Title: Trying Not To Die
Author: Abadubee
Email: abadubee@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Oz belongs to the WB and Fox, not to me. Same with Willow.
Feedback: Please!
Author's Notes: I wrote this before New Moon Rising, and hence knew nothing about what Oz had actually been doing when he was gone.

Oz sat on his bed, staring at nothing. He had been doing this a lot lately. Ever since he left. Ever since Veruca, and that horrible, horrible week. Ever since he had last seen Willow. He shook his head, trying to discharge any thoughts of her. He couldn't think of her. Because he knew, that if he thought about her too much, he would go back, and he couldn't let that happen. Because he could do nothing but hurt Willow now, and more then anything, Willow deserved to be happy.

He looked around his tiny, squalid apartement, trying to find something to distract him. It looked a little better now, since he had gotten his stuff sent to him. Not quite so bare. But there was nothing, nothing that could take his mind off of her; off her face, her smile, her touch, her taste... He nearly sobbed aloud, and threw himself down on the bed face first.

Suddenly Willow was beside him, touching him, holding him. Her hands were running all over his body, and her mouth was kissing away all his tears. "It's alright Oz..." She said. "I still love you... I'll always love you... even though you killed me... Even though you put out the fire inside me, Oz..." He looked up in shock. Willow was over him, smiling, a sweet, dead smile. Her eyes were dull, lusterless. Her skin was pale, and when he touched her, it blistered beneath his hand. "No..." he said. "No... Willow!" And suddenly she wasn't Willow, she was Veruca, and Veruca was touching him, kissing him, fiercly and violently. "It's alright," she said. "I am not weak like that girl... You can never hurt me. I'll always be here. I'm never going away Oz! Do you understand? You can kill me a thousand times over, and I'll always be right here, inside you! Like you were inside me Oz... Do you remember?" And she was laughing, a horrible, sickening laugh, that made him scream, and scream...

Oz bolted straight up in bed, still screaming. He looked wildly around his room. It was empty. A dream. It had been a dream. He fell back on his bed.

His neighbor was knocking on his door. "Are you alright, man?" he said. "I heard screaming." Oz took a deep breath, smoothing his hair back. from his face. He noticed his forhead was damp with sweat. "Yeah," he finally answered. "Yeah, I'm fine." "Okay," the guy answered, sounding a little doubtful. The neighbor paused for a minute by the door, hearing the tension in Oz's voice. He shook his head. "That is one weird guy," he mumbled, going back to his room.

Oz put his head in his hands. He hated that dream. Lately, he had been having it almost every time he fell asleep. It made him dread the night time, and now he was so exausted he couldn't ever escape sleeping, even if he just laid his head down for a moment. He was sure he was going insane. Willow withdrawl. It was killing him, very slowly, but he could feel it.

He got up, and went over to his desk, opening the top drawer. There it was, his picture of the two of them. He picked it up gently, cradling it, almost like a child. He stroked her face, almost disconcerted when he felt hard glass instead of the soft, warm feel of her skin. As he stood there, staring at her, he could feel his self control slipping. He hardly noticed as his body went around his apartement, packing up the most important things. He had picked up the keys to his van and was almost out the door before he realised what he was doing. Instead of screaming at himself, getting angry or doing any of the things that passed through his mind, Oz just put down his bag, dropped his keys back into the dish, and calmly went and put back the picture in drawer. He remembered now why he had put it there in the first place. Because the part of him that was still sane knew he couldn't go back. Not until he was whole. Not until he coudn't feel Veruca all around him anymore.

With deadly calm Oz sat back down on his bed. Staring at nothing. Trying not to die.

The End