Title: I Just Let Him Go
Author: AllytheVamp
Email: Marie_214@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Joss owns Willow and Oz and I don't. And if I had written 'Wild At Heart' it would have ended different but I didn't. Aw well... The Song is 'Till The End Of Time' by Mariah Carey. It fits I think...
Dedications: To Pixie~ I'm so sorry that your site is gone. You are very talented and I hope you'll put up your stories again! Thanx for the support!
Spoilers: Wild At Heart
Authors Notes: I hated Wild At Heart for obvious reasons but did you see the way Alyson and Seth played it out!? Can you say Emmy!?

Close to me
Oh I need you close to me
Loving me...


I wanted to knock down the door. I wanted to barge in and scream bloody murder, but I knocked first anyhow. I didn't really care whether or not he was going to answer me so I just opened the door.

Oz was picking up some clothing on the other side of the room. I said hi trying to sound non-challant. I noticed a large bag on his bed, bursting with clothes and a cold fear rose in my chest. I didn't want to know, but I asked anyway.

"What're you doing?"

"I'm going." he said flatly, shoving the rest of his clothes into the bag.

"You're leaving?" I echoed a bitterness creeping into my voice. "That's your solution?"

Oz started to put on his coat. No! He couldn't leave! At least not until I got some explination as to why he was giving up on us...

"That's my decision." He said firmly.

Decision? He made the decision for us both? How could he-?

"Don't I get any say in this?" I tried, my resolve to show no weakness fading fast. I knew what the answer was going to be. It didn't make actually hearing it any less painful.

"Nope." Oz shook his head. Then finally he looked at me. His eyes were tired and pained. They bore into mine begging me for understanding. I always used to love looking into his eyes. Now it hurt.

"Veruca was right about one thing." Oz began tearing his eyes away from mine. "The wolf is inside me all the time. And I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means...I shouldn't be around you-" Oz choked up and he swallowed hard. My chest started to ache. I was so scared. I'd never seen Oz so close to crying. "Or anybody." he finished his voice steadying.

"Well that could be a problem." I tried to challenge him the bitterness still in my voice. I felt desperation pulling me down. "Cause people? Kind-of a planetary epidemic."

"I'll find some place." Oz said unconvincingly as if he was trying to reassure us both.

It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

"Well, how long?" I asked him in a small voice. My eyes blurred with tears as my chest tightened.

Oz shrugged. He still wouldn't look at me. I saw the tears in his eyes. "I don't know." he murmured.

Then I remembered something Buffy had said earlier. Oz loves you. He isn't the type to stray. I thought I knew he did without him saying so. Now I didn't know anymore. If he loved me then why was he hurting me like this. Just looking his way...it hurt so much. That scared me, more than anything on Earth, and the room started to shift as my eyes welled up with tears. I choked on every word.

"Oz...don't you love me?"

Oz finally looked up, his eyes shining with tears. He looked scared too. I saw the love in his eyes at that moment, more than I ever had before.

"My whole life...I never loved anything else." he croaked.

I started to sob then letting go of my resolve completley. I knew what he was leaving for. He wanted to stay, but he was leaving for me. So he wouldn't hurt me. But dammit he was hurting me so much more this way. It made so much sense it didn't make any sense.

Oz came forward unable to stand it and I leaned gratefully into the comforting farmiliar warmth. He leaned in close to me. His forehead rested on mine, his hand ran through my hair, and I could feel his soft breath on my face. All these things...all the things that used to feel so good...why did they hurt so much? I wanted to say so many things right then. But I couldn't. My pain wouldn't let me. So I just savoured the feel of being in his arms for one last moment.


Why can't you see
I would give the world away to have you by my side...


"Oz." I rasped through another frightened sob.

He kissed my forehead softly the way he had done a million times before. It hurt so much...

Then he was gone. He left quickly. I couldn't watch. I just stood there in his room sinking to the ground in my pain. Why was I suddenly so cold? I was so cold I didn't think I'd ever be warm again. I heard his van leave. When it was gone I ran. I was so scared, alone and in pain that I didn't care.

I ran until my heart burned and I couldn't breath. I'm so thankful Buffy was there. I had stopped crying when I found my way home, but when I saw the way Buffy stared at me, her eyes full of pain for me I broke down again.

"Will." Buffy whispered.

I crawled over and lay my head on Buffy's lap crying so hard I thought I'd never stop. Buffy let me, knowing what had happened. She remained silent as I bawled knowing there were no words.

Later on, when Buffy had to patrol and when I had calmed down Xander came by. I collapsed in his arms and we held eachother close as he whispered words of comfort. There was no sexual tension like there may have been in a different situation. All it was, was the comforting presence of my best friend. I was in pain and Xander was helping me heal. Xander was wonderful, making me laugh and letting me cry, but nothing repaired the hurt inside me.

I promised myself if Oz ever came back, I wouldn't let him go again. Ever.

And this time I would say "I love you back."


Each and every night I pray you'll come and save my life
I would love you till the end of time...


FIN