Title: Fear (Part 4 of CD series)
Author: Carol A. Clarke
Email: Carol.Clarke@mail.state.ky.us
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy and Sarah McLachlan it all belongs to them
Music from Sarah McLachlan Mirror Ball
Note: I could really use some constructive feedback on this series.

Tara moaned as Willow entered her. Finger thrust slowly in an ancient dance to the music playing on the stereo. Willow had not even noticed what CD she had place in the machine. In a her haste to cover the noise lovemaking Willow had grabbed to first in the stack and turned it up loader. Even in Tara's moments of ecstasy she had to laugh when she noticed the song.


your love is better then ice cream
better than anything else that I've tried
and your love is better then ice cream


Willow smiled as she noticed the song. It was one Tara loved to dance to. Willow added her tongue to the dance she was doing on Tara's body.


and it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place where we started from


Tara had bought Willow so far. Taught her so much. Willow never wanted to go back. Not to the way she was before she met Tara. It was a long way down to the place they had started from. Willow added another finger to her dance.


your love is better then chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
oh love is better then chocolate


The orgasm slammed through Tara and her body shook. The blond witch couldn't imagine anything as wonderful as this moment. This Willow.


everyone here knows how to cry
and it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place where we started from
(ice cream)


Willow slowed her fingers to comfort her lover and leaned back to watch the flush roll across her body. Tara was beautiful in the afterglow. Willow gently kissed her knee and wonder why she was doing this, Wondered if this was an act of kindness or cowardice.


listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning
memories trapped in time


Tara pulled Willow up and wrapped her in her arms. The lovers lay in silence listening to their own breathing and the music.


the night is my companion and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied


Willow was comfortable but she was not satisfied. She cared for Tara maybe even loved her but since that night two weeks ago when Buffy had asked, begged Willow to dance with her at the Wicca party she had been confused.


and I would be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and I'd wipe away the tears


Confused, she thought. Willow was anything but confused. All she had thought about since that day was kissing the slayer and wiping away her pain.


through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed


Betrayed, she had never wanted to betray or hurt anyone in her life. But hadn't she done exactly that. She had betrayed Cordelia with Xander. She had betrayed Oz. She wasn't sure but some how she felt like she must have betrayed Buffy. And she was sure she was going to betray Tara.


my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
and I would be the one to hold you down
kiss you so hard
(Possession)


And even now as she was making love to Tara all she thought about was what it would be like to make love to Buffy. Willow ached for Buffy. She had hung on every word the slayer had ever said to her. She had been living for Buffy for a very long time. Willow knew she would gladly be swallowed whole by Buffy's kiss.


you come out at night
that's when the energy comes
and the dark side's light and the vampires roam


The red haired witch lowered her head on Tara's chest and snuggled closer. The song had changed, building a mystery. Buffy's theme song in Willow's head.


and a cross from a faith that died before Jesus came


The picture of Buffy in her tight white shirt, arms crossed, with the "I don't have time for this expression" and Angel's cross around her neck. Willow had been in love with that neck. Longed to rest against it. To gentle kiss that neck since the day Buffy had leaned over her shoulder in the library and said "wow net girl scores."


you're building a mystery


Buffy was a mystery and it had nothing to do with being the slayer.


you live in a church where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search for the ghost in the halls


Willow had wanted to be a mystery. Wanted to be a part of Buffy's world no matter how small a part. So she had become a witch. She had chicken feet under her bed. She was trying to remember if she had a voodoo doll. "I really must do inventory on my witchcraft supplies." The redhead thought.


oh you're so beautiful with an edge and a charm
but so careful when I'm in your arms


All her thoughts were of Buffy but here she was in Tara's arms. Being careful? "What the hell am I doing" came screaming through her brain.


yeah you're working
building a mystery and choosing so carefully
(Building a Mystery)


Willow was going to have to choose. No she had already made her choice, Buffy. Now how do I tell Tara? I owe her so much.


hold on, hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell


Tara listened to Willow's breathing knowing what thoughts were running through her love's head. When the song started the blond witch thought, "How appropriate. "


hold on, hold on to yourself
you know that only time can tell


"Tara, I need to talk to you."


what is it in me that refuses to believe


"About Buffy?"


my love
you know you're my best friend


"Yeah, about Buffy. You know she's been my best friend since our sophomore year in high school."


you know that I'd do anything for you
and my love
let nothing come between us


"You're in love with her. Right?"


at the crossroads I am standing
so now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow
and we will see another day


"I'm not sure, maybe. I haven't done anything. I wouldn't do that to you, but you were there at the party, you know what she said and I can't stop thinking about it. And it's not fair to you so I think maybe " Willow trailed off.

"Maybe if we had some time apart you could figure it out." Tara finished as she ran her hand through Willow's hair.


hold on, hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
(Hold On)


Tara made no move to push away from Willow. The blond witch just silently continued to comb through Willow's hair.


it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me


Finally Tara broke the silence. "Willow, I've known this day was coming from the start. It's ok. I just want a favor from you."


I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me


Willow lifted her head up to look in her lovers eyes and waited for Tara to ask what she would of her.


don't tell me I haven't been there for you
just tell me why nothing is good enough
(good enough)


"Can I make love to you one last time? Can I make love to you now?"

Willow was crushed and humbled by the request. It was the shy Tara that had held her hand to move the coke machine against the gentlemen and not the women Willow knew underneath as her lover that asked this of her.


adia I do believe I failed you
adia I know I let you down
don't you know I tried so hard to love you in my way
(adia)


"I would be honored." Was Willow's only reply. Tears were falling across her soul scaring it. She had tried to love Tara but in the end she knew she had let her down.


I gave a smile stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road


Tara had moved to cover Willow's body. Her kisses were tentative, gentle. Her touch feather light. Running her fingertips the length of red head's body.


let me be the calm you seek
oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away.


This was going to be the last time. Tara knew this, and was going to make it count. She was going to watch the women she loved in the most beautiful act of life.


and I forgot to tell I love you
and the night's much to long and cold without you


Tara deepened her kiss pushing in her tongue. Then she leaned back and slowly ran her fingers over her love's body. Carefully placing pressure on all the sensitive parts. Dancing for the last time over her clit until the little witch let out the slightest sigh of pleasure.


I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you
(I Love You)

speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in your embrace


Still leaning back to watch her lover's expression Tara slid two fingers in her love. Willow moaned and opened her legs up a little wider. Tara speeded up the pace while using her thumb on the pearl that centered Willow's root chakra. Willow's eyes closed and her body bucked. Tara watch the skin of her love flush as her mucles contracted around her fingers. Silent tears flowed down her eyes with the knowledge that Buffy would soon be the one doing this, seeing this, her love.


they say temptation will destroy our love
the never-ending hunger
but I fear
(Fear)


Willow let the last of orgasm flow over her as she reached down and brushed the tears from Tara's eyes. Then she tenderly kissed her lips.


I knew you wanted to tell me
in your voice there was something wrong


"I love you Willow, I want to stop but I can't. I love you."


there's no more coming back this way
the path is overgrown and strewn with thorns


"I know, but I'm confused. I need time."


funny, how it seems that all I've tried to do
seemed to make no difference at all
(The Path of Thorns)


"Don't expect me to wait for you, Willow."


you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do


"I don't expect you to do that. Tara, I do care for you, but I care for Buffy too. Tara, I have to do this."


and I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go


"I know you have to do this, I just can't wait for you."


deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
(Do What You Have To Do)


"Tara, you know you mean a lot to me. I want us to still be friends"


it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me is a cold room


"Please, still be friends that's a good line. I thought you were better then that, Willow"


are you an angel
am I already gone
I only hope that I won't disappoint you
when I'm down here on my knees


"Sorry you're right, but I really mean it. You mean a lot to me. You're important to me."


and I don't understand
by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall


"Willow you know we can't be friends. We were friends for about ten minutes before we were on our way to being lovers. And you will always mean a lot to me to. I know you didn't do this on purpose. It's kismet and we both know fate sucks."


it doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me is a cold room
(Sweet Surrender)


"Like I said Willow I knew you were already saying goodbye the day we met."


all the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore


"So you're going to be ok with this?"


I won't fear love
and if I feel rage
I won't deny it
(Fumbling Towards Ecstasy)


"I would say that, don't be surprised if Buffy wakes up next week with hair all over her chest."

"As long as she doesn't get a dick and Xander's sense of humor too I can live with that."

Tara laughed. "I would think the hair would be a bigger deal then the dick. It at least would be interesting." Tara joked.

"No, I have lived with Xander's idea of humor for years and after scientific study I am convinced there is a connection between male body parts and belching."

"I am going to miss Xander bashing with you." Tara said before kissing Willow on the check.


I will remember you
will you remember me?
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories
remember the good times we had?


"Tara if you ever need me for anything, even if it's Xander bashing I'll be there. No matter what I do I will always cherish our time together."

"Me too."


I'm so tired but I can't sleep
standin' on the edge of something much too deep


Willow dressed and left, kissing Tara for the last time. Tara curled up in the window of her room to watch Willow cross the campus and listen to the last of the CD.


I will remember you
will you remember me?
(I will remember you)


Willow made a beautiful sight as she walked along the bike path. It strangely comforted the witch knowing the door was closing on this part of her life.


spend all your time waiting for that second chance


She would be willing wait forever for Willow but Tara also knew it would be a waste of time. The Redhead would be part of her heart until she died. But if she loved Willow she had to let her go.


it's easier to believe in this sweet madness
oh, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees


The witch was sad at the loss but her heart was full of love. Sweet madness, love had brought her to her knees but the view from the floor was breathtaking.


you're in the arms of the angel
may you find comfort here.
(Angel)


And if Buffy Summers ever hurt Willow, Slayer or not, Buffy would know the true meaning of hell. No Demon would ever be as vengeful if she ever did anything to the women she loved.