Chapter 23:

‘The more things change the more they stay the same.’ Buffy thought as she stood in her old room. She had returned to Sunnydale for a visit. After finishing her internship at the hospital, she had taken a few weeks off before she started her new position at NYU Hospital.

Her mom was more than pleased. She had not been home to visit for such a long time. She had made a huge fuss that her eldest daughter was coming home to visit and a doctor no less! As she stood in the room looking at the New Kids on the Block posters and teddy bears on the bed, she felt more like a little girl than the doctor she was.

She moved over to her vanity mirror looking at the photos that were stuck on it. She smiled to herself as the memories flooded back to her. There was one of her and Will one Halloween dressed as Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumb, that memory caused her to shiver. It was the other reason she had avoided coming home.

Will.

This room, her bedroom where everything had changed and could never go back. It had been eighteen months since their goodbye and she had not seen him in person since.

She had tried to move on and forget that he existed. Just like before. Throwing herself into her work and shutting herself off to the pain in her heart.

In typical Will style, he had not made it easy. The band hit it big. Really big, on every cover of a magazine big. She had seen him everywhere. He was hard to miss.

After the tour had finished, the band released their biggest album to date.

She could still recall the first time she heard the single. Driving home from work, his voice came across the radio.

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
if I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
if I'm going away your heart’s coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
and the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
tried letting go but you're still the only one
that feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me any more?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
you're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
that feels like home, yeah,
you're still the only one that feels like home,
you're still the only one I've gotta love.

Her grip on the steering wheel tightened as the sobs escaped from her. Her vision blurred and she pulled over onto the side of the road, her mind was spinning.

Was that how he felt? If that was the case, then why did he leave? Why couldn’t he tell her instead of telling the whole world?

Things got much harder. The album was called “Late Night Crossword Puzzle”, it did not take Buffy long to figure out its interpretation. The single called “Ten Days” went to number one and stayed there for too many weeks to count.

The second single “Beautiful”, which he had sung to her in the hospital so long ago, went just as well. It was if he was punishing her with his music. However, she knew that was not the truth.

Then there were the awards, the Grammy’s, the MVA’s, the Billboard and American Music Awards. It seemed as though all Will had to do was turn around and someone was handing him an award. It looked as though he had everything he could ever want. However, she could tell something was missing.

One night after she got home after a late shift, she saw him being interviewed on Jay Leno. She saw him sitting on the couch looking very nervous and very handsome. The hair had gone back to its ‘natural’ platinum blonde.

He looked good. Good, but not happy.

“So Spike, tell us, the single ‘Beautiful’, is it inspired by any one in particular?”

Spike shifted nervously in his seat. Buffy would have sworn that if he were wearing his glasses that he would have pushed them up his nose.

“Yes it is Jay.” He answered.

“Wow, she must feel lucky having a song written about her.” Jay inquired.

“Wouldn’t know mate, never asked her.” His tone turned cold.

She stood up turned the TV off at that point, not wanting to hear all the details of their relationship turned into a comedy fodder.

Did she feel lucky? Not really. Heartbroken yes. Stupid for letting her fears cheat her out of a relationship that could have been so many great things.

She shook the negative thoughts from her head. They would lead to nowhere, nowhere productive anyway.

She grabbed her bag and started unpacking her bag, as she unzipped it. She pulled her copy of Great Expectations from it. Well, not so much hers, but Will’s. She could not bring herself to part with it even though he had had no such problems. She had not had a chance to read it. She had brought it on vacation in a vein attempt to get some reading done. She placed it on her bed and continued to unpack her bag.

She heard the door open. Not bothering to look up, she continued to empty her bag as she spoke.

“I’ll be down in a second mom just want to pack away my things.”

The voice she heard in response was not the one she was expecting and sent shivers down her spine.

“Hello love.”

Chapter 24:

Spike leant against the doorframe of Buffy’s bedroom. He looked around; it had not changed much since he had last been here. He wished he could say the same about himself.

She turned at the sound of his voice, her eyes widening in shock. She still looked as beautiful as she did the last time he had seen her in the hospital. Eighteen long months had passed. The tour had started and finished, the new album released and had gone multi platinum, not to mention the slew of awards. Yeah, life should be great.

“Hello Spike,” Buffy’s tone was cold.

From the outside looking in, he had it all and to a certain extent, he did. Nonetheless, he did not have her. All that he ever wanted was in this room. The room he found his love, lost his virginity, laughed, cried and loved. All he ever needed could be found in this room, "New Kids on the Block" posters and all.

He stood in the doorframe waiting for permission to enter, not wanting to overstep his mark. This made him smile. He had in so many other ways overstepped it.

The album had never meant to be about her. The songs he wrote in hospital and after he had left, was never meant for public consumption. He had written them as a way of moving through the happiness and the pain. He started playing one of the songs at the sound check on tour.

“That’s new,” Angel said as he listen to him sing the song. “It’s good; we should add it to the set tonight.”

He raised his eyebrow in response. “I don’t think so mate, this one is for personal use only,” he took his guitar off and sat it down on the amp.

“It might help.” Angel offered.

“With what?” He asked.

“Moving on.”

The words hit him like a steam train. Moving on. It was what he had to do. The album had been a way for him to work through their relationship; it was his form of therapy. He wanted to contact Buffy when it was released; give her a heads up on what was coming. However, he could not find the words. Maybe she would not know about it. The twenty weeks at the top of the album chart took care of that question, as did the swag of awards he had won.

Journalists always asked him, ‘Was the album written about anyone in particular?’ He never lied. If he owed anything to their relationship, it was the truth. He never mentioned her by name and he only spoke of her with the upmost respect and kindness.

“Come to give me my royalties check?” Buffy asked as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“So, I guess that answers the question, have you heard the new album?”

“I’m an intern in a hospital Spike, not a hermit in a cave. Yes, I heard the album.”

He looked down at his feet hoping they would help him find the words to explain his actions.

“It’s a great piece of work. You deserve everything that is happening to you.”

He looked up shocked. That was not what he was expecting.

“Are you going to stand there all day or do you need an invitation?” She asked. She turned and continued to unpack her bag.

“Didn’t know if you wanted me here,” he shifted his weight against the frame.

She looked up from her bag. “I get that. Last time we saw each other, I wasn’t exactly welcoming.”

He walked towards her. “I seem to recall there some welcoming taking place,” he smirked, as he looked her up and down. She still looked as good as ever, still stirred the same feelings within him.

“Is that what they call it these days?” She laughed, “So Spike ‘rock star’ Giles, what have you been up to?” She moved her things off the bed and sat down motioning for him to do the same.

“Don’t,” he winced as he sat down.

“Don’t what?”

“Call me Spike. I am not Spike, not here of all places.”

“Ok Will, what are you doing here?”

He looked down as he picked at her bedspread. “I saw your mom at the grocery store last week. She mentioned that you were coming home for a vacation. I thought we could catch up. It’s been a while,” he looked up and caught her gaze.

“A lifetime it seems,” she responded. “I’m a doctor now, own stethoscope and everything.”

“Your mom did mention that several times.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, to say she is proud of me is an understatement.”

“She is not the only one. I am proud of you too, for what it is worth.”

She reached over and placed her hand over his. “It is worth a lot to me Will. Through everything your opinion of me has always mattered.”

“I didn’t want to write about you.”

The hurt flashed across Buffy’s face.

“What I mean is, I wrote about you, us for me. It was a way for me to sort out the jumbled mess in my head. Writing it down made things clearer somehow.”

“I get that,” she nodded her head.

“The guys heard me playing one of the songs in sound check, they liked it, wanted me to add it to the play list. I didn’t want to hurt you any more, but they pressured me. Buffy, I am sorry.”

“Don’t be. Sure, I didn’t like hearing our relationship play out in song. Nevertheless, the songs are beautiful Will. You should be pleased with all your hard work. You deserve all the accolades and more.” She meant what she said.

“I tried to be happy with it all, the number one hits, the awards, but it was all tinged with sadness. To have such success through all that pain, it didn’t seem right.” She was the first person he had voiced these fears to. He knew no one else would understand it.

“You are one of the lucky ones Will. Some people go through the pain and heartache and have nothing to show for it. At least you have some good come from all the bad.”

He smiled at her words. Same old Buffy, even in the bad she saw the good.

“I missed you,” Buffy whispered.

He was shocked at her words. He was not expecting that.

“Me too,” they sat on her bed staring at each other, taking in the presence of the other. Their bodies inched towards each other slowly as if they were moving against their will.

They broke from their trance, as their mouths were inches within each other. Will stood up from the bed.

“I’m sorry,” they said in unison.

“I guess I had better get going then.” He started to move towards the door.

“Do you love me Will?” Buffy asked.

His hand stopped turning the doorknob. Not looking back at her, he said, “I never stopped.” He looked over his shoulder at her. “Buffy, you were the first women I ever loved. The only women I have ever wanted to love.”

Buffy’s heart filled with love at the words.

“It’s not enough for us remember.” He opened the door to leave.

“What if it is? What if I was wrong?”

He turned and made his way over to her.

“Don’t play with me Buffy. I may act all tough, but when it comes to you and my heart, I am as fragile as glass.” His eyes searched hers trying to see if she was playing him for a fool.

“I’m not playing you Will.” Tears welled in her eyes.

“You left me Buffy; told me our love wasn’t enough. Walked out didn’t even look back,” the hurt came crashing back in waves. “I can’t do it again.”

He turned to leave, as he did, something caught his eye. On the bed was his copy of ”Great Expectations”. The copy he had thrown out in the hospital. ‘What was it doing here?’

“Where did you get that?”

“Umm, I bought it,” Buffy searched her mind for a workable excuse.

“You came back,” the realisation hit him like a harpoon through the heart.

“You had gone,” her tone cold.

“There was no reason to stay. What about now Buffy? Is there a reason to stay now?”

Chapter 25:

Will moved towards her, “Well, is there?” He kept moving closer. He searched her face trying to find any clues as to what was going on in her mind.

“I want there to be.” Buffy answered, “But nothing has changed.”

“I know.” He reached out and cupped her cheek in his hands. She leaned in, closing her eyes while welcoming his touch. “That should tell you everything.”

“What do you mean?” She opened her eyes.

“I love you as much as I did that last night I saw you in the hospital. I tried to move on, find someone else.”

“Did you?” Buffy felt panic rise within her. Had he found someone else? Was it any of her business if he had? She was the one who had created this mess. She asked him to leave. Her fears had cheated her from being a part of his life. “Did you find someone else?”

“No!” The pain and loneliness was visible in his stare. He stepped back from her and started pacing the room.

“I would go out, talk to people, women. I would talk to them because I couldn’t talk to you. As lonely as I was, I knew I would only feel more if I found someone else. Every time I looked at them, it would remind me that I was not with you.” His tears remained unshed.

Buffy had no words; her head was swimming, trying to compute all of her feelings, as well as the ones that Will had just revealed. She rubbed her temples.

“I don’t know what to say.” She figured the truth was a good place to start.

He stopped pacing and stared out the window. “Why did you come back to the hospital room?”

She sat down on her bed and sighed.

“I made a mistake,” she whispered. She kept looking at the carpet trying to count how many squares there were on the print. She knew one look at him and she would not be able to get out of this.

“Pardon?” He asked.

“I made a mistake. That night when I got home, I realised I had made the biggest mistake in my life. But when I got there, it was too late, you had already left.” ‘23, 24, 25 squares who knew?’

“Why didn’t you track me down?” He moved over and knelt down beside her.

She picked up the book. “It was in the trash, I just figured you didn’t want to see me ever again. Not that I could blame you. It was what I thought I wanted.”

“What do you want Buffy?” His stare was unnerving. She tried to look away but was unable to.

“What I want? I don’t think I know any more. When you left the first time, all I wanted was to forget about you. Focus on my degree to become a doctor and that would be enough.” Her frustration and confusion clear in her voice.

“Is it enough Buffy?”

“I used to think so. I was travelling along fine believing that what I had in my life was great and to a certain extent it was. However, it felt like something was missing.”

“I know what you mean. Sometimes I look at my life and think what I am missing. I have done that for most of my life.” He took her hand in his.

“The only time I didn’t feel it was when I was in that hospital. Battered and broken with my career potentially on the skids and it was the happiest I have been in years.”

“Really? Why was that?”

Will chuckled at her question, “For someone with a Doctorate in Medicine you are pretty stupid. You, us, we fit together. When we are not apart of each other’s lives, we are not complete. I need you in my life Buffy.”

“What does that mean, ‘In your life’,” she asked, afraid of the answer.

“What do you want it to mean?” He asked serving the ball back into her court.

“We can’t talk in riddles here Will. I am scared.” She pulled her hand away and wrapped them around herself.

“What is there to be scared of love?”

“I am scared of needing you. For so long, I had to do it all by myself, be strong because I didn’t have the choice. Now I have the choice and I am scared of being weak. Needing someone in my life, admitting I can’t do it on my own.”

“Sometime the strongest thing we can do is ask for help. You can do all these things on your own, no question about that. You have proved it to yourself and everyone around you ten times over. The question now is why would you want to be alone, if you don’t have to?”

“I don’t have to?”

“No, you don’t, Buffy. I love you, never stopped. I went to the end of the world and back and all the space in between and you know the one thing that never changed?”

“The McDonald’s Happy Meal?” She joked.

He laughed. “Well, that and I love you. I want you and most of all I need you.”

She looked down at him kneeling on the floor and then she took in her surroundings, her room, and their sanctuary for so many years growing up. They had taken very separate and very different journeys, but had ended up in the same place. Together.

“I need you too Will,” she leant down and took his face into her hands and kissed him.

Will pulled her down onto the floor with him. Never breaking their embrace, he rolled on top of her. Kissing her senseless. She closed her eyes and took in all the sensations that were coursing through her. He was right. There was something missing when they were apart, all the pieces of her heart were fitting back into place as they kissed.

His mouth made its way down her neck as his hands started undoing her shirt. He pulled up and took her in.

“You are the most beautiful women I have ever seen.”

She blushed at the complement. She closed her eyes and waited for the kissing to recommence.

“Buffy, get up off the floor love,” when she opened her eyes, she saw Will standing over her offering his hand. Buffy felt the sting of rejection though her body.

“I can do it myself,” she pulled herself up to her feet. “I knew I couldn’t trust you j--” she was cut off by his lips on hers.

“Not telling you ‘no’ love.” He pulled back and looked her in the eyes. “When I make love to you, I want it to be right. Not some quick fumble on your bedroom floor.”

“Oh, so you still want me, just not on the floor.” The penny dropped.

“I am sure that sometime in the not so distant future I will want you on the floor, but here and now I want to make love to you in a bed.” He took her hand and led her over to her bed.

The bed they had sat and shared secrets, the same bed they had learnt about themselves, the bed where they first became lovers and not only to each other. It seemed the most natural place in the world to begin their relationship.