Title: Letting Go
Author: Wildecate
Email: Wildecate@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Summary: Set after “Grave”. Tying up some loose ends.

The day shouldn’t be sunny, Dawn thought angrily. Today it should be raining, thunderstorms, lightning cracking across the sky. Today shouldn’t have clear blue skies and white fluffy clouds and bright sunshine. Funerals shouldn’t look like happy days. She bit her lip, bravely trying to hold back her tears.

Her sister slid a slim brown arm across her shoulders and held her close, giving her strength to get through the ceremony. Xander who stood on her other side wrapped his fingers through hers and held her hand.

“It’s OK to cry” he whispered in her ear.

She shook her head slightly and continued to look straight in front of her. He squeezed her fingers gently in sympathy as she lost the battle with her emotions and her tears began to fall.

A pretty young woman came round the group carrying a bowl and a cloth for each person to wash their hands in. Buffy rinsed her hands in the icy cold water and dried them on the rough cloth offered before following her sister and their friends across to where the ritual would be taking place. She took her place between Dawn and Anya, taking their offered hands. Soon the circle was complete around the open grave.

A tall dark haired woman was standing in the circle and she gave a welcoming smile to all the mourners and welcomed them all. She spoke briefly of Tara, of how she had moved on to a better place, the Summerlands, and how she awaited rebirth. She invited everyone to speak of Tara and to lay something in the gave which reminded them of her.

Everyone spoke of Tara’s compassion, her generosity, her kindness and her power. Xander remembered her gentle comforting smile and he laid a charm in the grave that she had once made for him when he had been feeling ill. Dawn and Buffy moved as one to lay rose crystals into the grave. Dawn spoke of Tara’s understanding, her willingness to teach and her love for Willow. Buffy remembered Tara’s bravery - the shy girl who had blossomed when she had met Willow and her courage to join their fight. Anya couldn’t speak. She laid a dried flower in the grave. Tara had kept her bouquet from Xander and Anya’s wedding and dried it, and it was from there that Anya had taken her flower.

The leader of the Wicca coven gestured for everyone to take hands and slowly they recited a final chant for Tara. Dawn could barely speak she was crying so hard and as soon as the circle had dropped hands, Buffy took her into her arms and held her as she sobbed.

“Thank you” Xander accepted a brief hug from the coven leader who handed him a white flower. “It’s what Tara would have wanted.”

“I’m glad that you feel that way” she smiled “so many families and friends often ignore the deceased’s wishes. I’m sure that we fulfilled Tara’s wishes.” Her face clouded over “I noticed that someone wasn’t here though.”

“Willow?” Xander asked, as a pang of pain shot through him “She’s in England, recuperating. It’s been very difficult for her. But we felt that we shouldn’t wait. We weren’t sure when she was coming back.”

The woman inclined her head gracefully “I was just simply noting her absence, not placing blame. It was a violent and unnatural death, it will not be easy for Willow to come to terms with.”

Xander allowed his mind to go back to Willow, determination written all over her face, the magic flowing from the earth through her and to the statue.

“She’s got a long way to go. But she’ll get there.” he said confidently. He tried not to think of the broken girl that Giles had taken on the plane. She could barely speak, let alone look at anyone.

“I’m sure she will” the woman smiled again “I hope to see you all again someday”.

Xander shook her hand and walked off to join his friends. He wondered where Willow was and wished that he was with her. He hadn’t wanted to let her go to England and had been determined to go with her. Giles had taken him aside.

“You need to stay here. I need to know there is someone looking after Buffy, Dawn and Anya. They’re all lost right now. You can keep them together.”

“Willow needs me” Xander had insisted. Giles gave him a sad smile.

“I know she does Xander. But right now, the others need you more. I can take care of Willow. I’m going to take her back to the coven with me. That’s something I need to do. This is something that you need to do.”

Xander hated to admit it but Giles had been right. He had worked hard all the time since their departure, bringing the money in, helping clean the house, keeping Dawn company if Buffy wanted to head out alone, helping patrol, drying eyes and cleaning wounds. But he missed his friend. He missed Willow desperately. He wasn’t even sure if she’d be the same shy girl that he had known all his life when she returned. It didn’t matter, he thought resolutely, I’ll still love her. He hoped she was alright.

Giles watched from a window as Willow wandered aimlessly through the garden. Buffy had called the day before, had said they were burying Tara the next day, she thought Willow would want to know. Giles had asked if Buffy wanted to talk to Willow but he could tell from the slight hesitation, from the tone of her voice and the flimsy excuse that she gave that she didn’t want to talk to her, couldn’t face it just yet. How unlike his Slayer. Usually she was first up to face any sort of difficult situation. He had told Willow about Tara’s funeral but she had given no response, just a nod before turning away, back to her books. He longed to be able to reach her. She had gone from class to class, drinking in all the knowledge that the coven had but nothing seemed to touch her heart and soul.

Willow followed the gravel paths back to the old mansion. She had seen Giles watching her from the window. Perhaps he was afraid that she would do something foolish. A hint of a smile crossed her lips at that thought - as if she could do anything more foolish that she had already done. Her wandering steps had taken her through the house and to the music room and she sat down at the piano and stared down at the ivory keys for a moment.

White and black - black and white. Everything used to be so simple once. You knew who the bad guy was. But then the line blurred and suddenly she had been fighting against Buffy. All the things that she had said and done came flooding back to her and tears overflowed in her eyes and slid down her cheeks. She longed immeasurably for Tara, missing everything about her - even just her presence in the room. Willow’s fingers slid over the cool keys and found their way into a familiar melody. The song words came into Willow’s mind and she sang softly , not something she did often, preferring usually to listen to Tara’s sweet soprano.


My immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me


There was someone else in the room with her but she didn’t turn to see them, knowing from the faint scent of aftershave and the stronger smell of leather that it was Giles. He had followed the strains of the music through the house until he had found her and now he sat beside her, letting his fingers take the bass part of the song. He knew the song that Willow was playing, it reminded him of Tara somehow. Willow’s voice, never the strongest, was still soft and quiet but tuneful. Giles quietly added his harmony - the song becoming a tribute for Tara.

He thought of her as a tangible presence in his life, her shy smile enough to light up a room when she was happy. He remembered first meeting Tara, she had reminded him somewhat of Willow, shy, nervous and unsure. Her appearance had belied her power though and she had helped Willow take her first steps towards the witchcraft - the craft which would eventually be Willow’s undoing. He knew that Tara had always blamed herself for not being firmer with Willow, for allowing things to get so out of control. He had not blamed Tara at all. She was only a child herself - Giles, more than anyone, was to blame. He had seen it all before and yet had allowed Willow to go deeper and deeper until Tara had done the only thing she could do. She had got out. The shock her leaving had shaken Willow to the core and it was only when Dawn had nearly been killed that she had finally quit the magick and endured the withdrawal from it. He wished that Buffy had been able to tell him how bad things had become but she couldn’t.

And now here they were. Willow so lost and lonely. He often thought that if he had ever had a daughter that she might be a lot like Willow. Intelligent, smart and brave, headstrong and passionate. He longed to comfort her but she had shut herself away from everyone. For a moment he regreted not allowing Xander to accompany them to England. He would have been able to reach Willow at a deeper level. She was profoundly ashamed of herself and Xander had seen her at her worst, had talked her down and had comforted her when she was beyond the reach of everyone else. How could Giles possibly compete with 18 years of friendship? How could he even try? The only comfort he could give now was to sit with her and sing with her. It was the first time she had tolerated this physical closeness since he had brought her here.


You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


Willow knelt on the damp grass next to the grave and ran her fingers over the cool stone of the grave.

“Hey there,” she said softly. “It’s me.”


When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I’ve held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me