Title: Boundless Love
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy, nor do I claim to. Bow to the almighty Joss. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway.
Summary: His entire life, no one ever understood Xander Harris. No one ever cared. But then one day he fell in love, and his life changed forever. When she left, his heart was broken. But now that she’s back, his life will never be the same again. Everyone reaches a point in their life when they ask themselves what they would do for love. What will Xander do?
Author’s note: I switch back and forth a little from first person to third person as Xander tells the story. I know that’s a writing no-no, but I think it produces a nice effect.
(BtVS, Xander/Dru, NC17)

I don't want you to get the wrong impression of Buffy. She's really not a bad person, but she can be stubborn and downright blind at times. I really do love them all like a family, Buffy, Willow and Giles. Even though I felt like they didn't treat me with respect most of the time. Willow, Giles and Tara stayed after Buffy stormed off. They sat and listened while I told them everything. And while they weren't exactly thrilled by everything I had to say, they were considerably calmer then Buffy had been. They understood why I did what I did, even if they didn't necessarily understand why I felt what I felt. They respected my decision, even if they didn't agree with my methods. Willow even said she'd try to talk to Buffy about it. Try to calm her down. I wasn't very optimistic about that, but I appreciated the effort.

You see, that's the way Buffy and I worked. We fought. About once a year, all the unresolved anger and tension would come to a head and we'd have a good old fashioned screaming match. Afterwards, usually, we were better friends for it. But this time, I wasn't so sure.

When it came to Dru though, I was in a whole other private hell. I hated myself for what I'd done to her, for the pain I caused her. They all thought that I wanted to restore her soul, so she wouldn't be evil anymore. But I never thought she was truly evil, and I only did the restoration to save her from Buffy. She wasn't exactly happy about not being able to kill Dru because she had a soul, I really don't think I would have been able to stop her if she didn't. I kept asking myself the same questions Buffy had asked me. How could I be in love with Drusilla, after everything she had done? I had no answers, all I knew was how I felt. The only conclusion I could come to was that love didn't know good or evil, it didn't know right or wrong. It transcended those things. It was a force, and I was under it's control.

*

Xander stood in the doorway and watched Dru while she slept. The soft glow of the candlelight on her delicate features highlighted her beauty. She was truly breathtaking, Xander thought. And she had him completely enchanted. Xander turned and saw Spike standing in the hall, looking at him.

"I'm leaving," he said curtly, brushing past Xander and heading for the stairs.

"Spike," Xander called after him. "What do you mean you're leaving?"

"What, did I stutter? I mean I'm leaving Sunnydale. I have no reason to stay anymore," Spike said before turning and heading down the stairs.

"Spike, wait a minute," Xander called as he followed him. "What do you mean you don't have a reason to stay, what about Dru?"

"That's not my Dru, not anymore. The Dru I fell in love with would have killed the slayer where she stood, not cowered behind a human. This is your bed kid, you lie in it," he said, turning his back on Xander.

"Don't you dare bail on me now, we did this together," Xander said.

"Bullshit! This has nothing to do with me, this was your plan! I never wanted this!"

"And you think I did!" Xander shouted back. "I did this to save her life!"

"You did this so you could half the perfect little well-behaved vampire to go with your goody-goody lifestyle. Because you couldn't deal with the fact that you were in love with a demon. Well, you got what you wanted now. I hope you're happy."

"You son of a bitch!" Xander yelled. "What did you want me to do! Let her die!"

"You could have helped me get her out of Sunnydale. You could have come with us."

"You don't think I thought of that!" Xander paused, his voice calmed. "I was..."

"You were what?" Spike asked when Xander didn't finish right away.

"I was afraid, okay! I was afraid."

Spike shook his head. "In love with a vampire, but too afraid to admit it. Too afraid to enter her world of darkness. So you shackle her down with a soul, drag her into your world with you. Make her weak, so that she'll need you as much as you need her. That's not love, it's selfishness and you know it. So don't tell me you did this for her, you did it for you."

"That's not true!" Xander defended.

"I've seen you two together," Spike said. "I know you love her. You have to see that this is wrong. She trusted you and you betrayed her."

Xander was silent for a moment. "I never wanted to hurt her," he said softly.

"Yeah, well you did. And you're going to have to live with that," Spike said, heading for the door.

"She still loves you," Xander called after him.

He turned. "No she doesn't," he said. "But even if she did, she's not my Dru anymore. She's yours." And with that, he was gone.

Leaving Xander alone with his thoughts. What if he was right? Ever since this whole thing started Xander had been trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing for Dru. That restoring her soul was what was best for her, and even after he realized that that wasn't true, that he had done it to save her life. But she could have escaped Sunnydale with his help. Was he so afraid of losing her for a second time that he cursed her with a soul just so she would stay with him? "Oh, god," Xander said to himself as he sunk to the floor. The very thought made him shiver with horror. Not only had he cursed the woman he loved, but he did it for his own selfish reasons. "I never wanted this," he muttered, trying to convince himself. He never wanted to hurt her. He never wanted to turn her into something she wasn't. "I never wanted this, I never wanted this..."

*

Xander woke up to the sound of the door of the mansion creaking open. When he opened his eyes, he realized that he was still on the floor. That he had fallen asleep curled on the floor, crying as the panic washed over him. The panic of the realization that he had hurt the woman he loved for selfish reasons. He rose to his feet and brushed the dirt off his clothes. Walking out from behind the staircase, he saw Buffy standing by the door. She looked nervous, her hands fidgeting by her sides. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," Xander returned. They were both silent for a long time. It was make-up time, they both knew it. Things had been said, and usually this was when they were explained or apologized for. Somehow Xander doubted it would be that easy this time though. Neither one even knew where to begin. "So, what are you doing here?" Xander asked.

"I think we should talk," Buffy said.

"Okay," Xander replied.

"We both said some things that were pretty harsh," Buffy started. "I just want you to know that I said what I said because I care about you. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Buffy, this isn't an easy situation. Chances are I'll get hurt one way or another. I'm a big boy, I can deal with that."

"Xander, can't you see how...ludicrous this all is. Why put yourself through it? I mean, how can you have feelings for her after everything she's done?"

"The past is the past, I can't change that. I know what she's done, but I also know the kind of person she is. Maybe it's her insanity, I don't know, but I don't believe she's evil. Her demon gave her strength, it took away her conscience and her moral standards, but it didn't change the person she was. She killed for food, or to protect those she loved, or in some cases out of anger or revenge. But we've all acted out of those feelings, it doesn't make her evil." Xander paused, Buffy didn't reply. He let out a sigh. "Look Buff, I know you can't understand this. Just like there's still a lot I don't understand with you and Angel. But I accepted it. All I'm asking for is the same courtesy. You don't have to like it, but if you truly care about me as a friend, then you'll accept it."

Buffy was silent for a moment. "I can't forgive her for what she's done, for Kendra."

"I know," Xander said. "And there's a lot of things I can't forgive Angel for."

"Damn it, Xander! Will you stop comparing her to Angel, it's not the same."

"Isn't it? If Angel is no longer responsible for what he's done because he has a soul, what makes Dru any different?"

"That's the only reason she's still alive right now," Buffy said. "That isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you falling in love with a soulless demon that killed our friend. About the relationship you carried on with her for over a year behind our backs. You don't see anything wrong with that?"

"I never told her anything that would have put us in danger. We were just...a shoulder to cry on for each other. A person who would listen when no one else seemed to care."

"You always had us, Xander."

Xander chuckled sadly. "Don't even get me started at how laughable that statement is."

"So, you turned to a soulless vampire when you were upset instead of your friends, and you don't call that laughable. Jesus Xander, she could have killed you. How could you possible think she could have loved you?"

"Gee Buff, this is some apology. Did you practice on the way here?"

"I didn't come here to apologize Xander, I came to try and talk some sense into you."

"Oh, I see," he said sadly. "Poor Xander, blinded by stupidity. He can't possibly make it through life on his own. He can't even get into college. Jeez Buff, if you want to keep something around that will love you and that you can feel superior to, why don't you just get a dog. I hear they like to be patted on the head."

"Xander, don't be like that. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want your help Buffy," Xander said. He paused. "All I want is your friendship. That's all I've ever wanted from you."

"I am your friend Xander," Buffy said. "And I can't believe that you would choose Drusilla over your friends."

Xander was silent for a moment. "You're making me choose?" he asked.

"Yes," Buffy said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Then it sounds to me like you're the one who's made a choice."

Buffy looked into Xander's eyes, and saw determination there. And sadness. "Fine," she said, her anger showing. "If that's what you want." She turned and started for the door.

"I never wanted this," Xander whispered to himself, too soft for Buffy to here. "Buffy," he called to her just as she reached the door. She turned. She expected an apology, she expected him to beg her forgiveness, anything but what he said. "Goodbye," he said sadly.

Buffy just stared at him for a moment, then she turned away, not wanting him to see the tears that were forming in her eyes. She walked out the door, and out of Xander's life.

*

If you love something, let it go. That's what I was thinking as I watched Buffy leave. Part of me wanted to keep fighting, because my relationship with Buffy was something worth fighting for. But I just didn't have the energy anymore. I thought about what I had said to Spike, about my whole life being a lie. And I thought about how Buffy deserved more then that. Regardless of the differences we had, I did love her. She was one of my best friends. I loved her, so I let her go.

Drusilla. I had never lied to her. But I didn't have the courage to let her go. So I cursed her. I drug her into my world, because I was afraid of hers, just like Spike had said. I owed her more then that. If Buffy was my best friend, then Dru was my heart and soul. And of all the people I had hurt, I hurt her most of all.

I had meant it when I said goodbye to Buffy, but it wasn't just her I was saying goodbye to. It was the pile of lies that had become my life. I was saying goodbye to that too. Getting ready to leave it behind, and face the world as it really was for the first time in my life. I didn't want to face it alone, but I was prepared to. I had one more thing to do. One more person to let go of.

*

The candles at Dru's bedside were almost completely burned down now. Xander sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at her, sleeping peacefully. He reached down and stroked her face, causing her eyes to flutter open. "Kitten?" she asked in a sleepy voice.

"It's me Dru," Xander answered. "How do you feel? Are you hungry?" Dru shook her head no and made a face of disgust. "Dru, I know how you feel, but you have to feed."

"Maybe not," she said. "Maybe I should just shrivel up and die. It would be best."

"Dru, please don't talk like that. You can't die, I won't let you," Xander said, his voice choked with tears. "I need you to live."

"I can hear their voices," she said. "Everyone I've hurt, and they're crying out for vengeance. I'm afraid Kitten," she said, starting to cry. "Please make them stop."

Xander lay down beside her and pulled her into his arms. She buried her face in his chest and cried, her blood tears soaking into Xander's shirt. He knew how dangerous that could be. The more she cried, the sooner she would need to feed. He stroked her hair and tried to calm her down. "It's okay Dru, it'll be okay. I promise."

Dru heard the tears in Xander's voice and looked up. "Why are you crying, Kitten?"

"Because I love you Dru, and it's hurts me to see you in pain. I'm sorry for what I've done baby, I'm so sorry."

"Spike never cried for me," Dru said, her tears beginning to subside. "He couldn't. He loved me, but he couldn't give me all the things that went with that. Compassion, kindness, tenderness. You've always treated me with those things Kitten, you've always loved me." She pressed her head against his chest as she held him tighter. "I don't want to see you cry Kitten. I promise that I'll try to live, for you. As long as you stay with me. Will you stay with me?"

"As long as you'll have me, Dru," Xander said. She never ceased to amaze him. Here she was, in the pits of despair, but she promised to try to get better for his sake, because he loved her. Because she loved him.

"Forever," she mumbled into his chest. "I'll have you forever."

Xander reached down and lifted her chin so that she was looking up at him. "I love you," he said softly, before leaning down and placing a tender kiss on her lips. Dru kissed him back sweetly. The kiss slowly became more passionate, Xander pushing his tongue between her parting lips. Dru opened her mouth more, inviting him as she kissed him back hungrily. His hand found it's way to her hair, burying itself in her dark brown tresses while his other arm pulled her closer. The kiss broke slowly, Drusilla sucking on Xander's lower lip. She rolled herself on top of him, bringing her face to his neck, placing gentle kisses along his collarbone. Her guilt temporarily forgotten, she focused on her passion for Xander. Xander's own mouth found her neck as his hands slid down her arms, pulling the top of her dress down as they went. Her skin was smooth as silk and slightly cool to the touch. Dru pulled back enough to get her hands between the two of them and rip Xander's shirt open, popping all the buttons. She ran her hands over his chest and down his abdomen, disappearing under the waistband of his jeans. Xander felt her fingers wrap around his member, and realized that he needed to take control of the situation before things were finished before they even really started.

Xander took her by her arms and rolled them both over until he lay partially on top of her. Dru pulled her arms free from the sleeves of her dress and brought them back up Xander's chest as he captured her mouth again with his own. He pulled back, sucking on Dru's lower lip before moving down and kissing her neck. He slowly trailed kisses down the valley between her breasts, stopping to cup them gently in his hands. He could feel her nipples harden against his palms. He moved his tongue to her left breast while he continued with his hand on her right, gently squeezing the nipple, causing her to cry out in pleasure. He gently licked and sucked on her nipple while Dru buried her hands in his hair, holding his head against her chest.

"Oh, Yes! Oh, Xander...please, I need you," she moaned.

She began pulling him upward, and given her superior strength, Xander felt he had two choices. Either comply, or lose a limb. He decided on the former, and reached down to undo his pants before Dru decided to rip them off. He slid out of them quickly, and helped Dru pull her dress the rest of the way off, letting both garments fall to the floor. He positioned himself back over her and brought his head down for another kiss. She crushed her lips to his as she wrapped her legs around him. She moaned loudly in his mouth when he plunged into her, her hips moving to match his trusts with her own. Xander knew he wouldn't last long once he was inside of her, it felt too good. The feel of her lips on his, of her arms wound around his neck, the way her sex surrounded him perfectly, it felt like their bodies were made for one another. Xander increased his pace, trusting into her faster and harder.

"Oh...Oh, Yes!" she screamed. "Oh, Xander! AGRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Xander felt her tighten around him as she came, and it sent him over the top. He heard a growl and when he looked down, he saw that Drusilla had her game face on. Her eyes glowed with a golden light for a moment, and then the light was gone. She grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him down to her, sinking her teeth into his flesh. She drank from him as his orgasm came and he cried out, half in pleasure and half in pain. He was scared for a moment, but only a moment. He knew his Dru wouldn't hurt him, and he knew that this was definitely his Dru. She only drank for a few seconds before pulling back. Xander rolled off of her and back onto the bed, out of breath and lightheaded. He picked his shirt up from the floor without moving from the bed and balled it up. He held it to his neck to stop the bleeding. Dru cuddled up next to him, putting her head on his chest and cooing softly as she gently stroked it. And that's how Xander fell asleep, with the woman he loved in his arms, and bleeding from the neck.

*

When Xander woke up, he was alone in bed. He could tell by the soft glow coming from the edges of the boarded up window that it was daylight outside. He peeled the shirt away from his neck and winced as some of the dried blood tore loose. He brought his hand up and gently touched the wound. He had stopped bleeding, but the area was still tender. He let his fingers rest on his pulse point while his hand was there, and let out a small sigh of relief when he felt it. He wasn't really worried, but he felt the need to make sure just the same. He knew that a vampire had to feed during sex, that for them it was part of the act. Which explained where Dru was now. He knew she hadn't taken enough from him, just a taste. He heard soft footsteps coming down the hall, and when he looked, he saw something that he knew would be burned into his memory for the rest of his life. Dru stood in the doorway, bathed in the small amount of natural light that was in the room, completely naked, with a bag of blood in one hand, and clutching Miss Edith in the other. And on her face was the widest, most beautiful smile Xander had ever seen. Xander smiled back as Dru pounced onto the bed. She cuddled up to Xander and held the doll out in front of her.

"Look who I found downstairs," she said. "Miss Edith said that she missed me and that she's glad she's back. I'm glad too."

"So am I baby, so am I," Xander said, kissing the top of her head. "I see that you've gotten your appetite back."

Dru just nodded as she tore a corner off the bag and started to drink. She drank the whole bag down, and when she was finished, she tore it apart and began licking off what was left.

"My, you are hungry," Xander commented.

Dru just smiled again as she turned to face him. Her smile turned to a frown as her hand came up and gently touched the spot where she had bitten him the night before. "Did Mummy hurt her Kitten?"

"It's okay Dru, I'm fine. You didn't take too much."

Dru smiled again. "I'll kiss it and make it better," she said. She slid up his body and started kissing her neck, stopping occasionally to lick at some of the dried blood.

Xander laughed a little. "Stop, that tickles," he said. He pulled Dru away and she looked up into his eyes. Xander smiled as he looked down at her, but the smile began to fade. "Dru, you can't stay in Sunnydale. If Buffy finds out that you don't have your soul anymore, she'll kill you. Spike's probably still in town, you can leave with him. I won't tell Buffy and the others that you've lost your soul. She won't go after you, you'll be safe."

"But, I don't want to leave you Kitten," Dru said. "You promised you'd stay with me forever."

"I know I did Dru," Xander said, holding her tight, fighting the tears that threatened to come. "But I can't be what you need. I'm not a vampire, and I don't want to be one."

"Well, of course not silly," Dru said. "Miss Edith says that if you were a vampire then you wouldn't be my Kitten. I need you just the way you are."

"But you're strong now Dru, you don't need me anymore."

"But I do need you Kitten, I love you."

"I love you too," Xander said. "But how can you forgive me for what I did? For causing you such pain?"

"The same way you've forgiven me Kitten, for the pain I've caused you. I know that you did what you did because you love me, to protect me."

"I did it because I didn't want to lose you. I was selfish."

"I don't want to lose you either. We can be together Kitten, we'll both leave the nasty old slayer behind, and we can start over again. Just you and me."

That was all Xander had ever wanted, to leave it all behind and start over again. A chance to be happy, to have the life that he had always wanted but thought that he didn't deserve. A simple life, where he was loved and respected, and had the chance to be the man he always knew he could be. "Do you really mean it Dru?" Dru nodded. "You'll have to be a good girl, you can't hurt people anymore."

"I'll be good Kitten, I promise. As long as you stay with me."

"Okay Dru, we'll do it. We'll be together."

Dru smiled widely as she hugged Xander tightly. "Oh Kitten, I'm so happy. I love you."

"I love you too, baby," Xander said. "I love you too."

*

That day while Dru slept, I ran errands. A trip to the body shop, to have all the windows in my car tinted as dark as possible, even the windshield (yes, I know that's illegal, but you'd be surprised what a mechanic will do if you slip him a few bucks). A trip to the bank, to empty out all of my accounts. A trip to my place of employment, to quit and pick up my last check. And finally, a trip home to pack. Yes, part of me was scared, but I was mostly excited.

That night, Dru and I drove out of Sunnydale with the top down, under a blanket of stars. And we haven't looked back since. In my mind I had already said goodbye to the life I was leaving behind, so I didn't tell anyone I was leaving. I came to the realization that while I cared very much for my friends, this had nothing to do with them. It had to do with making my life my own, and taking charge of it. I hoped that they would understand, and even if they didn't, that they would accept it. I think about them sometimes now, and I wonder if they think about me.

I had been worried that I couldn't be what Dru needed, and that's why I restored her soul, so I wouldn't lose her. But Dru showed me that we needed each other. She protected me from the dark of night, and I protected her from the light of day. I told myself that if I loved her, I would let her go, so I did. And she came back to me, and showed me that she was mine forever, just as I had pledged to her. I once thought that love was a force, and that I was under it's control. But I was only half right. It is a force, but it doesn't control me, it empowers me. It flows through me like electricity, filling me with energy and giving me the strength to be the person I always knew I could be. The person I've always been, but was afraid to show the world. I'm not afraid anymore, thanks to Dru.

I've learned that love really does transcend everything, good and evil, right and wrong. It's boundless, truly and absolutely. As for my promise, well, let me just say this. Now that I have Dru, forever doesn't seem that long anymore.

The End