TITLE: The Dirty Dozen - Buffy Summers
AUTHOR: Nero
EMAIL: nerorain@a...
SUMMARY: Buffy answers Playboys "Dirty Dozen" Questions about her relationship with Xander.
PAIRING: B/X
SPOILER WARNING: None really. Minor events from seasons past.
RATING: R
DISCLAIMER:I don't own any of this stuff, except the situation I've put the characters in, Joss, Mutant Enemy and Fox own Buffy. But hell, if they want to make this an episode, I'll pay the actors salaries. Also, I think Playboy owns "The Dirty Dozen"
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 1st, my fanfic will often deal with strange situations/pairings, so if your easily shocked/offended, don't bother reading any further.

2nd, if anyone wants this fic for their site, Want Take Have. Just let me know if you put it up on a site so I can feed my ego.

3rd, keep any feedback constructive please, and I'd prefer if it was private, not on a message board.

4th, this fic is based on an idea I got while reading Alyson Hannigan's "Dirty Dozen" interview. It's To the best of my knowledge, these are the questions they ask everybody. I've only read the Aly one, so I just used the questions (Edited down a bit) for his story. It's set in the time between season 6 and 7. Tara never died in this AU.




The Dirty Dozen - Buffy Summers
By Nero

Well, today, the Dirty Dozen has a special treat for you all.

A series of interviews, featuring people you probably don't know, but they've saved you life more times than you could ever imagine.

Vampires, demons, bad substitute teachers, the whole nine.

And first up, we have their fearless leader, Buffy Summers.

"Being a slayer is the worst job ever." Buffy says, before adding "Except working at the Doublemeat Palace. So Doublemeat, then slaying. Most thankless jobs around."

But her undying commitment to keeping us safe has saved all our lives time and time again. She's died twice on the job (and had several close calls), and put her friends in the line of fire again and again, sometimes with tragic results.

"We've…lost a few people we couldn't bring back." She says, looking away for a moment to compose herself. "Those are the ones that really hurt. Not just because they're friends, but because…they willingly help me, without thinking about themselves, and I can't keep them safe. That's…that's the worse part…I guess slaying is worse than the Doublemeat. I've yet to let someone die at the Doublemeat." Thinking for a moment, she adds shyly, "At least I don't think I have."

A self distructive fling with a vampire named Spike nearly caused her to make it a hat trick of deaths, the third by her own hand, but her sister's constant support brought her back from the edge.

"Dawn kinda forced me to look at myself in the mirror…after she caught me and Spike fucking in the kitchen." Buffy says. "She told me she knew someone better for me, and begged me to at least give him a try. I resisted at first. Blind dates never work. But she kept at it, and finally threatened to go live with Tara unless I shaped up." She looks at the floor, whispering "I can't loose Dawnie. She's the only family I have left. I don't think I could live without her." Grumbling slightly, she adds "But if I knew she was setting me up with one of my best friends, I'd try."

Leaning back, she smiles slightly. "Xander didn't have a clue he was being set up either. Dawn just opened the door, yelled my date was here and ran for Tara's like her ass was on fire." Giggling slightly, Buffy says "That little fink set us up, knowing how much we needed each other. He had just left his fiance, Anya, at the altar a few weeks earlier, and was in the wrong state of mind. Just like me. He just stared at me from the bottom of the stairs, trying to figure out what was happening."

"We didn't think it would work, but decided to give it a shot anyway." Buffy explains. "Dawn had went to all the scheming and sneaking around to set it up, the least we could do was humor her with a date. We both told each other it was just for Dawn."

Grinning broadly, Buffy bursts into a giggle fit. "Dawn probably regrets setting us up now. She's always complaining "You guys need to be quieter or get thicker walls, cuz I gotta get some sleep. I have school, remember?"."

And so we start our interview, trying to get a little more insight into the love life of the slayer.

"Just don't ask stupid questions, and you'll be fine." Buffy says, making it sound more like a threat than a comment.

1. Where's the wildest place you've ever had sex?
Buffy Summers: Oh god, Dawn's gonna kill me for this. I guess it serves her right, for all the plotting she did, but still, it's just evil. About three weeks ago, on Thanksgiving, I really needed to go to the bathroom. I'd been slaving over the stove all day, and had put it off for as long as I could, and couldn't put it off anymore. So anyway, I'm coming out of the can, and Xander's coming out of our room, trying to find his dress shirt. I guess he saw it in the bathroom, because he came towards me. I thought he was coming onto me, so I just grabbed him and pulled him into the nearest room, which was Dawn's. He tried to tell me, but by that time, I was all ahead go, and he's learned to not stop me when I'm in "that" mood. He knows I'll make it worth his while. I had been working at cooking, and measuring for recipies all day, and needed to take the edge off. It was either Xander or Mr. Pointy, and he was closer and more willing.

So here we are, upstairs, going at it in Dawn's room, and SNAP!, the metal part of the bed rips through the wooden part of the head board. You know what I'm talking about? That part? (Buffy proceeds to use her hands to try to display the part of the bed she means, ignoring my nods.). So anyway we decide, since we already made the huge noise, there was no sense in stopping. Thankfully, no one heard us. Aparently someone dropped a bowl of three bean salad on the floor at the same time, and never figured out there was another noise. So we just kept going, finished, and went down stairs for supper. (She smiles) One minute, Xander was stuffing me, and the next, we were carving the turkey with the rest of the Scooby Gang.

(Blushing slightly, she adds) We had to makeshift fix Dawn's bed and act surprised when it "broke" when Dawn went to bed that night. We felt so guilty we bought her a really expensive one, with the "Individually Packed Coils", or something like that. She seems happy with it, and no ones said anything about it, so I guess we got away with it. Until this comes out, any ways.

1A. Follow up question - Have you ever had sex outdoors?
BS: Better question. "Have I ever had sex indoors?". As you can tell, when the mood hits me, Xander's pretty much better be open to new experences. Our lovemaking tends to be a spur of the moment thing. A lot of it happens when were out slaying together. Thankfully for me and my needs, there's a lot of places to get a quick tide-me-over- till-I-get-Xander-home jump. Xander's not afraid to do what he needs to do to please me.

2. Will you push a guy around in bed?
BS: I try not to. With the super strength and all, it's kinda a turn off for a guy to fly across the room when he's trying to be slow and smooth. Xander's really great with letting me be myself in the bedroom…or the alley…or where ever. If I feel like being in charge, he lets me do my thing. If I want to play the helpless little girl, that's fine by him too.

And besides, I've found the kind of guys that like me using the super strength tend to be the wrong type of guys for me to be with. Namely, vampires and government agents.

3. Does size matter?
BS: Not really, but then again, Xander's pretty big (More giggles). I've never really had a bad experence sexually with big or small, so I don't think it does. It's more the person it's attached to that makes a difference if it's a good or a bad time.

4. Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
BS: Oh god, I'm sorry Xander. Please don't hate me when you read this. He's gonna get teased so much at work.

I prefer getting MUCH more. But only because my honey is SOOOOOO good at it. I've had some lousy lovers in the oral department, so with them, it was more that I'd like giving it to them, if only to keep them from giving it to me. But Xander is the man at it. He rules me with it. All he'd have to do is threaten to take it away and I'd do pretty much whatever he wanted. He got me to dress up like Janet from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" once, just by promising me that he'd give me the "Tongue Twister" anytime I asked for a week. Being my own personal oral sex slave for a whole week. What more could a girl want? You better believe I took advantage of that. (Mumbling under her breath) Rocky Horror Picture Show…

5. Have you ever had a one-night stand?
BS: Yes. Next question.(When we look like were going to ask for details, she gives us "The Look". We relent on the matter)

6. What's your favorite part of your body?
BS: I like my butt. I do a lot of running and kicking, so I keep my butt in pretty good shape, just by default. Xander's a big fan of my breasts, but I don't like them. I just think there small and plain, but he keeps telling me how perfect they are. So I guess, to answer your question, I'd say my butt for me, and my breasts because Xander loves them so much. I really loved my hair, when it was long…(She trails off, again taking on a sad look.)

7. Are you into sex toys or getting adventurous in bed?
BS: Not toys so much, but yea, we do get a little adventurous in the lovemaking department. Breaking my sister's bed comes to mind. Nothing kinky or anything. I went through that phase, and am very glad to leave it behind.

I should probably state at this time, I've had sex outside so much, I don't consider that kinky anymore. Kinky to me is whips and chains and things like that. (She looks down at the floor) I really don't like kinky.

(Perking up slightly) But we do try to spice things up from time to time. I don't like to do it very much, because I'm kind of scared he'll get used to it freaky, and either want it more freaky or he won't want to make soft, slow love as much. And he's wicked good at that, so I don't want it to stop. I guess I should trust him not to change, but I'm still getting used to the whole "trust your lover" thing.

8. Was your first time everything you thought it would be?
BS: No. It was more like a one night stand, but there were things beyond our control. Like the guy loosing his soul and becoming my sworn enemy because I gave him a moment of true happiness. The sex was ok, but the morning after sucked hard. I'd give the sex a B. The morning after was defineatly a F-

9. Are you turned on by talking dirty in bed?
BS: Nothing over the top, but I can be pretty vocal when I get into it. If Xander hits the right spots, Dawn's going to school tired the next day. We had the neighbours call the cops once. That was fun, trying to explain that. "Really officer, I stubbed my toe…for ninety minutes straight. Honestly!". We got off with a warning that time. We always remember to close the windows tight now.

10. What's your view on porn?
BS: I don't like it very much, except for the stuff Xander and I make.(Getting shy, she looks at me.) Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this. That isn't going to go into the article, is it? (When I tell her it is, she hangs her head, shaking it slightly, muttering "Xander's gonna kill me"). I asked Xander to pick a few up one night we were along. I was just curious to see what all the fuss was about. I think I might have been the only twenty year-old to never see one. He got a few, but I couldn't get into it very much.

That's when I said "We could make better porn than that.". Then I got the bright idea that Xander and I should make our own. He wasn't into the idea at first, but a little pouty face and a few well placed "Pweese Xander"'s, and he was more than happy to do anything I asked. I think they turned out pretty good, all things considered. The camera work was a bit below standard, but then again, it wasn't anything to write home about in the movies I saw either.

11. Have you had an embarrassing sexual moment?
BS: Fallout from the one night stand. Next question.

11A. While I'm sure that was embarrassing, I meant during sex, not after it.
BS: Oh, sorry. The most embarrassing thing would have to be…(She thinks for a minute, smiling shyly when she thinks it up) One time Xander and I were out hunting a pack of vamps. We cornered what we thought was all of them, and dusted them, but one of them scraped my arm. Xander, always concerned for my well-being, rushed to my aid, treating the wound. Now, I don't normally like being fussed over, but with him, and how concerned he was for me, this time was different. Just the look in his eyes melted my heart.

One thing led to another, and soon we were buck naked, going at it like bunnies right there in the warehouse.

Like I said, we thought we got all the vamps, but turns out, we misses a few. And they took up watching us. When I was sitting on Xander's…er…stomach, I spotted them hiding behind a stack of crates. We had to jump into action, naked as the day we were born to stake the vamps.(She blushes slightly). Of course, he made sure to keep a stake for me. Always thinking about my needs, my honey bunny.

12. Finally, do you consider yourself good in bed?
BS: No. I think I'm more of a "being there" kind of lover. Xander begs to differ, and is quick to point out the newest scratches on his back or the limp he has. He swears up and down that I'm great in the bedroom, but I don't know. He keeps telling me to believe him, but you know how it is. When someone tells you your good at something, and you don't think you are, nothing can change you mind. But he tries. Oh God, does he try.(She smirks to herself). Now Xander, he's a demon in the sack. I think he's the driving force, so to speak, behind our love life. He's as good as he tells me I am.(She smiles softly) Maybe I should believe him. He hasn't lied to me yet.

We'd like to thank Buffy for her time. Hopefully this life will be a long and happy one for her.

 

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