Title: You Always Hurt The One You Love
Author: Crazy_Girl_Mary
Email: crazy_girl_mary@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: They’re all Joss’ and probably some other people but hey I’m a rebel so I play if I want damn it!
Summary: Angel dies, but Buffy isn’t ready to lose him yet. There’s only one way to stop his death, to go back in the past and kill his murderer, but that also means encountering her worst enemy, the devil who wears her lover’s face and his three companions Darla, Spike, and Drusilla at the height of their madness.
Pairings: No real pairings in this one, just friendships, but you could call it a B/A aftermath or a B/Aus infatuation.
Spoilers: Buffy has come back from heaven, and Angel has Conner, but he’s not grown up yet.
Rating: NC-17 (Just to be safe) there are a few strong sexual exchanges as in banter
Author’s Comments: I finally have a website! Isn’t that exciting! I know I’m excited and I’ll be even more excited if you email me with your challenges and reviews.

Angel awoke with a start and with the sensation that it was nearly dark. He had been sleeping later and later these days. He pulled on a pair of pants and ran to the bathroom to jump in the shower. Once out of the shower, he dressed quickly and bounded down the stairs.

“Good morning, sleepy-head,” Cordy said. She had baby Conner in her arms, and lightly waved his little arm at Angel. “Say good morning, Daddy. Daddy, say Daddy.”

Angel smiled at this and took his child from Cordelia’s arms. “Any news on Holtz?”

“What? Like where the hell he went? Nothing.” Gunn spat quickly from his spot on the couch.

“Hey!” Angel scolded, “Not around the child, please.”

Gunn smiled, and teased, “Sorry Daddy.”

Angel grabbed a bottle of formula from the refrigerator next to his pigs’ blood. He carried Conner to the microwave where he put the bottle in for the perfect amount of time. He stood there smiling at Conner, and when the timer rang he pulled out the bottle and sat on a chair to feed him. Just then Lorne appeared at the top of the steps. He sauntered down. “Heard you singing in the shower, big guy.” Grinning at Angel, he added, “Don’t quit your night job.”

Angel glanced around; Fred, Wesley, Gunn, and Cordelia were all looking extremely depressed. “What? What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Wesley said, “But don’t you think we should be getting out of here?”

“No,” Angel said, “Holtz said that he would come to me, and until he does I’m not going anywhere. You should know by now I’m definitely not the type to run from anything”.

“Maybe that’s not such a good thing Angel”, Cordelia pointed out, “You have a child you have to take care of now, maybe you should be able to recognize that there’s a time for being high and mighty and there’s a time for admitting you can’t handle the situation you’re in”.

“I can handle it”, Angel said angrily, “Holtz couldn’t kill me a hundred years ago. What makes you think he can kill me now? Especially since I have a child. I have something more to fight for then hopes and dreams.” Angel disappeared into his office and shut the door.

Soon after feeding Conner, Angel put him to sleep and prepared to go hunting with Gunn. Gunn insisted that the least they could do was get out of the hotel and not be sitting there waiting for something to happen for the enemy to come to them. So they gathered their weapons and headed out the front door, leaving Cordelia, Wesley, Lorne, and Fred to watch over Conner.

Gunn and Angel got into Angel’s black convertible and headed towards the Wolfram & Hart building. They pulled into the parking lot for some quality stakeout time, watching for any sign of Holtz. They suspected that the law firm had something to do with his strange reappearance, and since it was the only suspicion they had, they decided to go with it. Besides, when wasn’t Wolfram & Hart involved when someone wanted to kill Angel?

After about three hours of waiting they saw Lilah Morgan packing it up for the night and heading home in her private limousine. “I guess we can go home too,” Angel said with disappointment. He would’ve liked to harass Lilah but since his last assault she had beefed up security and the car held two guards probably well trained to fight all sorts of people, and demons. He just wasn’t in the mood and he wanted to get home to Conner.

Gunn directed the car towards the hotel while Angel sat anxiously in the passenger seat, constantly looking over his shoulder. When they reached the hotel they pulled the convertible into the garage and entered the hotel through the garage door. They were walking down the hall to the lobby when Angel suddenly put his arm out to stop Gunn and held a finger to his lips to silence him.

Gunn and Angel could hear voices in the lobby, and Angel could hear his son crying. He clenched his teeth and focused on the voice. “Such a beautiful baby. Who would think this was the offspring of the most ferocious beasts that ever walked the earth?”

“Holtz,” Angel whispered abruptly to Gunn. He slowly peered around the corner and saw Holtz holding a knife to his precious little baby’s throat. Gunn grabbed Angel’s arm reflexively, stopping him from going into the room unarmed. “Think first,” Gunn whispered back, handing Angel a crossbow.

“Right,” Angel said, trying to stay calm. “You go around to the front door, I’ll shoot Holtz, and then you run in and catch Conner. You think you can do that?”

“Definitely.” Gunn smiled reassuringly and patted Angel on the back then disappeared out the door they came in.

Angel began listening to the conversation in the lobby again, praying that his friends would stall Holtz long enough for Gunn to be positioned out front. “Listen,” Cordelia pleaded, “We realize that Angelus must have hurt you, but he’s good now, he’s trying to make amends for what he did to you and your family and everyone else.” Holtz was staring blankly at her and her pleading seemed to have no influence. Holtz’s voice was passionate; “He will never make amends for what he did to my family. He will only lose his and then die.” With that he lifted a crossbow with his other hand and pulled the trigger. That same moment, Angel slammed around the corner, aimed his crossbow, and pulled the trigger. The stake from Angel’s crossbow struck Holtz in the chest and he flew backwards, sliding on the marble floor, his crossbow still clutched in his fist. Gunn burst through the front doors, skipping the steps, and sliding on the hard floor as if he were a baseball player trying to steal second base. He got his hands between Conner’s flailing body and the marble floor just in time.

Wesley and Fred were on their knees next to Cordelia, an arrow jutting from her shoulder. Holtz had missed her heart by a few inches. Gunn stood up and looked towards Angel.

Angel was standing motionless, an arrow protruding from his dead heart. “He’s okay?” Angel muttered weakly looking at Conner before his body disintegrated into a pile of ash, a small silver ring landing in the middle. Gunn was the only one that saw it happen.

Conner began crying in Gunn’s arms as if he knew what had happened and Gunn looked with uncertainty back to Cordelia, Wesley, and Fred. A small, single tear ran down his cheek and disappeared. “He’s gone,” Gunn mumbled, pulling the baby closer. Wesley and Fred looked on in shock. Cordelia had gone unconscious on the floor. Gunn approached Holtz. “It’s done,” Holtz said, and then his eyes rolled back in his head. “No!” Gunn screamed frantically, using his free hand to bang on Holtz’s chest. “No! You don’t get off that easy! You killed him!”

Wesley speedily dialed for an ambulance while Fred approached Gunn. She slowly put her arms around him, tears streaming down her cheeks, and pulled him away from Holtz.

Buffy entered the hotel with a somber face. Cordelia slowly greeted her, a large bandage covering most of her shoulder and back. Buffy could feel death in the room although it was three days after the fateful night. She then greeted Wesley, giving him a tight hug and pulling together the most reassuring smile she could muster. Then she gave Gunn and Fred tight little hugs. She had heard they were very important to Angel. They all noticed her eyes were red and sore from crying, and her clothes were rumpled and thrown together at the last minute. They all felt parts of her pain. Cordelia had been sitting at Angel’s desk earlier that day looking for something when she found a note from Angel to Buffy.

Wesley led Buffy into Angel’s office then left her alone, shutting the door behind him. She couldn’t feel her own skin, or much of anything for that matter as she sat down behind her first lover’s desk. She could only feel his aura everywhere. The whole room was saturated with it. She noticed a small envelope on the clean desktop with her first name on the front. Angel’s clean script like handwriting made her name more beautiful then she had ever seen it look.

She felt fresh tears well up in her eyes as she opened the envelope and unfolded the letter inside. She wiped her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve and began reading.

Dear Buffy,

I’m sure when you read this you will now know that I have a son. I’m also sure that if you are reading this then I am dead. I know a lot of the reasons we would’ve never worked apply to why I would’ve never made a good father. I cannot take my child into the sunlight, nor could I take you there. I cannot keep him completely safe while fighting the evil that seems to find its way to my doorstep, nor could I keep you safe. I know, I know, you can handle that yourself. But as he cannot I can’t think of anyone I would rather raise my child in my absence then you.

I just hope that you will love him the way you loved me. I’m sorry this letter will be so short. I could fill it with all the strong emotions I have for you. How I hoped that one day we would raise our own children together. How I hoped to one day introduce you to Conner and take you both to the beach or some other place with the sun shining above. This may surprise you but these were dreams that filled my head almost every moment of my existence.

I do realize that the hopes of becoming human again made me have selfish motives for continuing my quest and atoning for my sins. I also realize that this yearning may very well be the reason I am not here today. All I know for sure at this moment is that there is no one I would trust my child, my flesh and blood with more then you. I hope you will accept him into your home and treat him as you treat your friends and family.

Please don’t keep him in the dark. When he is old enough Darla wanted him to know that he was the only wonderful thing we ever made together. I agree and I want him to know how special he is and know about the things you and I know. I haven’t got much more to say except that I love you, I always have and that I hope everything from here on in your life goes well. Thank you Buffy. Thank you more then you could ever know.

Also, tell the others that I’m sorry and I thank them from the bottom of my heart as well.

Love,

Angel

Buffy watched the tears run from her chin then down the pages, smearing the ink as she finished the last words. Could she hurt anymore then she was hurting now? She knew she could, and that she had, when she lost her mother, but this was extremely close to the pain she had been feeling then. Hearing that Angel had died in the first place was third, and Angel turning evil was fourth. She remembered the first time she had met Angel. And the first time she had kissed him. The time she found out he was a vampire. She curled her knees up and wrapped her arms around herself in his big worn out leather chair. All these memories washed over her and she cried again and again for all the other reasons she had ever cried in her life until she could cry no more.

She opened the top drawer to his desk to find the Kleenex and pulling out a tissue she noticed a familiar silver gleam. She gasped in a deep breath of pain as she pulled Angel’s ring from the practically empty drawer. She stared at it, remembering the time she had brought Angel back from hell with her own matching ring. He wouldn’t be in the same hell now. Where would he be? She took off her thick silver cross necklace, another reminder of Angel and thread the ring onto the chain, putting in back around her neck.

Then she wrapped the letter back up and stared for a few extra seconds at his precise handsome handwriting. Then she put the letter in her purse and opened the door. She saw Gunn, Wesley, Fred, Cordelia, and Lorne, whom she recognized from Angel’s stories, jump slightly and pretend to be doing something. Cordelia glanced at Buffy from her spot on the couch then at a bedroom door, which was slightly ajar up the massive steps. Buffy nodded wordlessly beginning her climb. She paused outside the door and wiped her once tearing, bleeding eyes and slowly opened the door. The rest watched breathlessly as she entered.

She walked to a plain white crib on the other side of the room and saw a small rocking chair seated next to it. A book on Demonology was resting on the chair and she picked it up and sat down. Opening the musty envisioned Angel reading there. He had been sitting there watching his child, maybe even writing a letter to his former love. She lightly placed the book on a tiny end table and peered in at the child. She had never really been into babies as other girls her age had always been but she knew that this baby was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. “Just like Daddy,” she mumbled. Then she reached in and carefully lifted Conner into her arms. She embraced him, sobbing all the while as she rocked back and forth in the chair. She wanted to feel the tears cool her hot cheeks but there were no more tears left to cry. The baby woke and looked at her with soulful eyes, which she recognized and then laid its head on her shoulder and went back to sleep again. She couldn’t ever remember holding something so delicate before.

Gavin Park was never late for work. He was always awake, showered, dressed, and on his way to work exactly nineteen minutes before he was scheduled to be walking in the automatic impervious glass doors of the Wolfram & Hart building. He was even a few minutes early today, he acknowledged happily as he nodded to Larry the deskman on his hurried way to the elevator. He had to make a good impression, always watched, had to make a good impression, drilled through his head while his solid strong smile plastered his face.

“Excuse me?” a pretty young blonde jumped in-between him and the elevator, in-between him and his perfect impression. “Excuse me?”

His stern gaze directed from the departing elevator to the girl, “What is it?” he asked impatiently, it was a good thing he was a few minutes early. He looked the girl over; she looked to be about 21 years old, fresh out of college maybe. She had on a tight red dress with a matching red business jacket buttoned over top. The girls full sexy lips, short lacquered nails, small clutch purse, and high kneels matched the dresses blood red color. She held a pen and clipboard in her dainty hands. “I heard there was a job opening for secretary here, but so far no one seems to need one.” She flashed her pretty green eyes and thick lashes at him, “Are you looking for one?”

Just then the elevator returned and he took a quick glance at her long muscular legs emerging from the short hem of the dress. Sure, he could use something pretty to look at in his office and he had loads of money to waste. He wordlessly motioned with his hands for her to follow him into the elevator, smiling all the while.

“I mean, I just graduated from business school,” she smiled perfect white teeth, “I can do anything computer related, I can type fifty-five words a minute and write forty-five words shorthand a minute…” He barely listened to her drone as his eyes danced over her pretty neck and chest, her pretty flawless golden skin. Her hair was pulled back in a clip and small blonde wisps fell from her loose bun like a goddess. She was beginning to notice he wasn’t listening, “…I can make a killer pot of coffee, and I took training classes on how to give a perfect massage,” she finished with a weak smile.

Gavin smiled energetically as he stepped out of the elevator. “Well, Miss…”

She girl smiled, “Winters,” she said finally.

“Miss Winters,” Gavin said, “I have been searching high and low for good help these days and well, after listening intently to your credentials I feel you might just be the perfect person for the job.”

Miss Winters’ face lit with happiness and the biggest brightest smile Gavin had even seen, which were extremely contrasted to the bitter, arrogant scowl of Lilah Morgan as she passed them.

“Whoa, is this your office?” the girl asked surprised as they entered Gavin’s large office on the fortieth floor. She walked over to the far wall which was made of thick glass and looked down at the street far below. “I’ve never been up this high before.” She giggled, “You could join the mile-high-club up here.” Gavin smiled, he had every intention of doing just that.

“Okay, Miss Winters, My name is Gavin Park. I’m a law associate for this firm, but you don’t have to worry much about that.” He sat at the large Italian leather chair behind a sparkling oak desk, “All you’ll have to worry about is typing, coffee, and those perfect massages you were talking about.”

The girl moved closer and placed her purse on his desktop, “Care for a trial run?”

Gavin took of his suit jacket, “That’s just what I had in mind Miss Winters.” The girl slunk behind his chair and slowly began to massage his tight shoulders, finding many stress kinks and kneading them out with her strong palms and thumbs. Once Gavin was fully relaxed she slid one tiny hand into his black hair until it was firmly tangled amongst the hair sprayed locks. She grasped all the hair she could in one hand and ripped Gavin’s surprised form out of his seat, and slammed him into the glass wall behind them. “Did I say Miss Winters? Gee, It’s Miss Summers, close though.”

Gavin looked shocked but not as scared as she had hoped, “I’m getting so forgetful in my old age Gavin.” She pulled a silver envelope opener from his desk set and held it to his throat, “But I do remember something… I was here for a reason.” She kneed him in the crotch, “Oh yeah, to even to odds. See since Angel died the good side is a player short and that’s just no fun at all.” “Oh and I hear it was very fun for you to have him around,” Gavin said, “The murdering, the lying, the hurt, … the sex,” he said slyly knowing it would upset her when he let it slide from his tongue.

“Oh Gavin,” she said, “You don’t know the half of it. And as for all that other bad stuff you’ll know more then enough soon. See, I figure it’s only a matter of time before that door comes crashing in and your little commando guys come filing in guns-a-blazin’. I’m thinking the odds are about 60 to 40 on my side that you’re the first one to fall seeing as how we’re so close together. Do you rely on your guys that much that they’ll successfully hit such a small harmless looking target like myself?” He didn’t respond, “You might as well put the beer can on your head now.”

Gavin frowned, “What do you want?”

“I want to know how you brought Darla back,” Buffy said, “And I want to know now.”

Gavin looked more scared, “You’re asking the wrong person, I didn’t bring her back it was Lilah, Lilah Morgan and Lindsay McDonald.”

“Well, yeah,” she smiled, “See, Lindsay’s MIA, and Lilah is much smarter then you. Smart enough to know not to pick up some strange woman in the lobby and bring her up to your room to have a poke, so… That leaves you. And if you really don’t know, then I suggest you find out. Now!”

“Okay, Okay,” Gavin was growing more scared by the second; “I’ll take you to Lilah’s office.”

“That won’t be necessary,” a strong female voice said from the doorway, “I’m right here, and wow, what a predicament you’ve got yourself in Gavin.”

“Lilah,” Gavin rasped, “This is Buffy Summers, and she wants to know how you brought Darla back.”

“Looks a lot like she wants to decapitate you from where I’m standing.” Lilah took a seat and continued, “Must be the light though, because if I know The Slayer she stands for justice and all that other bull, just like our little shining star Angel did.” Lilah paused and smiled over the situation before her once more, “No, if she’s anything like her boyfriend she’s all talk and no follow through.”

Buffy grinned, “You may have known a little something about Angel as a foe, Lilah, but you know nothing about me. Angel was making amends, I’m just retaliating, and I plan to continue just that until I get what I want. I’m not Angel. I don’t make empty threats, so keep in mind that when I’m done with Gavin here I’m coming after you.”

“I think your bluffing, just like your boyfriend.”

Buffy couldn’t contain her rage she lifted the envelope opener and flung it across the room at Lilah as hard as she could. It landed with a sickening thud between Lilah’s cold eyes, and she fell forward in her chair. Buffy heard Gavin gasp, “Maybe so,” she said lightly dropping Gavin to the floor. She frowned up at a security camera above the door to the room and took off her business jacket. She undid her hair and shook it a little to get that tousled just-been-laid look. Then she looked at her reflection showing brown in the highly polished wood door. Thank god for Cordelia, she thought looking at the finished product; a hooker was something she expected would be seen in a dirty place like Wolfram & Hart all the time. She grabbed her purse and took a final look at Gavin who was curled on the floor like a little baby. He didn’t know anything. Then she quickly strode out the door.

“Wow, When can we make one?” Anya asked Xander innocently as she looked at Conner in the car seat. Buffy sat him down on the table inside The Magic Box and looked around solemn-faced at the crowd present. Willow was smiling down at the baby, but Buffy knew she had her own reasons to be sad. Tara was no longer talking to her, and she was trying fruitlessly to quit magic.

“Hey Conner,” Xander said lightly to the little boy’s blissful face, “I’m your uncle Xander, and this is my sex slave Anya.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Anya said laughingly after she lightly slapped Xander’s arm.

Buffy went over in Willow’s direction. “So Angel had a baby?” Buffy nodded, “With Darla?” Buffy nodded again. “How?” Willow finally asked.

“I have no idea, and nether did he. Apparently Conner’s a miracle, hunted by all kinds of mad demon cults and evil law firms.”

Willow smiled, “Then its good that he’s here with you now, you can keep him safe.” Buffy didn’t answer. Angel thought she would keep him safe, but she didn’t even know how she was going to pay the mortgage or buy groceries these days. “What do you think Dawn is going to say?” Willow asked.

“Oh,” Buffy frowned, “I didn’t really think about that. I mean… I hope she’s not mad. I don’t think she’ll be mad. I don’t know. But it doesn’t really matter. Angel wanted me to take care of his child and that’s what I plan to do no matter what I have to go through.”

They glanced over to where Anya was carrying Conner around and showing him all the mystical herbs, gems, spell books and telling him the names, all the history, the prices, and place of origin. “Can’t wait to see when they have kids,” Buffy joked lightly.

“I don’t know what to do Will,” she said after a short silence, “I mean, truthfully, I can’t think of raising Angel’s child without him.” It was the first time Willow had heard Buffy talk about Angel in a truly, deeply, loving way since they had been together. “I mean... I know he left and I moved on… but it was like I was just biding my time until something magical happened and Angel and I could be together.” Willow nodded understandingly, so Buffy continued, “I mean... he was my true love, Will. I have to find out who did this to him. I have to find a way to…” Willow looked at Buffy but she didn’t finish.

“A way to what, Buffy?” she asked concerned.

“I just wish I could bring him back somehow.”

“Well, if you’re thinking of anything I could do, I mean, what we did for you… it wasn’t the same Buffy. It wouldn’t work for Angel.”

Willow looked at Buffy’s sullen face thinking attentively. Then she got up and walked up the steps to the bookshelf she had been to so many times before. Buffy just watched Anya and Xander play with Conner. When Conner began to cry loudly Buffy tiredly put the baby in his car seat and attempted excuses at departure.

“Do you want any help Buff?” Xander asked still smiling at the baby.

“Yeah,” Anya added excitedly, “Can we baby-sit?”

Buffy looked at her watch, “It’s almost dinner, I think I’ll just order some pizza, you guys are welcome for a little while.”

“Great,” they both said then they ran to the closet lovingly racing to get their jackets.

Buffy noticed Willow was sitting Indian style up in the loft looking at the powerful magic books. Xander followed her gaze and his smile washed-out almost instantly.

Buffy knew what Willow was looking for and she hoped she would find it.

“Willow? Are you coming?” Xander called up to her.

“Um, I’ll be over as soon as I can,” she said looking up from a heavy book situated in her lap.

“Ok, don’t forget to lock up.” Buffy said, “See ya.” They walked out the door, and flipped the closed sign as they went.

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Buffy said trying to reassure Xander’s disappointed face.




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