Title: Diary
Author: Jesca
Email: jesca10@attbi.com
Summary: Dawn tells Xander about her feelings in her own little way.
Spoilers: none...I wouldn't do that to you...lol
Rating: G (come on...she is like 15...lol)
Disclaimer: Ok, so technically I didn't make up these characters, Joss did...but I think of them lots, so doesn't that count for something? Ok, so it doesn't. Can't blame a girl for trying. Don't sue, please?
Distribution: Please email me at jesca1976@home.com and we'll talk about it...
Feedback: Please!!!!! Send to jesca1976@home.com

Buffy paced back and forth in her living room. She was anxious to get to the slaying and with her mom gone, she really needed to wait for the babysitter for Dawn. She smiled. Dawn was almost his babysitter as well. Well, at least they kept each other out of trouble. She looked at her watch again.

"Xander, where are you?"

Xander gathered board games and looks at his watch and sighed. He was late. What was new? Buffy was going to have a few choice words to say to him. He already started thinking up witty come backs as he walked toward the bed where Anya lay.

"You gonna be ok here, alone?" His brow creased with worry.

"Of course I will," said a very stuffed up Anya. "Biggest danger I face is sneezing my eyeballs out of my head."

Xander scrunched up his face and handed her a bowl. "Here, this'll catch 'em." He smiled a goofy grin down to her as she took the bowl with a smile. "I happen to like your eyes where they are. Not that I wouldn't love you anyway, but...with eyes...much better." His smile was as lame as his finish, making her grin, despite her cold.

"Gotcha. Leave the eyes in." She looked sad for a minute. "I'm gonna miss wining all the Life games!" She looked up at him. "Let Dawn win, ok?"

Xander frowned.

"When do I get to win?"

"Xan, you're an adult. She's just a kid. Let her win."

"Why don't you ever let her win?"

"Cuz I don't like to lose." Anya smiled.

"Well there's a newsflash. Here's another: I don't either."

"Oh Xander. Just do it for me." Anya sneezed, making Xander jump back. Xander nodded when she looked at him again. He turned and picked up the games, grumbling as he left to go to the Summers' house.

Buffy had the door open just as Xander had a hand out to knock. He was trying to steady the games on one arm. In his surprise, he nearly dropped them. Buffy watched for a moment while he struggled to regain control of the board games.

"It's about time Xander!"

"Hey! It's everyone's favorite superhero! Buffy, tell all your adoring fans how you get your hair to..." She didn't let him finish.

"Anything that was going to dig itself up probably has by now!"

"Which is probably for the best, don't you think?" He smiled as he walked in.

"I hate being late. Now I have to searching for their lairs and, " she paused and looked around. "Where's Anya?"

"Anya is finding out how fun human viruses are. She's at home in bed, her eyes all swollen and her nose all red. Not in her best form. But she'll live. Although you wouldn't think so if you heard her." He chuckled a little.

Buffy nodded with a frown.

"Will you be able to handle her on your own?"

Xander scoffed. "You doubt me?" At Buffy's critical look he smiled. "No worries Buffster, I got pizza on the way and board games. Ah, yes. Babysitting on a Saturday night. My life has really reached the panicle of suckiness." He gave a wry smile as she rolled her eyes.

"I'll be back later. Have fun."

"Yes, go. Go slay and be free my little friend. Go slay one for Giles, may God rest his mouth." He looked up to the air, with folded hands, giving the impression of praying. Buffy hit him, trying to hide the giggle as she walked out.

"Ha! I saw that! It was a hint of a smile! You think I'm funny!" She pulled the door closed until it closed in his face, only barely blocking the end of his silly outburst.

Hearing the door, Dawn left her room, bounding down the steps, taking them two at a time until she stopped in front of a smiling Xander.

"Xander! How's it going?" She smiled widely at him.

"Hey Dawn!" He started walking to the kitchen, putting the games down when he got there.

"Where's Anya?" Her smile widened when she didn't see Xander's girlfriend.

"Anya is sick so it's just you and me. But never fear! I've got pizza on the way, and besides, now we won't know before hand who's gonna win!" He smiled at her and she giggled, more at his smile than his words.

"So what do you want to do, first?" He smiled at her. She returned the smile, knowing exactly what she wanted to do.

"Well, I thought we should do some serious rough-housing."

"Rough-housing!" He looked excited by the prospect when he remembered Buffy's doubt in his ability to take care of Dawn solo. His smile faded a little and he assumed his grown-up face. "Now Dawn, you know what rough-housing can lead to. It's all fun and games until yadda yadda yadda…I'm starting to sound old!" He smiled. Xander looked like a child as he slapped his hands together in anticipation. "Lets commence the rough-housing! Anya doesn't let me do this at home."

She laughed as she shook her head. "Anyway. I was thinking we revert a bit and play hide and go seek. We turn out all the lights; grab a couple of flashlights, and play! Only rule, you can't leave the house. What do you think?" She looked up at him.

Xander smiled. "Sounds like loads of fun. I'll grab the lights, you get the flashlights, and we'll meet in the kitchen." Dawn nodded and with that they dispersed.

Xander went through all the rooms and turned out the lights and opened the doors. Dawn grabbed two flashlights and checked their batteries and waited for Xander. When he finally appeared they both spoke at the same time.

"You're it." They smiled and Xander chuckled.

"Ok. Rock, paper, scissors. Ready?" He waited for her to get ready before counting off. He laughed as she chose scissors and he chose his ever-reliable rock.

"You're it, Dawn." She nodded and they turned out the kitchen light. She started to count and in a second Xander was galloping up the stairs, remembering a hiding place he found while turning off the lights. He slipped into Dawns room and behind her bed, crouching down low. This way, if she looked under the bed, he wouldn't show. If she came around the bed he'd scurry under the bed and try and get out, fast. It was as good as any place, he thought.

He lifted the ruffle of her bedspread, looking to see if he could see her on the other side, when the time came. He couldn't. He was about to let the flap slide down when he caught sight of her diary.

He reached for the diary, almost immediately, curiosity flickering in his mind. Then he stopped. Part of him rebelled against the part that wanted to read it, to find out more about Dawn. He put the ruffle down, making a face at himself. He tried to make his mind think of something else, but suddenly, curiosity flooded the dam he tried hard to build and swept over his mind. Slowly, he slid the already open diary toward him, the light of the Moon making it easy for him to read.

He thought about what he would find before he read. Probably some juicy tid-bits on Buffy. He smiled at that. Maybe a secret crush he could torment her with. By this time it was too late to go back. He had committed himself to reading the diary and he was going to read it. Right after he checked one more time for her.

Slowly he peeked under the ruffle and didn't see any shadow of her feet. He looked down at the diary again, his eyes focusing on the words. He started out smiling but then his face grew serious as he read the words.




No one sees him the way I do. No one looks long enough. Like when someone's hurting, he is always there to help them. Even me. Most of them don't see me. He sees me. And all his funny jokes and his 'clumsiness' are just his way of making people laugh, even when they don't want to.

It's no big secret that things at the Harris house are less than steller. But does he walk around with his head down, moping or being depressed, even when he has the right to? No. He is laughing and smiling and just basically cheering everyone up So Xander may never know about my feelings about him, and he may never see me for more than Buffy's little sister, but at least he sees me. At least he tries. But there is one good thing about him not knowing my secrets. I can observe him quietly and add to my "Reasons Why Xander Should Be Revered" list.

Suddenly Xander heard footsteps. He was almost so engrossed in reading all about how wonderful he was that he didn't realize those were Dawn's footsteps. Quickly, and as quietly as he could he shoved the diary back under the bed, and peeked, seeing her feet. He panicked. He suddenly couldn't remember his back up plan to being cornered in Dawn's room. The feet turned and started to head around the bed. It was now or never.

Dawn gave a small scream as she saw something big and dark dart out over her bed and out the room.

"Xander!" She followed, her flashlight on. She nearly tripped down the stairs and rounded the corner, knocking over the telephone and some pictures as she bumped into a table. She ran for the kitchen trying to reach it before him when suddenly light flashed in her eyes. She came to a skidding halt and flashed her flashlight in the direction of the blinding light. She knew she got him in the eyes when his chuckling turned to a small sound of surprise caused by the light in the eyes. The light in her eyes went dark and she smiled at Xander. She couldn't help it. When she saw the very self-satisfied smile he was giving her, she had to smile in return.

The doorbell made them both jump and then laugh as they went towards the door, turning lights on as they went.

While sitting in front of the television eating pizza, Xander brought up the contents of the diary.

"Hey, Dawn?" She looked at him. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." She put the slice of pizza down and looked at him.

"Do you...well...what I mean to say is...do I...sound pathetic to you?" He grimaced. She giggled.

"Spit it out, Xander."

He looked at her seriously for a moment and recalled what she said about him cheering people up, even when he's down.

"You know I think you're pretty cool. I like hanging with you and conspiring to beat Anya in Life, and I have fun with this sittin' gig." She waited for what he was leading to. "I kinda, accidentally read your diary." He looked at her, bracing himself for the hurt/betrayed/embarrassed look she was going to give him, along with a deserved slap. But neither came. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "And...uh...I read what you said about me." He waited for the information to sink in so that she'd commence being embarrassed, but she just waited. "Aren't you angry?"

Dawn smiled.

"No."

He thought for a moment.

"You know, no one has ever said such nice stuff about me." He got up from the floor and went to sit next to her on the couch. "I was flattered...am flattered."

She looked down, a little with a smile.

"Well, now you know." She looked up at him as if to ask, "what now"? Xander had to smile. So much woman peeking out through the little girl exterior. She was going to be trouble for some poor guy when she was ready. He just hoped she'd find someone she liked as much as she seemed to like him.

He leaned over and slowly placed a kiss on her cheek. He thought she was holding her breath, and when he pulled away, he could see that she was. He smiled at that. "Thanks."

Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at him wide-eyed. He looked at the tv again and took a bite of pizza. After a moment she looked at the tv too and it was gone. The moment was gone. But she wasn't sad. She was pleased.

Dawn sighed as she picked up the over turned picture and telephone. She rolled her eyes as Buffy continued to rant about how worried she was when she tried to call home and couldn't. Xander had gone home by now. Dawn smiled when she thought of him.

She didn't think it would work, but it did. She congratulated herself as she picked up the pizza box. She had planned on leaving the diary on top of her bed, opened to that spot. She didn't get a chance to do so, but was delighted that he found it anyway.

She knew he'd never leave Anya to be with her. She knew she was too young for him. But as crushes go...she couldn't think of a sweeter or hotter guy to have one on than Xander Harris.