Title: Change <1st in CD series>
Author: Carol A. Clarke
Email: Carol.Clarke@mail.state.ky.us
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy and Willow and the rest of the gang belong to Joss Wheldon and Mutant Enemy.
The hurting belongs to Tears for Fears.
Summary -Lyrics are involved that and tears.
Warning: Major Depression Alert! May result in the use of behavioral medication or chocolate.
From: CAClarke2@mail.state.ky.us

"I told her. I just couldn't stand being around her lying, living a lie. I was never good at lying, well maybe I am but when it comes to hellmouth issues not with her. I've been in love with her from the minute we met. I followed her around like a puppy in high school. I cried with her, laughed with her. My world was her. Then I grew up. Things change. I moved on.

She still is apart of my life; well she was until I told her. I just wish I could stop crying. Stop shaking; stop listening to this music. It's her CD.


All along
You've been told you're wrong
When you felt it right
And you're left to fight
The hurting


" I've been listening to this CD for hours. Over and Over I let it play. Catch pieces of it here or there and I think, 'That's how I feel!' That's what I should have said! '

" I shouldn't have told her. I should have just keep my big witch's mouth closed. Not said a thing. Just left things as they were. I don't think I can go on without her in my life. We have seen too much together to just stop. I know that sounds weird but 2 or 3 apocalyptic crisis together and things blur. It's not like I ever thought we would ever be more then friends. She is Miss I shoot straight and play for the home team. I know that."


How can I be sure?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure

When you don't give me love
You gave me Pale Shelter
You don't give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can't operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in Command.


"In command that's me. Not! I was never assertive enough for command. I was always the little girl everyone pushed around. After Buffy found this invisible girl, I spend about 6 months waking up from a nightmare, where I had become invisible like Marcy. I felt like I was just so much of the background until I met Buffy and she changed everything. And the frighten girl; well that part of me died little by little. It died because Buffy came to Sunnydale. She listened to me. Helped me feel better about who I was. She gave me confidence. Helped me find out who I could be. What I was capable of. Only, now that I know who I am she walks out and stays gone for two days! Pale Shelter!"


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's very, very
Mad World


"Tara, I am so glad you came over to stay with me. I know, I'm not much fun to be around. But I want you to know I don't regret anything with you. I loved what we did, do together. I feel so much more then I felt with Oz" "Only, Damn it, Buffy of all people should understand. She's the Vampire Slayer who loved a Vampire. That is differently. Not of the norm. Hey, it is a Mad World. Really doesn't even begin to put a caption on it."


Say what you want
Say what will
'Cos I find you think what makes it easier

And lies spread on lies
We don't care


"Tara, I thought she would be happy for me. For us. That I final found someone to love again. That I found myself. The real me. We promised each other after that whole Angel back from hell thing that there would be no more lies between us. I guess I didn't know there was a " if your best friends turns out to be gay the contract is null and void!"


Watch me bleed
Bleed forever
It's not allowed to be unkind
But still the hate lives in my mind
I'll make no noise
I'll hide my Pain
I won't complain
I'll lie right back and take the blame
And tried to tell myself I'm living
And when it's all been said or done
Where do I go?
Where do I run?
What's left of me or anyone when we've denied
The hurting?


"Tara, I feel so empty inside. It's like I have no more tears left. Do you think you could hold me for a while and we could just listen to the music."

"Willow I'm here, all you had to do was ask."


You walk in to the room
I just had to laugh
The face you wore was cool
You were a photograph
When it's all too late
It's all too late


Buffy opened the door slowly and kicked herself for not knocking first. A kind of rage washed over her when she saw Willow with Tara wrapped around her. Tara was holding her tightly while rocking the redhead.


I did not have the time
I did not have the nerve
To ask you how you feel
Is this what you deserve
When it's all too late
It's all too late.


"Sorry, I can come back later." Buffy whispered

"No, we'll leave." Willow said, starting to stand up and pulling Tara up with her.

"Actually that wouldn't work for me too well Willow, I came to talk to you," Buffy stated trying not to shake too visibly. "That is if it's ok? Because I can come back later if you want."

"No, might as well get this over with." Willow said hatefully.


Change
You can change
And something on your mind
Became a point of view


"Tara, do you think Will and I could talk alone?" Buffy stopped herself and added, "Unless Will wants you to stay."

"Willow, I'll be in the lounge if you need me, I think you need to talk to her alone for now. But I will stay close." Tara said moving to the door.

"Thank you Tara." Buffy tried to say as politely as she could.

"Please wait for me in the lounge. I need you to stay." Willow whispered touching Tara as she moved away.


You lost your honesty
I lost the life in you
When it's all too late
It's all to late
We walk and talk in time
I walk and talk in two
Where does the end of me
Become the start of you.


"Will, I have something to say and I need to get it out so please let me finish. First I am so sorry"

"Sorry because I am gay or because you found out?" Willow had moved from the point of tears to anger.

"Alright I deserve that but please let me finish. I have spent the last two days, in a fog. I ended up spending most of the day talking with my mother. We haven't had a conversation lasting that long since she found out I was the slayer." Buffy then really how this might effect her friend and added."Oh yeah, sorry Will she knows."

"You talked with your mother about my sexuality?"

"Well that and other things. But I couldn't talk with my best friend about it. Who was I going to talk to, Giles? There isn't that much tea in the state of California. Xander, I am not looking forward to that little talk when it's time. Angel, Cordilia or maybe Anya? Yeah! She loves those talks about orgasmic friends."


Here in my mind
Biding my time
Waiting but not relating
Here anger is me
Love sets me free
The prisoner is now escaping.


"Buffy don't you think your getting a little dramatic. Your mother? I am sorry you can't deal but life will go on."

"Willow you don't understand. I didn't talk to my mother about you. Well I did. I told her you were gay and dating Tara." Buffy took a breath " No what I talked to her about was me. Will, when you told me you and Tara had a thing, I was crushed. I felt, I felt like when Angel became Angelus. Like When I sent him to hell."


Memories fade
No don't pretend you can justify the end
Memories fade but the scars still linger.


"Willow I have been head over heals in love with you since the day we met. I just assumed you would never love me that way. So I became happy, honored you wanted to be my best friend." "Then I had Angel and you had Oz. Don't get me wrong I loved Angel, I always will. He is part of my heart. One of the reasons why I keep fighting. But you Will, You are my reason for living. The reason why my heart beats at all. Without you.... So I didn't know what to do when you told me. I guess I did it again. I ran! Well at least this time I only went to my mother's house. But I did run. I ran from you, from me and I am sorry. So very sorry. Will, I want you to be happy. I really do. If Tara makes you happy then I am happy. But I have to admit it I am more then a little jealous. I just hope you forgive me."

Twenty minutes later Willow met Tara in the lounge.

"Everything all right?" Tara asked

"Yes, No.. I'm not sure." Willow said honestly

"She told you she loves you, that she's in love with you, didn't she?"

"How did you know."

"My love, it wasn't that hard to see. Besides not many people can resist a redheaded beauty like you. " Tara then lend forward for a kiss putting her hand in Willows.

As they walked down the hall Tara heard the last of the CD playing in Willow's room.

Is this the start of the breakdown?

Tara knew in her heart it was. Willow and Buffy were meant to be together. So she squeezed Willows hand and thought to herself; < at least I can make good use of the time we have together now. >