Carbon
By Emily
"carbon-made
only
wants
to
be
unmade."
Dawn is sick and tired of vampires and candy and Mommy lying in the cold ground. She's tired of squashed burgers, funny shaped pancakes and counting money in the Magic Shop. She's sick of fumbling for words and laughter and brief kisses on the cheek. Dawnie is starting to wonder why she's still here. She can't believe that it's simply to live out this life.
She was made, long ago and then she got made again. Now all she wants is to be unmade. She didn't do what she was made for and Dawn thinks that those monks really didn't plan ahead if they placed her forever in this life as sweet Dawn Summers. She thinks they didn't think that the Key part of her would know it wasn't enough. Hell, even the Dawn part of her knows it's not enough. It's not enough to be fifteen and in a small town in America. It's not enough to give her pain and happiness and the whole range of emotions. None of this can be enough because Dawn remembers everything that came before.
She can't help Anya count money without remembering the time when money was simply misshaped coins like the funny pancakes and then the time before that when all people ever did was trade. She's sure that Anya remembers misshaped coins too but it's easy for Anya to forget. Dawn can't forget anything and she thinks she remembers Anya counting those misshaped coins long ago and that makes her smile. Sometimes she gets these flashes of Anya kissing and killing and laughing and living and she's sure it's some kind of memory. She doesn't think that Anya remembers it anymore though, Anya wants this life, and maybe she didn't at first but now she wants it and craves it. Dawn often glances across at Anya, all pretty and golden haired laughing with Giles, and tells herself that one day she'll crave it too. She'll be beautiful and accepting of humanity just like Anya is and maybe one day she'll even crave squashed burgers and cold hard stones in graveyards. One day she'll welcome it. Yeah, that's what she tells herself.
Dawnie goes to Spike's crypt and sits with him and realises that he welcomes this half life he has too. He's blond and chiselled and perfect and Dawn wonders if he knows that she's not really the innocent fifteen year old that she plays. She thinks that if he really saw her he might kiss her or fuck her or something and damn it she wants him to. Dawn thinks that maybe once long ago he did because there's something about him that's familiar and that disturbs her. Of course, she knows that all she'll ever be to him and the rest of them is a fifteen year old who bleeds and cries and screams. So he fucks her sister and her sister fucks him and Dawn can tell just by the guilt in Buffy's eyes. She's known for a while now but she doesn't say a thing.
She has to admit that she's more than a little fascinated by Spike. Maybe it's because she somehow remembers all of his everything. Now he's only a shadow of who he was and Dawn remembers when he was all of him and she wonders if he does. She sees him one day staring after Buffy and she's certain that he's trying to forget. He wouldn't be here and this if he remembered everything like she does. Anya and Spike are the only ones that interest her now and sometimes when she's dreaming she remembers them. One night she sees them fucking and it's only a dream but Dawn is certain that it is real or that it was real. Dawn wants to be screwing her brains out with Spike from long ago or kissing the Anya that she remembers in sudden vivid flashes. And all that she wants she had - long ago. She had it and it's gone. She remembers it and nobody else does.
So she lives with her memories and now the only thing she wants is to be unmade. She thinks it's the only thing she wants that's remotely possible. She tried to accept this and crave it just like Anya and Spike do but now Dawnie is starting to wonder why she's still here because she can't find it in her to want any of this. Dawn laughs in a quiet dark room with teenage posters and a pink lamp. She laughs and remembers and thinks that these monks really screwed up when they made her because they forgot to unmake her.