Title: Never Ever And Always
Author: Melissa Flores
Email: mistyjox@hotmail.com
A BVS story (c/x)
Teaser: A jealous confrontation and a need for answers prompts Cordelia to go to Xander with questions, and unexpectedly opens a torrent of emotions.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Josses.
Author's Notes: Realized I haven't written a C/X fic in a while, and decided I had to. This is a short fic, angst ridden, maybe I'll do a sequel if people want me to. The idea for it was after listening to the song "never Ever", but All Saints, which I think, aside from My Favorite Mistake, but Sheryl Crow, and "push", by Matchbox 20, is perfect for describing post lover walk angst.
Spoilers: Ahh.... Dopplegangland, what's up with crackhead Joss' (stole the name from Courtney - love ya girl. :-) ) characterization of Cordelia?!?!?! Augh.

Chapter Eight


now you're pictures that you left behind
are just memories of a different life
some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
one that made you have to say goodbye
what I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
to touch your lips, to hold you near
when you say your prayers
try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man


I felt my heart stop. This all seemed like some horrifying nightmare. Cordelia had absolutely frozen. Even the vampires that before had their grip tight on me just let me go, and as I looked up at them in desperation, I saw they were grinning at Faith like they loved her.

Faith was watching me, saw the agony in my face, and slowly, a grin spread widely on her face. Oh, she was enjoying this. I felt nauseous knowing I was inside her. I had that memory in my life for the rest of my life, knowing that she was always my first… knowing that Cordelia would always know that.

I felt a lone tear fall, my heart beating furiously. Slowly, my throat closed up, I walked slowly to her. She didn't look at me, though I'm sure she must have heard me, I was almost gasping for breath in my anxiousness.

I never wanted to hurt her, and yet I knew… I knew that this was the worst possible thing I could have done. I might as well have taken that rebar and stuck it back through her.

Gently, I placed my hands on her shoulders. "Cor?" I asked softly.

Suddenly she jerked, as if even my touch disgusted her.

"Don't you DARE touch me!" She roared suddenly, and turning toward me, I felt my heart drop. Her eyes… her eyes were so cold. She looked at me, as if she couldn't see me, as if she was trying to look into me, and I suddenly felt naked.

"I trusted you." Her voice suddenly got soft and shaky, as her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe-"

I gulped, suddenly forgetting everyone else was there, concerned only for her. Moving forward I tried to grab her.

"DON'T!" she cried again, moving back in spite of the pain I knew she was in.

"Cor, please let me explain."

"How could you!"

Faith leaned in. "Yeah, Xander. You didn't put up much a fight, you know." Hate filled me, and I turned to her, my eyes flashing.

"you-"

"Xander, leave her alone. She didn't rape you." Cordelia's words were edged with ice.

And I turned, swallowing. "Cordy! I don't' know why- Cor, if I can just expl-"

"No, Xander!" She cried suddenly. "You don't get to explain! Okay? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS BETTER!"

Faith had her arms crossed as she marveled at Cordelia's grief.

"She's really on the drama trip, isn't' she? What you two never did it?"

And I gulped. We had waited. Because she was a virgin. And Because I was a virgin. We had waited. And I had stopped waiting. Apparently she hadn't.

Faith's eyes grew wide, and she chuckled. "You didn't did you? Xander, you dog!"

My fists clenched, and I snapped. I lunged to her, but she was after all, the Slayer, and before I knew it, I was on the ground, my hands on my stomach, the wind knocked out of me.

Faith looked down at me in amusement. I paid her no heed, instead turning my eyes to Cordelia. She gazed down at me, the blood blazing red, her eyes bright with emotion. Her mouth was trembling, but she kept staring at me, something in her eyes looking for something from me, waiting for something. And I couldn't do anything. Because I didn't know what she needed. What she wanted from me. Even though, right now, I would have done everything for her. I would have done anything.

And there was nothing I could do. I had hurt her irreparably. Despair filled me as her eyes grew hollow, and without a word, she turned from me. And then I could nothing but pull my legs up, and stay utterly still.

Faith walked over to me, nudging me with her foot. "Thanks, Xand." She whispered. "You did more than I ever could."

"So, Cordy? Everything you believed in, everything you trusted, it's all gone." She turned toward her, and whispered in her ear, still loud enough for me to hear. "And I'll never betray you. You have nothing. But with us, you'll have it all, Queen C."

"You're wrong, Faith." I sat up, suddenly aware that Cordelia's voice had gone steady.

Faith chuckled. "About what? Little witchy Willow takes your boyfriend, Buffy takes their side, Xander loses his virginity to someone else a few weeks after you break up without putting up much of a fight, and you've got a scar on that tummy that will remind you of it the rest of your life." She poked at the exact place, and I felt anger rise in me as Cordelia flinched, but thank God, stood her ground.

She closed her eyes, breathing for a minute, and when she opened them, they were bright.

"I still believe in one thing, Faith."

"What?"

"Me. I still believe in me. I finally believe in me." She smiled through her pain. "I never believed in myself. I needed other to make me believe in me, but I finally do. And Faith, darling, you'll never take that from me."

She smiled at Faith, who was too stunned to come with a retort. "Oh, and Faith? About Xander over there? You may have rutted like a dog with him, but who has his heart huh?"

Faith's eyes blazed and her hand reeled back to strike Cordelia. And then time stopped when Cordelia calmly reached up and blocked the blow.

"I watch good." She responded. And I had never been prouder and more in love than at that moment.

The vampires that had held me now were around the two of them, and I sat up, in pain, but able to walk nevertheless.

Faith in her anger, didn't notice me. "You bitch." She growled. "I don't give a damn if he wants you or not, and to hell with the triumvarent, I want you dead."

And my heart pounded. Without thinking, I sprinted and barreled through the vampires, tackling Faith and taking her down with me.

Cordelia screamed, but I barely heard her, I was trying to keep Faith off of me. I knew I was no match for her, but I also knew I had to try.

"Cordy! Go on, get out of here!" I cried.

Faith just laughed before punching me off of her. "How the hell is she going to do that?" she asked me. And I looked as saw the three vampires holding her between them. My heart froze. I didn't watch Faith for a second, and regretted it right after, as I heard Cordelia scream again and felt the most blinding pain strike me right in the head.

It was an iron, I think. And it hurt like hell. I fell immediately, but fought so hard to stay conscious, aware that it was falling on me a second time.

But it never came. I opened my eyes against the pain and saw the most beautiful scene in the world. Buffy was holding the tire iron back, maybe two inches from my face. And murder was in her eyes.

"Faith, I've taken a lot." She bit. "but this just cuts the cheese."

I sighed in relief, and lay my head down.

I could barely see, I had to close my eyes to keep the blood from getting in, and Buffy's voice was above me, crying out for Angel to help her.

She moved from above me. I squinted my eyes, trying desperately to stay conscious and avoid the pain as I looked to make sure Cordelia was alright. In my haze of tears and blood, a blurry Giles was holding her, while she was fighting as hard as she could to get to something that was in my direction.

"Xander!" Cordelia's voice was shrill above the din, and I was only vaguely aware of Willow and Oz pulling at me, and dragging me. All I heard was Cordelia.

She was still screaming when I blanked out.

Soft hands caressed my body, and I felt lofty. Out of it. I felt pain, but was only mildly aware of it, as these hands and fingers kept sending rushes of pleasure throughout my body. My brain was only slightly aware of it. The rest of it was trying to recognize the voice that was speaking to me from above somewhere. It was a beautiful voice, but it was crying. And I couldn't figure out why.

And I tried to reach for it, and couldn't, and finally in frustration I jerked.

And suddenly the voice became much louder, and I felt those soft hands grab my body.

"Xander?"

Cordelia. I opened my eyes, wincing as the light above me hit me full force, but I didn't move, I was too busy trying to find her. She was hovering over me, her face cradling my hands as she gazed down at me, on her face a mixture of worry and love.

And there was no hate. Relief flooded my body.

"Cordelia!" Even though I still felt weak, I pulled her to me, not daring to let go. She was surprised, but recovered quickly, and hugged me back briefly before pulling back.

"Xander, you're hurt." She said firmly. Her hands on my chest, she pushed me back on the bed.

I could only smile at her in relief. "Are you okay?" I asked, my eyes roving to her forehead, where a Band-Aid covered the left half. Her eyes glistened as she carefully pointing to the bandages on my head, her fingers tenderly grazing my cheek.

"It's not me we're all worried about." she responded. And as if on cue the door opened and Buffy poked her head through.

"Hey Cor. How's he-" She trailed off when she saw me looking at her in bewilderment. "Xand! You're awake! He's awake guys!"

And the door opened and in stormed Oz, Angel, Giles and Willow. Buffy came forward and hugged me so hard I gasped in pain.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" She winced, for a moment forgetting my wounds.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Broken ribs, concussion, the usual." Willow quipped, leaning over and kissing me on the cheek. Oz and

Cordelia both raised an eyebrow, but one look at Cordelia caused Oz to smile. I knew I was gazing at her in adoration. She only swallowed, and looked away. I bit my lip, but was forced to return my attention to my other friends, as Buffy began to chatter away about how she had managed to save me and usurp the end of the world, yet again. And I wish I could tell you how she did it. I'm sure it was something great. But you know what? I barely heard a word of it. I didn't listen, instead I kept my gaze on Cordelia. She was silent, as she sat slightly apart from the group, her legs and arms crossed, her body still. A bruise where Faith had hit her was going purple. Her clothes were dirty, unchanged from the previous events. Her eyes had sags around them, her hair was pulled haphazardly into a pony tail and she gazed at everyone with an unreadable expression.

And I thought she never looked more beautiful.

"Hey... Buffy?" Buffy stopped midsentence, and looked at me.

"What?"

I swallowed, and smiled sheepishly from the hospital bed. "Can I talk to Cordy alone?" The room grew silent. All eyes turned to Cordelia.

Cordelia turned her head, meeting my gaze, her eyes narrowing, and she was still silent.

Buffy gazed at her, as if asking for something, and after a moment, Cordelia nodded.

"Sure, come on, guys." Buffy pushed everyone out, even Willow, who was still going on and on about how my IV wasn't on the right side of the bed, according to medical procedures or something.

We were silent for a minute.

I took a breath, and let it out slowly, aware I was still in pain. I had no idea what I was going to say to her. I didn't know how to start this. But thank, God. She did.

"You know, you're an idiot."

My head shot up. "huh?"

She nodded, keeping her arms crossed as she stood up slowly and made her way to the side of my bed. "I could have kept resisting. I knew Buffy was coming."

I was completely bewildered. "Huh? How did you know that?"

She cocked an eyebrow. "Buffy came through the fireplace. She was signaling to me right after I found about you and Faith."

"Oh." So that was why she had gone all self control on Faith.

"You didn't have to do that."

I nodded furiously. "Cordy, I HAD to."

"Because you're a man?"

"No, because I love you."

She looked away, and walked slowly to the window, staring out of it for a moment. "You have a funny way of showing it."

I almost grinned at the irony of the statement. "So do you."

"Xander, if we tried to psychoanalyze me, we'd be here all winter break." She turned and looked at me. "You know, you're not the only reason I went ballistic."

I swallowed, and nodded, remembering all she had lost.

"And yet.... none of that meant anything yesterday." She continued. "When I thought I might lose you. For good."

My entire body went still. "Cor?"

"Okay, first of all. Faith? Just eww. Okay? The thought, just the picture of you two *DOING It-" She trailed off, shuddering. "Xander... I feel sorry for you. You're first time is with ... that.... homicidal-" She trailed off, apparently not be able to find a word graphic enough to describe her. "And that's your problem, not mine. We weren't together when it happened. And frankly, I never, ever want to hear about it." She sighed, and then sat on the bed, facing me.

"You can be such an asshole," She breathed, looking up and then back at me, smiling shakily. "but so can I. And I think that sorta makes us perfect for each other. You hurt me, more than anyone can, Xander, and it'll be a long time before I really trust you completely, but I also know you love me. And you really know me. And you still love me."

I nodded, breathless. She gave me a soft, tired smile. "And I still love you."

I felt my heart skip a beat. "Cor? What are you saying?"

"I want to start over. Me and you. Together." Seeing my stunned face, she rolled her eyes, finally allowing herself to give one, small grin. "Isn't it obvious, geekboy?"

And it was, and so I gulp, my heart full, not quite believing she really meant it. But she did, because she lifted a shaky hand and placed it over mine, and then leaned over, and gently placed a tender kiss on my lips. And I finally dared to believe her.

And I held her as close as I could, a tightly as I dared. The knowledge that it would take her a long time to learn to trust me completely raced through me, but I only held her closer, loving the way she felt against me. It didn't matter. Because I loved her, because I would always love her, it didn't matter. Because as far as I was concerned, I could wait forever. Afterall, if that was the case, I had all the time in the world.

And in the meantime, I knew that we would have our battles, but we would fight them together. We had passed the harshest test any people could pass, we wounded each other, and we still loved. And that made all the difference. We were gonna be together, me and Cor. And I would never leave her again. I love her. Forever, ever and Always.


Well there ain't no luck
in these loaded dice
but baby if you give me just one more try
we can pack up our old dreams
and our old lives
and find a place where the sun still shines
and I will love you
Baby
Always
And all be there forever and a day
Always

I'll be there when the sun don't shine
when the heavens burst
and the words don't rhyme
oh, and when I die
you'll be on my mind
and I'll love you...Always
FIN


Comments to melissaf@scf.usc.edu


A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so.
I need to know, what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on

Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answer keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake
again.

You can tell me to my face
or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter
either way, I have to know

Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find

My head's spinning, boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated, don't' want to communicate
I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will roam, to find peace of mind
The happy mind, I once owned.
Flexing vocabulary runs right through my head
the alphabet runs right from a to zed
conversations, hesitations in my mind
you got my conscious asking questions
that I can't find

I'm not crazy, I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong

Now I'm just waiting, cause I'm sure that this
feeling won't last that long

Never Ever have I ever felt so low
when you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling
really bad.

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own piece of
mind,
never ever had my conscious to fight,
the way I'm feeling yeah
it just don't feel right.

I'll keep searchin', deep within my soul
for all the answers, don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, got to feel at ease
Need to be free from pain, I'm going insane
My heart aches, yeah

Never Ever have I ever felt so low
when you gonna take me out of this black hole
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling
really bad.


Always, by Bon Jovi
This romeo is bleeding,
but you can't see his blood
it's nothing but some feelings,
that this old dog kicked up
it's been raining since you left me
now I'm drowning in the flood
you see I've always been a fighter
but without you, I give up
now I can't sing a love song
like the way it's meant to be
well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
but baby, that's just me
yeah, I will love you
baby - Al--ways
and I'll be there forever and a day - Al--ways
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
till the heavens burst and
the words don't rhyme
and I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
and I'll love you - Al---ways
now you're pictures that you left behind
are just memories of a different life
some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
one that made you have to say goodbye
what I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
to touch your lips, to hold you near
when you say your prayers
try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man
when he holds you close, when he pulls you near
when he says the words you've been
needing to hear
I'll wish I was him `cause those words are mine
to say to you till the end of time
yeah, I will love you
baby - Al--ways
and I'll be there forever and a day -
Alw-ays
if you told me to cry for you, I could
if you told me to die for you,I would
take a look at my face
there's no price I won't pay
to say these words to you
well, there ain't no luck
in these loaded dice
but baby if you give me just one more try
we can pack up our old dreams
and our old lives
we'll find a place where the sun still shines
yeah, I will love you,baby - Al--ways
and I'll be there forever and a day - Alw-ays
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
till the heavens burst and
the words don't rhyme
and I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
and I'll love you - Al---ways