Chapter 13: Thought I Knew You
Anya sat behind the counter at the Magic Box at the end of the day, plugging inventory into the new computer. She had dumped the old cash register and installed a state-of-the-art computer system, with a much faster connection to her credit card swipey thing. She hunched over the old inventory book for a minute, then went back to typing.
The bell at the top of the door rang loudly as Xander came in. "Hey, baby," he said, ducking behind the counter for a kiss. He pulled the inventory book off her lap and put his arms around her, smelling her hair as he hugged her. "Isn’t it about time you bagged this for the night and came home with me?"
Anya struggled out of his embrace. "I just wanted to try to finish this so I could get rid of this old musty book once and for all," she said, indicating the old inventory log. She tried to turn back to the computer, but Xander forced her to look at him.
"An, it’s almost 9:00, and you haven’t eaten. I promise this book will be here tomorrow," he said, pulling her off her stool and from behind the counter. "Come home with me."
"Fine. Fine. Let me just get my purse," she said, reaching behind the counter.
"And another thing, Anya, how many times have I told you to actually lock that door after you close? Now that you are managing this place, you are the proverbial Spinal Tap drummer in this analogy." As she turned back to him, he reached out and touched her face gently. "I worry about you when you’re here by yourself after dark."
Anya rolled her eyes. "I know. I promise I’ll be more careful." She moved to kiss him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
They stood together for a while, their kiss becoming deeper. But they were interrupted by the ringing of the bell again, and they looked up to see some unexpected visitors.
"Sorry to interrupt, guys," Angel said as he came down the steps, Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn on his heels.
"You see what can get in when you leave the door unlocked?" Xander said under his breath.
Angel fixed Xander with his gaze. "Call the others. We’ve got a situation."
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Buffy’s heartbeat began to slow as she lay on her back, savoring the feelings she’d just experienced. She rolled onto her side and looked at the man lying next to her. He was like a drug to her, she realized; she had initially assumed she could stop this any time, but she was realizing that maybe that wasn’t the case.
"What is it, pet?"
"Nothing," she said, kissing him quickly on the lips. "We should get up. Dawn might be back soon."
"No she won’t. She’s at the Bronze with her friends. If you told her to be home by 10:30, then that’s when she’ll be here, or possibly later, but certainly not earlier. She’s fifteen, remember?"
Buffy sighed. "I guess you’re right." And she pinned him to the pillows with a kiss that put all thoughts of Dawn squarely out of their heads. Spike’s arms came up and encircled her, pulling her close against him. After a while, Buffy pulled away and began kissing him seductively down his neck and to his chest. She gradually worked her way down as Spike moaned in anticipation. Her hair tickled his stomach as she teased him with her mouth. Spike arched his back and closed his eyes, overcome with longing for her.
The phone rang.
Buffy looked up. "I should answer that."
"No, I bloody well think you shouldn’t," Spike growled, his voice thick with desire.
"I have to," she said, scooting to the edge of the bed, "it might be Dawn." She grabbed the phone off the charger and pressed ‘Talk’.
"Hello?"
"Buffy, it’s Xander."
"Oh, hey, Xander," she said as Spike groaned and gave her an I-told-you-so expression. "What’s up?"
"Oh, you know, the usual. Big honkin’ evil afoot. Cordelia’s had a vision, and it wasn’t of the good."
"As I understand it, they never are. What’s the plan?"
"We’re meeting at the magic shop, ASAP."
"Be there in a few," she said, hanging up. Buffy stood up and started pulling on her clothes, which were scattered around the room. "Get up and get dressed. We’ve gotta go fight evil."
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"What’s the story?" Willow said as she and Tara approached the war table in the back of the magic shop. Wesley was working at a laptop computer, pouring through the scanned images of one of Giles’ books. Cordelia looked over his shoulder, absently massaging her temples. "Oh, you guys are actually all here. All Xander said was Cordelia had a vision, so I assumed you had phoned it in."
Angel turned to her. "This is too big. We’ve gotta get in there and put a stop to it tonight."
Willow raised her eyebrows. "What is it?"
"Well, I don’t want to go into a lot of detail before Buffy gets here, but -"
"I’m here." Buffy trotted down the steps and toward the back of the magic shop with Spike on her heels. "What’s the story?" she asked, looking around with a surprised expression. "Must be bad for you guys to have all come from L.A."
"That’s it!" Cordelia yelled, pointing at the screen. "That’s the demon I saw."
Wesley frowned. "Polgara demons. That’s not good at all. They have -"
"Bone skewers that jut from their arms. We’ve run into one before," she added, off Wesley’s look. "And then later we ran into one of the arms attached to something else, but that’s a much longer story. What else do you know?"
Cordelia took a deep breath. "In my vision, I saw six of them, standing around a hole in the ground. I don’t know what exactly was coming out of that hole, but I got the distinct impression that it was going to be very, very bad. I know that in our line of work, things are always very, very bad but I mean it this time. Bad."
"So, anyone got any guesses as to what might be coming out of that hole?" Xander asked.
"This doesn’t sound like your typical Polgara M.O.," commented Anya. "They tend to be the loner type."
"The Rise of the Ba’ar-Pama," Wesley said in a hushed tone, still reading.
"You’re kidding," said Angel.
"The what of the what-what?" asked Xander.
Angel began to explain, circling the table. "The Ba’ar-Pama is an ancient creature of evil. It exists between dimensions, and can be summoned through a fairly complex ritual. I’m guessing that’s what Cordy saw." Angel’s pacing had taken him directly behind where Spike was standing. He stopped walking, and almost imperceptibly his nostrils flared and his eyes widened. "It, ah, it…"
Wesley picked up the story when Angel faltered. "It uses demons like the Polgara, who act very much on instinct without a lot of higher thought. It… contacts them psychically somehow, forces them to perform the ritual that will free it, allow it to exist in our dimension."
"I’m just knowin’ I don’t wanna know, but I gotta ask," said Gunn. "What happens if they free it?"
"Mass destruction. It will make the Mayor’s Ascension look like a picnic by comparison," Wesley said to the room at large.
Everyone shuddered at the thought of that. "OK, so we stop them from freeing it. How do we stop them from freeing it?" Tara asked nervously.
"Buffy, can I talk to you alone?" Buffy jumped at Angel’s voice in her ear, looking up to find him standing next to her. She looked at him questioningly.
"Sure." She headed toward the training room and he followed. She absently listened to the group brainstorming about stopping the Polgara as they went.
When they were in the training room, Buffy turned to Angel. "What is it? Is there something about this Ba’ar-whatever that you don’t want the others to hear? Is it worse than Wesley said?"
"Did you think I wouldn’t know?" His voice was like ice.
"What?" Buffy asked, completely confused.
"You and Spike," he said very slowly through clenched teeth.
"I don’t know what you mean," she said, her mind racing. Please let him be talking about anything else, please -
"Buffy, I’m a vampire, remember?" He grabbed her arm, squeezing it painfully, and said very softly and with dead calm, "I can smell him on you."
Her expression spoke volumes, answering any remaining question in Angel’s mind. If she had just denied it, he might have believed her, the alternative being so repugnant to him. He dropped her arm with disgust and stalked out of the training room. Buffy put her face in her hands.
"The Polgara are strong, but I remember Buffy said if you can break those bone-things off, they’re much more vulnerable," Xander was saying when Angel came back into the room. He didn’t hesitate. In vamp face and before anyone could react, he went directly up to Spike and punched him hard in the face. Completely unprepared, Spike hit the floor hard.
"Bloody - What the hell is your problem?" Spike roared, his own demonic features coming out in reaction to Angel’s.
"You probably wanted me to find out this way, didn’t you?" Angel yelled.
"What?"
"You reek of her." With that, Angel fell on Spike and began pummeling him mercilessly. The others watched in mute horror, unsure what to do.
"STOP IT!" Buffy had come out of the training room. She marched up to the two vampires fighting on the floor and kicked Angel hard in the side, causing him to roll off of Spike. She stood above them, her fists clenched at her side. "We don’t have time for this right now," she seethed.
Angel stood slowly, his human visage returning. He faced off Buffy, then pointed a finger in her face. "What you’ve done makes a mockery of all the sacrifices I made for you," he said coldly, then paced to the far side of the room. Buffy closed her eyes as they filled with tears.
"Angel, Buffy’s right. Whatever… this is, it must wait. We have serious matters to attend to." Wesley turned to Buffy. "We need a battle plan."
Buffy took a large, shaky breath and shook her head as if to clear it. "Right," she said, and it was almost as if she physically donned the mantle of the Slayer. She stood taller and looked around at everyone, the tears gone from her eyes. "Willow, what can you and Tara do about this psychic connection between the Polgara and the Ba’ar-Pama?"
Willow gave Buffy a supportive look, having understand quicker than anyone what was going on between Angel and Spike. "I’ve been thinking about that. I think that if Tara and I link, we can attempt to break the connection. It will take all our concentration, but I think we can do it."
"Good," said Buffy. "Cordelia, where’s this going down?"
"The cemetery over on Main and Chestnut, I forget the name."
"Shady Rest," interjected Xander.
"Fine. We need to split into two groups and flank the demons. I’ll take Xander and Anya; Angel, you bring your people around from the other side. We need axes," she said, and Xander immediately headed for the weapons cabinet in the back. "Go for the arms first, we need to disarm them. Literally." She looked at the witches. "While we’re fighting the Polgara, you two do your thing. Get as close as you need to, but be careful."
Finally, she turned to Spike, who had gotten up off the floor and now leaned against the ladder to the loft. "Spike. You stay with Willow and Tara. Protect them. They won’t be able to defend themselves while they’re doing this spell, and I need you to keep any of these demons away from them."
"Count on it."
"OK, everybody clear?" she said as Xander came back loaded with weaponry. "Great." She grabbed a large battle axe. "Let’s move." And with that, Buffy marched out of the magic shop. Xander and Anya followed her.
There was a beat of silence after they left. Then Spike walked up to Angel and faced him, invading his personal space. "I’m gonna say this once. One, I didn’t know you were going to be here, so no, I didn’t want you to find out this way." He enumerated the points on his fingers. "Two, even if you’re feeling ten times the pain I felt when you took Dru from me, it isn’t enough as far as I’m concerned. And three, if you take any of your jealousy out on Buffy, I will kill you. Count on the fact that as many times as I’ve threatened you, I’ve never meant it more than I do right now." He backed away. "Come on, girls, you two have work to do," he said to Willow and Tara, maintaining his eye contact with Angel. Finally, he broke the contact and preceded the witches out of the magic shop.
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Buffy kept up her march, forcing Xander and Anya to trot to keep up. "Buffy! Slow down a little, will ya?"
She stopped, then turned around to wait for them. Xander looked at her uncomfortably. "Ah, Buff, what Angel said … Did he mean, uh -"
Buffy’s voice was cold and completely without emotion. "That Spike and I are screwing. Yes. But Xander, we aren’t going to have this conversation right now." She turned around and kept walking.
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Willow, Tara, and Spike could see this interchange from further down the street, but couldn’t hear what was being said. Spike’s posture positively hummed with anger as he stalked along just ahead of the two witches. Tara and Willow exchanged nervous glances, but neither could think of anything remotely helpful to say. Finally, Tara trotted a little to catch up with Spike and took his cold hand in her own. Spike looked at her with surprise in his eyes and she gave him a small, sympathetic smile as she remembered facing a jealous man-turned-werewolf in the halls of U.C. Sunnydale. They continued walking in silence.
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The gang from L.A. brought up the rear of the group of warriors led by three people trying to stay as far away from each other as possible.
Gunn smirked. "Wow, I didn’t know there was gonna be an angst parade. I should go get me a lawn chair and a flag."
"Hush," said Cordelia, eyeing Angel, who stalked a few paces in front of them.
Gunn lowered his voice. "So lemme get this straight. The Slayer’s doing the nasty with the Billy Idol reject? The vamp that can’t bite anyone, right?"
Cordelia shrugged. "I guess."
"Has anyone told her she’s a Vampire Slayer, not a Vampire Lay-"
"Gunn, be quiet." This from Wesley.
"I’m just sayin’. And Angel could tell this cause he could ... smell it?" he said, wrinkling his nose. "Man, I wouldn’t -"
Angel turned suddenly. "Yes and I can hear pretty well too, so why don’t you take their advice and shut your mouth."
Gunn raised his hands placatingly. "Sorry, man." They continued on their way to the cemetery.
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They assembled as three distinct groups. Buffy had already scouted ahead and found the tableau that Cordelia described. She returned and began issuing commands. "They’re over there," she said, pointing. "Xander, you, Anya and I will veer to the north, attack from there. Angel, the you guys take the south, count to sixty, then move in. Willow, how long will this take?"
"I don’t know, Buffy. It could take several minutes."
"We’ll hold them off the best we can. Ready? Go," she said, ducking low and running in the general direction she had indicated. Wesley followed, leading Angel, Cordelia, and Gunn. Spike, Willow, and Tara followed last.
Buffy used a nearby mausoleum to shield herself from view of the demons. They stood in a circle around what was indeed a large hole in the ground, chanting and occasionally throwing things into the hole. She watched, counting. "57 ... 58 ... 59 ... 60. Here we go." She ran out, axe swinging, and beheaded the first demon she came to. His body toppled over and his head rolled into the hole.
"What happened to going for the arms?" Xander yelled as the demons turned to face them.
Buffy shrugged. "I saw an opportunity."
At that moment, with all the demons facing Buffy and Xander, Angel and Gunn leapt out and attacked the two closest to them. Although the Polgara were facing the wrong way, they were aware of a threat this time and their reflexes were faster. Three of them swung around at the sound of the attack from behind and met Angel and Gunn and now Wesley, who had joined them. The remaining two continued advancing on Buffy and Xander. On each side, Anya and Cordelia hung back. They would fight if they had too, but neither was skilled enough in battle to enter the fray at this point.
The fight was ugly. The bone spurs that were the Polgaras’ weapons were long and deadly, and kept the combatants from approaching too closely. Angel finally managed to get in a good swing with his axe and injured one of the demons, causing it to drop to its knees. Stepping on the protruding bone spur and pinning the demon to the ground, he dropped his weapon, grasped the demon’s head and gave a sharp twist. It fell lifeless in front of him.
"Two down already," said Wesley. "This is going quite well."
At that very moment, all four of the remaining Polgaras whipped their heads around as one and looked off to one side. Following their gaze, Buffy could make out Willow and Tara standing several yards away, their hands clasped. Spike stood guard in front of them. Again, as one, the demons ran for the two witches at full sprint.
"You spoke too soon, English," said Gunn, and they ran after the demons.
As the demons approached, they were faced down by a lone vampire who stood leaning almost casually on the handle of his battle axe. He wore his game face and smiled. At this point, violence was just what he needed.
As the first demon met him and prepared to impale Spike with its natural weapon, Spike swung his axe in a complete circle and connected with the demon’s shoulder. The entire arm fell harmlessly at Spike’s feet and the demon roared and staggered backwards. Blood poured from its shoulder, but the demon rebounded and attacked again, as if driven by some unseen force. Spike swung the axe again, this time sinking it deep in the demon’s chest. The demon was defeated, but Spike lost precious seconds dislodging his weapon, and two of the other demons were an instant away from the oblivious witches.
Coming out of nowhere, Buffy and Angel almost literally flew at the two Polgara, leaping onto their backs and dropping along with them to the ground. They had dropped their weapons, but in this close combat the ejectable bone spurs proved difficult to use as well. Still, the demons were very strong and soon got the upper hand.
Angel bellowed in pain as one of the spurs went through his arm, pinning him to the ground. The demon positioned his other arm against Angel’s chest. Angel flinched. It wasn’t wood, but it would hurt.
Buffy had rolled over and over with her demon down a small hill. The demon headbutted her hard and she was disoriented. She struggled, hoping that Willow and Tara would have long enough.
Spike was locked in combat with the last demon. He swung the axe but the Polgara caught it, jerking it out of Spike’s hands and dropping it. Spike roared and threw himself at the demon.
Suddenly, the ground shuddered slightly and a loud clap like a sonic boom was heard. Willow and Tara let go of each other and collapsed on the ground. The three Polgara demons paused, looking around themselves in a disoriented way that indicated that they weren’t sure where they were or what they were doing. It was all their foes needed.
Angel brought his free hand around and cold-cocked the demon, grunting in pain as the bone spur moved in his wounded arm. Wesley, standing over them, swung his axe and beheaded the demon.
Buffy rolled over and gained the upper hand over the Polgara who had been on top of her. Leaping up and holding out her hand, she felt rather than saw Xander’s presence as he slapped his axe into her outstretched palm. With a biting strike, she brought it down like a woodcutter into the demon’s chest.
Spike straddled the demon he had leapt upon and with a swift movement, broke its neck.
There was a moment of silence.
"Willow!" Xander ran to help Willow, who was coming around, into a sitting position. Tara groaned and pushed herself up with her hands, then sat up as well.
The two witches grinned at each other. "It felt like we did it," said Willow.
"We did. But your nose is bleeding again, sweetheart." Tara smiled at Willow as she wiped her nose with her sleeve. They struggled to stand.
Xander supported them on either side. "Yeah, I’d say you definitely did something. It was real wrath of God-type stuff. Ground shaking, loud thunder clap, and then the demons all looked like they were waking up after a night of binge drinking."
Wesley and Gunn came up to congratulate the two witches. Cordelia helped Angel dislodge himself from the demon and then she wrapped a makeshift bandage around the wound in his arm.
As most of the group congratulated themselves on their success, three stood apart from the warm celebration. Angel’s eyes met Buffy’s, and for a long moment they stared at each other. Then without a word, Angel ripped his eyes away and turned, walking toward the cemetery exit. Buffy watched him go, a look of pain in her eyes.
Cordelia smiled apologetically at the others. "That’s sort of our ride home." She, Wesley, and Gunn said their goodbyes and turned to follow Angel.
As they left, Gunn could be heard saying, "Man, I am not looking forward to this ride."
Buffy met Spike’s eyes on the other side of the group. He took a hesitant step toward her. She turned away and fled the cemetery.
"Buffy!" Spike called, preparing to chase her, but Willow put a restraining hand on his arm.
"Let her go."
Chapter 14: Throwing Stones
Buffy avoided everyone the next day. She didn’t go to the magic shop, she didn’t answer the phone, and in the afternoon she went for a long walk in the woods near the caves outside of Sunnydale. After stopping by home to grab a quick bite to eat and her stakes, she headed out on patrol, purposefully going to one of the smaller, less popular of Sunnydale’s several cemeteries that didn’t need to be patrolled as often. She trudged through the night that matched her black mood, realizing that the only problem with going to a lesser cemetery was that there was nothing there to kill. And she really needed to kill something.
"You are a hard woman to find." She whipped around to find Spike standing behind her. He threw his half-smoked cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with a black-booted foot, then approached her hesitantly.
She didn’t reply. Spike searched her face for some clue as to how to proceed, but got none. "Are you OK?" he asked softly. Buffy shrugged, then turned and started walking. Spike fell into step beside her.
"I’m sorry he found out like that. You may think I wanted it, or that I enjoyed it, but I swear I didn’t."
"I know."
"I hate that he’s hurt you again. It makes me want to rip his throat out."
"He was right," she said softly.
Spike stepped in front of her to force her to stop walking and look at him. "What do you mean, he was right?"
Buffy raised her voice. "He was right! I have made a mockery of his sacrifices!"
"Buffy, no. That isn’t -"
She interrupted him. "The reason he left was so I could meet someone normal, get married, and have a family." Angel’s words from two and a half years ago swam through her mind. You deserve more. You deserve something outside of... demons and darkness. You should have someone who can take you into the light. "And what have I done instead? Gotten involved with a soulless vampire."
Spike flinched with pain at her words, trying to keep his anger in check. "Buffy, you think that’s what Angel’s on about? I don’t. There was one more reason he left, am I right? ‘Cause you two couldn’t be together in every sense of the word. He’s just jealous that I can give you something he can’t."
"Yeah. We have sex. And yeah, I’m sure he’s jealous. But that doesn’t make his words any less true," she said coldly.
"Who bloody cares what Angel thinks?" Spike yelled, frustrated. "I don’t. And neither should you. He’s been out of your life for over two years, Buffy. And," he gasped sarcastically, "he hates the fact that you’re involved with me. Well, news flash, he hates me, so that’s not much of a surprise."
"This isn’t just about Angel," Buffy said, looking at the ground.
"Isn’t it? Because it seemed to me that things between us were going pretty well before angst boy came swooping into town yesterday."
"Spike, just because we have great sex doesn’t mean -"
"Oh, I see. Because that’s all this is to you, right? Fucking. Nothing more. I guess that green poof in L.A. was right on the mark, calling me the Slayer’s boy toy."
Buffy’s face took on a pained expression at that. "I didn’t mean that that’s all it is, but …" she trailed off. Then she took a deep breath and steeled herself. "I can’t do this anymore. This … thing between us. It has to stop."
It was the moment he had feared since the first time she’d kissed him on her living room couch. The moment when this spell would be broken. The fact that Angel had been the catalyst of it only made him more angry. Forcing his pain down as far as he could, he did the only thing he could think to do. He lashed out at her. "Just like that, right? Now that everybody knows how you’ve been slumming with Spike, high-and-mighty Buffy turns up her nose and runs back to the Scoobies, dignity partially intact. ‘Don’t worry, Xander, I was just using him for sex. Fortunately, I have come to my senses, and will sit here with my knees together, waiting to sink my claws into the next beefsteak with a soul of gold to come along.’"
"You bastard -"
"Yes, Buffy, call me names. Maybe if you pretend that you still hate me it will help you sleep at night." With that, he turned and walked away from her.
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Slam! The sound of the front door banging shut made Dawn jump in her seat at the kitchen table. She watched as Buffy stormed into the kitchen, dropping her backpack of stakes onto the counter with a clatter. Buffy reached into one of the cabinets and pulled out a glass, which quickly slipped out of her hand and fell with a crash onto the floor.
"Fuck!" she screamed, then looked guiltily at her sister. "Sorry."
"Yeah, you might spoil my virgin ears," Dawn said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "What’s up with you? Did you and Spike have a fight about this Angel thing?"
Buffy looked at Dawn with a horrified expression. "What do you know about that?"
Dawn rolled her eyes again. "Do you think I spent the day in a cave? I was at the magic shop this afternoon after school, and I heard Xander and Anya whispering about it. Then Spike came in around sunset looking for you, and no one knew where you were, and everybody was acting all weird around him, and he was obviously upset and worried that you were avoiding him. Besides, I had already figured out that you two were boinking."
"You what?"
"Buffy, I heard him in your room." When Buffy flushed and looked even more horrified, Dawn clarified. "Not while you were doing it. Ewww. I just mean I heard him talking one time."
"Oh." Buffy got the dustpan and broom and swept up the broken glass.
"So I ask again, did you and Spike have a fight about this Angel thing?" Dawn pressed.
"Dawn, I don’t wanna talk about it right now," Buffy said, getting down another glass and going to the refrigerator for the pitcher of lemonade.
"Well I do. I’m worried that you might’ve hurt Spike’s feelings, and if you did, I wanna smack you upside the head."
"It’s a little more complicated than that."
"No it isn’t. Spike loves you. Angel’s been out of the picture for a long time. What’s so complicated? Nothing’s changed except now people know about you two."
"Look, this wasn’t … He isn’t exactly the kind of guy you settle into a long term relationship with, all right? He’s a vampire. With no soul."
"Oh, here we go again with the soul thing. What is a soul, Buffy? Have you ever sat down and really asked yourself that question? Do you know the answer? Cause if so, call up the heads of all the major religions; I’m sure they’d be interested. Spike is good. He has been for a long time. He does good things. And I don’t just mean killing demons because the chip prevents him from killing anything else. I mean things like helping me with my homework. Or telling Tara she looks pretty. Or helping Anya move. Or loving you. That stuff goes way beyond the chip, although the chip may be what allowed it to happen in the first place."
Buffy stared at her little sister stubbornly.
"Buffy, why can’t the fact that you wanna be with him and he wants to be with you be enough?"
"Maybe I don’t … want to be with him."
"Right, so the fact that since you got back from England, you’ve been happier than I’ve seen you in recent memory, that’s just, what, a coincidence? Or the fact that you spend like twenty hours a day with him?"
"I don’t -"
"Yes you do. You may not believe that you love him, and he may not either, but I think you do." Dawn crossed her arms stubbornly over her chest and glared at her sister.
"Dawn, I know it seems simple and romantic to you. But life isn’t like that. Star-crossed lovers end up alone and hurting. And sometimes a vampire is just a monster after all," Buffy said, fleeing the kitchen and up the stairs.
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She couldn’t avoid the Magic Box forever, so Buffy headed over there the following afternoon. Xander had just gotten off of work and was reading the newspaper in the back while Anya flitted amongst several customers. Buffy slowly dragged herself over to the war table and slumped into a chair.
"Hey, Buff," he said lightly, glancing at her over the paper.
"Hey." After a beat, she said, "I was in the market for some disapproving glares and maybe a lecture, so I thought I’d head on over."
"A lecture?"
"Yeah, you know, vampires are evil, having sex with them is gross and disturbing, something along those lines." She said, smiling a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
"Is this about Spike, or are you putting out for all the vamps these days?" he joked. When she just glared at him, he softened. "Did he find you last night?"
"Yeah," she said, looking away.
"What happened?"
"I ended it."
"Why?"
She looked at him curiously. "I was expecting something more along the lines of ‘Woo-hoo’."
He smiled. "Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t thrilled to learn that you and Spike were shagging. I personally think it’s … not the best choice you ever made. But if you broke it off just because of what Angel said, well, that’s maybe not the best choice either."
"What Angel said just made me think about things for the first time. What was happening with Spike ... didn’t involve a whole lot of thinking."
"I suspected not."
"I just remembered that part of the reason that Angel left was so that I could have a normal relationship. Get married, have a family. All that stuff. And those things require a human, last I checked."
"Yeah, I guess they do." He paused as if wondering if he should say what he was thinking. "The thing is, Buffy ... after I got over the initial shock and, ok, a little disgust, I realized that you’ve been so happy lately. For the first time, you’ve seemed at peace with everything, at peace with being Buffy and the Slayer. Do you think that some of that is because of him?"
"I don’t know. Dawn said the same thing, about me being happy, I mean."
"Are you happy now? Do you feel relieved that it’s over?"
Buffy didn’t answer his question. "I just can’t go through this again, Xander. I can’t wake up every morning wondering if today is the day that he turns evil on me. I can’t grow old every year while he stays the same. I can’t spend the daylight hours sitting alone and waiting for the sun to go down."
"Buffy," Xander sighed heavily. "I don’t want to say this, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Anya, it’s that sometimes being blunt is valuable, even if it’s uncomfortable or hurtful." He paused. "The thing is, you’re the Slayer. Even though you’ve gotten a second chance at life, you risk your life every day. You fight in a war. We all learned the hard way that even you, possibly the best Slayer to ever walk the Earth, are mortal. Or would’ve been, if you hadn’t been forced to come back and fight some more. My point is, maybe you shouldn’t be thinking so hard about the distant future."
"What are you saying, Xander? I’m gonna die young anyway, so it doesn’t matter what I do?"
"No, I’m saying that it matters that much more what you do. Every day is precious. For all of us, but especially for you. You need to figure out what you want and what’s best for you and do that. Don’t make your choices cause you think Angel or Giles or I won’t approve. ‘Cause you don’t have time for that bullshit. Just ... live your life."
"I can’t believe you’re advising me to go back to Spike."
"I’m not, exactly. I’m advising you to follow your heart. To be honest, yes, I’m afraid he’s bad for you. I’m afraid he’ll hurt you. I want you to find someone with a pulse and a more varied wardrobe. But more than that, I want you to be happy."
Buffy leaned over and hugged Xander. "Thanks."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don’t know."
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Buffy walked alone through the darkening park, her hands in her coat pockets. She thought about Angel’s horror and disapproval, about Dawn’s blunt lobbying on Spike’s behalf, about Xander’s understanding and advice, about Willow’s surprise and eventual happiness for her. And she thought about Spike. How she felt when she was fighting with him. How she felt when she was dancing with him. How she felt when she was in bed with him, or talking with him, or patrolling. He had always seen right through her, had always seemed to know what she was thinking before she knew herself. It had once been a source of annoyance for her, but lately she had found it comforting.
I wasn’t fair to him, she thought. She decided to go see him, still unsure what she would say when she got there. The least she could do was apologize for her attitude earlier, and hear him out.
When she got to the crypt, she stood outside for a moment. The thought of seeing him made her heart beat faster. Running a hand through her hair, she pushed hesitantly on the door. "Spike?" she called. No answer. She went in, but it was dark; he wasn’t home. She decided to wait for him, so she fumbled around where she knew he kept a lighter. Lighting a candle, she turned to the interior of the crypt. What she saw made her heart skip a beat. His television was against one wall, smashed. None of his other belongings were anywhere to be found.
He was gone.
Chapter 15: Near You Always
Spike stood at the edge of the dock, a small, weathered bag in his hand. He watched as lightening flashed across the water and listened as thunder followed a couple of seconds later. The storm was getting closer. He watched a man walk down the gang-plank of the large freighter. With a single movement, he stood threateningly in front of the man. "Where’s this boat going, then?" he asked.
"What? Oh, ah, the UK, I think. Swansea."
"That’ll do." He had never much liked eating the Welsh, but he supposed that wouldn’t be an issue this time. He let the man scamper away, then pulled out his cigarettes, still staring at the ship. A few raindrops began to fall, splashing onto the dock and the shoulders of his leather coat.
"You know, I was just thinking to myself the other day that I hadn’t driven a man out of Sunnydale since I came back from the dead and it was getting to be about time." Spike whirled to see Buffy standing several paces away, smirking slightly. He didn’t say anything in response, so she continued, stepping closer to him. "You’re just going to leave the DeSoto?"
"Can’t drive to Europe, luv," he said, turning back to the water.
"No, I suppose not. Still, you and that car ... it doesn’t seem right."
"Why are you here?" he asked coldly.
"Because I went to find you at your crypt and you were gone."
He turned to her again, angrily throwing his cigarette to the ground. "What, did you get lonely? Aching for a good shag? Sorry, pet, not playing that game with you anymore."
Buffy let his harsh words wash over her. "I’ve gotten a lot of advice over the last twenty-four hours. First from Dawn. Did you know she’s known about us for a while? She told me that nothing about this is complicated. That you wanting to be with me and me wanting to be with you should be enough. Then from Xander. He said breaking things off because of Angel wasn’t the right choice. He said I should just figure out what I want and what’s best for me and do that." It was raining harder now, and the thunder began to drown out her words. She moved closer to him. "So I wandered around for a while, wondering what that was. You see, it’s easy to say ‘live each day the way you want to live it.’ It’s easy to say ‘do what’s best for you.’ It’s something else again to figure out what the hell that is. So I decided to go see you. Not because I had figured it out, but because I ... I just wanted to see you. And to apologize. Hell, maybe I was lonely, like you said. So I went, and you were gone."
He frowned, watching the rain dripping off her eyelashes. Finally he spoke. "I spent six months loving you, wishing for a scrap, a crumb, anything from you. I hated you, I wanted to kill you, I ached for you, I -" He stopped and swallowed, looking at the ground. Then he looked up again into her eyes. "When I finally knew, really understood, that you would never love me, I thought I couldn’t hurt any more than that. But then you died.
"When you came back, I was just so relieved to be able to look at you again. Just to get to see your face. Even knowing that it would never be more than friendship - that hurt, but it was worth it. Then it happened. For whatever reason, you let me touch you. You let me make love to you. I thought I was in heaven. I spent the next two weeks trying to convince myself that I hadn’t dreamed it. But you came back, and it was real. You and me. And I knew. I knew you didn’t love me, that you just needed to feel needed and wanted. You needed me just to be there, no questions asked. I knew deep down that eventually something would make you come to your senses. ‘Cause I’m not that bloke, the one you’re waiting for. The one who’s going to take you away from all this.
"And that’s why I have to leave. Not because I’m not him, but because I don’t give a damn that I’m not him. I’ll cling to you until it either kills us both or until I drag you down into this dark place with me. I won’t be a gentleman about it. I can’t give you up, not now. Maybe not even when I’m on the other side of the planet, but at least you’ll finally be free of me then."
Tears filled Buffy’s eyes as she listened to his words. They spilled over onto her face and mingled with the rain. "You didn’t let me finish."
He filled his dead lungs with air, exhausted by his confession. "Then finish."
"I stood in your crypt for a long time, staring at that damn TV. Just stood there. And that was when I realized that my little sister was right," she said, grimacing slightly.
"What about?"
"We’ve been fools, you and me. I’ve spent the last few weeks convincing myself that I didn’t love you, and you’ve been doing the same, telling yourself that your love was still as unrequited as ever. But it wasn’t true. Standing in that stupid crypt, candle wax burning my fingers, staring at your ruined television, I realized..."
He moved closer so that their faces were inches apart. "What?" he finally asked.
"I realized that I love you," she said simply.
He stared into her eyes, willing it to be true. Unable to stand the intensity of his gaze, Buffy tried to look away, but his hand gripped her face and forced her to look at him. Finally he spoke. "This time, I think being sure is a requirement."
She took him by the shoulders, pulling him into a kiss of startling intensity. She pressed against his entire length and he felt her warmth through her wet clothes. Her teeth raked against his lip, drawing blood. Finally she pulled away. "I love you," she said breathlessly.
This time, he knew it was true. He dropped to his knees in front of her, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face in her stomach. They stayed that way for a time, until finally she stepped backwards, causing him to look up at her questioningly. "We should get out of this storm."
"I suppose we should," he said, not moving. "I love you, Buffy."
She pulled him to his feet and they headed away from the dock, the rain still falling in sheets out of the sky. Buffy moved in a daze, still a little bit astonished at what she had realized about her feelings for Spike. She looked down at her rain-soaked clothes. "I must look like a drowned rat," she said.
Spike groaned as they walked. "Only you would be worried about the way you look right now. We had quite a moment back there, you know. Real romance novel stuff." He looked up at the sky, smiling. "The rain just makes the setting that much more gothic, and - AAAAGH!"
Buffy had gotten a little ahead of him as he mused on the romance of their encounter. When he screamed, she whipped around to see him lying on the ground a few feet away, and where he had been walking, the severed end of a downed power line crackled. "Spike!" she screamed, running over to him, wondering what effect an electric shock would have on a vampire.
Spike was groaning and lying on the ground. "Bloody hell," he rasped, trying to push himself up on his elbows. "What the hell was that?"
"It looks like you stepped on a downed power line," she said, relieved that he seemed to be mostly OK.
He sat up, holding his head. "That was … interesting. Like what the chip does inside my head, but all over my entire body." He looked at her and smiled. "So much for the romance."
She giggled. "Yeah, especially with your hair standing on end like that," she said, and the sight of him fussing with his hair made her laugh harder. The ridiculousness of the entire night and the emotional overload caught up with her and she collapsed on him, giggling hysterically. A few people abroad on that miserable night stared in amazement at the couple sitting on the side of the street, soaking wet, laughing and kissing as if completely unaware of their surroundings.
----------------------------
"Let’s go in through the kitchen; I don’t want to track mud all over the floors," she said, dragging him by the hand around to the back of the house. Still laughing, they stumbled in through the kitchen door. Buffy started to reach down to take off her shoes, but Spike pushed her up against the kitchen counter, kissing her passionately. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, losing herself in the kiss.
Dawn, who was attracted by the noise they had made coming in, watched them with an amused expression for a few seconds before making them aware of her presence with a loud, fake clearing of her throat. "A-hem!"
Buffy and Spike broke apart quickly, Buffy frowning at her sister’s interruption and Spike grinning guiltily at Dawn.
Dawn smirked at them. "I see Buffy came to her senses then," she said.
Spike smiled down at Buffy. "Yeah, I guess she did."
Dawn nodded her head at that. "Good. I’m going over to Lisa’s house to study for our Algebra II exam. I’ll be back in a few hours." She started to head out of the kitchen, then turned back to them, an evil grin on her face. "Oh, and guys? I do have to eat in here, you know, so no sex on the kitchen table. Take it upstairs." Then she dashed out the door before Buffy could react.
"When did my little sister get so crude? Was that your influence?" she reprimanded Spike.
He shrugged, smiling. "I’m sure it’s Xander’s fault." He looked at her. "You’re shivering, pet."
"Yeah, well, I am completely soaked through," she said, her teeth chattering a little.
"Yeah, I noticed," he said, unable to tear his eyes away from the way her shirt clung to her skin. "Let’s take Dawn’s advice," he whispered in her ear. "I’ll warm you up."
In her bedroom, she let him slowly, almost reverently undress her and towel her dry. She flushed, embarrassed by his intense gaze. "What is it, luv? I have seen you naked before," he remarked, smiling.
"I know. It’s just ... different now."
"Why? Because now you love me?"
"No. Because for once I’m not locking a part of myself away when I’m with you." They continued staring into each other’s eyes as he dropped the towel on the floor and continued caressing her skin with his hands. She kissed him gently, enjoying the feel of his soft lips against hers. Buffy ran her fingers through his drying hair and down his bare back. She relaxed back against the pillows, pulling him down with her. For a while they just clung to each other, needing to feel the simple contact of skin on skin. Soon, though, their sexual need for each other began to take over, and Buffy moved her hips against him in a way that made him moan softly in her ear.
She rolled over onto her back, looking into his blue eyes again. "Make love to me," she said. While they made love, Buffy found that she was intensely aware of everything: every caress, every kiss, every wave of pleasure that washed over her.
Afterwards, she curled up next to him with her head on his shoulder, their fingers entwined. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed it gently.
"Slayer," he said, "Do you realize how bloody wrong for you I am?"
"Yeah."
"Then why? Why stop me from leaving? And don’t say because you love me; you have more common sense than that." He turned and looked her in the eye appraisingly.
She shrugged. "Right now, you make me happy. Right here, right now, this is what I want. I know it might not last. I know eventually it might kill us both. But I can’t bring myself to care about that. I deserve ... I deserve a measure of happiness in my life." She kissed him. "You give me that."
He kissed her back, wishing fervently that at that moment they could just freeze time.