Title: You Can’t Go Home Again
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy or Profiler, and I don’t claim to. No copyright infringement is intended so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway. Also, let me say that I know absolutely nothing about the Wicca religion. Everything in this story has either come from things I’ve observed on Buffy and other TV shows, or from my own mind (Yes, that’s right, I just made it up. Deal with it). No offense is intended.
Summary: Xander’s frustration about being the Zeppo finally comes to a head mid season 4, so he takes off intent on proving himself to those he feels don’t believe in him. He comes to some realizations on his own, and he makes some new friends in the FBI. But a series of murders in Sunnydale forces Xander to come home sooner then he would have liked. Can he use his newfound wisdom to patch things up with his old friends while keeping the secret truth about vampires from his new friends, all while trying to catch a killer?
(BtVS/Profiler, W/X)

Xander sat on the VCTF’s plane as they flew from Atlanta to California. He was using his laptop to search the Internet for references to the Wiccan circle that had been found at each of the crime scenes. He had already searched through the books he kept in his office before they left, and when he didn’t find anything he was even tempted to go back to his apartment to look through his library there, but there just wasn’t enough time. He had thought the symbol would be easier to find, but he didn’t see it anywhere. He supposed it was possible that the murderer had created it herself for some reason, or perhaps the symbol was just an obscure one. In any event, he hoped that he could find someone in Sunnydale to help him with it. But that brought up another thought. He knew there was no way that the VCTF was going to be able to conduct an investigation without running into Buffy and the gang in an official capacity as it were. Chances were good that she was also investigating the murders herself, even though from what Xander already knew, the killer appeared to be human. How was he going to solve this case and sort out his personal problems all at once? He sighed to himself as he let his head fall into his hands. It was then that he heard the voice of John Grant.

“Hey Xander,” he said, taking a seat next to him.

“John,” Xander said politely. He liked John well enough, but every once in a while, especially during cases like this, John would give him a hard time about his belief in the occult. Xander couldn’t help but feel that if John had seen half the things that he had in his life, it might just be enough to wipe that smug expression off his face.

“Listen, Xander, I’m the one that has to coordinate things with the local PD as usual. This is your hometown, what can you tell me about them. Other than that they’re inept,” he added as an afterthought.

“Well, they’re in a perpetual state of denial basically, as are most people in Sunnydale. It’s like a mental defense mechanism, it keeps them from having to deal with things that they’re not ready for. Oh, I’m sure they go into the job just like any other cop, with aspirations of justice, duty and honor. But somewhere along the way they just become so broken down by all the weird shit that happens in that town that they just don’t care anymore. You shouldn’t have any problems with them.”

“You keep mentioning that, that it’s a weird town I mean. What do you mean, what’s so weird about it?”

Xander was still looking down at his computer, only really half paying attention to John. “Witches, werewolves, vampires, demons, cults, end of the world prophecies, vortexes that will suck you into the bowels of Hell. That sort of thing,” he answered casually.

John laughed hesitantly at what he perceived to be an odd joke. Everyone always laughed, Xander thought. Many people had akin him to Fox Mulder on the X-Files, especially when he was still at the Academy. They had even given him a nickname, just like ‘Spooky’ Mulder. They called him ‘The total fucking mental case.’ Granted, it didn’t have quite the same ring to it, but it came from the heart nonetheless. Xander just shrugged it off. He was made of sterner stuff, he didn’t let things like that bother him anymore. “You make it sound like a little piece of Hell on Earth,” John said with a chuckle.

Xander looked up from his computer and met John’s eyes with his own. “Now you’re getting the idea,” he said, completely serious. He had more things to worry about than feeding John’s own denial. In a little while, he would more than likely see things that he would be unable to deny.

“Seriously though,” John pushed just as Xander turned back to his screen.

Xander sighed audibly. “John, let me ask you something. What do you believe in?”

John paused for a moment before answering. “Well, I was raised Catholic if that’s what you mean, though I haven’t been to Church in years.”

“Do you still believe in God?”

“Yeah, I suppose I do.”

“Do you believe in the Devil then?”

“No,” John answered quickly with a nervous little chuckle. Xander could tell that John’s nervousness was coming from his own seeming seriousness.

“So, you believe that there is an all-powerful benevolent being, but not an all-powerful malevolent being.” He paused to give John a chance to say something, he didn’t, so Xander continued. “Let me tell you what I believe John. I believe that there is a…universal energy force if you will. Call it what you like, chi, karma, vibes, whatever. It’s this force that keeps everything in balance. You see, it’s all about balance. Yin and yang, light and dark, good and evil, one can’t exist without the other. Throughout the world, there exist elements of good, and elements of evil, but in the end they all balance out. Now, think of Sunnydale as a microcosm of the universe, a simplification of all that balance. Where good is clearly good and evil is clearly evil, and there are very few shades of gray. It’s pure, and whenever to boil something down to it’s purest form, you also get it in it’s most potent form. Are you following me here, John?”

John looked very confused but he nodded anyway. Xander resisted the urge to laugh.

“Okay, let me put it to you this way. Sunnydale is a town, in which where there exists nothing short of pure evil. You say you believe in God. Well I hope that your faith is strong, because there may come a time when it will be all you have left.”

John just stared blankly at Xander for a few seconds. Then he let out a breath and shook his head. “You are one weird guy Xander,” he said.

Xander turned back to his computer. “So they tell me,” he mumbled. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”

John raised his hands in a mock surrender gesture before standing and going back to his original seat. Xander just shook his head to himself as he kept searching the web for the answer to his supernatural question. He felt someone sit down next to him in the seat that John had just occupied, and could tell from the smell of her perfume who it was without even looking up. “Rachel,” he said in greeting.

“Xander,” she returned, mocking the same tone he used. “I overheard your conversation with John. I think you scared the crap out of him.”

“Good, he should be scared. It’ll keep him on his toes,” Xander said without looking up.

“Xander, I know what you’re doing. You forget, I’ve known you too long. I’m not going to be as easy to get rid of as he was.”

“I didn’t say all that to get rid of him,” Xander said looking up. He paused. “Okay, maybe I did. I’m just a little…on edge.”

“I don’t blame you,” Rachel said. “I would be too if I were going back to the people I loved to show them the person I had become. To try to explain it to them why I left and haven’t been back.”

Xander smiled slightly. Rachel was the only one that really knew anything about how Xander had left Sunnydale, and how he felt about the people he had left behind. With the exclusion of Buffy and Willow, Rachel was Xander’s oldest friend. “You told Bailey, didn’t you?”

“I might have mentioned it.”

“I thought it was kind of odd that he remembered the name of my hometown.”

“You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“No, of course not. I’m glad he gave me a heads up. It prevented me from spitting my coffee all over the conference table when he said Sunnydale,” he said, trying to sound jovial.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rachel asked gently after a few seconds.

“It’s just…I don’t know what to say to them. How am I going to explain to them why I left when I’m not even sure myself?”

“Why did you leave?”

Xander paused. “I was angry. Angry about the way they treated me, angry that they were growing up and leaving me behind, angry with myself because I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to stay, I really did. I just didn’t know how to. I couldn’t keep being the person I was, and I couldn’t grow up as long as I was still there.”

“So, do you think leaving was a mistake?”

“No,” Xander answered. He paused for a moment, in thought. “Maybe leaving wasn’t a mistake, maybe it was just the way I left that was a mistake. I mean, they were the people I cared about. The people I loved. I at least owed them a goodbye. And my timing could have been a little better too.”

“You did love them, didn’t you? And you still do.” Xander just nodded. “Xander, they’re your friends. They’ll understand.”

“But what if they don’t?”

“Then you’ll make them understand. You’ll tell them how you feel about them, how you really feel about them, then you’ll apologize for the mistakes you’ve made, and you’ll beg for their forgiveness.”

“And what if they don’t forgive me? What if they don’t feel the same way?”

Rachel reached out and put her hand on top of his and squeezed it. “Then it’s their loss,” she said tenderly.

Xander smiled. “Thanks Rachel,” he said squeezing it back. “You’re a good friend.”

*

After the plane landed and the group made their way to Sunnydale, they spent most of the day being briefed by the Sunnydale PD. They visited the crime scenes so Rachel could get a feel for the murders, but they found that the evidence hadn’t been preserved very well. The symbols had been washed away in the rain, so all they had now were the pictures taken when the bodies were originally found. They found out that two of the victims weren’t even from Sunnydale, and that when questioned, their friends and family had no idea what they were doing in the town. George still hadn’t made any connection between the women, but he was still working on it. Xander kept up his research as well, stopping in a few local magic shops and picking up a few books to try and find the meaning of the symbol, he was unsuccessful however. He had a feeling though that if he showed the symbol to certain people, they would know what it was immediately. But he wasn’t ready for that yet. He had somehow managed to spend the entire day avoiding places where he might run into people that would recognize him, his parents didn’t even know he was back in town. Rachel tried to refine her profile a bit more, brainstorming with the group as they often did. They sat gathered in one of the hotel rooms they had rented for the VCTF, doing just that. Rachel pacing back and forth, Bailey sitting in a nearby chair, George on the bed with his laptop in front of him, Grace sitting next to him with the autopsy reports spread out in front of her and John leaning against the wall biting his nails. “I’m still feeling a sense of reluctance,” Rachel said as she glanced at the crime scene photos. “The murders are simple, almost ritualistic.”

“Like a sacrifice,” Bailey said.

“Maybe,” Rachel said. “From what I understand about the Wicca religion though, sacrifice isn’t part of it.”

“Well, maybe that’s why she’s so reluctant,” John said. “It goes against her religion.”

“But it has to do with it at the same time,” Rachel said. “The killer is very conflicted.”

It was then that the door opened and Xander walked in carrying a box of doughnuts. “All right, I got jelly, I got glazed, and of course, coffee.”

Rachel smiled at the last part and took the cup that Xander handed her. “Thanks,” she said.

“Maybe it is time for a break,” Bailey said as he took a cup for himself. “It’s getting a little late.”

Xander put the box down on the table by the door. He turned to close the door behind him when he paused for a moment, looking out at the parking lot. He then stepped outside the door and moved it to see the number on its front. He reentered the room and closed the door, an odd smile on his face.

“What?” John asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Xander said. “I just realized what room this is.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Nothing important.”

“It’s okay Xander,” Bailey said. “We know this is your hometown, you’re bound to have some memories. Sit down, have a doughnut, tell us ‘what room this is.’”

Xander grabbed a jelly doughnut and sat down next to the table. “It’s nothing, really. It’s just the room where I lost my virginity.”

Rachel sputtered, nearly choking on the coffee in her mouth. Xander and John both laughed at her reaction, Bailey just smiled a little.

“It looks a lot nicer now though, they’ve cleaned this place up some,” Xander remarked.

“You really didn’t have to share that,” Grace said, trying to suppress a laugh of her own.

“He asked,” Xander said in his defense.

“Nothing wrong with fond recollections of one’s past,” John said with a slick smile of his own.

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” Xander said.

“Why, bad break-up?” John asked.

“Not exactly,” Xander replied. “She kind of went psycho and tried to kill me. Then later that year a friend of mine put her in a coma, she’s probably dead by now,” he said taking a bite of his doughnut, as casual as though he were talking about the weather. “So, where were we?”

The rest of the group looked a little taken aback. Rachel recovered first. “We were just talking about the killer’s contradictory nature, how she seems to be killing on behalf of her beliefs, yet at the same time killing is against her beliefs.”

“Interesting,” Xander commented.

“Have you found the meaning of that symbol yet?” Bailey asked. “Maybe that will clue us in as to her motives.”

“Not yet,” Xander answered. He paused a moment, seeming reluctant. “But I think I might know some people in town who can help me, I’ll go see them tomorrow.”

Bailey could tell by Xander’s tone that he was worried about seeing these people. “All right, but I want to keep this official, so you’d better take someone else with you.”

“Bailey, I really don’t think that’s necessary. They may be more informative if I’m alone.” Xander was worried about exposing his friends to the realities of Sunnydale, even though he knew that sooner or later he wouldn’t have a choice.

“Never the less Xander, I want one of us with you,” Bailey said.

“I’ll go,” Rachel spoke up. Xander looked up and met her eyes, he saw the concern mixed with reassurance as she smiled softly at him. Xander considered it a moment before deciding to himself that maybe it was a good idea to have some moral support when he went to face his friends.

He smiled back at her. “Thanks Rachel.”

*

It was a gorgeous morning, Buffy thought. Not too hot, not too humid, a slight breeze blew through the trees and cooled her skin. It was the perfect weather for a workout. Her and Riley were sparing lightly in the courtyard outside Giles’ condo. Giles sat nearby, book in hand as usual. And next to him, sat Amy, gazing at the screen of her laptop. “Riley,” Giles spoke up. “Are you sure there is no way you can get your hands on those police reports?”

“I’m telling you Giles, I tried,” Riley said as he blocked blows from his girlfriend. “All my contacts in the police department tell me the same thing. The Feds are involved now, it’s out of their hands.”

“Maybe this is a good thing Giles,” Buffy said, still not taking her eyes off Riley. “Let the FBI handle this one, they’re bound to be more effective then the Sunnydale PD.”

“Granted,” Giles agreed. “But these murders have a definite occult undertone, that much we can be certain of. I don’t know if even the FBI will be prepared for…well, for whatever this turns out to be. Right now we don’t know enough to be sure of anything. All we know is that there have been three murders, we know that the victims we stabbed, and we know that there was some kind of symbol found near each of the bodies. Amy, have you had any luck getting into the police department’s database?” Giles asked, turning to Amy.

“No,” she said. “I’m afraid I’m not quite as proficient a hacker as Willow. I’ll be glad when she’s back from this business trip of hers.”

“As will we all,” Giles said. “But let’s not forget, if it wasn’t for Willow and Willtech Software, Inc…”

“We know Giles, we know,” Buffy interrupted. “We’d all have to go out and get real jobs.” She nodded to Riley that she was ready to stop, he nodded back thankfully. He walked over to the table and picked up his water bottle, throwing Buffy hers. She caught it and took a long drink.

“When is Willow getting back anyway?” Riley asked.

“Tara went to pick her up at the airport this morning,” Giles answered. “They should be here shortly. I’ve told Willow as much as we know over the phone last night. She seemed excited to be dealing with a problem of this nature, as opposed to all the quote, ‘boring business stuff.’”

Buffy smiled. “That sounds like Willow all right. The only person I know who could be excited at the prospect of a new evil in town.”

“I guess some things never change.”

Everyone’s head turned at the sound of the new voice. What they saw made their jaws hit the ground. Standing at the front gate of the courtyard just a few feet away was someone that they thought they’d never see again. He looked a little older. He was a little better dressed, wearing a suit and a brown trench coat, and he had a small goatee beard. Standing next to him was a woman with auburn hair. She looked back and forth between him and the rest of them as the silence stretched on. Buffy was the first to find her voice.

“Xander?” It was a question, like she wasn’t quite sure if she could believe her eyes.

Xander nodded. “Yeah, it’s me Buff,” he said, matching her soft tone. What happened next had been exactly what Xander had expected. Buffy closed the distance between the two of them, and punched Xander in the face. He went down, hitting the pavement with his hands so as not to hurt himself. He prepared himself for the blow, but he still went down hard. He had forgotten just how strong Buffy was. Rachel was there in an instant, stepping forward towards Buffy. “No!” Xander said, stopping her. Rachel stopped and looked down at him, then she helped him up. As soon as Xander was on his feet again, Buffy wrapped him in a hug. She slid her arms around his midsection and buried her face in his chest. He could feel the tears against his shirt. He put his arms around her and patted her back lightly as he leaned his head on top of hers. “I’m glad to see you too,” he whispered.

Buffy finally pulled back after a moment and wiped her face. Riley was right there, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. Giles stood before him now, an almost blank expression on his face. “You’re not going to hit me too, are you G-man,” Xander said.

Giles actually smiled, which surprised Xander. “Only if you call me G-man again,” he said, and then he too hugged him.

When he pulled back, Xander caught a glimpse of the other person that had been seated at the table. “Amy?” he asked.

She smiled. “Hey Xander, good to see you again.”

“You too,” he said. “The last time I saw you, you were…smaller.”

“Yeah, Willow fixed that a few years ago.”

“Where is Willow?” Xander asked, hoping that he didn’t sound as desperate and pathetic as he thought he did.

“She should be here shortly,” Giles said. “What are you doing here Xander? Why did you come back?”

“Well, apart from the obvious reason, to see all of you, I’m here on business.” He glanced at Rachel. “Oh, I’m sorry. Everyone, this is Rachel Burke. Rachel, this is Buffy, Giles, Amy, and Riley.”

“It’s nice to meet all of you, I’ve heard so much about you,” Rachel said.

“So,” Amy said. “Are you and Xander…”

“No,” they both answered at the same time.

Xander smiled. “Rachel is a colleague of mine I guess you could say.”

“Exactly what kind of business are you here on?” Giles asked.

“I’m sorry,” Xander said again. “I haven’t properly introduced myself either.” He reached into his coat and retrieved a small item that looked like a wallet. He flipped it open to reveal his ID. “Special Agent AleXander Harris, FBI. Violent Crimes Task Force.” Their collective jaws hit the floor again. “I’m here because of the recent murders, but I’m sure you’ve figured that out.” He paused. “I need your help.”

*

Xander sat on Giles couch and Rachel sat next to him, holding a bag of ice against his jaw. She removed it and examined the slightly purple area that was forming. “I can’t believe she hit you,” she said.

“I expected it. Buffy tends to act on impulse,” Xander said. “I’m kind of relieved actually.”

“Relieved?” Rachel asked. “Why?”

“Well, you see, Buffy ran away for a few months back in high school. The rest of us went nuts looking for her. But when she finally came back, we all just pretended like nothing was wrong. It all came to a head one night, and a lot of hurtful things were said. In the end, I guess you could say our friendship was stronger for it, but it still hurt. We learned not to bottle things up.” Xander smiled and winced slightly at the pain it caused in his jaw. “At least I know Buffy isn’t holding anything back.” He let out a sigh as he held the bag against his face again. “Maybe this was a bad idea,” he said. “Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.”

“No.”

They both turned to see Buffy standing behind them.

“Will you excuse us Rachel,” Xander said, not taking his eyes from Buffy.

“Of course,” she answered. She stood and stepped out the door.

Buffy approached and sat next to Xander. They were both silent for a moment. “I’m sorry I hit you,” Buffy said.

Xander shook his head. “Forget it,” he said. “I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t. I was just angry. You have as much right as the rest of us to live whatever life you want to. You don’t owe us anything.” She paused. “Except maybe an explanation.”

“And an apology,” Xander said, turning to face her. He put the ice bag down on the coffee table. “I left because I thought it was time to. I needed to start a life of my own. As much as I wanted to stay, there was nothing keeping me here. I wasn’t needed.”

“That isn’t true,” Buffy said. “We needed you.”

“You seem to have done pretty well without me.” Buffy didn’t respond. “I do owe you an apology,” Xander said. “I should have at least said goodbye.”

“You just disappeared,” Buffy said. “We didn’t know whether you were alive or dead, until finally your parents told us you took off. Damn it Xander! Five years! You couldn’t call? You couldn’t write, let us know you were okay?”

“I was afraid.”

“Of what!”

“Of this. Of what you would think of me…for bailing on you. I’ve been a screw-up since the day I was born.” He paused. “I didn’t want the people I cared about the most to see me as a failure. I was waiting until I had something to be proud of.”

“So what happened. You obviously have something to be proud of now. I mean, the FBI. No offense but, wow.”

“Believe me, no one was more surprised then me,” Xander said with a smile. He paused again. “I guess I was still afraid. I didn’t know if I’d be welcome.”

“Of course you’re welcome Xander,” Buffy said with pause. She smiled slightly and looked Xander in the eye. “Tell me.”

Xander smiled back a little. “Well, I went to the FBI Academy not to long after I left. I wanted to do something where I could help people again. I joined the Behavioral Sciences Unit, that’s where I met Rachel. I stayed in Washington for a few years, until a series of murders in Miami. I knew it was a demon, so I headed down and met up with the VCTF. Well, we stopped the guy, and I ended up assigned to the VCTF permanently. I’ve been with them a little over a year now. Your turn.”

“Well, a little while after you left, the Initiative tried to kill me. So Riley quit and started working with us. We found out that the Initiative was doing experiments, creating a demon/human hybrid. Well, it escaped and we eventually caught it and killed it. They left after that, we think the army pulled their funding. Riley stayed, he helps out the police department now and then, but mostly he helps with the slaying. Willow and I graduated about a year ago with degrees in psychology. I work part time at the rape crisis center, but Willow discovered she had a talent for something else. She started designing software programs for fun, and she ended up selling a few. So that was the birth of Willtech Software, Inc. That’s where she is now, in New York meeting with the lawyers. They’re putting out a new accounting software package. Amy and Tara both work for her.”

“Tara?”

“Oh, that’s right. You never met her, did you? She went to college with us, her and Willow became very good friends. She’s a witch too. You’d be surprised how powerful the three of them are together.”

“A witch’s trinity,” Xander said. “Yes, three is a very powerful number in Wicca.”

“How did you know that?” Buffy asked.

“Just because I work for the FBI now doesn’t mean I lost all interest in the occult. I’m kind of like Fox Mulder, only with vampires instead of aliens.”

Buffy laughed. “Let me see, what else? Oh, Giles opened a bookstore, but I’m sure you could’ve guessed that. We all pitch in every once in a while, plus it allows him to research while he’s at work. I guess that’s it.”

Just then the pair were interrupted by the sound of footsteps coming up the hall, and the sound of grumbling. Xander turned to see a very pale blonde man wearing only boxer shorts emerge from the hall and head into the kitchen. “Bloody hell, they know I sleep during the day you think they could keep it down,” he mumbled to himself as he took a small container of what Xander guessed to be cow’s blood out of the refrigerator and drank it down.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot,” Buffy said in a very un-enthused voice. “Hey!” she said turning to Spike. “Use a glass, would you!”

“Bugger off!” Spike responded.

“I guess some things never change,” Xander said.

Spike looked up at the sound of his voice. “Oh, it’s you,” he said, mimicking Buffy’s earlier tone.

“Nice to see you too Spike,” Xander said.

Spike just growled a little and through the now empty plastic container in the trash before heading back down the hall and back to bed. “He’s surprisingly useful now that all the demons in town hate him,” Buffy said. “He likes to pretend he still hates us, but I think he’s warming up.”

Xander laughed, and then paused. He was unsure of his next question. He was afraid of what the answer would be. “How is Willow?”

Buffy paused too. “She’s good, now. After you left she was heartbroken. First Oz, and then you, she was depressed for a long time. She told me about the conversation that the two of you had the night before you left. She kept playing it over and over in her mind, wondering what she said, what she should have said. It took a long time for her to stop blaming herself, but she had a lot of friends to help her.”

“That’s why you hit me, isn’t it?” Xander asked. “Because of what my leaving did to Willow.”

Buffy nodded. “She still thinks about you a lot, she misses you.”

“She must hate me,” Xander said, sitting back on the couch, bringing his hands to his face.

“It might be easier if she did, but you know Willow. She’s not capable of it, especially when it comes to you. I think she realizes now that you had your own reasons for leaving, but I don’t think it makes it hurt any less. She always regretted one thing she said that night, something about how friends grow apart. I don’t think it was until you were gone that she realized how much you meant to her.”

“Believe me, I know what you mean,” Xander said.

That’s when they both heard voices in the courtyard. One Xander recognized right away, the other he assumed to be that of Tara. Buffy and he both stood, and Xander straightened his suit. He felt like…well, there really weren’t words to describe how he felt. Nervous, excited, scared, all at once. Buffy put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and smiled. Xander took a deep breath, and together the two of them stepped out into the courtyard.




Next Chapter