Title: Upsetting The Average VI/VI (NC-17)
Author's: Evil Hands of Akasha and Seabreeze
Email: AngelsChilde@aol.com and LornesGirl@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17 for graphic sex and some violence in the UTA series R for Chapter One
Pairing: Mainly Aus/C, but also some Aus/B in the UTA series
Spoilers: ATS up to Double or Nothing, BTVS up to Gone.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to ME and 20th Century Fox. No profit has been made.
Feedback: Yes, please, we crave for it!!!!!
Summary: Alternative ending of Double or Nothing in a slightly altered universe. Angel lost his soul in a card game. Cordelia didn't have the heart to obey Angel's advice and stake him. Crossover.

Special Note: Chapter Six is dedicated to Tara McClay, the wonderful witch with the big heart in the right place. She will be missed and never forgotten.


Chapter Six

Angel had been rendered unconscious by the flow of the energy, but Buffy could tell it had worked. She was the only one of the three who had ever been present when Angel was resouled, and she had never forgotten that moment so many years ago.

She let go of his limp body and attacked Jenoff who had started screaming at the sound of his jewel being destroyed.

They hadn't really had the time to discuss Jenoff's destiny, but Buffy had determined a while ago that he was definitely one of the bad guys, and while they had needed him up until now, he had now served his purpose.

She quickly overwhelmed him, his power considerably lessened by the loss of his necklace, took his head between her hands and twisted, until she heard the sickening snap of his spine. Tara had just come out of her spell-casting trance, and she gasped in shock when she saw Buffy drop Jenoff's lifeless body to the floor.

"Is…is he…dead?" She stuttered.

"Can't be sure." Buffy admitted. "But it'll hold for now. Until we can take care of him properly." She added.

"More importantly," Cordelia spoke up "Did it work? Is it over?" she tried hard not to let her stress, fear and pain be noticeable in her voice.

"That, we can be quite sure of." Buffy confirmed.

She took a quick glance around the room to gather her thoughts. Both Cordelia and Tara didn't seem to be in the idea-gathering mood, so it was again left to her.

"Tara, why don't you tie Angel loose while Cordy and I take Jenoff downstairs to the…um…Cordy, do you have a fireplace or something?"

Cordelia looked up from Angel's body to meet Buffy's eyes.

"What? Oh, you need fire?" When Buffy affirmed, she thought a moment. "There's an incinerator in the basement. It should do…"

"Are you going to…" Tara gestured at Jenoff "Him?"

Buffy sighed.

"It's the only sure way I know how to kill demons. Well, present company excluded" She nodded at Angel. Then, to Cordelia "The incinerator will be perfect. Lend me a hand?"

She picked the demon up by his shoulders and waited for Cordy to take his legs.

"Buffy, are you sure it's safe to untie him?" Tara asked, still unconvinced.

"Trust me." Buffy assured her "I have some experience in that matter. You'll be fine!"

She was suddenly anxious to get it all over with and go home.

Up until now, she had known exactly what to do, but now, Angel would wake up soon, and she would have to face him. What was she going to say? About what he had done, about what **she** had done, and said?

It was better to get moving. She had assigned each girl's task on purpose though: She didn't want Cordelia to be the first thing he saw when he woke up, resouled.

She could only guess at what had happened between the two, but knowing Angelus, it would be something Angel would be ashamed of. And being immortal, he had a long time to wallow in the guilt; a few minutes to come to didn't make a difference.

Tara moved around the bed, unlocking the restraints. She carefully put each of his freed limbs back on the mattress before moving on to the next cuff.

Between the two of them, Buffy and Cordelia got a pretty good hold of Jenoff. They maneuvered him across the bedroom floor and onto the hallway, where they stopped to catch a breath.

Buffy checked quickly if Tara was all right by herself and they started toward the staircase, leaving the witch by herself with Angel.

Making the head of the stairs the next logical stop, they didn't have to confer long before they opted for a quick push, rather than carrying the heavy body over the stairs, risking injury in the process.

Buffy's kick carried Jenoff's body all the way down the staircase where he landed with a soft thud, but no indication or sound of life.

They slowly followed him down the stairs.

"Cordelia…" Buffy began.

"Oh, is this the part where you tell me how to handle Angel? I was afraid of that." Cordelia interrupted her.

"No", Buffy stated "This is the part where I suggest I talk to him first when he wakes up, to try some damage control. If that's OK with you?" She glanced at the brunette.

Cordelia shrugged.

"Sure. It's not like I'm exactly looking forward to have 'the talk' with him or anything. I mean, I know I have to, **we** have to, talk, I mean, but…"

She trailed off, looking back upstairs.

"I know." Buffy said softly and put a reassuring hand on Cordelia's forearm.

"So you don't mind if I talk to him first?"

Cordelia sighed.

"No. Be my guest. Let's just take care of Mr. Ugly here first."

They had reached the hallway and gathered up their load again, half dragging, half carrying him towards the basement entrance. Buffy was reminded of how they had carried Angelus in a very similar fashion not long ago, she figured he was a pretty lucky vampire to have friends like them, unlike Jenoff.

Tara had finished untying Angel, who was still unconscious.

She got a blanket out of the closet and covered his naked body with it, not sure whether she was trying to protect his decency or her sense of shame.

When she turned him a little to give his head a more comfortable position, he grunted.

Tara quickly pulled the blanket all the way over his shoulders and turned away from the bed.

She busied herself with picking up all remainders of the spell, putting them back on the tray.

Torn between guarding the vampire to make sure he was all right and not wanting to be alone with him, she hesitated a moment.

When she caught movement out of the corner of her eye, she decided to get Buffy.

But she hadn't quite reached the door when his voice stopped her.

"Who are you?" he asked, his voice filled with pain.

Tara took a deep breath and faced him.

"My name is Tara, Angel" she said unsurely, and forced a smile to her lips before she could look up to meet his eyes.

"I, I'm a friend of Buffy's from Sunnydale…" She didn't know what else to say as his sad brown eyes regarded her quietly.

"I can get Buffy if you want me to, she's just downstairs and I can get her." She babbled while fidgeting with her hands.

"Are you…OK?" She asked him softly, still standing closer to the door than to the bed.

Angel just sighed.

He had turned around to lie on his back, and slowly, his memory came back.

He looked around the room at the chaos and when he saw the chains attached to the bedposts, the events of the past couple of hours hit him.

"Oh God! Cordy!!!" he moaned and closed his eyes.

Tara took that as her cue and left him alone. She didn't know him and much less what to say to him. He didn't utter another sound while she left and closed the door behind her.

Cordy and Buffy had managed to drag the seemingly dead demon all the way to the basement, where he currently lay in front of the incinerator they were trying to get started.

Buffy had produced a lighter from her pocket, cursing herself under her breath for still holding on to Spike's possessions, but they had been unable to start a fire when Tara found them.

"Do you need some help?" Tara greeted them from the room's entrance because she didn't want to startle them.

Buffy spun around.

"Is he all right?" She asked Tara.

The witch was unable to look Buffy in the eyes as she stuttered:

"He, he, woke up but I, I didn't…I didn't stay. I was…"

"It's OK." Buffy assured her. "Can you help us start a fire here? I'm not too familiar with all things household." She tried a funny to ease the tension.

This was Tara's element.

"Oh sure, I know a spell. You may want to take a few steps back though, in case sparks jump out."

Buffy and Cordelia did as they were told and within minutes, Tara's spell had produced a blazing fire in the old burner.

Together, they lifted Jenoff's body up and managed to fit him through the opening, closing the door behind him.

They sighed in unison.

"I don't know about you girls, but I need a drink!" Cordelia summed up when she found her voice.

"I would actually like some tea." Tara admitted.

"Well, let's go to the kitchen and see what we can come up with. I'm afraid tea won't be enough for **my** nerves, but I know we have some."

Buffy was aware that Cordelia was chatting nervously, so she just tuned her out.

She wasn't quite sure how to address Angel, but she knew she had to do it now, before she had any more time to think about it.

"I'll go check on Angel and join you in a bit." She informed the two as they made their way back up into the lobby.

Cordelia looked at her knowingly and nodded. Upstairs, she grabbed the bottle of tequila that had helped her earlier off the counter and led Tara into the kitchen, glancing over her shoulder at Buffy.

"Go ahead. We'll be fine here."

But Buffy hadn't listened. Her mind was already with Angel while she was still in the lobby, slowly turning towards the staircase. With a sigh, she ascended, leaving Cordelia's voice further behind.

"I'm so sorry."

Cordelia wasn't sure she heard right, Tara had spoken so softly.

"Huh?"

She was placing the kettle filled with water on the stove and turned around to face Tara who repeated:

"Cordelia, I am so sorry. I feel like this is all my fault."

"What are you talking about?" Cordy asked perplexed.

"I, I feel responsible for what happened because I was the one telling you about finding out the truth, how he felt and all…" Her hand made an all-encompassing movement.

"Oh." Was all Cordelia could respond as she realized what Tara was saying.

She rushed to the witch's side and put an arm around her shoulder.

"No, no, it's not your fault!" She led Tara over to the chairs where she gently pushed her into one.

"Look, I'd rather you hadn't brought it up, but since it's out there…" She took a deep breath.

"Yes, you and I talked about it, but you only spoke out loud what I was thinking. **I** was the one who confronted him, **I** wanted brutal honesty." She shrugged. "Turns out it was more brutal than I had anticipated, but that's my responsibility, not yours."

She quickly continued when she saw Tara was about to protest.

"At least I know where I'm at with Angel. Granted, the price for knowledge was too high. Not just for me though. I may get over it, but this is going to eat at Angel till Kingdom come…"

She trailed off at the thought of the torment Angelus' actions would unleash upon Angel's conscience.

"He's never going to forgive himself for this. As if Connor's abduction and Wesley's betrayal weren't damage enough, this has made everything worse…" She was speaking solely to herself now, but Tara had heard.

Every one of Cordelia's words hurt her like daggers, she was still blaming herself.

The sound of the kettle's whistle pulled Cordy back from her thoughts. She left Tara's side to prepare the tea. While it was steaming, she informed the room rather than Tara:

"He's not going to forget what happened any more than I ever will. Our relationship is doomed before I could ever find out what it could have been."

'Forget' sparked an idea in Tara. It was painful to remember her recent past and the way Willow had used magic on her to forget their fight, but in this instance, she thought magic was a way to help the victims, the way it was meant to be used.

"D-do you think Angel would want to forget what happened? Do **you**?" She asked Cordy uncertainly.

Cordelia looked up at her.

"Yes. But Angel isn't the forgetting type when it comes to…bad stuff. He remembers what he did as Angelus like 200 years ago as if it happened yesterday." She put her finger to her temple, emphasizing her point "Like a steel trap!"

She sighed as she poured tea for Tara and a shot of tequila for her, then brought both over to the table and sat down.

"There's something I could do for you both, if you'd let me help. I mean, if…if you're sure Angel would want to forget, too."

"Phhh." Cordelia exclaimed before adding sarcastically "I don't think he'd want to forget if you asked him. He loves that kind of self-torture as much as the next masochist!"

She downed her drink in one big gulp, wiping her mouth with her hand. Tara frowned, but she had made a decision.

"There's a spell. It can be performed without his permission, all it takes is something of his."

Cordelia didn't quite understand. She gestured towards the kitchen "Well, it's his house, you can have your pick."

"No," Tara tried to clarify "It would have to be something that has meaning to him."

Cordelia thought for a moment, when she realized what Tara had meant.

"How about these?" She pointed at her diamond stud earrings "Angel gave me these for my birthday this year…"

Tara nodded enthusiastically "They're perfect!!"

She got up to retrieve her purse from the kitchen corner. Like any Wicca, she always kept some spell ingredients with her. She returned to the table, but instead of sitting down, she crouched next to Cordelia and took both the brunette's hands in hers.

"This is serious stuff. The spell will make you both forget, but…but there's a catch."

'Oh Dear' Cordelia moaned inwardly 'Always have to have one of those. Whatever happened to free gifts?' But she didn't say anything, just focused her attention back to Tara.

"You'll be the one casting the spell, but you won't remember why you cast it." She hesitated a moment before she continued.

"You will remember casting the spell though. If you turned to me for answers, I wouldn't be able to help you, because if I told you the truth, the spell would be voided. In an instant, you **both** would remember everything."

She squeezed Cordelia's hands to make her point.

"So you may forever wonder why you cast the spell without ever finding the answer, while Angel will be better off, not remembering anything."

Cordy bit her lower lip trying to decide. It wasn't too long ago that she had faced a similar decision. That time, she had risked it all to help Angel.

"Take your time weighing the ups and downs." Tara suggested. "I'll prepare everything and in the end, it's entirely up to you. Even if you want to wait until we're gone."

With that, she took her seat again and sipped her tea. Cordelia nodded to signal she had understood, but her mind was too occupied to reply.

Did she really want to forget everything? There were **some** things she'd like to remember.

Surely not the pain and the humiliation, but the sensation of his lips on hers, his caresses, everything she had imagined so many times, only to find out it was so much better in reality.

But would she be able to distinguish between pleasure and pain? Wouldn't one good memory trigger a bad one? The things he had said, the disgust in his demon eyes…

Buffy closed the door to Angel's bedroom behind herself quietly, leaving Angel alone.

Angel had been worse off than she had expected. When he had finally let her talk to him, she had to use all her persuasion power to make him see that what she had said about Spike had been cruelly exaggerated to hurt Angelus. She knew that Angel believed her, but she also knew that her being with Spike had not been the source of his misery.

Remembering the naked Cordelia, bound and gagged on his bed, him naked and sweaty, she suspected what had happened between them as the real cause. She suddenly felt very upset. Hadn't Cordelia told her Angel's soul had already been in a bad condition, even before it got sucked out of him, because of his son and Wesley's betrayal? How could she have done something so stupid, making everything just worse?

As she slowly descended the stairs and walked through the lobby, she decided to confront Cordelia after all, no longer interested in sparing her friend's feelings.

Cordelia was deeply lost in her thoughts when Buffy walked into the kitchen. The Slayer's accusing looks was the last thing she needed right now. But Buffy had to get something off her chest. With her fists on her hips, she confronted Cordelia.

"He's pretty shook up." She began slowly. "I don't know what happened, and I don't have to know or even **want** to know." She sighed. "I just wish you would have shown better judgment before you did whatever you did."

Cordelia jumped up. Buffy's words had hit her sore spot, but she was not going to let the Slayer go judge and jury on her.

"What **I** did?" She shrieked before Buffy interrupted her.

"Angel will have to live with what you made him do."

That was more than Cordelia could take.

"Don't you get all high and mighty with me, Buffy!" She warned. "It's not too long ago we all had to clean up the mess **you** had gotten us into with your lack of good judgment, with what **you** made him do!"

Buffy knew Cordelia had a point, as much as she herself had, but she wasn't going to admit that.

"Don't you even try to compare us!" She hissed dangerously.

She took a step towards Cordelia when Tara stopped her.

"Don't do this. Both of you. This isn't going to help any of us." Tara soothed.

Buffy shook off Tara's her hand on her shoulder and huffed, but then turned around and stomped out of the room.

Cordelia's hands were trembling, she didn't know if she was going to scream or cry at the next moment.

Tara gave her some time to calm down, focusing her attention on the spell.

When Cordelia finally sighed and let herself slump back into the chair, Tara cleared her throat.

She was holding a black swan's feather in her hand, closed her eyes and started chanting.

"For Cordelia and Angel this will be charred, let Lethe's Feather do its chore. Purge their minds from memories grim, from pains of recent slights and sins."

The feather seemed to vibrate in her palm as she continued:

"When the fire goes out. When the feather is dust. The spell will be cast. Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa."

Cordelia watched amazed as the feather glowed for a moment. Tara opened her eyes and smiled at Cordelia.

"All you need to do is focus on a moment, a moment from which on you wish to forget everything. Then set this" she handed Cordelia the black feather, "on fire.

Once is burnt, the spell is cast. If you don't burn it, nothing will happen."

Cordelia wasn't quite sure if she understood correctly, so Tara just repeated the instructions again.

"If you change you mind, throw it away, nothing will happen." She finished.

"What if I don't focus on a moment?" Cordelia was nervous.

"Then it will simply wipe out the last 24 hours." Tara explained. "Like I said, it's all up to you. You choose to perform the spell or not and you choose the amount of time that will be forgotten."

She got up and squeezed Cordelia's shoulder.

"I think I better go now, I imagine Buffy is waiting for me. Good luck!"

Cordelia watched her leave until she remembered something.

"Tara!" she stopped the witch, walked over to her and hugged her quickly.

"Thank you." She whispered. "Thank you for coming, thank you for…everything."

Tara hugged her back.

"You're welcome." She said simply.

Cordy pulled back to look her in the eye.

"Do me a favor? Thank Buffy for me when she has calmed down some?" She smiled crookedly "I'm not sure she'd want to hear it from me right now."

Tara nodded understandingly.

"I'll take care of it." She promised before she left Cordelia to find Buffy so the two of them could go home.

Cordelia was once again alone, facing a big decision.

She flung her arms around her for comfort. Instinctively, she wanted to ask Angel for help, realizing this was something he couldn't help her with. She was on her own.

She went over what she meant to tell him as she slowly ascended the stairs. She even stopped to practice her speech on a column, but it didn't help.

In a way, this was harder than confronting Angelus before. He was Angel again, her friend, her savior in more occasions than she wanted to remember.

What the demon had done to her was inexcusable, yet she couldn't fight the feeling that she had enabled him, so she wasn't completely innocent. And maybe the pain he had caused her was the demon expressing his love?

Her left hand was clutching the feather Tara had given her, a box of matches was in her pocket.

She was trying to make up her mind whether to use the spell or not, and this time, she wanted her friend's advice on the decision, after all, there was a chance she was going to violate his mind. She figured it wouldn't matter anyway, if he was all for it, she'd cast the spell and he'd forget, if he was against it, she wouldn't burn the feather and they'd work things out.

She took a deep breath and was about to open his bedroom door, when she heard a strange noise from inside.

It took her a while to recognize the noise for what it was because she had never heard it come out of this room or from this source before: Angel was crying.

He was sobbing loudly, hiccupping up words she couldn't make out. She had a clear picture of him, maybe cowering in a corner, wrecked by his sobs.

She had never heard a sadder sound, she sunk down on the floor with her hand on the door, tears in her eyes.

Finally, she pulled herself together and slowly opened the door. Whatever she had to discuss with him could wait, right now, she wanted to comfort him.

But when she had opened the door only a crack, she could see him sitting on the edge of the bed and all her strength left her.

He was bent over, his hands holding his head between his knees, and he was sobbing loudly, though she still couldn't make out the word he was uttering between sobs.

No apology in the world could have had more impact on her, she forgave him right there and then.

She closed the door with hardly a sound and took the matches out of her pocket.

She wanted it to be over. Whatever it took to make Angel feel better, was what she was going to do.

She was about to strike the match when she remembered what Tara had told her: She had to recall a moment from which on all memory would be wiped out.

It took her a moment to clear her latest impression from her mind, broken Angel was certainly not what she wanted to remember. It had to be a happy thought, she decided.

Going over the past few hours, sorting through the moments, she knew she didn't want to remember feeling dirty and humiliated, dragging a demon downstairs or fighting with Buffy.

But she did want to remember his lips on hers, his tongue caressing her mouth, his first touch. If, because of that course, she'd never feel him like that again, she wanted to remember.

Her hands trembled as she struck the match, her inner eye showing her pictures of Angel's passionate eyes. But then again, she thought, it would be better for both of them if they could just forget everything, especially what she had done to him when he was all chained up and at her **mercy**. She could almost feel his taste in her mouth again, remembered his moans accompanying her actions. Yes, they needed to forget that too if they wanted to get back to normal again. 'Friends don't do stuff like that to each other', she mumbled as she tried to concentrate on the moment before she started to cut his pants into pieces. She lit up the match, and held it to the feather, but the moment it went up in flames she could feel his cool passionate lips on her mouth, giving her the very first kiss.

It only burnt for a few moments, and when the flame died, Cordelia fainted.

She woke up leaning against Angel's bedroom door. She remembered lighting the feather to cast a forgetting spell, but she didn't recall what she had meant to forget.

"Must have worked then." She thought out loud. She felt vaguely like a hangover and remembered drinking earlier.

'Were they having a party? Oh no, that wasn't it. Angelus. That's what had made her drink. And Buffy. Was here.'

She listened for a moment, but she didn't hear any voices. What else had changed?

She opened the door to find Angel lying on the bed. Unchained. Had she imagined everything, had it been a dream? But no, there were the chains dangling from all four bedposts.

When Angel moaned, she rushed to his side.

"Angel?" She asked hesitantly.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. At that moment, she knew he was Angel, not Angelus, she could read all the familiar compassion in his eyes. She sighed.

"Cordy? What…what happened?" He asked as confused as she was, sitting up.

"I'm not sure." She replied truthfully. "But I think you might want to…" She couldn't quite finish, but waved a hand in the direction her eyes didn't dare going and he understood.

"I'm naked!" he exclaimed as he grabbed the sheet he was sitting on.

Cordelia turned around to pick up dirty towels and pieces of his leather pants from the floor to give him some privacy. He got up with the sheet wrapped around him like a toga.

"I can't say I remember what happened or why I'm waking up naked in the middle of the day…"

He started, but then the fog of confusion lifted when he remembered. She turned to look at him.

"Nice look," She complimented, more to break the uncomfortable silence than to pay him a sarcastic compliment.

He adjusted the sheet but didn't reply, seemingly interested in the pattern of the carpet.

"Did you…did we…you and me, I mean… when I had lost my soul?"

He wasn't sure if that part was memory or a fragment of a reoccurring dream.

A short laugh escaped Cordelia when she heard him stutter like Farmer Ted in '16 Candles'. With that analogy, she realized what he was trying to say and she blushed.

"I think so." She confirmed slowly. "But it doesn't matter." She rushed to elaborate. "I was drunk and completely stressed out, your were Angelus, in short we weren't ourselves."

She sat down on the bed and he joined her. They were sitting silently next to each other for a while, none of them able to say anything. Eventually, Cordelia sighed.

"Angel?" She asked shyly.

He just looked at her expectantly.

"How…I mean…what was it like to be Angelus? All the things you said? Did you..." She hesitated. Taking a deep breath she continued. "Did you mean what you said about Connor?"

He looked as if she had slapped him.

"God, no!" he exclaimed.

"Then what made you say it?"

What she really wanted to ask was if he had meant everything he had said about her, but she was hoping to get some kind of answer through bringing up the person she thought was most dear to him, his son, who he had talked so disrespectfully about. He took her hand in his.

"Honestly, I don't know. I wish I could tell you it was the demon, not me, but the demon is always a part of me. I love Connor. And I love you. I would never hurt either of you. Its just…I don't know…" He trailed off, his head sinking to his chest.

"I don't know." He repeated.

She could sense his pain and knew this was not the time to get any answers out of him.

"I'm going to let you get cleaned up and dressed." She said, getting up. "Why don't you come downstairs when you're good and ready and I'll make some tea?"

He gave her a grateful look and nodded.

Before he had entered the bathroom, Cordelia had already left the bedroom and headed downstairs. She was confident that, with time, they'd be able to work through this. And she would do whatever was in her power to help him. She was on the last step when it hit her.

Had Angel said he loved her??

There was no way she could have misunderstood him.

Had he meant he loved her like a sister or…loved her like she secretly wanted him to? 'This has to stop, Angel and I can never be more than friends…' she tried to convince herself.

She knew she had told him she was going to give him time, but this was something she had to have clarified right away.

The noise of the front door slam shut snapped her out of her train of thoughts the 'I Love You' had put her in.

She looked up, and for a split second, she saw Angel standing in the doorway.

"Princess." He said.

Groo said.

Groo?

**That** 'Angel'. He was back!

She was in his arms in a flash, hugging him tightly.

"You're back!" She squealed. And she knew just what to do with this version of her Angel, if she couldn't have the real thing…


The End

"At least I won't be upsetting the average around here. Nobody in this office is ever gonna get any." Cordelia Chase, Couplet.