Title: Desperate Measures
Author: Moonloon
Email: maryavatar@gmail.com
Website: Amused and Abused
Feedback: maryavatar
Author's Note: May the fanfic deities forgive me. In my defense, this wasn't my idea. The initial plot bunny came from Viridian5's LJ some time last year.

"He sparkles, he does." Drusilla said, smiling at Spike. "I drink him all down and he sparkles back to me. You brought me such a pretty dolly, my sweet."

"Yes, pet." Spike rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette. "So you said. Again and again."

"Look! Look!" Dru clapped her hands. "He's waking up."

"Wonderful," Spike drawled and lay back on the bed.

"Good morning pretty Doctor Ben." Dru moved up close as Methos gasped his first breath of the day. He tugged at the shackles holding him to the wall and glared at Drusilla.

"Aren't you bored yet, Drusilla? Surely the novelty of owning a doll you can't break will be wearing off soon?"

"Don't count on it, mate." Spike said, blowing smoke rings. "The only reason we let you go last time was because we had to get out of Prague in a hurry."

"Yes, you were a bad dolly." Drusilla pouted and smacked Methos softly on the cheek. "A very very bad dolly. Took us almost a hundred years to find you again."

Spike heaved himself off the bed again. "Dru, love... I know it's nice to have a meal waiting at home for me after a hard night, but sometimes a bloke likes to go out for something different."

"You don't like Ben any more?" Drusilla looked to be winding up for one of her wailing fits.

"Aw, pet. Don't be like that. I like him fine, I just feel like Chinese tonight. C'mon... we'll just go for while, and if you don't like anyone, we can come back here."

Drusilla smiled, mollified. "Oh love, I want a little one. They're so sweet. A sweet little bird, just for me. I must make myself pretty." She dashed off, humming to herself.

"Right, enough of this bollocks," Spike said, hauling Methos down from the wall. "I'm not spending another day trying to sleep while your corpse stares down at me, waiting to re-animate, or whatever the fuck you people do."

"Ow." The blood returning to Methos' arms hurt. "What were you planning to do?"

"Buggering you." Spike dropped Methos face down on the bed.

"What?"

"Sorry mate, it's the only way. If it comes to a choice between sharing you with me or tossing you out, she'll choose the door." Spike tugged at Methos' jeans.

"You have to be joking?"

"Nope. Ordinarily she'd just kill you, but you've been very resistant to that, and I don't think she'll feel like keeping you around to experiment on. Now, do you want it fast and over with, or do you want some fun too?"

Methos was silent for a moment. "I do hope you're planning on lubricant?"

"Nice slow fuck it is!" Spike tugged a tube of something out of his pocket. "Sorry about the cold, can't really warm it up myself; no body heat, y'know." Methos grunted and nodded, then gasped as Spike went straight for his prostate gland. "Heh, weren't expecting that, were you? Trust me, there are some things a boy who went to an English boarding school just doesn't forget."

Methos had almost worked out how to speak again, when Spike's fingers disappeared and Methos lost all his breath in a whoosh as Spike sank into him. It wasn't a nice slow fuck: it was a rather good, moderately fast fuck. Methos bit the blanket under him and came not quite as silently as he wanted.

Spike was rather louder. Of course.

"No! No! Spike, what have you done to my pretty?" Drusilla stood in the doorway with both fist clenched and pressed into her cheeks. "You've spoiled my lovely dolly!"

"Sorry love, but you were right, he's... lovely. I just couldn't resist."

That turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Or perhaps the right thing. Spike and Methos weren't sure as they hit the cobbles outside the lair. On the upside, Methos had been cut loose. On the downside, so had Spike.

Spike stood up and brushed himself off. "She's got bloody awful timing. Not much time for an afterglow." He held out a hand for Methos who took it and struggled to his feet. "So what now?"

Methos glanced at his watch. "Bars'll still be open. Drink?"

"Perfect."