Chapter 17

The bell above the door clanged as Buffy entered the Magic Box and everyone turned wide eyes to her and she practically ran into the store. She was breathless as Willow stood and rounded the table. "Buffy? What's wrong?" She asked.

Buffy stopped and took a deep breath before releasing it. "Have you seen Spike?"

"No. He was with you last we saw him," Willow said.

"Oh." Buffy said before making her way to the table and sitting down. "We found Xander in Spike's crypt," she panted. "He's chained up or he was when I left."

"Is he okay?" Anya asked, excitedly as she stood.

Buffy looked at her briefly before nodding her head. "He was out cold when I left," she said as she glanced at the others. "He's chained so hopefully it will hold him until we can get back there."

"Good work, Buffy," Giles said as he stood and closed several books in front of him. "We need to talk with him and see if he can shed any light on what is happening before he's too far gone to help us."

"Good luck," Buffy mumbled.

"What was that?" Giles asked as he looked over at her.

Buffy smiled slightly before shaking her head. "Nothing," she said.

"Um, Buffy?" Dawn said quietly as she looked at her sister. "Where's Spike?"

Buffy turned her head to look at her and sighed heavily before her shoulders slumped. "I don't know."

"What happened?" Dawn asked, worriedly.

Buffy told them of the run in with Xander and of Spike's hasty retreat. She sat and watched as they formed a plan to deal with Xander, as her mind wandered constantly to Spike. She had looked for him for almost an hour before heading to the Magic shop. She knew her priorities had shifted and she mentally smacked herself for not tending to the Xander situation first, but Spike was alone and human now. Although she knew he could take care of himself she couldn't help but worry. The look on his face when he walked away left no room for doubt that he was upset, about what, she didn't know.

As the gang headed out of the store, Buffy looked around as she stepped out on the street. Her need to search for Spike was strong but the constant reassurance from the others that he would be fine let her know that they needed her now. As she headed down the street behind them, she felt her eyes tear up at the possibility of Spike being hurt or worse. How he managed to squirm his way into her heart so quickly she'd never know. One thing was for sure - as soon as the Xander crisis was over she was going to kick Spike's ass for making her worry so much.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy watched from the shadows of the crypt as Giles and Willow questioned Xander. He wasn't so much answering their questions as he was taunting them. Who said the undead didn't have a sense of humor? They had tried for over half an hour to get some response out of him but so far all they had managed to get was a gory retelling of what Xander would do to them once he was loose. Anya had taken it the hardest. She did nothing but apologize to Xander for messing up the spell.

"Are you okay?"

Buffy looked to her right, smiling slightly as Dawn looked at her. "Yeah, I will be."

"He'll be okay."

"I know," Buffy said as she glanced back at Xander. "Once they figure out what he said, they can undo the spell."

"I wasn't talking about Xander."

Buffy looked back at Dawn and the tiny smile covering her sister's face said it all. She was talking about Spike. "I don't know what happened," she whispered. "He looked so - lost when he left. He wouldn't even let me touch him."

"I don't know what to tell you," Dawn said, quietly. "But I know Spike. I'm sure he's fine."

"I know." The fact that Spike had practically run out of the crypt didn't confuse Buffy as much as the look on his face when he did. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere other than there with her. She'd be lying if she said it didn't hurt. She wasn't sure what was going on in his head and she wouldn't know until she found him. Looking back over at the others when Xander laughed, she sighed heavily before sliding down the stone wall and sitting down. She wasn't sure how much longer she could stay here and watch Xander purposely not answer their questions when Spike was out there somewhere, possibly hurt.

"Again, do you remember what you said while Anya was performing the spell?"

Xander looked at Giles as his repeated question was once again asked. He sighed dramatically before pulling on the chains that held him to the wall. "What makes you think I'm ever going to answer you? Your lovesick slayer has chained me to a wall and left me half starved. I'm not the same ole' helpful guy I use to be G-Man," he growled out. "I'm hungry and I'm not saying anything until I'm fed. Now since Anya got me into this mess I think she should be the first to donate. What do you think, honey?"

Anya looked at his smiling face and the tears she had been holding back finally slipped quietly from her eyes. Watching him like this was beyond horrible. It wasn't the fact that the spell had gone so wrong, it was that there was very little of her Xander left. The thing chained to the wall was mean-spirited and snarky. At lot like Spike, she realized. No wonder Spike was such an ass most of the time. He just couldn't help himself. "Xander, I'm really sorry this happened. I did the spell right. Whatever you said changed it. As soon as we know what went wrong, we can fix it all. We can get you back to yourself."

Xander stared at her before his smile slowly vanished. His head leaned to one side and his body went still as she stared up at him. "What makes you think I want you to fix this?"

Everyone took turns looking from each to the other as his words filled the quiet space of the crypt. The thoughts of him not wanting to be changed back never even crossed their minds. They just assumed he'd want to be rid of the demon and be human again. That thought brought with it the thoughts of Spike and what he wanted. Would he want to be a vampire again or stay human? He would be able to live in the sun and be a productive member of society if they left him as he was now, but was that something he wanted?

The room grew quiet as everyone tried to digest what Xander had just said and the questions that only Spike could answer were left dangling in the air like some long forgotten ghost. What did Spike want and would they be able to erase Xander's demon and keep Spike's humanity if he chose to stay human?

~*~

Questioning Xander had been the most grueling thing Buffy had had to witness in a long time. It wasn't the time it took but the amount of patience it took for everyone to put up with him. It reminded Buffy a lot of Spike in a weird sort of way. It was like listening to Spike smart off at the mouth but the voice didn't match. It didn't take long for everyone to figure out that it was just the demon talking. Once cornered or threatened it did the only thing it could given its current situation - fight back anyway it could.

Buffy had finally left them all at Spike's crypt, with plans to meet them back at her house. No matter how badly they needed information from Xander, the other demons that populated Sunnydale weren't going to take a breather just because the slayer needed a break. She spent half the night searching for Spike and killing the occasional demon or vampire she came across, before she would run home to see if Spike had shown up. It was nearly two AM before she finally headed home for good. It was useless to keep searching, when he apparently didn't want to be found.

Willow had briefed her on what they learned from Xander, which was close to nothing. He wouldn't tell them anything. They had finally decided to just let him be and hoped he would come to his senses before too long. Giles had stayed in the crypt, grumbling and complaining that spending the night in Spike's crypt wasn't his idea of fun but until they could get Xander back to Buffy's and securely chained to the wall there, they had no choice. The thoughts of just leaving him there alone, chained to the wall, all trussed up like a gift for any monster who passed by had sent Anya into a panic. Giles had only agreed to baby-sit, just to get her insistent crying to stop. So, the girls had all crashed at Buffy's still going over the spell and waiting for Buffy or Spike to return.

As Buffy had finally said goodnight to everyone, she slowly made her way up the stairs to her room as the others went to bed. Tears were biting at her eyes and she had to take several deep breaths to calm herself. She had promised herself not to get too worked up over Spike's disappearance but it took every bit of her strength. She was worried. He was alone and human and the sun had set hours ago. Anything could have happened to him.

Closing the door to her room softly behind her, she sighed heavily before walking to her bed and turning on the small lamp on the bedside table and sitting down. She stared at the wall in front of her before her shoulders slumped and the first silent tear fell. She hated admitting to anyone how scarred she was. She hated admitting it to herself. Her being this scarred for Spike's safety meant she cared for him more than she left herself believe.

She wiped the tears off her face as she heard someone walk up to her door. She put on a fake smile as she heard the doorknob turn. She stood as it opened and her eyes widened when the small lamp in her room illuminated the peroxide blonde locks on his head before Spike walked in and shut the door behind him. Buffy felt all the air in her lungs rush out in one heavy sigh before her eyes once again clouded with unshed tears.

They both just stood there staring at each other before Buffy finally smiled, hesitantly before taking a slow step toward him and stopping. She wasn't sure what he was thinking and running to him and wrapping herself around him seemed somehow silly but it took everything in her not to do just that. Instead, she widened her smile before speaking softly. "Are you okay?" Spike nodded his head and looked at anything but her. "I was worried about you," Buffy said before taking another small step toward him.

"Why?" Spike asked, finally looking up. "Because I'm a weak pathetic human who can't take care of myself?"

Buffy heard the harsh tone of his voice and just stared at him. She watched as his shoulders slumped and he hung his head as he stood there. She looked at his face and noticed the whole right side was one big bruise. Blues and blacks colored his cheek from just below his eye all the way to his jaw. It was puffy and looked painful. Her feet were taking her across the floor before she even had time to ask herself if he would want her to.

Spike watched her feet come into view before he slowly lifted his face to her. The look on her face was one he didn't think he'd ever see from her, directed at him. Her eyes were glassy with tears and he knew the answer to the question he had been asking himself all day. She did care. He reached out slowly, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her to him before he buried his face into the silky softness of her hair. "I'm sorry."

Buffy smiled as she pressed her cheek to his chest and her eyes closed as she heard the gently thumping of his heart as it beat softly in his chest. The gentle rise and fall of his chest as he took each precious breath caused the tears she had held to slowly slip from her closed eyes. Her arms wrapped around him and she inhaled his scent before holding him to her so he couldn't get away. She never wanted to have to spend another day worrying about him like she had earlier. The fact that she worried about him and wondered if he'd return had made her question her feelings for him. He had asked her the night he became human if she loved him. At the time she didn't think so, but now she wasn't so sure. Did she love him? Is that why she was never able to let anyone or anything kill him, herself included? Had she, somewhere deep down, been in love with Spike and just denied it? She smiled before lifting her head and looking at him when he raised his head to look at her. "I'm glad you came back."

Spike reached up, brushing a stray strand of her hair out of her eyes before leaning down and laying his head against hers. "Well, you know me slayer. Can't stay away from you for too long."

Buffy's smile widened. "I'm glad," she said before leaning in and kissing him softly. The feel of his lips and his scent caused her body to relax against him before she pulled back from him and looked at him. "Where have you been?"

Spike pulled back from her so he could see her. "No where," he said softly. "Just walking around thinking."

"Oh. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Spike sighed, looking away from her briefly before shaking his head. "Actually, I'd like to just crawl into bed with you and not think about it right now," he said. "That is unless my bunking privileges were only for one night."

Buffy's lips curled up into a tiny smile before she answered. "No. I liked waking up with you."

"Me too," Spike said before giving her another quick kiss.

Buffy stood there staring at him for a few minutes after he broke the kiss, before she reluctantly pulled away from him. She walked back to her bed and pulled the blankets back before turning to Spike. He was still standing in the same spot staring at her and she gave him a small smile before holding out her hand to him. She watched him as he walked to her and her heartbeat seemed to increase with every step. He looked so different now. Physically he looked exactly the same but it was like you could see his humanity peeking through. When he stopped in front of her, she stared up into his face. His skin held a slight blush to it. His eyes were the bluest she had ever seen and she didn't know why she never noticed how truly beautiful he was. She raised her hand, running her fingertips lightly on his cheek on the left side, feeling the soft texture of his skin before she looked to the right. She took in the sight of his bruised cheek, the way the light reflected off of the battered skin before pushing up on her tiptoes and placing her hands on his shoulders. Small, soft kisses were placed on the discolored patterns that marred his face. She covered every inch of battered skin before making her way to his lips. Her hands slid slowly down his arms, her fingertips lightly tracing his hands as she kissed him.

Spike watched her as she broke the kiss and stared back at him. He wasn't sure what a heart attack felt like, but he was sure it had to be close to what he was feeling now. He wondered briefly if she could hear his heart pounding in his chest as she once again leaned in and kissed him. It was more than he had ever hoped for from her. Sure they had spent plenty of time kissing and such but never like this. Never had he felt such tenderness from her.

Spike's eyes had closed the minute she started making her way down his neck and her whispered words of "I want you" nearly weakened him in the knees. His emotions were getting the better of him as he raised his hands and placed them on her face and kissed her lips like he was drinking from a fountain of fine champagne. He fought the tears that were trying to fall. He may be human but he didn't have to be a ponce and cry like some girl just because he was finally getting what he had always wanted. Buffy might not have said the words but it didn't really matter because in that moment he felt it. She loved him whether she wanted to admit it or not. He could feel it in every soft kiss, the way her fingers gently played with the skin just under his shirt and the warmth of her body pressed up against his. When he opened his eyes once she broke the kiss he could see it. The tenderness in the way she looked at him, the fresh tears filling her eyes and the in the smile that he had never before seen on her face. If she never said it out loud, he would know. He would know that Buffy loved him.

Chapter 18

The sounds from downstairs slowly drifted into the room and Buffy frowned as she opened her eyes and realized she had to get up. There was too much to do to spend the day tucked away in bed no matter how much she wanted to. The arm that was draped loosely across her waist brought an instant smile to her face and she wiggled her body back against Spike, where he was spooned against her. He pulled her closer to his body as he slept, and she listened to him make unintelligible sounds before she relaxed against him. The warmth of his body wrapped around her like a soft glove and she sighed at how right it felt. Being here, wrapped in his arms like this seemed so right, she had to wonder why she had fought him so hard. All the time she had wasted hating him seemed like some forgotten memory now as everything seemed so perfect.

She closed her eyes, smiling as she remembered the night before. The soft gentle kisses that had lead to kisses so passionate she forgot how to breathe. The sight of his body as she slowly undressed him and the taste of his skin as she explored every inch of him with her mouth and tongue. The feel of his naked body pressing hers into the mattress and the care he took in loving her. She had never felt anything like she did when Spike had made love to her. It was like some distant dream that she had woken from and couldn't make sense of it all. Images clouded her mind in fragments of naked flesh, gasps of breath and whispered promises until the world exploded around them in multicolored prisms of light. It was - amazing.

She brought his hand to her face, kissing his knuckles softly before holding his arm close to her chest and feeling him move behind her. She smiled as his breath ghosted across her neck as he placed a small kiss against her skin. She could feel the evidence of his mood pressed into her backside and she wiggled her body closer to his, before she heard him moan softly. "Good morning," Buffy said as her smile grew.

"Morning, luv." Spike smiled into her hair as he pulled her body closer to his. He inhaled the scent of her as he let his hand slip from hers and run down the length of her body. The gentle curve of her hip and thigh was traced softly as he placed small kisses on her neck and shoulder. She sighed softly before he felt her body go slack against him and she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. Their lips met in a brush of wet, open mouth kisses and they both felt positively drunk at all the sensations. It was perfect. As Spike's hand ran over Buffy's thigh and lifted it, draping it over his own, Buffy broke the kiss before looking at him. "I really hate to kill the mood but I don't think we should rush things this morning."

Spike stared at her and tried to keep his face neutral, even though he felt her rejection like a dagger straight to his heart. He smiled best he could before giving her a small nod of his head and letting her go. He turned and lay back down, staring up at the ceiling and closing his eyes hoping she wouldn't see his pain. Being human had its benefits but the first downside Spike could see, was all the poncy emotions that went along with it. It was damn depressing.

Buffy could tell she had hurt him. Small frown lines formed between his eyes and his body had stiffened before he had let her go. She sighed as she watched him sit up and throw his legs over the side of the bed. She was on her knees with her arms around his neck before he could stand. "Don't."

"Don't what?" Spike asked, quietly.

"Don't leave thinking I don't want you."

Spike sighed heavily before letting his shoulders slump. He closed his eyes as he felt her lean her body against his back and just the feel of her naked flesh pressed into him caused his already willing body to react to her. "I wasn't thinking," he said. "I know the Scoobies will be wondering what we're up to if we don't get downstairs soon."

"That's not why I said no."

"Then why did you," Spike asked quietly as he turned his head to look at her over his shoulder.

Buffy looked at him before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on his mouth. "Well last night was wonderful but I really wish we hadn't let out emotions get away from us," she said.

Spike turned back to stare at the wall and he bit the side of his cheek to keep his disappointment from her. "I'm sorry, but if I remember correctly it was you who started it."

Buffy could hear the disappointment in his voice as he spoke before she tightened her hold on him and laid her head on his shoulder. "I know who started it," she said softly. "And I won't deny wanting you. I still do, but the very real fact that you're human now, did escape me last night. It hasn't this morning."

"What - you'd rather me make love to you as a vampire?" Spike asked, his anger spilling through in his words.

Buffy took a deep breath, letting it out slowing before reaching out a hand and turning his head back around so she could see his face. She smiled before giving him another small kiss. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"Well, you're human now and humans have this pesky way of producing offspring if you aren't careful and plan for it. We didn't plan for it."

Spike stared at her smiling face, before what she said finally registered. His eyes widened as he turned his upper body so he could see her better. "I've never met a pregnant slayer before. I'm not even sure it's possible."

"Well, me either, but I'd rather cover the basics just in case," she said. "No protection, no playing."

Spike finally smiled at her, then wrapped his arms around her and tackled her back onto the bed. He kissed her, feeling relieved she wasn't just pushing him away from her again before he broke the kiss and stared down at her. "Okay Buffy, we'll play it safe," he said. "No playing without the right tools."

"Oh I think you have the right tools," Buffy grinned. "Which is what scares me."

Spike chuckled before snaking his hand down her side. "At least the Big Bad still scares somebody," he said.

Buffy giggled as his fingers ran slowly over her inner thigh before she grabbed his hand and stopped it from advancing any further. "Once you go to the store, you can play." The smirk that covered his face caused her smile to widen, just before Spike slowly slid down her body. Her eyes closed as his head disappeared under the blankets and as she felt the first brush of his lips on her stomach she inhaled deeply before she opened for him. They certainly didn't need any protection for this, now did they? As she felt his breath on the most intimate part of her, she sighed happily before closing her eyes. The Scoobies would just have to wait.

~*~

Breakfast consisted of Willow's usual - pancakes. It never ceased to amaze Buffy at how often Willow and Dawn could eat the spongy things and not get sick of them. Sure they were good but every once in a while a girl needed a little variety.

Dawn and Willow both had looked at her as she rounded the corner and Dawn's smile seemed out of place with Willow's frown. The two looked like they had both gotten out of opposite sides of the bed. "What's with the frown, Will?"

Willow glanced at Buffy before her eyes darted to Dawn then landed back on Buffy again. "Well, my best friend is a vampire. Anya is a basket case and Giles got stuck sleeping in a tomb. What else could be wrong?"

Okay, so much for happy banter this morning, Buffy thought. Apparently something was eating at Will and she was sure there was more to it than the small list of things she had said. Sighing heavily, she shook her head before walking to the island bar and grabbing a plate. "So - what's first on today's agenda," she said hoping to distract her friend from her grumpy mood.

Willow stared at Buffy for a few minutes, watching her fill her plate before sighing lightly. "We need to get our hands on some chains so we can bring Xander back here. Giles said he wasn't staying at the crypt but one night. Either we restrain Xander here or he's left alone at Spike's."

"Okay," Buffy said as she poured syrup over her pancakes. "I can go pick those up. Anything else while I'm out?"

"No, just the chains and something to secure them with."

Buffy nodded her head, and then looked over her shoulder as she saw her sister glancing toward the door, just before Dawn jumped from her seat with a squeal. Spike walked into the kitchen and was instantly grabbed into a bear hug from Dawn. It took everything in Buffy to not jump from her seat and throw herself at him too. Just seeing him stand there caused heat to scurry across her body in a rush so fast she felt dizzy. She smiled at him before turning back to her breakfast.

"Buffy said you were missing," Dawn said, excitedly. "We were worried sick about you."

"So I heard," Spike grinned as he glanced at Buffy. "Sorry to have worried you, Dawn."

"It's okay," she said. "But don't ever do it again, mister."

"I'll try my best."

"Are you okay?" Dawn asked him, looking at he bruises that covered his face.

"I'm fine," Spike told her. "Or I will be once my face is all one color again."

His answer seemed to satisfy Dawn because she finally released him and told him to sit while she busied herself with fixing him a plate. Spike watched her, smiling at her before sitting down beside Buffy. The need to lean over and give her a kiss was almost agonizingly painful but he restrained himself. He wasn't sure how Willow would react to it, or Buffy for that matter so he kept his lips to himself. He thanked Dawn when she placed the plate in front of him and the four of them ate and talked about the best way to get Xander back without drawing too much attention from anyone who saw them. It wouldn't be easy but it could be done. If they could keep an apocalypse from sucking them all down into the hellmouth, surely they could get one newly made vampire into the basement.

~*~

It was on the way back to her house that Buffy finally found the courage to ask Spike why he had bolted from the crypt and why he didn't come back home right away. She had felt Spike stiffen beside her and his hand tightened in hers, as he slowed his steps before stopping completely. The look on his face almost made her wish she hadn't asked but she knew she'd drive herself crazy if she didn't know. When Spike directed them to a bench on Main Street she sat down beside him and waited patiently for him to speak.

Spike sighed lightly as he sat on the bench beside Buffy and reflected on the events that took place in the crypt. His jaw still ached from where Xander had hit him and he wasn't sure how long it would take to heal. He didn't have the fancy vamp healing anymore and the thought of walking around for a week with bruises covering his face didn't appeal to him at all.

Xander had tossed him like a rag-doll and the reminders of his human state still ached throughout his bones. The punch Xander had landed to his face still stung and he shifted his jaw and listened to it pop before pain shot through his face. He never realized how much more powerful a vamp was until this. One small blow to the head and a headache the size of the Grand Canon had pounded between his ears. After all the years of taunting Xander, he had been the one to throw the first blow. It just wasn't right. Xander was a bottom feeder, or so he liked to think, but now Xander was at the top of the food chain - at least as much as the chip allowed him.

He forced himself to look at Buffy before he had to look away. He couldn't look at her and tell her why he had left. "When Xander tossed me aside and I hit that wall I realized that he'd probably kill me." He laughed softly before shaking his head. "I've lived for a hundred and thirty years Buffy and not once in that time have I ever been as scared as I was in that moment. Kind of pathetic of me to be scared of Xander, isn't it?"

"No," Buffy said, quietly. "He's a vampire - or as close as you can get without actually dying. You should be scared of him. You're human now. It's only natural to fear for your own safety."

"Well, I wasn't just scared for myself," he said before glancing over at her. "I know you didn't want me around before the whole `little you' episode but I was always there watching your back. There hasn't been a night since I realized I was in love with you that I wasn't there. I've always had your back whether you knew it or not. I'd watch you from the shadows just to make sure you were okay. Just to make sure that nothing nastier than you could handle got a piece of you."

"You followed me?" Buffy asked, confused. "On patrol?"

Spike nodded his head as he stared at the ground. "Yeah, I was always there, Buffy. Just watching. Took everything in me not to jump in half the time but I knew you would beat me down for it, so I stayed back and just watched unless you really needed me."

Buffy stared at his profile as he talked and couldn't believe what she was hearing. He had followed her while she patrolled? Why would he do that and not say something? "I guess I know why you always seemed to be at the right place at the right time then, huh?"

Spike nodded his head before he continued. "When Xander hit me the only thing I could think was that he'd kill me and I wouldn't be there to help you. I wouldn't be there when the next big bad rolled into town and you'd be hurt or worse. When you came rushing in and saved the day like you always do I realized that there wasn't anything I could do for you. Not like this. The Scoobies are a great help in the planning but they're no match for the things you come up against. Neither am I. Not like this."

"What are you saying, Spike?"

Spike sighed heavily before sitting up straight and turning his head to her. "I gave up my humanity a long time ago, Buffy. I'm used to living in the dark. It's where I belong."

Buffy felt her heart race at what he was saying. She hoped he wasn't going where she thought he was. "You have a chance to live in the light now, Spike. With me. Isn't that something you want?"

"You? Yes," he said softly. "But I can't protect you like this. Not as a human."

"I don't need you to protect me, Spike. I can take care of myself."

"I know," Spike told her. "But what if - someday something comes along and you do need me. What then?"

"You don't want to be human?" she asked, softly.

"I did. Once, when I thought it would make a difference to you, but now?" He sighed before shaking his head and giving a little, sad laugh. "Not now that I know me being a vampire didn't really matter to you. I want to help you, Buffy. I need to know that you're safe. I need to feel useful, to feel that you need me whether you do or not."

"I do need you," Buffy whispered.

Spike turned to look at her when her softly spoken words reached him. The look on her face was heartbreaking. He reached out, cupping her cheek in his hand before leaning forward and brushing her lips in a soft kiss. "I need you too," he said quietly. "But I need to know that I can help you, if I can. I can't do that like this."

"You would give up your humanity just for me?"

Spike smiled before once again kissing her. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you, Buffy. I'd go to hell and back just to see you one more time."

Buffy's heart soared at his words and she smiled before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. She put everything she was feeling into the kiss and when she finally pulled back, they were both breathless. "Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?"

Spike grinned before pulling her closer to him. "Would that be such a bad thing?"

Buffy's smile widened before she shook her head. "No," she said. "I don't think it would be a bad thing at all."

Chapter 19

"Are you sure you're okay with it?"

Buffy glanced over at him and smiled. "I want you to be happy."

"You make me happy. It doesn't take a heartbeat for that." Spike watched her face as they walked quietly back to her house and he was beyond scared. What if she wanted him human? What if this little glimpse of what he could be was more appealing than what he had been?

Buffy stopped, pulling him to a stop before giving him a truly beautiful smile and closing the distance between them. "Well, as nice as it is to think of the possibilities of having a normal life and a normal boyfriend, I know nothing about me will ever be normal. I've already tried having normal and it went up in flames. Besides, there are advantages to having a vampire for a boyfriend."

Spike raised one eyebrow, smiling widely at her. "And what would that be?"

"Well, when I'm eighty, you'll still be hot."

Spike laughed before leaning down and kissing her until they were both breathless. "You're going to make all the other little old ladies jealous?"

"Damn straight," Buffy giggled. "I'll be the envy of every blue haired lady in Sunnydale. Well, that is if something nasty doesn't take me out before then."

"I could always turn you."

Buffy looked up into his smiling face and wondered if the comment had been as innocent as it sounded. Would he really turn her? His growing smile caused her to laugh before she swatted at her arm. "Don't say stuff like that."

"What, you don't want to be with me forever?"

"Uh, considering how big a pain in the ass you are now, I don't think so. The next fifty years will probably be enough." The expression that crossed his face caught Buffy's breath in her throat. She stood there staring at him and let her words replay in her head as the implications of what she had just said dawned on her. She had just admitted to wanting to spend her life with him.

"Don't tease me, Buffy," Spike said, quietly. "I'm only human now. I have these pesky fragile emotions that make me cry like a bitch at the drop of a hat."

Buffy laughed before shaking her head. "Is your colorful vocabulary something you came with or just something you picked up over the years?"

Spike shrugged as he looked up at her. "Haven't ever thought about it."

"Has to be a vamp thing," Buffy said. "Xander was acting so much like you yesterday it was scary. All snarky and rude, for no other reason than he could be."

"Maybe he got more of my demon than we thought," he smiled.

"Well we know he got the chip. No reason the attitude wouldn't be yours as well." Buffy smiled as she looked up at him and noticed the discoloration on his face looked worse today. The bruises were purple and black and he looked like a truck had hit him. Make that a brick wall, she thought. As her last thought died, her eyes widened.

"What?" Spike said at the look on her face.

"Xander hit you."

"Yeah, got the bruises to prove it, luv. Not exactly news to me."

"No," Buffy said shaking her head rapidly as she thought. "I mean, he hit you. He picked you up and slung you against the wall like you weighed nothing."

"Not really doing anything for my bruised manhood here, Buffy. You got a point?"

"Yeah," she said. "Anya said the chip was firing when he tried to bite her. Why was he able to hit you and not react? Why could he hit me? And why does he have the chip anyway?"

Spike looked at her, letting the questions roll around his brain before he shrugged. "I don't know. It's not really there. The chip I mean. It's not really stopping him."

"Exactly," Buffy said. "Come on. We've got to ask Giles about this. If it's not the chip controlling him then we need to make sure we get Xander back to the house and undo this. If he could hurt you, he could hurt any of us."

~*~

Buffy had just finished telling Willow and Anya about what she and Spike had discovered about Xander and the chip issue. The girls had looked as surprised as Buffy felt. A quick trip to the cemetery before heading home had put Buffy's mind at ease that Xander was still chained and Giles was safe. He had grumbled the entire time Buffy was there about being stuck in the crypt and she had promised to make quick work of getting the chains secured in her basement before she once again left him.

"Well, if it isn't the chip then what is it?" Willow asked.

"No clue," Buffy shrugged. "Like Spike said, the chip isn't really there."

"It makes no sense," Willow said as she sat down on the sofa. "If the chip isn't there then why did he get all headachy when he tried to bite Anya?"

All three girls sat staring at each other as they thought. The specifics of the spell were still unknown. The demon that Spike had carried with him for centuries seemed to be housed inside of Xander or so they thought. If the chip really wasn't there, then why did he act like it did?

"Maybe it's just as simple as the demon thinking it's still there," Willow said.

"Like a memory?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah," Willow nodded. "Spike has had the chip for years now. Maybe the demon is so used to it firing that it just expects it now."

"Possible," Buffy said as she thought about it. "But does that mean that even if the chip didn't work, the demon would think it did?"

Willow's eyes widened as she stared at Buffy before she sighed heavily. "Not sure," she said. "Be interesting to find out."

"Yeah," Buffy said. "It still doesn't answer the question to why Xander could hurt Spike and not Anya though."

"Maybe Xander didn't want to hurt me," Anya said, quietly.

"And he'd love nothing more than to hurt Spike," Buffy added. "Now that oddly makes sense."

"So as far as we know, Xander controls what the demon does to some degree," Willow guessed. "The demon may be in control but Xander has the power to stop it if he wants."

Buffy scrubbed at her face with her hands before sighing heavily. All this thinking and guessing was wearing her out and her day had barely even started. She still had to get Xander back to her house and she was sure there was more to say to Spike. The fact that he was willing to give up his humanity so quickly shouldn't be something so easily decided - or she didn't think so. She looked to the doorway when Dawn entered and the look on her face wasn't one she expected to see. Her cheeks were red and her lips were set in a tight line. To say she was pissed would be an understatement. "Spike needs your help," Dawn said before crossing her arms over her chest. "Apparently I'm not strong enough," she added sarcastically.

"Okay," Buffy said before standing and looking back at Willow. "We need to find out if that chip still works, Willow. If Spike goes back to his old vampire self, we'll need to know. Think you can come up with something?"

"Yeah," Willow said as she also stood. "I'll get to work on it."

~*~

Willow brought down the sheets and blankets for the cot that had been placed in the basement for Xander and laid them on the bed before she turned to look at Spike. He was putting the last of the stabilizers in the wall to make sure the chains stayed where they were intended. Buffy had come and gone after making sure everything was secured and Willow had heard the faint signs of yelling before Buffy had left. She wasn't sure what was going on but from Spike's posture, she could tell he wasn't happy. "So, everything about ready?"

"Yes."

Willow stared at his back when his very short, very gruff answer reached her. She sighed before turning to the bed and started making it up. "So," she said, hesitantly. "Is everything okay?"

Spike turned his head to look at her and saw the blush creep up on her face before she turned her head. He knew she had to have heard him and Buffy yelling and shook his head before dropping the chains. "Go ahead, Willow. I know it'll all come out eventually anyway."

Willow glanced over at him before turning back to the bed and shrugging her shoulders. "Hey, its not any of my business," she said, quietly. "If you and Buffy have a fight it doesn't have to be a household affair."

Spike stared at her for a few seconds before his shoulders dropped and he leaned against the wall. "She wouldn't let me go with her."

Willow turned to him and saw the frown on his face before she sat down o the edge of the bed. "Well, I guess she just wanted to make sure you stayed safe," she said. "She wouldn't let any of us go either."

"Not the same," Spike said as he looked up at her. "You're just a bunch of humans."

"And so are you," Willow told him. She watched as his face seemed to close off and she wondered if there was more to the fight than she knew. She hadn't spent any time talking to Spike since any of this happened and she had wondered briefly if he was the same old Spike as before. Xander's personality had done a complete u-turn, surely Spike's had too. "Spike, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he said, shrugging his shoulder.

Willow looked at him before she glanced down at the floor. "Well, I've been wondering."

"About what?" He asked when she stopped talking and just stared at him.

"Well, it's not a secret to any of us how you feel about Buffy but," she paused, trying to figure out a way to say what he had been thinking, without making him mad. He just stared at her as she sat there before she sighed heavily and just spit it out. "The demon, the one you use to have. It loved Buffy, or you claimed so."

"I did," Spike said, interrupting her. "I still do."

"I know," Willow said. "I wasn't debating it. It's just - how could you love Buffy as a demon with no soul?"

Spike stared at her as she looked at him and his jaw clenched before he answered her. "What? I have to have a soul to love someone? Angel had a soul and look how that turned out. I'm not Angel."

"Oh, I know," Willow said, wide eyed - worried she had upset him. "I'm just curious is all. I mean, what makes you so different? How can you love Buffy - how can your demon side love her when Angel couldn't? He only loved her when he had his soul. I just don't get it. Honestly, none of us do, which is why no one ever believed you loved her."

Spike had wondered the same thing time and time again and he smiled before he pushed off the wall and made his way to the bed where she sat. He watched her slide over before he sat beside her. "Well, I think the reason is because of who we were before we were turned."

Willow's brow scrunched together as she thought before she spoke. "Not seeing much of a difference there. From the way Buffy told it, you weren't a very nice man to begin with."

Spike smiled as he remember Buffy asking him once upon a time how he had killed two slayers and the great lengths he had went to in telling her and the lies he had made up about himself. He sighed before looking to the redhead who sat patiently waiting. "I'll tell if you promise not to repeat it."

Willow nodded her head and smiled slightly before Spike inhaled deeply and opened his mouth. "William wasn't the bad, rude man I made him out to be. He was actually the complete opposite."

"How so?" Willow asked.

Spike shook his head and laughed. "I can't believe I'm going to tell you this," he mumbled before running his hands through his hair. "William was - well he was a shy, weak little man. He lived with his ailing mother and spent his days tending to her. He wrote poetry and loved with his whole heart. He never said a bad word about anyone. I guess some of it stuck. I've always had a soft spot and I'd appreciate you not EVER disclosing that piece of information," he smiled. "Angel on the other hand was always a bastard. He was a bad man before Darla found him. Only natural he ended up worse. I guess when a person is turned a piece of there humanity stays with them."

Willow smiled as she looked at him. She and Giles had debated this very thought for as long as she could remember. Hearing Spike confirm it brought a small giggle out of her before she smiled widely at him. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that."

"Well, I'm glad to have amused you," Spike said, dryly.

"Oh," Willow grinned. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just that Giles and I both assumed as much. We just never had proof."

"That once a ponce, always a ponce?"

Willow giggled before shaking her head. "No," she said. "It just makes so much sense. I mean everyone here has seen this other you, every once in a while and it makes a girl wonder, you know? You go from mean, badass to this sweet, caring man in a blink of an eye. Now we know definitely that it's because of William. If he hadn't been who he was then you wouldn't be who you are."

Spike raised one eyebrow at her and he watched her sit there and smiled at him, before shaking his head and standing up. "Well I'm glad to have been of service then, Willow."

Willow watched him as he started putting the tools away before she leaned her head to one side. "You know," she said, quietly. "I don't think I've heard you call any of us by your little pet names since this whole spell thing happened."

Spike turned his head and looked at her before he shrugged. "So."

"So," Willow smiled. "I think without that demon in you, you're turning more into William with every passing day."

Spike's eyes widened as he looked at her and his heart rate accelerated. Surely not, he thought. What would happen if the Scoobies got a good long look at William? What would Buffy think? William had been the biggest bleeding heart he had ever known. Still was. If Buffy got a good dose of sweet, innocent William would she be so quick to let him keep his humanity? As question number three hundred flitted around his head, Spike sighed before continuing his task. If William made a return he was done for. No way would Buffy want him then. William was as weak as they came. He cried at the drop of a hat and wore his heart on his sleeve. One good eye roll from Buffy and he'd been on his knees begging her to forgive him - or worse yet, he'd write her some of that god-awful poetry that had literally been the death of him. He groaned before shaking his head. If they didn't fix this spell and soon, Spike was sure William would resurface. He grimaced as he thought about it before sighing heavily. Why did things always go so wrong for him? He knew the answer to that the minute he thought it. William was the reason.

To Be Continued...