Title: Obsession
Author: Wildecate
Email: Wildecate@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Summary: Drusilla is sitting and thinking about Angel.
Song by Delirious

What can I do with my obsession?
With the things I cannot see?
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than the skin
And you surroung me like a winter fog
You come and burn me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you

I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubbon and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
And I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you


I was 18 when it happened. When I was turned. I said goodbye to the sun forever and I really don’t miss it that much. I miss the heat, the glowing rays warm on my face and skin, but I really don’t miss it that much. The moon is my companion now - her cool luminous glow reflecting on my own pale skin. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t change this for the world. Not that I had the choice. When it started it seemed so normal, so innocent. I don’t really remember what happened, why what happened....happened. All I do remember is that he came to fill my world - my Angel. He filled my head and my heart and then my soul. He kissed me and with that kiss my heart and soul were gone forever, not his, just gone. I don’t remember much, just the violence of the kill and waking up different. And he was with me, my Angel, my constant. He never left my side and even when he did it was not for long.

I remember the first time I met Spike. I saw him in a doorway, tall and elegant, he turned his head and smiled that beautiful smile and for the first time I felt something stir in my long dead heart. And then my Angel left me. I sometimes hear Spike say that that was the final thing that closed the door on my madness.

I have to say at this point that I actually can’t remember going from sane to insanity. There’s something about the demon that turns you anyway and I know that I was well on the way when I was mortal. You have to understand something though, before you judge me and what I do, you have to understand something about obsession. I know lots of people who say that my Angel was obsessed with me, but they never say I was obsessed with him. I was. He possessed me totally, inside and out and I’m not talking physically. He was always there, every time I turned a corner, everywhere I looked, there he was - the dark shadowy figure. He haunted my dreams and my mind. And that’s obsession. I would have done anything for him and he for me.

There was always Spike, whenever I called he was there. For every new city we visited, he bought me a present, a new doll - Miss Edith he bought me the first time we went to Paris. At the time I had a dress exactly the same as hers. Spike treats me like a doll, fragile and breakable. He calls me "pet" and treats me like one. There is nothing he could deny me. He is obsessed too. If I asked him to bring me the Slayer he would, he has, and we’ve killed them. Well, we killed them eventually.

Being a demon is a strange thing. Most of the time there’s no restraint, there’s just you and how you feel. Killing is liberating - knowing you have the power to take life and, if you want, to return it is better than any kind of drug. But sometimes, part of the old Drusilla comes back and I can hear her in my head talking to me. She shouts at me and cajoles me, tells me not to do what I’m doing. I heard her loudest when I killed that last Slayer. I looked deep into her eyes, brown and blank, and I saw myself reflected in them. Drusilla was screaming so loud I thought everyone could hear her. Drusilla isn’t who I am - it’s just a name I wear, there’s nothing of Drusilla left in me. Only the madness.

My Angel came back. When you’re immortal days and years seem to be the same thing. You mark time by events, by deaths, by wars. I marked time by Angel - the time I had him, the time I didn’t and then I did again. I remember the Judge saying "there is no humanity in him" and my heart awakening again. My Angel, back. And how we killed together, we poured terror into the heart of that little town and he wreaked his revenge on the Slayer. And I watched him. And I thought that if he had been to me as he had been to her, then it was no wonder that I was called insane. I still don’t know how she survived it.

Spike stayed with me all that time and yes, I did love him. But when my Angel came back, then I was complete.

I’ll never forgive Spike for the betrayal. Aligning himself with the Slayer, betraying my Angel and betraying me.

And now here I am. I’m miles from anywhere and I feel as if I’ve been asleep for days. I know I’m weak, I know I haven’t fed for a long time. But the days are running into each other again - I’m in a desert and he’s not here to bring colour into my world. Do I really want to live at all without him by my side? He’s not even in this world any more, maybe he’s not in any world.

So maybe I’ll just lie here a while longer and watch the moon cast her light down on me. And this time, maybe, I’ll watch the sun rise.