Stolen Smiles
By Emily

Spoilers: Totally AU. Mention of Angel's return from hell, S2/3 and that's it.

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I told him not to go hunting on his own. I fucking told him and he *promised* me. One of those promises that's supposed to mean something - but really it's just bullshit you tell yourself so you can feel better. In the end it doesn't mean anything. Nothing seems to these days.

The thing is though, he went hunting on his own after all the promises. Alone to face the latest monster that decided to grace the open Hellmouth with its presence. He went and he didn't come back. I knew something was wrong. I knew something was wrong when I got back to the empty building we'd been staying in and he wasn't there. He would always be there if he hadn't gone slaying with us and when I got back he'd patch up any wounds I had and he'd kiss me. We would undress and make love and afterwards, I'd lie there curled against him and things would be okay. Not ever again.

When he wasn't there, I ran to the school, where the Hellmouth still is and I ran and I ran and the whole time I knew it wouldn't help but I ran. I got there and I knew I was too late. I found the small pile of dust almost immediately. Just dust, ashes and dust, lying on the ground. There was dust and Spike was gone. I fell onto my knees there and I couldn't cry. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. They read it at funerals like dust is all there ever was and I've never understood. Then though there was only dust. No cool blond perfection, no seductive half smile, no blue eyes, no surprisingly soft lips, no anything. No blood or bones. Nothing but dust.

I sat there and ran it through my fingers as though it would bring him back and make it okay. I yelled at him; at the pathetic fragile particles in my hands. All that was left. I cursed him for there not even being a body. Nothing to cradle and kiss. I screamed at him for being gone, for leaving me. Then I cursed myself for loving him and for making him promise me a thousand useless promises. I sat there and I yelled and screamed and cursed and of course there was nothing it could ever do.

Buffy came later, looking for me. She saw me and she knew he was gone. Oh she tried to talk to me. Goddamn her, she cried. My sister cried - while I loved him and I couldn't shed a tear. I hugged the precious dust against me and turned away from her.

Buffy said that she knew how I felt and I turned to her and said she didn't, Angel had come back. He came back and Spike won't. I started to sob then, mindless tears, angry tears and Buffy tried to hold me. She wrapped strong arms that didn't fit right around me and I pushed her away. I hit her and I pushed her away and she left. Walked slowly away and I stayed there.

I stayed there the whole night, covered in him. Nothing came near me and maybe they saw me and understood - or maybe I'm telling myself more bullshit that will make nothing right. I dreamt of him though. He came to me and wrapped strong perfect arms around me and I kissed him and he wasn't really gone. It was all some crazy mistake. Spike was here, with me and I was okay. In the morning I awoke covered in ashes and tears and of course, it wasn't okay.

Dreams can't fix anything. Dreams don't last and he's gone. Really, *finally* gone and yet I still imagine his arms around me. I still dream of him. I still picture him cleaning up little cuts on my skin. Maybe it's *this* that's a dream and really Spike's alive and here with me. Maybe that's what's real. Somehow though, I'm not naive enough to convince myself of that. I live on a Hellmouth and I slay demons with my sister and I love a vampire called Spike more than anything and he's dead and gone. I wish it wasn't, but this harsh world is what's real. I know that but I pretend he's still here because I can't quite manage to believe that he's not.