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Dawn can't sleep. She hasn't been sleeping for nights now. It's California and the wind is blowing outside her window and all she really wants is to sleep. Yeah, that and everything else. She knows she won't sleep tonight though and she highly doubts she'll get anything else she wants either. That's just the way it is and Dawn thinks those monks must have given her bad judgement along with pretty hair and a penchant for diary keeping. She blames this on bad judgement. Because wasn't it wrong to fall for Tara?

And yet, it was right. Tara was beautiful and soft and sweet and *there*. Yeah, she was always right there unlike most everyone else. She listened and she cooked funny shaped pancakes and she gave away smiles like they were nothing. Her face would crumple and fall so easily when she was upset and when she was nervous she fumbled for words. And she smelled like cinnamon and peaches. Tara was right.

And, she was with Willow. Loved Willow. Had always been with Willow. So it was wrong too. It's wrong and Dawn can't sleep. Not with Tara sleeping unaware in the next room. These feelings are recent, Dawn decided. Years ago when she was the Key and everything was simple, she hadn't looked at Tara in that way. Something had shifted in all the time since then though and now she doesn't go a day without looking at Tara in that way. Sure Dawn has a boyfriend and all the things an eighteen year old is supposed to want. She thinks she should want them more. He's cute and called Josh and sometimes she lets him screw her in the back of his car. He kisses down her neck and she pretends its Tara. And of course that's wrong too. She knows she should want him more. She wishes she could want Tara less.

Sometimes she feels bad about it and sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she drifts into uneasy sleep and when she wakes up her panties are wet and she's aching for something of Tara. So she calls Josh up in the middle of the night and he comes over and he fucks her and Dawnie doesn't feel bad at all. Tara's in the room next door and she doesn't know that Dawn can't sleep because of her so what does it matter what Dawn does?

Dawn hasn't told anyone that she's kind of in love with Tara. She doesn't even write it in her diary. If she said it out loud or wrote it down then it would be unavoidable and Dawn wants to avoid this fact for as long as possible. It's simple fact to her and it's not like she's in denial about it or anything. She accepts it like she accepts that the earth rotates. She accepts it; she just tries to ignore it. Maybe one day it'll stop. Maybe she'll get over it because anyone can see it's hopeless. Tara loves Willow. Willow loves Tara. Dawn loves Tara and of course she loves Willow too and so her loving Tara is of no consequence in the scheme of things. It's something she could never say or act upon and she can't sleep because of it.

She thinks that if Tara were hers then she would try like hell to make sure Tara's face never crumpled up in sadness. She thinks Tara would cry less without Willow and she *knows* she's just jealous and that's the worst part. This kind of jealousy might just kill her one day. Dawn tries to put that aside and instead she concentrates on catching those smiles that Tara throws in her direction. She pretends they're enough to make her okay and sometimes they are. Once a year she goes to her Mom's grave with Tara and she cries like a kid and Tara hugs her and lets her bawl. She tells Dawn it's okay and Dawn believes it really is okay and then Tara smiles at her and it is. Yeah, sometimes those smiles are all that keep her going.

Dawn sighs. It's still raining outside and Tara is still sleeping with no idea of what's happening to Dawn. Tara has Willow and all Dawn has is Tara's smiles and the scent of cinnamon and peaches as a beautiful girl cooks funny shaped pancakes. She's still waiting for the next smile to be enough. And, when it is, then maybe she'll be able to sleep.