Email: Weeza410@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. They all belong to the brilliant mind of Joss Whedon.

Summary: Set after season 6. Buffy is missing Spike. Spike returns. Willow gets the help she needs. All characters are involved but mainly a B/S story with a S/W friendship and also involves W/T.

Please Read and Review. Don't be afraid to leave suggestions for future chapters. Thanks. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

Buffy came home from a long uneventful night of patrolling. She looked around at her empty and painfully quiet house. Dawn was sleeping over at a friend's house and she couldn't help but wish that she were there to keep her company. She just didn't feel like being alone tonight. She couldn't call Willow because she was in England with Giles trying to make amends with herself for her fall off the black magic wagon. Giles was trying to help her get through this. She needed to come to terms with what she's done. After the death of Tara, she killed Warren in a grief stricken rage and tried to hurt every person she cared about. It was going to take a long time until she would be able to forgive herself.

Buffy decided to take advantage of the alone time instead of wallowing in it. She drew herself a bath and soaked herself into the warm bubbles. She considered calling Xander later but she was too afraid that their conversations would travel to the subject of Spike. She tried to relax in her tub but Spike thoughts kept invading her mind. It has been 4 months with absolutely no word from him. She couldn't help but wonder where he was and what he was doing at that very moment.

"Are you all right? Do you need me to get you some help?" A slender young girl obviously not even old enough to drive crouched down by a weeping Spike who settled into a dark corner in the alley behind the Bronze.

"No. Thanks luv. I'll be all right." He stood up and wiped the tears from his face and the girl watched him as he slowly walked away with his shoulders slouched forward and his head facing down toward the ground.

Spike had another one of his reminders from the past. He had spent all this time trying to deal with it all before he even considered coming back to Sunnydale. The nightmares were horrible and his memories were scattered. He didn't remember everything all at once after his soul was returned to him. Instead, the memories came one at a time and out of nowhere. It usually resulted in huddling himself in the corner of wherever he was when the memories came back and crying painful tears in front of complete strangers. He never knew when it was coming, so for 4 months he's had to deal with the stares, pointing, and whispering of all who were there to witness his breakdowns.

Buffy strolled into her room wrapped in a towel and fairly relaxed from her bath. She opened her closet and searched for a pair of comfortable silk pink pajamas she had purchased a few weeks ago but hadn't worn yet. She was hoping she would lose herself in their comfort and get the good nights sleep that she'd been missing out on. She hadn't slept well in about a month. She was too stressed and worried about Willow. She spent nights thinking of ways she could help her friend through this after she returned from England. She tried to think of something she could say to her that would make things better but she always came up with nothing. She continued her search for the pajamas and tried to clear her mind. That's when she smelled the distinct scent of cigarette smoke and alcohol that usually went hand in hand with Spike. Thinking that he had to have been near, she turned around expecting to see him, but saw nothing but an empty room.

"Spike?" She called out to him only half expecting an answer, but she got none.

Then she saw it, hanging in the back of her closet..his leather duster. She had forgotten that it was there. She hung it up there after he had left. She couldn't believe that he had gone anywhere without it. She's hardly ever seen him when he wasn't wearing it. She had always planned on giving it back to him when he returned but after 4 months she wasn't really sure if she'd ever see him again. She reached out and touched the soft leather of his duster. She pulled it off the hanger and brought it up to her face, breathing in and surrounding herself with his scent. It almost felt like he was right there with her. She stopped her pajama search, dropped her towel and wrapped his duster around her body, once again breathing in his scent. She never realized how much she missed him until now.

She realized that she wasn't angry anymore. After he tried to force himself on her, she was so disgusted with him that she considered burning the leather after he had left, but she could never bring herself to actually do it. She's had a long time to think about things and she finally realized how much she had hurt him. They both did some unspeakable and unforgivable things. Neither of them were completely at fault. She felt the tears well up in her eyes as she lay on her bed curled up inside his duster and for the first time she drifted off into a full night of dreamless uninterrupted sleep.

Buffy woke up with a start. She quickly sat up and looked around. She could smell Spike's familiar scent of cigarettes, alcohol, blood and that musky smell she could never quite place. She looked down and realized she was wearing his duster and slowly began to come to her senses. She remembered putting it on last night and the comfort and feeling of peace that came with feeling so close to him.

"Buffy?" Dawn stood in Buffy's bedroom doorway glaring at her. "What are you doing and why are you wearing Spike's duster?"

"Oh. Dawn I...I guess I just felt a little down last night and put it on. I guess I'm kind of missing him." Buffy frowned then looked up at a confused and slightly angry Dawn.

"You miss him? After what he did to you?"

"Dawn, It's complicated." Buffy explained.

"God! I wish everyone would stop telling me that! I'm not stupid Buffy! I understand what's going on. I just don't understand how you could be missing someone who tried to rape you!"

"Dawn, it's not that simple. Besides, I'm the one who should be mad here.

"Then why aren't you Buffy? Why are you suddenly acting like he did nothing wrong?"

"Because I screwed up too!" Buffy exclaimed in a shaky voice. "You don't know the whole story Dawn! What he did was stupid and desperate but I wasn't treating him all that well either. I just never realized how badly until now."

"I know I don't know everything that happened between you two but when I stop and think about what he tried to do to you, it just makes me sick." She walked over to Buffy's bed and sat beside her. "I guess I just thought too much of him. I was so completely convinced that he'd changed and then Xander told me what he had done and it broke my heart. I couldn't even imagine that he would do something like that. I guess it kind of destroyed my faith in him and now I'm not even sure if I'd want to see him if he ever decided to come back."

"I get that. I do." Buffy sighed. "But I'm not sure you even have to worry about that anyway. It's been so long since he's left and I haven't heard one crumb of information about what happened to him. I'm starting to think he may never be coming back."

"So, when is Willow coming back?" Dawn asked, trying to change the subject.

"I talked to Giles last week. According to him, she should be back any day now."

Willow walked through a nearby Sunnydale park not exactly sure where she should go. She knew that Buffy would welcome her but she was afraid. She had begun to forgive herself for her actions but she still wasn't sure how her friends would react. Part of her knew that she would be forgiven but another part of her thought she didn't deserve to be.

She sat down on a park bench and tried to decide what her next move would be. She jumped up when she heard a nearby scream. She tried to figure out where it was coming from. She could tell it was close. She stayed perfectly quiet and still waiting for more sounds that would clue her in. She started to hear whimpers and moans and slowly followed the cries. There was some movement in a dark corner surrounded by trees. She cautiously stepped closer until she saw someone's head peaking out from the shadows. The moonlight shined on the unmistakable peroxide blond hair and she immediately realized who it was that was crouched, shaken and curled up into a ball on the ground.

"Spike?"

To Be Continued....

Chapter 2:

"Spike?" Willow stepped closer to the vampire and began to reach out to him.

He whimpered and pulled back from her as if he thought she was going to hurt him.

"Spike, it's ok. It's me...Willow."

"Red?" He carefully lifted his head to examine the person standing before him.

"Yes, Spike it's me. Did someone hurt you?"

Spike suddenly stood up so abruptly that it startled Willow enough to make her take a few steps backward. He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes fast enough so that she wouldn't realize that he was actually crying, but after hearing his whimpers there was just no hiding it.

"I'm all right Red. I'm fine...Really. I'll see you around ok."

"Spike! Wait! What's wrong with you? What happened? Something obviously had you spooked. Just tell me what it is."

"It's nothing. I'm fine. It's something you couldn't possibly understand." Spike started to walk away but stopped when Willow yelled out again.

"Try me!"

"You've been good all your life. Sure, you've made your mistakes as humans often do but you've never tasted my side of evil. You'd be clueless to what I feel."

Spike started to walk away again but Willow quickly caught up with him and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"What now?" he growled. "I told you I can't talk to you about this."

"Geez Spike, I knew you left town but I didn't think that you would have been completely clueless."

"What are you talking about?"

"Spike, I know we've never really talked but I've done some things...evil things. A lot happened after you left. I have tasted your side of evil. So I may be able to understand what it is that's going on with you better than you think."

"All right. I'll bite." Spike sauntered over to a nearby park bench and sat down. Willow followed and took a seat beside him. "You tell me what you've done that you think is so evil and I'll consider telling you what had me so spooked."

Willow noticed that the entire time they had talked so far, that he had not once looked her in the eye. He avoided it at all costs as if there were something in his eyes he didn't want anyone to see.

She began by telling him about Warren coming after Buffy in the backyard with a gun. She explained how she was shot but assured him that she was all right before he could even get the question in. He listened while she described in gruesome detail the way that she was forced to watch Tara die and how, even though she tried, there was no way of getting her back. She paused quite a few times during her story to take a deep breath and try to stop her voice from shaking.

Spike sat there, listening to her, trying to take in this huge load of information that she was giving him. She told him about the rage and despair she felt when she decided to go after Warren and the others. She winced as she described the look on Warren's face when she pierced his chest with a bullet and how he plead for his life. She described the feeling of satisfaction she had felt when she had peeled off his skin so easily with her black magicks and watched him burn up into nothingness in front of her and her friends and the horrid smell that filled the air afterwards. She then told him about the months she had just spent with Giles in England where she tried to get her life back together. She described the endless therapy sessions and how she would lock herself away for days at a time to just cry and scream and wish all of these memories away. The only thing that kept her even remotely sane during that entire time was the thought of Tara. She knew that it would break her heart to see her like this and each and every day that she lived, she lived for Tara. She tried not to fall apart because she knew in her heart that even though Tara was gone that she was still out there somewhere, watching over her and she wanted to make sure not to disappoint Tara by letting her watch her life fall apart.

Spike was stunned speechless. He was still avoiding her gaze and looked down toward the grass as he tried to soak in everything he had just heard. He couldn't believe that Willow was capable of something like that. She was always so sweet and good but he understood all too well what losing someone you loved could make you do.

"I'm sorry luv...about Tara." He finally spoke. "I know how much you loved her. She was a sweet girl. I liked her a lot." His voice cracked as he spoke those last words and Willow saw him wipe his eyes with the back of his hand.

She looked at him but didn't say anything. Was he crying? Crying for her? Crying for Tara? She had only seen him like this once before. When Buffy died he was a total wreck. That's when she realized how very deeply he loved her. She always doubted his love for her because she just couldn't imagine a vampire feeling true emotion for anyone but he had always seemed different in that way. But this time something was off. She could understand his emotional breakdown over Buffy but this was different. Seeing him whimpering on the ground like a scared puppy. Seeing him empathize with her. She knew that something had changed. She put her hand on top of his and he turned his head toward her but still avoided her eyes.

"I do know how you feel, pet. When I lost Buffy it was like the world had come to a screeching halt. I was just about to ask one of you scoobies to stake me good and proper until I remembered a promise I made to her. I told her I would look after Dawn and that's what I did. My every moment was spent looking after that girl and when I wasn't doing that I would come visit Buffy at her grave and talk to her. I told her that I was trying to do right by her, and every time, I would try to explain that while searching for her in the stars. Then I would cry and tell her how very sorry I was that I couldn't save her and how much I wish she were there with me, even if she was just beating me up. I wouldn't have cared if she had risen in her grave just to stake me as long as I got to see her one last time. Everything I did after that was for her. I wanted to be noble and good and everything she would want me to be. That's what you have to do, pet. Be the girl that Tara fell in love with and just do right by her and then someday you can be together again."

"Thanks Spike." Willow smiled "As strange as it may be, you've actually made me feel a lot better about Tara. You're right. I just have to continue to be all the things she saw in me that she found to be so special. If I can do that, then she'll always be in my heart."

Spike finally looked into her eyes and she felt a jolt. She took in a quick breath as she searched to find what it was that was different in his eyes. He noticed her shocked expression and quickly looked away.

"Spike, What happened to you? Something is different. I can see it. I can feel it."

Spike sighed and locked eyes with her once again. She searched his face for answers but only saw a blank stare. He looked off past her shoulder as if he were contemplating how much he should actually tell her.

"When I left, I went to Africa."

"Africa? What for?"

"I don't know if you know about this but I did something really stupid toward Buffy and that's why I left."

"What did you do?" She looked panicked and feared his answer.

"I was just so desperate for her to love me. For a while I thought she might but I guess I was wrong and now she'll never trust me again." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I was trying to force her to admit she loved me and things kind of got out of hand."

"How out of hand?" She asked.

"I thought if we were together again that she would feel something for me again. I was so stupid."

"Did you rape her?" Willow asked his horror filled eyes.

"No!" he screamed. "But the truth is, I was so crazed that if she hadn't of kicked me away, I don't know what I might have done. So I left for Africa. I left so I could be the man she wanted me to me, the kind of guy she deserves. I went through tests. I fought to the death a couple times and I had insects crawling through my insides. I was strong enough to pass every test he threw at me. I would have done anything to get what I wanted. I would have done anything to win."

"Well, what did you win?" She asked still looking confused.

"My soul!"

Willow's jaw dropped. She was speechless. She finally knew what it was that she saw in his eyes. For the first time in months she completely forgot about all her troubles and surrounded herself with his.

"She probably won't ever love me with or without a soul, but I had to try. I had to do everything I could to try to be with her. All I want in the world is for her to love me back. In the end I'll probably realize that I did this for nothing because I know deep down that she could never feel for me what I want her to. But I'd never be able to go on if I didn't at least try."

"You have to tell her, Spike, you have to let her know. Does she even know that you're here?"

"No. She doesn't know yet. I haven't seen her. I'm afraid to. After I got my soul back I've had these constant reminders of the horrible things I've done. I'll have nightmares about it or they'll just pop into my head all of a sudden. I see in graphic detail all the poor innocent people that I've slain and my mind just can't handle it. I'll have breakdowns out of nowhere. They are the same every time. I'll end up crouched down in a corner somewhere screaming and crying and trying to push the images away. That's what was happening when you found me and that's why I have to keep my distance. I don't want her to see me like that."

"But you have to tell her. You can't keep this from her. How do you expect her to be able to trust you again if you keep hiding things from her? You've come this far, you can't turn back now. You did all of this for her and life is too short to let fear stop you. Trust me...I know."

"I'll tell her." Spike said in all seriousness. "When the time is right, I'll tell her everything."

To Be Continued...

Chapter 3:

The next night, Willow walked into Spike's crypt just minutes before sunset. She climbed down the ladder and found him lying on his bed in nothing but his black jeans. She walked over to him and poked him in the shoulder.

"Spike!" She poked him again but he didn't even stir. "Spike!" she yelled even louder this time and grabbed his shoulders and started to shake him.

He sat up with his eyes only half open and his hair plastered to one side of his head. Willow tried to hide her amusement at his disheveled appearance.

"Willow?" he shot her a confused gaze and shook his head trying to get back to reality.

"Yeah, come on get dressed."

"For what?" he asked, still kind of grumpy.

"We're going to the Magic Box. I went to Xander's last night after we talked and I told him I wanted him to get everybody together to meet at the Magic Box for a meeting after sunset. It's about time you show yourself and if I had told you about it sooner you'd have more time to freak out about it so I thought it was best to wait until the last minute."

"I don't think this is such a good idea, pet. Did you tell Xander I was here?"

"No way! He'd totally freak!"

"Gee that really makes me wanna see him even more," he said sarcastically.

"Sorry, but you know he's still sore about the whole Anya thing. You really can't blame him for that, can you?" She handed him a shirt and he put it on.

"No, I guess not but who's to say he won't stake me right when I walk in the door."

"He won't. I promise. That's why it's better for us to go together. I'm just as nervous about seeing everyone again as you are. Having you with me will take some of the uncomfortable feeling away from me and I can be there to stop anyone who starts flying toward you with weapons." She had that way too cheery grin on her face and he just rolled his eyes.

"Fine." He groaned. "I might as well get this over with."

Xander and Anya sat at the table after setting down some munchies for their meeting. They sat in silence but kept stealing glances at each other after Xander started holding her hand under the table. They had recently gotten back together and they were in that lovey dovey shy with each other kind of stage. It was like starting all over again.

Buffy walked in the door and took a seat across from the lovebirds.

"Hey guys." Buffy said as she grabbed some chips from the bowl on the table. "What is this meeting all about anyway? You hung up so fast I didn't even get the chance to ask."

"Actually Buff, Willow came by last night and asked me to call this meeting."

"She's back? Why didn't she call me or come see me?"

"I think she was afraid to. I can tell that the time in England really helped her a lot but I'm sure she's still having a rough time with everything. She's probably just afraid that everything will be weird with us."

"I guess you're right. I mean, a lot has changed but I've gotten past that and no matter what she will always be one of my best friends. I just want to help her. I just don't know how."

Buffy stared off into space and started to get really nervous about seeing her again. She was never really good at comforting people. She never knew exactly what to say and it seemed that most of the time, whenever she tried to help, she'd just end up saying the wrong thing. This time she planned on watching her words carefully or just keeping her mouth shut all together. She decided it's probably best to let her do the talking and just let her know that she would be there for her.

Spike and Willow walked up to the Magic Box and paused in front of the door.

"You ready?" Willow asked looking up into a nervous Spike's deep blue eyes.

"Not really, no." he admitted.

"Good." Willow sighed. "Me neither. Shall we go then?" She grabbed Spike's hand and they made their way through the door.

Buffy heard the little bell on the door ring as it opened. She stood up and saw Willow walk in with Spike right behind her.

Buffy's breath caught in her throat and her heart began to beat wildly. She couldn't believe her eyes. The man that she never thought she'd see again was suddenly there. She had imagined this moment for a long time and her daydreams always had her running toward him and wrapping her arms around him but she didn't do that. She didn't do anything. She just stood there completely dumbfounded. Her eyes traveled down and she noticed Spike and Willow holding hands. She felt a pang of jealousy and looked up at Willow. Willow noticed the confusion in her eyes so she let go of Spike's hand and stood there uncomfortably, waiting for someone to say something.

Suddenly Xander leapt up from his chair, grabbed Spike by the shirt and slammed him against the wall.

"Dammit Spike, I thought we finally got rid of you. Why can't you just stay away? No one wants you here. How could you even show your face here again after what you've done to Buffy?"

Spike stole a glance over at Buffy and as soon as they locked eyes she quickly looked away and stared down at the floor.

Xander pulled Spike forward and slammed his head into the wall.

"Xander no!" Willow yelled. "That's enough!"

Xander let go of him and faced Willow.

"I can't believe this! You're sticking up for him now! What is wrong with all you women? Am I the only one who can see that all Spike will ever be is an evil soulless monster?

Silence filled the air and Xander became enraged. Obviously no one was planning on joining his side. Not even Anya stuck up for him and that hurt more than anything. Buffy continued to stand there like a statue. She just stood there frozen as Xander grabbed his coat and headed for the door. He slammed the door so hard that some of the items on the shelves shook.

No one spoke for what felt like an eternity. Anya grabbed her coat and headed for the door.

"I better go after him." Anya said before she gave Spike an awkward glare and walked out the door.

Dawn walked toward the Magic Box and noticed an upset Anya running out the door and down the street. She strolled into the Magic Box and was about to ask what was going on when she spotted Spike and Willow. She walked up to Willow but completely ignored Spike.

"Willow, you're back." Dawn stated uncomfortably. "Um..how did everything go? Are you doing better?"

"Yeah Dawnie, I'm doing a lot better. I got a lot of help from Giles and a lot of other people in England and I just want you to know how sorry I am for everything that happened. I couldn't bare it if you hated me."

"I don't hate you." Dawn sighed. "But it's gonna take some time to get back to where we were. You said some pretty awful things to me and I just need some time before we can be friends again."

"I know Dawn. I am so sorry and I'll do anything to make it up to you. I was crazed. I swear, I didn't mean any of those things."

"I know." Dawn said and gave Willow a small smile. "I'm so sorry about Tara. We all miss her a lot."

Dawn knew she should be angrier with Willow but she loved Tara so much and in a way she understood how that could make Willow do what she did. Dawn couldn't stop thinking about finding Tara shot to death in the bedroom and not wanting to leave her there alone. She just sat there watching over her for hours until someone came home. She just huddled herself in a corner and watched over her body.

"Hey Niblet." Spike said interrupting Dawn's thoughts.

He reached out to touch her hair but Dawn backed away from him.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed.

Spike gave her a hurt look. Dawn turned to look at Buffy who was still standing in the same spot she had been since Spike first walked in the door. She walked over to Buffy.

"Buffy, I suddenly don't want to be here anymore so is it ok if I go to Janice's house."

Dawn shot a hateful glare at Spike and he looked away from her and turned toward Willow who gave him a sympathetic look.

"Sure Dawn, It's fine." She said flatly while continuing to look at the ground.

"Thanks." Dawn saw how distraught Buffy was so she leaned over and gave her a hug before quickly walking out the door.

Buffy finally looked up and her eyes traveled to Spike. He looked at her with hope in his eyes.

"Spike?" she continued to look at him as if not believing that he was really there.

Spike walked over and stood before her not exactly sure what to say. He just waited for her to take the lead. Buffy took a quick glance and Willow and then studies Spike's face. He couldn't quite read the emotion on her face. She was feeling so many things at once. But her sullen expression turned to anger and he watched her features harden. He suddenly saw disgust in her eyes as her arm swung back. She slapped him across the face so hard that stumbled back a few feet. He saw tears start to form in her eyes and she ran out the door and away from him. She just couldn't handle this right now. All these memories came flooding back to her. The attempted rape, sleeping with Anya, and most of all leaving her with no word until she got the impression that he was gone for good, just like the others.

Spike rubbed his face where he was sure Buffy had left an imprint of her hand. He sighed and looked over at Willow.

With tears rolling down his cheeks and a pain in his heart he said, "Home sweet home."

To Be Continued....

Chapter 4:

Buffy was patrolling the cemetery the night after she first saw Spike. Every vamp she encountered got beaten to a bloody pulp before she dusted them. She needed to let out some aggression. Why did he have to surprise her like that? Couldn't he have given her some kind of warning that he was back so she didn't have to deal with this in front of everyone she knew? Where was he all this time? Why was Willow with him and why the hell were they holding hands? It just didn't make sense. She knew she should have stayed around long enough to ask questions but her heart hurt too much. She missed him while he was gone but she didn't want him to know that. At least, part of her didn't want him to know. The other part wanted to hold onto him and never let go. Why did everything always have to be so complicated? Why was it that every time she made a decision she always had to consider what her friends would think first?

Buffy's brain was on overload and she suddenly found herself about twenty feet from Spike's crypt. She stared at it from a distance wondering if she should pay him a visit and ask all the questions that needed asking. She jumped when the door to his crypt opened. Oh no. Now she would have to talk to him. But it wasn't Spike that walked out... it was Willow. What the hell is going on?

"Willow?"

Buffy started walking toward her and Willow stopped dead in her tracks. She looked at Buffy as if she had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. That made Buffy nervous. She wondered if something was going on between them after all.

"Oh hi Buffy." Willow looked past her as if making sure no one else was around.

"Willow, what's going on?" Buffy asked.

"What do you mean?" Willow asked even though she knew very well what she meant.

"Well, first, you and Spike walk into the Magic Box together, holding hands no less and then I catch you walking out of his crypt. Are you two involved? Buffy inwardly cringed when she asked that question.

"What? Buffy, you think we....that we...oh my gosh! No! No! A hundred times no! Why would you think that?"

"Well, you guys did seem kind of chummy." She blushed and suddenly felt very stupid.

"Buffy, I wouldn't do that. I know that you guys were sort of ..involved and besides in case you've forgotten, I'm kind of gay now."

"I'm sorry." Buffy let out a small giggle. "I feel like such an idiot."

"That's ok. It's totally understandable but I couldn't be with anyone right now. I miss Tara so much and just the thought of being with someone else is just ridiculous to me right now. Besides, Spike would never want to be with me."

"Why not?" Buffy asked.

"Duh! Because he's in love with you silly! Spike was just helping me get through some stuff. He understands the whole being evil thing and we were just trying to help each other out. I guess we both just needed someone to talk to"

"Willow, what do you know about Spike? Where has he been all this time?"

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you that. That is something you are gonna have to ask him yourself." Willow put her hand on Buffy's shoulder and gave her an apologetic smile.

"I know. You're right. I was just trying to take the easy way out." Buffy sighed.

"You have to face him sometime Buffy. In fact, he's in his crypt right now." Willow said nodding her head toward the crypt.

Willow gave her a quick hug and walked away. Buffy watched her go with a racing heart and wobbly knees. She stood frozen and scared to death of seeing him again.

"Why am I so nervous?" she said to herself out loud.

She turned around to walk toward his crypt and gasped when she walked right into Spike.

"Hello luv." He said without a sign of his trademark smirk.

"Spike, you scared me." Buffy said slightly irritated.

"Sorry luv." Spike remembered when those words used to please him. He would get such a thrill when someone actually admitted that he frightened them especially after having that chip for so long. But that feeling was gone for good now.

"What do you want Spike?" she snapped.

He looked at her with disappointment at her coldness.

"I just....forget it. I never should have come back here."

Spike quickly walked back to his crypt and slammed the door before Buffy could even process what had just happened.

Real nice Buffy. She thought. I can't just let him walk away from me again. I can't risk him leaving for good this time. She walked over to his crypt and paused at the door. She opened the door slowly and found him sitting in his chair with his face in his hands. He looked up at her with tear filled eyes.

"Are you crying?" she asked

"Yeah, what of it?" he wiped the tears off his face and glanced back at her.

"I just don't think I've ever seen you cry before." Buffy said sadly.

"That's because I cried the most after you died. I cried so much I thought I'd run out of tears. But you weren't exactly around to see it now were you?"

Buffy felt a twinge of guilt. No one really ever spoke of how badly Spike had taken her death. She knew he blamed himself for it but his reaction was never talked about by her friends. They purposely avoided it so it must have been bad but she could tell it destroyed him. She knew deep down that taking care of Dawn was probably the only thing that kept him together.

"Buffy, I'm so sorry." He started to cry again. "What I did to you before I left was unforgivable. I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention. I was just so desperate. I just wanted you to love me so badly. The whole time we were together I became so hopeful. Every time you came to me I kept thinking that maybe there was a chance that you were actually falling in love with me. You have no idea the effect you have on me. I love you so much. I would die for you. I know you could never feel that way about me but I just wanted you to know how sorry I am. Whenever I think about that night I feel sick. I would do anything to take it back but I can't."

Spike felt his tears start to fall again and he heard Buffy sigh. She walked over and sat next to him on the arm of his chair.

"You really scared me that night." She admitted. "I've seen you change so much in the past couple years and it killed me to think that you could hurt me in that way. But I've thought about it a lot and even thought I probably shouldn't, I forgive you. But I need you to forgive me too."

"Forgive you?" he asked. "For what?"

"For using you the way I did. For playing with your mind and for making you expect things that I'm not sure I could ever give."

"I forgive you, pet. I'll always forgive you."

Buffy gave him a gentle smile. She looked into his teary eyes and felt a jolt go through her body from the love she saw in them. The feeling she saw in his eyes were more intense than it had ever been. She reached over and wrapped her arms around him in a warm embrace.

He deeply inhaled her sent and brushed his fingers over her soft hair. He couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to be able to touch her again. She pulled away from him and once again looked into his eyes. She wanted to lean over and kiss him but she resisted. She couldn't do that to him again. She couldn't lead him on. Nothing like that could ever happen again until she fully realized what it was that she felt for him. She stood up and took a few steps toward the door.

"I have to go." She said in almost a whisper. "Dawn is waiting for me. I've got to get home. I wish I could stay longer so I could grill you with questions like where the hell have you been for the past four months?"

"There is a lot I need to tell you, pet, but I guess it'll have to wait." Spike smoothed his hands through his hair and grabbed the arms of his chair in frustration.

He wanted to tell her everything right now. Get it over with. But how could he tell her something like this. Oh, by the way I went to Africa and got a soul. I did it all for you. Will you love me now? Stupid wanker.

"I'll come by within the next few days. I want to know everything." She said. Like how could you just take off like that and leave me feeling all alone, she thought, but would never dare say it out loud.

She walked toward the door and opened it. She turned her head so she was half facing him.

"I missed you." She said softly, then walked out and closed the door.

To Be Continued......

Chapter 5:

She missed me? She missed me. She really missed me. Spike lay there staring up at the ceiling of his crypt. The same thought rolling around in his head over and over again. He was almost afraid that if he stopped thinking about it that the memory would just fade away like it never happened. She missed me. He tried to make himself stop thinking of her words. He wanted to stop becoming so hopeful because deep down he knew that if he expected too much, he would just end up with a broken heart...again. He pushed the thoughts out of his head and attempted to drift off to sleep even though he knew all he would do was dream about her.

While Spike was having Buffy filled dreams, she lay in her own bed staring at her ceiling thinking about how nice it felt to let him hold her. As much as she enjoyed being around him, she could never let herself get lost in him. She saw how Xander had reacted at the Magic Box. She saw the hate in his eyes. Even Dawn was so angry that she wouldn't even speak to him. She didn't even want to be near him. Buffy wondered how she could have forgiven him so easily for the things he'd done to her when everyone else seemed so determined to hate him. She knew why. She knew she had some kind of feelings for him. She knew how she felt when she was around him and she just wanted more of that. But she couldn't let herself fall for him. Things had gotten so bad when their "relationship" first came to light. There was anger and sadness and a surprising indifference from Dawn. She was the one person who she thought would have gotten a thrill over the fact that she had been with Spike but she didn't. She talked about it with her so matter- of-factly like she didn't care either way. Why did things always have to be so messed up? Couldn't something go her way for once?



Anya heard a knock at her door. She knew it was Xander before she had even opened it. Who else would be visiting her at this hour? She felt nervous because the only time Xander came around this late at night was when something was bothering him. She was afraid they would end up fighting again. She really loved him but sometimes he was just so difficult and there was just no getting through to him.

She opened the door and just as she suspected, Xander stood in the doorway with that look of worry on his face that usually came hand in hand with another Buffy story. She wished that he would give that much care and concern when it came to her but all his energy and strength always seemed to be with Buffy instead.

"Xander, is something wrong?" she asked as she gave his shoulder a soft squeeze.

"I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What is it?" she gestured for him to come inside.

He walked into the apartment she had been staying in and sat on the sofa. With a sigh he hunched over and clasped his hands together as if trying to figure out where to begin.

"I tried to find you the other night." She spoke first. "But you ran off so quickly that I couldn't find you."

"I see, and here I thought you stayed there so you could side with Spike."

"Why would I want to side with Spike?"

"Well, no one seemed to come to my defense at the Magic Box including you and because you had that...thing with him I just thought...."

"God Xander!" She screamed. "How many times am I going to have to apologize to you for that? I want to be with you and no one else. It's always been you. I was hurt that night. I was upset and I was drunk and I wanted to get back at you for leaving me standing there all alone and having to walk back in that room in my beautiful wedding dress with red and puffy eyes and explain to everyone that the man I love doesn't want to marry me!"

"Are we back to that again?" he asked. "I told you how sorry I was for that. I didn't want to hurt you. I was just being stupid."

"Well, we can apologize to each other until we are blue in the face but it doesn't seem to be doing us any good now does it?"

"Anya, I don't want to fight anymore."

"Well, neither do I." She sighed. "But you seem to keep bringing up Spike all the time no matter how many times I tell you that it didn't mean anything. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? I'm trying to get past you leaving me at the altar, so why can't you get past this?"

"I am getting past it. I'm trying, I really am."

"Then why does it seem like you keep coming over here trying to pick a fight and why does it always have to end up being about Spike? Let me ask you something Xander. Are you this upset about me having sex with Spike or are you really upset because Buffy did?"

"What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with Buffy."

"You keep saying that but it has everything to do with Buffy. Every time we talk and every time we fight it always ends up being all about Buffy! Why can't you just let her go?"

After Xander left Anya's he began wandering around town. An hour had past and he still couldn't stop thinking about what she had said. Could it be true? Could he really still be hung up on Buffy? He realized that he was way more understanding when it came to Anya sleeping with Spike than Buffy. He knew how much he hurt Anya and that she simply found solace in Spike's arms. But what about Buffy? What did she have to gain by being with him and why did the thought of them being together tie his stomach up in knots?

Xander walked through the cemetery and decided to pay Spike a little visit. He couldn't understand what on earth could make him come back here. Did he actually think that anyone would want to see him? Xander walked into the crypt and slammed the door. He started yelling to wake Spike up, his voice booming in loud echoes throughout the crypt.

"Hey, evil dead! Wake up!"

Spike abruptly sat up in bed. If his heart could beat it would be racing. He woke up dazed and confused. He looked over at Xander and immediately searched him with his eyes to check for stakes or other weapons but he saw none.

"Harris, what the bleeding hell are you doing in my crypt?"

Spike was pissed. Xander and just come in and ruined this great dream about Buffy. All dreams about Buffy were great but this was the first dream he'd had in a long time that didn't have to do with his horrid past.

"I wanna know what you're doing here?" Xander simply asked. "I wanna know after all that happened, why you would even think about coming back?"

"I wanted to set things right. I wanted to make things better." Spike admitted.

"Well you can't. There is nothing you can possibly do to make any of this better. The only time you ever made things better is when you left!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Spike asked in just barely a whisper.

"Then why are you here?"

"Xander, what happened between me and Anya was a mistake. It never should have happened. You two were so in love with each other and even though things were already messed up with you two, I know I just made it worse."

"Are you apologizing to me?" Xander looked baffled.

"Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well....Yeah! Xander answered. "Ok so you're sorry. So what? I don't know how you can be sorry anyway without a conscience but just this once I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You both were hurt, upset and angry....yadda yadda yadda....I've heard it all before. But I still can't figure out what Buffy was doing with you."

"Buffy?" Spike looked at Xander slightly amused. "Is she what you came here for? I thought you were here to bash my head in about Anya but once again you've decided to play the role of Buffy's knight in shining armor."

Xander was stunned. Was he the only one who had never noticed his major overprotection of Buffy? Maybe Anya was right. He finally started to realize why Anya was always so upset with him. If she were constantly obsessed with the well being of some other guy, he'd be a little ticked off too.

"I'm not trying to be anyone's knight. I'm just trying to understand what happened."

"I don't understand it any better than you do Harris. All I was doing was trying to help her get through this hell called life. Everyone else was smothering her with concern and I seemed to be the only one that she could be honest with. Next thing I knew she was kissing me. So sweetly, so gentle, then rough and passionate. There was this unmistakable fire between us and...."

"All right! That's enough! I don't need the graphic details." Xander interrupted.

"A little jealous are we?" Spike asked with just a hint of his famous smirk.

"Of you? Never!"

"Ya know, I think I finally figured you out."

"Oh great. I can't wait to hear this one." Xander sat down across from Spike and started to make himself comfortable. "Ok wise one. What is this revelation you have about me?"

"That no one will ever be good enough for Buffy where you're concerned. No one but you of course."

Xander didn't hide his look of irritation but he continued to listen anyway.

"Think about it. You never liked any of Buffy's boyfriends, not that I would actually consider myself in that group but any guy she was ever with never made the cut with you. Isn't that right?"

Xander didn't answer him. He just glared at Spike silently fuming. He couldn't think of the words to tell him off with because deep down he knew he was right.

"You even resented Riley didn't you?" Spike continued. "You played the part of the friend all the while wishing it were more. With Riley you felt like you had to pretend to be his buddy. Had to pretend to like him because he was actually this stand up guy who didn't have a demon inside him that you could use to convince her of some huge mistake she was making. You say you're in love with Anya but everything you do always seems to be all about Buffy. Doesn't it?"

Xander was enraged. Spike words cut him deep because they were the truth. He just never saw it before. He hated Angel, he did resent Riley and he definitely couldn't stand Spike. He knew Spike had done some noble things where Buffy was concerned but he would never let himself give Spike any sort of respect no matter what he did.

"You are totally off base and out of line Spike." Xander lied. "The truth is that Buffy would never want to be with you. You are a disgusting monster and after what you did to her she would never ever forgive you."

"Too late for that. She already has forgiven me. Hugged me even. Said she missed me." Spike said proudly. "She even asked for my forgiveness. Turned out she actually felt bad for hurting me."

"She wouldn't do that. Xander said, his anger building. I saw her crying on the bathroom floor that night. I saw the bruise on her leg. She would never forgive you. I was all prepared to do you in that night. Did you know that? I wanted to fetch my stake and jab it right through your unbeating heart."

"So why didn't you?" Spike asked curiously.

"Because she stopped me." Xander gritted his teeth at the thought.

Spike chuckled.

"And why do you think that is?"

To Be Continued....

Personal Note: I just wanted to thank everyone who has left a review. Your comments mean the world to me. Thank You!!!

Chapter 6:

Xander couldn't believe how he let Spike get to him. What made him think that he was so insightful? Spouting out opinions about him as if he actually knew him. Please, Spike wouldn't know a real human emotion if it jumped out and staked him. These thoughts of denial claimed Xander's brain trying to replace the thought that every single syllable that came out of Spike's mouth was the gospel truth. After he finally gave into the harsh truths of Spike's words, Xander spent the rest of his sleepless night trying to find a way to make things up to Anya.

Willow awoke from a wonderful dream about Tara slightly before the sun had risen. It was one of those dreams that had made you feel so warm and happy inside that when you woke up all you felt was calm and peaceful. Then reality set in once again when she realized that it was in fact only a dream and that Tara was really gone. Tears cascaded down her face and she buried her head in her pillow as she sobbed.

Willow spent the rest of the day sulking in bed. She felt no reason to get up or get dressed. The love of her life was gone now and things would never be the same again. How could she go on knowing that she would never again see the love in Tara's eyes or the looks that she gave her that made her feel like the most special person on earth? When you grieve, every day is supposed to get a little bit better, so then why did these feelings seem to be getting worse?

Willow finally decided to get out of the bed that Joyce Summers had once occupied. She was so grateful that Buffy had let her come back and stay with them. After everything that had happened she never thought that she would be forgiven. She never fully realized how wonderful her friends really were. For them to forgive her for her sins and continue to help her cope was priceless. She really loved each and every one of them but even that didn't seem to be enough to drag her out of her depression. To be without Tara was to try and live without breath. It was almost impossible to function on a daily basis and every time she smiled or felt happy even for a second, she couldn't help but feel guilty. How could she let herself feel any kind of happiness knowing that Tara was gone forever?

She finally decided that maybe it would make her feel better to go visit her at her grave for a while. She desperately needed to talk to Tara and knew deep down in her heart that she would hear every word. She walked across the moonlit cemetery and stopped when she saw the large tree that stood beside her grave. It was a willow tree. She had purposely picked that spot as if it would somehow bond them together even when they couldn't be. She started walking closer to the grave but once again stopped when she spotted Spike sitting on the ground in front of it, curled up with his knees toward his chin. She could tell he was talking but couldn't make out the words so she got a little closer but hid herself out of view.

"...so that's how I got my soul, he said. I did it for her you know. She forgave me....for hurting her, even though I bloody well don't deserve it. She actually said she missed me, can you believe that? I almost felt my heart start beating when she said it. She probably still won't ever love me but I don't regret what I've done. Even though this bloody soul hurts like hell, it makes me feel like more of a man. Hopefully the kind of man that Buffy would some day want to be with but I won't hold my breath, not that it would matter much since I don't have to breathe, he babbled. Anyway, enough about me. Willow really misses you. I can really see the pain in her eyes when she thinks about how she's lost you. All of this is just really unfair. You had your troubles but you two always seemed so happy together. You were meant to be. I always thought that. Of course it's this soul that is making me actually admit it out loud. Otherwise I would have just kept it to myself in fear of sounding like a bloody poof."

Spike suddenly heard a rustling sound mixed with the faint sound of laughter. He turned around to see Willow standing behind him.

"Willow....how long have you been here?" he asked.

"Oh, since right before Buffy forgave you all the way through bloody poof." She smiled.

"I was trying to have a private conversation here, Red."

"Sorry." Willow sat down beside him. "I was just coming here to have a little chat with Tara myself. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just couldn't help myself."

"That's ok. I didn't say anything you haven't heard me say before."

"Well, except for you thinking that Tara and I were made for each other. I never knew you felt that way."

"Yeah, well I do." He looked down shyly and started playing with the grass. "Every time I saw you two together, I couldn't help but wish that someone would love me like that someday. It was different with me and Dru. We spent a lifetime together but I still don't think she ever loved me the way I loved her. I think she was just overly lacking in the sanity department to really know what she wanted. I knew she wasn't completely devoted to me and I was constantly reminded of that every time Angelus was around. She dumped me like yesterday's trash when he came around again, like the past century meant nothing. But it was different with you and Tara. You birds had the kind of relationship where you'd never want to be with anyone else but each other. I admire that." He looked at her with a respectful smile. "All I ever wanted was the kind of love that you two had. After 128 years you'd think it would have at least happened once but I'm starting to think that it just wasn't meant to be."

Willow studied him sadly. She had never really thought about it that way. She had never realized that Spike was never completely loved by another. What she had with Tara made her feel extremely lucky, even though their time together was cut short. Her heart ached for Spike. It must be horrible to think that you will never get the chance to have that kind of love. She could tell he loved with his whole heart and never having that love fully returned must be devastating.

"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone to have your chat" Spike stood up.

"Thanks Spike. I'll stop by your crypt for a while after I talk to Tara. Is that ok?"

"Sure pet. We can talk more if you like."

Spike returned to his crypt and left Willow and Tara their privacy under the willow tree.

"Hey Tara." Willow greeted. "Things are so hard without you here with me. I really don't know how I've lasted this long. I miss you more than you could ever possibly imagine. I want you to know that I am doing well with the magicks. I've gone completely cold turkey this time. I know I've said that before and look what happened. But this time I truly mean it. No magical supplies will ever touch my hands. No chants will ever come from my lips. Never again. I love you too much for that. Spike was right; I have to do right by you. I have to make you proud."

Willow sat by the grave in silence after that as if awaiting a response. She just felt so comfortable there that she couldn't bring herself to leave yet. She felt warm and comforted as if Tara was right there with her.

Xander arrived at Anya's door with a bouquet of red roses and an apologetic smile. Anya wasn't sure what he was up to. She figured he just felt guilty and wanted to come over for some make-up sex.

He led her over to the couch while remaining silent. She sat down and he held her hands in his own while he sat down next to her on the edge of the sofa. He looked into her eyes and swept a strand of hair away from her face. She smiled at his gentleness.

"You know I love you right?" he finally spoke.

"Well, yeah I used to think so but..." Her voice faded.

"Well I do. I thought a lot about what you said and I understand why you were so angry with me. I do spend too much of my time and energy on Buffy. It's just that we've been friends for a really long time and I just don't want to see her get hurt."

"Xander, if you really love her I don't want you wasting your time on me. I promise I won't punish you by the way of vengeance. I'm over that now. But I don't want you to pretend to want to be with me if you really want to be with her."

"I don't want to be with Buffy. I want to be with you. There was a part of me that was afraid that I may still be hung up on her but every time I tried to let myself think about being with her, I just kept thinking about you. I love her. She's my friend but that's all she is. I couldn't bare it if I thought I lost you again."

With that he gave her hand a soft squeeze and lowered himself to the floor on one knee.

"You mean the world to me. I love you with everything I am and I was stupid to have ever had any doubts about us. I realize I'm not my father and never will be. My parents have a horrible relationship and it kills me to see how my father treats my mother. But that's not me and I won't let that stop me ever again from wanting to be with the one girl that has made me happier than I ever thought I could be. Anya, will you please marry me?"

Tears formed in Anya's eyes. She tried to stop herself from crying but finally gave up and let the tears fall.

"Are you sure Xander? Do you really mean it this time? Cause I couldn't handle having my heart broken by you twice."

"I've never been more sure of anything in all my life. I promise you that." Xander gave her a sincere smile. "I will never let you down ever, ever again. I want to be with you forever. I couldn't even imagine a life without you."

"If that's what you really feel, then YES! Yes of course I want to marry you!" she exclaimed.

She gave him a hug and held on so tight he thought she'd never let go. He pulled back from her just far enough to give her a very sensual slow and lingering kiss. She pulled back from him and looked at him with a very serious expression.

"There is just one little problem Xander."

"What is it?" he asked, his tone worried.

"This time, I want to have a small wedding. Without all the relatives."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."



Spike sat in his favorite chair in his crypt trying to figure out a way to tell Buffy everything that had happened to him since he left. Should he just come out and say it? Should he start slow and give her every little detail first? Or should he just let her do the talking and answer her questions as they come?

He jumped a little as the door to his crypt opened and interrupted his thoughts. Buffy walked in looking a little nervous.

"Hey." She greeted him with a small smile. "Is it a good time for us to have that talk now?"

"Sure pet." He answered. "You know I always have time for you."

She sat down near him and took a deep breath trying to slow her heart rate down but it didn't work. She was a bundle of nerves and had no idea where this conversation was going to lead.

"So, where have you been all this time and why did you just leave like that? You didn't even let anyone know."

Spike sighed. He was relieved that Buffy was taking charge in this because he never would have known where to start.

"To answer your first question, I went to Africa. As for your second, who would I have told? In case you've forgotten everybody hated me, including you. I didn't even think it would have mattered to you that I left. I thought you would have been delighted to have me gone."

"First of all I didn't hate you. And as for being glad you took off, you couldn't have been more wrong. I did miss you Spike. You can't have someone be around as much as you have and not miss them when they're gone."

Spike was thrilled but tried not to show it. He didn't want her to see him grin like a bloody git. These crumbs of acceptance that she was tossing his way mean more to him than he would have liked. He didn't want to give himself the wrong impression again so he tried to bury his giddy feelings deep down and hoped they wouldn't resurface.

"What was in Africa? She asked, knocking him out of his dreamlike state.

"After what I'd done to you, I was disgusted with myself. I didn't fit in anywhere. I could never be the man you needed me to be and I knew I could never again be the monster that I was. Things needed to change. I....I was...Oh God."

He stood up suddenly and Buffy noticed a look of pain on his face.

"Oh God please not now!" he screamed in agony.

Spike crumpled to the floor with his head in his hands and started steadily rocking back in forth from a curled up position in the dark corner he had slumped into. Screams of pain and anguish escaped his lips, which turned into sobs. Buffy watched as tears invaded his face and whimpers escaped his throat.

"Spike what's happening?" she asked in a panic. "What should I do?"

She crouched down next to him and reached out to touch him but pulled back in fear. She started to cry, not knowing what else to do.

The door to the crypt suddenly whipped open and Willow came running in. She saw Spike slumped to the ground just as she had seen him that first night she returned from England.

Buffy stood up and looked at her. Her eyes pleading for help.

Willow knelt down beside Spike and wrapped her arms around him. She rubbed his back, trying to get him to calm down.

"Its ok, it's ok." She whispered to him.

Buffy felt that pang of jealousy hit her in the gut once again. Why couldn't she let herself be that way with him? It should be her down there soothing him, not Willow. She suddenly felt completely helpless.

"Oh God." He cried. "There was a little girl. I slit her throat. I've got blood on my hands." He continued rocking back and forth, tears still flooding from his eyes.

Buffy's eyes widened. She stared at him in horror as the realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She suddenly remembered everything that Angel had gone through and this was no different.

"Oh my God!" Buffy's hand shot up toward her mouth and tears started to once again form in her eyes.

She bolted out the door, desperately trying to catch her breath. She landed hard on her knees in the grass. With her face in her hands she uncontrollably sobbed. She felt completely horrified and touched at the same time. She knew he did all of this for her.

After Willow finally calmed Spike down she went outside to look for Buffy. She spotted her right away. She was still on her knees.

When Buffy spotted Willow she stood up and walked over to her. Willow looked at Buffy and her reddened face and puffy eyes.

"What has he done?" Buffy asked. "He has a soul doesn't he?"

Willow nodded.

"Are you ok Buffy?"

Buffy looked down. Confusion and fear were written all over her face.

"I might as well fill you in." Willow said. "He went to Africa to get his soul. He knew someone that could help him. He had to endure all these awful tests to get what he wanted. He only wanted you to be happy. Buffy, you need to go see him."

"I....I can't. How can I go in there knowing that he did all this for me? He's in there right now curled up in a ball, crying his eyes out, remembering every single awful thing he has done throughout his entire life and it's killing him. How can I look him in the face knowing that I did that to him? I can't do it. It's just too much."

Buffy ran off leaving a bewildered Willow and a tormented Spike behind.

To Be Continued....

Personal note: I was really nervous about this chapter for some reason. I really hope it turned out ok. Please let me know what you thought.

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