Title: Chasing Aeryn
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: Joss and co. own all things Buffy, and SFC (in their infinite stupidity) own Farscape. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway. Some elements of this story and some dialogue have been taken from the Farscape episode “Promises”, no plagiarism is intended.
Summary: Following another lead on Aeryn's location, the crew of Moya discovers her Prowler adrift. But when they bring it aboard, they find someone unconscious inside. Someone who is not Aeryn, but who may be able to lead them to her. Will they find Aeryn? And will Xander be able to control the beast that he has discovered still lurks within him?
Author’s note: This story is the fourth in the ‘Sympathetic Ear’ series, following A Sympathetic Ear, Back to the Uncharted Territories, and Enter the Cleavage. Special thanks to A. Grandt, Rob Clark, MagnusXXN, Forgotten Code, dragon_hulk, C. J. Whittaker, Greywizard, Hatten, Calen, Saffi, Woodlandchild, and Paradigm Shifter for the feedback. It’s much appreciated.
Dedication: To Jordan and Jessica, my angels. May they rest in peace.
(BtVS/Farscape, Xander/Chiana, John/Aeryn)

(6/6)

Lo’La hovered outside of the nebula where Moya was supposed to be waiting for them. John looked nervously at D’Argo. “Moya, please respond,” John repeated. “To get to the other side.”

“I don’t understand,” D’Argo said.

“Neither do I, they should be here,” John said.

“No, I mean the code. Why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side. What does it mean?”

“It’s a joke.”

“A joke? But it isn’t funny.”

“Sure it is. Moya, please respond. To get to the other side.”

“But, isn’t it implied that he wanted to get to the other side? Otherwise why would he cross the road?”

“Exactly, that’s why it’s funny. The fact that you’re asking the question implies that there is some great reason why chickens cross roads. But there isn’t, they just want to get to the other side.”

“So, asking a question with an obvious answer is funny?” D’Argo asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

John sighed. “I don’t know, it just is, okay. It’s just a stupid joke, it’s not important right now. What’s important is that Moya isn’t answering.”

“I wouldn’t think about it too much, D’Argo,” Aeryn said. “Humans have a strange sense of humor.” John turned to Aeryn and opened his mouth but he was interrupted by the comms.

“We read you, Lo’La. Sorry we took so long to respond, we’re a little busy over here,” Xander’s voice came over the comms. “It’s good to have you back.”

All four occupants of the small Luxan ship looked through the front window as Moya appeared out of the swirling clouds of gas. John smiled. “It’s good to be back,” he said.

“Was your mission a success?”

“Most definitely,” John answered. “I hope you guys weren’t too bored waiting for us.”

Xander chuckled sadly. “No, we managed to entertain ourselves. I’ll fill you in when you get aboard. The hangar bay doors are open. Welcome home, Aeryn. Moya out.”

John turned and smiled at Aeryn as the connection was severed. “Was that who I think it was?” she asked.

John nodded. “It’s kind of a long story.”

*

Xander stepped into the hangar bay after Lo’La was aboard and the bay pressurized again. He met the others about halfway across the bay.

“You had us scared there for a minute,” John said with a smile, as they got closer. He reached out and shook Xander’s hand.

“Sorry about that,” Xander said.

“Where are the others?” D’Argo asked.

“Seeing to our uninvited guests and looting their ship.”

“What?!” D’Argo exclaimed.

“Zendali pirates, they were waiting for us in the nebula.”

“So this was a trap,” John said, turning to glare at Scorpius. D’Argo clamped a firm hand down on the hybrid’s shoulder.

“It was a trap all right, but according to the pirates Scorpius had nothing to do with it,” Xander said. “They say they spotted Aeryn and the other mercs on the planet and decided to lure us here because they knew we would be vulnerable while we tried to recover her.”

“I assure you, I had nothing to do with this,” Scorpius said calmly.

“Right, it’s just a big coincidence,” John sneered.

“I think it just might be,” Xander said. John and D’Argo looked at him with surprise. “The Zendali have no reason to lie to us. If they had information that we wanted, they’d use it to barter for leniency.”

“Unless they’re afraid of what might happen to them if they talk,” John suggested.

Again Xander shook his head. “Their balls are bigger than their brains, I don’t think they’re afraid of much. The only reason they surrendered is because they lost three of their fifteen-person crew. Captain Mezzom said he couldn’t afford to lose anymore, the bounty wasn’t worth it.”

John turned back to Xander. “Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Fifteen armed pirates boarded Moya, and you guys managed to kill three of them and get the rest to surrender?”

Xander nodded. “This is where things start getting complicated,” he said. He cast a glance at Aeryn and then back to John. “How much does she know about why I’m here?”

“None, we didn’t have time to fill her in,” John answered.

“Then I suggest we stick tall, pale, and ugly here in a holding cell and finish this conversation someplace a little more comfortable. This could take a while.”

*

All in all, John, Aeryn and D’Argo took the news well. Aeryn was quiet mostly during the explanation of Xander’s destiny to prevent the war between the Peace Keepers and the Scarrens. She looked skeptical, wondering how Xander was supposed to accomplish this considering he had no idea himself, but she seemed to give him, along with John and D’Argo who vouched for him, the benefit of the doubt. The rest of Xander’s explanation regarding the hyena and the amulet went down a little harder. There was reluctance to believe yet another farfetched tale of magic, but not as much anger as he had expected. John understood Xander’s reasons for not wanting to tell everyone about it all at first, and his instincts to try and solve his own problems by himself, even if they did affect his friends. D’Argo seemed to agree with the hyena’s tactics once Xander told him that the beast wouldn’t have hurt any of Moya’s crew, seeing them as his pack. There even seemed to be a twinge of sadness in the Luxan’s voice at having missed all the action, though from what they told him of Aeryn’s rescue, they had had their own share of action. Again, Aeryn remained mostly silent. Being back aboard Moya again was going to be an adjustment for her, and from what Xander observed she seemed to be trying to just absorb as much as she could about their current situation.

Things looked a little strained between John and Aeryn, but Xander didn’t say anything about it. He wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that Scorpius was still alive, but decided not to push the issue, figuring that John would tell him when he was ready. The others took a break from their work on the Zendali ship and met them in the galley where an impromptu reunion took place. Noranti cooked, Rygel ate, everyone else just talked. John seemed to notice that things looked strained between Xander and Chiana, but he didn’t say anything either.

The idea for holding a vote to elect a captain was brought up again. Everyone agreed that they needed a leader, and an election seemed like the reasonable way to do it. A few people were surprised by who was chosen, but not Xander. He had the leadership ability, the tactical thinking, the determination. D’Argo was the most logical choice as far as he was concerned.

Afterwards Xander found himself wandering through the ship, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. He really blew things with Chiana, and he didn’t know how to fix it, or even if he could fix it. He couldn’t help but think that maybe things were better this way. Chiana would be happier without him, he’d only end up hurting her again. This whole situation just reinforced the belief that he had no business being in a romantic relationship, he wasn’t emotionally equipped for it.

Xander walked around the next corner and came face to face with Willow. “That’s bullshit!” she exclaimed, her hands on her hips. Xander stopped short so quickly he almost fell over backwards. “That’s just your insecurities talking and you know it.”

“It doesn’t make it any less true,” he defended. “I’ve been alone, wallowing in my own pain so long I can’t even hold a normal conversation with someone. I’m more comfortable facing off against a room full of demons or pirates than talking to Chiana about how I feel. She deserves better than that.”

“That’s her decision to make.”

“She’s already made it.”

“Bullshit,” Willow repeated.

“When did you get such a potty-mouth?”

“I’ve been hanging around in your head too long,” she said. Xander rolled his eyes. “Don’t assume just because she’s mad at you that she’s ready to end it all. You think she deserves better? Fine, be better. Don’t give up on this, Xander. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and you’re not a quitter.”

“Will you do me a favor and get back in my head. Everyone here things I’m crazy enough as it is, I don’t need any of them catching me talking to myself in the corridor.”

“Fine, answer me one question and I’ll leave you alone.”

“What?”

“Do you love her?” Xander closed his eyes and rubbed his hands down his face, letting out a sigh. “Well?”

“I don’t know!” he bit back. But when he opened his eyes, she was gone. He let out another sigh and started back down the corridor. Unconsciously, he found himself wandering toward the detention level.

*

Xander stood outside of Scorpius’ cell, staring at the hybrid with interest as he sat on the floor in the middle of the room with his eyes closed. He didn’t really know why he felt the need to come here, to look at this man. His mere presence here seemed to unnerve the others a great deal. He had heard the stories, he knew all about the former Peace Keeper. But he didn’t understand, what was it about this creature that projected so much power, when all he was doing was sitting on the floor in a holding cell meditating?

“Is there something I can help you with?” Scorpius finally spoke, without opening his eyes.

Xander wasn’t sure what to say to the man. “I thought you’d be taller.”

He smirked at that. “Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Harris.”

“So you do know who I am.”

Scorpius finally opened his eyes. “Your reputation precedes you. There aren’t very many people who can say they escaped from a Peace Keeper command carrier.”

Xander didn’t think any of the others would have told him about that. “And how is it that you know that?”

“I have a spy aboard Grayza’s ship.”

“Is that so? And how do we know that you’re not working for Grayza? Why should we believe you?”

“You may believe what you wish.”

Xander paused, considering the man in front of him. “You know, D’Argo says that you could probably get out of that cell any time you want.”

“And yet here I sit,” Scorpius replied, not denying it.

“Is that supposed to make us trust you? You’re using Aeryn to manipulate John to keep yourself alive.”

“I cannot accomplish my mission if I am dead.”

“Right, your mission to protect John,” Xander said skeptically.

“My mission to keep the wormhole technology in his brain from falling into Scarren hands.” Scorpius stood up and walked toward the cell door. “Like it or not Mr. Harris, we both want the same things. We’re more alike than you realize.”

“How do you figure that?”

“We’re survivors, you and I. Prevailing in the face of overwhelming odds, we push ahead and fight on no matter what. We’re both here to stop a war. Neither of us much cares for Mele-on Grayza.” Scorpius paused, as though he were considering what he was about to say next. He lowered his voice when he spoke. “I have a dark side, my Scarren half. It is like…an animal that must be tamed. It is a constant struggle for control. I know what it is like, to be your own worst enemy.”

Xander was shocked. Scorpius couldn’t be talking about what it seemed like he was talking about. He couldn’t know about the hyena. He had only just told the others, and the hybrid hadn’t been present for any of it. Certainly no one would have told him. Xander struggled to keep his expression neutral and his voice even.

“We are nothing alike,” he said.

Scorpius smiled. “I suppose we’re each entitled to our own opinions.”

“I came down here to tell you something,” Xander said, deciding to change the subject. “John may have promised not to kill you, but I didn’t. And if I get even an inkling that you’re going to turn on us, I’ll put you down like a rabid dog. I’m not scared by this mysterious villain routine, it doesn’t impress me. You may be able to use Aeryn to get to John, but I’m a little harder to manipulate than that.”

“I don’t know, from what I’ve seen love seems to be a common weakness among humans,” Scorpius said with a smirk.

Xander reacted without thought. His teeth gritted and his hand came up, slamming into the cell door inches from Scorpius’ face. He knew that part of the reaction was the hyena’s influence, but at the moment he didn’t care. If there was one thing that the man and the beast agreed on, it was distaste for anyone threatening Chiana.

“I sincerely hope for your sake that you’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting,” Xander spoke through clenched teeth. “Let me give you one more piece of advice Scorpius. Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Xander then calmly took his hand from the cell door, turned and walked away, not sparing the former Peace Keeper a second glance. Scorpius raised an eyebrow as he considered whether perhaps he had underestimated this young human. “I’ll be sure to remember that,” he said to himself.

*

John walked into Command and found Aeryn standing there, looking out the front view port at the stars. He contemplated leaving her alone for a moment before deciding to approach her. He walked up next to her slowly and joined her looking at the stars.

“Hey,” he said noncommittally after a few seconds.

“Hey,” she returned.

“We finished with the Zendali ship, set it adrift. Not a bad haul, the currency alone should keep us going for a while. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rygel this happy. Moya’s getting ready to starburst, should be any microt now.”

“Good.”

The silence stretched on. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”

Aeryn sighed. “It’s a lot to get used to. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to see any of you again, and now here I am. Back aboard Moya, back on the run from the Peace Keepers.”

“The more things change, the more they stay the same,” John said. Aeryn looked at him. “It’s a human expression.”

“That could possibly be the only human idiom you’ve told me that actually makes sense,” Aeryn said. “Though it might be more accurate to say the more things stay the same, the more they change.”

“Xander,” John said, understanding where she was going.

“I have to admit, I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my life, most of them aboard this ship. But none of it compares to that story.”

“Well, I was there for a lot of it, so I can tell you first hand that it’s true.”

“He’s really supposed to single handedly stop a war and save 110 billion lives?” John nodded. “Amazing. What do you say to something like that?”

“I believe his exact works were, ‘You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.’”

The pair fell silent again, just looking at the stars. The familiar sounds of Moya powering up for a starburst filled the room, and after a second the stars streaked by and disappeared.

“And away we go,” John commented.

The silence stretched on for another minute before Aeryn spoke again. “Why did you come back?”

“What do you mean?”

“From Earth. You were there, you were home. Why did you come back?”

John thought for a moment. “Everything that made it home was gone. Everyone I care about is here. I had no reason to stay anymore. Moya is my home now.”

“Home is where people love you,” Aeryn mumbled.

“What?”

“You told me that once, after the first time we met Xander oddly enough.”

John smiled. “I guess that makes two human idioms you understood.”

Aeryn smiled slightly too. “Part of me is glad to be back, but part of me can’t help but feel…tired of running. From the Peace Keepers, from Ullom, from…everything.”

“There’s something to be said for living to fight another day,” John said. “But, there’s something to be said for standing your ground and facing your fears too. Is that what else you’re running from, your fears.”

Aeryn turned and looked at John. “My fear of what?”

“Of your own feelings, of being hurt again.” He paused. “Of me maybe. Moya is your home too, Aeryn. It’s where people…”

Aeryn looked away. “I can’t do this now.”

John tried not to get angry, but he couldn’t help it. At Aeryn, for being so frelling stubborn. At his double, for finally winning her heart only to die on her and shatter it into a million pieces. And at himself, for not being able to be as patient and understanding as Aeryn needed him to be.

“Fine,” John said curtly. He turned on his heel and started to walk out of Command. He stopped short of the door and turned. “Just answer me one question, Aeryn.”

“What?” she asked after a second.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re pregnant?”

*

Xander tentatively knocked on Chiana’s door, unsure of what exactly he was going to say. That is if she even wanted to listen. After a moment the door opened and there she was. She didn’t look surprised to see him, in fact her expression hadn’t changed much at all since Xander had explained everything. She just looked…sad. She didn’t say anything. Finally after a moment, Xander spoke.

“Can I come in?” Chiana nodded and stepped aside. Xander stepped in as Chiana closed the door behind him. He had been in her quarters before, what felt like a thousand times. This time it felt different for some reason, awkward, like he didn’t deserve to be there.

“I’m sorry,” he said, turning to face her.

“You said that already.”

“I know, I just…I don’t know what else to say.”

“Just tell me why. Why won’t you let me in? Why don’t you trust me?” Chiana asked, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

“I do, I do trust you,” Xander insisted, sitting down next to her. “With my life.”

“But not with your heart.”

Xander closed his eyes and thought. It was true, Xander was cautious with his heart. He had spent so long not letting anyone near it. But Chiana was different, he wanted to let her in. He wanted to give her everything he had. Sometimes it just felt like…he forgot how.

“The first time this happened, with the hyena,” Xander started. “I almost raped Buffy, and I almost killed Willow. I lied to them after, told them that I didn’t remember any of it. I just couldn’t face up to what I had done. It still haunts me to this day, the look of terror on Willow’s face, knowing that I was the one who had caused it, whether it was really me or not. The hyena hurt the people I most cared about, and I just…I couldn’t let that happen again. I couldn’t bear to see that look of fear in your eyes when you found out that I have a monster inside of me. I thought I could protect you from it.” Xander paused. “I was just…so scared.”

“You? Scared?”

“I know I don’t show it very often, but I get scared too. I’d be crazy not to, some of the shit I’ve gone up against.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me,” Chiana said. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. I want it all, the whole Xander Harris package, not just the good bits. Everything that makes you you, the good and the bad.”

“Even if there’s more bad than good?”

“Even if,” Chiana said. “I understand you better than you think, you know. We’re a lot alike. I spent a good deal of my past with one lowlife or another who thought of me as nothing more than an object for their pleasure. I never trusted anyone, never let anyone in. But then one day I met some people that did something no one else had ever done before, they earned my trust. And my friendship, my affection, even my love. I tried to sabotage it, to test it to see if it was real. Sometimes I succeeded, but most of the time they stuck by me. And then I met someone who not only earned all those things, he made me want to believe that it was all for real. He made me believe that there are people in this universe who don’t just care about themselves.

“I understand why you did what you did Xander, but it still hurts. It hurts that I opened myself up to you, but you can’t do the same to me,” she said, looking down at the floor.

It was at that moment that Xander realized a few things. As he watched this beautiful and vibrant woman looking down at the floor dejectedly, he realized that he never wanted to see her look like that again. He realized that Willow was right, that she was worth fighting for. Even if the only thing he really had to fight were his own fears and insecurities. He realized that she made him want to be a better man. And he realized one more thing.

Xander slowly reached over and touched Chiana’s chin, lifting her head up. She turned to look at him. “I love you,” he said, his voice as sure and determined as it had ever been. “I love everything about you. Your strength, your bravery, the way you make me feel like I can take on whatever the universe throws at me. I couldn’t do this without you, that’s a fact. In the hangar bay you told me that you wanted to be there for me the way I was for you. Don’t you see, you have been. Every moment we spend together you give me the strength to go on. You’re right, I haven’t opened myself up to you the way you have to me, but I intend to fix that starting right now. Maybe I didn’t offer you my heart, but you snuck in and took it anyway, and I pray to god that you never let go of it. Because I don’t intend to let go of you without a fight. Please, give me a chance to do it right this time.”

Chiana had tears running down her face. She had been spellbound ever since Xander said those three words. She nodded her head quickly and practically threw herself into Xander’s arms. “I love you, too,” she said through tears as she squeezed him as hard as she could. Xander smiled as he hugged her back. It didn’t fix everything, no three words ever could make everything perfect. But what it meant was that they were both willing to try.

Chiana pulled back a little to look Xander in the eye. “No more secrets,” she said.

“No more secrets,” Xander agreed.

“Is there anyone else living up here that I should know about?” she asked, tapping her finger against his temple.

“Nope,” he said. “But there is something else you should know.”

“What?”

Xander paused. “I’m scared,” he admitted. “Possibly more scared than I’ve been in a very long time.”

Chiana smiled. “That’s okay, so am I. We can get through it together. If you think you can handle that.”

Xander nodded his head. “Yeah, I can handle it.” He pulled her against him closer and held her tight, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. “You’re definitely worth it.”

The End

Here’s a teaser for the next story in the series, “Nebari Heat”

Xander and Chiana’s relationship reaches an important stage, just as Chiana receives her first full-fledged vision from the Powers. Commandant Grayza has far from given up her quest to capture our intrepid heroes. How far will she go to obtain what’s in Xander’s head? What will she do with the information she already has?