Title: Sleep (3rd in CD series)
Author: Carol A. Clarke
Email: Carol.Clarke@mail.state.ky.us
Rating: PG-17 Language
Disclaimer: Buffy and Willow and the rest of the gang belong to Joss Wheldon and Mutant Enemy.
Breakdown belongs to Melissa Etheridge
Summary -Lyrics are involved that and tears. Continued from Change CD series
Warning: Major Depression Alert! May result in the use of behavioral Medication or chocolate.
Breakdown Melissa Etheridge

Xander had made the slayer feel better. Somehow sharing her secrets with him had lightened the load. But then that still left Willow. They had hardly spoken since there heart to heart talk. Buffy was to afraid she would push Willow forth away. So she had been quiet.

Willow on the other had was confused. The little witch had never been happier then she was with Tara but Buffy's reactions to it all had confused her. First, the slayer ran away. Hide for 3 days at her mothers house. Then she had shown up and tried to explain here reaction. Buffy claimed to be in love with the redhead. Visions of Xander danced in the witch's head. It was simple the one reaction that she had never expected from her long time friend. It confused her.

In the end, Willow had done the only thing she could do about the problem. She talked it over with Xander. Her childhood friend had been extremely supportive to her amazement. She had expected Buffy to except her and Xander to freak, It had in fact been the other way around.

Still it had been Xander's idea to speak with Buffy. Willow just assumed that she and Tara would swing the dorm to find Xander died or drunk. A drunk Xander was a fun sight but a drunk slayer was a terrifying sight. The memories of Cave-Slayer Buffy actually excited her in a very naughty naughty bad Willow way. Then memories of not Cave slayer but perky drunk slayer ran through the witches head and the terror returned. Buffy was Faith with attitude and blond hair when drunk.. Shivers went up Willow's spine.

Someone at the party put on Melissa Etheridge's Breakdown. Willow wonder if the Wiccian's knew what a shuffle button was used for.


how could I stay
how could I breathe
there had to be more for me


Willow listened to the sound while she sat on the coach holding Tara's hand.

"Wasn't Tara the answer to what she had searched for more? Life beyond Oz, beyond Xander, beyond Buffy."


promises gone
plastic and stone
I'm doing fine all alone


"But was she really doing fine on her own? She liked Tara? Would always be grateful to her. But did she love Tara? That was the 64 thousand dollar question. Willow had a quick flash of the day she had tried to explain to the slayer about the 1950's game show sandal and the 64 thousand dollar question. Willow laughed just thinking about all the slayer's bazaar questions.


I cannot run
I cannot hide
it came with me locked inside
the bough will break
cradle will fall
it only takes one call


"Locked inside" Yes, she loved the slayer. But Willow had loved the girl first. The blond sicken by Cordillia's insults. The new girl who asked for help catching up in school. The girl who promised to be "right back."


and I'm driving and crying
unrealed and flying
I'm coming to your breakdown tonight
(breakdown)


They had been there for each other. Willow had held the girl. The women, through the worst and best of her life. Through Angel, Through Faith, Through Parker, Through Riley She had been there. But Buffy had been there for her to, Helping her see the person inside. Holding her when Oz left. When Percy called her a geek. Willow could hardly remember a time when Buffy wasn't there for her. Hadn't saved her from herself or from the world. It was a lot to think about. Willow squeezed Tara's hand. Buffy had made it to Anderson Hall. She had been looking for Willow. She was speaking with high school witch boy Michael and his new girl friend when she spotted the redhead on the coach. Buffy stood there for a minute remembering how to breath. Trying to put words together that might make sense to her true love. Instead she listened to the music.


the rope that's wrapped around me
is cutting though my skin
and the doubts that have surrounded me
are finding their way in


Yep, doubts had not only found there way in, but had take up permanent residence. Love is impossible, just when you think you got it figured out, they loss their soul, go to hell, turn to the dark side, work for the big bad evil, develop intimacy problems, can't get enough, discover they are a genetic experiment and get hauled off by the military, or they fall in love with the someone else. Somebody not you.


so I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
have mercy on my soul
I will never let you know
where my mind has been


I had been so afraid of scaring her. I couldn't face life without her so I had hid my feeling inside and settled for friendship. At least she was still in my life. Fortune favors the brave. I should be called the cowardly slayer.


I'll come by and see you again
I'll be such a very good friend
if I whisper they will know
I'll just turn around and go
you will never know my sin
(angels will fall )


And now I will settle for friendship again. I can put that part of my life away. My love for her. Hide it. Why not, I hide the slayer thing from the world. The Bi thing. Hiding Love piece of cake. Please, I just don't want to loser her.


of the stranger in your room
you said you want to start making
new friends


I was so wrapped up in Riley I missed the signs. I was a stranger in our room, her life. No wonder she made new friends. I don't even know these people but they know Willow.


you want release
you must be stronger then me


I can't believe! I won't allow myself to believe! Not after everything we have been through. She wouldn't, couldn't walk away from us. From me. Why am I here. I should just leave her alone let her start over. Be safe. Loved.


if someone else can light your mystery
you must be stronger then me


I guess Tara lights her fire. She looks so happy holding her hand.


so it's too late
you could have told me when
living died and passion lied


I should just leave. Leave her alone. Let her live a slayer free life. But I am not that strong. I could not go on without her in my life. If Tara makes her happy fine, I will take whatever scraps she throws my way.


you must be stronger then me
(you must be stronger then me)
I've been here sleeping all these years


I wonder how long Buffy is just going to hide in the corner and stare at us. Song can make you think. I have been sleeping all these years pretending to be straight. Pretending to be everything Sheila and Ira Rosenburg wanted and I let my soul sleep.


there comes a time we all know
there's a place that we must go
into the soul into the heart
into the dark


No more meek Willow! Buffy wants me then she is going to have to prove it. I am way beyond the Xander years. She is going to have to look into the dark, into her soul, away from the vampires and death and find out what she wants. Who she wants. I have looked into my heart. My demons are staked and dust. Buffy is just going to have to make up her mind but I have to go on living mine.


there was fire there was death
there was lying on your breath
I turned away I would pretend
but the burning never ends


Wills spotted me. I should go over. But I want to hear the rest of this song. It's my life. Fire, Death, lying, pretending. But the burning never dies. I loved Angel down to the tips of my toes. I loved him when he was Angelus and I love him today. The burning never ends. But Willow, I have loved her all these years but unlike Angel I hid it.


I've been here sleeping all these years


Kept it sleeping. I love Willow Rosenburg and I will 'til some Vampire finally beats me. And I let that love sleep too long. She is the other part of my soul.


you were there you left your mark
as I stumbled in the dark
into the dark


They both left there mark. I can still see the mark on my neck Angel gave me when I cured him of the poison Faith shot through his chest. But Willow left a mark too. On the inside of my heart. In the center of my soul. I can't lose her.


we were all wounded in some
domestic war


I wonder what she is thinking? What battle the slayer is reliving. I know that look on Buffy's face. She is in full blame the slayer for everything wrong in the world mode. I should go talk to her, but I'm waiting until she comes to me. I have waited this long the next move is her..


and I gave you my soul
and every ounce of control
and I gave you my skin
and my original sin


When we were in science class I would think about giving Buffy my original sin. I had such naughty thoughts for a 15 year old. I did give her my heart during solid, liquids, gases lecture. Haven't gotten it back .... yet.


I love you past the point of dying
ain't that enough of me for you


Will has resolve face. She is waiting for me. I did love her beyond the point of dying. When I died the thing I came back for wasn't Xander or Angel. All I was thinking about was Willow. Who would protect Willow. It wasn't enough Will, I want to give you so much more. You are my life. Nothing would ever be enough my Willow. Face it Summers you got it bad.


and I gave you my soul
and every ounce of control
and I gave you my shame
and my eternal flame
(enough of me )


No, little witch I gave you my soul the first day I meet you. The minute you told Cordillia that I wasn't hanging out with you. And you took my heart when you told Giles that you didn't want to face the monsters of the world but you couldn't just sit by either you wanted to help.


I hear your questions
I see your face
your life before you
is full of grace


Funny how the phase "full of grace" makes me think of Buffy. She is full of grace. I have never seen anything quiet as beautiful.


it's all I know


Buffy is all I want to know.


but I have come this far
with a truth of the heart


And I am holding Tara's hand. I like the girl. But I love Buffy. I am going to make a big mistake either way. Does anyone ever win with love?


I do believe that people are good
they just want hope and respect
and to be understood


Willow, I have never met anyone with such a good heart, soul. So kind. As the slayer I have to keep telling myself that people are basically good they are just misunderstood. Johanath, I have dreams about him. The voices in my head. The loneliness of the world. How terribly alone we all are. If I think too hard it becomes me with the shot gun to my head in those dreams.


sometimes it's hard sometimes it's strange
but the truth of the heart is people change


I've changed. I know I have changed for the better. So has Buffy but is the slayer ready for this kind of change. Demons are easy, stake through the heart, shower and then you file your nails. That's what Buffy says anyway. But is the slayer ready for thought process change. Am I ?


yes there is danger and there are shadows
and there is fear inside the dark
it has powered countries and borne religion
fear can never rule the heart


Ok, So great chosen one, what the hell are you doing here. Willow sees you. Ascending Dragon size Mayors you can handle. A red headed witch that's Fear. And isn't this all about fear and rejection


all souls have traveled along this road
each one has carried their own heavy load
(truth of the heart)


I shouldn't be so hard on Buffy. It's not an easy road she travels. I can see why this would be hard for her. What the hell am I going to tell Tara.


they said just have a ball
just be a barbie doll
they churned and burned me out
until they turned me out
over and over again


Barbie Buffy. That was me. I was mommies little Barbie doll. Cheerleader Barbie. Bob's girlfriend Barbie. Ice Skater Barbie. Slayer Barbie. No can't have that. Slayer Barbie. Can't have Dyke Barbie. Face it I am strange.


mama I'm strange
the thoughts and the wants are the locks
on the back my brain
I'm going insane
and they want me to change
mama I'm strange


Willow is just waiting for me across the room. And I just discovered I'm strange. Watcher's counsel would love this. Bisexual Slayer. Yep Tweed guys would wig. I am wigging. Going insane. I have to break the locks on my brain. I may be strange mama but at least I know who I am. Or who I want to be anyway. I wait to be the slayer in love with the witch. I want to be strange.


I have no evidence
I have no reverence
it makes no difference
I have no innocence
(mama I'm strange )


My innocence died when I was 15 and staked my first vamp. I killed Willows innocence the day I met her and staked a vamp in front of her. Enough Summers. Talk to her. Make with the Friends.


of narrow minds who legislate
thinly veiled intolerance
bigotry and hate


As Buffy began to walk across the room she heard the crowd talking around the words of the song.

"Yeah, can you believe Tara is dating Willow. "

"Picture that action. First lets read the text book Tara then we will have cyber sex via computer."


for love they crucified you


Buffy debated whether to kick there asses across the room or just snap their necks. And this was who she protected the world for. Died for.


I can't forget hard as I try


"Yeah Rosenburg and that chick Tara. Guess they figured no guy wanted them, might as well do it together."


but they are knocking on our front door
they're rocking in our cradles
they're preaching in our churches
and eating at our tables


The one nice thing about being the slayer is people might talk about you behind your back but nobody with half a mind said this kind of thing in front of you. Buffy was going to find a way to pay them back. Nobody talked about her Willow like this. She might even bend the rules on hurting humans. Truth, She knew she wouldn't do anything to anyone, she was careful about her powers but it didn't stop her from fantasizing about it.


scarecrow crying
waiting to die wondering why
(scarecrow)


Buffy was almost to the coach. Almost to Willow. Her Willow. And she was wondering why it had taken her so long to reach the end of her journey. She couldn't remember when it started. It may have been in 8th grade English. Or the day she met Willow. Could have been the day she stuck her hand down Faith's leather pants or the moment she realized Willow might have wanted the same thing she did. They were all steps on the journey to this one moment. At the end, it didn't seem that important. They were just steps she had taken on the road to Willow


you say you don't feel like yourself
does that mean you're somebody else


"I was wondering if you were going to come over Buffy" "Yeah well, I was thinking."


how would I know
if you don't tell me so


"Want to share the subject matter?"

"You, me - What a stupid pig I've been. Those kinds of things."


you say you don't know what you're doing here
does that mean you might disappear
how would I know
(how would I know )


"Buffy I know your wiggin over this." Willow raised Tara's hand that resisted in her to demonstrate what she meant. "But Buffy it doesn't tell me what you are doing here?"


no one can disconnect
no one can resurrect
like my lover


"Straight to the point that's my Wills. Since you sent Xander to talk some sense into me. And no he didn't say you sent him. The three of us have been friends way too long It was an easy guess. But I digress, Xander made be realize how evil I have been lately. So first I want to say sorry, my major bad. And second, I want to say ah ah,"


the reason to exist


"Willow I can do it. Not without you. You are, were, have been, will be my reason to exist. Fine! your with Tara. If your happy I will learn to deal but don't leave me. Please if nothing else, be my friend. I need you."

Tears were falling from the slayer. She had dropped to her knees in front of Willow.


secretly inspires
strips me to desire


"Buffy, I am your friend. Sure we are in a bad place now but we will always be friends. The two of us will get through this ok."


no one can make me rise
like my lover
( my lover )


"It's not enough Will, When I came here I wanted you back however you would take me. But it's not enough. I love you and I don't care who knows it. I love You I have for such a long time. I hid it. Afraid that if you found out, you would leave me. Hate me. I hid it. Not from Angel He knew. He knew and almost killed you because of it.

I slept with Faith. Never told you. Told Angel but I was afraid you would hate me. I never wanted you to know. I was so a shamed. I was surrounded by people I loved. People who loved me but you and Angel couldn't love me that way.. Angel loves me. I will always love him. Sorry but it's true. I slept with Angel once and you know what happened. Then my other love. You, I almost got you killed. I couldn't touch you I couldn't handle the concept that you wouldn't be there to hold me, wipe away my tears. Love me. Will you did love me. I know it. But I was too afraid of being alone. Dying alone. Unloved. Can you understand what being unloved and a slayer means?"

"Then Faith came. With her it was just sex. We had so much in common. I could talk to her about the killing and death. The fears of never being good enough, not being able to save everyone. So Faith loved me. No that's wrong Faith fucked me. And I fucked her. Sex, it was only about sex. About feeling loved for just that one moment. Something to take the edge off all that death.

It doesn't matter Will, It doesn't really matter. Talking isn't going to change this. Dance with me.

Willow was shocked by the slayer, but her words were from her heart. Will had guessed about Faith but the words made it real. And she had loved Buffy. Been in love with Buffy.

Buffy held her hand out to Willow. The crowd had stopped there idea talk to watch the witch and slayer.

"Dance with me Willow." It was a statement. Not a command or a question. It was a statement.

Willow let go of Tara's hand and grabbed Buffy's.


I want to lay down on your shoulders
just inside your arm


Buffy brought Willow to the center of the room and pulled her in close.


I want to listen to your heart beat
and your breathing on and on


They began to slow dance arms wrapped around each other.


I want to lay down on your shoulders
surrender to the peace
and go to sleep
(sleep)