Title: Graveside Goodbye
Author: Annanara
Email: Ananara@aol.com ( There IS one less "n" in her addy!!)
Dist/Archive: please e-mail the author
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the B:tVS characters, Joss Whedon and the WB do. The lyrics are from A Celtic Tale: The Legend of Deirdre by Michael and Jeff Danna.

Xander stood among the many stones that made up the Sunnydale Cemetery. He gazed longingly at the darkening sky which had been a beautiful blue earlier. The day had been obscenely clear, crisp, and breezy with a hint of Fall coolness in the air. But now...now the sun was setting, covering the sky in a blood red.

He knew why she had asked that it be done after sunset. Why it was important to have this final memorial, a final goodbye. Asking such would be dangerous, but it was for the benefit of one member of their group. One who couldn't be here till the sun was safely below the horizon. She had wanted him to be present, she wanted them -all- to be present, for she knew that they'd need each other now more than ever.

But, she was the person he needed more than anything. She was always what he needed and now she was gone. She was his heart, his soul, his home, and now she was gone forever. She would never be returning. She would never surprise him when he wasn't paying attention; and, more importantly, she would never know exactly how much she meant to him.


In skies of frozen snow
Where winds of sadness roam
Red's sun burning low
You were my home
Where I would go


The small group huddled closer as the sun sank below the horizon. He would never see another sunset with her again. Never hold her close. Never wrestle with her or tackle her on a sunny weekend with the rest of her friends.

Xander watched the last tendrils of light retreat, the immaculate green grass becoming dark. It reflected the feelings in his heart. It all seemed so unreal, so unnatural. A dark, horrible mistake. A nightmare come true. But the longer he stared at the tombstone before him, he knew it was no dream. No matter how much he wished it was.


In green fields
Now unknown
Your name upon
The standing stone


Angel arrived a few moments later, dressed in black as always. He had with him a yellow rose. The rose of friendship. He laid it carefully upon the fresh grave. She had been buried earlier in the day, but in an unofficial will she had requested that we have this private gathering.

She was always thinking of others, why couldn't she have thought about herself for just one moment? Xander wondered. If she had, she'd still be around today. If only she hadn't tried to help him. If only he hadn't gotten careless for one moment...


Love invites
One last call
When death from life
Begins to fall


One of the vampires had been slowly backing him into a corner. It held a stake clutched in it's hand, ready to bring it down on him. He started reaching out blindly for things to throw at it. She had seen his trouble and rushed over to help him.

He stumbled backwards, turning his back to the vampire for one second. One long, terrible, heart shattering second. He remembered everything as if it were in slow motion. The slow, time consuming way the vampire raised it's arm. The way it found a target and brought the stake down. It's slow descent towards his chest. He could swear he heard the displaced air as it came at him. But before it hit him, she pushed him out of the way screaming his name.

The stake dropped down through her chest.

He never did find out who staked the vampire, but it turned to ashes as he held her in his arms. The time that had been so still now seemed rushed and hurried. His mind was in a whirl, the only thing he could think was that his best friend was dying. That his love was dying.

He remembered smoothing her hair back, the blood on his hands blending easily into her long locks. Rocking her gently, he was desperate to believe that she wasn't really dying, that she'd miraculously heal before his eyes. He knew it wasn't going to happen, but all he could do was hope.

They all knew she wouldn't survive long enough for help. And she knew best of all. She had put a bloody finger up to his lips, silencing him. He hadn't even noticed that he was talking. She gave him the sweetest and saddest smile he had ever seen before she whispered, "I love you, Xander."

His heart missed a beat to hear those words. She didn't love him as just a friend or like a brother, it was more. And only now, with her dying in his arm, did he realize he loved her just as much. The fact tore at his heart. Joy and grief warring with each other. He finally found his voice and replied with his own declaration of love.

Her smile at his words was so bright it was hard to believe she was dying. Her eyes slowly fluttered, then shut for the final time. He felt her body go limp and could have sworn he felt a cold rush as her spirit left.

Everything in his world went silent. It felt as if the world had stopped, holding it's breathe for one long moment. Suddenly, he screamed in pain and outrage, breaking the silence. Through the waves of pain and anger one unwavering fact remained, she was truly gone.

He continued to rock her body in his lap, gazing upon the gentle face of his love. A faint smile remained on her face as if she had died happily. If it weren't for the blood and the stake in her tiny body, she looked as if she had simply fallen asleep.

She should be asleep, he had thought. She should be in bed, far away from all this. She shouldn't have risked her life...and lost. It just wasn't fair. He finally found the love of his life, only to have her die in his arms at his realization. He was too late. He was always too late...


The streams no longer go
No love can grow old
Without memories
Your arms my home
Where I would sleep


The tears came again, falling unashamed as he looked upon her tombstone. He fell to his knees before the grave and cried.

How can I live without you? he silently cried. I don't want to be without you! I need someone to show me how to do my math, to prod me to do my work, to be there when nobody else is. I needed you to stay, I needed to return your love. You had always been there, but always overlooked. I took you for granted and now I'll pay...


Tears
Now unfold
How can I now
Alone grow old
Dusty Stars
Shed their lights
When death from life
Slips silently to the night


The night became darker and the danger increased. The moon lit up the graveyard, shining it's light upon such a dark occasion. As Xander cried, he felt Buffy came up behind him, putting a comforting arm around him. Though he was grateful for her presence, it wasn't the same as if she was here. Buffy's touch was caring and gentle, but it lacked the love he knew only she could give. He wept harder, his eyes burning.

Xander saw through tear filled eyes as Giles knelt on his other side, Ms. Calendar standing behind him. Giles didn't say anything, just knelt beside him and put an arm around his shoulder. Xander blinked in surprise when he thought he saw her next to him. She was always helping Giles in the library, always by their side...

He looked up in surprise as he felt two other hands on his shoulder. He looked up to see Cordelia smiling sadly at him. Her eyes were red. Of all the people she had invited, he never thought Cordelia would come. She who had tormented his Love since she was a young girl. She who had slowly worked her way into their little group. Funny, he thought, she did seem to be the least harsh on Cordelia. Why was that? he mused sadly.

Xander finally stood, looking at the last member of their group. Angel. The only vampire with a soul. The only vampire she trusted enough to defend when the rest of us had doubts. She was always so trusting...she was a great influence on those around her and she didn't even know it.

God, why did she have to leave me? he silently cried. His sobs began again and he felt the others close in around him, enveloping them all into a hug. There was only one person missing in their group hug and that fact made Xander hug his friends tighter.

The group slowly dispersed, but Xander, Buffy and Angel staying behind. Xander was grateful to Buffy and Angel. They would make sure he got home safely, but they also let him have some personal time with her. It was time for him to say goodbye, but to do so made it feel so real. She was really gone. My God, she's dead, his mind screamed at him. She's not coming back to you again.

Maybe it's better this way, he thought. Maybe this was his punishment for the pain he knew he caused her. And he was sure he had caused her much pain by ignoring her love, tossing it aside without a thought. But he was wrong...so wrong. And now, he'd pay.

He sighed as he studied the marble tombstone one last time before leaving; his hand following the carved letters of her name. Her name...why can't I say her name? he asked himself. It's a lovely name. I told her as much once, when we were younger. So why can't I?

"Goodbye, my Love," he whispered softly. He couldn't bring himself to say her name out loud. Perhaps one day he could...

He glanced at the stone one last time before leaving. The light of the moon made it so easy to see the inscription...

Willow Ann Rosenberg
November 26, 1980 - October 15, 1997
Beloved Daughter and Friend