Title: A Slayers Holiday: There and Back Again
Author: Wildecate
Rating: G - for the moment
Notes: Since you were all so nice the first time round, here we go again.
Pairing: None as yet
Credits: Joss Whedon/JRR Tolkein - ya de ya de ya

Buffy stepped out into the warm sunlight from her chamber. She stood on the balcony that ran round the edge of her room, looking out over the city. The sun was high in the cloudless sky and she could see the ocean glinting in the distance beyond the elegant spires of the city. She moved back into the chamber again, taking her time to look around at the beautiful carvings along the walls, the exquisite paintings on the walls.

Buffy tried not to dwell on the walls, hampering her, holding her in, keeping her prisoner. She forced herself to breathe slowly in and out, reciting calming words quietly to herself. Today was her first day by herself. Haldir had persuaded Legolas to go riding with him that morning and Buffy, feeling guilty that he had spent every waking hour with her, had made him go. She adored him but she needed her solitude. He was constantly watching her, and though she knew he cared deeply about her, she needed her freedom to frown if she wanted, to cry if she wanted without him worrying over her.

Suddenly the need to be outside was overwhelming and she opened her door and headed down the stairs. Buffy had no real idea where she was going, only that she needed to be in the fresh air, to feel the sun on her face and the grass beneath her feet. She did not meet anyone in her rush to get outside and, reaching and crossed the paved entrance hall, flung the main door wide open and stood there, frozen.

The first thing that she noticed was the sun, the warmth across her skin. It was almost an embrace, warming her. Buffy closed her eyes as the brightness initially blinded her but slowly re-opened them, adjusting her vision to the bright garden. Next the smell, it was intoxicating. She just stood there, eyes turned skywards, breathing deeply. The scent of the flowers, rich and heady, the freshly cut grass smell tickling her nose. The birdsong rang in her ears, inviting her to step out into the garden.

Buffy began by following the paved path but soon abandoned it for a more pleasurable journey, her sharp ears hearing the sound of bubbling water and heading off across a wide green lawn to find it. The lawn sloped down to meet a narrow stream, moving fast across a bed of stones. Buffy pulled off her soft leather shoes and dug her feet into the fragrant grass, feeling the blades tickle her toes. She sank to her knees and then glancing around to make sure she was alone, slid to the edge of the stream and, pulling up her long skirt, dangled her feet into the cool water.

This felt so good. How long had it been since she had been alone? Just alone? Her and the world. Her and no one else. She had been alone when she had been patrolling through the cemeteries at night but then she had always been on her guard, ready to fight. Here she could relax - there were demons to fight, only those she had brought with her. Whoa! Where had that deep thought come from? Buffy laid back on the grass, dabbling her feet in and out of the water and gazed up in the blue sky.

She had no idea how long she lay like that, just staring, mind empty of everything until a quiet rustling noise signalled the presence of someone else. Buffy sat up and turned to see a beautiful elf maid moving towards her. Elves, as a rule, did not make any noise, but she had purposely brushed against some bushes so that Buffy wouldn’t be startled.

Buffy gazed at up her. The elf was one of the most beautiful beings she had ever seen and that was definitely saying something in this realm. Legolas was stunning, beating Angel hands down easily, Buffy waited for the familiar twinge in her stomach as she thought of Angel but there was nothing. This elf was truly beautiful, her eyes deep and kind, she had a luminous presence that lifted Buffy’s heart and calmed her mind.

“Do I disturb you?” she asked in a sweet low voice “I will leave you to your solitude if you wish.” Buffy realised the sun was dipping low in the sky and that she had been there most of the day.

“I’ve been alone all day. I’d be happy for company.” Buffy gestured for the elf to sit down, which she did very gracefully. Buffy observed the woman openly and the elf smiled.

“I haven’t met you before?” asked Buffy “You seem familiar”.

“We have met but I doubt you were coherent enough to remember. You seem much better now.” The elf woman smiled at her and Buffy couldn’t help the smile that broke across her face.

“I have been a little out of it” admitted Buffy “Everything seemed so strange. So different.”

“It is a unique place” agreed the elf “Tell me about where you are from.”

Buffy couldn’t help herself, the words flowed so easily and the need to tell someone about Sunnydale, the vampires, the fighting, the agony and responsibility of being a Slayer all welled up inside of her and came out in one big rush. She started at the beginning, telling the elf about Hemery, about Merrick and her first vampires, Lothos. She told of the horror which had changed her from an air headed bimbo into a responsible and mature young woman. A duty that she had no choice about, only that she had to endure it, the knowledge that every night she went out might be her last.

Buffy spoke of Angel, her love for him and how she had felt so betrayed when he had left her. Still the elf said nothing and Buffy continued to talk. She remembered Riley, her strong rock who too had betrayed her in his own way, leaving her to face her hardest task of all.

The words which had started as a flood now slowed to a trickle.

“I remember standing there, just standing there and looking at her. My little sister, who wasn’t my sister at all. All those memories that I have of us together, her crying after Dad left, her birthday - we went to the fair and she got scared on the big wheel. All of that was a lie. But I still loved her. She was part of me, part of my family.”

“She was the girl you could have been” said the elf softly.

Buffy looked up at her, her eyes clouded in tears “Yes, that’s it. She was the chance I never had at a normal life. I just thought that if I could protect her. If I could keep the demons away from her, she would be able to have all the things I never had. A childhood. A chance to grow up and not worry about what she had to fight that night. Whether she would die that night. I would make sure that she would never be in danger again.”

“What did you do?”

Buffy shrugged and looked away from the elf and back out to the setting sun. The elf observed the girl, she had fine features, almost elven in their delicacy, her hair glowing deep gold in the fading sunlight. The bruises beneath her eyes had disappeared over the time she had been in Valinor and she looked almost alive again. It wasn’t her body that was bruised and broken. It was her soul. She had been betrayed by those people that she had trusted the most, whom she had been most intimate with. No wonder she was world weary and desperate for release.

“I jumped” said Buffy simply “It was her or me. So I jumped.”

“That was very brave of you”

“Brave? Bravery doesn’t come into it. At first, when I started slaying I thought I was brave. I battled my closest friend and sent him to Hell. I thought that was brave. Everyone told me I was brave. And then I found myself just doing it. Just going through the motions.”

“Fighting every night without caring whether you lived or died?” the elf questioned.

“Spike called it a death wish. Said that every Slayer had one eventually. I questioned him for nights and nights about it. Spike killed two Slayers so he told me everything. And he was right.”

“Right about what?”

“I did crave it. Death.” Buffy looked back at the beautiful creature before her. “Not that you could know what that is like, wanting to be dead.”

“I have seen many people come and go over the years Buffy, a human life is a blink of an eye in comparison to the time of the elves. But I mourn their passing. I miss their presence. Do you think that it was this need, this death wish that led you to jump? Because you wanted to die?” the elf took Buffy’s hand and ran her fingers down the palm.

Buffy found herself caught in the deep blue eyes, and again she was standing on top of the tower, staring into Dawn’s frightened eyes. She turned and saw the sun rising, fighting its way through the clouds. She looked down and saw her friends fighting below her. She knew what she had to do and, yes, there was a feeling of relief. But it was relief that she could do something about this, that it would be her and not Dawn. Dawn would get the chance to live.

The elf moved her hand up to Buffy’s face, touching the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. She stood beside Buffy on that tower, she could see what was going through her mind and then watched as Buffy turned away and ran down the rickety iron gangway, diving off the end and being caught by the energy. The elf moved away from Dawn who was frozen now, an expression of agony and pain on her face, to the end of the gangway as she watched the energy ripple around Buffy and then close.

“What did you do?” asked Buffy, stunned. “It felt so real.”

“I took you back to the time of your death, to your most traumatic moment. You stood alone, no friends, no Watcher, no family. Just yourself.”

“Oh my God” Buffy whispered “I wanted it. Spike was right all along.”

“You wanted an end to the pain. And you feel guilty because you wanted it. That is your torment. Too long you served that world, you became what they wanted you to be, what you had to be to survive. You do not have those demands here. Here you can be free. You can be the girl you dreamed of being. And you can love whom you choose.”

Buffy stared up at the elf through her tears “Who are you?” she whispered.

The elf smiled kindly at her, stroking gentle fingers across Buffy’s brow and then down her cheeks, wiping her tears away.

“I am Galadriel”.




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