Or well, she does-she thinks of him often, as a matter of fact--but it's not the same.

During the day, Randall is just another stuffy British guy, no different from Giles. She can make herself forget the fact that his clothes are trendy and that he drives a Jaguar when he isn't undercover and trying to blend in. When the sun is out she can admit that he is kind of cute, but can quickly add in the disclaimer, "for an old guy." Before she gets into her cow pajamas at night she can tell herself that he's old and safe, and that middle-aged men can't possibly be bad boys. For as long as she holds onto consciousness she can laugh at the very notion that she could want a 51-year old man, or indeed any male older than Orlando Bloom. She can tell herself all these things and make herself believe them ... but only for as long as she's awake.

When Dawn dreams, she dreams of Randall. And in these dreams, he isn't her friend. He's her lover, and he makes her scream. She screams with desire, and want, and the certain knowledge that he isn't safe at all. When she sleeps, Dawn never fails to note the wicked gleam in Randall's dark eyes, a glint of trouble that she cautiously overlooks whenever she's awake.

Dawn wakes up nearly every night, and she's always horny. She blesses those famous Summers' denial genes, and she lies to herself. That wasn't Randall she was just dreaming about. No way. She squeezes her eyes shut tight, concentrates on Brian Tully's dreamy eyes, and brings herself release. And if Brian's wide smile changes into Randall's thin, sensual face lips at the last moment, she is too caught up in the shameful pleasure of her body to admit it.

Dawn isn't as willfully blind as Buffy. She can freely admit that she enjoys Randall's company. She thinks he's more than cute, and has crossed the border into hot territory. If she were as old as Elspeth, or even as old as Jo, she would be totally after him. Some days she can even admit that she would be hot for his bod even if she were only as old as Buffy. But there is no way she would ever admit that she, a seventeen year old high school Junior, lusts after a man a year older than Giles. That is so not happening to her.

Sometimes she plays a "what if" game. What if she and Randall were to get together? Not that she wants him in *that way*, she hastily lies to herself, but still, what if? Well, to start out with, Buffy would probably kick his ass. She never wants Dawn to see any boys, but a man would make her absolutely insane. Giles would probably go all Ripper on poor Randall (a phenomenon that Dawn has never seen for herself, but one that Willow and Xander have both described more than once). Xander was unpredictable these days, but Dawn suspected that he too might resort to violence, either because he saw himself as her big brother or because of those other undertones, the ones that they both ignored. Willow was likely to be the most accepting of an unconventional relationship, but Dawn didn't want to take that for granted; after all, a few years ago Dawn would have voted the gentle witch as the "Most Unlikely to Flay Somebody Alive"

No, any relationship beyond friendship was out of the question; Randall would never survive her family. Besides, she wouldn't want anything like that anyway. He was too old for her. Much, much too old. She couldn't believe she was even contemplating the idea.

Dawn often stays up until her eyes ache and then beyond. Every night she hopes that if she repeats this mantra often enough, it will finally sink into her stupid subconscious. Every night she fails.

~*~*~

He doesn't think of himself at night.

Or well, he does-he always sees himself in his dreams, at her side--but it's not the same. He isn't using her, he's worshipping her. He takes care of her, he gives her flowers and massages and brings her breakfast in bed. He is sweet and loving, and he wants nothing of Dawn beyond her company. And she stays with him not because he is the only adult in her life who listens to her and pays attention to her, and not because that stupid Tully prat runs hot and cold on her, but because there is no one else that she would rather be with. And they never, ever discuss Ripper.

During the day, he refuses to spare her a second thought. Dawn is nothing but an energy source to him. He is in this hellhole because he is weak, and the Slayer's sister has what it takes to make him strong again. It is all about him, just as it always has been. If he didn't need something from her, he would take off in a heartbeat, and he wouldn't even leave her a note. And he is able to completely block out that small voice in his head, the one that asks why he hasn't *already* drained her and split.

When Ethan dreams, however, he dreams of Dawn. And in these dreams, he doesn't use her; he loves her. He isn't a man who has walled himself off from love; it flows from him with ease. He doesn't think of himself at all in his dreams, other than as her knight and protector. Ethan, king of the one-night stands, has always run from the title of "lover," but in his dreams, he is proud to accept that mantle. But only for Dawn.

Ethan wakes up nearly every night, and he is always on the verge of tears. He lies to himself, of course. He tells himself that the pain he feels is physical, and has nothing to do with guilt, or longing, or <> love. No, no sentimentality of any kind for Ethan Rayne. He uses and abuses the people in his life, and he never feels badly about it. He laughs at the fools who trust him, and never feels any affection for them whatsoever.

Ethan isn't a complete liar. He acknowledges that Dawn is his friend, and fun to be around. Some days, he can even admit that he is more grateful for her company than he is for the energy boost. She's personable enough, isn't she? She's attractive, intelligent, funny, and provides the only sunshine that the state of Oregon ever sees. Okay, so she's his friend, but that doesn't mean that he won't stab her in the back given the slightest opportunity. It's what he does, after all. Except, of course, he hasn't. And he doesn't really want to.

Sometimes he plays a "what if" game. What if he is really in love with her? Even assuming that he could escape Ripper's wrath-which was pretty damn unlikely, actually-could they really be happy? He was three times her age, for God's sake! Ethan lost his virginity at fifteen; technically, it was possible for Dawn to be his granddaughter. While Ethan didn't worry about the morality of such a relationship (he knew that officious outsiders like the damn Slayer would do plenty of that for him), he did wonder about the logistics. What would they have to talk about? True, conversation never flagged between them now, but surely that couldn't last forever? This wasn't a generational gap, but rather a chasm. They would never agree on books, or music, or movies, or even on food. They couldn't fall back upon superficialities, so Ethan would have to be real, and he hated truth.

No, the whole thing is impossible. Not just because of Ripper or Dawn, but because of him. Ethan doesn't believe in love. He doesn't believe that others truly feel love, and he knows that he doesn't. Except he did, once. When he was very young, he was stupid enough to fall in love with a man who was basically straight. With someone who loved him like a brother, but never wanted to touch Ethan unless he was stoned out of his mind on black magic. The only thing less intelligent than falling for a heterosexual magic addict would be to fall for an American teenager, and there was no way he could be that stupid twice in his life. No, not Ethan, the man who always looks after himself Whatever else he feels for Dawn, it simply can't be love.

Ethan stays up late, always telling himself that he can't sleep for the pain, but the truth is that he is afraid of his dreams. Afraid of Dawn, of becoming too attached to her. He tells himself that he is going to end it all the next time he sees her. He is going to drain her, move on, and not even stick around to see if the draining harms her. He will. He's going to do it, and he's going to do it tomorrow. Every night he tries to convince himself of this before he drifts off to slumber, and every night he fails.

~*~*~

In their dreams, they're happy. Both of them know that this is the biggest lie of all.