---------------------------

Part 1

I saw him outside the house again tonight. He comes most nights, just stands there and waits. I don't know what he's waiting for. Her, I guess. Watching where she once was, where traces of her are everywhere and maybe, maybe if he really tries then he can imagine she's still there.

I used to do that. I went into her room and touched all of her belongings. Clothes, photos, jewellery. Sometimes I put the jewellery on as if by wearing it she'd somehow still be there. After a while I crammed into a drawer and left it there to rust.

Without her it didn't mean anything.

Sometimes I want to go out there and talk to him. But then I don't know what I'd say. Nothing would make it better, I know that. People talking about how brave and good Buffy was doesn't make the pain go away.

God, look at me. I'm sitting alone in my room and I'm crying and I didn't even realise it till now. Why I'm so worried about Spike I don't know. Or I do know and it's so stupid and trivial I don't want to admit it.

I should be worried about *me*. She was my sister. No, not in the normal simple way but in all the ways that matter.

I grab a tissue as I feel tears course down my cheeks. Furiously I wipe them away, and turn to the window for an escape from this. He's still there, blond hair gleaming under a street lamp. I look away from that because it's no escape.

I can't believe I still have a crush on him. I wish I didn't. It was okay to fantasise then that maybe one day Spike might like me. But now I can't. Now I know it's crazy. I know that he won't like me that way, or love me or any of those things. Not even because I'm fifteen and the Key. Just because simply he loved her. He probably still does. It hurts to think that so I won't write it.

I got a new diary, since I kind of went Carrie on all the old ones. It has pale cream pages and a blue silky cover, almost too pretty to write in. I bought it a week or so after it happened. *It*. God, I should be able to say it at least.

After she died.

The words are still as harsh and cold and unbelievably scary as they were at the time

I can't write about that. Anyway, this diary. I opened it and didn't know what to write. Where would I start? The Key? Glory? Buffy? Spike? I didn't know. In the end I didn't write about any of that, I wrote a couple of stupid lines about some movie.

It's not like I'm going to describe in minute detail everything that happened that night. Not about what happened because I know what happened. I was there, part of it and I saw it all. I'm not ever going to forget so why write it down? 

Part 2 

I was pissed off. Really, really. I'd hung at the magic shop for a while this morning with Giles and the Scoobies. Things had been okay, not good but okay. At the moment 'okay' is all I can hope for. Some customers came into the shop talking loudly. We weren't really listening and then one of them said the 'd' word.

Dead.

There was an awkward silence by the counter. Tara looked down. Giles started vigorously sorting the cash register, beating Anya to it. Willow kind of slumped to the floor and sat there for a while, pretending to read a magick book. Xander avoided looking at anyone and Anya said something about helping the customers. I know she was upset because she never usually talks about 'helping' people.

Is it always going to be like this? Like, whenever anyone says 'dead', we'll all think of her and be sad. Or just the little things, when someone says 'my bad' just like she did or we slay a vampire?

What I really hate is the pretending. No one else knows that Buffy is gone. We buried her out in the woods. It's peaceful there and kind of pretty. There's a gravestone and everything. I think she'd have liked it

God, of course she wouldn't have *liked* it. Being put in the ground. Where the bugs can crawl over her and eventually she'll decompose and all that'll be left is soil. Soil made of blood and bones and hair and nails. Nothing to say that Buffy was here, that she lived and she made a difference. Nothing except a cold lump of stone with words carved on it. And what do words matter now? What use are they?

After Mom died I read about it, looked it up on the 'net. They charge you all that money for a goddamn coffin and, you'd think it would last. Instead it eventually falls apart. A hundred years or so and nobody will know who Buffy Anne Summers was.

Willow was talking about wiring up the robot again. Fixing its head back on somehow. She thinks that people are going to notice that Buffy is gone.

It's not like they even gave a damn when she was here. I know that sounds awful but its true. As long as somehow the evil is gotten rid of they'll never even know.

I used to complain about Buffy being the Slayer. That she got special treatment from Mom and stuff. Now that she's gone I don't think of it like that.

She didn't have to do it. The fighting, the slaying, saving the world. I mean, yeah it was her sacred duty, she was chosen and all but the fact is that she fought the fight. She went out there and she helped people. Not just because she had to.

Without her Sunnydale would be long gone. And nobody even knows who she was. What she did. That now she's gone too.

After spending most of the day at the magic shop I headed back home, it was dark and there might have been vampires but I was mad and honestly couldn't care.

Everyone was busy there and I just slipped out. I couldn't handle another round of being walked home and looked after and protected so maybe Buffy hadn't died for nothing. That's how I feel sometimes, like they only look after me and hang with me because of her. Because if anything happens to me then her sacrifice will have been a big fat waste.

I almost screamed when I ran into him. Like I said, I was pissed off, and upset and maybe kind of scared although God, I'd never admit that. Not to him or anyone else. He smirked a little and actually looked remotely amused that I was scared. For Gods sake he's a defanged vampire with no other joys in life apart from watching *Passions* - what else can I expect? My gaze flickered down to the mostly empty whiskey bottle in his hand. He was drunk. I was disgusted, like that's going to help. Or maybe it does, I've never tried it.

" What are you doing out here, Nibblet?" Spike asked me. I don't know if he cared or was curious or bored or just plain drunk.

"I'm walking, what the hell does it look like I'm doing?" I snapped at him. "And by the way I have a freaking name." I had every right to yell at him. I was angry and he really wasn't helping. I walked faster in the direction of my house, blinking back tears.

He caught up with me in a few easy strides and grabbed my shoulder turning me around to face him. " Are you okay?"

I just looked up at him because no, of course I'm not okay.

He nodded briefly and I suppose he recognised the feeling. After that we walked for a while, my anger fading away as we did. Soon we came to the house and Spike's favourite brooding spot. I grinned at the thought knowing how mad he'd be if I told him he was brooding.

"Does that help?" I asked, gesturing at the bottle. Spike laughed and offered it to me. I don't think he actually expected me to drink it. I took it from him and downed what was left of it. It burned but not as much as other things. I gasped slightly because I'd never have expected it to taste like that, I thought it would be like beer or wine or something. Instead it was fiery and hot and I kind of liked it.

Spike stared at me and suddenly smiled. I blushed a little he has that effect on me and I just couldn't help it. He took the empty bottle back, and chucked it in some bushes. I opened my mouth to tell him not to and he just rose a 'so what?' eyebrow in my direction. I rolled my eyes. Stupid vampire.

We stood there for a while and it was too silent. It's always too silent now. The vampires are actually pretty quiet now she's gone. God, I would have wished this town full of vampires just to have her back.

"Dawn?"

Ohmygod. I was crying again, damn it. You'd think I could go for five measly minutes without bawling like a baby. I wasn't really bawling though, just crying in that hopeless way when tears fall down your cheeks and you don't know the point because what good can it do but you're crying anyway.

I turned to face him and he looked concerned. Still a little drunk I wonder how much it takes to get a vampire drunk but concerned. "I'm okay" I managed to croak out. Lying my ass off.

Then all of a sudden he put his arms around me, letting me cry against his leather jacket. It was warm and comforting and I smelt the hot scent of the whiskey on him but that was comforting too. I let myself cry then, God did I cry. Then I pulled away embarrassed because this was Spike, and I should pull myself together and not act like such a kid.

He was just looking at me and stroking my hair a little like Buffy used to except it felt different because it was him. I felt dizzy and didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or Spike or some crazy combination of the two. The tears dried on my cheeks. I looked up at him, and suddenly he kissed me.

His lips were soft at first as his tongue lightly danced against mine, his hands still entangled in my hair. I was just kissing him back, I couldn't not. And God I wasn't thinking about what I was doing, because it all felt so good. An arm tightened around my waist and he was kissing me harder, his lips burning mine. Hot and fiery and good. Spike's hand stroked up my back and then I remembered.

I remembered that this was Spike, and he was drunk and then that other thing that I didn't want to think. But I forced myself to - the thing being that he loves my sister. He loves her. Why he was kissing me then and there I didn't know. I knew that he loved her though and that was enough.

I pulled away from him quickly this time and didn't manage not to gasp. We stared at each other for a few seconds. Maybe five at the most but it felt like forever. I was running then, running the short distance to my house and pulling hard at the door handle. That seemed to take forever too. I think I heard him yell my name as I ran. Dawn. Not Nibblet or Little Bit or any of his other nicknames but just Dawn. 

Part 3

God, what did I do? What was I thinking? No, wait this isn't my fault. *I* didn't kiss him, well I did, but not originally. It was all his fault. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and boy did I look a mess. I had some mascara on my cheeks from all the crying you'd think that after all the crying I've been doing I'd know to just *not* wear mascara and my hair was all bad and tangled. Ugh. Suddenly the door opened and for a minute I thought it was Spike. I guess he could have come in, he is still invited. Mostly for *babysitting* me - the fifteen year old who could totally be a babysitter- while Willow and the gang have secret Scooby meetings or something.

"Dawnie?" Tara called. Oh crap, Willow and Tara. I grabbed a brush from my desk and hurriedly dragged it through my hair, wiped at my eyes with a tissue and yelled that I was coming.

"Where'd you go?" Willow asked when I got downstairs. They both looked worried and I felt kind of guilty for just running out on everyone before.

"Are you okay?" Tara asked, frowning as she looked at me. Did I still have mascara stains?

I nodded vigorously. " I'm fine, sorry for running off, I needed some um air," I babbled.

I'm pretty sure they didn't buy it but they didn't pursue the subject. For no reason I could understand I felt tears well behind my eyes but I didn't cry. It's almost okay for me to cry in front of Spike because he can deal with it. He's strong, like Buffy was. But Willow's not. If I cried then she would cry, maybe Tara would cry too and I don't think we'd ever be able to stop crying.

I used to hear Willow crying at night, for weeks after it happened. Tara would comfort her and hold her and rock her like a child. That made me cry a little too. Partly because it reminded me of Mom and partly because there was no one to hold me. Not anymore. At least they had each other.

I peered out of the window and wasn't surprised that he was gone, only kind of disappointed. And oh God this is so strange.

Spike kissed me. Because he was drunk or acting crazy or I reminded him of her or whatever but the point is he kissed me. Now I have no idea what to do, how to act.

God, my first kiss from a vampire. See, *this* is what happens when you move to the Hellmouth.

***

" And 'Passions' will be back in two weeks after the snooker season" A tacky blond announced.

I glared at the screen, "Bloody snooker" I roughly pressed the TV off. Now there was no 'Passions' to distract me from what the hell I'd been doing. Namely kissing the little bit.

I wasn't even drunk. I don't know what came over me.

God she's fourteen. Fourteen and the Slayer's sister. If Buffy was here I'd be dust...oh Jesus no wonder she ran off like that *Buffy*

I frowned as the thought came over me that the whole time Buffy had never even crossed my mind. Just Dawn.

****** 

Part 4

We were enjoying our summer vacation by moping at the Magic Shop which is nothing new. Practically a hobby for some people. Sure Anya tries to be cheerful and kind of succeeds - it's hard not to laugh when someone forces you to play baseball with ancient statuettes and candles, although Giles didn't really appreciate that. Willow and Xander try to be positive too but fail miserably. The atmosphere basically sucks. Personally I'd rather be doing trig homework, which from me is saying a lot.

Xander and Anya were in a corner arguing. I don't know what their deal is but they've been arguing a lot recently. Willow was in the back where Buffy used to train. Tara was helping Giles at the till, and I noticed Anya sneaking furtive glances in their direction, probably worrying about the money. I was just sitting on my own which is also nothing new.

"Willow!" A familiar voice exclaimed from the back of the shop and everything stopped.

Buffy?

"I should find Spike," It continued brightly. Oh God.

I stood up from the table and walked to the back of the shop. " What the hell are you doing?" I demanded. How could Willow just fix up the robot? Just like that, never mind that Buffy was gone, really gone. For a moment I had thought it was her, just for one moment and God it *wasn't*.

"Dawnie I know this is um a surprise but we really do need the Buffy bot around to help with the Slaying. I mean, we can't do it alone anymore." She told me, pleading with her eyes for me to not make a scene.

"And I take it you weren't even going to ask us? *Me*?" I carried on, trying not to look at the bot.

"I was going to, I didn't know if I could fix it" She said, now coming up with really lame excuses.

Giles stepped up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder, "Dawn"

I stepped back quickly, "Were you in on this too? Did everyone know?" I glared and tried not to cry.

"Just me" Willow said, reaching out a hand towards me, giving me that deer caught in headlights look. I pulled away not wanting her to hug me and try to make it better somehow.

"Look, I'll fix it, get rid of all the Spike 'lovin and it'll be just like... " Willow said and then stopped realising what she was saying.

I stared at her for a couple of minutes. "Just like her? Like Buffy?" I asked angrily, walking back to where I'd been sitting before. I sat back in my seat, looking at the ground, desperately wanting to *not* be here.

I saw green clogs Tara move across the floor to where Willow was and heard them talking quietly. Snatches of conversation drifted in my direction but I didn't want to listen. And I used to be so good at eavesdropping.

More clogs came across the floor, Willow this time and she sat down beside me. I didn't look up.

"Dawn, I'm sorry. I can take her ... it apart again and we can put it away if you want."

Put all the pressure on me, yeah that'll make me feel better.

I sighed. "Just leave her, okay."

Willow hugged me muttering yet another sorry but I didn't hug back so after a while she pulled away.

A few minutes passed and Anya came up to me, offering a handful of dollar bills. I stared, frowning a little.

"Not to keep" She explained, "To make you feel better. I can get you more if you want to count it"

"Oh. Um, no. Thank you." I said, smiling a little at her.

"Okay I think I'm done" Willow announced, taking the robot by the arm and helping it out of the training room. " She's still a little wobbly after well, decapitation but she'll slay okay."

Swell.

The robot smiled cheerfully at us all, "You're my friends" Itshe, which is the right word? pointed out observantly.

"Yeah." Willow said and nodded, forcing a smile for the bot.

She turned to face us, "Guys, I know this is weird "

Then the door clanging roughly open interrupted Willow. Guy with a blanket on his head. Spike. Oh God, things are so not getting better.

He stared at her, the blanket slowly dropping to the ground and I stared at him, which is always the way things have been.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Spike yelled as he saw it. Pretty much my reaction.

"Spike!" Willow said pointedly, looking in my direction. Can't swear in front of Dawn, oh no.

Spike turned and seemed to see me for the first time. I looked up at him, pushing my hair out of my face.

***

A curtain of dark hair swung away from a pale cheek and Dawn looked up at me. All of a sudden I realised that she was beautiful. I mean, I'd always thought of her as pretty yeah, but compared to Buffy, well back then nothing had compared to Buffy. Now I saw Dawn suddenly and clearly. She looked sad. That was the thing I noticed. She was beautiful but she looked sad. Like any minute tears were going to spill out of those innocent blue eyes. Her lips trembled a little and then she was looking down, studying her hands. With a slight shock I realised I was staring.

***

"Um yeah, sorry Nibblet" Spike amended quickly - like everything with us was perfectly normal - and walked across the store, to where Willow was. I heard him speaking to her in a low, angry voice and now I wanted to eavesdrop. I stood up casually, and stepped across the room, stopping at a bookshelf and starting to examine some books like they were the most fascinating thing in the entire world.

"I got rid of all your programming."

I saw Spike stare hard at her. "What? You think I want all that, now?"

"Well anyway it's gone."

"That's not the bloody point."

"What, you want me to ask permission to play with your toy? I didn't tell anyone about the bot, let alone you." Willow snapped.

"Not even Dawn? Didn't you think she might want some kind of warning?" Spike demanded, clenching his fists.

"Since when did you care about Dawn? You've stayed away the past two weeks and you suddenly turn up and expect things to be the same?"

"I expect you to give a damn about everyone else!"

"Don't talk to me about caring, ever since it happened I've been trying toto make things better and Dawn, what are you doing?" Willow said sharply noticing me.

"Just reading," I told her innocently.

"Well um maybe you should go over there and read," She said, gesturing over to where I was before.

"Geez, I'm not allowed to read anymore?" I asked her, frowning a little as I considered their conversation so far. I'm certain Willow was going to say something different, not the making things better thing and then she caught herself and stopped. Maybe she really is trying to do something, I just don't know what.

"Just go over there, okay!" She instructed me, her voice a notch or two away from yelling. I rolled my eyes and obeyed her.

God, I don't know what the heck is up with Willow now. Sure grieving makes people do strange things and everyone copes in different ways that but I lost Buffy too, we all did and she's the only one playing the prima bitch.

Anya forced me to help tidy jars of rat eyeballs and chickens feet after that. Xander went on a doughnut run again - I'm sure we've all put on weight since it happened. A diet of doughnuts and takeaways cannot be good. Blood is probably healthier. Spike stuck around after he'd finished arguing with Willow. Apparently the cinnamon doughnuts taste just like blood. Now there's something I *never* wanted to find out.

***

"High quality uh amulet thingies here" I told a brown haired woman quickly as I saw Dawn approach.

She frowned and looked at me. "Do you work here?"

"Of course I bloody work here!" I said. Supposed to be friendly to customers, right. I quickly smiled brightly at her.

"Uh huh" She muttered, backing away from me. I stared at her, stupid bint, she should be *grateful* for my help.

The woman disappeared out of the shop.

"Spike! You're scaring the customers!" Anya complained, flapping her hands about the place.

Dawn nodded, grinning a little from beside some chicken feet. "*Anya* has better people skills than you" She told me, not actually looking at me.

Anya nodded and smiled at Dawn then screwed up her face a little as she got what the bit was saying, "Hey"

She turned around and headed in the direction of Xander- I swear that girl has a honing beacon fitted on her, "Would you say I have bad people skills?"

"Not *bad*, sweetie. Just uh" Xander fumbled for words and I was left standing there with Dawn. 

Part 5

"So um.." I started to say and immediately felt stupid because what was I going to say?

"Nice chicken feet, huh?" I said seriously. Oh God. There are times when I should just shut my mouth and that was one of them.

"Yeah, real interesting," Spike said equally seriously avoiding all eye contact and picked up a foot and began to examine it.

I nodded a little, for want of nothing better to do. He tapped the chicken foot against the table repeatedly.

"I have food!" Xander called out.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Food is good. Food means I don't have to be all awkward with Spike.

***

I put the chicken foot down and with more enthusiasm than I've had about food in about a hundred years walked over to get some cinnamon doughnuts.

"Did you get jelly?" The old Watcher called out from behind the till.

"Jelly, cinnamon, sugar, you name it, I have it," Xander declared proudly.

"It's starting to show," Anya whispered to Tara gesturing towards Xander's stomach and shaking her head. Tara smiled a little.

"I'm serious!" The ex demon continued. "He should diet. Think what this could do to our sex life!" She added matter of factly.

*Bloody hell*

***

Don't want to know. Ick. Bad sex talk.

Xander munched on a doughnut and appeared to be totally oblivious to the discussion of his weight.

Giles gave Anya a strange look and she gave him a "What?!" shrug. He rolled his eyes which on Giles is really interesting - and took the jelly doughnut out of Anya's hands. She rolled her eyes right back and took a vanilla cream one.

Without thinking, I reached for a doughnut across the counter, my fingers locating a cinnamon one. Spike grabbed the doughnut at the exact same time, his fingers brushing against mine.

***

I stared at Dawn. Again. This is becoming too much of a habit. I must be losing it. Completely and utterly.

"Give it to Dawn," Anya instructed.

I blinked a little, for a minute forgetting where I was and what I was doing as Anya spoke suddenly.

"It's not like you even eat," She told me sternly. I glanced down wondering what she was talking about. Oh. Doughnut. Right.

I pulled my hand away from Dawn's, her fingers still warm against mine, and let her take the doughnut.

***

I bit my lip a little because this is all too weird. I started to eat the doughnut so I had something to do and frowned remembering what Spike had said before. Does blood really taste like this? *Ewww*. I suddenly lost my appetite. We sat and ate in mostly silence for a while longer. Willow glanced at her watch as eleven o'clock dawned and suggested that Giles go home and she would lock up after doing some 'research'. *So* planning something. I just wish I knew what. Giles didn't seem to notice anything unusual about her behaviour but he hasn't really been noticing much recently. I um borrowed an old pendant thing from the Magic Box a while ago but he didn't find out. After that Giles went and then Willow came out with some lame thing about me going home and having a break from this all. Break? I'd spent all day doing nothing, why would I need a break? She instructed Spike to walk me home, which got me panicking.

"I can walk home by myself," I offered. " I don't mind."

"Dawn it's not safe" Willow told me firmly, "Spike will take you, won't you?" She asked, turning to Spike.

He looked confused like he hadn't been paying attention to anything in the past few minutes and just nodded to her, "Yeah."

We walked in silence for most of the way and then in what seemed to be no time at all we arrived at my house and the exact same spot he'd been lurking a few nights ago. Spike suddenly halted in front of me.

"Dawn" He started to say.

I waited for the rest.

"Look, the other nightI'm sorry about what happened. I was just drunk and I wasn't thinking and I shouldn't have," He babbled.

I've never heard Spike babble before and wondered what it meant. I wanted to smile because it was kind of funny but I didn't. Instead I nodded.

"Uh huh. It's okay" I contributed and nodded some more.

He nodded again. "Okay."

Spike looked at me, with actual eye contact then. I looked back at him and then he looked away, quickly opening the house door for me.

"Thanks," I muttered, going in.

"See you, Nibblet," He told me and smiled briefly before disappearing.

Back to Nibblet. Not Dawn.

This was kind of funny and kind of heart breakingly awful too. I closed the door, trying not to think about the heart breakingly awful part of it. It was good that we'd had this conversation. Good because now things wouldn't be so weird and we could just be friends like nothing had ever happened. Just some blind wacky moment of crazyness and drunkenness had caused him to kiss me and that was good too. Really.

This sucks. 

Part 6

It sucks and I hate it. I also hate being left alone here while Willow and Tara are at the Magic Box with the gang. Or what remains of the gang.

It's just depressing. I wonder if this is how Giles feels all alone in his apartment. I sure hope not.

I flicked channels for a few minutes. Elephants on the discovery channel. Some hack 'n slash horror flick, which isn't quite so scary when you see peopleor things being hacked and slashed as a part of your daily routine. A depressing program about cancer that made me think of Mom and want to cry. The news - which is also depressing. All bad.

I went through some more channels and found a late night repeat of 'Passions'. And I watched it. Yep, I *know* I'm being obsessive and compulsive.

So bite me.

***

Even 'Passions' isn't distracting anymore. It was a repeat of the previous episode and the same dumb blonde made the same dumb announcement about snooker at the end so maybe that explains things. I told Dawn some bull about being drunk before. It was the right thing to do. What was I supposed to do, tell her that I hadn't been drunk and I'd meant to kiss her and oh by the way I hadn't loved Buffy in the first place? 

Part 7

I spent the whole day waiting for some surprise thing. By eight I was kind of surprised that nothing had happened. A heck of a lot more time passed, it was nearly ten thirty and everyone carried on like a normal day, or night.

All of a sudden it hit me that they'd forgotten.

I guess I should have expected it, everyone has been so busy recently with trivial things just to keep their minds off the really big important things. Giles and Anya have been working in the shop 24/7 while Giles talks about leaving but never does, Willow and Tara have been researching magick non stop and the whole Buffybot thing too. Of course they forgot. Even though it was perfectly logical I was still upset.

I mean, you'd think they could remember just one little day out of 364, right? I know the only day they were remembering was that day a few weeks ago but I just wish they hadn't forgotten this one. Even a card would have been enough.

I looked around and suddenly Willow, Anya, Xander, Giles and Tara seemed like strangers. I slipped out quietly, knowing they wouldn't notice for a while.

As I walked I couldn't help thinking how this was exactly like the night Spike had kissed me. Maybe I should have expected him to show. That's what vampires do, I guess, lurk a lot.

He yelled my name across the street but I carried on like I hadn't heard.

***

"*Dawn*" I shouted for the third time and she reluctantly stopped and waited for me.

"What?" Dawn asked indifferently.

"You shouldn't be out here on your own."

She rolled her eyes.

"Remember a conversation about *not* walking alone in Sunnydale after dark?" I demanded.

"Yeah. Several million actually," She replied flatly.

"I'm serious Dawn!"

"So am I. You've given me that lecture several million times before."

"You shouldn't be out here on your own," I repeated, trying not to get angry with her, but damn the girl was aggravating.

"Why the hell not? Buffy always did," Dawn told me defiantly, moving her hands to her hips in a seemingly unconscious gesture.

"Buffy was the *Slayer*! You're not." I hardly noticed that Buffy's name hadn't made me want to throw myself on a stake as I carried on, "You're fourteen and "

Dawn mumbled something, interrupting me.

"What?" I asked her.

"Fifteen. I'm fifteen."

"Since when?"

"Since today. It's my birthday" Dawn informed me unenthusiastically.

***

"Oh," Spike said and looked awkward. He peered at me through the darkness, the pale light from a street lamp reflecting on his face and then frowned slightly.

"Shouldn't you be unwrapping presents at some surprise Scooby party that isn't a surprise?"

I shrugged, "Probably. Except that they forgot"

"Not that it's a big deal." I added quickly trying not to sound upset, " I don't mind." I lied.

Spike raised an eyebrow, not buying that.

I sighed, "I just realised that I've never had a birthday before is all. I mean, yes I have but not really, not properly. Just some memories the monks shoved into my head. I remember when we came to Sunnydale, Mom rented out the carousel and Buffy and I rode it all day. And when I was eleven I watched "Nightmare on Elm Street" and was terrified for months. But I didn't really, it wasn't *real*. I don't know, I just wanted my first actual birthday to be somehow normal. Okay so things can't exactly be normal in Sunnydale and afterafter what happened but it would have been nice to get a card and presents, to have just acted normal for a while without having to not mention her name or be so careful not to say the wrong thing."

"Dawn, you're allowed to say her name," Spike broke in.

"I can't, not in front of Willow and Xander and everyone. Everything gets awkward and nobody says anything and then they sit and wish that she wasn't dead. And I feel so guilty." The words spilled out of my mouth and I knew I shouldn't be saying all this, not to Spike but I couldn't help it and I had to tell someone.

"Guilty?" Spike demanded. "What do you have to feel guilty about, Bit?" He honestly looks like he doesn't know.

"She died for me! It was my fault. If it hadn't been for me, she would still be here. I should have jumped off that tower, not her," I told him, angrily.

"Dawn, Buffy made a choice. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have changed her mind and she would never have let you die."

"But she should have!" I protested. "I'm the Key, not her. I was supposed to die. Close the portal. It's what I was made for. She was supposed to live." Tears streaked down my face as I tried to explain.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and made me look at him. "Buffy was the Slayer. She knew that she would die young, that's what Slayers *do*. They don't grow old or get married and have children or any of the normal things. They fight and eventually they die. That's how it works. One dies, another is called. Buffy lived longer than most. At least she died for something worthwhile. She didn't die to save the world, or to kill some demon or vampire, she died for you. Buffy died for something that meant everything to her. She told Giles that if Glory killed you then she would have quit. If you want to think that this is your fault then go ahead, I can't bloody stop you but I'm telling you it wasn't."

I took a deep breath. "Okay," I said softly because some of that made sense. Buffy would have died eventually. I wish it hadn't been then and for me, but at least she lived to twenty. At least Buffy got to be in love, and graduate from High School and go to university and have the best friends she could ever have wanted. She had that.

Suddenly I wanted to cry again because I just realised that I had her, I had such a great sister. Even if she bossed me about and yelled at me for stealing her clothes and exposed me to horror movies when I was eleven, she was the best. I can't believe I had never realised this till now.

"Sorry," I told him, wiping my eyes. "I...I know you loved her."

He shrugged. "Maybe. Love's a funny thing," Spike informed me letting go of my shoulders.

I stared hard at him, what was that supposed to mean? Since when had obsessive claims to love Buffy accompanied with stalking turned into a maybe and a shrug?

He ignored my stare and took my arm and looked at my watch. "C'mon Nibblet, there's not much of your birthday left."

I peered at my watch too. Half past eleven. 

Part 8

" Um, Spike, where are we going?" I asked, after ten minutes of walking through a place that was definitely not the good part of Sunnydale.

"Gambling" He informed me, not turning.

"Oh-kay. Do you even have any money?"

"Yes," He muttered defensively.

"How'd you get it, scaring people with your 'grrrr' face?" I asked sweetly.

He turned and glowered at me.

"Not that that's not a totally valid way to make money" I added hastily.

"Exactly. Also a hell of a lot easier than working. Besides it's kittens not money." Spike told me calmly.

"*Kittens*? You bet kittens? Is this like some demon underworld pet club thing? Demons are nice friendly creatures of the night who like to look after cute little kittens? Wait, oh God, do you eat them? *Can* you even eat kittens?" I stopped and demanded.

"Actually no. Apparently they count as bloody humans," Spike said sourly.

"Good" I said and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well the rest of them eat kittens." He added with a shrug. "Nice and tender."

I stared. Poor kittens. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Miss Kitty for weeks. No, no, don't go there, I told myself. Willow probably just buried her under all the magic junk or turned her into a clog or something. Which granted is bad, but not as bad as getting *eaten*.

"This is the place," Spike announced, turning into a bar.

"Nice," I muttered and followed him in.

***

"You betting her too?" A repulsive mucus demon thing - never did like mucus demons - asked with a leer, gesturing towards Dawn. She looked outraged at this and her small, perfect mouth dropped open.

Bastard. "She's with me," I warned the demon, stepping forward and giving him the intimidating stare. "Don't forget it."

The demon nodded nervously and waved us towards a couple of empty seats at the table.

He dealt out the cards and I saw Dawn's gaze flicker down to a box of mewing kittens on the floor. I nudged her hard, warning her not to say anything.

I watched in shock as the Bit proceeded on to win a howling white thing with claws and fangs. The demons exchanged glances looking pissed off. Dawn seemed to be oblivious to this as she stroked the kitten.

The mucus one shook its head briefly and dealt out the next round of cards, turning to the Nibblet first.

"Twist," Dawn said and won that round too, and then the next. A pile of squealing felines shifted from the basket on the floor to her lap.

"Are we done?" She asked me brightly, scooping the animals up.

I nodded, standing up. Best to make a quick exit.

"Not quite," One of the demons said, clearing its throat.

"Oh?" I arched an eyebrow in his direction.

"The girl cheated." It announced.

"Did not," Dawn said indignantly.

The demon held out its hand for the kittens.

"No!" She protested, pulling them closer to her.

Five demons. Me, the Bit and a whole bunch of kittens. Not good odds.

She elbowed the mucus demon as it tried to grab the animals from her. "Hey!"

Not good odds but what the hell. I spun the demon round to face me and punched it.

***

Spike started to beat the crap out of this demon with really big ears. And this mucus one and another three equally gross demons. I quickly put the kittens into their basket again.

"C'mon" Spike told me, pulling me out of the bar before any of the demons came back into consciousness. I followed him, holding onto the basket with one hand.

"Sorry," I muttered, gesturing to all the bruises that would be appearing soon.

Spike shrugged, "Nothing like a good fight. So, Bit, where'd you learn to play like that?"

"That? I was kind of cheating." I admitted, looking down.

"Bloody hell, Dawn." Spike said in surprise and then laughed.

"Mom and I used to play. With buttons. She taught me how to cheat also."

Spike smiled a little, and gestured to the kittens. "Can we get rid of these things now?"

"No! We saved them from being eaten, we can't just dump them here."

"Sure we can," He told me casually.

I rolled my eyes. "Okay we could but we're not going to. I'll drop them off at the cat and dog sanctuary tomorrow and then some nice people can adopt them."

"Or demons," Spike muttered.

"Will you quit that?"

He smirked and carried on walking.

I looked at my watch again. Oh crap. Way past midnight. They should definitely have noticed I'm gone by now. Probably doing the search parties all over Sunnydale thing.

"Hurry up," I instructed Spike, catching up with him.

"What's the hurry?"

"I didn't exactly tell anyone where I was going is all."

"That was bloody stupid," He said bluntly.

"Thanks," I replied.

"Dawn!" Someone was yelling at me from behind. I turned around quickly.

"Where have you been?" Willow demanded, advancing on me with Tara and Xander tagging behind.

Tara frowned and gestured towards the kittens. "Kittens?"

"We rescued them from becoming demon meals," I said and tried to smile.

"Dawn, you can't just walk out without telling us," Willow carried on.

"Well it's not like anyone even noticed for what, an hour?"

"That's not true. Of course we noticed." Xander protested.

"The same way you remembered my birthday?" I said, looking at them.

"Oh. Oh..." Willow said realising.

"Man" Xander muttered looking guilty.

"Oh God, Dawnie, we completely forgot" Tara said looking upset.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"We're sorry" Willow said genuinely. "C'mon, we'll go home and we can have cake or something. I could decorate the place with magic oh and I'm sure we have some presents somewhere" She smiled enthusiastically.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter. It's not my birthday anymore anyway. Plus I'm really tired." I added.

"Are you sure? 'Cause we could do that."

"I'm sure" For a minute I wanted to just go along with her, do the party thing and act like everything was just the way it used to be. Thing is, it's not. So I shrugged and told her I was sure.

"Okay" She said and gave me a quick hug. I forced a smile and followed her homewards.

"I'd better be going," Spike said awkwardly, standing with his hands in the pockets of his leather duster.

I looked across at him. "Thanks."

Spike nodded and actually smiled, before doing the disappearing into the night thing.

I stared after him.

Tara took my arm and turned me in the right direction. "We'd better get home."

***

My birthday was actually good. Spike was there which is always a plus. And betting was fun. Boy am I glad I didn't tell Willow about that. The way I told it, she now has the impression we somehow came across some demons in the middle of kitten shish kebabs and then Spike kicked their asses. A smile broke across my face for no particular reason. I flicked the light switch off and closed my eyes. 

Part 9

I walked into the Magic Shop. Willow passed a book across the table to Tara, and pulled some herbs out of her pocket. Anya said something that I couldn't hear and Xander patted her on the shoulder. What was going on? I guess they must have gotten in with Anya's key 'cause Giles wasn't there. Weird much. They were having a meeting without Giles? Or Spike, or me?

This wasn't the first time it'd happened either. Just the other day Willow had gotten rid of me so she could have some kind of meeting with the gang, not including Giles. I could name a few other times too. Not to be paranoid, but something really was going on. This wasn't just group hang time.

" Dawn!" Tara said, looking up and suddenly seeing me.

" Hi guys. What's going on?"

Willow hastily put the book into her bag and swept the herbs off the table.

" Nothing. Nothing is going on" She said quickly. What a bad liar.

" Oh - kay"

" How are you today? Sleep well?" Willow asked brightly.

" Uh huh. What's with all the questions?" I asked.

" Nothing." She repeated.

Like I'm going to fall for that. There really is something going on here and I'm going to figure it out.

" Oooh we have presents!" Willow announced.

" You didn't have to get me presents" I protested slightly. But hell yes, they had to get me presents.

" That's what I told them. Birth is a special occasion and there's no point in receiving presents on the wrong day. It's a waste of good, healthy money." Anya told me.

Xander looked across at her.

" What? It *is* a waste of money. We could buy all sorts of things with it like antelopes or zebras oh and stock market shares" She started, her lips curving in a smile at the thought of money.

Everyone looked across at her.

" Happy Birthday!" Anya said with a big smile. " Have some presents"

Willow reached for something under the table and piled a bunch of brightly wrapped presents onto the table.

She beamed at me and I couldn't help smiling back.



* * *



I looked around slightly guiltily. No-one was looking in my direction. I was being the invisible girl again. My gaze flicked to Willow's bag right beside my feet. The corner of the book they had been looking at before
stuck out. It was almost asking me to take a look. So I did.

Osiris.

The word caught my eye and I gasped. Osiris. An Egyptian guy. Um, the god of the dead or something. I don't know. God, he was the one in the spell I used to bring Mom back. In the book with the resurrection spells.

Osiris. Resurrection. Secret meetings. Suddenly everything makes an awful, horrible kind of sense.

Oh my God.

" Dawn?"

I dropped the book on the floor, damn, and tried to put it in the bag, managing to put it in before Willow came round to talk to me.

" Hey" She said, not seeming to notice anything out of the normal.

" Hi!" I said quickly trying not to look guilty and making myself look even worse.

" You okay?" Will asked.

" I'm fine. I'm good. I was um drinking coffee."

" You're too young for that!" Anya called across the store.

" Next she'll be taking drugs and having sex" I heard Anya say it but didn't take it in. I couldn't really take anything in.

Willow made a face. "Anya!"

Anya shrugged.

"Yeah, caffeine makes me jumpy too", Willow continued.

" It's getting late. You want to go home?" She asked.

"Okay"

"Spike can walk you home" Willow added.

" Spike's here?" I brightened slightly, coming back to the real world, trying not to think about the knowledge weighing down on me.



* * *



" You're quiet, Nibblet." I commented.

" Huh?" Dawn asked, jumping

" Oh right, quiet yeah."

I frowned in her direction.

" What is it?" I demanded.

" It's nothing. Just school and stuff."

" Dawn it's the bleedin' summer vacation." I rolled my eyes.

" Oh. But I have homework." She persisted.

" So you've been preoccupied with math this whole time?" I asked sarcastically.

" Uh huh" Dawn said in a small voice.

" Is it the birthday thing? Because Willow and that lot forgot?" I started.

" Nope" Dawn said.

" You're not pregnant or anything...bloody hell, please say you're not?" I panicked.

Dawn stared at me and then gave me a look. "No. No!"

" God! I can't believe you would think that. Do I look like the kind of person that..that does that? I mean, I've only ever ki - never mind. I am so not having this conversation with you." She finished starting to blush and folded her arms across her chest defensively.

I glanced at her, almost smirking.

" Leave me alone" Dawn protested, walking faster.

I laughed. Couldn't help it.

" You know what? I'm just going to walk by myself from now on. It's not like anything's out here. But if there is and if I get killed or whatever you can feel guilty." She informed me.

I looked down briefly as memories swept my brain. Dawn up there on that tower. That bastard slicing into her.

I didn't let them show on my face.

" All right." I said casually. Not gonna leave her alone out here for a single minute.

Dawn turned to face me. "*All right*?"

She turned back round, offended and walked faster. I just grinned and followed behind her, watching the shadows nearby for any signs of danger.

A noise broke the silence as some garbage cans toppled over.

Dawn jumped, startled and grabbed for my arm.

" What was that?" She asked urgently.

A barking sounded in the air.

" A dog"

" Oh." She rapidly let go of my arm.

" You're right love, there's nothing out here." I said mockingly.

" It could have been a werewolf." She muttered.

" Yeah. Sure could have been."

" Oh look, my house" Dawn said with relief as we reached 1630.

" And by the way, I' m not even inviting you in for hot chocolate." She added.

" I prefer blood."

Dawn rolled her eyes and completely unexpectedly, out of the blue, slid her jacket and top off her shoulder, exposing pale white flesh and the soft curves of her neck to me. She pushed down a pale aqua bra strap and looked up at me.

" Go ahead" She smirked.



* * *



I was just kidding. I really was. But suddenly everything turned serious.

He seemed to force a laugh. " Forgotten about this chip, pet?"

" Would it stop you?" I asked.

He took a step closer and peered at me.

A pale vampire hand reached and stroked down my neck in an unexpected gesture. Oh.

I gasped, surprised.

Spike's hand slid gently up and down my neck, fingers tenderly caressing my skin before he removed it.

I looked up at him and then rapidly, suddenly, hastily he pulled away from me entirely.

" Spike?" I started to say, but he was walking quickly back in the direction we'd come from.



* * *

Oh my God. What was that about? Why did he do that?

I'm confused and oh God, I shouldn't be thinking about this, about Spike. Willow had a book with Osiris in it. That means resurrection. She...they're going to bring Buffy back. 

Part 10

It couldn't mean anything else right? Osiris couldn't be the Egyptian god of resurrection and also puppies? They *could* be doing a spell with puppies. Man, what am I talking about, what else could it possibly mean?

Wait, I should be *happy*. Ecstatic. Not wigging out like this. I mean, we all miss Buffy. 'Miss' doesn't begin to cover it. Her being gone is killing us. Willow cries when she thinks nobody can see. Giles hasn't been the same since. I've seen Anya holding Xander when he quits being all macho and guy like, and just needs to cry.

And me? I've cried more times than I can count. I've lain awake at night wishing, that she would be here again. Thinking back to that night and thinking how I could have stopped her. I don't *think* I could have.

But I'll never know.

I fantasised about her coming back a million times, but I...I don't think it's right. Not like this. When I tried to bring Mom back, Tara told me that it was wrong, that we didn't have the right to mess with life and death. And we don't. I didn't then and I don't think Willow does now.

I'd have thought Tara would have tried to stop her. Maybe Willow persuaded her. Anya should know that this is insane and wrong and against everything natural though. And Xander, maybe Xander would have wanted this. He used to love her. I know he loves Anya now, that's easy to see, but a part of him will always belong to her. When she was gone, he fell apart.

Angel didn't come for the funeral. I don't think he *could* come. She was the love of his entire existence. She never got over him as much as she tried with Riley. Perhaps coming to watch her being put in the ground was just too much. He's gonna live *forever*...and she didn't.

It wasn't even a proper funeral. We didn't tell anyone, just buried her out in the woods. But he knew. Willow went to see him and he just *knew* what it was before she said a word. If everything wasn't so heart shattering and terrible that might even be romantic. Cordelia and Wesley came to Sunnydale though. Cordy muttered some apologies about how Angel couldn't make it. Later on she cried. I had never thought that Cordelia had even liked Buffy. But she cried for her. Ruined her mascara and perfect makeup. Maybe they weren't friends and maybe they spent High School with claws out at each other but Cordy knew Buffy and I think she respected her for what she did. I guess Buffy coming here and Cordelia finding out about vampires and *helping* shook up her world more than a little.

We couldn't tell Riley. Nobody knew where he was, and besides he *had* left. I suppose he did love her but if you really love someone wouldn't you want to stay with them no matter what? You wouldn't run away. It seems like that's what he did.

I know Angel left her too but that's different, things were so complicated and he was all noble and thought it was *better* for them. That she could have a normal life that way. After the intensity of what they had had I didn't see how anything could be normal for her ever again. If only he had known how Buffy had cried afterwards. She spent another summer moping over him. I got so sick of it, honestly, I told her just to go and find him. She loved him, he loved her, wasn't it that simple? Buffy just looked sad and shook her head.

I used to have a crush on Angel too.

But Riley, I think in the end it was better that he went - she didn't love him and even if he had stayed I don't think she would ever have. Tara and Anya didn't know Buffy all that well. Not like Willow and Xander did. They were her friends though. That's what counts. And it's tragic and unfair that she's gone but they're moving on, dealing with it somehow. They should be. I think we all have to. I think wherever she is, it's *good*. She was a good person. It makes sense she would go to a good place I want her back too though. I know this is wrong and screws with the order of life but...I miss her. I miss her so much. 

Part 11

I can't tell Spike. The major awkwardness factor aside, he would *freak*. Giles? He wouldn't want them to do this, he'd stop them. Or I could quit avoiding the issue by thinking of people who'd help and actually do something. It's that simple. All I have to do is speak to them, tell them it's wrong. That's all. But why don't I want to?

I padded downstairs. It's not like I can sleep with things as big as this on my mind. I made a mug of hot chocolate and considered that they probably wouldn't do anything until Giles was gone. Because he would be pissed at them, misuse of magic and all plus the going behind his back. I briefly thought that maybe that was why Anya wants him out of the shop but no she wants *control*. And to be in charge of the money. All I have to do is keep Giles here in Sunnydale, California and far away from England and there will be no resurrection of any kind. Mentioning the wrongness of resurrection casually wouldn't do any harm either. Listening in on their conversations could help although that can lead to badness. Like I wanted to know everything that Xander and Anya did last night. I don't think Tara did either. I concentrated on how I could discourage them and tried to ignore the huge part of me that wants Buffy back here.

I finished my hot chocolate and put the mug in the dishwasher, not noticing the empty shelf where Willow and Tara usually keep their spell books or seeing a receipt from Ebay or hearing the empty silence that was settled over the house.

Maybe I didn't want to see it. I walked upstairs back to my bed and slipped under the covers.

I closed my eyes. 

Part 12

I was woken later that night by a wild knocking at the door. What the hell? Who on earth would be visiting at this time of night, I glanced at my watch and it was just after midnight. No excuse to be visiting.

Sighing, I headed downstairs and reached to open the door, grabbing a stake first because midnight visitors were never good. I pulled it open.

Spike jumped back. " Bloody hell, Bit, you could do some serious damage with that thing." He exclaimed.

I shrugged. " It could have been a vampire without a chip in his head" I explained, kinda bitchily actually.

" We have bigger problems than that." He said, walking in. I closed the door behind him, suddenly aware of the fact I was wearing my new Hello Kitty pyjamas, ack - couldn't I be wearing some regular clothes in the middle of the night?

" Cute" Spike commented with a smirk, looking me over.

I tried not to be affected and shrugged. " It comes naturally. So bigger problems?"

He smiled in that heart pounding Spike way for a semi second and then switched to seriousness again.

" All your Scooby mates are out. Not *missing* out, *planned* out. The witches in?"

I frowned. " II don't think so. Let me check" Oh God, what if it's *now*?

" They're not here" I called down to him after checking their room. Oh God.

" Didn't think so" He muttered

" You noticed they were having secret meetings?" I asked him curiously

Spike nodded. " I don't know what the hell they're up to but it's not good. Something's been bugging Red this entire summer and I'm not willing to sit around and find out what she's doing." He said grimly.

" Well maybe she's just *grieving*. How do you know they're doing something..bad?"

" You know something about this?" Spike asks suddenly, looking closely at me.

" No!" I protested quickly.

****

Too quickly.

" Dawn what are they doing?" I demanded.

" I don't know" She said weakly.

" Dawn" I repeated.

She sighed and sat down on the stairs hugging her knees to her chest. For a moment she looked so small and fragile I just wanted to hold her. *Buffy*, I thought to myself - for some reason thinking of her helps keep away all these bad Dawn thoughts, except the thought of Buffy then turns my thoughts to Dawn again. Dawn being her sister. Her *fifteen* year old sister. Or *thousands* of years old sister - if you think of it that way it doesn't sound nearly so bad and I don't feel nearly so guilty. I've thought of a thousand ways to feel less guilty but they don't help.

" I didn't know they'd do it now." She said.

" Do *what*?"

" The other day in the magic shop I looked in Willow's bag and I found a book on Osiris. Resurrection" She clarified, looking at me.

Oh God.

" And a list of things to collect, um an Urn of Osiris, wine of the mother" Her voice trailed off guiltily.

" The stupid bitch." I said angrily.

" Willow's not...she was just trying to helpto make things better." Dawn tried to defend her.

" She doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Magic, these spells, they have *consequences*. You should bloody know that!" I yelled at her. " Why didn't you do something?"

" Like what? It's not like any of them listen to me anyway." Dawn stands up from the stairs, looking more like she was going to cry than defiant.

" I miss her" She said suddenly.

" I know you do, Nibblet, but this magic won't help." I said gently, regretting yelling at her.

" Tell Willow that! I had nothing to do with it all. I just knew and... "

***

I just knew and I didn't do anything was all, I thought silently and guiltily to myself. I didn't *want* to do anything and I made plans but I'd never have done something to really stop them. Isn't that terrible?

" Maybe we can still stop them." I said half-heartedly. I couldn't help thinking that whatever happened would be my fault simply because I hadn't stopped them.

Spike nodded. " Maybe."

" I'll just get changed." I told him, quickly going upstairs, I slipped out of my pyjama's and found some jeans, a tank top and a fleece to put on.

" Where would they go?" I asked as I ran downstairs.

Spike looked at me. " Where do you go when you want to resurrect someone?"

" Oh." I said, realisation dawning on me.

The graveyard for anyone else. But Buffy who nobody knew was dead apart from us? The woods where we buried her. Silent and green and pretty but ominous at night in the dark. I nodded and tried to ignore the growing sense of dread that was overtaking me. 

Part 13

I shivered a little. Visiting woods in the cold dark night is just a bad idea. But bringing Buffy back from the dead? That's a worse idea and so I guess we have to be visiting woods in the cold dark night. I ran a couple of steps to catch up with Spike who was striding ahead in that vampire walk.

My feet stopped as I heard voices towards my left. Chanting. Oh no. I started to mentally count how many times I've thought 'oh no' recently but this really isn't the time.

" Do you hear that?" I asked him nervously.

Spike tilted his head to the side listening. " That ominous chanting noise? Sounds a hell of a lot like Red?"

I nodded.

He pushed violently through the trees and I followed.

Oh no. Must be the billionth time I've thought that but right then not caring so much. They were sitting in a circle, Anya, Willow, Tara and Xander by the gravestone. Something hit me hard then because that was my sister underneath the ground. That was her gravestone right in front of me. I'm reminded once more of how she's gone. I glanced across at Spike and saw a similar look in his eyes. Similar but different. That look that shows he's in love with Buffy was all over his face and I sighed.

" Willow!" Anya said as she looks up and sees us, looking oh so guilty. And so she should. She nudged Willow's arm and I gasped as I looked at Willow. There was cuts running down her arms and her eyes had turned black in that serious bad ass Wicca way.

Tara shook her head. " She's deep in the spell."

" Then get her out of it" Spike demanded roughly.

" But Buffy" Xander started to protest.

" Forget Buffy. You're not bringing her back. I don't know what the bloody hell possessed you lot to do this but you have to stop. She's gone. Deal with it."

Harsh words and I saw it hurt them. Especially Xander. Willow was so out of it with the spell that she hadn't even noticed our presence. I'd be lying to say that hearing Spike say that didn't cut me to the bone too. And the bitterness in his voice? Don't even go there.

" Tara, you told me this was wrong when I tried to bring back Mom. How can it be right now?" I asked, looking at her.

" It's not." She said softly in reply, her eyes not meeting mine. " It never was. But we decided to do it. It's what Willow wanted, what we wanted. Buffy was killed by mystical energy and we don't know where she is."

I frowned. " What, you mean you guys think she's in hell?" Oh God. The thought never crossed my mind and it doesn't sound real to me now. How could it be? This is Buffy, my sister. And sure she killed things but not people. Not the good kind. She wouldn't go to hell. She was the Slayer for godsakes, she *helped* people.

Tara looked down. " We don't know" She repeated.

I started to shake my head. " No. She's not. I... I think we would know if she wasn't okay"

" Get her out of this" Spike said again gesturing towards Willow. "Or I'll do it."

He didn't give Tara or any of them a chance to answer. Spike started to shake Willow then. He shook her hard and she finally noticed that we're here. Her eyes flashed black and she pushed against Spike, her nails scratching him.

" No! The spell." She protested, as the cuts in her arm fade. " Stop it. I have to finish the spell"

Suddenly without warning Willow sent out a bolt of magical power knocking Spike aside. It was blue and as bright as sparks from a fire. He flew backwards, hitting the ground hard and I heard him curse under his breath. Willow gasped, mostly in surprise at herself I think, and the cuts healed fully, her eyes changing to regular Willow colour. They darted across the clearing to where Spike was lying, then to me, and then Tara.

She got up, shaking. The spell's over before it got finished and instead of looking angry she just looked sad. Like she's about to cry.

" It's okay, sweetie" Tara said gently, standing up and then putting her arms around Willow. She does cry and I can only make out snatches of words. The whole thing seemed intensely private so I looked away, feeling awkward. Eavesdropping seemed completely inappropriate and rude. Anya blew out her candle and Xander got up, stretching a hand to help her up. She dusted off her jeans for mud, practically and methodically. I didn't know how she could be so calm.

I glanced at the grave. I didn't want to but I didn't think I could deal with looking at Spike. I looked at it and I could almost imagine a stirring under the ground and then a settling and a kind of peace. Stopping this was the right thing to do. I didn't realise how hard it was to do it until now though. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if we'd been here a few minutes later. Maybe a part of me wishes we had but I ignore that part of me just as I've learned to ignore the part of me that constantly thinks about Spike. It's done now. She was already gone, it shouldn't feel like we've lost her again. Looking at Willow, crying against Tara though and Anya and Xander leaning on each other for support, holding hands, it felt that way.

Then I looked at Spike. He was looking at the gravestone and has that look again. I hate that look. Sounds childish and it is but I do. I hate déjà vu as well and right now I remember everything about the night she died. Everyone's faces. Having to walk down the steps of that tower, suddenly alone. Her words to me. All of it. The memories began to choke me and I turned away from it all. The woods were dark but somehow inviting. Like I could get lost in them and never have to go back. I walked slowly into them away from everyone and I didn't mind that they don't notice I'm gone. Right then I wanted to be gone. 

Part 14

" If I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
If I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love"


It started to rain then. Not the kind of rain that drips and spits at the ground but the rain that falls and fall, that doesn't stop, like tears. I know this rain well. It rained like this the day after the night Buffy died. I suppose it meant something that it was raining then, that things had come full circle. I ran my hands through my hair, and wasn't surprised that it was drenched already.

I ran outside last time it rained like this and stood there in the rain and let it soak me. I don't know how long I was out there that day but eventually I had felt Tara shaking me. She led me inside and I remember thinking that it was Tara and that was okay but it wasn't my Mom and it wasn't Buffy. It wasn't ever going to be them and that wasn't okay.

Now it's that same rain that bruises me but I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to cry on Tara' s shoulder and act like things are alright. I finally figured out that they're not. I don't think they're going to be for a long while. This is real and I have to deal with that.

" Nibblet, you're soaking" Spike's voice called across the clearing.

" When did I stop being Dawn? I asked and turned around to face him.

He looked up. " You're still Dawn"

" Uh huh. That's why you won't look at me properly anymore and don't call me by my proper name anymore" I said matter of factly.

Spike shrugged still not looking at me. " I never did call you by your proper name, Bit"

I rolled my eyes and leaned against a tree. I folded my arms across my chest and sighed. I'm tired of this and I don't think I can do it anymore.

" Is that all you wanted? To avoid talking to me properly and observe that I'm wet?" I snapped at him and if I had to act like a bitch, Spike wasn't the person I would have chosen to be mean to but I was so sick of this. People lie when they say things aren't awkward after certain events happen, like a kiss for example. Nothing has been the same since and I hated how awkward things are. You're supposed to forget about it and move on but I keep remembering.

Spike looked at me directly then. " I wanted to see if you were okay, Dawn"

I looked down, trying to ignore the hurt in his voice and the pointed way that he said Dawn. I shake my head.

" The only reason you give a damn is because of Buffy. You'd rather be over there, moping at her grave than here so maybe you should just go do that"

Oh God. I shouldn't have said that. What was I thinking? It was mean and unfair and I wish it wasn't true.

Spike strides over to me and grabs me by the shoulders. And I keep remembering.

" Dawn, you know that's not true. Where the hell do you get this?"

" Where do I get this? Were you somehow not there during your stalker phase for Buffy?"

* * *

I'd been trying to avoid this conversation with her for weeks. I didn't want to talk to her about this because maybe these feelings would go away, it would stop. It's obvious she does want to talk about it, it's obvious they're not going to just go away and I can't avoid this again. What is it they say? Honesty is the best policy...where the hell did I get that? Maybe I *have* been watching Passions too much. Of course they also say the truth hurts.

It doesn't matter. I was never one to look before I leaped, or think before I spoke anyway. Life's short, even for me. There's no point in waiting around to say and do things and I started to wonder why I'd never thought of it this way before. When did I start thinking about what I was going to say and when did I stop doing things I wanted to do - like kissing Dawn on numerous occasions? I can't remember but not anymore, it's been too long like this.

"Dawn yes I had feelings for your sister. I wanted her." I began.

Dawn looked down and started to bite her lip. She does that when she's nervous.

" Look at me." I instructed and her blue eyes glanced up to meet mine.

" I even respected her in a way. Whatever way a vampire can respect a Slayer, I respected her. Buffy was a good person, hell I even liked her. But I didn't love her, I wasn't in love with her. For a while I thought I was, maybe because of this chip. I don't know, I'm not a bloody psychologist. The point is I wasn't in love with her and I'm not now."

Dawn frowned slightly. " But you said you were...I mean you acted like you were, I thought... " She started to say.

I shrugged. " I was wrong. I don't want to be at that grave mourning Buffy. She should be mourned but I don't want to be there right now. I want to be here with you."

* * *

" I wasn't drunk when I kissed you, Bit, I'm not now" He finished and his hand reached out to cup the side of my face.

"Oh" That was all I could say which was pretty stupid considering. There were probably a hundred things I should have said but I couldn't think of any of them then. 'Me too' didn't seem like it would cut it either.

It didn't seem to matter. I was suddenly unaware of the rain and the fact that I was soaking through. I barely registered Spike's fingers lightly touching my lips and didn't control my fingers that were reaching for his and my lips that were pressing against his lips. He kissed me and I forgot the rain.

All of the rain. This was real too and it was finally a real I wanted to be in. The rain is eventually going to stop falling, I know that.

I closed my eyes, lost in this real and I could feel that.