HOW COME

'Angel.'

'Hmm?'

'Angel!'

'Yeahhhh?'

'ANGEL!'

'OUCH. And WHAT? I am trying to read here, Spike!'

'Angel, how come the clothes get dusted?'

'Huh?'

'The clothes. How come when you stake a vamp the clothes get dusted, too? I mean, if I get dusted...'

'Let’s just hope that happens tonight some time, eh, ouch, stop hitting me; give my book back; give me back the covers, and what are you going on about?'

'Jees, you anally retentive, nancy boy! The clothes. You know, when we get dusted, our clothes get dusted, too. Why? I mean, if I was wearing my duster, it would just go pouf. Dust. What if I was just holding it cus it was a hot night or something? Would it get dusted then? Or what if I was lyin’ on it cus I was shagging you (in yer dreams), would it go dusty dust then cus I was lying on it? I mean, how come?'

'So, you and I are shagging on the ground; you get staked, and you are fucking worried about your duster? That’s gratitude for you, and give me my book back please. And go to sleep. I never thought I was going to say this in my long life, but you think too much!'



'Angel.'

'Angel.'

'ANGEL!'

'WHAT! I was asleep then Spike, and I was dreaming that you were a fucking duster and that you went pouf in a graveyard one night, and it was strangely reassuring!'

'Angel, will yer just shut up a min, how come...'

'Oh God, Spike, what is going come up in your little existentialist mind now?'

'Wow! Impressive NOT, Angel. I do know what that means!'

'Don’t!'

'Do!'

'What then?'

'What, what?'

'What do you mean what, what?'

'I mean what you mean!'

'Huh?'

'Hah!

Now shut up and listen. Hair. Your hair. It was long wasn’t it when the ball-breaker, ice queen turned you, wasn’t it?'

'Watch it, Spike! That’s my Sire you’re talking about!'

'What, the Sire you staked then set on fire?'

'Oh, yeah.'

'So, was it?'

'Was it what?'

'ANGEL! Was your hair long when you were turned?'

'Yes, you know it was.'

'And we don’t get old, do we, or change? Ever.'

'Nooo, I’m not sure what you’re getting at, Spike.'

'Well, your hair was long, and so was mine, and mine was brown and now they’re both short and mine’s blond.'

'Bleached you mean, you poof! OUCH. Stop hitting me!'

'So?'

'So WHAT?'

'So how come... how come our hair hasn’t grown back every morning or some shit? How come everything else stays the same forever, but our hair is how we like it? How come?'

'I don’t know. What am I, some fucking encyclopedia on vampire lore?'

'Duh! Yeah! You’re my Sire, you’re supposed to know this shit!'

'Well, der...der, Spike! Time to enter the grownup world, your parents don’t know everything, you know. What, stop laughing... Spike, stop it...'

'You, mate... my fucking parent... kinda makes it a bit naughty when I do THIS then, don’t it.'

'Ahhh, Spike, don’t... there’s only two hours of daylight left and I need to sleep... ahh.'

'Give up the sleep then, mate?'

'Oh yeah!'



'Angel.'

'Angel.'

'ANGEL!'

'NO, no, no, no!! Whatever it is, I don’t want to know, in fact, I am still asleep, and I’m not even talking to you. You shagged me into the mattress for over an hour; you sucked me off then fucked me again, and I am shagged out. Leave me alone. I am going back to sleep and I don’t want to hear from you again. Got it?'

'Got it, mate, but how come there’s no pee?'

'What pee! Where? What have you done?'

'NO pee, mate! How come?'

'PEE! What are you bloody talking about?'

'And hey, how come you’re starting to get an English accent... but anyway, how come if we drink lots of blood and lots of beer and the occasional OJ and, oh yeah, your poofy Evian water cus 'I’m so pretty shit’ ouch, that hurt, how come with all that drinking, we don’t pee? Where does it all go?'

'I’ll fucking pee on you in a minute, if you don’t shut up and let me go to sleep!'

'Well! That’s a witty comeback, Angel, real classy and original.'

'Yeah, well, I’m tired.'

'So, how come?'

'I don’t know, Spike, and do you want to know something else? I DON’T CARE!  I’m just glad, OK? One of the advantages of being a vampire, hey? Now go to sleep, and I warn you, if you wake me again before dark, I will give you a whole new hole to try and pee through.'



'Angel.'

'OUCH!'



'Angel.'

'No!'

'Honestly, Angel, this is important.'

'OK, Spike. I’m a reasonable two hundred and fifty year old, so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Here, I’m sitting up; I’ve nicely rearranged the covers. Hit me with your best shot; what’s so important that you won’t FUCKING LET ME GET TO SLEEP?'

'Well, how come there were bones?'

'OK, I’m staying real calm here, I’m trying to think of lotus blossoms.'

'Jees, get a life, mate! But anyway, how come you told me when the Master was dusted by Slutty...'

'Spike...'

'OK, Buffy, dusted by Buffy. How come he left bones? I want bones. How come he had bones?'

'Yes, I am seeing that that is a vital question which needs careful, consideration and a lot of thought. So I’ll just lie down here and I’ll let you know when I have thought about it enough. No interrupting here, Spike... I’m still thinking...'

'Angel.'

'Angel.'

'Hey! Don’t cry, luv. This’ll only take a minute.'

'It’s my torment, isn’t it? This is part of my redemption. You aren’t, Spike, are you? You are some conjuring trick from the Powers sent here to test my soul...'

'Oh, shut up, you stupid git... all I wanted to say was, how come...?'

'Pleaseee no.'

'HOW COME... how come it gets hard?'

'What, Spike? How come what gets hard?... oh that.'

'Yeah, I mean, how come it does this, when I run my hands up and down it? And how come when I swirl my tongue on it, like this... it does it again?'

'Ohhhh!'

'Now come on, Angel, I want to know. You’ve no pulse, have you?'

'No, but just keep doing that, Spike, while we... ahhh, think this through.'

'So, you’ve no pulse, and no heart beat, have you?'

'So, sorry, teeth a bit sharp for you there, mate? So, how come if you have no pulse, your dick sticks up like the fucking statue of liberty when I do this?'

'Spike... how come you don’t just shut up and suck it?'

The End