Title: When Angels Cry
Author: Rina Stewart
Email: rina@love-productions.com
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: Willow/Xander, character death
Disclaimer: Willow, Xander, Giles, Buffy, Oz, Angel and Cordy belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Carrie belongs to me.
Distribution: Want it? Take it! I would like a note about where it is, though.
Feedback: YES! Please. I'd really appreciate it.
Spoilers: None. This branches off after Grad 2.
Summary: Willow, now 25, has cancer.
Song Credits: "When Angels Cry" is performed by Janis Ian, and can be found on her CD, Revenge. For GH fans, this was Robin and Stone's song.
"Kiss Me" is performed by Sixpence None the Richer, and can be found on their self-titled CD.
I Will Remember You is performed by Sarah McLachlan and can be found on the Brothers McMullen soundtrack.
Author's Notes: I wrote and posted this about a year ago. I was never completely satisfied with it, but I just couldn't do any more with it at the time. Frankly, it depressed me too much. LOL But now I'm back, and so is this story. It's been edited, parts rewritten, and the conclusion that I always envisioned will be ready in a few weeks. : )

May 11, 2006

Dear Diary,

I'm worried about Xander. Sure, he wants to be positive and optimistic about my survival. I understand that. But I think it's gone a little farther than that. I don't think that he can even contemplate the fact that I might not make it. He doesn’t even really talk about cancer with me. I try all the time to get him to talk to me about how scared I am, how scared he is, but he can't. He leaves the room, he changes the subject, he goes to get Carrie. This diary is great, but I need to talk to someone! A person, who can respond to me, and tell me that it's okay to be scared. I need Xander to do that for me, and he can't. It's a weird feeling to not be able to count on him for something, anything, and I don’t like it.

May 29, 2006

Dear Diary,

Once again, Giles to the rescue. He came over for a visit this morning, and I just lost it. All the frustration and anger and helplessness that has been building for months finally just came out. He sent Carrie to play with one of her friends next door, and just held me while I cried and screamed out my rage. And when I was done, he didn't condemn me, or tell me I shouldn't feel so negative, he just told me that he understood. And he does. He knows how I feel helpless as the cancer slowly kills my body, just as he felt helpless when the vampire killed Buffy. All these bad things are happening, and we're powerless to stop it. He told me how he's felt these past months, and we cried together. It was nice feeling so close to someone again, but the whole time, I wished it was Xander. Xander hugging me, Xander crying with me, Xander telling me that he'll always be there for me when I need it. I don't understand why Xander just can't be there for me. If Giles can, why can't he? He's my soulmate, my other half, the one who has always understood me in every way. Why can't he understand this?

June 13, 2006

Dear Diary,

I haven't really talked to Xander in weeks. I don't mean we're silent with each other. No, we talk, but I'd almost rather the silence. Everything we talk about is just inconsequential: what nice weather we're having, Carrie and Giles are so good for each other, what a cute drawing Carrie made. The radiation treatment hurts so bad. I come home from the hospital, and I'm just dead tired and sick for at least two days. Giles usually takes Carrie to her friend Maddie's house, and he'll take care of me all day. He listens to me complain, he comforts me, he lets me cry, and he just generally does everything I used to be able to count on Xander for. We've gotten so much closer in the past week, it's just amazing. I thought I knew him before, but I learn something new about him everyday.

Today, we took Carrie to the zoo, and she just loved it. "Uncle" Giles bought Carrie absolutely everything she wanted, but what's new there? : ) She adored the petting zoo, but her favorite place was the house of birds. She loved the hands on experiences of creating her own bird, and following a path to simulate flying like a bird. The creation of the bird was so cool-she used a computer to choose different aspects of birds, from color, to feathers, to sex, and finally a species name (for which she chose Care-bear!). I'm just hoping Giles doesn't give in and actually buy her a bird! It could go either way, though, and her birthday is next week. She has him wrapped around her little finger, and we all know it.

It was a great day, but it should have been Xander instead of Giles.

June 21, 2006

Dear Diary,

Today was Carrie's birthday. I can't believe she's four already! She's getting so big. Because of our zoo visit last week, we had a bird themed party. It was small, of course. Her best friend Maddie, two of her friends from morning summer camp, Giles, Xander, and myself. I planned it all out so carefully, pretty much threw myself into it completely, because this could be the last birthday I get to spend with her. I know, I know, it sounds morbid, but it's something I have to consider. Because if I do die soon, I need to make all the wonderful memories I can. I want her to remember me, and how much I loved her. I'm trying to stay on the line between showing my love and outright spoiling her, but I don't think I'm doing such a good job at it. Let's put it this way-Giles now half owns a bird with her. : ) It lives at his house, of course.

The party started at two, and lasted about an hour and a half. They are only four, much longer and we would have gone insane. I've been trying to rest a lot so I could be as close to my former self as possible. It worked, up to a point. Xander seemed really concerned about how often I had to sit down, but wouldn't say anything. Or maybe couldn't say anything, since it's because of the cancer. I don't think Carrie noticed it much. The moms who came to pick up their kids did, though. Not Jan, Maddie's mom, but the others kept looking at me, and directed their comments and conversations to Xander only. Hello, people! I'm not dead yet, you know. But the important thing is that Xander and I gave Carrie a great party and a wonderful day, and she had a blast. In all of this, she is what matters most. Not Xander's inability to face reality, not the ignorant old biddies who picked up their kids today. Carrie matters, and the fact that she had a happy birthday is what counts in the long run.

July 2, 2006

Dear Diary,

The radiation didn't work. I saw the doctor today, and it didn't work. Not at all. The only other recourse, according to Dr. McFarland, is a bone-marrow transplant, and that doesn't have very good odds. So, I made my decision. No more. I'm going to die. That's the constant. The variable is how I do it, and I'm not going to spend my last few weeks or months in the hospital or in so much pain, I would wish I was already dead. I'm going out in style, Willow style, and on my own terms. I told Giles, and he said that he would support me. Now's the hard part. How do I tell my husband and daughter that I'm choosing to not fight to stay with them?


End part three




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