out the poor sods out and... You know how it is.

WESLEY
Who got the letter to Spike, then?

LORNE
Hate it say it, but it never got sent. Got it right here. Look, I would've if I could've, I really would.

WESLEY
Lorne, do you realize what you've done? The information contained in this letter was of the highest importance. Someone could now be in serious danger. Please, I need a crowbar. Would you get one for me?

LORNE
Got it covered like a Nat King Cole classic.

[Exit]

WESLEY
I will fetch Buffy from the tomb and keep her here until Spike can be reached. The poor dear, buried alive. [pauses] Strange, why do I have a sense of deja vu?

[Exit]

SCENE III. A GRAVEYARD; IN A TOMB BELONGING TO THE SCOOBY GANG.

[Enter RILEY, bearing flowers and a torch. Because flashlights are so passe.]

RILEY
Buffy, I will think of you every single day. We would have been so perfect for each other... Wait. Someone's coming. That's odd. Who could be out here so late?

[Hides behind a handy gravestone]

[Enter SPIKE and HOLDEN]

SPIKE
Give me that wrenching iron. And whatever you see or hear, don't interfere. I'm choosing to do this, and I won't be stopped. If you try and stop me, you'll be wishing I left you to bake in the sunlight. Got it?

HOLDEN
Whatever floats your boat. If you're suicidal, that's your deal.

SPIKE
Good. Now get the hell out of here.

HOLDEN
[Aside] This is too interesting of a show to miss. I'm sticking around.

[HOLDEN leans against a nearby tree]

SPIKE
Still hungry, Death? I'm coming down so you can choke on me.

[Opens the tomb]

RILEY
Spike? I thought he was banished... But I'm not gonna let me touch my bride to be. That's just sick.

[Strides forward]

Stop it right there. Don't take another step, vampire. You're not allowed in this town anymore. The Mayor says that you are to be killed on sight. But here you are. Funny, I'm not all that sad about being the one to do this.

SPIKE
I'm here for death, yeah, but you're not part of the plan, mate. Just call me mad and leave it at that. I'm not lookin' for a fight today. Leave now, if you know what's good for you. Forget you saw me.

RILEY
Hostile 17, by the authority of the U.S. Military, you're being taken into custody pending a determination of your status.

SPIKE
You're looking to arrest me, soldier-boy? Now? I'd like to see you try.

[They fight. SPIKE stabs RILEY with a handy dagger]

RILEY
You... you killed me.

[Falls and begins Over-Dramatic Death Scene.]

Please, if there is any part of you that it not evil, do something for me. Lay me next to my love Buffy. I want to be with her forever.

[Dies. Gets Oscar for Over-Dramatic Death Scene.]

SPIKE
Yeah, fine, I'll do it. I get why. For the love of the slayer.

[Laying RILEY in the tomb]

Xander, Riley, and my love Buffy. All dead. On the plus side, my body count's lookin' respectable again. But losing Buffy... I can't bear it.

[Pulls a stake out of his pocket]

Time to end this.

[Enter, at the other end of the graveyard, WESLEY, with a lantern, crow, and spade]

WESLEY
I just hope I make it there before she awakens. [hears a noise] Who's there?

HOLDEN
Hey, just me, buddy of Spike's. Not looking for a snack or anything.

WESLEY
Oh, good. Tell me, who is in the monument?

HOLDEN
Spike.

WESLEY
Excellent! How long has he been there?

HOLDEN
Not long.

WESLEY
Come with me to the vault.

HOLDEN
Uh, y'know, I'd really rather not. The thing is, if I go near him right now, he said he'd do some pretty nasty stuff to me.

WESLEY
Fine, stay. I don't have time to argue.

HOLDEN
[calls after WESLEY] There might've been a fight. Wasn't really paying attention. Just so you know.

[WESLEY enters the crypt just as SPIKE dusts himself]

WESLEY
Spike!

[Advances]

What has happened to drive him to this act? Did he not know that his love lived still? What about those supposedly keen vampire senses?

[Enters the tomb]

And Riley as well? So much death... And this is, in part, my fault for setting up the charade. I am a bad man. How could this have fallen apart so horribly? Buffy! Can you hear me? Are you awake?

[BUFFY wakes]

BUFFY
[Yawns] Wow, I feel well-rested. That's a switch. Where's Spike?

[Ominous noises are heard from nearby]

WESLEY
I'm sorry, Buffy, but Spike... he is dead. Riley as well. Come, let me take you somewhere safe.

[Ominous noises are heard again]

I dare no longer stay.

BUFFY
Spike... dead? But you said... No. Get away from me. I won't go anywhere with you.

[Exit WESLEY, looking appropriately remorseful]

He left me. He just decided to die while I waited for him in death? That's rude. Why didn't he wait for me? It's like that Princess Bride movie... Death can't stop true love. [sees the handy dagger] There's a dagger here. I can follow Spike into dea---

[Pauses]

Wait a second. What am I thinking? I can't believe that I was just seriously considering killing myself. And for a guy? What am I, nuts? If saving the world was involved, then hey, no problem, but this is SO not worth it.

[Begins to leave the vault]

I'm hungry. I wonder if there's food left from the wedding banquet? I think I want a cookie.

[Exeunt]