Title: Better This Way
Author: Wildecate
Email: Wildecate@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss and not to me ya de ya de ya....
Song by Sarah McLachlan from her album "Mirrorball"
Summary: Buffy and Angel think about the reasons why it is better this way

Hold On
Hold on to yourself for this is going to hurt like hell


Buffy was walking alone in the moonlight. She knew that she wouldn't be bothered. Vampires tended to leave her alone at the moment and she guessed that it was by Angelus' orders. She could feel him watching her. The only time she felt truly safe was during the day when she knew he could not follow her. The rapid change from light to dark had stunned her - the love that she was just beginning to experience was ripped away and now she was left with nothing. He knew how much that night had meant to her - the things he had whispered in her ear, now he was calling them lies. Were they lies? When was it he had turned? She tried to repress a shiver running down her spine that the hands that had touched her so intimately had been Angelus's not Angel's. There was a difference, she knew it and she made sure everyone else did too. Apart from Xander who had never really seen him as anything else other than evil, they all made the effort. Xander was of the opinion that Angel was Angelus and Angelus was Angel, there was no difference, soul or no soul. Buffy had never realised the difference his soul had made until it was gone.


Hold On
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell


He was watching her, the moonlight glinting off the blonde hair, he could smell her in the darkness. She would never know how close he was. He watched her while she was sleeping, her dark lashes spread beautifully across pale skin. He felt a surge of longing and pressed himself agains the glass of her window pane. Even if it was open he would not have been able to enter. She had protected herself and her friends as best she could and had denied him access to her house. He smiled to himself for a moment, that didn't matter. She could not deny him access to her head, no matter how hard she tried.


What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing
My love, you know that you're my best friend
You know that I'd do anything for you and my love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true


Buffy took a long deep breath and eyed the man standing in front her. She could feel the ancient sword heavy in her hands and her stomach twisting sickeninly. The doorway swirled behind him and she could see the darkness approaching rapidly.

(This isn't fair, this isn't fair - she pleaded silently. I can't do this)

The darkness began to take shape and her eyes widened slightly as the images of demons began to take shape. She looked back at Angel again and saw confusion and love in his eyes. She took a deep breath and lifted the sword and plunged it in his chest.

Angel looked up in shock and felt himself falling away, being pulled backwards. He felt like he was being torn apart, every cell in his body howled for respite but there was none. And all he could see as he was dragged backwards was Buffy, with blood on her hands and a look of utter guilt on her face.


Am I in heaven or am I.... at the cross roads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow
And we will see another day
And we will praise it and love the light
That brings a smile across your face


Buffy was dreaming - her limbs twitched as in her mind she was running. It wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. It was Angel, she could hear him calling to her and she was running but she couldn't find him.

She awoke minutes later bathed in sweat, panting as if she had just run a marathon. She rose and looked out the window looking down on an unfamiliar street. It had been nearly a month since she had left Sunnydale on the first bus she could catch. Every night she had dropped into bed exhausted. She was working at a diner just down the road taking all the shifts she could. At night she walked the streets. The first couple of times some guys had tried to jump her but they had soon learned to steer clear of the petite blonde. She wore herself out longing to fall into a deep dreamless sleep but it never came. Instead she was plagued with dreams of Angel. She sincerely hoped that she wasn't dreaming about what was really happening because if she was she deserved to be in hell too. Part of her hated Willow - wished that she had better timing, because then there would have been no hesitation, no waiting - just a quick thrust with the sword and that would have been the end of it. But Angel's soul had been restored. Buffy wiped away the tears that were falling and knew that she would never get back to sleep. She curled herself back on her bed and stared at the picture of herself with Xander and Willow. She wondered what they were doing now. Tucked up safely in bed she hoped. For a moment the pang of homesickness nearly made her physically sick but she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She did miss them, but she couldn't go back. Not yet. Maybe not ever.


Oh God if you're out there won't you hear me
I know we've never talked before and
Oh God the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven or am I in hell
At these crossroads I am standing


Buffy stood there among the police cars and ambulances and fire trucks and watched a dark figure appear from nowhere. She could hear his words in her head.

"I'll go straight after. I won't say good-bye"

For a long moment they stared at each other - vampire and slayer. And then he was gone in the mass of people.

Every step he took further away from her hurt. He could feel an ache beginning and it took everything he had not to turn and run back to her.


So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow
We will see another day
We will praise it and love the light
That brings a smile across your face


Angel stood and felt the cool wind on his face. He was at the top of his building, staring out over the City of Angels. He was brooding - again. Cordelia had said it was a habit he should get out of but he was so good at it. He had spent years honing his technique and now he could really settle into it without much problem. Especially thinking about her. There was so much to be sorry for. But now things were going to be better. He had heard that she was getting on OK at college, she had a new man and a new life. That was for the best. And they were far away from each other so that had to be a good thing. Yes, he thought as he considered the five storey drop from the roof, that had to be a good thing. And she was better off without him anyway. He ignored the loneliness that welled up inside of him and instead focused on the city in front of him, the pain and the suffering. Definitely better this way.

Buffy lay awake in the darkness and stared into nothingness. Riley lay beside her asleep. How was it that she had the most wonderful man in the world and yet she still longed for him, still thought about him, his cool hands on her skin. She could hear Riley breathing quietly beside her and she knew that if she laid her head on his chest she would feel his heartbeat. Not like laying next to him at all, the encompassing silence, because he had no heartbeat. She had been down this avenue too many times before. Look where it had led, death and destruction. And now she was here with Riley and he was in LA alone. They were apart. It was better this way. No temptation, no risk ..... no Angel.


Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell.