Title: Unforgiveable Sinner
Author: Wildecate
Email: Wildecate@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss and not to me ya de ya de ya....and the song belongs to Lene Marlin from her album "Playing My Game"
Summary: Angel is in full on brood mode and nearly takes a fatal step when he is rescued by an unlikely saviour.

Unforgivable Sinner

Kinda lose your sense of time - ‘Cause the days don’t matter no more
All the feelings that you hide - Gonna tear you up inside
You hope she knows you tried
Follows you around all day - And you end up soaking wet
Cause between this world and eternity
There is a face you hope to see
You know where you’ve sent her - Cause you know where you are
You’re trying to ease off - But you know you won’t get far
And now that she’s up there - Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words - Sings like an angel
Unforgivable sinner

Angel turned and threw another punch at the punchbag. He was stripped to the waist and was sweating hard. He had been at this for nearly all afternoon now - punching and thumping and beating desperately trying to wear out his muscles, to exhaust himself so that he might sleep deeply and dreamlessly. He took another swipe at the bag and ducked quickly as it swung back erratically. Definitely dreamlessly. He couldn’t bear another day of dreams and seeing her face, her dark eyes, the terror in them. Out of everything he had ever done, this act of murder lay on his conscience more heavily than anything he had ever done. Since his resurrection from Hell, he had taken care to stay out of everyone’s way, Buffy came to visit him occasionally but other than that, everyone kept their distance. And rightly so, he thought, why should they accept him back into their midst again, why should they trust him again? He had murdered one of them, Willow’s mentor, Giles’ partner, Buffy’s friend. He had started again, trying to make amends all over again but some things you couldn’t apologise for and some things you couldn’t take back.

The sweat ran down his forehead and into his eyes and he paused for a minute to wipe it away. This was all getting too much for him and he knew that if he didn’t do something soon he would slip back into insanity and there might be no Whistler to save him this time. Of course he could try to end it all, go into the sun. He had tried that before but for some strange reason the sun had not risen and instead it had snowed. He and Buffy had walked through the streets together and it had almost felt for a while that nothing had changed and everything was how it was before he had turned. He was perfectly aware of how evil he had been and how much they had all suffered. The kind of mental torture that he could exact was permanently damaging, Drusilla was testament to that fact.

Drusilla, yes. Someone else who lay heavily on his conscience. He allowed himself to remember her dark eyes looking at him through the carved partition in the church, confessing to him, thinking he was her priest. It had started then, her downward spiral into madness. Occasionally there were hints of lucidity but otherwise she was off playing with the fairies most of the time. She came across as sweet, naive, unfocused - but she was more evil than anyone he had ever met in his years as a human and as a vampire.


You’ve been walking around in tears - No answers are there to get
You won’t ever be the same - Someone cries and you’re to blame

Struggling with a fight inside - Sorrow you’ll defeat
The picture you see, it won’t disappear
Nor unpleasant dreams or her voice you hear


So that’s two people’s lives ruined, not to mention all the heartache that had caused other people. He remembered watching Buffy’s house, peeking in through the window when she got the call. He remembered her sliding to the floor, the tears and then the anger that she couldn’t protect her. She and Willow had sat next to each other for most of that night just staring into space, hands linked for comfort.

Which made two more people that he had hurt, Willow and Buffy. He had tried to kill Willow. It had been the first thing he had tried to do when he turned - he had known that her death would shock Buffy to the core, would completely knock her. Willow would never trust him again but, he didn’t blame her.

And then there was Giles. Probably best not to go there. Probably best not to go there with Buffy either. If he carried on like this, he might as well open his curtains and end it all.

In fact.......


You know where you’ve sent her - Cause you know where you are
You’re trying to ease off - But you know you won’t get far
And now that she’s up there - Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words - Sings like an angel
Unforgivable sinner


Angel didn’t know how long he had been standing there, his hands resting on the soft velvet material of the curtains. He could feel the heat from the sun through them and it had been so long since he had been warm. He took a deep breath and he took hold of the curtains.

"No!"

He jumped as a girl’s voice echoed through the mansion. He turned. And the last person he would ever expect to be there stood framed in the doorway.

Willow


Maybe one last time is lost - But now you’re found
Stand up right before you hit the ground
Maybe one last time is lost - But now you’re found
Stand up right before you hit the ground


He hadn’t seen her for a long time - a really long time. She was taller, indefinably older. There was a faint mark across her forehead, from a fight, he guessed. And there was a very angry look on her face, green eyes glowing with fury.

"Don’t you dare" she cried running forward and giving him her best shot. His head snapped to the side - her best shot had been a lot harder than he had thought.

"What gives you the right to give up like this? You were brought back to be punished and you’re backing out? You coward!" she screamed.

He staggered back under the force of her attack. She was a tiny thing really - small framed, almost nothing to her - but her anger increased her strength ten fold and he was so taken aback by her reaction that he couldn’t fight back.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" she said as soon as she had got him away from the safety of the window

"Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"I.....I"

"That’s not an answer" she yelled.

Being yelled at by Willow was a new experience for him and he was genuinely shocked and couldn’t speak.

"You’ve given another chance to make things right and you’re about to open the curtains and evaporate yourself into nothing?" Willow calmed herself and spoke quietly.

"I’ve had enough" Angel whispered

"Fine, you’ve had enough - we’ve all had enough. But we can’t all do a Buffy and skip town when things get bad, when you send the man you love to hell, we can’t all open the curtains and disappear into thing air - the rest of us, who aren’t superheros have to live with our actions and get on with it."

"Willow you don’t understand"

"Don’t I?" she snapped "I’ll never understand how dreadful it was for you - or how wonderful it was for you to be released into Angelus. I do understand what it’s like to live with the consequences of your actions."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don’t you get it? I restored your soul - the minute before she sent you to Hell. I don’t know what screwed her up more - having to send you to Hell, or knowing you were Angel again before she did it."

"You did it?"

Willow rolled her eyes "How slow are you? She was prepared to kill Angelus - but not Angel."

"She did kill Angelus" he said quietly sinking to the ground.

"I thought about you every day. A vampire with a soul in Hell. Maybe if I’d been quicker or later I wouldn’t have had you on my conscience for the last six months." Willow knelt down in front of him and took his hands.

"You have to understand Angel, that’s who you are now. Angel. Not Angelus because if you were I’d have come better prepared."

Angel looked at the red head kneeling in front of him and she smiled hopefully. She wasn’t wearing a cross around her neck, she wasn’t carrying a bag, she wasn’t protected at all.

He reached out cautiously and touched her cheek and she didn’t flinch. Instead she moved forward a little and wrapped her arms around him. He rested his head on her shoulder and could hear her heartbeat thudding through her body.

"You’re frightened" he said softly

"I’m frightened that you’re going to do something silly." Willow stroked his hair. "Angel, you have to deal with this and move on. You’re immortal and you can’t ignore this."

Angel sat back, resting his back on the wall and Willow saw the tears sliding down his face.

"I can’t make it better Willow - I don’t know what to do or what to say - even Buffy is scared of me"

Willow smiled again and stretched out her hand, wiping the tears of his face.

"I’m not scared of you" she said "And I still have nightmares about your hand round my throat".

She lifted his hand up and touched his fingers to her throat, he could feel her pulse fluttering beneath them.

"I’m not frightened of you Angel - because it’s Angel who is doing it, not Angelus."

Willow stood and held her hand out to him and he slowly stood up.

"You’re going to deal with this, and then you’re coming to ours tonight. We have a problem and we need your help. If you’re going to start atoning, you can start tonight."

Willow gave him another hug and as he was bent down to rest his head on hers, she lifted her face and brushed warm lips across his cold cheek.

"Don’t do anything silly - I’ll see you tonight"

He watched her go, not looking back, her hair suddenly bright in the sunlight as she walked out the door.

He went to his bedroom and laid down on the bed and slipped into sleep. Dreamless sleep.


You know where you’ve sent her - Cause you know where you are
You’re trying to ease off - But you know you won’t get far
And now that she’s up there - Sings like an angel
But you can’t hear those words - Sings like an angel
Unforgiveable sinner