Title: Some Truths Refuse To Lie
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: Joss and co. own all things Buffy. No copyright infringement is intended, so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway.
Summary: Willow casts a spell that lets Buffy remember what happened during “Beer Bad”.
WARNING: This story contains mild depictions of nonconsensual sex. Readers’ discretion is advised.
(BtVS, B/X, angst, R)

Willow was sitting Indian style on her bed in her dorm room, an open book on her lap. She had a frown on her face as she leafed through the pages slowly. The only sound in the room, other than the turning of the old, cracked pages, was the squeaking of a metal wheel. Willow looked up at the cage in the corner of the room, and at the rat running on the wheel.

“Don’t get too excited, Amy,” she said. “I haven’t found anything yet.”

Amy climbed out of the wheel and leaned up against the side of the cage closest to Willow. Almost like she was waiting expectedly for Willow to find something in the old tome.

Willow just sighed and turned her attention back to the book. A moment later, the door opened and Buffy walked in. “Hey Wills,” she said, throwing her bag on her bed. “Whatcha doing?”

“I was helping Giles go through some boxes from the old library and I found this book about animal possession. I thought it might have something about animal transformation too, but no luck.” She glanced back at the cage holding the rat that was once their friend Amy. “I think I got her hopes up.”

“Don’t worry about it Willow, you’ll figure it out someday,” Buffy said.

“Yeah, in the meantime she’s sleeping on wood chips and eating rat kibble.” She sighed again. “She’s been a rat for almost a year now Buffy, and who knows how much she’ll miss by the time I figure out how to change her back. I just feel guilty, you know. I mean, if it had been me instead of her, she would have had me back to normal in no time. But with the spell she used, I just can’t find a way for anyone but the caster to reverse it. And that’s a little difficult considering that she can’t talk right now.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re not the one that turned her into a rat,” Buffy said, sitting down on her own bad and opening her book bag. “Besides, being a rat doesn’t sound so bad. You don’t have to worry about what to wear everyday, or midterms, or trying to schedule a social life around killing the undead.”

“Well, you should know Buff.”

That’s when Buffy remembered her own short time as a rodent. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” She looked to the cage in the corner, Amy was still propped up on the side, looking at them. “Sorry Aims.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Willow said, paging back through the book quickly. “I found something in here that you might be interested in.” She paused as she continued looking through the book. “Here it is. It’s a memory recovery spell, for post-possession.”

“I thought animal possession didn’t cause memory loss.”

“It depends on the form of possession, or the spell or ritual performed. But this spell is good for more than just animal possession. I was thinking that I could cast it on you so you could remember what happened while you were Cave Slayer a last year.”

“I don’t know, Wills. From what little I do remember and what you guys have told me, I’m not so sure I want to remember the rest.”

“Come on, Buffy, please. I haven’t had a chance to do a spell in forever.”

“Forever, Will?” Buffy asked skeptically.

Willow just rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on,” she moaned, looking back at the book.

Just then there was a knock at the door. Or five short knocks to be exact, in the melody of ‘Shave and a Haircut’. Willow reached over and knocked the last two notes on her dresser, not even taking her eyes off the book in her lap. Buffy smiled and shook her head. “Come in, Xander,” she called out. Willow was just anal that way, and Xander loved messing with her.

“Ladies,” Xander said as he entered. He grabbed Buffy’s desk chair and straddled it. “I just came by to see if you two were free for lunch.”

“Xander, you agree that I should keep practicing magic, right? I mean, it’s an asset to the slaying and all and I should keep my skills sharp, right? It’s like, I haven’t done a spell in a while and if I want to practice than my friends should let me, right? I mean…”

“Whoa, Wills, downshift, will ya? Back that up and try it again.”

“I want to do a spell on Buffy and she won’t let me.”

“Come on Willow, you don’t need me to practice magic on,” Buffy said.

“It’s not about that. It’s that you don’t trust me.”

“Of course I do, but I don’t think I should have to prove it like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not fair…”

“Kids, please. Don’t make me have to separate you two.” He paused. “Also there might be some spanking involved.” Buffy and Willow both threw him dirty looked. Xander smiled sheepishly. “Well, that got your attention. Now, Willow, what kind of spell is this anyway? Is it something you can do on me?”

“That’s nice of you, but no. It’s a memory restoration spell.”

Xander’s expression suddenly became much more somber. “Memory restoration spell? What memories are you trying to restore? Forget where you left your keys, Buff?”

Willow and Buffy shared a quick glance. Xander seemed much more tense all of a sudden. “No,” Buffy answered. “She wants to help me remember what happened when I was Cave Slayer.”

Xander’s expression shifted from tense to terrified. His knuckles were turning white where he was gripping the chair. “What? Um, no, I don’t think that’s such a good…what I mean is, why would you want to remember that? I mean, we both remember last Halloween, and that wasn’t any fun. Or, you know, the hyena thing. Not that I remember that, because I don’t, but I wouldn’t want to, you know.”

“Xander, are you okay?” Willow asked.

“Yeah, you’re babbling,” Buffy said. “And you’re sweating too. Did something happen while I was Cave Slayer that you don’t want me to remember?”

“NO! No, no, of course not. It’s nothing like that, I just…you know, I don’t think it’s a good idea, that’s all. It can be very disconcerting, like when the mas…I mean, Dracula had me under his control. It’s a strange memory, and it can haunt you. I just don’t think it’s worth it.” Xander wiped his hands on his pant legs, looking very scared under the scrutiny of his two best friends, who were now staring at him like he had grown a second head. He looked at his watch. “Well, look at the time. I should head back, I don’t want to be late.” He stood up and headed for the door.

“I thought you wanted to have lunch,” Willow said.

“Xander, wait,” Buffy said. She stood and caught his arm before he reached the door. Xander yanked his arm back violently and turned back around. His eyes were burning, and it was an expression that Buffy had seen many times before. It was pure, unadulterated fear. Xander was absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong, what is it?” she asked. Xander just shook his head and moved to leave again. Buffy touched his arm again and he stepped back, making a sound that sounded almost like a whimper.

“Nothing…nothing is wrong, Buffy. I just…I have to go, okay. I’ll see you guys later.” And with that he was out the door.

“Xander, wait!” Buffy shouted again down the hall. But Xander was at a full tilt run, and halfway down the stairs before she was even out of the doorway. Buffy turned and went back into the room.

“What the hell was that about?” Willow asked.

“I don’t know,” Buffy said. “But we’re going to find out. Get whatever you need for the spell, we’re doing it now.”

*

Xander ran as fast as his legs would carry him. He didn’t know why, it wasn’t like Buffy couldn’t catch him if she so wanted to. But the fear in him took over, the fight or flight instinct. Xander had never been real big on fight, but when it came to flight he was an expert. He flew out of the doors of Stevenson Hall and jumped over the railing on the side of the concrete steps, landing on the grass in a crouch. He stayed there for a few seconds, trying to catch his breath and keeping his eyes on the door to see if he was being chased after. He wasn’t.

Xander’s heart was pounding so hard that he thought it might burst out of his chest, and it wasn’t from his sprint out of the building. Xander had faced down vampires, demons, and the occasional apocalypse, but he had never been more scared than he was at this moment. If Buffy found out about what happened that night, she’d never be able to look him in the eye again, nor he her. Xander cast another glance at the door. She hadn’t followed him. That could only mean one thing. She was going to let Willow do the spell.

‘Damn it, Xander,’ he chastised himself. ‘If you would have just kept it together, she probably wouldn’t have done it and you would have been fine.’ But there was no use worrying about that now. The horse was already out of the barn, no reason to worry about shutting the door. There was only one thing to do now, and he had to do it quickly before Buffy found him. He stood and ran back to his car.

*

Willow and Buffy sat Indian style on the floor across from each other. The room was dark, except for the light from one candle, which sat between them. They both had their eyes closed, and their hands linked together.

“Just concentrate on that night, Buffy. Concentrate on the last moment you remember before the gap in your memory,” Willow said softly, her eyes still closed in concentration. “Once I start the spell, the memories will play from that moment. If you wish to go further ahead, or further back, just think it and it will happen. It’s very important that you stay focused. Are you ready?”

Buffy nodded.

Willow opened her eyes for a moment and took one of her hands away from Buffy. She picked up a pinch of some kind of powder that sat next to her and dropped it into the flame. The flame glowed blue for a moment, and Willow recited an incantation. She closed her eyes and took Buffy’s hand again, concentrating.

“God and Goddess, I beseech you, let this one remember.”

Buffy concentrated on the last thing she remembered, the second night at the bar. Sitting around a table, trading such barbs as “You stupid” and “Girl smell nice”. The she vaguely remembered Xander telling her to go home, and she headed back to her dorm. Then she doesn’t remember anything until she woke up the next morning.

As she concentrated she realized that the memories were playing more clearly, almost like a movie. She could see herself and Xander standing there, clear as day. He looked so concerned, almost scared. Buffy couldn’t blame him, it was decidedly out of character for her to get drunk like that. And at the time no one knew that the beer had been tampered with. She watched as Xander cut her off and told her to go home. She realized that she wasn’t just seeing what happened like a movie, she could also remember what she had been thinking. She was confused, obviously. She didn’t know what being cut off meant, but she trusted Xander. Xander was her friend, and he wouldn’t let her get hurt. ‘Xander good, me listen. Me go home.’ Good lord, she had been far-gone.

“God and Goddess, I beseech you, let this one remember.”

She watched as she walked back to the dorm without incident. She moved forward a little bit faster, watching as she wandered around her dorm room, looking at the most ordinary things with rapped fascination. Her thoughts were still preoccupied with Parker, and how he had hurt her. In her primitive state she didn’t quite understand the how or the why of it, it was as simple as ‘Parker hurt Buffy, Parker bad.’ But it still hurt. She watched as the Cave Slayer drew on the wall with her lipstick, simple stick figures representing her anger and pain. The images were crude, but powerful as she watched her former self’s angry strokes.

By the time Giles and Xander arrived, Cave Slayer had quite the mural going. Buffy thought about the next morning when she woke up, groggy but with her faculties in tact for the most part, just a rather large gap in her memory. When she saw the wall, all she saw were scribbles and stick figures, and one of her favorite lipsticks completely ruined. But looking at it now with the thoughts of her primitive self available to her, she saw the meaning behind every stroke. The quite rage mixed with hurt, the sadness in the Cave Slayer’s eyes as she wondered what she had done wrong. ‘Why Parker hurt Buffy, what Buffy do?’ She just wanted to gather her former self up into a hug and comfort her, tell her that it wasn’t her fault.

And when she looked into Xander’s concerned eyes and he and Giles stood over her, she saw the same thing. The need to comfort her, to protect her. And the anger towards Parker, for hurting her. The Cave Slayer’s observations had been much simpler. ‘Boy smell nice.’ Buffy smiled at that. Despite the slight embarrassment that she felt, it was still cute. And she could swear that she detected just the hint of a blush creep up Xander’s face. But at the mention of beer, the Cave Slayer’s thoughts turned once again. ‘Beer good, foamy. Beer make Buffy feel good. Buffy want to feel good.’ And with that, she was out the door.

“God and Goddess, I beseech you, let this one remember.”

She watched the fire, and the Cave Slayer pulling Willow and Parker out. She watched as Giles and Xander arrived, and as Xander locked the remaining Neanderthals in someone’s carelessly unlocked SUV. She watched as the fire department arrived, and as a crowd gathered to watch them put out the fire. And she took an amount of pleasure as she watched Parker apologize and Cave Slayer whack him with a big stick.

After that, Giles and Xander headed to their respective homes and Willow helped Buffy back to the dorm. When Willow saw the state the dorm was in, she just sighed and shook her head. She helped Buffy into her pajamas, then changed into her own before climbing into bed and falling asleep. But Buffy wasn’t tired. It was only about 1:30 AM, and for a Slayer that was downright early. It was the slayer instinct that allowed her to stay up as late as she did to fight evil and still get up at a reasonable time in the morning, and right now Buffy was all instinct. She thought about going out and killing vampires, but she didn’t really want to. She was still feeling a little down because of Parker. ‘Buffy sad.’ She could go hit him again, but that would just make her angrier, and another part of her slayer instincts was telling her not to hurt any humans. She could go get some more beer, but Xander had told her that the beer was bad. And that’s when a thought struck her primitive little mind. ‘Boy smell nice. Xander smell nice. Buffy go see Xander, Xander make Buffy feel good.’ And with that, she stood and walked out the door, heading for Xander’s house.

“Let this one remember.”

The Cave Slayer was smart enough to know that she didn’t want to wake Xander’s parents, so she tapped on the basement window that she knew to be close to his bed. After a minute or two, Xander opened the window and Buffy slid in.

‘Buffy, what’s up? Did the beer wear off?’

‘Boy smell nice.’

‘So that’s a no then,’ Xander said, looking concerned. Probably because she was still in her pajamas. ‘You should be at the dorm Buffy, sleeping this off. Giles said you should be right as rain in the morning.’

Cave Slayer scrunched her nose in confusion. ‘It not raining.’

Xander smiled. ‘No, what I mean is…isn’t Willow supposed to be taking care of you?’

‘Willow sleeping. Buffy not tired. Want Xander, Xander smell nice,’ she said, walking toward Xander.

‘Whoa, Buff. Back up there,’ he said nervously.

Buffy watched the memory carefully. Xander was clearly attracted to Buffy, standing there wearing a half shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He didn’t look half bad himself, she thought. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of shorts. Buffy realized that she hadn’t seen him without a shirt since the Speedo incident, and he had bulked up considerably since then. Construction work agreed with him. He was…well, hot. And from the expression on Cave Slayer’s face, she was having a similar thought.

‘You’re not well, Buff. You need to go to sleep so you can get better, understand?’

‘Buffy not tired!’ Cave Slayer insisted. She was becoming irritated. She kept walking toward Xander and Xander kept backing up. ‘Buffy want Xander. Xander not want Buffy?’ she said, sounding like she was going to cry.

‘No, Buffy, I do,’ Xander said, closing the distance between them and putting a hand on her arm. It was the tone of her voice Buffy realized as she watched, it threw him into comfort mode. He never could stand to see her cry. ‘It’s just…’

‘Good!’ Cave Slayer exclaimed, cutting her off. Her tone did a 180, going from sad to happy almost instantly. She gave Xander a little push and he fell back onto the bed. She had maneuvered him there. Buffy frowned. Seeing that even her primitive self had little trouble manipulating Xander disturbed her a bit. And from the look on Xander face, he was thinking something similar.

Cave Slayer crossed her arms in front of her and lifted her top off, exposing her breasts. Xander’s eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open.

‘Oh, god,’ Xander muttered. But after a second he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. ‘No, Buffy, please. Don’t do this.’

‘Buffy want Xander.’

‘Buffy might want Xander now, but in the morning things are going to be different and Buffy will kill Xander.’ But the Cave Slayer wasn’t listening. Xander tried to get up again but she pushed him down on the bed again. She took off her sweatpants and jumped on top of him. Xander grunted in pain. His eyes were clenched shut again and Buffy could see tears starting to leak out. ‘Please Buffy, don’t do this.’

“Let this one remember.”

‘No!’ Cave Slayer yelled. ‘Buffy remember. Xander tell Buffy that Xander like Buffy. Buffy know that Xander…love Buffy. Now Buffy love Xander too, and Buffy want Xander. Xander want Buffy too.’ Cave Slayer smiled as she reached down and ripped Xander’s shorts off. He grunted again. Cave Slayer looked down at his erect member and smiled. ‘See,’ she said.

Xander couldn’t help his body’s natural reactions, as much as he seemed to try. The tears were coming faster now, and Buffy knew that it wasn’t from the pain that the Cave Slayer was causing his physical body. Buffy knew what Xander’s biggest fear was, what his biggest weakness was. Xander couldn’t stand to cause pain to people that he loved. He tore him apart. It brought up all the self-loathing that nineteen years as an abused child had caused, and it doubled it. Buffy had been there for Xander in the aftermath of the fluke with Willow, when it seemed like everyone blamed him. Even Xander himself. She was the shoulder that he cried on as he realized all the pain he had ever caused Willow, his best friend in the whole world. He almost didn’t make it through that one, and if it hadn’t been for Buffy, he probably wouldn’t have. But to cause Buffy any kind of pain at all, she knew that Xander would rather die a thousand deaths.

Buffy could feel tears coming to her own eyes as she watched herself moving on top of Xander. His eyes squeezed tightly shut, tears covering his face.

‘Please, Buffy, stop. Not like this.’

“Remember.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. His soft, brown eyes. They were so full of pain, and sadness. So full of…love. ‘Not like this Buffy, not like this.’

“Remember.”

“No,” Buffy said aloud, tears in her voice.

“Remember.”

“No!” she screamed.

*

Willow’s eyes jerked open when Buffy screamed. Buffy jumped up so fast that she knocked over the candle. Willow picked it up, the hot wax burning her hand a little. She winced and blew it out, standing up and moving toward Buffy. She had her arms wrapped around herself and she was shaking her head, like she could force the memories to leave her head again.

“Buffy, what’s wrong? What happened?” Willow asked, putting her arm around Buffy. Buffy just kept crying, letting her head fall on Willow’s shoulder. “What did he do?”

“No!” Buffy said a little louder than she had meant, lifting her head up. “You don’t understand. It wasn’t him, it was me. I…I…” She just couldn’t bring herself to say it. The tears just kept coming as she sobbed harder.

“What Buffy? What did you do?”

Buffy wiped her eyes and tried to calm her breathing. She looked back up at Willow. “I raped him,” she said. “I raped Xander.”

Willow’s mouth fell open. “Oh my god.” Buffy started sobbing again. “Buffy, it wasn’t you, it was the Cave Slayer. It isn’t your fault, you were possessed.”

Buffy pulled away. Drying her eyes again, she managed to calm down somewhat. “No, Willow. I wasn’t possessed. It was me, the beer just brought out my more primitive instincts and shut out my intellect. But it was still me.” She paused. “It was still me,” she repeated quietly. “God, it all makes sense now!” she yelled.

“What do you mean?”

“I remember, after it happened. Xander changed. He broke up with Anya. He was just different. He stopped coming around unless it was about Scooby business. I thought he was just upset because he felt like we were leaving him behind. And slowly it started to get better, but…” she drifted off, bringing her hand up over her mouth.

“What?” Willow asked.

“He stopped asking me to dance, at the Bronze. He wouldn’t hug me on my birthday like he usually does. He wouldn’t touch me at all, and he shied away when I touched him, like he did earlier. Oh god, he probably hates me. He can barely stand to look at me.”

“That’s not true Buffy, Xander could never hate you. He…” Willow trailed off.

“He what?” Buffy asked. But she didn’t need Willow to answer. She saw it in her memories, in Xander’s eyes. “He loves me.”

He never stopped. But he knew that Buffy didn’t return his feelings, so he never said anything. The Cave Slayer had seen it. She saw his desire for her, his concern. His love. It was all over his face, Buffy just kept herself in denial. She didn’t see it because she didn’t want to see it. She couldn’t handle it, what it meant. She couldn’t bring herself to ask herself how she felt about him, because she was afraid of the answer. Because everyone she loved got hurt. It was inevitable. And she just couldn’t bear to see Xander get hurt. But in trying to spare him pain, she ended up causing the greatest pain he had ever faced. And yet he went on. He put on a happy face, and he never let on what had happened because he knew that she would never be able to face it if she knew. Never be able to face him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t stand to look at her, it was that he was so afraid that she wouldn’t be able to look at him. Or that she would look at him with hatred. He could never live with that. He could never live with himself knowing that he had caused her pain.

“Oh god, Willow, we have to find him. Now, before he does something stupid.”

“You don’t think…Xander wouldn’t…” Willow trailed off. At this point she had tears in her eyes too.

“You didn’t see him, Willow. What I did to him. You didn’t see his eyes. We have to find him, come on.” And with that, they both headed out the door as fast as they could.

*

Willow used the space key Xander had given her to let Buffy and herself inside Xander’s apartment. They walked in slowly and looked around. It looked the same as it had the last time they had seen it. Fairly well kempt, but decidedly Xander. His Babylon 5 plates hung on the wall. There was a stack of comic books on the coffee table. His videos were stacked haphazardly on top of the VCR, along with a few blank tapes that Buffy knew Xander used to tape Toonami while he was at work each day. Not many people knew, but Xander was a closet Sailor Moon fan.

“Xander!” Buffy called out. But there was no response. Buffy and Willow shared a tense look. Neither knew what they were going to find, and they were both scared.

They walked further into the living room and Willow spotted something on Xander’s coffee table that she recognized. It was a plain spiral bound notebook with a red cover, and the words ‘DON’T TOUCH’ written on the front with white out in what looked like a child’s scrawl. And below that were the initials ‘ALH’.

“Wow, I haven’t seen this since we were kids,” Willow said, walking over too the coffee table. “I didn’t know he still kept it.”

“What is it?” Buffy asked.

“His journal. He started keeping it when he was a kid, at my suggestion. I thought he could use something to vent, and writing always helped me, so I bought him the notebook and gave it to him. We must have been ten years old. I can’t believe he still has it.” When she got closer, she noticed that next to the notebook there was a small stack of envelopes. The one on the top said ‘Willow’ on it. “Buffy, take a look at this.”

Buffy walked over to where Willow was standing and looked down at the envelopes. Willow picked hers up and the one below it said ‘Giles’. She picked that one up and the one below that said ‘Dawn’. That was it. “Oh, god,” Buffy said.

“Calm down Buffy, it doesn’t mean anything,” Willow said, trying to reassure her.

“Where’s mine?” Buffy asked.

Willow looked around until she spotted part of an envelope coming out of the bottom of Xander’s journal with the letter ‘Bu’ visible. “Here,” she said, flipping the notebook open and taking the envelope out. She handed it to Buffy.

“I’m scared, Willow,” she said.

“So am I. But Xander wouldn’t kill himself Buffy, he just wouldn’t. He would consider it cowardly. It’s just not his way.”

Buffy tore open her envelope and pulled the letter out that lay within. She unfolded it and began to read.

Dearest Buffy,

If you are reading this, then you’ve learned the truth about what happened on the night you were Cave Slayer. This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write, but I just wanted you to know how profoundly sorry I am. I tried Buffy, honest to god I tried to get you to go back to the dorm. I didn’t want what happened to happen, you have to know that. It’s true that I love you, and that I have loved you since the moment I saw you. But I know that you don’t return my feelings, so I’ve never made it an issue. And it is true, that I’ve thought about you in a sexual way from time to time, even fantasized about what it would be like to be with you. But I never, NEVER, wanted to take advantage of you. I never wanted to make you do something that you didn’t want to do. I am so sorry that I wasn’t able to stop the Cave Slayer that night. I just hope you can forgive me.

By this time you’ve probably also realized that there was a time after this happened that I avoided you, and that sometimes I’ve been uncomfortable touching you. I want you to know that this doesn’t mean that I blame you for what the Cave Slayer did. It was not your fault. It wasn’t you that night, and I know that. But I had to work though that in the beginning, and even now when you touch me, I can’t help but remember. I’m sorry, I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable.

I’ve taken steps to insure that there won’t be an awkward moment between us because of this. I honestly don’t know how you feel right now, but I just can’t take the chance that you hate me. I couldn’t bear to see that in your eyes, it would truly kill me. So I packed a few things, and I left. I don’t know where I’m going yet, or when I’ll come back. Or even if I’ll come back. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. Now you know I’d never leave you if you needed me, but you’ve got Willow and Giles, and Dawn and Tara, so you’re covered. I’m sorry I hurt you Buffy. I never wanted this to happen. Not like this. I love you.

With love, forever and always,

Xander Harris

P.S. I’ve left you my journal, so that you’ll know.

Tears were falling on the letter even before Buffy was finished reading it. All he cared about was her, how she felt. She had hurt him so much, and all her cared about was her. He was the most unselfish person Buffy had ever known. Kind, compassionate, caring, loving. Funny, loyal, brave, intelligent. And now he was gone. She had lost him, and she never got a chance to tell him. To tell him how much she loved him.

Buffy heard a choked sob and looked over to see Willow reading her letter. She was just finishing it. She clutched it to her chest and cried. “Oh, Xander,” she mumbled aloud. Buffy sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug. And together they cried. They cried because they didn’t know what they had had until they lost it, and now it was too late.

*

Years past. Evil came and went, but mostly things didn’t change all that much. Buffy fought and won, the world kept spinning. Friends came and went. Some never left, and some she still waited for to come back. Xander’s postscript in his letter didn’t make sense to her at first. ‘I’ve left you my journal, so that you’ll know.’ Know what? What could the journal tell her that Xander himself couldn’t. But she did as he asked, she read it. She started on the page where her letter had been, March 10, 1997. The day he met her.

She read about everything that had happened to them through Xander’s eyes. Every close call with a vampire, every apocalypse averted, every life saved. She read about Cordelia, how she was the first girl to make him feel like a man, even if she made him feel like dirt at the same time. How he could always trust her to be brutally honest, how he felt when she told off Harmony and kept dating him no matter what the Cordettes thought. How Cordelia was really much deeper, and much more of a beautiful person then she really led on. And about how he loved her, but she just wasn’t the one. She read about Willow. How she was the best friend anyone could ever have, how she helped him through his childhood. How she cared about him more than he ever thought anyone could, how she let him stay at her house when he needed to, no questions asked. How she was his voice of reason, his better half throughout childhood and beyond. And about how he loved her, but she just wasn’t the one. She read about Anya. How she believed in Xander when no one else did, and loved him at a time when he really needed to be loved. How she was really a wonderful person when you got to know her. How wild she had been sexually, and how she had left him because he had become so unresponsive to her, after the Cave Slayer incident. And about how he loved her, but she just wasn’t the one. It would be fair to say that mostly, Buffy read about herself. With every incident he recounted, every feeling he discussed, she was there. She was in his every thought, his every emotion. His love for her encompassed his life, and the things he wrote about her were so beautiful they would make a poet weep with envy. Even when Buffy realized that Xander loved her, even when he told her, she hadn’t understood. He could have told a hundred times, but she never would have understood it completely, how powerful his love was.

She read about the aftermath of the Cave Slayer incident, as it came to be called. How scared he was, that she would remember, that she would hate him. But even with all the pain she had caused him, his love never wavered. His thoughts were still filled with love and concern for her. She was all he cared about, she was his entire life. It was something that was unfathomable to her, that one person could love another person so much.

When she first read these things, she cried. She mourned for the opportunity she had lost when she lost him, just as she realized how she felt. But the more she read, she began to feel the corners of her lips curling upward. She realized what Xander had meant when he said she would know. He would come back to her. He would always come back to her, no matter what. She would always be number one in his heart, and he could never leave her. Not really.

Every night, after patrol, Buffy sits on the roof outside her bedroom window and watches the sunrise. She watches as the new day comes, because each new day brings hope. And because one day, she knows that it will bring her love back to her. So she waits, with a spiral bound notebook in her lap, and love in her heart. Because she knew. And all she has to do is make him know too.

The End