Title: Actuality
Author: AllytheVamp
Email: Marie_214@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: not mine. Joss owns it.
Setting: After 'That Old Feeling'.
Dedication: To the guy who always smiles at me.

“I guess there was something else you needed to tell me right?”

The words froze me and I started to think that maybe I wasn’t ok. She stood in the doorway with that stupid You’d-Better-Talk-To-Me look. I hated that. I grew to dread it, because every time I was confronted with it I ended up spilling my guts. I hated doing that too.

“So what was it that you need to tell me? Really?” Cordelia stood there in the doorway and tried to look casual.

I smiled slightly at her demeanor. It was so like her to do that. She’d never admit anything without a fight. Certainly she’d never admit that she was extremely nervous to be here after what had happened last time we had been in the same room. I rose from my chair and slid my hands into my pockets. I wanted to touch that hair so badly.

“How’d you get in?” I asked.

“The doorman is a pervert,” she informed me, her face scrunching up in disgust. “He said I owed him a ‘favour’ on his break. Then he licked his finger. It was disturbing!”

I laughed. “Yeah that’s Gus for ya. How’s Dead Boy?”

“Angel,” Cordy glared at me. “Is fine. You aren’t fooling anyone you know.”

I shrugged. “Really? What would I be…”

“Xander you sent me a letter that said you really needed to talk to me. So I called you and you said it was nothing. It was just that you wanted to tell me that Willow and Oz broke-up. As much as that sucks I KNOW that you weren’t just writing to tell me that!”

Stupid perceptive Cordy. I instantly missed the good old days when she didn’t have a clue. These visions she’d been having made her different. Definitely more grounded than she had been and (unfortunately) a lot more perceptive.

The truth was I was obsessed with her. Bordering on it, anyway. I had missed her ever since I had to go to Angels. I thought that she was out of my system but I had to go as far as breaking up with Anya to see that there was no way it was happening. Everyone had an idea. They just didn’t know that she was all I thought about. In every situation, her face popped into my head. I didn’t know how to let go! Even in every situation I thought, “I wonder what Cordy would think about this?”

I was a pathetic man.

I was whipped.

And there was no way I was letting her know that.

“I…I’m thinking about going into writing.” I blurted out.

Cordy blinked. “Writing?”

“Yeah. I mean I’ve had about all the adventure I can handle. I figure maybe I can make a buck off it.” That sounded ok. I could write pretty well. The whole thing was just…how was I going to get started?

“So you made me come all the way here to tell me that?” Cordy shook her head and her eyes sparkled with frustration. “Xander what is your trip?”

“Well I haven’t told anyone yet and I wanted you to be the first to know!” I defended myself. Pretty lame but it at least gave me an opening for a good spar.

“Well I’m honored,” Cordy’s voice dripped with the sarcasm I missed so badly. I smiled. “But Angel has a crisis at home and Wesley is the worst fighter since you! I need to get back and help with the mayhem!”

Something hit me right then. If there were a crisis…why in the world would she come to me? Wouldn’t she have blown me off on the phone? She had stopped everything to come down and see me…

My half-smiled formed into a grin and I laughed. Cordy came right up to me, hands on her hips.

“What is it now?” She growled.

“You still care about me.” I said simply.

Cordy blanched and looked taken aback. “Uh…well of course I do dorkhead…”

“No, I mean why would you leave your crew in the middle of an important fight just to come and hear my plans?” I gave her a pointed look.

“ Xander,” She threw up her hands and turned her back to me. “Why do you insist on complicating everything, when in actuality it’s really quite simple?!”

“What’s so simple about it?” My voice quieted down and I felt a strange sense of foreboding.

Her eyes filled with a strange look of sadness and apprehension. “We can’t be together.”

“Now who’s complicating things?” I snorted, unwilling to admit the desperation inside me. Why not? Why couldn’t we anyway?

“Xander I know what you’re thinking. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“Harder?” I stared hard at her. “How could I possibly make this harder! You’re telling me that even though we care about each other and we’ve had enough time apart…we can’t be together because of some twinkie reason you’ve been telling yourself is actuality? How can anything make that harder?”

“Actuality sucks Xander.” She replied softly, touching my face with those soft hands. THAT was her excuse??

I grabbed her, pulling her into a hug. I ran my hands over the soft strands on her head and breathed her in. If we couldn’t be together at least I needed a hug.

“It’s not a twinkie reason.” She lowered her head, as she pulled back. “I don’t feel that way about you…as much as it would be the easiest thing to do.”

Bull, I wanted to yell. I saw it in her eyes. I kept quiet.

“Look, I’m glad about your writing, but I need to go home now. Please stop doing this!” She gave me a half-hearted smile and glided to the door.

I found my voice when she reached the hallway.

“Actuality,” I croaked. “It sucks.”

Cordelia nodded in agreement and closed the door. I turned back to my computer screen and clicked on ‘save’. Maybe my lie would actually work out.

FIN