Title: The Query Series
Author: NyxMne Chaosis
Email: magmyr@umailme.com
Distribution: SFA
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 in parts for character death)
Setting: Post-Lover's Walk (Season 3)/Pre-Harsh Light of Day (Season 4)
Summary: After his drunken fiasco in "Lover's Walk", Spike returns to Brazil to woo back Dru.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.

Quid Pro Query


Tapping a stack of envelopes against the palm of his open hand, it was finally Giles's turn at the post office counter. Ever since Willow's disappearance he had begun serious correspondence to contacts in England and various places in Europe, hoping that someone might have heard of a strange, young girl with red hair mysteriously appearing somewhere.

"I'd like these posted to England, these to France, and these to Greece, all first class," he said to the clerk. The clerk nodded and proceeded to process the letters.

Around him, only a half dozen people milled about the post office, most of them were staff. At the counter, were two delivery men processing paperwork for their daily run. Both of the men were of average height and build, both wearing brown uniforms. One had frizzy brown hair, and the other one was bald.

"Watch the game last night?" the bald man asked his partner.

"Do pigs fly?" his partner replied.

Giles frowned with concern, and upon hearing the two men laugh, realized the comment was not meant to be taken literally. Removing his glasses, Giles wiped them and silently cursed the Hellmouth for making the figurative literal in this part of the world.

"So, do you think we'll get to deliver some crates today?" the bald man asked his partner.

"Is it the end of the month?" his partner replied.

"What do you think?" the bald man smiled.

The man with the frizzy brown hair turned and pointed to his back, and said, "Is there a sign on my back that says I want to make some extra cash?" They laughed again.

Finding the conversation between the two men perplexing, Giles turned toward them again just in time to catch the name on the tag of the man with the brown hair. It was Ted. As Ted turned, Giles read the name on the tag of the bald man: Bob.

"Don't you think it's strange the way that blonde guy gets us to open the storm doors for him?" Bob asked.

"At a hundred dollars a pop, do I look like I care?" Ted replied, grinning.

"Still, do you think he gets any sun? I mean, why does he have all the windows boarded up?" Bob wondered.

"Do you know the expression, 'To each his own'?" Ted said.

Giles's heart skipped a beat. Someone who avoids sun and lives in a house that is boarded up. The description was vague but perfectly described the way a vampire lives its undead existence, and he only knew one vampire that was a 'blond guy'.

"That'll be twelve eighty," the clerk said.

Giles quickly paid her and nervously approached the two delivery men. "E-excuse me," he said, "I couldn't help overhear your conversation."

The two men stared at him blankly and said nothing.

"I think I may know this gentleman to whom you are delivering crates," Giles said.

Still, the two men didn't respond. Growing increasingly nervous, Giles felt a cold sweat break out on his upper lip.

"D-do you mind if, if I-I ask you a few questions?" Giles finally asked.

"Am I, like, walking away?" Ted finally replied.

"Ah, no. You aren't walking away," Giles said frowning, realizing that Ted's question was indeed a negative reply. "I was wondering, if you c-could tell me where you are delivering these crates?"

"Do we look like bored housewives?" Ted responded sarcastically.

"Yeah, like, do we look like we want to lose our jobs?" Bob echoed.

"O-of course not," Giles responded. "I-It's just this gentleman you spoke of is an... an old friend, and I'd like to pay him a visit."

Neither one responded.

"W-would it be possible to at least give me the general area he lives in," Giles began, "than I could look him up in a phonebook?"

"Do you think it would hurt?" Bob asked his partner.

"Don't you remember what we promised?" Ted whispered harshly to Bob.

Bob snarled his lip at Ted. "Do you think my memory's a sieve?"

"Is the sky blue?" Ted quipped. Turning his attention to Giles, he asked, "Who wants to know?"

"I-I do," Giles stated.

Ted and Bob stared at Giles for a moment before exchanging their own perplexed looks. Suddenly catching on, Giles realized there discourse only consisted of questions, so he reconsidered his last statement.

"I-I mean, what do you care?"

"Whose to say this guy," Bob nodded toward Giles, "heard the info from us?" Bob asked his partner with a devious look.

Narrowing his eyes, Ted eyed Giles up and down. "How much is it worth to you?"

Quickly Giles reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and offered Ted twenty dollars.

Ted sneered at the offer but took the money. "What about my partner?"

Giles pulled out another twenty and handed it to Bob.

"Do you know the road past Breaker's Hill?" Bob asked.

"Is the Queen of England a woman?" Giles replied, finding himself getting caught up in this quid pro query style of discourse and shrugging off the connotation the question implied about the Queen's gender. He was sure good old Betty would find it funny.

The delivery men laughed at his reply.

"And you're sure this guy is like a peroxide blond, wear's black leather, speaks with a British accent?" Giles continued.

"Is there an owl in 'hootenanny'? Ted replied.

Giles had to consider the last reply. There was dancing and singing at a hootenanny, and decided that Ted was making reference to the onomatopoeia in the first syllable of the word. It was an affirmative response.

"How do I know you're not lying?" Giles asked.

"Do you see are noses growing?" Bob replied, as he glanced down at his watch. Turning to his partner, he tugged at the Ted's sleeve. "Ready to go?"

"Like a cat in a litter box," Ted replied. Ted froze as Bob stared at him with horror. "I mean, uh, do I look like, um...I stuck my finger in a light socket?"

Bob laughed, slapped him playfully on the arm, and together they left the postal office to begin their daily run of deliveries.

Sighing, Giles considered the implications of Spike being in town, or rather, on the outskirts of town. He had no doubt it was the notorious vampire. Giles couldn't help wondering if he was plotting something, or merely hiding. Most importantly, how long had he been there? Giles quickly made his way home and called Buffy to warn her.

"Are you saying Spike's back in town?" Buffy asked over the phone.

"Does a Slayer kill vampires?" Giles replied.