---------------------------

Part 1

Dawn had thought it would hurt more than this. She had braced herself for a whole new kind of pain and had been surprised when it didn't come. Strangely, it was almost pleasurable, this gentle suckling at her neck. Not a pleasure she'd ever felt before because after all she had only been here four years. There were many things she hadn't felt.

She knew how she had got here, after all she had wanted this. Dawn was still a little blurry on the why though. *Why*, oh what a complicated word. There were a thousand reasons why, each one as painful as the one before but most of all Dawn didn't belong here. She knew at least that. Dawn closed her eyes and waited for the oblivion that she craved.

She remembered the first time she had longed for it. She had been out walking. Recently she had taken to doing that a lot. Dawn would walk and walk and there'd still be nothingness. That night it was different. A vampire - not pale and beautiful like Spike, but one with leering eyes who smelt of death - had found her in some alley. Dawn had screamed, she'd done at least that. But nobody had come and before she'd known what was happening sharp penetrating teeth were snapping into her neck. The blood flowed quicker than she had imagined. Dawn had struggled a little and then given up; closed her eyes and let herself begin to fall into this new and tempting oblivion. Nothing was harsh there. It was black and soft and all encompassing.

But then suddenly the blackness was whipped away from her and *everything* was harsh. Dawn had opened her eyes to see Spike throw the vampire against a wall and then dust. Dust falling into perfect oblivion. She had ached a little then.

Spike had yelled at her and shaken her hard and then gathered her in his arms and cleaned up her wound with utter gentleness. Dawn was surprised that someone had come, someone had heard her calling out. It made her sigh.

Then though Dawn had cried and Spike had held her still in his arms with the same gentleness and let her tumble out words at him . She had tried to tell him that damn it she wanted to fall into oblivion, she wanted it to end, all she had needed was a few more minutes, oh why. Spike had shaken his head and still held her against him and stroked her hair. She had cried some more and then he had taken her home, still carrying her.

Home was the crypt now. Everyone from before was...gone. Tara those years ago by Warren. Willow and Anya in a fight, more monsters seemed to have come to the Hellmouth of recent. They came and people fought and people fell. That was all really. Dawn remembered Xander holding Anya and crying because he had loved her still. She had looked at them and felt separate, then she had looked away. Down, up, anywhere. Dawn didn't want to see this. None of it.

Buffy had died too. Again. Dawn didn't know quite how she'd gotten through Buffy dying again. It was kinda blurry, those days. A haze of blood. Giles had left for England. Again. It seemed to her that everything happened again and again and over and over till it didn't matter. Giles wasn't gone in the whole meaning of the word but he was gone enough to Dawn.

Spike was the only one left. A couple weeks after Buffy - she'd been the last to fall, a couple weeks after Dawn had stayed another night curled asleep on the sofa with hands tightly clenching the blanket, he had fetched her things over. And it had been like that for what seemed forever. 1630 Revello Drive still stood there though, but now it was empty and dusty. Dawn hadn't gone back. Didn't want to. There were too many memories there.

She tried to forget but oh how she remembered. That was another why. Why she wanted the oblivion, that sweet dark peace. Finally Spike had agreed to give it to her. It had taken a long time to persuade him. She had cried and yelled and threatened to find another way. To do it herself. Of course really she should have died those three long years ago in that portal. That would have been the best way. Back then though Dawn had wanted to be here. She'd thought there was a place for her but then somehow it had all fallen away. Maybe it had never been there. Just some deeply embroidered tapestry that would fall to pieces if you probed too deep. Just illusions. Words and sounds and pictures. Nothing. This way, it wasn't the best way but it was a way.

Dragging Spike into this wasn't fair. She knew that. But she was glad it was him there with his arm tight around her waist. She loved him. It wasn't something she ever thought or said or even knew but she did. He was the only one left. The only one. She loved him. It was something Dawn didn't question or dwell upon or act upon. It was simply there. Nestled inside along with the memories, the blood and that craving for oblivion. Sometimes she almost found it, nearly grasped it and the little wisp of warmth made her sigh. But then it was gone, it floated away and Dawn reached but didn't touch it.

It touched her then though. In the dark crypt with his arm tight around her waist, blond head buried deep in the hollow of her neck and her long dark hair falling onto his neck and back. With his body pressed against her there on his sofa it touched her. Once, briefly and Dawn trembled with the feel of it.

His teeth sunk deeper. She hadn't imagined it would be like this. Somehow unknowingly in the recesses of her mind Dawn had pictured this as something horrific and disturbing. It wasn't. If it was painful then it wasn't a bad kind of pain. Dawn felt little threads of panic rip through her suddenly. She'd never felt that before. *Maybe there was more*. The thought seared across her brain with the same thrill she got from his teeth searing across her neck. And his tongue, his tongue, the way it moved on her skin.

Dawn gasped a little as more blood fell from her neck. How quickly the blood flowed, how much blood there was. Things hadn't gone blurry like she'd expected, the blackness hadn't come yet. His mouth moved away from the soft flesh of her neck. It continued to bleed there but she felt cold. Her eyes started to flicker open but before they did Spike's lips brushed briefly across hers. Soft and warm - from the blood she supposed. And lingering. They lingered on hers and Dawn didn't know how to explain that. Spike pulled away from her, standing up.

Her eyes opened fully, the soft light from the candlelit crypt too bright. She struggled to sit up, her hand reaching for her neck and finding a warm wetness there. Dawn examined her hand, the candle flame gold shining on the red liquid. It was blood. Her blood. Just like she'd planned and wanted. But oh and suddenly, did she really want to bleed?

"No Dawn." Spike shook his head, turning to walk away. "I won't do it Bit" He said softly, his expression unreadable. His muscled form moved out of the crypt, leather duster brushing the floor and his face shadowed on the wall. The door swung open and Spike made to leave.

Maybe there was more.

Dawn stood up, shaky on her feet. "Spike?"

* * *

Part 2

"Spike?" Dawn said it again, staring after him, her heart throbbing hard in her chest. Her feet were finding it difficult to stay upright and Dawn vaguely realised that she must have lost more blood than the last time. Not too much though, she was still standing. And ten minutes ago too much would have been enough. She'd wanted it to have been enough. How things change, Dawn thought with the tiredness that comes from living.

Then she walked - tried to run but couldn't - out the stone door to the crypt to where Spike had gone. She stopped in her tracks because he was just standing outside the crypt. Smoking a cigarette with perfect features on perfect silhouette on the old stone.

"Spike" Dawn said his name again and he eventually turned to face her. Her gaze burned through her and Dawn felt suddenly ashamed. She didn't know of quite what but those burning eyes made her burn too. Then they lowered to look at her neck and Dawn remembered the wound there.

"Come here Nibblet" Spike said and she did, feeling a sudden surge of relief that he didn't hate her. He would still talk to her and clean whatever wounds she got inflicted on her and be tender with her. She didn't know what she would do if he didn't. Spike pushed the thick mass of dark soft hair away from her neck and examined the two neat holes in her neck, still tasting her. Spike's tongue moved in his mouth and her sweet taste was everywhere. Not just the blood but the soft brush of lips too. Hastily he looked down at the bite. It was deep and he felt a guilt for that even though she had asked for this. Deep, but it had stopped bleeding now. It'd be okay.

He reached in the pockets of his jacket and found a crumpled tissue. Spike smoothed it gently down the side of her neck. Dawn stood perfectly still and the elegant curve of her neck combined with the high intoxicating scent of her blood was almost too much for Spike. He angrily pushed the thoughts away, sure as hell hadn't counted on this happening. Spike ignored his blood lust - telling himself that it was only bloodlust even though he knew it wasn't. This was *Dawn*. Not some pointless random human to feed upon and leave for dead. This was Dawn and that was exactly why he knew it wasn't just bloodlust. He rubbed lightly at her neck with the tissue until her skin was clean of blood, two small puncture marks the only sign of what had just happened.

"Why did you kiss me?"

The words came from nowhere and then they seemed to hang there in the darkness.

Dawn said them softly, her face turned away from him and Spike turned away from her yet more. She looked at the back of his head and he walked the few quick steps back into the crypt. Dawn followed and she waited. The candlelight played flickering games across his face as she waited and then finally he looked at her.

"What does it matter" Spike said. "You want to die anyway" The words were harsh and angry and Dawn flinched at the feel of them. It matters, she thought. It matters. But dying -

"I...I don't know" Dawn spoke hesitantly.

"You don't know if you want to die?" Spike asked and all of a sudden his eyes were burning again. His eyes pure intensity burning through hers made Dawn flinch again but she didn't look away and then she nodded slowly.

There was a silence. A long and fateful silence and then he exploded.

"You don't know if you want to die. What the bloody hell have the last few months been about? You fucking begged me to kill you, you said you wanted it to end and now...now you don't know if you want to die." Spike let out a low laugh.

"What the fuck has changed, Dawn? Or was this just some idea that you got into your head and you didn't even want it? Why do you suddenly want to live?" He demanded and somehow his hands had gotten onto her shoulders and he was shaking her. Hard and angrily.

"Because you kissed me" She looked up at him with wide blue eyes that pushed back tears. He had kissed her and everything had changed. She hadn't been certain anymore.

Dawn was pale and vulnerable and so fragile there. This world was too harsh for her, Spike realised suddenly and he almost understood. Looking at her there and then Spike regretted his angry words. He regretted yelling at her and shaking her until she was trembling. That was something he noticed, Dawn was trembling. Fucking trembling. Slowly he released her.

She was an innocent, this small perfect girl woman. Such an innocent and so young to him in that moment. She must be seventeen, eighteen now he realised. They had stopped counting the days. 200 since Tara, 27 since Buffy. Numbers like that did no good and so they had stopped counting the days.

"I'm sorry, Dawn" He said. "I shouldn't have yelled at you or -"

Spike frowned and peered at her left shoulder in the half light and pushed the side of her top down and then the white strap of her bra. He saw red marks on her pale skin there from his fingers and felt the guilt all over again.

"I hurt you" Spike said softly.

Dawn shook her head. "No, it...it doesn't hurt so much"

And then he kissed her. Softly and gently and sweetly. Dawn was still trembling and so he kissed her until she stopped. Then Spike pulled away from her and she was still studying him with those clear blue eyes except the tears had gone now. Fallen away in that kiss or blinked back till they were nothing. Either way they were gone.

"You want to live?" Spike asked her and the words sounded so different than 'you want to die'. Different from 'you don't want to die' too. Dawn doesn't think she's ever heard such sweet words because she does want to live. How long she's wanted to die she doesn't know and it's been forever since she's truly wanted to live. Now she does though. Dawn nodded slowly without the fear and Spike's eyes burned without the anger.

Spike smiled then and repeated the words under his breath. Then Dawn smiled at him. Spike couldn't remember the last time Dawn had smiled.

Then he answered her question. "I love you" He said suddenly. "Why I kissed you...that's it"

Dawn was surprised and had to ask him why again. She wasn't quite clear on why he would love her after she had wanted him to kill her. Spent countless nights crying against him because she hated this place. But he does, Dawn thought and that was enough for her. After all, she had only wanted enough.

Dawn lifted her head up and kissed him. He had to wrap an arm around her waist to hold her there and he did. Dawn kissed him and in that kiss or the ones that followed she didn't long for the oblivion.