Title: You Can’t Go Home Again
Author: Paradox761
Email: Paradox761@mail.com
Website: members.tripod.com/~Paradox761
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy or Profiler, and I don’t claim to. No copyright infringement is intended so please don’t sue. I don’t have any money anyway. Also, let me say that I know absolutely nothing about the Wicca religion. Everything in this story has either come from things I’ve observed on Buffy and other TV shows, or from my own mind (Yes, that’s right, I just made it up. Deal with it). No offense is intended.
Summary: Xander’s frustration about being the Zeppo finally comes to a head mid season 4, so he takes off intent on proving himself to those he feels don’t believe in him. He comes to some realizations on his own, and he makes some new friends in the FBI. But a series of murders in Sunnydale forces Xander to come home sooner then he would have liked. Can he use his newfound wisdom to patch things up with his old friends while keeping the secret truth about vampires from his new friends, all while trying to catch a killer?
(BtVS/Profiler, W/X)

Amy and Tara sat on Giles' couch, several spell books open in front of them. The two of them plus Willow had to perform a binding spell as part of Xander's plan to capture Judith Raines, and it had taken them most of the day to find the appropriate one. It was a complex and powerful spell, one that could only be performed by a witch's trinity, so they were studying it in preparation for the next night's activities.

The pair was alone in the living room now. Most of the others had gone off to patrol, and Giles was in the other room. Tara looked up from her book and across at her girlfriend. "Amy, I'm scared."

Amy looked up. "It'll be okay Tara, we've faced worse things than this and come out on top," she said, reaching out and taking Tara's hand in hers.

"I know, but this is different," Tara said, squeezing Amy's hand. "I don't like you being in danger like this, it isn't fair for them to ask you to do this."

"Tara, I'm a slayerette, it comes with the territory. I knew that when I signed on. I trust Xander, and I trust you and Willow. It'll be okay."

"It's just...I mean, I don't think I could stand it if I lost you," Tara said, a tear sneaking into her voice.

Amy immediately pushed the book off her lap and pulled Tara into a hug. "Oh, Tara. It's okay, you're not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

Tara hugged her back, and for a moment the two just sat there and held each other, neither one speaking. "I'm sorry," Tara said. "Maybe I'm overreacting."

"You don't have to be sorry, Tara," Amy said. She smiled. "I like that you worry about me."

Tara smiled too. "I hope you know...what I mean is, after what happened between me and Willow, I want you to know that what I feel for you is real. That it isn't just a displacement for my feelings for Willow."

"I know that," Amy said. "I feel the same way," she said squeezing her hand again. "And I know that you don't like Xander because of how hurt Willow was when he left, but you should give him the benefit of the doubt. It was a difficult time for all of them. Xander really is a good guy, and I've known them both long enough to know that they really are meant for each other."

"Maybe you're right," Tara said. "If he has your endorsement, then he can't be all bad. But if he let's you get hurt, I'll kill him."

Amy laughed. She reached out and touched the side of Tara's face. "I love you, you know," she said.

Tara smiled as she leaned into the touch, putting her own hand on top of Amy's. "I know," she said. "And I love you."

"I know," Amy said softly, leaning in and meeting Tara's lips with her own in a gentle kiss.

*

Willow and Xander walked side by side through the cemetery. It was a quiet night. Almost like the forces of darkness could sense their mood and decided that they were better off steering clear. “Do you really think we can do it?” Willow asked.

“Of course,” Xander said.

“I wish I could be that confident,” Willow said. “But living on the Hellmouth has taught me that nothing is a sure thing.”

“Willow, trust me,” Xander said. “None of us will be in danger.”

“What about Judith?” Willow asked. Xander looked down at her questioningly. “I just…I don’t know. I guess I’m not used to going after people. I mean, this curse has been torture for her and her sister, I can’t help but feel sorry for them.”

“I feel sorry for them too, Wills,” Xander said. “But she has to be stopped, and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure she’s taken alive. Our job is just to catch them, the courts decide the punishment.”

“But that’s just it,” Willow said. “If the cops aren’t equipped to catch her, what makes the courts equipped to judge her? They can’t know the truth, they’ll just think she’s delusional and she’ll end up in a mental hospital somewhere. And nobody will ever know what really happened.”

Xander was silent for a moment. “Maybe,” he said. “This isn’t an easy thing Willow, it never is. To spend a career studying gruesome crimes, most committed by humans with souls. It still nags at me sometimes. But we do the best we can, and if someone needs help, we try to see that they get it. Maybe the courts aren’t equipped, maybe the hospitals aren’t equipped, hell, maybe the VCTF isn’t even equipped. But it’s the only system we’ve got, and it depends on people like Rachel, and Bailey, and…”

“You.” Xander looked at her again. “I know it isn’t easy Xander, and I know that you do your best.” She looped her arm through his and leaned her head against his shoulder as the walked. “It’s just hard.”

“I know,” Xander said softly. The two remained silent for a while, just walking, holding each other.

“When this is all over, and Judith Raines is in custody, what will happen?”

“Well, she’ll most likely be taken to a hospital or…”

“That isn’t what I meant,” Willow said. Xander looked down at her. “Are you going back to Atlanta?”

Xander just stopped walking and turned to face her fully. He didn’t answer her. He didn’t have an answer. After a few moments of silence, Willow reached out and hugged him. She cried against his chest, and Xander just held her. “It’ll be okay,” Xander said, fighting tears of his own. “Please don’t cry Willow. Please don’t cry.”

*

It was quiet that night. So quiet that Judith could hear her own heart beating as she made her way up the paved path of the small apartment complex where Amy Madison had agreed to meet her. She hadn’t made it easy, but Judith finally managed to convince her to meet. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come someplace like this where someone could see, but she was too close now. She had come too far to back out. She started this, and she had to finish it.

Judith found the entrance to the courtyard rather easily, and walked between the bushes that made up the entranceway. She spotted Amy sitting at the concrete table, looking around nervously. “Amy Madison,” Judith called out, remaining in the shadows. Amy jumped when she heard the voice, and looked around.

“Where are you?” she asked.

Judith ignored the question. “You’ve come to claim your power?”

“Maybe,” Amy answered cryptically.

“You know of your bloodline,” Judith continued. She stepped into the light, and Amy jumped a little as she saw her come into view. “There can be no mistake.” Judith drew a knife from her pocket, triangular in shape and Chumash in design. “I’m sorry, I truly am.” Amy stood up the second she saw the knife and started backing away. Judith started walking toward her.

“Don’t move!” Judith turned her head and saw a man standing in the doorway of the ground-floor apartment. He had a goatee beard, and he wore a suit with a long coat. He was pointing a gun at her. “Drop the knife, Judith,” he said.

“No,” Judith whispered. “It won’t end like this. You can’t stop me!” she yelled.

“But we can,” Amy said. Judith turned back to her prey and saw her raising her arms, holding them apart at a 45-degree angle from each other. She began chanting, and Judith watched as a white light shot out of both of her palms, the beams shooting past her on either side. Judith whirled around and saw two young women standing behind her, one with blonde hair, the other red. Their arms were raised in the same fashion, the beams of light had struck their outstretched hands, and there was another beam between the two of them. The three of them formed a triangle, and Judith was standing in the middle of it. She whirled around again to face Amy, knife still in her hand. She heard the last words of the spell. “…We call upon the Goddess to bind thee.”

“No!” Judith shouted, but it was too late. She could already feel the power draining from her. She clutched the knife tighter and made a move toward Amy, but the man’s voice stopped her.

“Don’t move, Judith,” he said, his gun still trained on her.

“You can’t do this to me!” Judith yelled out. “Do you know how many people have suffered because of this curse! It has to end!” No one answered her at first. “You don’t know,” she said. “You can’t know. But I’m not crazy.”

“We know you’re not crazy Judith.” Another voice this time. Female. Judith turned and saw another woman standing there, stepping out from behind a tree. She had reddish-brown hair, and wore a coat similar to the man’s. “We know about the curse,” she continued. “We know why you’ve done what you’ve done. We understand.”

“How could you?” Judith hissed, her eyes filling with tears and she clutched the knife. “How can anyone understand the generations of suffering my family has gone through, what all our families have gone through. What is the death of five people compared to that? It has to end!”

“Judith, we can find another way,” Rachel said. “You don’t have to do this anymore. Please, put the knife down.”

“There is no other way! Don’t you think I’ve tried! I’ve looked in every spell book in existence, talked to every witch and warlock I could find! This is the only way. I didn’t want to do this. I had to,” she said.

“For Sara?” Rachel asked. Judith looked surprised. “You were always there for her, weren’t you? To protect her. That’s what big sisters are for, right?”

“I couldn’t…” Judith cried. “I couldn’t protect her. Goddess help me, I tried. But she still got hurt. Over and over again until the bright-eyes little girl I grew up with became such a miserable wreck of a human being that she actually begged for death. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it!”

“I know, Judith. I know how helpless you must feel. But this can’t be the answer. All you’re doing is bringing more death, more suffering.”

“They didn’t suffer,” Judith said. “If anything, I stopped their suffering. And their sacrifice will go to save hundreds more. The young and innocent, who’ve never done anything to deserve such a horrible punishment.”

Rachel paused. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” she asked. Xander glanced at Rachel in surprise, his gun still trained on Judith. “That’s why you’re doing this, because when your daughter is born she’ll be the youngest and the curse will be on her.”

Tears were streaming down the woman’s face now full force. “I watched…I watched while Sara’s life drained away. Her body was still alive, but her eyes were empty. So much misery, so much horror. She just couldn’t take it anymore. I won’t let that happen to my baby. I won’t!”

“Your baby will be safe Judith, I promise you,” Rachel said. “There doesn’t have to be anymore killing.”

Judith couldn’t speak, she was too choked with tears, but she shook her head vehemently. Then there was silence. No one spoke, they just waited. The only sound that could be heard was Judith’s ragged breathing, and the crickets chirping in the distance. Finally she spoke again. “I know the bloodline,” she whispered, almost too low to be heard. “There can be no mistake.” She lifted the blade and placed it against her neck. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Goddess forgive me.”

“No!” Rachel yelled. She was about to lunge for her when she felt Xander’s hand pulling her down by the shoulder.

“Rachel, get down!” he shouted.

Rachel hit the ground and looked up in time to see an electrical discharge arc across the courtyard and strike Judith Raines in the chest. The knife fell from her hand and she hit the ground with a thud. Rachel rushed over to her immediately and put her fingers to her neck. “She’s still alive.”

Riley jumped down out of the tree where he was sitting, pulse rifle in hand. Xander holstered his gun walked over to where Judith lay as Buffy and Giles came out of the shadows. “Riley, what about the baby?” Xander asked.

“I don’t know, I’ve never had to stun a pregnant woman before,” he answered. “But I had it on the lowest setting, there shouldn’t be any permanent damage.”

“Call an ambulance,” Rachel said. “I want to be sure.” Riley nodded and headed into the apartment. Buffy followed.

Tara ran up to where Amy stood and pulled her into a hug. “Oh, thank Goddess you’re okay,” she said. Amy just hugged her girlfriend back.

Xander smiled at the couple, then leaned down to Rachel who was still make sure Judith didn’t have any other injuries. “You did a good job, Rach,” he said reassuringly. He knew Rachel, and he knew that inside she was beating herself up for not being able to get Judith to surrender. But some situations were just like that, and there wasn’t anything that she could have done that she didn’t.

“It could have gone better,” she said, looking up at Xander. “You were the man with the plan. If it hadn’t been for Riley, she’d probably be dead.”

“And if it hadn’t been for Willow, Amy and Tara,” Xander said rising to his feet again and turning to the three witches. “One of us might be. You all did good.”

Willow walked up and wrapped her arms around Xander. Xander hugged her back as she leaned her head against his chest. He could feel her starting to cry a little bit. “It’s okay Willow, it’s over now,” he said.

She looked up into his face. “I know,” she said. “That’s why I’m crying.”

*

The ambulance arrived first, and then the cops, and then the FBI. Until there were so many flashing lights on the street in front of Giles apartment that it looked like a UFO landing site. Buffy, Willow, Amy and Tara sat and watched through the trees as the ambulance pulled away with Judith inside. They all wore a sad expression. Riley walked up from behind and wrapped his arms around Buffy. She leaned into the embrace. “You know what the scariest part is?” Buffy asked no one in particular. “That could have been any of us,” she said. “We’re not so different from her. Who knows what any of us would have done faced with the same situation, to protect a child from that kind of misery. How much pain can one person take before they snap?”

The others nodded in agreement. “I hope she gets the help she needs,” Willow said.

The group remained silent for a while. “And the curse continues,” Amy said. “I don’t know what’s worse, that she almost succeeded, or that she didn’t. That she came so close and the curse wasn’t even lifted. It’s like they died for nothing, which scares me even more to think that because if she had succeeded it would imply that there deaths were justified. Which they weren’t. It’s just so confusing.”

“We really are much better with demons, aren’t we?” Tara asked.

“I don’t know,” Buffy said, turning to the others. “I think we did a pretty good job.” She sighed. “I just wish there was a way we could help now though.”

“Maybe we can figure out a way to break the curse ourselves,” Willow said.

“Don’t bother.” The group turned to see Xander walking up, Rachel close behind him. He had his cell phone in his hand, which he was in the process of folding up and putting back in his pocket. “I just got off with the hospital, I was making sure they had enough security for Judith.” He paused. “They told me…an hour ago Sara Raines went into cardiac arrest.” Xander paused again. “She’s dead.”

“Oh, goddess,” Willow said.

“One descendant from each of the five cursed has died in Sunnydale,” Xander said. “The curse is broken.”

The group remained in stunned silence for a few moments, no one really knowing what to make of it all. Tara broke the silence. “May the Goddess bless you Sara Raines, and may your journey to the next realm be a peaceful one.” Everyone nodded. Somehow it seemed appropriate.

“What’s going to happen to her now?” Buffy asked.

“They’ll keep her in the hospital a while for observation. I should be able to prolong her stay because of her pregnancy. I know a few people in high places who know…the reality of situations like these. She’ll get the help she needs, I’ll make sure of it.”

“It’s still so hard to believe,” Rachel said. “Vampires, witches, curses, it’s all real. I mean, it changes everything. My whole way of looking at things. Can you imagine the advances that could be made in behavioral sciences with this knowledge.”

Xander opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by an annoying voice with an English accent. “Can I go now, mate? I’m bored to tears hanging around here. What did you want me fore anyway?”

Xander smiled. “Rachel, I never formally introduced you to Spike here,” he said. “Rachel, Spike. Spike, Rachel. Spike, I was wondering if you could have a…conversation with Rachel. I think she’d really benefit from your view of things,” Xander said, winking.

“What are you talking about? And what’s wrong with your eye?” Spike asked. Xander rolled his eyes and leaned over to whisper in Spike’s ear. “Oh,” Spike said when Xander was finished. “Why didn’t you just say so?” Spike turned to Rachel. “So, Rachel is it,” he said, throwing an arm over her shoulder and leading her away. “I was wondering if you could help me, I think I have something in my eye. Could you look for me?”

“Uh, okay,” Rachel answered, unsure of what exactly was going on.

“Just, look into my eyes. Look into my…” Spike continued as he led her out of earshot.

Xander smiled. “So that’s what you needed Spike for,” Buffy said.

“She’s not ready to know what we know,” Xander said. “She wouldn’t be able to do her job. It’s better this way.”

“Wish I’d thought of that a long time ago,” Buffy said. “Could have saved me some trouble.”

“Yeah, well…hey!” Xander said, doing an exaggerated double take. Buffy and Willow both laughed. Xander smiled. He looked at Willow, who’s smile was starting to fade. “Ah, can you guys excuse us,” he said.

The others nodded and walked away, leaving just Xander and Willow standing there. Neither one said anything at first, they just kind of looked at each other. Then Xander held his arms out and Willow hugged him. She pressed her face against his chest. “I know it’s different this time, because I know you’re leaving and I know where you’re going and where you’ll be and I could just pick up a phone, but it feels like you’re leaving me all over again and I don’t want to cry, but Goddess, I can’t help it and…”

“Shh, Willow,” Xander soothed. “You’re babbling.” He pulled back a little to look at her. He chuckled a little bit. “We’ve known each other practically our entire lives, but we could never get it right. It seems like one of us was always gone when the other needed them the most. Well, I’m going to make a promise to you Willow. I know I haven’t always kept my promises, but I swear to you on everything I hold sacred that as long as I draw breath I will keep this one.”

“What is it Xander?” Willow asked.

“I’ll love you forever Willow,” he answered. “I promise.” Willow hugged him again as she started to cry. “Willow, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Wills. You don’t have to cry anymore.”

“I can’t help it Xander,” she said, pulling back and wiping her face. “I love you too, more than anything.”

That’s when Xander noticed Rachel walking towards them. She had a confused look on her face. “You know Xander, that blonde-haired friend of yours is a weird guy. What were we talking about again?”

Xander opened his mouth to answer we he noticed a car pulling up. The doors opened and Bailey Malone and John Grant stepped out. “We were just about to go over there and explain to Bailey what the hell happened here.”

Rachel turned and looked where Xander was looking. She could tell by the look on Bailey’s face that he wasn’t very happy. “Ah, crap,” she muttered.

Rachel started walking toward him and Xander turned to Willow. “You come too Wills, you’re going to want to hear this.” Willow followed Xander, though she was confused as to why she would want to hear whatever explanation he gave to his superior.

“All right Harris, what the hell happened here?” Bailey asked as soon as Xander was within earshot.

“We caught the killer, Sir,” Xander answered. “Her name is Judith Raines, and she’s currently at Sunnydale Memorial Hospital being treated for shock.”

“But how did you…”

“It’ll all be in my report, Sir,” Xander interrupted. “Which you will have in your hand first thing tomorrow, as well as my request for a transfer.”

“What!” Bailey, Rachel and Willow all exclaimed simultaneously.

“I’m requesting to be transferred to the LA field office, effective immediately,” Xander answered. He looked over to Willow who looked completely astonished.

“Xander, do you realize that there are agents who wait for years to be assigned to the VCTF,” Bailey said. “And you’re just going to throw all that away? Why?”

“Well, I’ve realized that there are some things more important,” Xander said. “And I’ve realized that it’s time for me to stop running away, and go home. So I’m staying.” He looked down at Willow again. “This is my home, this is where I belong.”

“Well Xander, I’m sorry to see you go. But I guess I can understand,” Bailey said, looking at the way Xander and Willow were looking at each other. “I’ll expect that report tomorrow.” He reached out and shook Xander’s hand. “Good luck son.”

“Thanks Bailey,” Xander said. Bailey turned and went, back into his rental car. Xander turned to Rachel know.

“I wish I could say I’m surprised,” Rachel said. “I kind of thought this would happen.”

“I’m sorry Rachel,” Xander said.

“Don’t be,” she said. She pulled Xander into a hug. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. But I expect you to keep in touch. I want to hear about everything.”

“I promise,” Xander said, hugging her back. “You’re a good friend Rachel Burke. You always have been.”

“And I always will be,” Rachel said as the hug broke. “Take care of yourself, Xander. I’ll see you around.”

“Bye,” Xander said as he watched Rachel walk to her car. He turned back to Willow, who still looked quite shocked.

She snapped out of it thought, and smacked him on the arm. “When did you decide this?” she asked him. “And when were you going to tell me?”

“I decided about five minutes ago, when I was holding you. I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to let you go. Besides, I promised I’d love you forever. And that’s kind of hard to do if we’re on opposite sides of the country.”

“Xander are you sure about this?” she asked.

Xander reached down and cupped her face with his hand. Tilting her head up, he met her lips with his own in a searing kiss. The passion that passed between them was electric. The kiss finally broke, and the two of them looked at each other for a moment. “Positive,” Xander whispered.

Willow yelped with glee and jumped up into Xander arms and wrapped her legs around him. Xander laughed as he held her to him. “Have I told you how glad I am you’re back?” Willow asked with a smile.

Xander smiled too. “You know, there’s an old saying that’s been running through my mind ever since I got here. ‘You can’t go home again.’ Well, I realized that I don’t have to go home again. Because in my heart, I never really left. I love you Willow.”

“And I love you, Xander.”

And so they did, love each other that is. Xander had a promise to keep, and he wasn’t about to disappoint his Willow. Not ever again. And Willow finally realized that maybe it was her turn to be happy. That maybe she’d finally have the chance. And the only question that crossed either of their minds that night as they stood there holding each other in the moonlight, was whether forever would be long enough.

~fin~